The dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters, wearing a tux.
Scooter
Rudolf Nureyev, uh, Rudolf Nureyev? Fifteen seconds, Mr. — Nureyev?
The room is empty.
Scooter
(nods) Uh-huh. I knew he was too smart to show up.
Theme[]
Kermit
It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Rudolf Nureyev!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf scat along to the theme.
A green balloon comes out of Gonzo's trumpet, inflating mostly on its own. Gonzo bats it with his nose.
Backstage[]
Kermit, also wearing a tux, explores the heavily decorated backstage area.
Kermit
Boy, Sam really has this place looking good for Rudolf Nureyev.
Scooter
Yeah, well, I don't mind that so much, but me and Robin are mad we have to wear these formal clothes.
Kermit
You and Robin? Where's Robin?
Scooter
Oh, right here.
He briefly lifts up a top hat to reveal Robin.
Robin
It's the only hat I could find.
Sam the Eagle
Atten-hut!
They stand at attention.
Kermit
Beg pardon?
Sam the Eagle
Line up for inspection.
Kermit
Inspection?
Sam the Eagle
Yes. We must look proper for Mr. Nureyev. At last, to have a man of dignity, a man of culture on this weird, sick program. (examines Kermit) Did you wash your flippers?
Kermit
Uh, yes, sir.
Sam the Eagle
Let's have a look.
He lifts Kermit's left foot, and Kermit loses his balance and falls.
Sam the Eagle
Will you please get off the floor? (to Scooter) Will you — will you comb your hair and polish those shoes?
Scooter
(runs off) Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Sam the Eagle
And one more thing — (briefly lifts Robin's hat) your hat's too big.
Kermit
Uh, Sam, can I introduce the show now?
Sam the Eagle
Of course, yes, but just do it with dignity! (shoves him onstage)
Kermit
Uh, yes, yes …
Sam the Eagle
Oh! To have the brilliant, talented Rudolf Nureyev on our show! (to Robin) He's my favorite opera singer. (runs onstage)
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi there and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Sam the Eagle
You call that dignity?
Kermit
Uh, I'm sorry, Sam.
Sam the Eagle
(scoffs)
Kermit
Uh, ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed an honor...
Sam the Eagle
Good.
Kermit
…to welcome you to The Muppet Show. (Sam brushes him) Uh, tonight's guest star is one of the world's great masters of the ballet, Mr. Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the Eagle
W-wait — are you sure it's ballet, not opera?
Kermit
Positive.
Sam the Eagle
Six of one, half dozen the other. Culture is culture. Go ahead.
Kermit
Uh... ahem. Uh, but here to get things started is Dr. Teeth and the Electric...
Sam the Eagle
WHAT — Dr. Teeth?!?
Kermit
Sam, I know I promised you a very cultural show. But don't worry, you see, they're playing a minuet, and they have promised to be very classy.
Sam the Eagle
May I have that in writing?
Kermit
(they scramble offstage) Just get off …
The Mayhem plays "Minuet in G Major".
Dr. Teeth
Hey. Hey, what's this bummer called again?
Floyd
"Minuet in G Major". Huh.
Dr. Teeth
Oh. They ought to send it back to the minors.
Floyd
(laughs) Yeah, if I knew we were gonna do this, I'd have just stayed home and sent in my suit.
Animal
(growls impatiently)
Floyd
Animal's not gonna make it, man.
Dr. Teeth
He's gonna freak.
Animal
(growls impatiently)
Floyd
If he goes, I go with him.
Animal goes wild on the drums.
Dr. Teeth
It's a breakout!
The Mayhem goes wild along with him. Applause.
Statler
You know, the older I get, the more I appreciate good music.
Waldorf
Yeah? What's that got to do with what we just heard?
Statler
Nothing, just thought I'd mention it.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The Mayhem passes by Kermit.
Kermit
Not very cultural, guys. Not very cultural.
Sam the Eagle
That was degrading! That was awful. Mr. Nureyev must be shocked!
Kermit
Well, I doubt it.
Sam the Eagle
Well, of course he is. He is sensitive. He is creative. He is artistic!
Kermit
He is not here.
Sam the Eagle
What?
Kermit
No, no, it's OK. He just phoned in, he's running a little bit late.
Sam the Eagle
Oh! Thank goodness. Now, remember, when Mr. Nureyev arrives, we must be dignified, we must be respectful.
Rudolf, dressed casually, enters. Applause.
Rudolf
Hi, you guys.
Kermit
Ah!
Rudolf
I'm here.
Sam the Eagle
Not for long, you are not. We are waiting for Mr. Nureyev!
Kermit
But Sam …
Sam the Eagle
I'll handle this. (shoves the man out) Get out of here, you freak! You hippie! You weirdo, get out! Move, move! Get a haircut! (scoffs) Who do these punk kids think they are?
Kermit
That — that one thinks he's Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the Eagle
(holds him up) What?
Kermit
In fact, that was Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam the Eagle
(drops him, collapses) What have I done?
Kermit
I think I'll go out and introduce something cultural.
Sam is distressed.
"La Ci Darem La Mano"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Uh, uh, now in keeping with our tone of uh, culture and classicism, and to uh, kill time while we see if we still have a guest star, we proudly present the love duet from the third act of The Barber of Die Fliedremaus. Uh, by Giusseppe Vagner...or Giusseppe Wagner. Um... whatever.
The curtain opens. Dressed in armor, Link and Piggy perform a duet of "La Ci Darem La Mano" from "Don Giovanni". Eventually, Sam uses a giant magnet on a rope to lift them offstage.
Sam the Eagle
(sigh) I hope Mr. Nureyev didn't see that.
He accidentally lets go of the rope. KLANG! The pigs fall down.
Statler
You know, there's nothing like grand opera.
Waldorf
Yep, and that was nothing like it!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Sam the Eagle
(remorseful) Mr. Nureyev, will you ever forgive me?
Kermit
Uh, he forgives you, Sam.
Sam the Eagle
What?
Kermit
I just talked to him. He isn't angry, he's putting on his costume for his big ballet number.
Sam the Eagle
Oh! (hugs him)
Sam the Eagle
Bless you, frog. Oh, thank you for these glad tidings. And what ballet, may I ask, is the incomparable Mr. Nureyev going to perform?
Kermit
Uh, "Swine Lake". (walks onstage)
Sam the Eagle
Culture, yes, culture. Dignity at last. Cul… "Swine Lake"?!
"Swine Lake"[]
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, in the classic ballet "Swine Lake", a beautiful princess has been turned into a pig by the wicked magician, Trichinosis. Ahem. Uh, unfortunately, the handsome prince — there's a handsome prince in this too — the handsome prince hasn't heard about the change. Here, then, the very princely, Mr. Rudolf Nureyev.
Applause. An instrumental of "Swan Lake" is played as Rudolf dances. When the Ballerina Pig shows up, he tosses her aside. The dancing continues, and concludes with one final toss. Applause.
UK spot[]
A Whatnot who is literally missing much from his life sings "Something's Missing." In the end, a female Whatnot joins him, making his life whole.
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
In the operating room, the cast tries to make themselves look as distinguished as possible. A young pig is on the operating table.
Announcer
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital. On this special episode, our quack who has gone to the dogs will pay tribute to William Shakespeare.
Rowlf
Prithee, nurse, who beith our next patient?
Janice
Why, this little piglet, sire.
Rowlf
Not piglet, Hamlet.
They all laugh.
Rowlf
Remember, we're doing Shakespeare here.
Janice
Hmm, sounds more like Bacon.
They all laugh.
Rowlf
Say, this patient needs a transfusion. What's his blood type?
Janice
Well, I think it's 2B, but I'm not sure.
Rowlf
Well, make up your mind! 2B or not 2B?
He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy
Gadzooks, they have no shame.
Rowlf
(pokes around with the stethoscope) Say … I'm listening to this patient's heart. Zounds.
Miss Piggy
Zounds what?
Rowlf
Zounds terrible.
They all laugh.
Rowlf
Hey, the frog wanted Shakespeare, he's getting Shakespeare.
Janice
But you're a doctor first.
Rowlf
Right, doctor first, Richard the Second, Henry the Fourth.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy
Methinks we should take our leave.
Rowlf
Why?
Miss Piggy
Look at the time.
They all look around.
Rowlf
Hey, the timing of the shrew.
Miss Piggy
Are you calling me a shrew?
Rowlf
If the shrew fits...
They all laugh, and look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer
And so we leave Veterinarian's Hospital-on-Avon. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say ...
Rowlf
Alas, poor pork, I knew thee well.
They all laugh.
Statler
Now that really offended me. I'm a student of Shakespeare.
Waldorf
Eh! You were a student WITH Shakespeare.
Backstage[]
Miss Piggy
Ahem. Kermie?
Kermit
Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
May I speak with you about our duet?
Kermit
Uh, what, is something wrong with it?
Miss Piggy
Wrong? Why it's wonderful! (embraces him)
Miss Piggy
Oh, at last, a mature and passionate love duet between me and my Kermie.
Kermit
Ah, well, you're not doing it with me.
Miss Piggy
What?
Kermit
No, you're gonna do it with Rudolf Nureyev.
A beat. She drops him and runs over him.
Miss Piggy
Coming, Rudy!
Kermit gets up, dazed.
"Baby, It's Cold Outside"[]
Main stage. Robin enters to a fanfare.
Robin
My Uncle Kermit can't make the next introduction. He's trying to get the spiked heel marks off his throat. So I guess I'll fill in. Here, once again, the multi-talented Rudolf Nureyev.
Sam removes Robin's hat.
Robin
Uh, yeah, I know. The hat's still too big.
They both walk away. The curtain opens on a sauna, where Piggy sits by herself. Rudolf enters and disrobes except for his towel.
(laughs) Oh, what a wonderful sense of humor you have! And you have a marvelous mind. And the other parts ain't bad, either.
Rudolf
(aside) Just think of it. Last week I've been dancing with Natalia Makarova. And today, I'm in a steam room with a lady pig.
Miss Piggy
Oh, yes. And isn't it heaven?
Rudolf
I don't think heaven is this warm. It's more like the other place.
Miss Piggy
Uh, well, uh, ahem, if you're warm, maybe you're overdressed?
Rudolf
No, I'm fine.
Miss Piggy
Maybe I'm overdressed.
Rudolf
That's it, I'm leaving.
Miss Piggy
Oh, no, sweetie, you just got here. Pleeeeease?
Music swells up.
Rudolf
You don't understand —
They begin a duet of "Baby, it's Cold Outside". In the end, Piggy is left only with his towel and a Rudolf Nureyev-shaped hole in the wall.
Statler
(laughs) Boy, he's really good, that Rudolf Nurey... uh, Nureyey... you know, I should really learn to pronounce his name.
Waldorf
Oh, don't bother now. After this show, he'll probably change it.
They chuckle.
"Clair de Lune"[]
Rowlf plays "Clair de Lune" on the piano. Fozzie approaches.
Fozzie
(whispers) You forgot your candelabra. I'll go get it. Keep playing. Sounds terrific.
Fozzie fetches the candelabra and puts it on the piano.
Fozzie
(whispers) Got a match? A match. A match for the candle... — (Rowlf plays louder to shut him up) OK.
Fozzie fetches a matchbox and tries to strike one.
Fozzie
(calls) Lighter, lighter! Gonzo...
Fozzie fetches a lighter and tries to light it.
Fozzie
(to Rowlf) It doesn't work — (calls) It doesn't...
He briefly leaves, then comes back.
Fozzie
Uh, Rowlf, I think it's all taken care of. You're gonna have a beautiful candle to play with.
He attempts to light it with a blowtorch.
Fozzie
Fabulous. … Give it time.
He melts the candelabra instead. Rowlf facepalms.
Fozzie
Uh, sorry about that. Gonzo! (runs off)
Dressing room / "Top Hat, White Tie and Tails"[]
Rudolf stands behind the changing board.
Kermit
Rudolf, I want to tell you how delighted we are to have you on our show tonight.
Rudolf
I'm having a great time.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Rudolf
I'm afraid your friend, the eagle, isn't too pleased.
Kermit
Oh, that's just Sam. Don't worry about him.
Sam the Eagle
(knocks and enters) Mr. Nureyev, may I have your attention?
Rudolf
Yes. Well... maybe I'm not too sure.
Sam the Eagle
I just want to apologize for thedisgusting things the frog has forced you to do on this show.
Kermit
Uh, the frog did not force him. (exits)
Sam the Eagle
Humph.
Rudolf
The frog didn't force me.
Sam the Eagle
What?
Rudolf
No. I wanted to do them. And it was fun.
Sam the Eagle
I can't believe that I'm speaking to the real Rudolf Nureyev.
Rudolf
Does that mean you're going to throw me out again?
Sam the Eagle
No, no, no — of course not. No.
Rudolf
Good. There's one more number I'd like to do.
Sam the Eagle
A-ha! I should have known. The first two for the low-brow element, but for your finale, a brilliant interpretation of classic ballet.
Rudolf
Exactly.
He emerges in a black tux.
Sam the Eagle
Is that a ballet costume?
Rudolf
Trust me, Sam. You see...
He launches into a rendition of "Top Hat, White Tie and Tails". The other Muppets join him as he taps out of the room and onto the stage.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay, so once again we come now to the end of another show. So let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the incomparable Rudolf Nureyev! Yaaaayy!
Applause.
Rudolf
This has been a very different experience for me.
Sam the Eagle
Mr. Nureyev, I just want you to know that I am sorry.
Rudolf
You are sorry you threw me out?
Sam the Eagle
No, I'm sorry I ever let you back in. (sigh) This has been shocking.
Rudolf
Aw, cool it, baldy. (puts a top hat on Sam's head)
Kermit
Okay, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!