Episode 215: Lou Rawls/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 215: Lou Rawls.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Lou Rawls. Oh, Lou Rawls? Twenty-four seconds to curtain, Mr. Rawls.
Lou Rawls	Thank you, Scooter.
Sam the Eagle	Mr. Rawls. I — I wanted to tell you that I greatly respect your talent, and I've followed your career from its very beginning.
Lou Rawls	Thank you, Sam.
	A beat.
Sam the Eagle	It's just too bad it has to end here.
	Lou looks confused.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Lou Rawls!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	We're old men!
Waldorf	Give us a break!
	Green smoke comes out of Gonzo's horn.
Gonzo	Green smoke.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight's show is going to be a very special one, because our guest star is the great Mr. Lou Rawls! (applause) But first — but first, to get things started, here's our own Fozzie Bear, who will perform for you tonight on roller skates!
Fozzie	Kermit! I think the act needs just a bit more... (rolls by) .. rehearsaaaaal!
	CRASH!
Kermit	Well, uh, so much for the opening number. Uh, now we suddenly arrive at guest star time...
	Fozzie returns, trying to keep his balance.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!
	Lou Rawls sings "Groovy People" with the Sleeze Brothers.
Statler	That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer.
Waldorf	Yeah, so am I. You wanna hear me sing?
Statler	Only if you sing solo.
Waldorf	Solo?
Statler	So low I can't hear. (laughs)

Backstage

	The Sleeze Brothers pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, nice and groovy, guys. Very groovy.
Scooter	Hey, chief?
Kermit	Hmm?
Scooter	I thought Fozzie was going to do the opening spot on the show.
Kermit	Well, that was the plan, but he wasn't quite ready, so we switched numbers.
Scooter	Oh. So what happens now, a news flash or Fozzie's roller skating act?
Fozzie	(rolls by) WAAAH-ho-ho-hooo… (CRASH!)
Scooter	I'll tell the newsman he's on. (they both exit)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, New York. Medical science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease Mallarditis. The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck. — Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever...
	POP! His head turns into a duck's head. He walks off, quacking.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
Rowlf	On to the next patient.
Rowlf	What's this? He was here a minute ago.
Janice	Oh, wow. This is happening a lot lately.
Miss Piggy	What is?
Janice	Dr. Bob is losing his patients. (laughs with Piggy)
Rowlf	That's untrue. I never lose my patience!
Miss Piggy	What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?
	They all laugh.
Rowlf	Him, I lost. (they laugh) But I found him again.
Janice	Where?
Rowlf	In Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota.
	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	That was him all over.
	They all laugh and look up as they hear the announcer.
Announcer	So, once again Dr. Bob has come to nothing. Tune in next time when you will hear him say...
Rowlf	Hey! Who are you?
Announcer	Who?
Janice	You!
Miss Piggy	You know, the voice we keep hearing in here.
Announcer	I'm the announcer. I'm the guy who says, (the theme music begins) "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs."
	They rush through the sketch once more.
Rowlf	Well, on to the next patient. -- What's this? He was here a minute ago.
Janice	Oh, wow. This is happening a lot lately.
Miss Piggy	What is?
Janice	Dr. Bob is losing his patients. (laughs with Piggy)
Rowlf	Untrue! I never lose my patience!
Miss Piggy	What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?
	They all laugh.
Rowlf	Him, I lost. (they laugh) But I found him again.
Janice	Where?
Rowlf	In Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina.
	They all laugh.
All	That's him all over! (laughing)
	They all laugh and look up as they hear the announcer.
Announcer	And so, Dr. Bob has done all the same jokes twice. Tune in next time when you will hear Nurse Janice say...
Janice	Shall we go for thirds?
	They all laugh.
Rowlf	No, that would try my patience.
Miss Piggy	You don't have any patients.
Janice	Ohh!—
Rowlf	I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerin.
	They all laugh.

Outside

	Lou encounters Floyd and Animal outside.
Lou Rawls	Hey Floyd, Animal. What's happening?
Floyd	Hey, Lou Rawls. Whoa, Animal!
Animal	(growls)
Floyd	Hey, good to see you. No haps — you know, I'm just out walking the drummer. (laughs)
Animal	(growls)
Lou Rawls	Walking the drummer? What — is he friend or foe, man?
Floyd	Uh, yeah, well —
Animal	(yells) Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls!
Floyd	Heel, Animal! Heel!
Animal	Heel, heel, heel.
Floyd	Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou.
Lou Rawls	Oh, yeah?
Floyd	Yeah. He bought all your albums.
Lou Rawls	Oh, you like 'em, Animal?
Animal	Uh-huh. Delicious!
Lou Rawls	(laughs) Yeah, well, let me tell you something, Animal. You know — you — you know, you play the drums so good, man. You take the sticks and you really lay down some great percussion. You know what I'm talking about?
Animal	Percussion whaaa? Hahaha.
Floyd	Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man. You have to know how to talk to him.
Lou Rawls	Oh, yeah? Well, how do you tell a man that his work with the sticks really is down? I mean, he can put some soul in the bowl. You know what I mean?
Floyd	(laughs) Yeah, okay. That's easy.
Lou Rawls	Yeah?
Floyd	Animal...
Animal	Wha?
Floyd	Good drummer! Good drummer!
Animal	Good drummer, good drummer... (nuzzles up to Floyd)
Floyd	Yeah, that's a good drummer.
Lou Rawls	Yeah. Well, listen, let me tell you this. Look, I've got this long road gig coming up, and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?
Floyd	Oh, no. You couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
Lou Rawls	Why not, man? The cat's good. Hey.
Floyd	Oh, you couldn't get a long enough chain.
Animal	Chain! Chain! Chain! (gnaws on his chain)
Lou Rawls	(laughs) Hey. Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss it with him man to man, you know?
Floyd	(to viewer) Man to man? This dude don't know Animal. (laughs) Okay, Lou. There's his chain, but —
Lou Rawls	All right.
Floyd	… uh, could I just ask one favor?
Lou Rawls	Yeah, baby.
Floyd	Don't let him chase any cars, okay?
	A car drives by.
Lou Rawls	"Don't let him chase any cars"?
Animal	CARS!!!!
	He runs after it, dragging Lou.
Floyd	Uh-oh. I think I blew that gig.
Animal	CARS!!!! (runs in the other direction)

Backstage

	The Swedish Chef talks to Scooter.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Scooter	I see. I'll tell him. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit	Hmm?
Scooter	The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on. You said he'd be on the second half of the show.
Fozzie	(rolls by) Haaaa-wha-ha-haaaaa…
Kermit	Hey, well, listen, Chef, we've had to move things around a little.
Fozzie	(rolls by in circles) Kermiiiiiit!
Kermit	Uh, in fact, some things are moving around quite a lot.
Fozzie	Aaahhh-I think I've almost got it licked, Kermiiiiiiiit!
	He rolls out the exit door.
Kermit	Emphasis on the "almost". Okay, let's go, Chef.
Scooter	Come on, okay, okay.
	They push him onstage.

The Swedish Chef

	The Chef is pushed onstage into his kitchen set. He catches up with his theme music by dancing with a ladle and a whisk.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
	He tosses them.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... de slëecÿ-slïcëÿ nëecÿ nïcëÿ … (mock Swedish) … de frøøg's lëgs.
Robin	Uncle Kermit, somebody, anybody... HEEEEELP!
	Kermit and Scooter stop the Chef.
Kermit	Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut!
Robin	Don't say "cut", say "stop"!
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) Hëy, de frøøg's de lëggy-bøø …

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Pig (RH)	So you say your uh, boyfriend's name is "Cy"? Cy who?
Whatnot (RH)	(reveals her one eye) Clops!
	Switch to two Whatnots.
Whatnot (FO)	So uh, what did you think of the movie Jaws?
	His partner reveals her shark teeth. Switch to a Frackle and a purple monster.
Gonzo	Uh, excuse me. Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica?
	The purple monster opens its mouth and a harmonica sound comes out. Switch to a rooster and a chicken.
Rooster (JN)	So, how are the kids, Flo?
Chicken (JN)	Oh, not too good. One of the chicks just came down with the people pox.
Rooster (JN)	Aww.
	Switch to a pig and another Whatnot.
Pig (LG)	My horoscope said I should be careful today or some great physical harm could befall me.
Whatnot (JH)	Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition.
	The chandelier falls on her head. The others inspect.

"Ukulele Lady"

	Kermit sings "Ukulele Lady" to Miss Piggy, who sits on a crescent moon in a grass skirt. He is joined by Scooter and a Whatnot on backup.

UK spot

	Link Hogthrob sings to a live piglet.
Link Hogthrob	Climb upon my knee, Sonny Boy. Though you're only three, Sonny Boy. You've no way of knowing, There's no way of showing, What you mean to me, Sonny Boy. When there are grey skies, I don't mind the grey skies. You make them blue, Sonny Boy. Friends may forsake me. Let them all forsake me. I still have you, Sonny Boy.
Link Hogthrob	(midway) Oh, my son. When you grow up, you know, you might be a halfback. Or you might even be a fullback. Or, if you really persevere, you might grow up and be a football.
Link Hogthrob	When there are grey skies, I don't mind the grey skies. You'll pull me through, Sonny Boy. When I'm old and grey, son, Promise you won't stray, son, For I love you so, Sonny Boy.
	He kisses the piglet. Applause.

Talk spot

Kermit	Well, you know, Lou, it's great having you on the show.
Lou Rawls	Hey, thank you, Kermit. It's really a gas to be here, you know.
Kermit	Uh, well, you know, I got all of your records back at my pad.
Lou Rawls	Oh.
Kermit	Uh, pad, uh, frog, uh … lily pad. That's a uh … that's a little joke there.
Lou Rawls	Only possibly, Kermit. Only possibly.
Kermit	(nods) Hey — hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us, what is the secret of singing jazz like you do?
Lou Rawls	(deep voice) Well, Kermit, all you have to do really is just kinda lay back, you know, and lay down some golden tones, with soul and style.
Kermit	(leans back) Sure, you just gotta lay back and lay down some golden tones with soul and style. … Ahem… No, it doesn't even sound the same when I say it. Hey, but listen, uh, would you do a little bit of that for us right now?
Lou Rawls	No. No, I won't.
Kermit	No?
Lou Rawls	No. You see, Kermit, you really can't sing jazz without soft light, you know, a little atmosphere. And you gotta have a band.
Kermit	Oh, well listen, you got it.
	The Electric Mayhem appears behind them, playing uptempo.
Lou Rawls	Hey, Kermit. This is an inspiration and an open invitation, you know, for some soulful syncopation, you dig?
Kermit	Hey - does that mean something good?
Lou Rawls	Yes. It means, "let's sing".
Kermit	Wonderful, I'll be over here. (exits)
Floyd	Pack up all my care and woe, Here I go, singin' low. Bye, bye …
Lou Rawls	Hold it, Floyd, be cool now, wait a minute... Somewhere somebody's waitin' for me, Sugar is sweet, so is she, Goodbye, bye, you jive turkey you!
Janice	Oh, rully.
Lou Rawls	Nobody near can love or understand me, And all the hard luck stories they all each and everybody hand me, Make my bed, light the light Heh, but I might not get home tonight. Chicken? Hmm. Turkey? Owl, parakeet, parrot pheasant partridge, mynah bird, kiwi bird, hummingbird, jay bird, red bird, bluebird — Big Bird! (scats)
	The others join him in scatting, including Zoot's sax. Applause.
Statler	I just love scat.
Waldorf	(leans over) What?
Statler	(out loud) Scat! Scat!
Waldorf	(looks around) What, is there a pussycat in here?

Backstage

	The Mayhem ankles by.
Kermit	Okay, great number. I loved it, I loved it. Let's see, uh — oh, now where's Fozzie? If he's gonna do that roller skating act, it'll have to be soon.
Fozzie	(keeping his balance) Waaaah — hahahaha-haha!
Kermit	Ah, very good, Fozzie. You ready to go on?
Fozzie	I'm ready, Kermit. I— I'm just sorry I took so long. But I want you to know, it's tough. Roller skating is very, very difficult.
	The Swedish Chef enters, skating flawlessly.
Fozzie	Easy for you to say! (slips and falls) Whoa, whoa!

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, our latest development is the nuclear-powered shaver. (displays it) The honor of shaving for the very first time with the nuclear-powered shaver goes to my faithful lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.
	Beaker enters, shakily.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	It's all right, come on. There you go. Now, in order to protect Beaker's fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout …
Beaker	(gasps, holds his hair)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	… he will wear this protective helmet, which is... (grunts) … made of solid lead. Bend over, Beaker, here. Come on. Hurry up, bend over. (places the heavy helmet on Beaker's head) There. All right. Up you go, Beaker. Now Beaker is ready for the demonstration.
	The helmet is so heavy that Beaker's head sinks into his body.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Notice how effective the lead helmet is! Now Beaker doesn't need a shave. (snickers)

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit	Uh, as you may have noticed, Fozzie has taken up roller skating. So here he is with funny jokes and figure eights, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie	Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hahaha. How about that? Haven't told one joke and I'm rolling already! Aaah. (slips) Whoa, whoa! … Not bad on a ten-cent pair of skates, huh? Speaking of cheapskates... ahaha. "Nice blend, Fozzie." "Thank you, Fozzie!" Hahaha. Hey, hey, hey... the next joke I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna do it while, while skating a figure eight. Here it goes...
	Organ music plays as he rolls haphazardly.
Fozzie	Speaking of cheapskates, I know a guy so cheap, when he goes fishing, he puts a picture of a worm on his hook and he catches a picture of a fish. Wuh — hahaha.
Waldorf	Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material.
Statler	Yeah, a moving target is harder to hit!
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. Uh — I'm gonna tell this next joke while skating — skating backwards, a-and with my foot in the air, wiggling my ears.
Fozzie	Here it goes... y'hah! Hoh! Aah! Okay — a guy walks in to a diner. There's a horse behind the counter. The guy just looks at the horse. The horse says, "What's the matter, surprised to see me here?" And the guy says, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?" AAAHH!
	He bumps into Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler	(laughs) He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
Waldorf	Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.
	They chuckle. Fozzie gets himself up.
Fozzie	"Did the cow sell the place?" Ahaha.

"You're the One"

Kermit	And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, this time backed by the big band of Dr. Teeth, here he is, Mr. Lou Rawls!
	Lou, backed by the Electric Mayhem, sings "You're the One" to Miss Piggy, making this the second song of the evening to be dedicated to her.
Miss Piggy	I hear ya, Lou! … Tell me, tell me.
Lou Rawls	You are the one, Miss Piggy … You are the one. Oh, my little sweet porkchop, my little hammock, You're the one!
	Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay, well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go...
Fozzie	(rolls by) I'm going now...
Kermit	Uh, as I was saying, before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!
Lou Rawls	(rolls by) Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit	Wait a minute...
Fozzie	(rolls by) Let's not stop!
Lou Rawls	(rolls by) Now that we've got things going.
	The other Muppets roll around the stage.
Kermit	Well, (stammers) we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
	The credits roll as well.
Statler	I loved tonight's show!
Waldorf	Really?
Statler	Of course not. Just wanted to see if I could say it.
	They chuckle.