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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 215: Lou Rawls.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Lou Rawls. Oh, Lou Rawls? Twenty-four seconds to curtain, Mr. Rawls.
Lou Rawls Thank you, Scooter.
Sam the Eagle Mr. Rawls. I — I wanted to tell you that I greatly respect your talent, and I've followed your career from its very beginning.
Lou Rawls Thank you, Sam.
A beat.
215 cold open.jpg
Sam the Eagle It's just too bad it has to end here.
Lou looks confused.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Lou Rawls!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler We're old men!
Waldorf Give us a break!
Green smoke comes out of Gonzo's horn.
Gonzo Green smoke.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight's show is going to be a very special one, because our guest star is the great Mr. Lou Rawls! (applause) But first — but first, to get things started, here's our own Fozzie Bear, who will perform for you tonight on roller skates!
Fozzie Kermit! I think the act needs just a bit more... (rolls by) .. rehearsaaaaal!
Kermit Well, uh, so much for the opening number. Uh, now we suddenly arrive at guest star time...
Fozzie returns, trying to keep his balance.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!
Groovy People.JPG
Lou Rawls sings "Groovy People" with the Sleeze Brothers.
Statler That Lou Rawls is one fantastic singer.
Waldorf Yeah, so am I. You wanna hear me sing?
Statler Only if you sing solo.
Waldorf Solo?
Statler So low I can't hear. (laughs)


The Sleeze Brothers pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, nice and groovy, guys. Very groovy.
Scooter Hey, chief?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter I thought Fozzie was going to do the opening spot on the show.
Kermit Well, that was the plan, but he wasn't quite ready, so we switched numbers.
Scooter Oh. So what happens now, a news flash or Fozzie's roller skating act?
215 out of control.jpg
Fozzie (rolls by) WAAAH-ho-ho-hooo… (CRASH!)
Scooter I'll tell the newsman he's on. (they both exit)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, New York. Medical science has been baffled by a sudden epidemic of the rare disease Mallarditis. The illness strikes very quickly and causes its victim to turn into a duck. — Mallarditis? That's the silliest thing I ever...
215 news flash duck.jpg
POP! His head turns into a duck's head. He walks off, quacking.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
Rowlf On to the next patient.
Rowlf What's this? He was here a minute ago.
Janice Oh, wow. This is happening a lot lately.
Miss Piggy What is?
Janice Dr. Bob is losing his patients. (laughs with Piggy)
Rowlf That's untrue. I never lose my patience!
Miss Piggy What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?
They all laugh.
Rowlf Him, I lost. (they laugh) But I found him again.
Janice Where?
Rowlf In Iowa, Minnesota, North and South Dakota.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy That was him all over.
They all laugh and look up as they hear the announcer.
215 vets hospital.jpg
Announcer So, once again Dr. Bob has come to nothing. Tune in next time when you will hear him say...
Rowlf Hey! Who are you?
Announcer Who?
Janice You!
Miss Piggy You know, the voice we keep hearing in here.
Announcer I'm the announcer. I'm the guy who says, (the theme music begins) "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs."
They rush through the sketch once more.
Rowlf Well, on to the next patient. -- What's this? He was here a minute ago.
Janice Oh, wow. This is happening a lot lately.
Miss Piggy What is?
Janice Dr. Bob is losing his patients. (laughs with Piggy)
Rowlf Untrue! I never lose my patience!
Miss Piggy What about the patient you accidentally fed nitroglycerin to?
They all laugh.
Rowlf Him, I lost. (they laugh) But I found him again.
Janice Where?
Rowlf In Maryland, Virginia, North and South Carolina.
They all laugh.
All That's him all over! (laughing)
They all laugh and look up as they hear the announcer.
Announcer And so, Dr. Bob has done all the same jokes twice. Tune in next time when you will hear Nurse Janice say...
Janice Shall we go for thirds?
They all laugh.
Rowlf No, that would try my patience.
Miss Piggy You don't have any patients.
Janice Ohh!—
Rowlf I would if it weren't for that dumb nitroglycerin.
They all laugh.


Lou encounters Floyd and Animal outside.
Lou Rawls Hey Floyd, Animal. What's happening?
Floyd Hey, Lou Rawls. Whoa, Animal!
Animal (growls)
Floyd Hey, good to see you. No haps — you know, I'm just out walking the drummer. (laughs)
Animal (growls)
Lou Rawls Walking the drummer? What — is he friend or foe, man?
Floyd Uh, yeah, well —
Animal (yells) Lou Rawls, Lou Rawls!
Floyd Heel, Animal! Heel!
Animal Heel, heel, heel.
Floyd Yeah, well, he's a big fan, Lou.
Lou Rawls Oh, yeah?
Floyd Yeah. He bought all your albums.
Lou Rawls Oh, you like 'em, Animal?
Animal Uh-huh. Delicious!
Lou Rawls (laughs) Yeah, well, let me tell you something, Animal. You know — you — you know, you play the drums so good, man. You take the sticks and you really lay down some great percussion. You know what I'm talking about?
Animal Percussion whaaa? Hahaha.
Floyd Lou, you sort of have to consider Animal as your basic primitive man. You have to know how to talk to him.
Lou Rawls Oh, yeah? Well, how do you tell a man that his work with the sticks really is down? I mean, he can put some soul in the bowl. You know what I mean?
Floyd (laughs) Yeah, okay. That's easy.
Lou Rawls Yeah?
Floyd Animal...
Animal Wha?
Floyd Good drummer! Good drummer!
Animal Good drummer, good drummer... (nuzzles up to Floyd)
Floyd Yeah, that's a good drummer.
Lou Rawls Yeah. Well, listen, let me tell you this. Look, I've got this long road gig coming up, and I'm short a drummer. You think he'd be interested?
Floyd Oh, no. You couldn't take Animal on any long road trips, Lou.
Lou Rawls Why not, man? The cat's good. Hey.
Floyd Oh, you couldn't get a long enough chain.
Animal Chain! Chain! Chain! (gnaws on his chain)
Lou Rawls (laughs) Hey. Come on, Floyd, just let me discuss it with him man to man, you know?
Floyd (to viewer) Man to man? This dude don't know Animal. (laughs) Okay, Lou. There's his chain, but —
Lou Rawls All right.
Floyd … uh, could I just ask one favor?
Lou Rawls Yeah, baby.
Floyd Don't let him chase any cars, okay?
A car drives by.
Lou Rawls "Don't let him chase any cars"?
Animal CARS!!!!
He runs after it, dragging Lou.
Floyd Uh-oh. I think I blew that gig.
Animal CARS!!!! (runs in the other direction)


The Swedish Chef talks to Scooter.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Scooter I see. I'll tell him. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter The Swedish Chef says he's not ready to go on. You said he'd be on the second half of the show.
Fozzie (rolls by) Haaaa-wha-ha-haaaaa…
215 chef scooter kermit horror.jpg
Kermit Hey, well, listen, Chef, we've had to move things around a little.
Fozzie (rolls by in circles) Kermiiiiiit!
Kermit Uh, in fact, some things are moving around quite a lot.
Fozzie Aaahhh-I think I've almost got it licked, Kermiiiiiiiit!
He rolls out the exit door.
Kermit Emphasis on the "almost". Okay, let's go, Chef.
Scooter Come on, okay, okay.
They push him onstage.

The Swedish Chef

The Chef is pushed onstage into his kitchen set. He catches up with his theme music by dancing with a ladle and a whisk.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... de slëecÿ-slïcëÿ nëecÿ nïcëÿ … (mock Swedish) … de frøøg's lëgs.
215 frogs legs.jpg
Robin Uncle Kermit, somebody, anybody... HEEEEELP!
Kermit and Scooter stop the Chef.
Kermit Hold it! Stop! Cut, cut, cut!
Robin Don't say "cut", say "stop"!
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Hëy, de frøøg's de lëggy-bøø …

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Pig (RH) So you say your uh, boyfriend's name is "Cy"? Cy who?
Whatnot (RH) (reveals her one eye) Clops!
Switch to two Whatnots.
Whatnot (FO) So uh, what did you think of the movie Jaws?
His partner reveals her shark teeth. Switch to a Frackle and a purple monster.
Gonzo Uh, excuse me. Are you the monster who swallowed my harmonica?
215 at the dance.jpg
The purple monster opens its mouth and a harmonica sound comes out. Switch to a rooster and a chicken.
Rooster (JN) So, how are the kids, Flo?
Chicken (JN) Oh, not too good. One of the chicks just came down with the people pox.
Rooster (JN) Aww.
Switch to a pig and another Whatnot.
Pig (LG) My horoscope said I should be careful today or some great physical harm could befall me.
Whatnot (JH) Oh, that's a lot of silly superstition.
The chandelier falls on her head. The others inspect.

"Ukulele Lady"

215 ukulele lady.jpg
Kermit sings "Ukulele Lady" to Miss Piggy, who sits on a crescent moon in a grass skirt. He is joined by Scooter and a Whatnot on backup.

UK spot

Sonny Boy.JPG
Link Hogthrob sings to a live piglet.
Link Hogthrob

Climb upon my knee, Sonny Boy.
Though you're only three, Sonny Boy.
You've no way of knowing,
There's no way of showing,
What you mean to me, Sonny Boy.
When there are grey skies,
I don't mind the grey skies.
You make them blue, Sonny Boy.
Friends may forsake me.
Let them all forsake me.
I still have you, Sonny Boy.

Link Hogthrob (midway) Oh, my son. When you grow up, you know, you might be a halfback. Or you might even be a fullback. Or, if you really persevere, you might grow up and be a football.
Link Hogthrob

When there are grey skies,
I don't mind the grey skies.
You'll pull me through, Sonny Boy.
When I'm old and grey, son,
Promise you won't stray, son,
For I love you so, Sonny Boy.

He kisses the piglet. Applause.

Talk spot

Kermit Well, you know, Lou, it's great having you on the show.
Lou Rawls Hey, thank you, Kermit. It's really a gas to be here, you know.
Kermit Uh, well, you know, I got all of your records back at my pad.
Lou Rawls Oh.
Kermit Uh, pad, uh, frog, uh … lily pad. That's a uh … that's a little joke there.
Lou Rawls Only possibly, Kermit. Only possibly.
Kermit (nods) Hey — hey, listen, Lou, could you tell us, what is the secret of singing jazz like you do?
Lou Rawls (deep voice) Well, Kermit, all you have to do really is just kinda lay back, you know, and lay down some golden tones, with soul and style.
Kermit (leans back) Sure, you just gotta lay back and lay down some golden tones with soul and style. … Ahem… No, it doesn't even sound the same when I say it. Hey, but listen, uh, would you do a little bit of that for us right now?
Lou Rawls No. No, I won't.
Kermit No?
Lou Rawls No. You see, Kermit, you really can't sing jazz without soft light, you know, a little atmosphere. And you gotta have a band.
Kermit Oh, well listen, you got it.
The Electric Mayhem appears behind them, playing uptempo.
Lou Rawls Hey, Kermit. This is an inspiration and an open invitation, you know, for some soulful syncopation, you dig?
Kermit Hey - does that mean something good?
Lou Rawls Yes. It means, "let's sing".
Kermit Wonderful, I'll be over here. (exits)

Pack up all my care and woe,
Here I go, singin' low.
Bye, bye …

Lou Rawls Hold it, Floyd, be cool now, wait a minute...

Somewhere somebody's waitin' for me,
Sugar is sweet, so is she,
Goodbye, bye, you jive turkey you!

Janice Oh, rully.
Bye bye blackbird.JPG
Lou Rawls

Nobody near can love or understand me,
And all the hard luck stories they all each and everybody hand me,
Make my bed, light the light
Heh, but I might not get home tonight.
Chicken? Hmm. Turkey?
Owl, parakeet, parrot pheasant partridge,
mynah bird, kiwi bird, hummingbird, jay bird,
red bird, bluebird — Big Bird!

The others join him in scatting, including Zoot's sax. Applause.
Statler I just love scat.
Waldorf (leans over) What?
Statler (out loud) Scat! Scat!
Waldorf (looks around) What, is there a pussycat in here?


The Mayhem ankles by.
Kermit Okay, great number. I loved it, I loved it. Let's see, uh — oh, now where's Fozzie? If he's gonna do that roller skating act, it'll have to be soon.
215 fozzie succeeds.jpg
Fozzie (keeping his balance) Waaaah — hahahaha-haha!
Kermit Ah, very good, Fozzie. You ready to go on?
Fozzie I'm ready, Kermit. I— I'm just sorry I took so long. But I want you to know, it's tough. Roller skating is very, very difficult.
215 chef skates.jpg
The Swedish Chef enters, skating flawlessly.
Fozzie Easy for you to say! (slips and falls) Whoa, whoa!

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, our latest development is the nuclear-powered shaver. (displays it) The honor of shaving for the very first time with the nuclear-powered shaver goes to my faithful lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.
Beaker enters, shakily.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew It's all right, come on. There you go. Now, in order to protect Beaker's fluffy orange hair from nuclear fallout …
Beaker (gasps, holds his hair)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew … he will wear this protective helmet, which is... (grunts) … made of solid lead. Bend over, Beaker, here. Come on. Hurry up, bend over. (places the heavy helmet on Beaker's head) There. All right. Up you go, Beaker. Now Beaker is ready for the demonstration.
215 lead helmet.jpg
The helmet is so heavy that Beaker's head sinks into his body.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Notice how effective the lead helmet is! Now Beaker doesn't need a shave. (snickers)

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit Uh, as you may have noticed, Fozzie has taken up roller skating. So here he is with funny jokes and figure eights, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hahaha. How about that? Haven't told one joke and I'm rolling already! Aaah. (slips) Whoa, whoa! … Not bad on a ten-cent pair of skates, huh? Speaking of cheapskates... ahaha. "Nice blend, Fozzie." "Thank you, Fozzie!" Hahaha. Hey, hey, hey... the next joke I'm gonna tell, I'm gonna do it while, while skating a figure eight. Here it goes...
Organ music plays as he rolls haphazardly.
Fozzie Speaking of cheapskates, I know a guy so cheap, when he goes fishing, he puts a picture of a worm on his hook and he catches a picture of a fish. Wuh — hahaha.
Waldorf Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material.
Statler Yeah, a moving target is harder to hit!
They chuckle.
Fozzie Oh, yeah? Well, watch this. Uh — I'm gonna tell this next joke while skating — skating backwards, a-and with my foot in the air, wiggling my ears.
215 fozzie roller skates.jpg
Fozzie Here it goes... y'hah! Hoh! Aah! Okay — a guy walks in to a diner. There's a horse behind the counter. The guy just looks at the horse. The horse says, "What's the matter, surprised to see me here?" And the guy says, "Yeah, did the cow sell the place?" AAAHH!
He bumps into Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler (laughs) He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
Waldorf Wrong. He was doing okay until he came on the stage.
They chuckle. Fozzie gets himself up.
Fozzie "Did the cow sell the place?" Ahaha.

"You're the One"

Kermit And now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, this time backed by the big band of Dr. Teeth, here he is, Mr. Lou Rawls!
You're the One.JPG
Lou, backed by the Electric Mayhem, sings "You're the One" to Miss Piggy, making this the second song of the evening to be dedicated to her.
Miss Piggy I hear ya, Lou! … Tell me, tell me.
Lou Rawls

You are the one, Miss Piggy …
You are the one.
Oh, my little sweet porkchop, my little hammock,
You're the one!



Kermit Okay, well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go...
Fozzie (rolls by) I'm going now...
Kermit Uh, as I was saying, before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou Rawls!
Lou Rawls (rolls by) Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit Wait a minute...
Fozzie (rolls by) Let's not stop!
215 closing.jpg
Lou Rawls (rolls by) Now that we've got things going.
The other Muppets roll around the stage.
Kermit Well, (stammers) we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll as well.
Statler I loved tonight's show!
Waldorf Really?
Statler Of course not. Just wanted to see if I could say it.
They chuckle.