Statler and Waldorf hide behind the curtains of their box.
Gonzo's trumpet flies off.
Gonzo
Come back here!
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, with us tonight is one of the truly great stars...
Fozzie
Thank you! Thank you! You are too kind. Haha.
Kermit
I am not kind, and you are not the star.
Fozzie
(pulls him aside) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second?
Kermit
What?
Fozzie
See, my mother is in the audience. (calls) Hi, Ma!
Fozzie's mother waves from the audience.
Fozzie
Watch me tonight! Haha!
Kermit
Fozzie!
Fozzie
I'm sorry.
Kermit
Um, uh, in addition to our very, um, ahem… (Fozzie waves) … funny bear... uh, tonight's guest star is one of the truly great singers, Miss Cleo Laine.
Fozzie
Cleo Laine!
Kermit
But first... let's limbo!
Fozzie
Let's limbo!
The curtain opens on an island setting. Calypso music plays as we pan over to some singing Muppets.
Muppets
Limbo. Everybody limbo. Limbo … all the day.
They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick. Blue Frackle huddles under it.
Green Frackle
Piña colada!
Blue Frackle
De pole! De pole! De pole! I go under de pole! Whooaaaa…
Muppets
(cheering)
Limbo. Everybody limbo. Limbo … all the day.
They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Green Frackle huddles under it.
Green Frackle
Stick! Stick! The stick!
Muppets
(cheering)
Limbo. Everybody limbo. Limbo … all the day.
They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Baskerville huddles under it.
Blue Frackle
Dance, dance, dance!
Baskerville
Low, low, low, low!
Blue Frackle
Whoaaaa…
Muppets
(cheering)
Limbo. Everybody limbo. Limbo … all the day.
They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Kermit approaches it.
Green Frackle
Hey, the frog! The frog!
Muppets
(cheering)
Kermit scrunches himself under the limbo stick. Applause.
Statler
Terrific! I wonder how the frog did it.
Waldorf scrunches himself down.
Waldorf
Did what? (chuckles)
Statler
Never mind.
Backstage[]
Kermit and the others make their way backstage.
Pig
Whee!
Baskerville
Poochy ka-bow-wow! Can that frog limbo!
Fozzie
Kermit! Kermit! Kermit? Where is that frog? Kermit?
Kermit
I'm down here.
Fozzie
Oh, Kermit. (places him on the table) Kermit — Kermit, do you realize that my mother is in the audience tonight and I wasn't even in the opening number?
Kermit
I don't care.
Fozzie
You don't care? Well, why not?
Kermit
Because I'm all scrunched up.
Fozzie
(looks at him) You are scrunched up. Haaaa. Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my mother...
Kermit
Fozzie, would you unscrunch me!
Fozzie
Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Fozzie jacks Kermit back up to his normal height.
Fozzie
Okay?
Kermit
Oh, thank you.
Fozzie
Okay, great. See, my mother came here tonight, Kermit...
Kermit
Check. And so did Cleo Laine. I gotta go introduce her. (goes onstage)
Fozzie
But Kermit, when is the bear on? That's what I want to know. When is the bear on?
"It Don't Mean a Thing"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce a lady with a truly remarkable voice...
Fozzie
Kermit, Kermit! Quick, look up there!
Kermit looks up. Fozzie shoves him away.
Fozzie
Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
Kermit
Fozzie! (chases him)
The curtain opens on Cleo, backed up by the Electric Mayhem.
Cleo
(scatting)
It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that swing. (scatting) It don't mean a thing, all you got to do is sing. (scatting) No matter if it's sweet or hot — (Zoot solo) Give that rhythm everything you've got! — (Animal solo) It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that swing. (scatting)
You know, it gives me great pleasure to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra.
Applause.
Dr. Teeth
Hey, thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt down those gold records and put 'em in my teeth. It's called putting your money where your mouth is! Hahaha.
Cleo
Check. And here we have the man on bass guitar, the hippest of the hip, Floyd Pepper!
Applause.
Floyd
Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo.
Cleo
Right on. And then we have the weirdest man of the weird, the man on saxophone, Zoot!
Zoot
Hey, it is written, a zebra and a geranium should never use the same toothbrush.
Cleo
Cogently put, Zoot. And here on guitar, the lovely lady herself, Janice.
Janice
Oh, wow, like, I'm really honored to be here, rully.
Cleo
Fer sure. And way up there on the drums, the ma... You know, I'd rather not introduce him.
Floyd
Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo. We nailed his shoes to the bandstand.
Cleo
OK... Animal!
Animal drums wildly. Each of them does their own solo as Cleo scats.
Cleo & Muppets
It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that …
Cleo
...swiiiiiing. (scatting)
Dr. Teeth
Two, three, four.
Cleo
(scatting)
Animal
(growling) Two, three, four!
Cleo
(scatting)
Big finish. Applause.
Janice
Rully. Fer sure, fer sure.
Another shot of Fozzie's mother in the audience.
Backstage[]
Fozzie
Okay, Kermit, now it must be time for me to go on, right?
Kermit
Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs in Space.
Fozzie
What?!
Kermit
Mm-hm.
Fozzie
Kermit, PLEASE let me at least be in Pigs in Space!
Kermit
Uh, you... you can't.
Fozzie
But why can't I be in Pigs in Space?
Kermit
Because you're not a pig! (walks off)
Fozzie
Well, nobody's perfect! (to himself) Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into Pigs in Space.
Miss Piggy
Will somebody please bring me my Pigs in Space costume? (closes door)
Fozzie
(looks up) Oh, thank you!
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Featuring the neandrathalic Captain Link Hogthrob... the over developed First Mate, Miss Piggy... and the tridecophobic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left our heroes last week, Captain Hogthrob had just ordered the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.
Link Hogthrob
Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on deck for inspection.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(into intercom) All hogs on deck! All hogs on deck! Sooie! Pig, pig, pig!
Three pigs enter, but one of them is clearly Fozzie, who waves at the camera.
Link Hogthrob
Ten-hut!
They all stand at attention.
Link Hogthrob
Men, this ship is a disgrace. Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
We thought it was kind of homey, Link.
Link Hogthrob
Doctor, you're out of line. Now I want this entire ship swabbed down from stem to, uh… from stem to... uh, to the back part.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
That's stern, captain.
Link Hogthrob
You bet that's stern. I'm sick of sloppiness. (Fozzie waves) First Mate Piggy!
Fozzie
Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob
Did you shave this morning?
Fozzie
Uhh … no, mon capitain, I did not!
Link Hogthrob
Well, see that it never happens again.
Fozzie
(to camera) Uh, Ma, we're only acting. Don't worry. Ahh.
Link Hogthrob
What?
Fozzie
Nothing, just, you know...
Link Hogthrob
Okay, well that goes for the rest of you men, too. Dismiss!
They all walk out.
Fozzie
Dismiss!
Link Hogthrob
Except for you, First Mate Piggy.
Fozzie
Except for me! Yes, sir, oh, mon capitain! I, First Mate Piggy, would love to be of service to mon capitain, sir!
Link Hogthrob
Uh... you would?
Fozzie
Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob
Well, uh... ahem. Let's step over to the console here. Walk this way.
Fozzie
I'll try. (walks like Link)
Link Hogthrob
Uh, First Mate Piggy?
Fozzie
Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob
Stand next to me.
Fozzie
Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob
Look deep into my eyes.
Fozzie
Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob
Give us a little kiss, pork chop.
Fozzie
Yes. Holy — HAHA! No, sir!
An enamored Link chases after Fozzie.
Link Hogthrob
Oh, sweetheart. First Mate Piggy...
Fozzie
Ma, it's not that kind of a show!
Link Hogthrob
Oh, come on. Please, oh, honey lamb …
Fozzie
Please! You're a pig, I'm a bear! Wait, please!
Announcer
Tune in again next week for another confusing episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Backstage[]
Piggy approaches Kermit.
Miss Piggy
Okay, where is Fozzie?
Kermit
Hmm?
Miss Piggy
How dare he steal my costume! I'll chop him into bear burger!
Link continues chasing Fozzie.
Fozzie
Wait a minute! You— I think you got the wrong idea! A-WHOA! Ho! Wait!
Link Hogthrob
Come back here!
Fozzie
You don't understand! Wait! See? Look, look, look! (removes the wig)
Link Hogthrob
Wha — You're an imposter!
Fozzie
Oh no! Oh, wait — (runs)
Link Hogthrob
Imposter! I'll get you for imposting a pig! Come back here!
Link runs past the stairs, where Fozzie pops up from hiding.
Fozzie
Hahaha. (sees Piggy) Uh-oh.
Miss Piggy
(chases him) There you are! How dare you steal my costume!
Kermit
Hey, guys —
Miss Piggy
Come back here! Yeah! Yeah, I'll get you!
Fozzie
You don't understand! Please, Miss Piggy!
Link and Piggy finally corner Fozzie. They talk over each other.
Link Hogthrob
Okay! Now listen, you're a bear — how can you do —
Miss Piggy
Get him, get him! Talk! I gotcha!
Kermit
Now listen …
Fozzie
Frog! The frog!
Link Hogthrob
The frog! It's all this frog's fault!
As the pigs start to hound Kermit, Fozzie makes his way to the stage.
Kermit
Hey, come on, you guys. What are you doing? It's not my fault!
Bruce Schwartz[]
Main stage. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie
Haaaa. Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma. It looks like it's just you and me for the rest of the evening, folks. Haaaaa. Thought I'd come out and tell a few jokes, sing a few songs...
Kermit
Fozzie, will you get off the stage!
Fozzie
That too, yes.
Kermit
Uh, let's see now, where was I? Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom we have a guest puppeteer on this show. In fact, between you and me, it's rare that we have any puppeteers on the show. So it gives me great pleasure to introduce a very talented young man, Mr. Bruce Schwartz!
Well, that's more than I can say for you! (laughs)
UK spot[]
Rowlf the Dog, Baskerville and Afghan Hound sing "Mad Dogs and Englishmen".
Backstage[]
Fozzie
Okay, Kermit, now you're going to introduce me, right?
Kermit
Uh, no.
Fozzie
But Kermit, my mother is in the audience! When do I go on?
Kermit
When do you go on? You've already been in all the introductions, Pigs in Space, and everything else. What do you want, star billing?
Fozzie
That would be nice.
Kermit
Will you get out of here!
Fozzie
(runs off) Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
The Swedish Chef[]
Open on the Chef, dancing with two pots.
Swedish Chef
(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the pots and prepares to give a demonstration, when Cleo shows up.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish)
Cleo
Excuse me! You look like a very understanding person, and maybe you can solve my problem for me. You see…
I hear singing and there's no one there. I smell blossoms and the trees are bare. All day long I seem to walk on air. I wonder why. I wonder why.
Can you tell me why?
The Chef sings the secondary part, as he makes a salad.
Cleo
Let's get this together, shall we?
The two sing their verses simultaneously as they finish making the salad. The Chef plays a frying pan as a ukulele as the song ends. Cleo tastes the salad and reacts in disgust, then hugs the Chef. Applause.
Waldorf
Well, I just learned something about the Swedish Chef I didn't know before.
Statler
What's that?
Waldorf
Cooking is the second worst thing he does.
They chuckle.
Fozzie's comedy act[]
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Fozzie
(peeking from the curtain) Kermit, Kermit, please, now me, please?
Kermit
Yes, now!
Fozzie
Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit
Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to an overwhelming demand... from him, if not from the rest of us... here he is, our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens on Fozzie as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie
Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Yes! Tonight, because there is a certain someone special in the audience, I will do a special act. Phrenology!
Kermit
Phren-what?
Fozzie
And — and — and for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer. (grabs Kermit)
Kermit
Fozzie, what are you — what are you gonna do?
Fozzie
Trust me, it's for my mother. Okay! Okay, gang... phrenology. The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his head.
Fozzie
Okay. Now, here we go. Mm. Well, I can tell you're a very flexible person. Mm.
Kermit
Fozzie.
Fozzie
Yes, okay, okay, here we go. Uh … I can see in your future... (turns Kermit's head) Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow... you will have a stiff neck. — Oh, 'scuse me, yes, okay.
Kermit
You're gonna — you're gonna get another job tomorrow, too, I'll tell you that.
Fozzie
Please, please. Do it — do it for Mom.
Kermit
Yeah, sure. For Mother.
Fozzie
Okay, here we go! Bumps! You got some nice bumps, frog. Bumps, bumps.
Kermit
Wonderful.
Fozzie
Gee, except your, uh... Your bumps for intelligence are very small.
Kermit
What?
Fozzie
Yeah. That — 's okay. I can fix that.
Kermit
You're gonna what?
Fozzie whacks Kermit on the head with a mallet.
Fozzie
You will notice —
Kermit
FOZZIE!! WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE!! (chases him away)
The curtain closes as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
"If"[]
Robin comes onstage and looks around.
Robin
Hi. Uh, Uncle Kermit's kinda busy right now, so I don't think he'd mind if I tell you that here now, accompanied by the puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz, is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine. (sigh)
Cleo sings the melancholic "If," while Bruce Schwartz accompanies her with another puppetry performance.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, I think we've come down to the end of it. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
Applause. The Muppets gather around Cleo.
Fozzie
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Cleo
Oh, thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun, really.
Kermit
Oh, thank you.
Fozzie
Yeah.
Cleo
Hey Fozzie —
Fozzie
Hmm?
Cleo
— did your mum enjoy the show?
Fozzie
Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask her.
Kermit
Oh, listen, Fozzie, why don't you ask her?
Fozzie
Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?
