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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 216: Cleo Laine.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Cleo Laine? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Laine.
Cleo I'm ready. Oh, I hope the Muppets like me.
She is immediately ravaged by Animal.
216 cold open.jpg
Animal Like? Love! Love Cleo Laine! Love!
Cleo (giggling) Hey! Hate me a little, will you?
Animal Love, love!


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Cleo Laine!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
216 statler and waldorf.jpg
Statler and Waldorf hide behind the curtains of their box.
216 trumpet.jpg
Gonzo's trumpet flies off.
Gonzo Come back here!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, with us tonight is one of the truly great stars...
Fozzie Thank you! Thank you! You are too kind. Haha.
Kermit I am not kind, and you are not the star.
Fozzie (pulls him aside) Uh, Kermit, could I talk to you for a second?
Kermit What?
216 intro.jpg
Fozzie See, my mother is in the audience. (calls) Hi, Ma!
216 intro 2.jpg
Fozzie's mother waves from the audience.
Fozzie Watch me tonight! Haha!
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie I'm sorry.
Kermit Um, uh, in addition to our very, um, ahem… (Fozzie waves) … funny bear... uh, tonight's guest star is one of the truly great singers, Miss Cleo Laine.
Fozzie Cleo Laine!
Kermit But first... let's limbo!
Fozzie Let's limbo!
The curtain opens on an island setting. Calypso music plays as we pan over to some singing Muppets.

Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.

They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick. Blue Frackle huddles under it.
Green Frackle Piña colada!
Blue Frackle De pole! De pole! De pole! I go under de pole! Whooaaaa…
Muppets (cheering)

Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.

They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Green Frackle huddles under it.
Green Frackle Stick! Stick! The stick!
Muppets (cheering)

Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.

They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Baskerville huddles under it.
Blue Frackle Dance, dance, dance!
Baskerville Low, low, low, low!
Blue Frackle Whoaaaa…
Muppets (cheering)

Limbo. Everybody limbo.
Limbo … all the day.

They all cheer as they go to the limbo stick and lower it. Kermit approaches it.
Green Frackle Hey, the frog! The frog!
Muppets (cheering)
216 limbo.jpg
Kermit scrunches himself under the limbo stick. Applause.
Statler Terrific! I wonder how the frog did it.
Waldorf scrunches himself down.
Waldorf Did what? (chuckles)
Statler Never mind.


Kermit and the others make their way backstage.
Pig Whee!
Baskerville Poochy ka-bow-wow! Can that frog limbo!
Fozzie Kermit! Kermit! Kermit? Where is that frog? Kermit?
Kermit I'm down here.
Fozzie Oh, Kermit. (places him on the table) Kermit — Kermit, do you realize that my mother is in the audience tonight and I wasn't even in the opening number?
Kermit I don't care.
Fozzie You don't care? Well, why not?
216 scrunched.jpg
Kermit Because I'm all scrunched up.
Fozzie (looks at him) You are scrunched up. Haaaa. Hey, hey, but Kermit, you see, my mother...
Kermit Fozzie, would you unscrunch me!
Fozzie Yes, sir, yes, sir.
Fozzie jacks Kermit back up to his normal height.
Fozzie Okay?
Kermit Oh, thank you.
Fozzie Okay, great. See, my mother came here tonight, Kermit...
Kermit Check. And so did Cleo Laine. I gotta go introduce her. (goes onstage)
Fozzie But Kermit, when is the bear on? That's what I want to know. When is the bear on?

"It Don't Mean a Thing"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce a lady with a truly remarkable voice...
Fozzie Kermit, Kermit! Quick, look up there!
216 fozzie trick.jpg
Kermit looks up. Fozzie shoves him away.
Fozzie Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
Kermit Fozzie! (chases him)
The curtain opens on Cleo, backed up by the Electric Mayhem.
Cleo (scatting)

It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that swing.
It don't mean a thing, all you got to do is sing.
No matter if it's sweet or hot — (Zoot solo)
Give that rhythm everything you've got! — (Animal solo)
It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that swing.
You know, it gives me great pleasure to be appearing here with Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem Orchestra.

Dr. Teeth Hey, thank you, Cleo. You know, I melt down those gold records and put 'em in my teeth. It's called putting your money where your mouth is! Hahaha.
Cleo Check. And here we have the man on bass guitar, the hippest of the hip, Floyd Pepper!
Floyd Yeah, movin' and groovin', Cleo.
Cleo Right on. And then we have the weirdest man of the weird, the man on saxophone, Zoot!
Zoot Hey, it is written, a zebra and a geranium should never use the same toothbrush.
Cleo Cogently put, Zoot. And here on guitar, the lovely lady herself, Janice.
Janice Oh, wow, like, I'm really honored to be here, rully.
Cleo Fer sure. And way up there on the drums, the ma... You know, I'd rather not introduce him.
Floyd Oh, he won't hurt you, Cleo. We nailed his shoes to the bandstand.
216 dont mean a thing.jpg
Cleo OK... Animal!
Animal drums wildly. Each of them does their own solo as Cleo scats.
Cleo & Muppets It don't mean a thing, if ya ain't got that …
Cleo ...swiiiiiing. (scatting)
Dr. Teeth Two, three, four.
Cleo (scatting)
Animal (growling) Two, three, four!
Cleo (scatting)
Big finish. Applause.
Janice Rully. Fer sure, fer sure.
Another shot of Fozzie's mother in the audience.


Fozzie Okay, Kermit, now it must be time for me to go on, right?
Kermit Uh, no, no, now it's time for Pigs in Space.
Fozzie What?!
Kermit Mm-hm.
Fozzie Kermit, PLEASE let me at least be in Pigs in Space!
Kermit Uh, you... you can't.
Fozzie But why can't I be in Pigs in Space?
Kermit Because you're not a pig! (walks off)
Fozzie Well, nobody's perfect! (to himself) Oh, if only I had an idea to get me into Pigs in Space.
216 fozzie piggy.jpg
Miss Piggy Will somebody please bring me my Pigs in Space costume? (closes door)
Fozzie (looks up) Oh, thank you!

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Featuring the neandrathalic Captain Link Hogthrob... the over developed First Mate, Miss Piggy... and the tridecophobic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left our heroes last week, Captain Hogthrob had just ordered the Swinetrek's biannual inspection.
Link Hogthrob Dr. Strangepork, call the entire crew on deck for inspection.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (into intercom) All hogs on deck! All hogs on deck! Sooie! Pig, pig, pig!
Three pigs enter, but one of them is clearly Fozzie, who waves at the camera.
Link Hogthrob Ten-hut!
216 pigs in space.jpg
They all stand at attention.
Link Hogthrob Men, this ship is a disgrace. Worse than that, it's like a pigsty.
Dr. Julius Strangepork We thought it was kind of homey, Link.
Link Hogthrob Doctor, you're out of line. Now I want this entire ship swabbed down from stem to, uh… from stem to... uh, to the back part.
Dr. Julius Strangepork That's stern, captain.
Link Hogthrob You bet that's stern. I'm sick of sloppiness. (Fozzie waves) First Mate Piggy!
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob Did you shave this morning?
Fozzie Uhh … no, mon capitain, I did not!
Link Hogthrob Well, see that it never happens again.
Fozzie (to camera) Uh, Ma, we're only acting. Don't worry. Ahh.
Link Hogthrob What?
Fozzie Nothing, just, you know...
Link Hogthrob Okay, well that goes for the rest of you men, too. Dismiss!
They all walk out.
Fozzie Dismiss!
Link Hogthrob Except for you, First Mate Piggy.
Fozzie Except for me! Yes, sir, oh, mon capitain! I, First Mate Piggy, would love to be of service to mon capitain, sir!
Link Hogthrob Uh... you would?
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob Well, uh... ahem. Let's step over to the console here. Walk this way.
Fozzie I'll try. (walks like Link)
Link Hogthrob Uh, First Mate Piggy?
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob Stand next to me.
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob Look deep into my eyes.
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob Give us a little kiss, pork chop.
Fozzie Yes. Holy — HAHA! No, sir!
An enamored Link chases after Fozzie.
Link Hogthrob Oh, sweetheart. First Mate Piggy...
Fozzie Ma, it's not that kind of a show!
Link Hogthrob Oh, come on. Please, oh, honey lamb …
Fozzie Please! You're a pig, I'm a bear! Wait, please!
Announcer Tune in again next week for another confusing episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!


Piggy approaches Kermit.
Miss Piggy Okay, where is Fozzie?
Kermit Hmm?
Miss Piggy How dare he steal my costume! I'll chop him into bear burger!
Link continues chasing Fozzie.
Fozzie Wait a minute! You— I think you got the wrong idea! A-WHOA! Ho! Wait!
Link Hogthrob Come back here!
Fozzie You don't understand! Wait! See? Look, look, look! (removes the wig)
216 imposter.jpg
Link Hogthrob Wha — You're an imposter!
Fozzie Oh no! Oh, wait — (runs)
Link Hogthrob Imposter! I'll get you for imposting a pig! Come back here!
Link runs past the stairs, where Fozzie pops up from hiding.
Fozzie Hahaha. (sees Piggy) Uh-oh.
Miss Piggy (chases him) There you are! How dare you steal my costume!
Kermit Hey, guys —
Miss Piggy Come back here! Yeah! Yeah, I'll get you!
Fozzie You don't understand! Please, Miss Piggy!
Link and Piggy finally corner Fozzie. They talk over each other.
Link Hogthrob Okay! Now listen, you're a bear — how can you do —
Miss Piggy Get him, get him! Talk! I gotcha!
Kermit Now listen …
Fozzie Frog! The frog!
Link Hogthrob The frog! It's all this frog's fault!
As the pigs start to hound Kermit, Fozzie makes his way to the stage.
Kermit Hey, come on, you guys. What are you doing? It's not my fault!

Bruce Schwartz

Main stage. Fozzie enters.
216 fozzie.jpg
Fozzie Haaaa. Hiya, hiya, hiya! Hi, ma. It looks like it's just you and me for the rest of the evening, folks. Haaaaa. Thought I'd come out and tell a few jokes, sing a few songs...
Kermit Fozzie, will you get off the stage!
Fozzie That too, yes.
Kermit Uh, let's see now, where was I? Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it's very seldom we have a guest puppeteer on this show. In fact, between you and me, it's rare that we have any puppeteers on the show. So it gives me great pleasure to introduce a very talented young man, Mr. Bruce Schwartz!
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Guest puppeteer Bruce Schwartz performs a bunraku ballerina puppet.
Waldorf Oh, that puppet looked so alive!
Statler Well, that's more than I can say for you! (laughs)

UK spot

Mad Dogs.JPG
Rowlf the Dog, Baskerville and Afghan Hound sing "Mad Dogs and Englishmen".


Fozzie Okay, Kermit, now you're going to introduce me, right?
Kermit Uh, no.
TMS216 KerFozbackstage.png
Fozzie But Kermit, my mother is in the audience! When do I go on?
Kermit When do you go on? You've already been in all the introductions, Pigs in Space, and everything else. What do you want, star billing?
Fozzie That would be nice.
Kermit Will you get out of here!
Fozzie (runs off) Yes, sir! Yes, sir!

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, dancing with two pots.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the pots and prepares to give a demonstration, when Cleo shows up.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Cleo Excuse me! You look like a very understanding person, and maybe you can solve my problem for me. You see…

I hear singing and there's no one there.
I smell blossoms and the trees are bare.
All day long I seem to walk on air.
I wonder why. I wonder why.
Can you tell me why?

The Chef sings the secondary part, as he makes a salad.
Cleo Let's get this together, shall we?
216 chef.jpg
The two sing their verses simultaneously as they finish making the salad. The Chef plays a frying pan as a ukulele as the song ends. Cleo tastes the salad and reacts in disgust, then hugs the Chef. Applause.
Waldorf Well, I just learned something about the Swedish Chef I didn't know before.
Statler What's that?
Waldorf Cooking is the second worst thing he does.
They chuckle.

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Fozzie (peeking from the curtain) Kermit, Kermit, please, now me, please?
Kermit Yes, now!
Fozzie Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit Uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, due to an overwhelming demand... from him, if not from the rest of us... here he is, our own furry funny man, Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens on Fozzie as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hey, hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! Yes! Tonight, because there is a certain someone special in the audience, I will do a special act. Phrenology!
Kermit Phren-what?
Fozzie And — and — and for this demonstration, I will need a volunteer. (grabs Kermit)
Kermit Fozzie, what are you — what are you gonna do?
Fozzie Trust me, it's for my mother. Okay! Okay, gang... phrenology. The art of reading a person's fortune by feeling the bumps on his head.
216 phrenology.jpg
Fozzie Okay. Now, here we go. Mm. Well, I can tell you're a very flexible person. Mm.
Kermit Fozzie.
Fozzie Yes, okay, okay, here we go. Uh … I can see in your future... (turns Kermit's head) Tomorrow, yes, tomorrow... you will have a stiff neck. — Oh, 'scuse me, yes, okay.
Kermit You're gonna — you're gonna get another job tomorrow, too, I'll tell you that.
Fozzie Please, please. Do it — do it for Mom.
Kermit Yeah, sure. For Mother.
Fozzie Okay, here we go! Bumps! You got some nice bumps, frog. Bumps, bumps.
Kermit Wonderful.
Fozzie Gee, except your, uh... Your bumps for intelligence are very small.
Kermit What?
Fozzie Yeah. That — 's okay. I can fix that.
Kermit You're gonna what?
Fozzie whacks Kermit on the head with a mallet.
Fozzie You will notice —
Kermit FOZZIE!! WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE!! (chases him away)
The curtain closes as Fozzie's fanfare plays.


Robin comes onstage and looks around.
216 robin.jpg
Robin Hi. Uh, Uncle Kermit's kinda busy right now, so I don't think he'd mind if I tell you that here now, accompanied by the puppet artistry of Bruce Schwartz, is the lovely Miss Cleo Laine. (sigh)
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Cleo sings the melancholic "If," while Bruce Schwartz accompanies her with another puppetry performance.


Kermit Well, I think we've come down to the end of it. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you for our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cleo Laine!
Applause. The Muppets gather around Cleo.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Cleo Oh, thanks, Kermit. It's been a lot of fun, really.
Kermit Oh, thank you.
Fozzie Yeah.
Cleo Hey Fozzie —
Fozzie Hmm?
Cleo — did your mum enjoy the show?
Fozzie Oh, I don't know. I haven't even had time to ask her.
Kermit Oh, listen, Fozzie, why don't you ask her?
216 closing.jpg
Fozzie Okay. Ahem. Uh, hey, Mom! How'd you like the show?
Fozzie's mom (snores)
Fozzie (facepalms) Oh! Ma, how could you? Oh!
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The banter continues as the credits roll.
Waldorf Well, shall we call it a night?
Statler Might as well. Certainly wouldn't call it a show.
They chuckle.