It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Julie Andrews! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf whistle along to the music.
Gonzo's horn lights up as the stage lights dim.
Opening number[]
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're very excited around here tonight. Our guest star is a wonderfully talented lady and a good friend of mine. And here she is now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
Julie sings "The Lonely Goatherd" and is joined by a Goat, Kermit (as a prince), and several other Muppet characters.
Rowlf
(aside) You know, I saw the movie twice.
The song finishes. Applause.
Waldorf
Hooray! Bravo! I loved the goat.
Statler
(aside) He would... the old goat. (laughs)
Backstage[]
Kermit, still in costume, goes backstage with the rest of them, also passing a live cow.
Kermit
OK, great opening number with the goats and the pigs. Way to go, cow. (balks) Cow?
He goes closer to investigate.
Kermit
It's a real cow, all right. Scooter!
Scooter
Yeah, chief?
Kermit
Scooter, uh, refresh my memory. Uh, was there a cow in that opening number?
Scooter
No.
Kermit
Then what's a cow doing backstage?!
Scooter
What cow?
Kermit
That cow right there!
Scooter
(gasps) Kermit, that's a cow!
Kermit
I know what it is!! How'd it get in here?
Scooter
I guess he must've sneaked in.
Kermit
Cows don't sneak. Snakes sneak. Uh, find out who it belongs to.
Scooter
OK.
Scooter
Who do you belong to?
Kermit
Scooter!
Scooter
OK, chief. OK. (exits)
Kermit
I think they're gonna love this show in Jersey.
Muppet newsflash[]
The Newsman runs up to the desk.
Newsman
Here is a Muppet news flash. A plane carrying a load of sports equipment was forced to jettison some of its cargo. Among the items tossed out were ten thousand ping-pong balls …
Newsman
(scowling) …and one bowling ball.
BOP! A bowling ball knocks him out.
Gonzo's act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death-defying musicrobatics never seen before... >ahem< uh, the Great Gonzo will perform on bagpipes the Eine Kleine Nachtmusik from a flagpole, ten feet in the air? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
An off-key fanfare plays. Gonzo does his thing, until a hungry beaver chews the pole and causes him to fall. Timber!
Waldorf
(laughing) Hey, Gonzo should quit while he's ahead.
Statler
Huh, Gonzo should quit while he's alive.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Gonzo and the beaver go backstage.
Kermit
Are you OK, Gonzo?
Gonzo
Oh, sure. I just fell eleven feet onto solid concrete.
Kermit
Huh, well, that's too bad. It looks like you're gonna have to get a new bagpipe.
Gonzo
Yeah, I'm having it made out of solid beaver skin.
Kermit
Uh, sorry about that beaver. I don't know how it got in here. Usually we're much more careful about who we allow in this place.
Gonzo
(notices the cow) Yeah, I can see that.
Kermit
(aside) Yeah, the cow. It's been a bad night for security.
Gonzo
Wow. You got a great pair of legs. In fact, she's got two great pair of legs. Hey, uh, you wouldn't think about going into show business, would you? Will you at least have dinner with me? Promise?
Kermit
Gonzo!
Gonzo
Oh. (exits)
Scooter
Hey, chief?
Kermit
Hmm?
Scooter
Well, so far nobody knows nothing about the cow.
Kermit
Well, keep trying. We cannot have a cow backstage.
Scooter
Hmm. Well, look on the bright side.
Kermit
Hmm?
Scooter
At least you won't have to give us milk money anymore.
Kermit
Scooter!
They both run off.
"Moonlight Sonata"[]
Rowlf plays "Moonlight Sonata" as the moon rises in the background.
Talk spot[]
Kermit and Julie sit at a brick wall with a park backdrop.
Kermit
You know, Julie, it's very nice to be able to talk quietly with you for a minute.
Julie
Thank you, Kermit, I feel the same way. You know, there's something I was going to ask you.
Scooter
Excuse me, Julie. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit
Yeah?
Scooter
Your nephew Robin just fell in a tuba.
Julie
He just what?
Scooter
He fell in a tuba. But, it's OK. Animal's getting him out.
A loud BLATT is heard. Robin sails across the stage.
Robin
Whee!
Scooter
Gesundheit. (exits)
Julie
Hey, Robin, are you all right?
Robin
Yeah, it's fun! (exits)
Julie
Oh, my.
Kermit
Now, you were saying, Julie?
Julie
Oh, well, I was gonna ask —
Fozzie
Uh, excuse me — I hate to interrupt, Julie. Uh, excuse me. Kermit?
Kermit
Yeah?
Fozzie
Kermit, uh, did you ask to see the Flying Zucchinis' human cannonball act?
Kermit
Not right now, Fozzie.
Fozzie
OK, I'll go tell them. (to Julie) Bye-bye.
Julie
Bye.
A loud bang is heard. A Zucchini brother flies across the stage from left to right.
Fozzie
(passing by) Uh, Kermit, I was too late, y'see — Oh, never mind.
Kermit
Yes, you were saying...
BANG! Another cannon is heard. Another Zucchini brother flies across the stage from right to left.
Fozzie
(passing by) Uh, you see, they have two cannons...
Kermit
OK, OK! Just get out of here!
Fozzie
Oh! Yes, yes, sir, yes!
Kermit
Now, I'm sorry, Julie, you were trying to say...
Gonzo
Kermit! Sweetums and Thog are playing badminton!
Kermit
So?
Gonzo
Well, they're playing with my chicken!
Camilla is swatted back and forth. Another Zucchini brother flies across the stage. Robin takes another tuba ride. Rinse and repeat.
Kermit
Uh, Julie, you were asking?
Julie
Oh, nothing. I just... was wondering what you guys did for entertainment around here.
Kermit
Oh, nothing much.
Scooter, Fozzie and Gonzo all watch the badminton match along with them.
Fozzie
Fowl!
At the Dance[]
The typical "At the Dance" music plays, until Gonzo takes the center and starts to sing.
Gonzo
And now the band is playing very slow. >sniff< And once again, I'll get my coat and go. A lonely wallflower waiting by the wall, Without the willpower to face the music at all. Please, won't somebody dance with me? Start up a romance with me? Just someone to care, Someone somewhere, who will dance with me?
He approaches a couple.
Gonzo
Uh, excuse me.
Woman
You're excused!
He approaches a pig couple.
Gonzo
Excuse me, it's, it's time to change partners.
Miss Piggy
No, it's time to change ballrooms, creep.
He approaches another couple.
Gonzo
Excuse me, can I cut in?
Woman 2
That reminds me, Marvin, did you remember to feed the anteater?
Gonzo
Please, won't somebody dance with me? Start up a romance with me? (gasps) There she is!
He and Camilla twirl around and around as the others watch.
Kermit, you've really been busy since I saw you last.
Kermit
Oh, yeah. We've been doing this show and all that stuff.
Julie
Oh, and I love the shows. I watch them every week.
Kermit
Oh, hey, that's nice. Gee, but, uh, you know, one thing a lot of people don't know about you, is that you write children's books.
Julie
I really enjoy doing that, too.
Kermit
Mm-hm. And you also write songs.
Julie
Well, I wrote one for you, remember?
Kermit
You wrote one for me?
Julie
Oh, Kermit, how could you have forgotten?
Kermit
Oh, I didn't forget. We did it on a special of yours a couple of years ago.
Julie
That's right.
Kermit
Hey, would you do that now?
Julie
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
Music swells up and the lights dim to a nautical blue.
Kermit
(aside) Actually, I knew she was gonna do it.
They giggle.
Julie
Ready?
Kermit
Mm-hmm.
Julie
When you were a tadpole, And I was a fish, When the whole world had barely begun…
Kermit
As far back as that?
Julie
Mm-hmm.
I saw you swim by, With a smile in your eye, And I loved you from that moment on.
Kermit
That's a lovely thought.
Julie
And through all the changes From fins into fingers, I longed for the day you would be… The sweet loving person You've finally become From that faraway day in the sea. And my first wish …
Kermit
What's that?
Julie
That you'd love me too, 'Cause I've loved you since you were A tadpole, and I was a fish.
Kermit
Oh, that really is a lovely song.
Julie
Oh, I'm glad you like it, Kermit.
Kermit
It's a little bit fishy.
Julie
Oh. (chuckles)
Kermit
I... I really love it, though. And I love when you sing it.
Julie
Thank you.
I'm so glad that you love me too, 'Cause I've loved you since you were A tadpole … and I was… Guess what.
Kermit
A fish?
Julie
A fish.
Kermit snuggles up to her. Applause.
Editorial[]
Sam walks up to the podium as his fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle
>ahem< Greetings. As an American eagle, I feel it is my duty to say a few words about the glories of industry and technology. There are those among us... (looks around) … who would silence our factories, shut down our mills and grind our highways to a halt. Yea, verily, today the very fiber of our industrialization is under attack from a small, subversive group of namby-pamby conservationists. These weirdos would stop the march of progress for the sake of a few insignificant animals.
Sam the Eagle
I have here a list! A list of the animals these so-called "conservationists" would have us protect! Just listen to this. The mountain lion. Hah! The alligator. Huh! The coyote, the timber wolf. Ha. The American bald eagle. (looks again) The American bald eagle? (tosses the paper) Excuse me, this list is now inoperative.
He exits.
Backstage[]
Gonzo, holding flowers and candy, looks for the cow.
Gonzo
Where's the cow? We had a date!
Scooter
Oh, she's gone.
Gonzo
Oh. Well, I guess I've still got time to call a chicken. (exits)
Kermit
Say, where's the cow?
Scooter
Oh, well, I finally found someone who's gonna do something with her.
Kermit
Oh, yeah? Who?
Scooter
The Swedish Chef.
Kermit
Eep!
They both rush over. Meanwhile, the Chef is painting cross-sections on the cow.
Kermit
What are you doing?
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … de bårbecüe.
Kermit
You can't do that. Come on, out, out.
He shoos the Chef away.
Kermit
Now, Scooter?
Scooter
Hmm?
Kermit
Uh, would you erase that cow? (exits)
Scooter
Oh, sure, boss. (aside) Erase the cow?
Muppet Labs[]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, we are just feverishly excited here at the labs today because our latest invention is ready for testing. Here it is, Muppet Labs' new hair-growing tonic. And who better to test it on than my willing and eager lab assistant, Beaker. Come on in here, Beaker.
Beaker appears skittish.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Now you would like to — you would just love to test this new hair-growing tonic, wouldn't you, Beaker?
Beaker
(shakes head) Mm-mm.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Mm-hmm, I knew he would. OK, just sit down on this stool, here. Come on. There you go.
He shakes some tonic on Beaker's hair.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
We'll shake a little bit of this on here. Put it down. And massage it in vigorously. Well, yes, now in a matter of seconds you can grow a rich, luxurious head of hair. Go from a baldy to a shaggy in the mere tick of a clock. There. Now watch closely, here's the result of using Muppets' hair-growing tonic.
Beaker's scalp rockets off his head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Perhaps we should call it "hair-raising" tonic. (snickers)
Backstage[]
Kermit looks at the cow.
Scooter
Hey, Kermit? Kermit, I found some guys who'll get rid of the cow for you.
Kermit
Oh, that's great. Who are they?
Scooter
The Zucchini Brothers.
Kermit
The human cannonball act?
Scooter
Yeah, but now they're gonna change it to a cow cannonball act.
The Zucchini brothers wheel in a cannon.
Zucchini Brother 1
Booma-booma. OK, now we get it. There'sa the cow. (they grab Kermit)
Kermit
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. I'm a frog. The cow's over there.
Zucchini Brother 2
Oh! That'sa the cow!
Zucchini Brother 3
Of course-a! We gotta put'a the cow into the cannon.
Zucchini Brothers
Yeah, booma-booma. Booma-booma.
Kermit
I don't believe this. I'm gonna go introduce Julie Andrews.
Zucchini Brothers
Okay, you do the booma-booma?
"I Whistle a Happy Tune"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Miss Julie Andrews.
Open on a dark and spooky park. Monsters dance and hide as Julie enters through the gate, whistling. As she sings "I Whistle a Happy Tune," she tries to fend off the monsters.
Julie
OK, kids, this has been a lot of fun. I think we should now pretend I get away.
She runs away, but the monsters catch up with her and toss her about.
Julie
Oh, help!
Sweetums
Don't be afraid, Julie. We only wanted your autograph for a picture.
The other monsters nod in agreement.
Julie
Well, I don't happen to have a pen on me at the moment. But, er, there's one at the police station around the corner. Come with me.
They all stand up and give the song a proper finish. Applause.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, we've come now to the end of another Muppet Show and I must say that this one has been a particularly moo-ving experience. But before we go, let's have a warm thank you to our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Julie Andrews!
Julie
Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. I've really had a super time on the show.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Julie
Except for one thing.
Kermit
Uh, what's that?
Julie
Well, I seem to have lost my cow around here somewhere.
Kermit
Cow? That was your cow?
BOOM! A cannon is heard.
Julie
Kermit, what was that?
Kermit
(stammering) Uh, nothing …
Zucchini Brothers
Yay! Booma-booma!
Kermit
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll as Julie asks around.
Julie
Kermit, about my cow. It was quite small. Have you seen a cow here, has lovely brown eyes and big lashes? You've seen her?