Episode 218: Jaye P. Morgan/transcript

Jaye P. Morgan? Jaye P. Morgan, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan.

Scooter, I have a present for you.

Ah, gee, thanks. Hey, this is a...

This is not going to be just another cute puppet show.

[Drumroll]

It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star Miss Jaye P. Morgan.

[Applause]

Lt's time to play the music Lt's time to light the light

Lt's time to meet the Muppets on The Muppet Show tonight

Lt's time to put on makeup Lt's time to dress up right

Lt's time to get things started

Let's get this turkey on the road!

Lt's time to get things started on the most sensational

Lnspirational, celebrational Muppetational

This is what we call

The Muppet Show

Thank you, thank you! Here we are again with another one of those things titled The Muppet Show. Starting off, we are going to do the very first piece of material the Muppets ever did. No kidding. It was a little song entitled Tweedlee Dee. We first did it 20 years ago. But tonight we have new and cute version of it done by our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan. Yay!

[ Tweedlee Dee]

Tweedlee tweedlee dee? What am I doing here? I mean, this is really corny. And I'm dressing with a bunch of pigs. Then they put me in this bird-brained costume. Want me to be cute? The feathers smell like a skunk. Then I gotta sing.

Ooh-wee, you are one cute bird, Jaye P.

I'm getting sick, too.

Fact, you're one cute Jaye bird, Jaye P.

Oh, terrific. Now they're making bad jokes on my name.

I thought it was funny.

This is the worst.

What're you gonna ask me to do next?

Modulate, Jaye P., modulate.

Woo-hoo!

Going into a coma.

Dumb is right.

All right, here we go, head for home.

Home it is!

Dumb.

Oh, Jaye P. Morgan is terrific.

Yep, but that number was for the birds.

You had to do that joke, huh?

One of us had to and I lost the toss.

Cheep, cheep!

OK, way to go, bird!

Cheep, cheep!

Back to your dressing nest. Oh, Jaye P., that was a terrific number.

It was?

Oh, it really was. I just can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on the show.

Ah, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here.

Indifferent?

Yeah, well, you know what I mean.

But, what's wrong?

That last number was terrific. It was really cute.

Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it?

Oh, it was. It was just so cute. I hate cute.

Uh, we're in trouble. Uh, listen, Jaye P., we're not all cute around here.

Oh! Jaye P.!

Wait, Animal, don't do it!

I, I... Cute's not the only thing I hate!

Hey, Chef, you're on! Animal!

[Singing in gibberish]

[Speaking in mock Swedish]

Coconut.

It's hard to open the coconut. It's hard... hard... cut the coconut. Sawzen, sawzen the coconut.

[Humming]

We got the clubber. Clubber the coconut.

[Hums]

[Mock Swedish]

Oh! It's a bomb?

Oh, wait just a minute.

That's the second time tonight they've used a bomb joke.

Three's a charm.

Hey, bang up job, Chef.

Hey, hey, Kermit. How's Jaye P.?

Oh, she's fine. She's a little upset because the opening number was cute, but she's OK now.

Good. I just sent up a cake to her dressing room.

Mmm. Wait, Kermit! Not the cake that was here on the table.

Uh, yeah. Why?

Crazy Harry baked that.

Hey, Kermit, can we get back to the cute part?

Uh, look, Jaye P., I'll be right up.

Fozzie, go introduce the next number.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Hey, uh, hey. Kermit wants me to do the next introduction.

Oh, yeah?

Well, he's the only one who does.

Hey, come on, guys. No heckling? I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.

Have you ever been?

Hey, you know that the bear is funny.

You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week.

Oh, th...

Well, I didn't do an act last week.

I rest my case.

That's very good.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the Great with a trumpet solo, Flight of the Bumblebee.

That does it, I'm leaving.

[ Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov: Flight of the Bumblebee]

Ow!

You know, the trouble with women is they always take things personally.

I don't.

The trouble with men is that they're all too wishy-washy.

Well, sometimes yes, and... sometimes no.

The trouble with you is you can't take criticism.

Oh, that's a low-down, rotten lie. What do you mean I can't take...

The trouble with you is you're conceited.

I am not. Although I have every reason to be.

The trouble with you is you're always sticking your nose into everybody's business.

Ah, what choice have I got?

You know, the trouble with you is you're so stubborn.

You refuse to change.

Wanna bet?

[ English Country Garden]

Hey. I didn't know you could play the piano.

I didn't know it either.

I'll join in.

Very good. Here I go.

Oh, he's good.

Yeah.

Ahh...

This is my part.

Take it.

Very good.

Thank you.

Yeah. Together.

OK. You take it now, OK? Ready, go!

Ahh...

Come on in.

It's fun. Ahh...

Ready? Modulate.

What? What's that?

Yay, you did it.

Thank you. Whatever.

Oh, my hat. What do I do?

Can you play hatless?

What?

I said "Can you play hatless?"

I don't know. Who wrote it?

Keep playing.

Yes, sir.

Oh, that's how it works, huh?

Just play.

Yes, sir.

Big finish.

Watch out!

Huh?

So, Jaye P., how ya doing?

Just terrible. So far, I've been attacked by Animal and two explosions have gone off next to me. I'm starting to feel like a moving target around here.

Well, let me explain about those explosions. On this show explosions are one of our trademarks.

I can believe that.

Uh, and, in fact, on this show things blow up all the time. I mean, anything can blow up. Uh, you see what I mean?

Wow. How'd you do that?

It was really quite simple. In fact, it's rather fun.

I guess you could say you get a bang out of it, huh?

Uh, well, you could say that, but, uh, we did that joke last year.

Check.

Uh, what else could we talk about?

How about your hat?

Oh, great idea. You know explosions are one of your trademarks?

Mm-hmm.

Spectacular hats are one of mine.

Ah, that one is fantastic.

I particularly wanted to wear this one on The Muppet Show, too.

Well, why is that?

I guess you could say I blew my top?

Yeah, well, you could say that but...

We did that joke last year.

Figures.

Uh...this talk spot is about over. Shall we leave?

Why not?

After you.

Uh, do you suppose that means we'll never see them again?

Well, we can always hope.

Two, three, four.

And now, Pigs in Space! Starring the fatuous Captain Link Hogthrob... The recalcitrant first mate, Miss Piggy. And the describable Dr. Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was in serious danger as it plummeted towards Earth at an alarming rate.

Uh, Dr. Strangepork, why are we plummeting toward Earth at an alarming rate?

We've lost the number three engine.

Well, how long will it take to fix it?

We can't. It's really lost, it fell off.

Is there anything we can do?

Yes, we can maintain our present altitude if we lighten the weight of the rocket ship. How much weight will we have to toss overboard?

Um... one pig.

Yeah, that should do it.

Rather drastic, isn't it?

I wasn't thinking of you, Link.

You're the captain.

Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.

Well, I would volunteer myself, except that I'm the only one who knows how all this technical stuff works.

That's very true.

Well, if it isn't you or me...

Well, I just finished doing the laundry.

Oh, well, thank you, First Mate Piggy.

But, I'm telling you right now, that is the last laundry this pig is doing.

You can say that again.

Uh, Miss Piggy?

Hmm?

I have a new assignment for you.

Oh, yes, my captain?

Uh, Dr. Strangepork, do you mind?

Oh, of course. See you later, Link.

Bon voyage, Miss Piggy.

Weird exit line.

Uh, First Mate Piggy,

I need your help.

Yes! A real assignment. Yes, yes!

We're losing altitude. And we must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.

Oh, and... and you want me to help you decide what?

No.

Oh?

We've already decided what.

What?

[Gulps]

Are you out of your mind?!

No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy.

No hard feelings! Why you... Aah!

Au revoir, fatso.

Fatso this. Hiyah!

Tune in next week and see the replacement for...Pigs In Space!

Here is a Muppet news flash. A charter flight carrying the London Symphony Orchestra has been forced to jettison some of the musical instruments. The...

Well, Uncle J.P., sir, I think you'll find that things around your theater are just the same as last time you came.

That bad, huh? Well, I'll just have a look around. I believe in giving the frog a fair trial before I throw him out.

But, sir, uh...

Hey, Kermit?

Hmm?

I think you should know my Uncle J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is making another inspection. Oh, not J.P. I don't think I can take it. Of all the people I can't stand to have while we do the show, J.P. Is the worst! I mean, J.P. Is without a doubt the most difficult, impossible unfriendly...

Uh, uh, oh...

Oh, hi, Jaye P.

Jaye P.!

Uh, when I said J.P., just now, I didn't mean Jaye P., I meant J.P.

You know what I mean?

No.

Uh, right.

Wrong.

Oh, you see, I love having you on the show, but J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is the meanest, stingiest, most heartless person I know.

I hope you mean that as a compliment, frog.

I think I just put both feet in my mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, today I talk to you of crime. A matter of utmost urgency. We must all be forever on our guard against this rising wave of banditry. Yes, yes, banditry and skullduggery... or our entire universe is in danger of being stolen from under us. My friends... My friends, I... I caution you to keep out an eagle eye for the blackguards and rapscallions who are perpetrating this reign of latrociny. Latrociny, that means stealing. What, if it weren't for my own eternal vigilance, and... and... and... and absolute awareness of crime, I'm certain that the rising legions of sneak thieves and ne'er-do-wells, and... and snakes in the grasses would strip this theater...bare. Uh, now, remember... make watchfulness... Oh! Uh, your watchword. Thank you and good night.

Wait a minute! I now realize television has one major advantage over a live stage show.

Huh? What's that?

A television, you can turn off.

Hey, Kermit!

You guys better return that eagle! In about 30 days... or more.

Hey, chief?

Hmm?

What's the closing number?

A song with Jaye P. I think it's gonna be great. At least I hope, we've been a little rough on her.

It's a perfect song for Jaye P. That Old Black Magic. I only hope Jaye P. Will do it.

Uh, if the price is right, I'll do it! Always wanted to sing.

Oh, boy. Having two J.P. S around is really rough.

Glad you recognize talent, kid. Maybe I'll let you keep the theater.

Now, let's talk about the singing contract.

Well, you see, J.P.,

I'd love for you to sing and I'm sure you've got a swell singing voice,

Yeah, well.

Go introduce Jaye P. Morgan while I handle this.

Yeah, good luck, silver tongue. [scoffs]

Uh, now, um...

All right, where do I sign?

Oh, boy.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of the really super ladies of song, Miss Jaye P. Morgan, with That Old Black Magic.

[ That Old Black Magic]

We started this some time ago and it has to end someplace, so this must be the place. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan, yay!

Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Kermit, it was, oh... You know, I've been blown up, beaten up, insulted. Everything's happened to me, but I've had a great time. I mean it.

Oh, well, it tends to be like that around here.

And now, for my first song...

I'd like to dedicate this to the boys at the J.P. Grosse Collection Agency,

Give me that money Can't get enough...

See you next time on The Muppet Show!

I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us.

Besides me.