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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 218: Jaye P. Morgan.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and enters.
Scooter Jaye P. Morgan? Jaye P. Morgan, 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Morgan.
Jaye P. Oh Scooter? I have a little present for you. (she tosses him a lit bomb)
Scooter Aw, gee, thanks. Hey, this is a...
Jaye P. This is not going to be just another cute puppet show.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Jaye P. Morgan!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Let's get this turkey on the road!
Explosion. Crazy Harry blows Gonzo away.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you! And here we are again with another one of those things entitled The Muppet Show. And starting off, we are going to do the very first piece of material the Muppets ever did. No kidding. It was a little song entitled "Tweedlee Dee", and we first did it about twenty-three years ago. But tonight, we have a new and cute version of it done by our special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan! Yaaaay!
Open on Jaye P. dressed as a bird, flying in mid-air.
Jaye P.

Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee.
I'm as happy as can be.
Jimminy cricket, jimminy jack,
You make my heart go clickety-clack.
Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee.

Jaye P. "Tweedlee tweedlee dee?" What am I doing here? I mean, this is really corny. I flew eight thousand miles to be here. The plane was late, I haven't slept, and I'm dressing with a bunch of pigs. Then they put me in this bird-brained costume. Want me to be cute? The feathers smell like a skunk. Then I gotta sing.

Tweedlee dee, tweedlee dee.

Purple bird Give it back, give it back, give your love to me.
Jaye P. Huh? (sings with bird)

Tweedlee dot, tweedlee dot.

Purple bird

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme all the love you got!
Chirpy chirp chirp chirp!
Hoo-wee, you are one cute bird, Jaye P.!

Jaye P. I'm getting sick, too.
Purple bird In fact, you're one cute Jaye bird, Jaye P.! (laughs)
Jaye P. Oh, terrific. Now they're making bad jokes on my name.
Purple bird Huh. I thought it was funny.
Jaye P. This is the worst! I mean, what're you gonna ask me to do next?
Purple bird Modulate, Jaye P., modulate. Woo-hoo!
Jaye P. Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dumb.
Purple bird You're as sweet as bubble gum!
Jaye P. Going into a coma.

Mercy mercy puddin' pie…

Purple bird Say, you've got something that money can't buy!
Jaye P. (with bird)

Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dumb!

Jaye P. Dumb is right.
Jaye P. (with bird)

Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee!

Purple bird All right, here we go, head for home!
Jaye P. Home it is!
Jaye P. (with bird)

Tweedlee tweedlee tweedlee dee!

She lands in a tree.
Jaye P. Dumb.
Statler Oh, Jaye P. Morgan is terrific.
Waldorf Yep, but that number was for the birds. (chuckles)
Statler You had to do that joke, huh?
Waldorf (to viewer) One of us had to and I lost the toss. (chuckles)


The purple bird passes Kermit.
Purple bird Cheep, cheep!
Kermit OK, way to go, bird! Back to your dressing nest.
He stops Jaye P. as she passes by.
Kermit Oh, Jaye P.! Hey, that was a terrific number.
Jaye P. It was?
Kermit Oh, it really was. I just can't tell you what a thrill it is to have you on the show.
Jaye P. Ah, thank you, Kermit. Nice of you to say so. I'd like to say I'm really indifferent about being here. (disrobes)
Kermit Indifferent?
Jaye P. Yeah, well, you know what I mean.
Kermit But, w-what's wrong? That last number was terrific. It was really cute.
Jaye P. Yeah, it was cute, wasn't it? (chuckles)
Kermit Oh, it was. It was just so cute.
Jaye P. I hate cute.
Kermit Uh, we're in trouble. Uh, listen, Jaye P., uh, we're not all cute around here.
Animal Oh! Jaye P.! (she backs away from him)
Jaye P. Wait, Animal, don't do it! I, I... Cute's not the only thing I hate!
Kermit Hey, Chef, you're on! (runs after them) Animal!

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef waving a knife and a whisk. He gets the two of them tangled as he sings.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He sets them aside, and addresses the coconut on the cutting board.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de cøcönüt.
He taps it.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … øpën de cøcönüt. … de tøp, de bøttøm … (taps it with the knife) … cüt de cøcönüt …
He gives up on the knife and picks up a saw.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … såwzën de cøcönüt … (hums)
He gives up on the saw and picks up a mallet.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de cløbbër. Cløbbër de cøcönüt.
He gets ready, then gives it a light tap. He opens the coconut, and a lit bomb falls out.
Swedish Chef Öh! De bøom?
Explosion. Applause.
Statler Now, wait just a minute. That's the second time tonight they've used a bomb joke.
Waldorf hands Statler a bomb, which explodes.
Waldorf (chuckles) Three's a charm.


The Chef passes by Fozzie.
Fozzie Hey, bang-up job, Chef. Ahhhh. Hey, hey, Kermit. How's Jaye P.?
Kermit Oh, she's fine. She was a little upset because the opening number was cute, but uh, she's okay now.
Fozzie Good.
Kermit I just sent up a cake to her dressing room.
Fozzie Mmm. Wait — Kermit! Not the cake that was here on the table?
Kermit Uh, yeah. Why?
Fozzie Ohh! Crazy Harry baked it.
Upstairs, Crazy Harry sets off the detonator. Explosion.
Crazy Harry (cackles)
Jaye P. exits her smoky dressing room, coughing.
Jaye P. Hey, Kermit, can we get back to the cute part? (faints)
Kermit Uh, Jaye P., I'll be right up! Uh, Fozzie, go introduce the next number.
Fozzie (rushes away) Yes sir, yes, yes, yes.

Gonzo's act

Main stage. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Hey, uh, hey. Kermit wants me to do the next introduction. Ahem …
Statler Oh, yeah?
Waldorf Well, he's the only one who does.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Hey, hey, come on, guys. No heckling? I mean, I'm not even out here to tell jokes.
Statler Have you ever been?
They chuckle.
Fozzie Heyyyyy, you know that the bear is funny.
Waldorf You're right. In fact, I never enjoyed you more than I did last week. (Statler nods)
Fozzie Oh, th... Well, I didn't do an act last week.
Waldorf I rest my case.
They chuckle.
Statler That's very good! (laughs)
Fozzie (sigh) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Gonzo the Great with a trumpet solo, "Flight of the Bumblebee".
Statler That does it, I'm leaving. (exits)
Gonzo plays "The Flight of the Bumblebee" on a trumpet accompanied by Rowlf on the piano. A small bumblebee starts flying around and Animal chases the bumblebee with a club, injuring both Gonzo and Rowlf in the process.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Whatnot (JH) You know, the trouble with women is they always take things personally.
Woman (JH) I don't.
Switch to Zelda Rose and Droop.
Zelda Rose The trouble with men is that they're all too wishy-washy.
Droop Well, sometimes yes, and... sometimes no.
Switch to two more.
Pink lady (RH) The trouble with you is you can't take criticism.
Blue Frackle (RH) Oh, that's a low-down, rotten lie. What do you mean I can't take...
Switch to two more.
Man (FO) The trouble with you is you're conceited.
Woman (FO) I am not. Although I have every reason to be.
Switch to two more.
Woman (DG) The trouble with you is you're always sticking your nose into everybody's business.
Man (DG) Aw, what choice have I got?
Switch to two more.
Man (JH) You know, the trouble with you is you're so stubborn. You refuse to change.
POOF! Her head turns into a Green Frackle's head.
Green Frackle (JH) Wanna bet?

UK spot

Rowlf plays "English Country Garden" on the piano. Fozzie stops by and observes, then plays it in a higher octave.
Rowlf Hey. I didn't know you could play the piano.
Fozzie I didn't know it either.
Rowlf I'll join in.
Rowlf joins in.
Rowlf Very good. Here I go. (plays)
Fozzie Oh, he's good.
They play together.
Rowlf Yeah.
Fozzie Ahh...
Rowlf This is my part. (plays) … Take it.
Rowlf Very good.
Fozzie Thank you.
Rowlf Mine. (plays, then Fozzie plays) … Yeah. Together!
They play together.
Fozzie Okay. You take it now, okay? Ready, go! (Rowlf plays) Ahh...
Rowlf Come on in!
They play together.
Fozzie This is fun! Ahhhh.
Rowlf Ready?
Fozzie What?
Rowlf Modulate.
Fozzie What's that?
They modulate together.
Rowlf Yeah, you did it.
Fozzie Thank you. Whatever.
Fozzie's hat falls off. They continue playing.
Fozzie Oh, my hat. What do I do? (tosses it)
Rowlf Can you play hatless?
Fozzie What?
Rowlf I said "Can you play hatless?"
Fozzie I don't know. Who wrote it?
Rowlf Keep playing!
Fozzie Yes, sir.
They play louder and faster.
Fozzie Oh, that's how it works, huh?
Rowlf Just play.
Fozzie Yes, sir. (they accelerate their playing) Big finish.
They do the big finish.
Fozzie Watch out!
Rowlf Huh?
Fozzie goes from the high to the low notes, knocking Rowlf over. Applause.

Talk spot

Kermit Well, Jaye P., how ya doing?
Jaye P. Just terrible. (laughs) No, I mean, so far on the show, I've been attacked by Animal and two explosions have gone off next to me. I'm starting to feel like a moving target around here.
Kermit Well … well, let me explain about those explosions. You see, on this show explosions are one of our trademarks.
Jaye P. I can believe that.
Kermit Uh, in— in fact, on this show, things blow up all the time. I mean, anything can blow up.
Explosion. He explodes, then pops up behind her from the other side.
Kermit Uh, you see what I mean?
Jaye P. Wow! (chuckles) How'd you do that?
Kermit Well, it was really quite simple.
Explosion. He explodes, then shows up again.
Kermit In fact, it's rather fun.
Jaye P. (laughs) I guess you could say you got a bang out of it, huh? (laughs)
Kermit Uh, well, you could say that, but, uh, we did that joke last year.
Jaye P. Check. Uh, what else could we talk about?
Kermit Uh, how about your hat?
Jaye P. Oh, great idea. You know, explosions are one of your trademarks?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Jaye P. Well, spectacular hats are one of mine.
Kermit Ah, that one is fantastic.
Jaye P. I particularly wanted to wear this one on The Muppet Show, too.
Kermit Well, why is that?
Explosion. The hat has its own pyrotechnics.
Jaye P. (laughs) I guess you could say I blew my top? (laughs)
Kermit Yeah, well, you could say that but we did that (with Jaye P.) joke last year.
Jaye P. Mm. Figures.
Kermit Uh, well, Jaye P, I think this talk spot is about over. Shall we leave?
Jaye P. Why not?
Kermit After you.
She explodes, then he does. Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Waldorf Uh, do you suppose that means we'll never see them again?
Statler Well, we can always hope.
They chuckle.

"Big Noise from Winnetka"

Floyd (scats) Two, three, four.
Floyd and Nigel team up to perform "Big Noise from Winnetka." Floyd trades in his trademark Sergeant Pepper jacket for a white suit and his bass guitar for a bass violin. Nigel, in a rare performance, displays a talent for whistling.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the fatuous Captain Link Hogthrob … the recalcitrant first mate, Miss Piggy … and the describable Dr. Strangepork. When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was in serious danger as it plummeted towards Earth at an alarming rate.
Link Hogthrob Uh, Dr. Strangepork, why are we plummeting toward Earth at an alarming rate?
Dr. Julius Strangepork We've lost the #3 engine.
Link Hogthrob Well, how long will it take to fix it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork We can't. It's really lost, it fell off.
Link Hogthrob (frets) Uh! Uh, uh … is there anything we can do?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yes, we can maintain our present altitude if we lighten the weight of the rocket ship.
Link Hogthrob How much weight will we have to toss overboard?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Um... one pig. Yeah, that should do it.
Link Hogthrob Rather drastic, isn't it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, I wasn't thinking of you, Link. You're the captain.
Link Hogthrob (relieved) Well, then perhaps it isn't so drastic.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, I would volunteer myself, except that I'm the only one who knows how all this technical shtuff works.
Link Hogthrob That's very true. Well, if it isn't you, or me...
Enter Piggy. She sits down, exhausted. Link and Strangepork look at each other.
Miss Piggy (sigh) Well, I just finished doing the laundry.
Link Hogthrob Oh. Well, thank you, First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy But I'm telling you right now, that is the last laundry this pig is doing!
Dr. Julius Strangepork You can say that again. (nods)
Link Hogthrob Uh, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Link Hogthrob I have a new assignment for you.
Miss Piggy Oh, yes, my capitan?
Link Hogthrob Ahem. Uh, Dr. Strangepork, do you mind?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, of course. See you later, Link. Bon voyage, Miss Piggy. (leaves)
Miss Piggy Weird exit line.
Link Hogthrob Uh, First Mate Piggy, I need your help.
Miss Piggy Yes! A real assignment. Yes, yes!
Link Hogthrob We are losing altitude…
Miss Piggy (gasp)
Link Hogthrob …and we must lighten the weight of the rocket by throwing something overboard.
Miss Piggy Oh, and... and you want me to help you decide what?
Link Hogthrob No.
Miss Piggy Oh?
Link Hogthrob We've already decided what.
Miss Piggy What?
Link Hogthrob (gulps)
Pause. It sinks in with Piggy.
Link Hogthrob (nervous) No hard feelings, I hope, Miss Piggy.
He ejects her before she can karate-chop him. When he closes the ejector door, she pops up behind him.
Link Hogthrob Au revoir, fatso!
She taps him on the shoulder.
Miss Piggy FATSO THIS!! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him, then stomps on him.
Announcer Tune in next week and see the replacement for… PIGS… IN… SPACE!

Muppet newsflash

Newsman (runs to the desk) Here is a Muppet news flash. A charter flight carrying the London Symphony Orchestra has been forced to jettison some of the musical instruments. The...
A piano falls on him.


Scooter talks to his uncle.
Scooter Uh, well, Uncle J.P., sir, I think you'll find that things around your theater here are just the same as they were last time you came.
J.P. Grosse That bad, huh? Well, I'll just have a look around. I believe in giving the frog a fair trial before I throw him out. (walks away)
Scooter But, sir, uh... Oh. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter I think you should know my uncle, J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is making another inspection.
Kermit Oh, not J.P. I don't think I can take it.
Jaye P. overhears him from upstairs.
Kermit Of all the people I can't stand to have around here when we're doing the show, J.P. is the worst!
Jaye P. stands behind Kermit.
Kermit I mean, J.P. is without a doubt the most difficult, impossible unfriendly...
Scooter Uh, uh, oh... (turns him around and flees)
Kermit Oh, hi, Jaye P. — Jaye P.! — Uh, when I said J.P., just now, I didn't mean Jaye P., Jaye P., I meant "J.P." J.P. You know what I mean?
Jaye P. No.
Kermit Uh, right.
Jaye P. Wrong.
Kermit Oh, you see, I love having you on the show, but J.P. Grosse, the man who owns this theater, is the meanest, stingiest, most heartless person I know.
J.P. Grosse (standing behind him) Ahem! I hope you mean that as a compliment, frog.
Jaye P. and J.P. gang up on him.
Kermit I think I just put both feet in my mouth.
Jaye P. and J.P. nod.


Sam takes the podium as his fanfare plays.
Sam the Eagle Ladies and gentlemen, today I talk to you of crime.
Three burglars pop up behind him.
Sam the Eagle A matter of utmost urgency. We must all be forever on our guard against this rising wave of banditry.
The burglars begin stealing various items, such as a TV monitor, a painting, and a safe.
Sam the Eagle Yes, yes, banditry and skullduggery... or our entire universe is in danger of being stolen from under us. My friends... My friends, I... I caution you to keep out an eagle eye for the blackguards and rapscallions who are perpetrating this reign of latrociny.
The burglars steal his emblem banner and the pillars.
Sam the Eagle Latrociny, that means stealing. What, if it weren't for my own eternal vigilance, and... and... and... and absolute awareness of crime, I'm certain that the rising legions of sneak thieves and ne'er-do-wells, and... and snakes in the grasses …
A burglar taps him on the shoulder.
Sam the Eagle … would strip this theater... bare.
As he looks behind him, the burglars steal his podium. He turns around and notices it missing.
Sam the Eagle Uh, now, remember... make watchfulness... Oh! (the burglars carry him away) … uh, your watchword. Thank you and good night! Wait a minute!
Statler I now realize television has one major advantage over a live stage show.
Waldorf Huh? What's that?
Statler A television, you can turn off.
They chuckle.


The burglars pass Kermit, carrying Sam.
Sam the Eagle Kermit!
Kermit Hey, you guys better return that eagle! In about 30 days... or more.
Scooter Hey, chief?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter What's the closing number?
Kermit Oh, it's a song with Jaye P. Morgan. I think it's gonna be great. At least I hope so, because we've been a little rough on her. It's a perfect song for Jaye P., "That Old Black Magic". I only hope Jaye P. Will do it.
J.P. Grosse Uh, if the price is right, I'll do it! Always wanted to sing.
Kermit Hoo boy. Having two J.P.'s around is really rough.
J.P. Grosse Glad you recognize talent, kid. Maybe I'll let you keep the theater.
Kermit (stammers)
J.P. Grosse Now, let's talk about the singing contract.
Kermit Well — well — well, you see, J.P., I'd really love for you to sing and I'm sure you've got a swell singing voice …
J.P. Grosse Ha ha, yeah, well …
Kermit Hey, Scooter, go introduce Jaye P. Morgan while I handle this.
Scooter Yeah, good luck, silver tongue. Hoy! (walks onstage)
Kermit Uh, now, um...
J.P. Grosse All right, where do I sign?
Kermit Well, uh … hoo boy.

"That Old Black Magic"

Main stage. Scooter enters to applause.
Scooter Ladies and gentlemen, here is one of the really super ladies of song, Miss Jaye P. Morgan, with "That Old Black Magic".
Jaye P. Morgan sings "That Old Black Magic" with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.


Kermit Well, we started this some time ago and it has to end someplace, so this must be the place. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Jaye P. Morgan! YAAAYY!
Jaye P. Oh! Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Kermit, it was, oh... You know, I've been blown up, beaten up, insulted. Everything's happened to me, but I've had a great time. I mean it.
Kermit Oh, well, it tends to be like that around here.
J.P. Grosse And now, for my first song...
Kermit (stammers)
J.P. Grosse I'd like to dedicate this to the boys down at the J.P. Grosse Collection Agency. Now … (sings) Give me that money, can't get enough, just keep sendin' that greenback stuff!
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
J.P. Grosse Money! Just keep it comin' …
He keeps singing as the credits roll.
Statler I wonder if anybody watches this show besides us. (he notices Waldorf sleeping) Besides me.