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Meanwhile, Peter is in his dressing room, wearing a wig, an opera helmet, a girdle and a boxing glove, practicing a monologue.
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Peter
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(falsetto voice) Tell John Brown we are ready to receive him.
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Kermit
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Peter, uh, what is this?
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Peter
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(thespian voice) It was to have been, my dear Kermit, it was to have been a grand impersonation of her late Majesty, Queen Victoria, whilst on vacation at Bognor Regis, in the year 1888.
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Kermit
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But, but, uh, what went wrong?
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Peter
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I couldn't remember what she looked like. (he sits)
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Kermit
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Uh, you know, I just love all your wild characters, Peter. But, you know, backstage here, you can just relax and be yourself.
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Peter
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Mmm, mmm, but that, you see, my dear Kermit, would be altogether impossible. I could never be myself.
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Kermit
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Never yourself?
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Peter
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No. You see … there is no me. I do not exist.
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Kermit
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I, I beg your pardon?
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Peter looks around, making sure the coast is clear.
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Kermit
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Yes?
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Peter
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There used to be a me.
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Kermit
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Mm-hmm.
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Peter
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But, I had it surgically removed.
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Kermit
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Uh, can we uh, change the subject?
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Peter
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Oh, certainly, certainly. Um... as a matter of fact, you might just be interested in a new act I have recently perfected. Um...
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Kermit
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Well, what is it?
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Peter
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Well, it's original, it's original.
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Kermit
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Yeah?
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Peter
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I, um, recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third, whilst, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens.
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Kermit
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So, you recite the soliloquy from Shakespeare's Richard the Third, whilst, and at the same time, playing tuned chickens?
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Peter
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You have it, my dear, Kermit. You have it. Tuned chickens, mmm, once more into the bridge.
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Two chickens appear in his arms, and he "plays" them.
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Peter
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And now, is the winter of our discontent... made glorious summer... by this sun of York. And all the clouds... that lour'd upon our house... in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.
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He squeezes a "shave and a haircut" out of the chickens, then gives them some feed. Applause.
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Peter
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Thank you.
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Kermit
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Uh, well, Peter, that … that is really… that is uh, that …
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Peter
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They did fine. I enjoy a good ticking.
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Kermit
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That act is really wonderful. Uh, but you can't do that on our show.
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Peter
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Why ever not?
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Kermit
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Well, because Gonzo just did it last month.
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Gonzo
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And it died, Peter. It was terrible. I mean, they've got no taste around here.
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Peter
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Ooh, but you're absolutely right, my dear Gonzo. They have no taste at all.
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POP! Gonzo disappears.
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Peter
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Where did he go?
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Kermit
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Well, Peter, you know, that's been happening all day around here. I don't know why. But, if people or objects just suddenly appear or disappear, try to ignore them.
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POP! A bomb with a lit fuse appears on the table.
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Kermit
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Uh, cancel that last remark! Run!
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Peter
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I have a pressing appointment!
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POP! Peter disappears.
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Kermit
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Oh, thank goodness he got away in time.
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BOOM! The bomb explodes, rattling Kermit.
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Kermit
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Uh, unlike some people around here. (faints)
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