Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest tonight is one of the truly great international singing stars, Miss Petula Clark. But first we... (the moose emerges) What is this, a moose?
Moose
I was supposed to be a buffalo.
Kermit
Uh, just — just leave, okay?
Moose
All right. I'll be backstage reading the moosepaper.
Kermit
(shoos him) Would you get off that stage? Off, off, off! Oops!
Fozzie, Link, Robin, Gonzo and Scooter sail in a rowboat and sing as Fozzie rows.
All
Our ship is leaving Portsmouth Town. Her name's the Good Ship Nancy Brown. Yo-ho!
Link Hogthrob
Jib the boom!
Scooter
Poop the deck!
Fozzie
Rattle the hatch!
Gonzo
Main the sail!
Robin
Pepper the mints!
All
Anchors aweigh in the morn!
Link Hogthrob
Well done, me hearties!
Scooter
Aye aye, cap'n, sir!
Fozzie
Oh, I'm tired already. Huh.
All
Oh, we'll be sailing with the tide. We've said farewell to our girls and brides. Yo-ho!
Link Hogthrob
Rig the ratch!
Scooter
Hoist the hitch!
Fozzie
Bury the hatchet!
Gonzo
Poop the deck!
Robin
Beat the breeze!
All
Thar she blows in the morn!
Tempo change.
Link Hogthrob
And soon we'll be out on the ocean foam. So let's heave-ho with a will.
Others
Heave-ho!
Scooter
When come jolly tars, let's sing while we can…
Robin
For soon we'll all be deathly ill.
Link Hogthrob
Sing yo-ho!
Others
Sing yo-ho!
Scooter
Sing ho-hi!
Others
Sing ho-hi!
Fozzie
Sing hee-hee!
Others
Sing hee-hee!
Link Hogthrob
Yo-ho!
Others
Yo-ho!
Scooter
Ho-hi!
Others
Ho-hi!
Fozzie
Hee-hee!
Others
Hee-hee!
Gonzo
Ho-ho!
Others
Ho-ho!
Robin
Hoo-ha!
All
Hoo-ha! Ho-ho, ha-ha … (laughing)
Tempo change.
All
For there's nothing like the life of a sailor, Sailing on the briny foam.
Scooter
With a good stout ship beneath your feet …
Fozzie
And a good stout wife at home! Aaaahhh.
All
Oh, there's nothing, nothing, nothing like a sailor's life. The sailor's life is grand.
Okay, nicely sung, guys. Badly sailed, but nicely sung.
Link Hogthrob
Uh, haven't you men heard the old saying, "Women and captains first"?
They walk away.
Kermit
Yeah, okay. Let's see. Pet' Clark is standing by, so...
Moose
Hiya, frog.
Kermit
Yes, hello again, moose.
Moose
Do you mind if I hang out backstage here awhile?
Kermit
Well, I've got every other kind of animal. Why not a moose?
Moose
(nods) You got true grit, frog.
Kermit
Uh, yeah. Uh, by the way, what is your name?
Moose
Mickey.
Kermit
How about that? Mickey Moose. (does a take) Mickey Moose?!
Moose
(laughs)
Kermit
Will you get out of my backstage? … Mickey Moose. Dumb name.
"The Boy from Ipanema"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Uh, okay, uh, anyhow, now here she is, our very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark.
Petula sings "The Boy from Ipanema" as one of Bossmen dances by the shore.
Petula
Bossa nova.
Bossman
Hi, Petula.
They dance.
Petula
We're doing the samba.
Bossman
I'm trying to samba.
They dance.
Petula
Oh, boy.
Bossman
Yeah.
Petula repeats the bridge and final verse. The Bossman gives her a drink and makes a large smile.
Petula
Aww.
Applause.
Waldorf
Well, that song brings back memories.
Statler
What memories?
Waldorf
I forgot.
Chicken western[]
The chickens star in a Western drama. At a saloon (bartended by Gonzo), the Black Rooster arrives to cause trouble for sheriff T.R. the Rooster. They engage in a gun duel, but T.R. runs out quickly. The Black Rooster fires one final shot, which ricochets around the saloon before knocking him out with a lamp. The sheriff and his hen ride off into the sunset on a cow.
Backstage[]
The chickens pass by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay. Good going, guys. I didn't understand it, but I loved it.
Petula
Hello, Kermit.
Kermit
Oh, hi there, Pet.
Petula
I hear you're not too happy tonight.
Kermit
Oh — well, where'd you get that idea?
Petula
Well, I gather you're not thrilled about the moose, Mickey.
Kermit
Oh, oh, oh, the moose? Oh, listen, that — that's silly. I'm not bothered by that at all.
Petula
Really?
Kermit
No.
Petula
Oh, terrific.
She puts on an antler cap.
Petula
Hit it, guys.
Dr. Teeth, Scooter, Zoot, Fozzie and Rowlf all have antler caps as well. They all sing.
Petula & Muppets
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-O…
Kermit
Will you guys cut that out! (scowls)
Petula & Muppets
(laughing)
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
Woodpecker
I'd like to take you home to mother.
Pink bird
Really, Harold?
Woodpecker
Yeah, maybe she could teach you how to dance.
Janice dances with Dr. Teeth, whose arms are extra long.
Janice
Oh, wow. I rully like being in your arms.
Dr. Teeth
Yeah, me too.
Man (DG)
Why is your mother trying to keep us apart?
Woman (LG)
I don't know. I'll ask her. Mother, why are you trying to keep us apart?
She's in the middle of them, that's why. Meanwhile, Droop dances with a Merdlidop.
Merdlidop
I think my nose is too large.
Droop
Oh, Phyllis, you're blowing it all out of proportion.
Her balloon-nose inflates and pops.
Merdlidop
Merdlidop.
Droop
Ooop.
UK spot[]
Kermit
Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us watches, chocolate and silliness. Uh, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.
Open on a Swiss mountain cottage. Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Mousey, a goat, some dogs and a pig sing "Upidee".
"Too Shy to Say"[]
Petula encounters Rowlf playing the piano.
Petula
Yeah, it's beautiful. You really can play that piano, Rowlf. What's your secret?
Rowlf
Oh, no secret. I just practice a lot.
Petula
Uh-huh.
He messes up.
Rowlf
Well, so much for the "practice makes perfect" theory.
She fishes a fish out of the piano.
Petula
And what is this doing in there?
Rowlf
That's the piano tuna! (chuckles) It should be okay now. (he plays a scale) Hey, nice job, fish. I'll pay you tomorrow.
Petula
I don't believe it. You pay a fish?
Rowlf
Yeah, but not much. He works for scale. (chuckles)
Petula
I think we'd better do our number, Rowlf.
She sings "Too Shy to Say" as Rowlf plays.
Statler
That Petula Clark sure can carry a tune.
Waldorf
Ehh, she's gotta do better than that tonight. She's gotta carry the whole show.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Kermit strolls backstage, humming. He runs into the moose.
Moose
Hi.
Kermit
Uh, hello, yourself.
Moose
Remember me? Mickey Moose?
Kermit
How can I forget? (frowns)
Moose
You don't have to get touchy about it.
Duck
Excuse me. Perchance have you seen a Mickey Moose around?
Kermit
Uh, who wants to know?
Duck
Uh, Ronald. Ronald Duck.
Moose
(laughs)
Kermit
Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose? Would you guys get out of here? (shoos them out the door) Come on, out!
Duck
'Tis a far far better moose and duck you find before you…
Kermit
GET OUT!!
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Piggy plays with electrical prongs, then takes her place at the table.
Announcer
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
An old blue Whatnot lies on the table.
Rowlf
Hey, nurse, how's this next patient?
Janice
Not groovy, Dr. Bob. You better hurry, though. He's slipping fast.
Rowlf
Oh, maybe he's got slipping sickness.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy
No, no, he must have something else.
Rowlf
He better have. Money, for one thing.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy
You mean, you won't operate till you're paid?
Rowlf
Right. I don't make a cut till I take my cut.
They all laugh.
Janice
Righteous, Dr. Bob — (gasp!) Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking fast.
Rowlf
He is sinking. I don't understand it.
Miss Piggy
Quick, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf
Quick what?
Miss Piggy
Quicksand.
They all laugh.
Rowlf
I don't understand that either. (looks into the sinkhole)
Rowlf
Hey, I can't see a thing down here. Hand me a hypodermic needle.
Janice
What for?
Rowlf
Just a shot in the dark.
They all laugh. He looks deeper into the sinkhole, and falls down. Piggy peeks inside.
Rowlf
Oh! Whoa!
Miss Piggy
Dr. Bob! Are you all right?
Janice
Is he all right?
Piggy falls down the sinkhole, screaming.
Janice
Oh, Miss Piggy!
Janice looks down the sinkhole and also falls.
Janice
Oh, wow. Oh! Oh, wow! What a downer.
Announcer
So, once again we come to the end of Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf
At least I won't have to declare this on my income tax.
Miss Piggy
Why not?
Rowlf
I got paid under the table. (they all laugh)
Janice
. Righteous. Righteous, Dr. Bob. Righteous.
Statler
Oh, I wish they had done that differently.
Waldorf
How would you want them to do it?
Statler
Better.
They chuckle.
The Swedish Chef[]
Open on the Chef, dancing with stalks of cilantro, which he tosses. He picks up a loaf of bread.
Swedish Chef
(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the loaf.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte møüsse. (mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte …
He drizzles it into a bowl.
Swedish Chef
Yüm yüm yüm, de chøcølåte ... (stirs it) gøød, gøød chøcølåte. Ünd nøw, de møüsse.
He leads the moose into the kitchen.
Swedish Chef
Møüsse, møüsse. Cøme hëre, de møüsse! (pets it) … de chøcølåte øn de møüsse.
He spreads it on the moose's snout, humming. Kermit rushes onstage.
Kermit
Wait a minute, wait a minute! You cannot... Stop. Curtain. Cut!
Dressing room[]
Petula, bare-shouldered, swallows a mouthful and puts her cup down when Scooter enters.
Scooter
Hey, Petula?
Petula
Yes?
Scooter
Have you seen the set for your closing number?
Petula
No, Scooter, I haven't. What's it like?
Scooter
Oh, it's sensational.
Petula
Yeah?
Scooter
Yeah. It's a fountain, with real water!
Petula
Wow.
Scooter
Yeah, and it's fifteen feet high. And it's made of real glass.
Petula
Glass?
Scooter
Yeah. It's the prettiest thing...
Kermit
(offscreen) Hey, would you get that moose out of here? Oh — look out!
They overhear glass shattering. Petula facepalms.
Scooter
Cancel the fountain.
Exit Scooter. Enter Kermit.
Kermit
Um, um, Miss Clark, there's been a little bit of trouble.
Petula
Yes, I know. Well, look, it doesn't matter. Look — we can do without the fountain anyway. Those flowers — that lovely big spray of flowers, that'll be perfect.
Kermit
Oh. Well, about those flowers...
Petula
Yes?
Kermit
… uh, the moose ate them.
Music swells up.
Petula
Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. We don't really need that fancy decor. It's the kind of song that will work anywhere. Believe me. It'll be okay.
Kermit
It will. Really?
She sings "Tomorrow". The other Muppets join her.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay, well, that's just about the end of the show. But befooore we go, let us have a warm thank you for our special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark! YAAAYY!
Applause.
Petula
Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. I had a fabulous time, Kermit.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Petula
Mm. I loved all the acts. I think the Muppets are fabulous and I'm … I'm crazy about the moose.
Moose
Now, that's my kind of woman.
She gives him a kiss.
Kermit
Okay, we'll see you next time on The Mickey— uh, The Muppet Show!