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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 222: Teresa Brewer.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter peers in.
Scooter Teresa Brewer! Thirteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer. Everything all right?
Teresa Actually, I could use a hand.
Scooter You want a hand, you got it!
A giant blue hand appears behind her. She giggles.
Scooter Anything else?
She playfully shoves him.
222 cold open.jpg


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler's seat is being occupied by Blue Frackle.
222 s and w and frackle.jpg
Statler Can I see your ticket stub?
222 trumpet.jpg
Flames shoot out of Gonzo's trumpet.
Gonzo Sorry. Sorry!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where anything can happen. Unfortunately. Uh, but on the bright side, our special guest star tonight is one of the great names in popular music. And here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!
Cotton Fields.JPG
Teresa sings "Cotton Fields" backed by Janice, Zoot, Floyd Pepper and Trumpet Girl. Fozzie Bear drives the river boat and rings the bell.
Statler Hmm. I can remember when cotton was king.
Waldorf You can remember when Arthur was king.


The Muppets pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay. You guys really baled out that number. (chuckles) Very nice.
Scooter Hey, Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter Have you decided what you're gonna do about Miss Piggy's big ballet number next week?
Kermit Yeah β€” Scooter, I'm afraid we're gonna have to cut it.
Piggy, unnoticed, overhears them from the balcony. She gasps.
Scooter But why?
222 kermit scooter.jpg
Kermit Well, have you seen Miss Piggy recently? I mean, she's getting a little bulgy. You know, the pork no longer fits in the barrel.
Scooter Hmm. Yeah, her wiggles are beginning to waddle a little. (exits)
Kermit (chuckles) Yeah, that's the way the old pork rolls.
Piggy slams the door to get Kermit's attention.
Miss Piggy Um... Hello, Kermie.
Kermit Hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Um... oh! I have a wonderful announcement to make.
Kermit Hmm?
Miss Piggy I know it sounds silly, but I am going on a diet.
Kermit A diet? What a wonderful idea.
Miss Piggy Yes.
Kermit Uh, how much weight do you plan to lose?
Miss Piggy Oh, well, I β€” I don't know. Maybe five...
Kermit Mm.
Miss Piggy Ten! Ten...
Kermit Yeah.
Miss Piggy Fifteen.
Kermit Do I hear 20?
Miss Piggy Twenty pounds.
Kermit Sold.
Miss Piggy For my, uh, new ballet number! (slams door)
Kermit Gee, do you think she overheard?

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob … the flappable first mate, Miss Piggy … and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork. As we left our heroes last time, Captain Hogthrob had just discovered the awful truth.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yes, Captain. Our oxygen is almost gone, fuel supplies are down to nothing, and the water is all used up.
222 pigs in space.jpg
Miss Piggy Oh, Captain, my captain. What shall we do?
Link Hogthrob Egad, we're out of water, fuel and oxygen. What could be worse?
The door opens.
Pig (DG) Captain, we're out of swill!
Link and Strangepork gasp.
Link Hogthrob Out of swill?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, not swill! (sobs)
Miss Piggy Wait a minute. I thought this was a serious science fiction story.
Link Hogthrob Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship. We can't survive without swill.
Dr. Julius Strangepork What do you suggest, Captain?
Link Hogthrob Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill.
Miss Piggy Me? I'm the first mate. I'm supposed to give orders.
Link Hogthrob Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (giggles) And one side of coleslaw! (laughs)
Miss Piggy Besides, I am a gourmet cook.
Link Hogthrob Good. Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (laughs)
Miss Piggy All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch! You hear me?
Link Hogthrob Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek. We're lost in endless space.
Miss Piggy This is a cheap shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it.
Scooter Hi.
Link gasps at the sight of Scooter.
Scooter Hey, you guys. Kermit says get on with the sketch, OK?
A red light blinks and an alarm sounds.
Link Hogthrob Red alert! Emergency!
Dr. Julius Strangepork A hideous space creature has boarded the ship!
Scooter Where? Where?
Link Hogthrob A hideous space creature from outer space! We are doomed! (starts strangling Scooter)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Not without a fight, we're not.
Scooter I'm β€” I'm not a space creature!
Link Hogthrob Grab him, doctor!
Piggy shrugs and walks away.
Announcer Tune in next time for the beginning of PIGS… IN… SPACE!

"Wild Thing"

Animal, at his drum kit, sings a frantic "Wild Thing" until Janice and a pig come with nets and drag him away to a sanitarium.
Waldorf I wonder where they took him.
Statler Wherever it is, I bet it's more fun than here.
Waldorf (chuckles)

Gonzo's stunt

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death defying intellectualism never seen before β€” ahem β€” uh, the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare, while suspended by his nose from a feather boa nine feet in the air? Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
222 gonzo's stunt.jpg
The curtain opens on Gonzo, hanging by his nose.
Gonzo The Merchant of Venice, Act one, scene one. Antonio speaks. In sooth, I know not why I am so sad. It wearies me, you say… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahchoo!
He sneezes and falls down. The audience boos.

Dressing room

Piggy enters.
Miss Piggy Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Brewer? Uh, I was wondering if I could ask your advice. You know, ahem, woman to woman.
Teresa Why, sure, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Well, I have this friend who is absolutely devastating. Except she has an itty bitty weight problem.
Teresa What makes you think I know anything about being fat?
Miss Piggy Oh, Miss Brewer, I've always known that you were one of us skinny people. I thought that maybe you might have heard something from one of your β€” fat friends.
Teresa Well, maybe I can help.
Miss Piggy Oh.
Teresa I was about to have some lunch. Would you care to join me?
222 diet.jpg
Piggy gasps as Teresa displays an ice cream sundae and a frosted cake.
Miss Piggy (sigh) … perhaps a nibble. Ahem.
Teresa You know, it's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a diet. They're such bores.
Miss Piggy Yes, yes.
Teresa You know, all they ever talk about is calories and exercise and lettuce leaves.
Miss Piggy (grunts)
Teresa Well, let's eat.
Miss Piggy Now you're talking.
A knock on the door.
Teresa Come in.
Kermit Oh, Miss Brewer. Listen, I - I thought that number was so great, that "Cotton Fields" thing. It was just beautiful.
Teresa Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit Uh, Piggy?
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Kermit Uh, you're β€” you're supposed to be on a diet. Uh … you weren't thinking of doing anything with that, uh, cake there, were you, fat stuff? (chuckles)
Miss Piggy Not until now.
222 frosted frog.jpg
She shoves Kermit's face into the cake and exits.
Teresa (laughs) How about that? Frosted frog.
Miss Piggy (slams door) Hi-YAH!

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Lady (JN) I lost 180 pounds of ugly fat in just one week.
Gentleman (JN) Oh? How'd you do that?
Lady (JN) I divorced my husband. (laughs)
Switch to another couple.
Whatnot (JH) I went on a new diet last week. I eat nothing but carrots three times a day.
Lady (LG) Oh! How's it working?
Whatnot (JH) Fine. (laughs)
222 at the dance.jpg
His hat pops off, revealing rabbit ears. Switch to a pig couple.
Hoggy (RH) Well, as far as I'm concerned, being fat's all in your head.
Pig (RH) I don't think it's all in your head.
Switch to another couple.
Lady (DG) And then she had the nerve to tell me that I was overweight. Can you believe that? Overweight? Isn't that the most absurd thing you ever β€”
CRACK! They fall through the floor. Other couples fall through the same hole after them.

UK spot

Dr. Teeth Here's a little number now that we dedicate to my favorite food. And we call it "Cheese Cake". One and two and...
He performs "Cheese Cake" with a cheesecake and some Muppet monsters. At the end of the song, the monsters try to eat the cheesecake, but it escapes.
Monsters Cheesecake. Mm. Oh, cheesecake!
Cheesecake I'm getting out of here while the getting's good.
Piggy follows it.

Dressing room

Kermit and Teresa browse through an autograph book.
Kermit Y'know, this is really amazing, Teresa. You got the autograph of every big star in show business in that book.
Teresa Well, it's a hobby of mine. I started when I was just a kid.
Kermit Is that right?
Teresa I always get all the autographs of all the people I work with.
Kermit Oh, look at that. There's Bing Crosby. You've got Bob Hope. And Louis Armstrong.
He sees a page with a burnt hole in it.
Kermit Hey, wait β€” wait a second. Whose β€” whose autograph is that?
Teresa Crazy Harry.
Kermit (chuckles)
222 crazy harry.jpg
Crazy Harry (cackles) Want another one?
Teresa No, it's all right. (Crazy Harry leaves)
Kermit Hey, I didn't, uh, know you were getting autographs of, uh, us Muppets.
Teresa Of course. I think I've got just about all of the Muppets' autographs.
Kermit Well, you β€” well, you haven't gotten all of them.
Teresa You know, you're right. I'm missing the most important one.
Kermit Well, ahem β€” well, um... Gee.
Teresa You know, the collection would be worthless without it.
Kermit Yeah, well, I, uh, ahem, I don't know what to say.
Teresa Well, just tell me how to get Animal's autograph.
Kermit Animal?
Animal rushes in and tackles her.
Animal Autograph!
222 animal autograph.jpg
He leaves a mark on her forehead.
Teresa (Animal voice) I love it! (giggles)

Muppet Labs

Open on Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And it's breakthrough time here at the labs again. Well, here it is, the all new Muppets electric nose warmer. … Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold, nippy day and gotten your nose cold? Wouldn't it be nice, you thought to yourself, if I

could warm it electrically? Well, now you can, as my assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate.

Beaker comes in, shivering, begging Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Come on in here, Beaker. We're just going to slip... Come on over here. We're just going to slip this on your nose, alright?
222 labs.jpg
He fastens the coil on Beaker's nose.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew There you go. All the way up. There. And now with the nose warmer in place, we have only to turn on the electricity.
He turns it on. Beaker starts heating up and smoking.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And there's Beaker with a nice toasty warm nose. You really should stop smoking, Beaker. It's very bad for your health.
Beaker grips Bunsen's hand, electrocuting him. Applause.
Statler Yeah, that was great. Fantastic.
Waldorf Eh, didn't like it.
Statler Well, what would you know, you old fool?
Waldorf Don't call me an old fool. I'll give you the evil eye.
Statler (sarcastic) Oh, I'm scared. I'm scared!
Waldorf gives him the evil eye, scaring him stiff.
Waldorf (shrug) I warned him.

"At the Hop"

At the Hop.JPG
Scooter and some frogs sing "At the Hop". At the first chorus, the frogs start hopping away.
Frog (JN) We're going to the hop! Hop! Hop! Hop!
Scooter Hey, guys? No, finish the song, guys! Could you...? Never mind.


Piggy, dressed for Veterinarian's Hospital, muses backstage.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, I am so hungry! (sigh) It's been twenty whole minutes I've been on this diet. (sigh) Well, let's see. I hope I haven't lost too much weight.
She sees herself in the mirror.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Oh! You are ravishing! (embraces the mirror) All right, it's weigh-in time. All right, scale, give me the good news.
222 weigh in.jpg
She steps on it, and it breaks.
Miss Piggy Liar! Hi-YAH!

"Spinning Wheel"

Teresa is pushed on a swing by Sweetums.
Teresa What goes up, must come down.
Sweetums is confused when she doesn't come down. He turns his back, and she finally comes down, knocking him over.
Waldorf Eh, it's the old girl-swing-monster bit again. They tried to sneak it past us.
Statler Hmm. Shoddy. Shoddy.
The song continues.
Teresa What goes up, must come down.
Sweetums is confused when she doesn't return on the swing. She returns, tussled and dirty, and punches Sweetums in the gut.
Waldorf I think it's getting better.
Statler I think you're getting senile.
The song continues.

What goes up, must come down.
Spinning wheel, spinning around.

222 spinning wheel.jpg
Sweetums is confused when she doesn't come down. He turns his back, and she finally comes down from the other side, knocking him over. Applause.


Piggy looks around, makes sure the coast is clear, and turns on the TV set.
TV Host Well, hi there, fatties, and welcome to The Chub Club, the only TV show where we lose viewers by the ton.
He chuckles. She grimaces.
TV Host Well, chubbies, ready to lose a little lard?
222 work out.jpg
Miss Piggy Ready to lose a few tubes?
TV Host Let's start with a little exercise, shall we?
Miss Piggy All right. (follows along)
TV Host Okay, chin up, chest out, deep breath, touching toes. One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two...
Miss Piggy All right, take a hike.
TV Host Ready? Stop. Next exercise, leg lifts, okay?
Miss Piggy Yeah, okay. (lies down)
TV Host Lie down on the floor on your back, lift legs high up into the air. Ready?
Miss Piggy Yeah.
TV Host Lift. Up, down.
Miss Piggy (lifts) Oh, you've gotta be kidding!! Ahh!
TV Host Up! … Down. Up …
Miss Piggy I'm trying!
TV Host Down. Very good, Everybody on your feet.
She gets up, exhausted.
TV Host Next exercise, running in place.
Miss Piggy Yeah, okay. (follows along)
TV Host Here we go. Ready? Run! One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two... Alrighty! Can't you just feel that fat falling away?
She faints.

"Music Music Music"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, once again our very special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer.
Teresa stands on top of a jukebox. Animal inserts a coin as Floyd joins him.
Floyd Hey, now we'll really hear some music.
Animal Yeah, want music.
Floyd Put another nickel in. (Animal does so)
Animal I put nickel in. Want music.
Floyd Put another nickel in.
Animal Ahhh. (does so) I put nickel in! Want music!
Floyd Just listen, fuzzy face.
Animal Fuzzy face… (notices) … ah!
Floyd hits the jukebox. Music starts playing, and Teresa starts dancing. She sings "Music, Music, Music" as some other Muppets dance inside the jukebox.


Kermit Well, that's all the time and jokes we have left for this show. But before we go, let's have a great big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!
Teresa comes out to applause.
Teresa Thank you. Thank you. And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Aw, thank you β€” Ahhh!
The blue hand knocks him down.
Kermit I guess I deserved that.
The other Muppets gather onstage as Piggy takes command.
222 closing.jpg
Miss Piggy Okay, everybody, when the pig exercises, everybody exercises. Running in place. One, two, three... (they follow along with her)
Kermit Okay, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy (over the credits) Just keep going. One, two, three, four... Come on, keep exercising. One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one... Run in place! Get out of here, squeak! One, two, one, two...
Waldorf Well, they did it again.
Statler Yeah, whatever it was.
They chuckle.