Teresa Brewer! Thirteen seconds to curtain, Miss Brewer. Everything all right?
Teresa
Actually, I could use a hand.
Scooter
You want a hand, you got it!
A giant blue hand appears behind her. She giggles.
Scooter
Anything else?
She playfully shoves him.
Theme[]
Kermit
It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler's seat is being occupied by Blue Frackle.
Statler
Can I see your ticket stub?
Flames shoot out of Gonzo's trumpet.
Gonzo
Sorry. Sorry!
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where anything can happen. Unfortunately. Uh, but on the bright side, our special guest star tonight is one of the great names in popular music. And here she is now, Miss Teresa Brewer!
Okay. You guys really baled out that number. (chuckles) Very nice.
Scooter
Hey, Kermit?
Kermit
Hmm?
Scooter
Have you decided what you're gonna do about Miss Piggy's big ballet number next week?
Kermit
Yeah — Scooter, I'm afraid we're gonna have to cut it.
Piggy, unnoticed, overhears them from the balcony. She gasps.
Scooter
But why?
Kermit
Well, have you seen Miss Piggy recently? I mean, she's getting a little bulgy. You know, the pork no longer fits in the barrel.
Scooter
Hmm. Yeah, her wiggles are beginning to waddle a little. (exits)
Kermit
(chuckles) Yeah, that's the way the old pork rolls.
Piggy slams the door to get Kermit's attention.
Miss Piggy
Um... Hello, Kermie.
Kermit
Hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Um... oh! I have a wonderful announcement to make.
Kermit
Hmm?
Miss Piggy
I know it sounds silly, but I am going on a diet.
Kermit
A diet? What a wonderful idea.
Miss Piggy
Yes.
Kermit
Uh, how much weight do you plan to lose?
Miss Piggy
Oh, well, I — I don't know. Maybe five...
Kermit
Mm.
Miss Piggy
Ten! Ten...
Kermit
Yeah.
Miss Piggy
Fifteen.
Kermit
Do I hear 20?
Miss Piggy
Twenty pounds.
Kermit
Sold.
Miss Piggy
For my, uh, new ballet number! (slams door)
Kermit
Gee, do you think she overheard?
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob … the flappable first mate, Miss Piggy … and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork. As we left our heroes last time, Captain Hogthrob had just discovered the awful truth.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Yes, Captain. Our oxygen is almost gone, fuel supplies are down to nothing, and the water is all used up.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Captain, my captain. What shall we do?
Link Hogthrob
Egad, we're out of water, fuel and oxygen. What could be worse?
The door opens.
Pig (DG)
Captain, we're out of swill!
Link and Strangepork gasp.
Link Hogthrob
Out of swill?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, not swill! (sobs)
Miss Piggy
Wait a minute. I thought this was a serious science fiction story.
Link Hogthrob
Yes, but we've got 25 adult pigs on this spaceship. We can't survive without swill.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
What do you suggest, Captain?
Link Hogthrob
Miss Piggy, go cook us some swill.
Miss Piggy
Me? I'm the first mate. I'm supposed to give orders.
Link Hogthrob
Fine, then give us 25 orders of swill.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(giggles) And one side of coleslaw! (laughs)
Miss Piggy
Besides, I am a gourmet cook.
Link Hogthrob
Good. Then give us 25 orders of swill stroganoff.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(laughs)
Miss Piggy
All right, that does it! I refuse to continue this sketch! You hear me?
Link Hogthrob
Sketch? What sketch? This is the Swinetrek. We're lost in endless space.
Miss Piggy
This is a cheap shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote it.
Scooter
Hi.
Link gasps at the sight of Scooter.
Scooter
Hey, you guys. Kermit says get on with the sketch, OK?
A red light blinks and an alarm sounds.
Link Hogthrob
Red alert! Emergency!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
A hideous space creature has boarded the ship!
Scooter
Where? Where?
Link Hogthrob
A hideous space creature from outer space! We are doomed! (starts strangling Scooter)
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Not without a fight, we're not.
Scooter
I'm — I'm not a space creature!
Link Hogthrob
Grab him, doctor!
Piggy shrugs and walks away.
Announcer
Tune in next time for the beginning of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
"Wild Thing"[]
Animal, at his drum kit, sings a frantic "Wild Thing" until Janice and a pig come with nets and drag him away to a sanitarium.
Waldorf
I wonder where they took him.
Statler
Wherever it is, I bet it's more fun than here.
Waldorf
(chuckles)
Gonzo's stunt[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, in a major feat of death defying intellectualism never seen before — ahem — uh, the Great Gonzo will recite Shakespeare, while suspended by his nose from a feather boa nine feet in the air? Ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo!
The curtain opens on Gonzo, hanging by his nose.
Gonzo
The Merchant of Venice, Act one, scene one. Antonio speaks. In sooth, I know not why I am so sad. It wearies me, you say… Ah! Ah! Ah! Ahchoo!
He sneezes and falls down. The audience boos.
Dressing room[]
Piggy enters.
Miss Piggy
Ahem. Excuse me, Miss Brewer? Uh, I was wondering if I could ask your advice. You know, ahem, woman to woman.
Teresa
Why, sure, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Well, I have this friend who is absolutely devastating. Except she has an itty bitty weight problem.
Teresa
What makes you think I know anything about being fat?
Miss Piggy
Oh, Miss Brewer, I've always known that you were one of us skinny people. I thought that maybe you might have heard something from one of your — fat friends.
Teresa
Well, maybe I can help.
Miss Piggy
Oh.
Teresa
I was about to have some lunch. Would you care to join me?
Piggy gasps as Teresa displays an ice cream sundae and a frosted cake.
Miss Piggy
(sigh) … perhaps a nibble. Ahem.
Teresa
You know, it's such a relief to meet someone who isn't on a diet. They're such bores.
Miss Piggy
Yes, yes.
Teresa
You know, all they ever talk about is calories and exercise and lettuce leaves.
Miss Piggy
(grunts)
Teresa
Well, let's eat.
Miss Piggy
Now you're talking.
A knock on the door.
Teresa
Come in.
Kermit
Oh, Miss Brewer. Listen, I - I thought that number was so great, that "Cotton Fields" thing. It was just beautiful.
Teresa
Thank you, Kermit.
Kermit
Uh, Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Hmm?
Kermit
Uh, you're — you're supposed to be on a diet. Uh … you weren't thinking of doing anything with that, uh, cake there, were you, fat stuff? (chuckles)
Miss Piggy
Not until now.
She shoves Kermit's face into the cake and exits.
Teresa
(laughs) How about that? Frosted frog.
Miss Piggy
(slams door) Hi-YAH!
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
Lady (JN)
I lost 180 pounds of ugly fat in just one week.
Gentleman (JN)
Oh? How'd you do that?
Lady (JN)
I divorced my husband. (laughs)
Switch to another couple.
Whatnot (JH)
I went on a new diet last week. I eat nothing but carrots three times a day.
Lady (LG)
Oh! How's it working?
Whatnot (JH)
Fine. (laughs)
His hat pops off, revealing rabbit ears. Switch to a pig couple.
Hoggy (RH)
Well, as far as I'm concerned, being fat's all in your head.
Pig (RH)
I don't think it's all in your head.
Switch to another couple.
Lady (DG)
And then she had the nerve to tell me that I was overweight. Can you believe that? Overweight? Isn't that the most absurd thing you ever —
CRACK! They fall through the floor. Other couples fall through the same hole after them.
UK spot[]
Dr. Teeth
Here's a little number now that we dedicate to my favorite food. And we call it "Cheese Cake". One and two and...
He performs "Cheese Cake" with a cheesecake and some Muppet monsters. At the end of the song, the monsters try to eat the cheesecake, but it escapes.
Monsters
Cheesecake. Mm. Oh, cheesecake!
Cheesecake
I'm getting out of here while the getting's good.
Piggy follows it.
Dressing room[]
Kermit and Teresa browse through an autograph book.
Kermit
Y'know, this is really amazing, Teresa. You got the autograph of every big star in show business in that book.
Teresa
Well, it's a hobby of mine. I started when I was just a kid.
Kermit
Is that right?
Teresa
I always get all the autographs of all the people I work with.
Kermit
Oh, look at that. There's Bing Crosby. You've got Bob Hope. And Louis Armstrong.
He sees a page with a burnt hole in it.
Kermit
Hey, wait — wait a second. Whose — whose autograph is that?
Teresa
Crazy Harry.
Kermit
(chuckles)
Crazy Harry
(cackles) Want another one?
Teresa
No, it's all right. (Crazy Harry leaves)
Kermit
Hey, I didn't, uh, know you were getting autographs of, uh, us Muppets.
Teresa
Of course. I think I've got just about all of the Muppets' autographs.
Kermit
Well, you — well, you haven't gotten all of them.
Teresa
You know, you're right. I'm missing the most important one.
Kermit
Well, ahem — well, um... Gee.
Teresa
You know, the collection would be worthless without it.
Kermit
Yeah, well, I, uh, ahem, I don't know what to say.
Teresa
Well, just tell me how to get Animal's autograph.
Kermit
Animal?
Animal rushes in and tackles her.
Animal
Autograph!
He leaves a mark on her forehead.
Teresa
(Animal voice) I love it! (giggles)
Muppet Labs[]
Open on Bunsen, displaying his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Welcome again to Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And it's breakthrough time here at the labs again. Well, here it is, the all new Muppets electric nose warmer. … Yes, how many times have you been outdoors on a cold, nippy day and gotten your nose cold? Wouldn't it be nice, you thought to yourself, if I
could warm it electrically? Well, now you can, as my assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate.
Beaker comes in, shivering, begging Bunsen.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Come on in here, Beaker. We're just going to slip... Come on over here. We're just going to slip this on your nose, alright?
He fastens the coil on Beaker's nose.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
There you go. All the way up. There. And now with the nose warmer in place, we have only to turn on the electricity.
He turns it on. Beaker starts heating up and smoking.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
And there's Beaker with a nice toasty warm nose. You really should stop smoking, Beaker. It's very bad for your health.
Lie down on the floor on your back, lift legs high up into the air. Ready?
Miss Piggy
Yeah.
TV Host
Lift. Up, down.
Miss Piggy
(lifts) Oh, you've gotta be kidding!! Ahh!
TV Host
Up! … Down. Up …
Miss Piggy
I'm trying!
TV Host
Down. Very good, Everybody on your feet.
She gets up, exhausted.
TV Host
Next exercise, running in place.
Miss Piggy
Yeah, okay. (follows along)
TV Host
Here we go. Ready? Run! One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two... Alrighty! Can't you just feel that fat falling away?
She faints.
"Music Music Music"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, once again our very special guest star, Miss Teresa Brewer.
Teresa stands on top of a jukebox. Animal inserts a coin as Floyd joins him.
Floyd
Hey, now we'll really hear some music.
Animal
Yeah, want music.
Floyd
Put another nickel in. (Animal does so)
Animal
I put nickel in. Want music.
Floyd
Put another nickel in.
Animal
Ahhh. (does so) I put nickel in! Want music!
Floyd
Just listen, fuzzy face.
Animal
Fuzzy face… (notices) … ah!
Floyd hits the jukebox. Music starts playing, and Teresa starts dancing. She sings "Music, Music, Music" as some other Muppets dance inside the jukebox.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, that's all the time and jokes we have left for this show. But before we go, let's have a great big hand for Miss Teresa Brewer!
Teresa comes out to applause.
Teresa
Thank you. Thank you. And now, how about a nice big hand for Kermit the Frog?
Kermit
Aw, thank you — Ahhh!
The blue hand knocks him down.
Kermit
I guess I deserved that.
The other Muppets gather onstage as Piggy takes command.
Miss Piggy
Okay, everybody, when the pig exercises, everybody exercises. Running in place. One, two, three... (they follow along with her)
Kermit
Okay, well, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy
(over the credits) Just keep going. One, two, three, four... Come on, keep exercising. One, two, yes, yes, one, two, one... Run in place! Get out of here, squeak! One, two, one, two...