The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 223: John Cleese.
Cold open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. John Cleese! Waahh! |
The curtain opens and the theme begins. | |
Statler | Well, they'll never get this started. |
Gonzo plays his trumpet note perfectly; he looks surprised. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Hi-ho, and welcome to another Muppet Show. Hey, we're going to have a fantastic show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of the reigning geniuses behind Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mr. John Cleese! |
Applause. Fozzie enters. | |
Fozzie | Excuse me — Kermit, uh, here's a note from the stagehands up in the rafters. (exits) |
Kermit | Hmm? Uh … let's see. It says, uh, "Dear Kermit. We are sorry we dropped that heavy weight, but we hope it doesn't do any damage when it hits the floor." |
He is startled when a roped weight drops inches away from him. | |
Kermit | Um, "P.S. Actually, we dropped two weights…" |
He is startled when a second roped weight drops inches away from him. | |
Kermit | Um … hey, why don't you guys watch the opening number? I'm gonna lie down for a while. (faints) |
Lubbock Lou and His Jughuggers sing "Somebody Stole My Gal". | |
Waldorf sucks his thumb. | |
Statler | What's wrong with you? |
Waldorf | Mm. I got a sore thumb. |
Statler | Why don't you get it taken care of? |
Waldorf | It keeps my mind off the show. |
They chuckle. |
Gonzo's stunt[]
Backstage[]
Muppet newsflash[]
"Rowlf's Polka"[]
Rowlf plays "Rowlf's Polka", accompanied by a chicken. At the end of the number, the chicken clucks and rushes offstage. | |
Rowlf | Usually this bird's a great performer … (picks up an egg) … but tonight she laid an egg. (shrugs) |
Pigs in Space[]
Backstage[]
At the Dance[]
UK spot[]
Dressed as a pregnant, jilted bride, Miss Piggy takes the stage and sings. | |
Miss Piggy |
I'm in a nice bit of trouble, I must confess; |
She signals for Kermit. He enters. | |
Miss Piggy |
All at once, he sent me round a note |
Kermit |
"Can't get away to marry you today, |
Miss Piggy | Very good, Kermie. |
Kermit | Uh, thank you, but it's just a song, you know, I don't have a wife. |
Miss Piggy | Mmm-hmm. Not yet. |
Kermit | I don't intend to have one, either. |
Miss Piggy | Are you ready?! |
Kermit | Uh, yes. |
Miss Piggy | Ahem! |
They do one more chorus. Applause. | |
Kermit | Now will you take that silly pillow out from under your dress? |
Miss Piggy | (aggressively) I like it! (Kermit backs away) |