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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 224: Cloris Leachman.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in. Cloris puts on some cologne.
Scooter Cloris Leachman. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Leachman.
Cloris OK, Scooter, I'll be ready. And thank you for this lunch. I just hope he remembered that I don't eat meat of any kind.
A menagerie of Muppet animals gather around her and become affectionate.
Cloris Aw! And you'll be happy to know that I am a vegetarian.
She lifts a tray and finds some Muppet fruits and vegetables, who boo and hiss.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Cloris Leachman!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Quit while you're ahead!
Red smoke comes out of Gonzo's trumpet.
224 horn.jpg

Opening number

Kermit Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, you're gonna love tonight's show because our special guest is the star of television and films, Miss Cloris Leachman! But first, first, let's get...
A gang of pigs appear and throw a net over Kermit.
224 pigs take over.jpg
Kermit What are you guys doing?
Head pig Pigs are taking over the show!
Pigs Yeah! Takin' over!
Kermit You'll never get away with it!
Head pig Wanna bet?
They carry him offstage.
Dr. Julius Strangepork We did it! We did it! Hahaha!
Kermit the Pig Hi-ho! Kermit the Pig here. (grins, looks around) Hey, welcome to The Muppet Show. But tonight, let's open the festivities with…
Miss Piggy All right, buster, what's going on here? Where's my frog?
224 kermit pig.jpg
Kermit the Pig Oh, we — we pigs have taken over the show.
Miss Piggy Well, hoo-ha. Where's my frog, huh? What happened to him?
Kermit the Pig But Miss Piggy, you're starring in the opening number.
Miss Piggy I don't care. If you touch one flipper of my fro— (suddenly changes her tone) I'm starring in the opening number?
Kermit the Pig Of course. You're the biggest pig star we've got.
Miss Piggy We'll … talk about what's-his-name later. (dashes off)
Kermit the Pig And now, let's get the show rolling with a little pig music! Aaahhh!
224 entertainment.jpg
The pigs, including Miss Piggy, Annie Sue and Link Hogthrob, sing "That's Entertainment".
Waldorf You know, I didn't know pigs could do that.
Statler Be that talented?
Waldorf No, be that bad.
They chuckle.

Boiler room

Fozzie listens through the door as Kermit is shoved into the same room.
Pig 2 Move, move, little frog! Move! Get in there! Go on!
Fozzie Kermit, Kermit. Now, listen, you g…
They slam the door shut.
Fozzie (embraces Kermit) Oh, Kermit. Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Oh, it's been terrible. Kermit, do you know that the pigs have taken over the show?
Kermit Where are we? Is this the boiler room?
Fozzie Yes, the boiler room, yet.
Kermit Well, listen, Fozzie, don't worry. We will get out of here.
Fozzie Of course we'll get out of here, because I, the bear, have a plan.
Kermit Yeah?
Fozzie I am going to tie some sheets together, and we will slip out the window!
Kermit What window? (looks around)
Fozzie No window! (panics) Oh, Kermit! Kermit! We gotta bust outta heeere! Kermit, Kermit. There's no telling how long they could keep us here. Look. Look, look. Look.
He shows Kermit a mark on the wall.
Kermit Uh, what — what is that?
Fozzie I started a calendar. Kermit, it's necessary. Believe me! I don't know what we're gonna do!
Kermit Fozzie, Fozzie, Fozzie — do not panic. Listen, we'll use that telephone there and call for help.
Fozzie The telephone. Of course! Oh.
He picks up the receiver and hears a dial tone.
Fozzie It's working! Here, Kermit.
224 boiler room phone.jpg
He runs to Kermit, accidentally disconnecting the phone from the wall.
Kermit This... This... This may take longer than I thought.

Operetta Medley

Main stage. Kermit the Pig enters.
Kermit the Pig And now, here's our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman, in a classic piece of...
Cloris enters to applause.
Cloris Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I must stop you.
224 cloris kermit pig.jpg
Kermit the Pig What's the matter? Did I get your name wrong?
Cloris No, no, that's not it.
Kermit the Pig Uh, you don't like the dress?
Cloris Uh, no. It's OK for the number I'm doing.
Kermit the Pig You don't like the number?
Cloris No, it's OK for the dress I'm wearing.
Kermit the Pig But it's a great number. You and Sweetums'll be terrific.
Cloris No, no. No. My number with Sweetums comes at the end of the show.
Kermit the Pig Yeep! Uh, that's my mistake. Excuse me. Sweetums, Sweetums, back to the dressing room. Go on, back.
Cloris OK, cut, cut. That is not Sweetums. And you are not Kermit.
Kermit the Pig Wha — Yes, I am.
Cloris Oh, no. I've seen The Muppet Show on television many times, and you don't look anything like the Muppets that I've seen.
Kermit the Pig (stammering) Maybe it's your television set.
Cloris No, it is not the set. I mean, you're, you're green, and you've got that darling, funny, pointy collar Kermit used to wear. But you're not — you're not Kermit.
Kermit the Pig Oh, yes, I am.
Cloris All right, then. I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G.
Kermit the Pig But...
Cloris No, no, no. You are not a frog, and there's nothing you can say that will ever convince me that you are a frog. Nothing. (turns and walks away)
Kermit the Pig Ribbit.
She stops in her tracks and turns around.
Kermit the Pig Ribbit, ribbit.
Cloris (relieved) Kermit! It is you.
Kermit the Pig grins and snorts.
Cloris What?
Kermit the Pig Uh, nothing. Ribbit.
Cloris Finish the introductions, Kermit. It must be the eyes. They must be going. (walks away)
Kermit the Pig And now, once again, our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman! Aaahhhh!
224 operetta.jpg
Open on a mountain setting. Cloris sings "My Hero," soon joined by Link in a mountie outfit. They both duet "Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life" and "Serenade". Three more mountie pigs enter and sing a variant of "Stout-Hearted Men".

Boiler room

224 fozzie club.jpg
Fozzie OK, Kermit, now listen, when the pig comes in, I'll clobber him, and then we run for our lives. (he hears someone approaching) Oh, here we go.
Head pig Get in that cell!
Gonzo is shoved into the room. Fozzie hits him with the club.
Fozzie Got ya!
Gonzo Are you crazy? That really hurt.
Fozzie Oh — Gonzo, I'm sorry. I thought you were a pig.
Gonzo (to Kermit) Terrific. Terrific. First he clobbers me, then he insults me.
Kermit Hey, uh, Gonzo, what's happening with the show?
Fozzie Yeah, yeah?
Gonzo Oh, it's going great. They've got this new emcee and the audience loves him. Kermit the Pig.
Kermit Kermit the Pig?
Fozzie Easy, easy, Kermit. Don't take it so personally.
Gonzo And the new comedian? Fozzie the Pig? Boy, is he funny!
Fozzie We gotta get outta heeeere!
Gonzo We will get out of here. Look what I smuggled in.
224 spoon.jpg
Kermit A spoon?
Gonzo Mmm-hmm.
Fozzie Gonzo, we wanna escape, not eat!
Gonzo We will escape. I'm gonna dig a tunnel with it.
He starts digging in the brick wall. Kermit and Fozzie look at each other.
Kermit Uh, I think we're gonna be here a while.

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit the Pig enters to a fanfare.
Kermit the Pig And now it's time for everybody's favorite funny pig … that great big lovable ham who's really a boar, and proud of it … (grimaces) … Mr. Fozzie Pig! Aaaahhh!
The curtain opens, and Fozzie Pig takes the stage.
Fozzie Pig Hiya, hiya, hiya! I'm really hot tonight. I guess you could say the — (looks down) fat's in the fire. Aaaaaah! Speaking of fat, my wife is so fat that when she brings home the bacon, it takes three guys to bring home the bacon! Aaaaahhhhh!
Statler Say, his new material isn't bad.
Waldorf Yes, but his new haircut is awful.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Pig But rolling right along, folks, it's really great to be here entertaining you, uh, but next year I'm going back to school. Yeah, you see, get this... You see, I still got a lot to loin. Ah, get it? Pork? Loin? Aaahhhh…
224 fozzie pig performs.jpg
Waldorf Now I know it's the haircut.
Statler (nods) Mmm.
Fozzie Pig Uh … yeah, but uh, well, I could do this all night. Uh, uh, yeah, but my sauerkraut is double-porked. Get it? Double-porked? Porked. (his fanfare plays and he exits) Hogga, hogga, hogga, hogga.
Waldorf (laughs)
Statler Sauerkraut?
Waldorf "Double-porked!"
Statler It's the worst!
Waldorf Wurst!
Statler & Waldorf The wurst! The wurst! The wurst! (they laugh)

The Swedish Pig

The Swedish Pig oinks his theme song, then tosses two spoons aside. He picks up a corn ear and points to it.
Swedish Pig (mock Swedish) … pøppå cørn. … Corn. Oink, oink, oink, oink.
He displays a blunderbuss in the other hand.
Swedish Pig Oink, oink, pøpcørn pøpper. Huh, oïnkå!
He tosses the ear into the air and fires the blunderbuss. Down comes popcorn!
Swedish Pig Pøppå cørn. Oinkå, oinkå, oinkå. Ha ha ha ha. Oink, oink.

UK Spot: Vegetarian's Hospital

Miss Piggy looks through an otoscope to examine the ring she's wearing. Once she sees she's on camera, she takes her position at the operating table.
Announcer And now, Vegetarian's Hospital, the story of a pig-headed quack who's gone hog wild.
Pig nurse Here's your next case, doctor.
Dr. Pig takes off the blanket.
Dr. Pig Wha? This is a dish of fruits and vegetables.
Miss Piggy It's all right. They have group insurance.
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig Group insurance? They'd better have grape insurance.
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig Here's a nice bunch.
The grapes laugh.
Pig nurse What's the problem here?
Miss Piggy Well, ahem, the corn has a bad ear. The potato has a bad eye. And the eggplant... (snickers)
Dr. Pig Yes?
Miss Piggy The eggplant has a bad yolk!
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig Well, that makes two of you.
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig Well, let's start with the corn.
Pig nurse You already have.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, oh, doctor, you really know your vegetables.
Dr. Pig Well, that's why they pay me a big celery.
Miss Piggy Celery!
They all laugh.
Announcer And so, once again, for the first time, we come to the close of Vegetarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Pig say...
Dr. Pig And now, lettuce operate.
Miss Piggy "Lettuce operate!"
They all laugh as Dr. Pig pokes the veggies. Fade to the newsroom.

UK Spot: Muppet Newsflash

Newspig Here is a Muppet newsflash. The eminent research scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeypig, today announced he had successfully converted a sow's ear into a silk purse. … Dr. Honeypig is now the object of a massive civil and criminal suit by the wife of a neighborhood artist, Mrs. Vincent van Gogh Pig.
He nods, puts down the paper and walks off.

Boiler room

Meanwhile, Gonzo is still digging through the wall.
Kermit How's it going, guys?
Fozzie Oh, it's terrific. Gonzo's digging and I'm going to smuggle the dirt out in my hat.
224 smuggling dirt.jpg
He puts on his hat, and dirt falls on his head.
Fozzie Or not.
Piggy enters, dressed for Pigs in Space.
Miss Piggy Kermie? Oh, Kermie, are you all right?
Kermit Uh, well, uh, uh, yes, I guess so.
Miss Piggy Kermie, I just want you to know that I have had nothing to do, whatsoever, with the taking over of this show. I have ref... No, really, I have refused to cooperate. Yes, and, Kermie?
Kermit Hm?
Miss Piggy I am going to stay here with you.
Kermit You really... Oh, that, that's very nice of you, Miss Piggy.
224 loyal piggy.jpg
Miss Piggy Kermie, my loyalty is here... with my frog.
Audience: "Awwww."
Kermit You really mean it?
Miss Piggy Mmm-hmm.
Head pig Uh, Pigs in Space on next.
A beat.
Miss Piggy You have to cancel it. I, I remain with my sweetheart, Kermie.
Kermit Oh, gee, Miss Piggy.
Head pig OK, we'll just get someone to take your place.
Miss Piggy Take my place?!
Head pig I mean, if you wanna stay here with him.
A beat.
Miss Piggy Well... (sigh) … Bye. (exits)
Kermit But …
Head pig That's showbiz, pal. (laughs)
The door slams.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the quixotic Captain Link Hogthrob, the vacuous first mate Miss Piggy, and the somnambulistic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left the Swinetrek last time, it was under attack from an alien thing.
The red emergency light blinks as an alarm sounds.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Battle stations! Battle stations!
Link Hogthrob Condition red!
Miss Piggy Man the guns!
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh! Oh!
Miss Piggy What is it, my captain? Oh no!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Are you hit, Link?
224 ketchup stain.jpg
Link Hogthrob Oh! No, I've got a spot on my uniform. Oh...
A creature appears in the window.
Miss Piggy There it is!
Link Hogthrob Here it is. Right here by my epaulet. See there? And I just had it cleaned on Tuesday.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Look. It's stopped shooting!
Link Hogthrob Oh, maybe it will sponge off.
Miss Piggy What is it?
Link Hogthrob I don't know.
Dr. Julius Strangepork I don't know, either. It appears to be... I mean, it looks like... It is! It's chopped liver!
Miss Piggy (screams)
Link Hogthrob No, I think it's ketchup.
Miss Piggy No, no, not there, lardhead. There!
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh! Oh! It is! It is! It's chopped liver! Oh, not chopped liver! Anything but chopped liver!
Dr. Julius Strangepork What's wrong with chopped liver?
Link Hogthrob It gives me gas. >hic!<
Dr. Julius Strangepork Try holding your breath and counting to five or six hundred.
Link Hogthrob >hic!< (holds his snout) One, two, three, four...
Miss Piggy No, no, you twit! Don't you understand? That is the chopped-liver monster from the galaxy Zabar.
Dr. Julius Strangepork It's hideous.
224 liver.jpg
Chopped Liver (Jewish accent) Hideous? For $1.69 a pound, you want beautiful?
Announcer Tune in again next time for another digestive episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Statler The pigs may have taken over, but there's one thing they haven't changed.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler It's still not funny.
They chuckle.

Boiler room

Kermit and Fozzie examine the hole as Gonzo digs.
Kermit How's Gonzo doing?
Fozzie Pretty good, I guess. I, I can't even see him anymore.
224 freedom.jpg
Scooter Hey, Kermit, we're free! We're free!
Kermit Really?
Fozzie What happened?
Scooter Someone next door was holding a hog-calling contest, so they all heard it and ran off!
Fozzie What a plot twist! How amazing! How unbelievable!
Kermit How convenient. I'll get on stage. You tell Gonzo.
Fozzie Yes, sir.
224 progress.jpg
Fozzie (calls into the hole) Hey, Gonzo! (aside) He's made a lot of progress with that teaspoon.

"Just in Time"

The stage is empty.
Kermit (off-stage) I'm coming!
Kermit takes the stage.
Kermit Well, things have been a little bit strange here tonight, but uh, someone we can always depend on is the wonderful Miss Cloris Leachman. We take you now to a desert island, where the coconuts and guest stars grow.
The curtain opens on a desert island. Cloris crawls up.
Cloris Oh, dear! Oh! Oh, gracious. I thought I'd never make it.
She stands up, moaning. She notices a fish in her sleeve and tosses it. She sits on what she thinks is a rock, but is actually a sleeping Sweetums.
Sweetums Ah-ha! Pretty blonde lady!
Cloris (curtsies) Hello.
Sweetums Pretty blonde lady make good fondue?
Cloris Oh, that depends. Are you thinking of me as the cook or the dish?
Sweetums Well, you're quite a dish.
Cloris That does it. I'm leaving.
Sweetums Ho, ho. Where nice lady come from?
Cloris Didn't you see that shipwreck out there?
Sweetums I caused that shipwreck out there. Haw, haw, haw.
Cloris I believe it. With breath like that, you could sink an armada.
Sweetums Huh?
Cloris (picks up a canteen) Oh, look. Water.
Sweetums Oh, good. Sweetums thirsty. (snatches the canteen)
Cloris Oh, I'm so thirsty.
Sweetums Tough luck, kid. Haw haw.
Cloris Look, up there! Quick!
Sweetums Sweetums not fall for that old gag.
BOP! A coconut falls on his head from the tree.
Sweetums That does it! Sweetums and nice lady not be friends after all!
He chases her around the tree, roaring.
Cloris Now, now, hold on. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on! Hold on. Just a moment.
He catches her, and she screams. Doglion approaches in a motorboat and walks up to her.
Doglion Hey, someone call for help?
Cloris (hugs him) Oh, thank heavens. Oh, your timing is perfect.
Doglion It is?
Music swells up.

Just in time.
I found you just in time.
Before you came, my time
Was running low.


I was lost.
The losing dice were tossed.


My bridges all were crossed—
Nowhere to go.
Now you're here.
And now I know just where I'm going.
No more doubt or fear.
I've found my way.

All For love came just in time…

I found you just in time…
And changed my lonely life…

224 dish.jpg
All That lovely… day.
Doglion That's lovely. Only got one question.
Cloris What's that?
Doglion Sweetums, is this the cook or the dish?
Sweetums Dish! Haw haw!
Cloris What? Oh! Help!
They both start chasing her around the tree. End scene.


Kermit Well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cloris Leachman! Yaaaay!
Cloris Thank you. Oh, Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.
Kermit Oh, good.
Cloris Thank you so...
A rumbling is heard. Gonzo finally breaks through the wall.
224 success.jpg
Gonzo Freedom is mine! What are you doing here, Kermit?
Kermit Never mind. I'll tell you about it later.
Cloris Oh, boy, Kermit. It certainly has been different around here tonight.
Kermit Yeah, well, I don't know how to explain to you about those pigs.
Cloris Where did those pigs come from?
Kermit And where did they go? I mean, who would organize a hog-calling contest? It was amazing. It was bizarre.
Cloris It was easy.
Kermit Cloris, you did that for us?
Cloris Well, I'm from lowa.
Kermit You must be a great hog-caller.
224 closing.jpg
Cloris Soo-eee! Piggy, piggy, piggy!
Pigs flock the stage, including Kermit the Pig, who signs off with Kermit.
Kermits We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Pigs Oink, oink.
Kermit Will you get outta here? Hey, come back here.
The credits roll.
Waldorf That was weird!
Statler I'll tell the world!
Waldorf Go ahead!
Statler (to the viewer) That was weird!
Waldorf Weird!
Statler Weird! Weird!
Waldorf Weird!
They chuckle.