Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, you're gonna love tonight's show because our special guest is the star of television and films, Miss Cloris Leachman! But first, first, let's get...
A gang of pigs appear and throw a net over Kermit.
Kermit
What are you guys doing?
Head pig
Pigs are taking over the show!
Pigs
Yeah! Takin' over!
Kermit
You'll never get away with it!
Head pig
Wanna bet?
They carry him offstage.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
We did it! We did it! Hahaha!
A pig resembling Kermit follows them on stage.
Kermit the Pig
Hi-ho! Kermit the Pig here. (grins, looks around) Hey, welcome to The Muppet Show. But tonight, let's open the festivities with…
Miss Piggy
All right, buster, what's going on here? Where's my frog?
Kermit the Pig
Oh, we — we pigs have taken over the show.
Miss Piggy
Well, hoo-ha. Where's my frog, huh? What happened to him?
Kermit the Pig
But Miss Piggy, you're starring in the opening number.
Miss Piggy
I don't care. If you touch one flipper of my fro— (suddenly changes her tone) I'm starring in the opening number?
Kermit the Pig
Of course. You're the biggest pig star we've got.
Miss Piggy
We'll … talk about what's-his-name later. (dashes off)
Kermit the Pig
And now, let's get the show rolling with a little pig music! Aaahhh!
Fozzie listens through the door as Kermit is shoved into the same room.
Pig 2
Move, move, little frog! Move! Get in there! Go on!
Fozzie
Kermit, Kermit. Now, listen, you g…
They slam the door shut.
Fozzie
(embraces Kermit) Oh, Kermit. Oh, I'm so glad to see you. Oh, it's been terrible. Kermit, do you know that the pigs have taken over the show?
Kermit
Where are we? Is this the boiler room?
Fozzie
Yes, the boiler room, yet.
Kermit
Well, listen, Fozzie, don't worry. We will get out of here.
Fozzie
Of course we'll get out of here, because I, the bear, have a plan.
Kermit
Yeah?
Fozzie
I am going to tie some sheets together, and we will slip out the window!
Kermit
What window? (looks around)
Fozzie
No window! (panics) Oh, Kermit! Kermit! We gotta bust outta heeere! Kermit, Kermit. There's no telling how long they could keep us here. Look. Look, look. Look.
He shows Kermit a mark on the wall.
Kermit
Uh, what — what is that?
Fozzie
I started a calendar. Kermit, it's necessary. Believe me! I don't know what we're gonna do!
Kermit
Fozzie, Fozzie, Fozzie — do not panic. Listen, we'll use that telephone there and call for help.
Fozzie
The telephone. Of course! Oh.
He picks up the receiver and hears a dial tone.
Fozzie
It's working! Here, Kermit.
He runs to Kermit, accidentally disconnecting the phone from the wall.
Kermit
This... This... This may take longer than I thought.
Operetta Medley[]
Main stage. Kermit the Pig enters.
Kermit the Pig
And now, here's our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman, in a classic piece of...
Cloris enters to applause.
Cloris
Excuse me. I'm sorry, but I must stop you.
Kermit the Pig
What's the matter? Did I get your name wrong?
Cloris
No, no, that's not it.
Kermit the Pig
Uh, you don't like the dress?
Cloris
Uh, no. It's OK for the number I'm doing.
Kermit the Pig
You don't like the number?
Cloris
No, it's OK for the dress I'm wearing.
Kermit the Pig
But it's a great number. You and Sweetums'll be terrific.
Cloris
No, no. No. My number with Sweetums comes at the end of the show.
Kermit the Pig
Yeep! Uh, that's my mistake. Excuse me. Sweetums, Sweetums, back to the dressing room. Go on, back.
Cloris
OK, cut, cut. That is not Sweetums. And you are not Kermit.
Kermit the Pig
Wha — Yes, I am.
Cloris
Oh, no. I've seen The Muppet Show on television many times, and you don't look anything like the Muppets that I've seen.
Kermit the Pig
(stammering) Maybe it's your television set.
Cloris
No, it is not the set. I mean, you're, you're green, and you've got that darling, funny, pointy collar Kermit used to wear. But you're not — you're not Kermit.
Kermit the Pig
Oh, yes, I am.
Cloris
All right, then. I'll spell it out for you. You are a pig. P-I-G. You are not a frog. F-R-O-G.
Kermit the Pig
But...
Cloris
No, no, no. You are not a frog, and there's nothing you can say that will ever convince me that you are a frog. Nothing. (turns and walks away)
Kermit the Pig
Ribbit.
She stops in her tracks and turns around.
Kermit the Pig
Ribbit, ribbit.
Cloris
(relieved) Kermit! It is you.
Kermit the Pig grins and snorts.
Cloris
What?
Kermit the Pig
Uh, nothing. Ribbit.
Cloris
Finish the introductions, Kermit. It must be the eyes. They must be going. (walks away)
Kermit the Pig
And now, once again, our special guest, Miss Cloris Leachman! Aaahhhh!
Open on a mountain setting. Cloris sings "My Hero," soon joined by Link in a mountie outfit. They both duet "Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life" and "Serenade". Three more mountie pigs enter and sing a variant of "Stout-Hearted Men".
Boiler room[]
Fozzie
OK, Kermit, now listen, when the pig comes in, I'll clobber him, and then we run for our lives. (he hears someone approaching) Oh, here we go.
Head pig
Get in that cell!
Gonzo is shoved into the room. Fozzie hits him with the club.
Fozzie
Got ya!
Gonzo
Are you crazy? That really hurt.
Fozzie
Oh — Gonzo, I'm sorry. I thought you were a pig.
Gonzo
(to Kermit) Terrific. Terrific. First he clobbers me, then he insults me.
Kermit
Hey, uh, Gonzo, what's happening with the show?
Fozzie
Yeah, yeah?
Gonzo
Oh, it's going great. They've got this new emcee and the audience loves him. Kermit the Pig.
Kermit
Kermit the Pig?
Fozzie
Easy, easy, Kermit. Don't take it so personally.
Gonzo
And the new comedian? Fozzie the Pig? Boy, is he funny!
Fozzie
We gotta get outta heeeere!
Gonzo
We will get out of here. Look what I smuggled in.
Kermit
A spoon?
Gonzo
Mmm-hmm.
Fozzie
Gonzo, we wanna escape, not eat!
Gonzo
We will escape. I'm gonna dig a tunnel with it.
He starts digging in the brick wall. Kermit and Fozzie look at each other.
Kermit
Uh, I think we're gonna be here a while.
Fozzie's comedy act[]
Main stage. Kermit the Pig enters to a fanfare.
Kermit the Pig
And now it's time for everybody's favorite funny pig … that great big lovable ham who's really a boar, and proud of it … (grimaces) … Mr. Fozzie Pig! Aaaahhh!
The curtain opens, and Fozzie Pig takes the stage.
Fozzie Pig
Hiya, hiya, hiya! I'm really hot tonight. I guess you could say the — (looks down) fat's in the fire. Aaaaaah! Speaking of fat, my wife is so fat that when she brings home the bacon, it takes three guys to bring home the bacon! Aaaaahhhhh!
Statler
Say, his new material isn't bad.
Waldorf
Yes, but his new haircut is awful.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Pig
But rolling right along, folks, it's really great to be here entertaining you, uh, but next year I'm going back to school. Yeah, you see, get this... You see, I still got a lot to loin. Ah, get it? Pork? Loin? Aaahhhh…
Waldorf
Now I know it's the haircut.
Statler
(nods) Mmm.
Fozzie Pig
Uh … yeah, but uh, well, I could do this all night. Uh, uh, yeah, but my sauerkraut is double-porked. Get it? Double-porked? Porked. (his fanfare plays and he exits) Hogga, hogga, hogga, hogga.
Waldorf
(laughs)
Statler
Sauerkraut?
Waldorf
"Double-porked!"
Statler
It's the worst!
Waldorf
Wurst!
Statler & Waldorf
The wurst! The wurst! The wurst! (they laugh)
The Swedish Pig[]
The Swedish Pig oinks his theme song, then tosses two spoons aside. He picks up a corn ear and points to it.
He tosses the ear into the air and fires the blunderbuss. Down comes popcorn!
Swedish Pig
Pøppå cørn. Oinkå, oinkå, oinkå. Ha ha ha ha. Oink, oink.
UK Spot: Vegetarian's Hospital[]
Miss Piggy looks through an otoscope to examine the ring she's wearing. Once she sees she's on camera, she takes her position at the operating table.
Announcer
And now, Vegetarian's Hospital, the story of a pig-headed quack who's gone hog wild.
Pig nurse
Here's your next case, doctor.
Dr. Pig takes off the blanket.
Dr. Pig
Wha? This is a dish of fruits and vegetables.
Miss Piggy
It's all right. They have group insurance.
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig
Group insurance? They'd better have grape insurance.
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig
Here's a nice bunch.
The grapes laugh.
Pig nurse
What's the problem here?
Miss Piggy
Well, ahem, the corn has a bad ear. The potato has a bad eye. And the eggplant... (snickers)
Dr. Pig
Yes?
Miss Piggy
The eggplant has a bad yolk!
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig
Well, that makes two of you.
They all laugh.
Dr. Pig
Well, let's start with the corn.
Pig nurse
You already have.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Oh, oh, doctor, you really know your vegetables.
Dr. Pig
Well, that's why they pay me a big celery.
Miss Piggy
Celery!
They all laugh.
Announcer
And so, once again, for the first time, we come to the close of Vegetarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Pig say...
Dr. Pig
And now, lettuce operate.
Miss Piggy
"Lettuce operate!"
They all laugh as Dr. Pig pokes the veggies. Fade to the newsroom.
UK Spot: Muppet Newsflash[]
Newspig
Here is a Muppet newsflash. The eminent research scientist, Dr. Bunsen Honeypig, today announced he had successfully converted a sow's ear into a silk purse. … Dr. Honeypig is now the object of a massive civil and criminal suit by the wife of a neighborhood artist, Mrs. Vincent van Gogh Pig.
He nods, puts down the paper and walks off.
Boiler room[]
Meanwhile, Gonzo is still digging through the wall.
Kermit
How's it going, guys?
Fozzie
Oh, it's terrific. Gonzo's digging and I'm going to smuggle the dirt out in my hat.
He puts on his hat, and dirt falls on his head.
Fozzie
Or not.
Piggy enters, dressed for Pigs in Space.
Miss Piggy
Kermie? Oh, Kermie, are you all right?
Kermit
Uh, well, uh, uh, yes, I guess so.
Miss Piggy
Kermie, I just want you to know that I have had nothing to do, whatsoever, with the taking over of this show. I have ref... No, really, I have refused to cooperate. Yes, and, Kermie?
Kermit
Hm?
Miss Piggy
I am going to stay here with you.
Kermit
You really... Oh, that, that's very nice of you, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Kermie, my loyalty is here... with my frog.
Audience: "Awwww."
Kermit
You really mean it?
Miss Piggy
Mmm-hmm.
Head pig
Uh, Pigs in Space on next.
A beat.
Miss Piggy
You have to cancel it. I, I remain with my sweetheart, Kermie.
Kermit
Oh, gee, Miss Piggy.
Head pig
OK, we'll just get someone to take your place.
Miss Piggy
Take my place?!
Head pig
I mean, if you wanna stay here with him.
A beat.
Miss Piggy
Well... (sigh) … Bye. (exits)
Kermit
But …
Head pig
That's showbiz, pal. (laughs)
The door slams.
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the quixotic Captain Link Hogthrob, the vacuous first mate Miss Piggy, and the somnambulistic Dr. Julius Strangepork. As we left the Swinetrek last time, it was under attack from an alien thing.
The red emergency light blinks as an alarm sounds.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Battle stations! Battle stations!
Link Hogthrob
Condition red!
Miss Piggy
Man the guns!
Link Hogthrob
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Miss Piggy
What is it, my captain? Oh no!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Are you hit, Link?
Link Hogthrob
Oh! No, I've got a spot on my uniform. Oh...
A creature appears in the window.
Miss Piggy
There it is!
Link Hogthrob
Here it is. Right here by my epaulet. See there? And I just had it cleaned on Tuesday.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Look. It's stopped shooting!
Link Hogthrob
Oh, maybe it will sponge off.
Miss Piggy
What is it?
Link Hogthrob
I don't know.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
I don't know, either. It appears to be... I mean, it looks like... It is! It's chopped liver!
Miss Piggy
(screams)
Link Hogthrob
No, I think it's ketchup.
Miss Piggy
No, no, not there, lardhead. There!
Link Hogthrob
Oh! Oh! Oh! It is! It is! It's chopped liver! Oh, not chopped liver! Anything but chopped liver!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
What's wrong with chopped liver?
Link Hogthrob
It gives me gas. >hic!<
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Try holding your breath and counting to five or six hundred.
Link Hogthrob
>hic!< (holds his snout) One, two, three, four...
Miss Piggy
No, no, you twit! Don't you understand? That is the chopped-liver monster from the galaxy Zabar.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
It's hideous.
Chopped Liver
(Jewish accent) Hideous? For $1.69 a pound, you want beautiful?
Announcer
Tune in again next time for another digestive episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Statler
The pigs may have taken over, but there's one thing they haven't changed.
Waldorf
What's that?
Statler
It's still not funny.
They chuckle.
Boiler room[]
Kermit and Fozzie examine the hole as Gonzo digs.
Kermit
How's Gonzo doing?
Fozzie
Pretty good, I guess. I, I can't even see him anymore.
Scooter
Hey, Kermit, we're free! We're free!
Kermit
Really?
Fozzie
What happened?
Scooter
Someone next door was holding a hog-calling contest, so they all heard it and ran off!
Fozzie
What a plot twist! How amazing! How unbelievable!
Kermit
How convenient. I'll get on stage. You tell Gonzo.
Fozzie
Yes, sir.
Fozzie
(calls into the hole) Hey, Gonzo! (aside) He's made a lot of progress with that teaspoon.
"Just in Time"[]
The stage is empty.
Kermit
(off-stage) I'm coming!
Kermit takes the stage.
Kermit
Well, things have been a little bit strange here tonight, but uh, someone we can always depend on is the wonderful Miss Cloris Leachman. We take you now to a desert island, where the coconuts and guest stars grow.
The curtain opens on a desert island. Cloris crawls up.
Cloris
Oh, dear! Oh! Oh, gracious. I thought I'd never make it.
She stands up, moaning. She notices a fish in her sleeve and tosses it. She sits on what she thinks is a rock, but is actually a sleeping Sweetums.
Sweetums
Ah-ha! Pretty blonde lady!
Cloris
(curtsies) Hello.
Sweetums
Pretty blonde lady make good fondue?
Cloris
Oh, that depends. Are you thinking of me as the cook or the dish?
Sweetums
Well, you're quite a dish.
Cloris
That does it. I'm leaving.
Sweetums
Ho, ho. Where nice lady come from?
Cloris
Didn't you see that shipwreck out there?
Sweetums
I caused that shipwreck out there. Haw, haw, haw.
Cloris
I believe it. With breath like that, you could sink an armada.
Sweetums
Huh?
Cloris
(picks up a canteen) Oh, look. Water.
Sweetums
Oh, good. Sweetums thirsty. (snatches the canteen)
Cloris
Oh, I'm so thirsty.
Sweetums
Tough luck, kid. Haw haw.
Cloris
Look, up there! Quick!
Sweetums
Sweetums not fall for that old gag.
BOP! A coconut falls on his head from the tree.
Sweetums
That does it! Sweetums and nice lady not be friends after all!
He chases her around the tree, roaring.
Cloris
Now, now, hold on. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on! Hold on. Just a moment.
He catches her, and she screams. Doglion approaches in a motorboat and walks up to her.
Doglion
Hey, someone call for help?
Cloris
(hugs him) Oh, thank heavens. Oh, your timing is perfect.
Doglion
It is?
Music swells up.
Cloris
Just in time. I found you just in time. Before you came, my time Was running low.
Sweetums
I was lost. The losing dice were tossed.
Cloris
My bridges all were crossed— Nowhere to go. Now you're here. And now I know just where I'm going. No more doubt or fear. I've found my way.
All
For love came just in time…
Cloris
I found you just in time… And changed my lonely life…
All
That lovely… day.
Applause.
Doglion
That's lovely. Only got one question.
Cloris
What's that?
Doglion
Sweetums, is this the cook or the dish?
Sweetums
Dish! Haw haw!
Cloris
What? Oh! Help!
They both start chasing her around the tree. End scene.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, that's about all the time we have, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Cloris Leachman! Yaaaay!
Cloris
Thank you. Oh, Kermit, I've had a wonderful time.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Cloris
Thank you so...
A rumbling is heard. Gonzo finally breaks through the wall.
Gonzo
Freedom is mine! What are you doing here, Kermit?
Kermit
Never mind. I'll tell you about it later.
Cloris
Oh, boy, Kermit. It certainly has been different around here tonight.
Kermit
Yeah, well, I don't know how to explain to you about those pigs.
Cloris
Where did those pigs come from?
Kermit
And where did they go? I mean, who would organize a hog-calling contest? It was amazing. It was bizarre.
Cloris
It was easy.
Kermit
Cloris, you did that for us?
Cloris
Well, I'm from lowa.
Kermit
You must be a great hog-caller.
Cloris
Soo-eee! Piggy, piggy, piggy!
Pigs flock the stage, including Kermit the Pig, who signs off with Kermit.