(to the theme) Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah!
Gonzo gets the hiccups when he tries to play his trumpet.
Gonzo
Uh, excuse me.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a very special show tonight because we have not one, but TWO special guest stars! We have Mr. Kris Kristofferson and Miss Rita Coolidge! (applause) Yes!
Miss Piggy
Kermie, Kermie.
Kermit
Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
I just want to thank you for letting me do this opening number with Kris.
Kermit
Oh, well, that's all right.
Miss Piggy
It's a very sexy number. I hope you won't be jealous.
Kermit
Uh, ahem, don't worry.
Miss Piggy
Uh, you sure?
Kermit
Positive.
Miss Piggy
Oh. (hollers) Kris, please! Kermie — Kermie, you'd better introduce us. He just cannot wait. (whoops and hollers)
Kermit
Yeah. Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is...
Miss Piggy
Uh, K-Kerm, Kermie, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, it's you I love. Trust me.
Kermit
Uh... yeah. OK. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr. Kris Kristofferson.
The Mayhem backs up Kris as he serenades Piggy.
Kris
Take the ribbon from your hair. Shake it loose, let it fall.
She does so.
Kris
Layin' soft against my skin, Like the shadows on the wall.
Miss Piggy
(swoons) … Kris.
Kris
Come and lay down by my side…
Miss Piggy
All right.
Kris
Till the early morning light.
Miss Piggy
Oh, you silver-tongued devil.
Kris
All I'm taking is your time.
Miss Piggy
Take it!
Kris
Help me make it through the night.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Krissie!
We don't care who's right or wrong!
Kris
I don't try to understand.
Miss Piggy
Let the devil take tomorrow!
Kris
Lord, tonight I need a friend.
Miss Piggy
Oh, yes.
Kris
(chuckling)
Yesterday is dead and gone.
Miss Piggy
Yesterday is dead and gone!
Kris
And tomorrow's out of sight.
Miss Piggy
Yes, tomorrow's out of sight.
Kris
And it's sad to be alone.
Miss Piggy
So sad to be alone.
Both
Help me make it through the night. We don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Animal does a wild drum solo as she showers Kris with kissy-kissys. Applause.
Kris
You rascal.
Statler
Wonderful!
Waldorf
Wonderful!
Statler & Waldorf
Copenhagen…
They chuckle.
Canteen[]
Kermit
(heard through the intercom) OK, stagehands, strike Kris's number. I'm introducing the dog act. Dogs on stage, please.
Gonzo
Hey, Gladys.
Gladys
Yeah, dear?
Gonzo
What's the soup du jour?
Gladys
Same as yesterday.
Gonzo
Good. I'll have that and the chicken.
Gladys
Now, how do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled or barbecued?
Gonzo
I want the chicken for company! (sigh) I hate to eat alone.
A chicken sits next to him.
Gladys
For a second there I thought you was one of them weirdoes. I still do.
She walks away. A pig approaches Gonzo.
Pig
Hey, Gonzo, Kermit says you're on next.
Gonzo
Oh, thank you.
Gladys
It's OK, dear. You'll pay me later.
Gonzo
Thank you.
Pig
Hey, you're finally gonna get to do the old piano-balancing act, eh?
Gonzo
Yeah.
Gladys corners Gonzo and pins him on the table. Gonzo trembles.
Gladys
You'll pay me NOW.
Gonzo's stunt[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity. (to the curtain) Um, is He ready back there?
Voice
Uh, no, no.
Gonzo
I'm ready.
Voice
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kermit
Uh... OK. The Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity, will recite the seven times multiplication table while balancing a piano and standing in a hammock?? The Great Gonzo!
The curtain opens on Gonzo.
Gonzo
Ta-da! … Seven... Seven times one is, uh... Seven. Seven times two is, uh... seventeen. Oh, let me count that. All right. Seven, eight, nine, ten, cary the one... Eleven, twelve…
He tries to count on his fingers, but lets go of the piano and … CRASH!
Waldorf
Well, that act certainly suited Gonzo.
Statler
It did?
Waldorf
Yep. Suited him right down to the ground.
They chuckle.
Muppet Labs[]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, l've got some news of welcome relief to short, stubbly people like Beaker here.
Beaker
Meep meep meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Announcing new Muppet Labs' Atomic Elevator Shoes. Yes, these shoes can add inches to your height at the mere flick of a lever. Ahem. Beaker is wearing them now, and they work like this. Up...
He pulls a lever, and Beaker rises.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
...down.
He lowers Beaker.
Beaker
Meep meep! Meep meep meep…!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, Beaker, stop it! You're just acting like a baby. (sigh)
He pulls the lever all the way down, and Beaker grows taller and taller.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
And so, the Atomic Elevator Shoe adds untold inches to Beaker's unfortunate physique.
Beaker
(screaming)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Beaker! You never told me you wore stripy socks. That's all for today from Muppet Labs. Timber!
Beaker's legs collapse in the opposite direction. CRASH!
"My Wild Irish Rose"[]
Open on Wayne in a forest, next to a rose.
Wayne
My wild Irish rose …
The rose sprouts teeth and attacks him.
Canteen[]
Kermit
(heard through the intercom) Stand by for Rita's number. Woodland animals on stage, please.
Piggy passes a stole and a fox on their way out.
Miss Piggy
La la la la. Oh, what a nice stole.
Annie Sue
Hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Oh. Ahem. Hello, Annabelle.
Annie Sue
You look so beautiful today.
Miss Piggy
Of course I do.
Gladys
Now, what'll it be? One Weight Watchers special?
Miss Piggy
I shall see the menu, s'il vous plait.
Gladys
The name's Gladys. (hands her the menu)
Miss Piggy
Well, Gladys, I shall have, let me see... A watercress sandwich on whole wheat and four ounces of rhubarb juice.
Gladys
(calls) One fatso special! (notices Annie Sue) Oh, and what'll we have for you, dear?
Annie Sue
Well, I'm not really hungry. But I'll have a chocolate milkshake, a hamburger with French fries on the side and apple pie with cream.
Gladys
(calls) One kamikaze special!
Annie Sue
Oh, what a cute name. (giggles)
Miss Piggy
Yes, isn't that sweet, all that food? (giggles)
Annie Sue leans on a silverware trolly. Piggy kicks the trolley, sending Annie rolling away. CRASH!
Miss Piggy
(nonchalantly) I'm sorry.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
And now, a Muppet news flash. This is an update on the Henderson burglary. Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware. It has disappeared into thin air.
It rains silverware on the Newsman.
Backstage[]
Miss Piggy
Excusez-moi, Kermie.
Kermit
Uh, not right Now, Miss Piggy. I Have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Miss Piggy
Oh, I just wanted to mention that Mr. Kristofferson and Miss Coolidge are happily married.
Kermit
Uh, yeah, I know.
Miss Piggy
(blocks him in his path) Mm-hmm. It shows you can combine show business careers and marriage.
Kermit
Well, I suppose it does, yes.
Miss Piggy
And you know, we both have show business careers.
Kermit
That's true.
Miss Piggy
Mm-hmm. Need I say more?
Kermit
Miss Piggy, I really have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Miss Piggy
Yes, dear. I just wanted you to think about it.
Kermit
I don't have time to think about it.
Miss Piggy
(her hand on his shoulder) Maybe six months in the hospital will give you more time to think.
Kermit
I… I will think about it. (runs on stage)
Miss Piggy
Thank you. (saunters off)
"We're All Alone"[]
Kermit
And now, here she is, our second very special guest, a lovely lady with a beautiful voice and a wonderful song, Miss Rita Coolidge.
Rita sings her solo hit "We're All Alone" with some forest friends.
UK spot[]
Rowlf plays a piano riff.
Sam the Eagle
Very nice.
Rowlf
thank you.
Sam the Eagle
Ahem. I take great pride in introducing the charming 18th century romantic ballad,A Frog He Would A-Wooing Go.(to Rowlf) Go.
Rowlf begins playing.
Rowlf
A frog he would a-wooing go. Hey, ho, said Rowley. Whether his mother would let him or no With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach, Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.
Sam hums to the hook.
Sam the Eagle
Hmm. Beautiful.
Rowlf
Thank you. Next verse.
He came to sweep Miss Mousey's hall. Hey, ho, said Rowley. He gave a loud knock, he gave a loud call, With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach, Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.
Sam hums to the hook.
Sam the Eagle
Hmm. Charming.
Rowlf
Thank you. Next verse.
But while they there were merry making, Hey, ho, said Rowley A cat and her kittens came tumbling in, With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach, Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.
Sam the Eagle
Oh, yes. Sheer poetry, isn't it?
Rowlf
Well, I think l'd like it more if I understood the words.
Sam the Eagle
Oh, well, which words?
Rowlf
Well, let's start with "A frog he would a-wooing go."
Sam the Eagle
A-ha! Uh, yes, that. This shows us that there was a time when frogs, indeed, used to go "woo".
Rowlf
Frogs don't go "woo, woo." They go ribbit.
Sam the Eagle
Only very recently.
Rowlf
"Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley."
Sam the Eagle
Ah, oh, yes. Oh, that one. The precise meaning of the expression "hey, ho" is lost in antiquity. You won't find any modern rubbish here.
Rowlf
What about "Rowley poly gammon and spinach"?
Sam the Eagle
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Rowlf
What's that?
Sam the Eagle
That's rubbish.
Rowlf
That's what I thought.
Rowlf concludes the song with a riff. Applause.
Sam the Eagle
Why are they laughing?
Dressing room[]
Kris approaches Rita in the dressing room.
Kris
Hey, Rita, we gotta talk about something. You alone?
Rita
Yes.
Kris
Are you sure?
Rita
Sure I'm sure, Kris. You don't see anybody, do you?
Kris
No, but around here it doesn't make any difference. Everything on this show walks and talks. Animals, vegetables.
Rock
Don't forget about the minerals.
Rock
You heard me, buster!
The rock thumps as it walks.
Kris
Uh, would you mind leaving us alone for a while, please?
Rock
Oh, sure thing. Come on, gang.
The clothesline and umbrellas walk away.
Voices
(They want to be alone.) (murmuring) (Let's go wait in the hall.)
Kris
Rita, this is a very weird show.
Rita
Yes. That was a little strange, but I think you'll find most of the Muppets are pretty normal. Uh, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Scooter, Kermit.
Gonzo
Hi. Hi.
Kris
What about this one?
Rita
Hello, Gonzo.
Gonzo
Hi. Say, how about a couple of autographs?
Rita
Sure, I'll get a pen for you.
Gonzo
Oh, you don't have to. I already signed them.
Kris
You're giving us your autographs, hmm?
Gonzo
Yeah. They're really valuable now since my piano-balancing act.
Rita
But, uh, Gonzo, you fell.
Gonzo
I know! A lot of people think I'm dead now. Isn't that terrific?
Well, I didn't think l'd live to see it, but, for once, they've given us something other than second-rate entertainment.
Statler
What's that?
Waldorf
Third-rate entertainment.
They chuckle.
Chimes[]
A chicken plays "For Me and My Gal" on the chimes, and quickly gets whacked by a swinging chime.
Canteen[]
Floyd
Mm-mmm-mmm! That was mighty fine, Gladys. My compliments to the chef.
Gladys
(looks down) Hey, he says He liked it.
Floyd
Who you talking to?
Gladys
The short order cook.
Floyd
This place takes itself so literally.
Gladys
Of course it does. Hey, you want to see our apple turnover?
Floyd
Sure.
Gladys
Hey, apple, turn over!
An apple in a fruit bowl turns over. Floyd laughs.
Floyd
Hey, I might just slide by later and take a look at the salad dressing.
He and Gladys laugh.
Gladys
Hey, hey, what about Animal? He hasn't ordered yet.
Floyd
Nah, it's OK. He just finished a TV dinner.
Gladys
Well, did he remember to thaw it?
Floyd
Thaw it?
Animal munches on a TV set.
Floyd
He didn't even unplug it! (laughs)
Animal
TV dinner! TV dinner!
"Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)"[]
Rowlf plays the piano. Fozzie emerges with a top hat.
Fozzie
Hi-diddle-dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane, A watch of gold with a diamond chain. Hi-diddle-dee-doo! You sleep till after two. You promenade with a big cigar, You tour the world in a private car, You dine on chicken and caviar, An actor's life for me! Ha!
Rowlf
Okay, what happens now?
Fozzie
Oh, now comes the funny part. (exits)
Rowlf
Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
Fozzie comes back with a fish.
Fozzie
OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Rowlf
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?
Fozzie
Oh, just for the halibut. (wiggles his ears)
Rowlf
Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.
Fozzie
Ha!
He tosses the fish and it splashes.
Fozzie
Hi-diddle-dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane, A watch of gold with a diamond chain. Hi-diddle-dee-doo! You sleep till after two.
Rowlf
Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
Fozzie
No, it doesn't, it needs scenery!
A decorative vaudeville backdrop is lowered.
Rowlf
Oh, it's wonderful scenery. But is it funny?
Fozzie
OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Rowlf
Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for?
Fozzie
Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless. (wiggles his ears) "Just for the halibut."
Rowlf
Keep trying.
Fozzie
(tosses the hoop) Oh, boy.
Fozzie
Hi-diddle-dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane, A watch of gold with a diamond chain. Hi-diddle-dee-doo! You sleep till after two. You promenade with a big cigar, You tour the world in a private car, You dine on chicken and caviar, An actor's life for me!
Both
An actor's life for me!
"Song I Like to Sing"[]
Kermit
Well, we've heard one of our guest stars, and then we've heard the other one. Now, let's put 'em together and see what happens. Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.
Kris and Rita sing "Song I Like to Sing" with a Latin Whantot backup band as the Muppet monsters dance.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge! Yaaaay!
Kris
Thanks for having us, Kermit. It was a lot of fun.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Rita
Yeah. Kermit, uh, where's Gonzo?
Kermit
Gonzo. Oh, he was, uh...
Two mournful chickens carry a figure under a green blanket on a stretcher. Rita lifts the blanket.
Rita
Oh, Gonzo.
Gonzo
Shh! I'm only pretending. My autographs will be worth a fortune.
Kermit
Gonzo!!
The chickens scatter.
Gonzo
Well, it was worth a try.
Kermit
Good night! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Statler
You know, they can improve the whole show if they just change the ending.