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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 301: Kris Kristofferson & Rita Coolidge.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge! 25 seconds to curtain, folks.
Rita No problem.
Kris We'll be ready.
Scooter Great. Uh, by the way, I hope you folks don't mind having to share a dressing room.
Kris Nah.
Rita No, not at all.
Scooter Good. Come on in, guys! You can share Kris and Rita's dressing room!
The room fills up with friendly Muppet monsters.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars Rita Coolidge and Kris Kristofferson! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf (to the theme) Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah!
Gonzo gets the hiccups when he tries to play his trumpet.
Gonzo Uh, excuse me.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a very special show tonight because we have not one, but TWO special guest stars! We have Mr. Kris Kristofferson and Miss Rita Coolidge! (applause) Yes!
Miss Piggy Kermie, Kermie.
Kermit Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy I just want to thank you for letting me do this opening number with Kris.
Kermit Oh, well, that's all right.
Miss Piggy It's a very sexy number. I hope you won't be jealous.
Kermit Uh, ahem, don't worry.
Miss Piggy Uh, you sure?
Kermit Positive.
Miss Piggy Oh. (hollers) Kris, please! Kermie — Kermie, you'd better introduce us. He just cannot wait. (whoops and hollers)
Kermit Yeah. Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is...
Miss Piggy Uh, K-Kerm, Kermie, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, it's you I love. Trust me.
Kermit Uh... yeah. OK. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, Mr. Kris Kristofferson.
The Mayhem backs up Kris as he serenades Piggy.

Take the ribbon from your hair.
Shake it loose, let it fall.

She does so.

Layin' soft against my skin,
Like the shadows on the wall.

Miss Piggy (swoons) … Kris.
Kris Come and lay down by my side…
Miss Piggy All right.
Kris Till the early morning light.
Miss Piggy Oh, you silver-tongued devil.
Kris All I'm taking is your time.
Miss Piggy Take it!
Kris Help me make it through the night.
Miss Piggy Oh, Krissie!

We don't care who's right or wrong!

Kris I don't try to understand.
Miss Piggy Let the devil take tomorrow!
Kris Lord, tonight I need a friend.
Miss Piggy Oh, yes.
Kris (chuckling)

Yesterday is dead and gone.

Miss Piggy Yesterday is dead and gone!
Kris And tomorrow's out of sight.
Miss Piggy Yes, tomorrow's out of sight.
Kris And it's sad to be alone.
Miss Piggy So sad to be alone.

Help me make it through the night.
We don't want to be alone.
Help me make it through the night.

Animal does a wild drum solo as she showers Kris with kissy-kissys. Applause.
Kris You rascal.
Statler Wonderful!
Waldorf Wonderful!
Statler & Waldorf Copenhagen…
They chuckle.


Kermit (heard through the intercom) OK, stagehands, strike Kris's number. I'm introducing the dog act. Dogs on stage, please.
Gonzo Hey, Gladys.
Gladys Yeah, dear?
Gonzo What's the soup du jour?
Gladys Same as yesterday.
Gonzo Good. I'll have that and the chicken.
Gladys Now, how do you want your chicken? Baked, broiled or barbecued?
Gonzo I want the chicken for company! (sigh) I hate to eat alone.
A chicken sits next to him.
Gladys For a second there I thought you was one of them weirdoes. I still do.
She walks away. A pig approaches Gonzo.
Pig Hey, Gonzo, Kermit says you're on next.
Gonzo Oh, thank you.
Gladys It's OK, dear. You'll pay me later.
Gonzo Thank you.
Pig Hey, you're finally gonna get to do the old piano-balancing act, eh?
Gonzo Yeah.
Gladys corners Gonzo and pins him on the table. Gonzo trembles.
Gladys You'll pay me NOW.

Gonzo's stunt

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity. (to the curtain) Um, is He ready back there?
Voice Uh, no, no.
Gonzo I'm ready.
Voice Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kermit Uh... OK. The Great Gonzo, in a master feat of mathematical dexterity, will recite the seven times multiplication table while balancing a piano and standing in a hammock?? The Great Gonzo!
The curtain opens on Gonzo.
Gonzo Ta-da! … Seven... Seven times one is, uh... Seven. Seven times two is, uh... seventeen. Oh, let me count that. All right. Seven, eight, nine, ten, cary the one... Eleven, twelve…
He tries to count on his fingers, but lets go of the piano and … CRASH!
Waldorf Well, that act certainly suited Gonzo.
Statler It did?
Waldorf Yep. Suited him right down to the ground.
They chuckle.

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, l've got some news of welcome relief to short, stubbly people like Beaker here.
Beaker Meep meep meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Announcing new Muppet Labs' Atomic Elevator Shoes. Yes, these shoes can add inches to your height at the mere flick of a lever. Ahem. Beaker is wearing them now, and they work like this. Up...
He pulls a lever, and Beaker rises.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew ...down.
He lowers Beaker.
Beaker Meep meep! Meep meep meep…!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, Beaker, stop it! You're just acting like a baby. (sigh)
He pulls the lever all the way down, and Beaker grows taller and taller.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And so, the Atomic Elevator Shoe adds untold inches to Beaker's unfortunate physique.
Beaker (screaming)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Beaker! You never told me you wore stripy socks. That's all for today from Muppet Labs. Timber!
Beaker's legs collapse in the opposite direction. CRASH!

"My Wild Irish Rose"

Open on Wayne in a forest, next to a rose.
Wayne My wild Irish rose …
The rose sprouts teeth and attacks him.


Kermit (heard through the intercom) Stand by for Rita's number. Woodland animals on stage, please.
Piggy passes a stole and a fox on their way out.
Miss Piggy La la la la. Oh, what a nice stole.
Annie Sue Hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh. Ahem. Hello, Annabelle.
Annie Sue You look so beautiful today.
Miss Piggy Of course I do.
Gladys Now, what'll it be? One Weight Watchers special?
Miss Piggy I shall see the menu, s'il vous plait.
301 gladys.jpg
Gladys The name's Gladys. (hands her the menu)
Miss Piggy Well, Gladys, I shall have, let me see... A watercress sandwich on whole wheat and four ounces of rhubarb juice.
Gladys (calls) One fatso special! (notices Annie Sue) Oh, and what'll we have for you, dear?
Annie Sue Well, I'm not really hungry. But I'll have a chocolate milkshake, a hamburger with French fries on the side and apple pie with cream.
Gladys (calls) One kamikaze special!
Annie Sue Oh, what a cute name. (giggles)
Miss Piggy Yes, isn't that sweet, all that food? (giggles)
Annie Sue leans on a silverware trolly. Piggy kicks the trolly, sending Annie rolling away. CRASH!
Miss Piggy (nonchalantly) I'm sorry.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman And now, a Muppet news flash. This is an update on the Henderson burglary. Police have recovered all the stolen property except the silverware. It has disappeared into thin air.
It rains silverware on the Newsman.


Miss Piggy Excusez-moi, Kermie.
Kermit Uh, not right Now, Miss Piggy. I Have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Miss Piggy Oh, I just wanted to mention that Mr. Kristofferson and Miss Coolidge are happily married.
Kermit Uh, yeah, I know.
Miss Piggy (blocks him in his path) Mm-hmm. It shows you can combine show business careers and marriage.
Kermit Well, I suppose it does, yes.
Miss Piggy And you know, we both have show business careers.
Kermit That's true.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. Need I say more?
Kermit Miss Piggy, I really have to go introduce Rita Coolidge.
Miss Piggy Yes, dear. I just wanted you to think about it.
Kermit I don't have time to think about it.
Miss Piggy (her hand on his shoulder) Maybe six months in the hospital will give you more time to think.
Kermit I… I will think about it. (runs on stage)
Miss Piggy Thank you. (saunters off)

"We're All Alone"

Kermit And now, here she is, our second very special guest, a lovely lady with a beautiful voice and a wonderful song, Miss Rita Coolidge.
Rita sings her solo hit "We're All Alone" with some forest friends.

UK spot

Rowlf plays a piano riff.
Sam the Eagle Very nice.
Rowlf thank you.
Sam the Eagle Ahem. I take great pride in introducing the charming 18th century romantic ballad,A Frog He Would A-Wooing Go. (to Rowlf) Go.
Rowlf begins playing.

A frog he would a-wooing go.
Hey, ho, said Rowley.
Whether his mother would let him or no
With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach,
Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.

Sam hums to the hook.
Sam the Eagle Hmm. Beautiful.
Rowlf Thank you. Next verse.

He came to sweep Miss Mousey's hall.
Hey, ho, said Rowley.
He gave a loud knock, he gave a loud call,
With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach,
Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.

Sam hums to the hook.
Sam the Eagle Hmm. Charming.
Rowlf Thank you. Next verse.

But while they there were merry making,
Hey, ho, said Rowley
A cat and her kittens came tumbling in,
With a rowley, powley, gammon, and spinach,
Hey ho, said Anthony Rowley.

Sam the Eagle Oh, yes. Sheer poetry, isn't it?
Rowlf Well, I think l'd like it more if I understood the words.
Sam the Eagle Oh, well, which words?
Rowlf Well, let's start with "A frog he would a-wooing go."
Sam the Eagle A-ha! Uh, yes, that. This shows us that there was a time when frogs, indeed, used to go "woo".
Rowlf Frogs don't go "woo, woo." They go ribbit.
Sam the Eagle Only very recently.
Rowlf "Hey, ho, said Anthony Rowley."
Sam the Eagle Ah, oh, yes. Oh, that one. The precise meaning of the expression "hey, ho" is lost in antiquity. You won't find any modern rubbish here.
Rowlf What about "Rowley poly gammon and spinach"?
Sam the Eagle Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Rowlf What's that?
Sam the Eagle That's rubbish.
Rowlf That's what I thought.
Rowlf concludes the song with a riff. Applause.
Sam the Eagle Why are they laughing?

Dressing room

Kris approaches Rita in the dressing room.
Kris Hey, Rita, we gotta talk about something. You alone?
Rita Yes.
Kris Are you sure?
Rita Sure I'm sure, Kris. You don't see anybody, do you?
Kris No, but around here it doesn't make any difference. Everything on this show walks and talks. Animals, vegetables.
Rock Don't forget about the minerals.
Rock You heard me, buster!
The rock thumps as it walks.
Kris Uh, would you mind leaving us alone for a while, please?
Rock Oh, sure thing. Come on, gang.
The clothesline and umbrellas walk away.
Voices (They want to be alone.) (murmuring) (Let's go wait in the hall.)
Kris Rita, this is a very weird show.
Rita Yes. That was a little strange, but I think you'll find most of the Muppets are pretty normal. Uh, Miss Piggy, Fozzie, Scooter, Kermit.
Gonzo Hi. Hi.
Kris What about this one?
Rita Hello, Gonzo.
Gonzo Hi. Say, how about a couple of autographs?
Rita Sure, I'll get a pen for you.
Gonzo Oh, you don't have to. I already signed them.
Kris You're giving us your autographs, hmm?
Gonzo Yeah. They're really valuable now since my piano-balancing act.
Rita But, uh, Gonzo, you fell.
Gonzo I know! A lot of people think I'm dead now. Isn't that terrific?
He exits. Kris and Rita laugh.

"New York State of Mind"

Nystateofmind.jpg 301-15.jpg
Floyd Pepper, Dr. Teeth, and Zoot perform "New York State of Mind." (Repeated from episode 209)
Waldorf Well, I didn't think l'd live to see it, but, for once, they've given us something other than second-rate entertainment.
Statler What's that?
Waldorf Third-rate entertainment.
They chuckle.


A chicken plays "For Me and My Gal" on the chimes, and quickly gets whacked by a swinging chime.


Floyd Mm-mmm-mmm! That was mighty fine, Gladys. My compliments to the chef.
Gladys (looks down) Hey, he says He liked it.
Floyd Who you talking to?
Gladys The short order cook.
Floyd This place takes itself so literally.
Gladys Of course it does. Hey, you want to see our apple turnover?
Floyd Sure.
Gladys Hey, apple, turn over!
An apple in a fruit bowl turns over. Floyd laughs.
Floyd Hey, I might just slide by later and take a look at the salad dressing.
He and Gladys laugh.
Gladys Hey, hey, what about Animal? He hasn't ordered yet.
Floyd Nah, it's OK. He just finished a TV dinner.
Gladys Well, did he remember to thaw it?
Floyd Thaw it?
Animal munches on a TV set.
Floyd He didn't even unplug it! (laughs)
Animal TV dinner! TV dinner!

"Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee (An Actor's Life for Me)"

Rowlf plays the piano. Fozzie emerges with a top hat.

An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
You sleep till after two.
You promenade with a big cigar,
You tour the world in a private car,
You dine on chicken and caviar,
An actor's life for me! Ha!

Rowlf Okay, what happens now?
Fozzie Oh, now comes the funny part. (exits)
Rowlf Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
Fozzie comes back with a fish.
Fozzie OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Rowlf Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?
Fozzie Oh, just for the halibut. (wiggles his ears)
Rowlf Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.
Fozzie Ha!
He tosses the fish and it splashes.

An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
You sleep till after two.

Rowlf Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
Fozzie No, it doesn't, it needs scenery!
A decorative vaudeville backdrop is lowered.
Rowlf Oh, it's wonderful scenery. But is it funny?
Fozzie OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Rowlf Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for?
Fozzie Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless. (wiggles his ears) "Just for the halibut."
Rowlf Keep trying.
Fozzie (tosses the hoop) Oh, boy.

An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
You sleep till after two.
You promenade with a big cigar,
You tour the world in a private car,
You dine on chicken and caviar,
An actor's life for me!

Both An actor's life for me!

"Song I Like to Sing"

Kermit Well, we've heard one of our guest stars, and then we've heard the other one. Now, let's put 'em together and see what happens. Ladies and gentlemen, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge.
Kris and Rita sing "Song I Like to Sing" with a Latin Whantot backup band as the Muppet monsters dance.


Kermit Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge! Yaaaay!
Kris Thanks for having us, Kermit. It was a lot of fun.
Kermit Oh, good.
Rita Yeah. Kermit, uh, where's Gonzo?
Kermit Gonzo. Oh, he was, uh...
Two mournful chickens carry a figure under a green blanket on a stretcher. Rita lifts the blanket.
Rita Oh, Gonzo.
Gonzo Shh! I'm only pretending. My autographs will be worth a fortune.
Kermit Gonzo!!
The chickens scatter.
Gonzo Well, it was worth a try.
Kermit Good night! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Statler You know, they can improve the whole show if they just change the ending.
Waldorf How?
Statler Put it closer to the beginning.
They chuckle.