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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 302: Leo Sayer.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Leo Sayer! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Sayer!
Leo Thank you, Scooter. (to viewer) You know, I don't really believe this is The Muppet Show. It's so quiet in here, you can almost hear a pin drop.
Bowling pins and balls rain from the sky. Two monsters pass by with bowling balls, laughing.
302 cold open.jpg
Luncheon Counter Monster Strike!
Leo (to viewer) Now, I believe it's The Muppet Show.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Leo Sayer! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Come back here, Statler. If I have to stay and watch this, so do you.
302 horn.jpg
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, white sparks fly out.
Gonzo My teeth!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we're very excited about tonight's guest star because it's not very often that we have any really good rock on the show.
302 intro rock.jpg
Rock Yeah! We rocks are pretty upset by it.
Kermit Uh, I suppose that's true. I guess we've been taking you for granite. (chuckles)
The rock hits him on the flipper.
Kermit Just my luck, a rock with no sense of humor. Get out of here.
He sends the rock rolling off-stage.
Kermit OK, as I was tying to say, here is one of the truly great stars of rock music, the delightful Mr. Leo Sayer, who makes us feel like dancing.
Leo dances with Fletcher Bird and several other Bird Dancers as he sings "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing."
Statler There's something about him reminds me of me when I was young.
Waldorf What is it?
Statler Well, mainly his age.
They chuckle.


Kermit (through intercom) OK, strike that set. Set up the next number.
Miss Piggy Uh, Kermie.
Kermit Hmm?
Miss Piggy May I ask you, uh, what is this "Carbon Paper" number coming up next?
Kermit Oh, oh yeah. That's the song that uh, Annie Sue is doing. Uh, you know, she's a girl singer.
Miss Piggy (pause) Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. I see, I see.
Kermit Yeah, yeah, but, but she's not at all like you, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Well, of course not, Kermie. You said she was a girl singer. I am a woman singer.
Kermit Yeah, yeah. That is true.
302 kermit piggy.jpg
Miss Piggy So, uh, what is, uh... what is she, a chicken? A, what, a goat? She's not a frog, is she?
Kermit Uh, no, no, she's a... well, she's a... she's a... a pig.
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit She's a pig.
Kermit Yeah, but uh, but you're a woman.
Miss Piggy Forget that! Who cares?
Kermit Yeah, but like, like I say, she's nothing like you. I mean, uh, she's, she's very young...
Miss Piggy WHAT?!?
She storms off. He follows her.
Kermit She β€” she's just a kid. Uh, she's very inexperienced. Uh, she's just learning the business, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. I have some things to do.
She goes upstairs. Annie Sue enters, dressed for the next number.
Annie Sue Hello, sir. Do I look all right?
Kermit Oh, Annie Sue, you look wonderful.
302 kermit piggy annie.jpg
Annie Sue Oh, good.
Kermit Oh, Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Uh, would you like to say hello to Annie Sue?
Miss Piggy Oh. Heh. Hello, Annabel.
Annie Sue Miss Piggy! How do you do, ma'am?
Miss Piggy Yes, if you'll both excuse me.
She shuts the door of her dressing room.
Kermit Yeah, she had some things to do.
Loud crashes are heard from inside her dressing room, along with Piggy screaming.
Kermit It sounds like she's doing them now. Uh, I think I better go introduce you.
Annie Sue Oh, sure.
The screaming continues.

"Carbon Paper"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, here to entertain you, the Muppets' delightful little lady of song...
He hears the noises and screaming coming from the dressing room.
Kermit Uh, that is, one of the Muppets' delightful ladies of song, uh, Miss Annie Sue.
302 carbon paper.jpg
Annie Sue

You put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy of your love.
Each dove and pigeon'll
Know who got the original.
Darling, can't you see
What you mean to me?
Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles, winks and nudges.
The love that you gave me was a duplicate with smudges.
Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy β€” Here we go, everybody!

She does a solo tap dance.
Annie Sue

Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles, winks and nudges.
The love that you gave me was a duplicate with smudges.
Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy of β€” (brief tap dance)
Gave me just a second sheet of love!

Waldorf Terrific! I love her.
Statler Well, that little bundle of talent's the only thing that'll keep this show going.
Waldorf Shall we shoot her now before she ruins everything?
They chuckle.


Kermit Hey, that was terrific, Annie Sue.
302 kermit annie sue.jpg
Annie Sue Oh, thank you, sir. I was so nervous.
Kermit Oh, you were wonderful. The audience loved you. You were a smash.
Annie Sue Oh, thank you, sir!
She gives him a kiss, then passes by Piggy.
Miss Piggy Speaking of smash …
Kermit Uh, Miss Piggy …
Miss Piggy Yeah?
Kermit Uh, you know that dramatic recitation you've always wanted to do?
Miss Piggy Of course.
Kermit Uh, well, I want you to do it now.
302 kermit piggy 2.jpg
Miss Piggy Really?
Kermit Mm-hmm. I had the stage all set up out there for you.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermit! I'll... which side did she kiss you on?
Kermit Uh, this one over here.
She kisses him on the other side, then goes onstage. He frowns.

"The Daffodils"

The stage is decorated with daffodils. Piggy enters and reacts to the scenery - and the applause.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh, Kermie, it's beautiful.
She notices Rowlf on the piano at the top.
302 daffodils.jpg
Miss Piggy Oh. Ahem. The Daffodils, by William Wordsworth.
Rowlf plays as she recites.
Miss Piggy

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills.
(sneezes) Ahem. Excuse me.
When all at once I saw a crowd β€”
A host of golden daffodils.

Rowlf (sneezes) Sorry.
Miss Piggy Ahem.

Beside the lake... (sneezes)
Ahem. Beside the tree...

She sneezes some more, ultimately sending Rowlf and the piano reeling off-stage.
Miss Piggy Uh, please excuse me, it's the flow... (sneezes)
The rest of the audience sneezes right back at her, sending her reeling backward. She rushes backstage, where Rowlf looks at his broken piano in disbelief.
Miss Piggy Kermit! … All right, where is El Slimo? Who put the sneezing powder in the flowers?
She sees Kermit.
302 daffodils aftermath.jpg
Miss Piggy And what do you have to say for yourself?
Kermit (sneezes)

"The Show Must Go On"

302 leo bobby animal.jpg
Leo, with Animal on drums and Bobby Benson on banjo, sings "The Show Must Go On." During the instrumental break, a clone of Leo comes out and does a mime juggling act.

UK spot

302 gonzo birds.jpg
Gonzo sings "She Was One of the Early Birds" to a Canary sitting onstage. He is joined by a group of other birds who, when Gonzo refers to himself as "one of the worms," begin to peck at him.

Dressing room

Leo combs his hair. Dr. Teeth approaches.
Dr. Teeth Heyyyy, Leo!
Leo Hey, Dr. Teeth!
They slap each other ten.
Dr. Teeth Ha ha! Hey, That last number was terrific.
Leo Oh, thank you, Dr. Teeth. But you know, it sounded good, but it wasn't quite the arrangement I sent in, y'know.
Dr. Teeth Oh, yeah, well, your arrangements came yesterday. Animal had 'em for lunch.
Leo He ate my arrangements?
Dr. Teeth Well, he certainly couldn't read 'em. When Animal gets anything, he either hits it or eats it. No third alternative.
Leo Interesting. Anyway, it sounded good. Y'know, I'd really like to meet Animal.
Dr. Teeth Hey, you want to meet Animal? That's no problem. one thing, though.
Leo What's that?
Dr. Teeth See that line down there on the floor?
Leo This β€” this line?
Dr. Teeth Yeah, stand behind that line.
Leo Stand behind it?
Dr. Teeth Yeah. That's perfect. Hey, Animal! Come on in here, Animal!
Animal Coming!
The sound of a rattling chain is heard as Animal makes his way over.
Leo Dr. Teeth, why do I have to stand behind the line?
Dr. Teeth 'Cause that's how far his chain reaches.
Leo Oh. (nods)
Animal Leo Sayer!
Leo Aah! It's Animal!
Animal runs in the room, but falls down when he reaches the end of his chain.
302 leo meets animal.jpg
Animal Hah! Hah! Hah! Leo!

Annie Sue meets Piggy

Piggy brushes her hair, humming. Someone knocks on the door.
Miss Piggy Entrez.
Kermit Uh, excuse me, Miss Piggy. Annie Sue is outside.
Miss Piggy Good. She can stay there.
Kermit Aw. Listen, listen, Miss Piggy, she just has something to say to you. Why don't you be nice to her for my sake, 'kay?
Miss Piggy [sigh] All right, Kermie, I shall be nice to her. But just pour vous.
Kermit Aw, thank you.
Miss Piggy Send in the little twerp.
Kermit gives her a blank look.
Miss Piggy I'll be nice.
Kermit OK.
Annie Sue Oh, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy All right.
302 annie in piggy's dressing room.jpg
Annie Sue Oh, I can't believe it. Here I am, face to face with a real superstar. I can actually reach out and touch you.
Miss Piggy [growls]
Annie Sue But I won't.
Miss Piggy Good.
Annie Sue I never thought it could happen. I've been an admirer of yours ever since I was a little baby. Oh!
She admires Piggy's wardrobe.
Annie Sue It was so nice of you to open your door to me.
Miss Piggy Well, ahem, we must do it again sometime, my dear.
Annie Sue Oh, when?
Piggy leads her to the door.
Miss Piggy Well, right now. Do drop in again sometime.
She slams the door. The star falls off of it.
Miss Piggy And put the star back on the door!

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit OK, moving right along, we bring you a few slick tricks with our resident hick, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's theme plays.
Fozzie Aaahhhh! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Love you! Mwah! Love you! Dah … nothing. OK. Uh… with the help of my lovely assistant, Miss Annie Sue Pig...
She comes out to applause.
Fozzie Oh, sure, now, yeah. Uh, I will astonish you all, with, uh... Oh, I forgot what I was gonna do. Oh, yes! A memory act! Aah-ha! How can I forget? Yes, with the help of my lovely assistant, Annie... Annie... Oh, help. Annie Thing-Pig here, yes, I shall now demonstrate my remarkable, nay, photographic memory.
Waldorf Hey, what's a photographic memory?
Statler In your case, a memory that needs developing.
They chuckle.
Fozzie Uh, yeah. Now I shall now ask, uh, Annie... Hoo-Hah Pig here, uh, to close her eyes and then I shall describe what she is wearing. No! Uh, I… I… No, she will β€” I will close my eyes and then, uh, she will desβ€” I will describe what she is... Uh, no, wait…
Waldorf How about we close our eyes and catch some well-earned sleep?
They chuckle.
Fozzie No, no, no, no, I got it, listen. Listen. Uh, Miss... Miss, uh... Thing-Annie-Thing-Thing here... Yes, yes. Uh, she will describe what somebody here is wearing β€” yeah, and with my eyes shut, I will remember where that person is sitting. Uh, drumroll!
A drumroll plays. He shuts his eyes.
Fozzie OK, do it.
Annie Sue OK, the mystery person is wearing … a little brown hat...
Fozzie Yep.
Annie Sue ... a white bowtie...
Fozzie Yep.
Annie Sue ... with red polka dots.
Fozzie Yep. Uh... Well, so, is that all he's wearing? Come on.
Annie Sue Yeah.
Fozzie That's ridiculous. I mean, that β€” that means apart from a hat and a tie, he's bare.
Annie Sue That's right!
Fozzie It is?
Annie Sue It's you!
302 annie sue fozzie.jpg
Fozzie It's me? Of course it's me! Oh, yes, thank you! Yes, yes. Thank you.
Applause. The curtain closes.


Kermit (through the intercom) OK, standby for Leo's last number.
Fozzie Oh, Kermit, I am so embarrassed. I forgot everything out there.
Kermit Oh, don't worry, Fozzie. They loved her.
Fozzie Who?
Kermit Your assistant, Annie Sue.
Fozzie Oh, yeah. I forgot. See? See, it's getting worse. (frets)
Annie Sue They seemed to like it.
Kermit Oh, you were wonderful, Annie Sue.
Piggy watches them from upstairs.
Annie Sue Oh, thank you, Kermit, sir, but I really didn't do that much.
Kermit Oh, well, you just saved Fozzie's act, that's all.
Annie Sue Really?
Kermit Sure.
302 kermit kisses annie sue.jpg
He kisses her on the cheek. Piggy gasps.
Annie Sue Aww! (exits)
Kermit Beats saying that that bear was in a lot of trouble.
Miss Piggy Yeah? Well, now, it's the frog's turn! Hi-YAH!
302 piggy attacks.jpg
Piggy leaps from upstairs and lands on Kermit. They both get up, and she gives him a karate chop which sends him flying on-stage.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!

"When I Need You"

Kermit lands on stage and gets up.
Kermit (meekly) And now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Mr. Leo Sayer.
302 leo bear.jpg
Leo performs "When I Need You" from a tree while being menaced by a bear below him. The bear eventually arranges to have Crazy Harry blow up the tree, knocking it down to his level. He and other Woodland Animals join Leo in finishing the song.


Kermit Well, guys, we started at the beginning and we've come to the end. So right now, let us have a warm thank you to Mr. Leo Sayer! Yaaaaay!
Applause. Leo comes out.
Kermit I loved it!
Leo Thanks, Kermit. It was just wonderful.
Piggy comes out and throws herself upon Leo.
Miss Piggy Oh, Leo, Leo, I just want you to know...
Leo Yeah, excuse me, uh, pig.
Miss Piggy (cont'd) I think you're a wonderful singer, and I think β€” Leo?
302 closing.jpg
Leo Ah, Annie Sue! Hey, you were wonderful, honey. You know, you're really gonna be a big showbiz star. I really feel it.
Annie Sue Oh, thanks, Mr. Sayer.
Miss Piggy Annabel, Annabel, take a bow. (she does so) Good. Now just stand over there, where you won't get hurt.
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Waldorf That was an amazing mess of mediocre mediocrity.
Statler You can say that again.
Waldorf Wanna bet?
They chuckle.