The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 303: Roy Clark.
Cold Open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roy Clark! Yaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. During the bridge, Scooter is in the wings. | |
Scooter | Hey! Somebody kill that light! |
Gunfire is heard. The light falls from above. | |
Gonzo blows his horn and a party favor comes out. | |
Gonzo | Three times! |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Our show is going country tonight because our special guest is one of the world's greatest country music stars, Mr. Roy Clark. And... |
Fozzie enters, interrupting Kermit. He wears a racoon-skin hat and carries various pieces of luggage. | |
Fozzie | To the country. Let's go. Everybody... Kermit, get dressed. To the country! |
Kermit | (interrupting) Wait a minute, wait a minute! Wait, I said the show was going country, just because Roy Clark is our guest. |
Fozzie | Oh, oh yeah, one of my favorite performers. |
Kermit | Yeah, well I didn't mean it would actually be alfresco. |
Fozzie | Oh, he's good too. |
Scooter enters | |
Scooter | Excuse me, Kermit. I thought you should know the stagehands aren't here. |
Scooter leaves | |
Kermit | W-what?! |
Fozzie | Hmm, yeah, yeah. I sent 'em off to the country, yeah. |
Kermit | Fozzie, the show is staying here! |
Fozzie | But they're all in the country waiting for us! |
Kermit | (simultaneously with Fozzie) No! We gotta do the show right here! You can't send the stagehands to the country! |
Fozzie | You said the show was going country! Don't shout, I'm just a bear! I'm trying my best!! I am doing the best I can. Who's gonna shift the scenery? |
Kermit | Fozzie! |
Fozzie | What? |
Kermit | YOU are going to shift the scenery! |
Fozzie | I am going to shift the scenery?! |
Kermit | Fozzie?! |
Fozzie | (facepalming) I am going to shift the scenery. |
Fozzie exits the stage | |
Kermit | (stuttering) Sorry about that, folks. Uh... And now, ladies and gentlemen, the multitudinously talented, Mr. Roy Clark. |
The audience applauds. Fozzie leans into frame | |
Fozzie | What do I do here? |
Kermit | Open the curtains! |
Fozzie | Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes! |
Kermit and Fozzie exit. The curtains waiver a bit as they open. | |
Roy performs "Rocky Top" in a four-square grid, playing different instruments accompanied by the jugband. | |
Waldorf | I wonder how they do that. |
A pair of Statler appears beside him. | |
Statler | Do what? (laughs) |
Backstage[]
The Swedish Chef: Living Dough[]
Backstage[]
Pigs in Space[]
"Yesterday When I Was Young"[]
Roy sings onstage and while sitting above the orchestra pit. Muppy rests beside him as he sings. |
U.K. Spot[]
Fozzie stands in front of some of the show's backdrops, addressing the audience. | |
Fozzie | Oh! Uh, ladies and gentlemen. There's a, uh, situation backstage I think you should know about. You see... |
A quartet of firemen arrive. | |
Fireman 1 | Hey, we're here! |
Fozzie | Oh, the firemen! Oh, yes! |
Fireman 1 | Yeah, yeah, we're here to audition. |
Fozzie | Audition? But, where's your equipment for the fire? You know, the hoses, the axes? |
Fireman 2 | Oh, yeah, we brought one of those. |
Fozzie | You got an axe! |
Fireman 1 | No, an act. |
The firemen laugh as the track to "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire" begins to play. | |
Fozzie | An act? |
Fireman 1 | Yeah, we're The Singing Firemen. |
Fozzie | But, there's a fire over here. |
Fireman 1 | Oh, this is a hot one. He'll love it. |
Fozzie | It needs tending. Will ya'..but listen! |
One fireman escorts him offstage as they begin to sing. | |
Firemen |
I don't want to set the world on fire |
Fozzie | (running by in the background) Fire! |
Fireman 2 |
I just want to start... |
Firemen |
(Ooo, ooo) |
Fireman 2 |
A flame in your heart |
Firemen |
(A flame in your heart) |
Firemen 2 |
In my heart I have but one desire |
Fozzie passes through with a bucket of water. | |
Fozzie | Uh, 'scuse me, guys. Some people have to work around here. 'Scuse me. |
Fireman 2 |
And that what is you... |
Firemen |
(Ooo, ooo) |
Fireman 2 |
No other will do |
Firemen |
(No other will do) |
Fireman 2 |
I've lost all ambition for worldly acclaim |
Firemen |
I just want to be the one you love |
Fozzie | (coughs) |
Fireman 1 |
And with your admission that you feel the same |
Firemen |
I'll have reached the goal I'm dreaming of |
Fozzie | (rushing by with a fire extinguisher) Uh, you don't have to, it started already. |
Firemen |
I just want to start a flame |
Chicken | (offstage, clucking in despair) |
Fozzie | (rushing out with a life preserver) Don't worry, I'll save you! |
Fozzie returns to the stage with the chicken, moaning in the life preserver. | |
Fozzie | Are you proud of yourselves? You made this chicken a nervous wreck! |
The firemen bow as the stage fills with more smoke. |
Talk Spot[]
At the Barn Dance[]
Backstage[]
Gonzo's Act[]
"Sally Was a Good Old Girl"[]
Roy sings "Sally Was a Good Old Girl" in a barn with the jugband, farm animals and others. By the number's end, the set fills with some from backstage. Roy produces a gas mask. |