Kermit
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Uh... few performers are brave or foolhardy enough to tackle the blinding complexity of the following musical number. But here she is, tempting fate, Miss Gilda Radner.
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Open on a ballroom setting. Gilda stands at the top, making her way downstairs as she sings.
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Gilda
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I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information, vegetable, animal and mineral.
I know the kings of England and I quote the fights hysteric,
From Marathon to... [hums]
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Enter the carrot.
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Carrot
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Hold it. Hold it. Maestro, please. (the music stops) You blew it, my child. (aside) Never send a girl in to do a carrot's work.
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Gilda
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(walks up to him angrily) Ooh, if I knew a 12-foot rabbit, you'd really be in trouble.
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Carrot
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Why don't we try an easy one, hmm? Maestro, please.
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A slower tempo plays.
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Carrot
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When a carrot's not engaged in his employment…
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Gilda
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His employment…
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Carrot
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Or maturing his felonious little plans…
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Gilda
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Little plans…
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Carrot
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His capacity for innocent enjoyment…
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Gilda
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...cent enjoyment…
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Carrot
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Is just as great as any honest man.
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Gilda
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Honest man.
Our feelings we with difficulty smother...
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Carrot
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...culty smother …
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Gilda
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When our vegetary duty's to be done.
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Carrot
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To be done.
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Gilda
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I'll take one consideration with another.
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Carrot
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With another.
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Gilda & Carrot
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A carrot's lot is not a happy one.
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Singing vegetables
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(harmonizing)
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The music stops.
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Gilda
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Wait a minute. Who are these guys?
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Carrot
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They're my back-up group. They travel with me everywhere.
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Gilda
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What have you got? A chauffeur-driven shopping cart? (grins)
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Carrot
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Why don't you just stand back and let me show you how it's done.
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The music of "Modern Major General" resumes.
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Carrot
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I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
I've information, vegetation, animable— Oh... (the music stops)
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Gilda
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Hold it, hold it. See, you didn't make it either.
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Carrot
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Maybe I didn't want to make it.
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Gilda
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(mocks what he just said)
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Carrot
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Why don't you sing, Gilda?
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Soft music plays.
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Gilda
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Poor wand'ring one,
Though thou hast surely strayed…
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Carrot
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Take heart of grace, thy steps, retrace.
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Gilda & Carrot
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Poor wand'ring one.
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Carrot
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Poor wand'ring one,
If such poor love as mine …
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Gilda
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Can help me find true peace of mind…
Why, take it, it is...
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Gilda & Carrot
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[vocalizing] … It is thine!
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The music picks up tempo.
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Carrot
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Here we go!
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Gilda
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I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
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Carrot
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I've information, vegetable animal and mineral.
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Gilda
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I know the kings of England...
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Carrot
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And I quote the fights historical...
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Gilda & Carrot
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From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical.
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Gilda
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In military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury…
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Carrot
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Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century.
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Gilda
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But still in matters vegetable…
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Carrot
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Animal and mineral…
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Gilda & Carrot
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I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
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Gilda, Carrot & singing vegetables
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But still in matters vegetable animal and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
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Applause. The carrot accidentally knocks Gilda to the ground while they bow.
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Statler
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You know, usually operetta music puts me right to sleep. (notices Waldorf dozing off) You too, huh? Heh heh.
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