Episode 305: Pearl Bailey/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 305: Pearl Bailey.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Pearl Bailey! Pearl Bailey! 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey!
Pearl	I'll be there, honey, as soon as somebody calls off these oysters.
Oysters	Pearl! Come back to us, Pearl!
Pearl	All right! Back! Back! Heel! Heel!
Pearl	Oh, clam up!
	They laugh.
Pearl	Oh, this is a strange place ...

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey! Yaaaay!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Scooter	Everybody on stage! (stops, realizes) — Everybody is on stage.
Gonzo	I'm not even gonna try it.
	His trumpet blows a note on its own.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, and welcome, again, to The Muppet Show. I can't tell you what a kick I get when I think of all of you out there watching us. You know, it sends a chill right up my spine. Whoo! Uh... There it was, right there. As a matter of fact, here comes another one. Whoo! Uh, uh, uh... That one is for our very special guest star. She is one of the most wonderful stars of the whole entertainment world, and she told me just before the show that her papa was a preacher, which is a wonderful reason for doing the following number. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey!
	Pearl performs "My Soul Is a Witness" with a backup choir of Muppets, including Wayne, Nigel, Zoot, Janice, and some pigs and Whatnots.
Waldorf	Well, how'd you like that?
Statler	I don't know, I'll ask the avocado.
	The avocado appears.
Statler	Well, what'd you think?
Avocado	Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.
Waldorf	That's amazing!
Statler	No, it's not. He's been a Pearl Bailey fan for years.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The Muppet choir passes by Kermit. Dr. Bunsen goes in the other direction.
Kermit	OK, nice number, nice number. Get on stage, Bunsen.
Janice	Oh, wow, Kermit. Like I rully don't believe this weird trip you're putting us on.
Kermit	Uh, what's that, Janice?
Janice	The band tonight just flashed on the closing number.
Kermit	The band just flashed?
Janice	Mm—hmm. Rully. I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I just don't know what space you're coming from.
Kermit	Well, it's just a sort of a regular, backstage space.
Janice	Rully, Kermit, you don't expect us to do that jousting number from Camelot?
Kermit	Um, well, uh, in a word... Yes.
Janice	Ewwwwww. Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something to say on that. Honey, you tell him.
	Floyd emerges in a cumbersome suit of armor.
Floyd	Oh, my little green friend…
Kermit	Huh?
Floyd	… you have much indeed to learn about today's slang.
Kermit	Well, uh, how do you mean, Floyd?
Floyd	Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number...
Kermit	Mmm-hmm...
Floyd	...Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it. (wailing) Look out!
	He collapses on the floor. Kermit yelps and grabs his leg.
Kermit	Fractured flipper. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Tinker, tinker, fiddle... (notices he's on camera) Oh! Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I've got some news here to tickle your fancy. Because here they are, friends, the answer to your prayers. Muppets All-New Edible Paper Clips. Now, the honor of tasting this first batch of delicious paper clips goes, of course, to my helpful and eager assistant, Beaker.
Beaker	(shakes head no) Uh-uh!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, Beaker, what is the matter? Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker. Now you eat these clips this minute! Go on, eat.
	He shrugs, and proceeds to eat some.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	They're not so bad, go ahead.
	Beaker finds he actually likes them.
Beaker	Mmm!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes! Good. Yes, friends, Muppets Edible Paper Clips are delicious, nutritious and nickel-plated. They're handy around the office, and they're wonderful as a TV snack. Furthermore, they are absolutely harmless.
	Beaker's nose falls off.
Beaker	Aah! Meep meep meep meep …
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Or nearly so.
Waldorf	Poor fellow lost his nose.
Statler	Hmm. How will he smell without it?
Waldorf	Same as always...
Statler & Waldorf	Terrible! (they chuckle)

Backstage

Fozzie	Dr. Honeydew, is Beaker all right?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, he'll be fine. I'll just go invent some nose glue. Come on, Beaker.
	Beaker holds his nose in his hand as Bunsen leads him away. Meanwhile, Floyd is still wearing the armor.
Floyd	Yeah, but, hey, I'm talking about serious, Kermit.
Kermit	Mmm-hmm.
Floyd	I mean, why cast me? This knight business is a actor's gig.
Kermit	Yeah.
Floyd	And I am a musician, remember?
Kermit	Yeah, well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part. You see, uh, you're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real honor.
Scooter	The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit. (runs off)
Kermit	Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg!
Floyd	Oh, you need a broken leg? I'll fall on you again. (almost does so)
Kermit	No, no, no. Floyd, no, no. Now, listen, this is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Floyd	Who is the Black Knight?
Kermit	Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
Floyd	Hmm...
	A familiar figure enters, wearing funny-looking armor.
Gonzo	The world will forever wonder who I am.
Kermit	Though some may harbor suspicions.

Chimes

	Two chickens play "The Bells of St. Mary's" on the chimes, knocking them over at the end. They fight with each other.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield hat factory. Reports say that hats are falling all over the...
	Hats immediately fall on him.

Dressing room

	Floyd and Pearl share a laugh.
Floyd	All right.
Pearl	Listen, Floyd, I sure am glad you got out of that iron suit, man.
Floyd	Oh, yeah. That was a stone drag.
Pearl	Oh, it had to be, but I'm telling you, you're lookin' good now with the purple threads.
Floyd	Oh, yeah. My main squeeze gave me this.
Pearl	Oh, you are clever. Ha ha. Listen, come here a minute. I wanna ask you a question.
Floyd	Yeah?
Pearl	Do the rest of the musicians, do they know you're in here?
Floyd	Hmm... no, uh-uh.
Pearl	Well, crazy. Listen. What if you and me, see, or you and I, either one…
	They laugh.
Pearl	What if we did a little number together? And then, if we went over, who knows, we could take over the whole thing.
Floyd	Pearly May...
Pearl	Huh?
Floyd	Nothing would please me more.
Pearl	I thought it would!
	He plays his bass.
Pearl	You jump right into it, man! Let me jump in there with you.
	They sing "In the Good Old Summertime".

UK spot

	Rowlf plays the piano. Fozzie emerges with a top hat.
Fozzie	Hi-diddle-dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane, A watch of gold with a diamond chain. Hi-diddle-dee-doo! You sleep till after two. You promenade with a big cigar, You tour the world in a private car, You dine on chicken and caviar, An actor's life for me! Ha!
Rowlf	Okay, what happens now?
Fozzie	Oh, now comes the funny part. (exits)
Rowlf	Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
	Fozzie comes back with a fish.
Fozzie	OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Rowlf	Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?
Fozzie	Oh, just for the halibut. (wiggles his ears)
Rowlf	Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.
Fozzie	Ha!
	He tosses the fish and it splashes.
Fozzie	Hi-diddle-dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane, A watch of gold with a diamond chain. Hi-diddle-dee-doo! You sleep till after two.
Rowlf	Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
Fozzie	No, it doesn't, it needs scenery!
	A decorative vaudeville backdrop is lowered.
Rowlf	Oh, it's wonderful scenery. But is it funny?
Fozzie	OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Rowlf	Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for?
Fozzie	Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless. (wiggles his ears) "Just for the halibut."
Rowlf	Keep trying.
Fozzie	(tosses the hoop) Oh, boy.
Fozzie	Hi-diddle-dee-dee! An actor's life for me! A high silk hat and a silver cane, A watch of gold with a diamond chain. Hi-diddle-dee-doo! You sleep till after two. You promenade with a big cigar, You tour the world in a private car, You dine on chicken and caviar, An actor's life for me!
Both	An actor's life for me!

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
	Open on Link, drawing on a notepad.
Announcer	When we last left the Swinetrek, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.
Link Hogthrob	Hmm... if the timeless endlessness of eternal space is about that big … and then our spaceship is down here… ...possibly … or...
Miss Piggy	Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner there?
Link Hogthrob	Uh, that's a duckie. … We need to go in this direction up here … or possibly over...
Miss Piggy	Oh, no, no, no! Oh, we're lost! Lost in space. Why won't he admit it? (sobs)
Link Hogthrob	Well, just give me time. I got lost once before and I found my way out.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Lost in the outer galaxies, Link?
Link Hogthrob	No, in a phone booth.
	He tastes the pencil.
Link Hogthrob	Hmm... This pencil is delicious.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	There is no time for that now. We must either find out our position, or we will perish.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Oh, which is it to be, Link?
Link Hogthrob	Prunes. (he starts eating it)
Miss Piggy	Prunes?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Prunes was not a choice!
Link Hogthrob	This is a pencil-shaped prune.
	A readout comes through on the fax machine.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Wait. I see by the readout here … that we are passing through a field of deadly Snacka Waves.
	Dramatic sting.
Link & Piggy	Snacka Waves?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Ja, ja. At this very moment, they are tuning everything aboard this ship into food.
Link Hogthrob	(realizes) My prune pencil!
Miss Piggy	Ridiculous.
	Her head turns into a chocolate cake.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Including this readout, which is now a frozen chicken dinner for two.
	Link and Strangepork devour the readout.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, it's delicious.
	They gasp when they see what's happened to Piggy.
Link Hogthrob	Oh! Wh… what happened?
Miss Piggy	What does it look like?
Link Hogthrob	Chocolate layer cake.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Aha! Dessert!
Link Hogthrob	Desert? Don't you dare desert! [chuckles]
	His head turns into a head of cauliflower.
Miss Piggy	Ha! Ha! Look at old cabbage head.
Link Hogthrob	It's a cauliflower.
	Slurping noises are heard.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Shh. Listen. … The crew have started to eat the ship!
Link Hogthrob	I find that a bit hard to swallow.
Miss Piggy	The crew is eating the ship? Are you going bananas?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	No...
	His head turns into …
Dr. Julius Strangepork	...scallions.
Miss Piggy	Oh, what are we going to do with a half-eaten spacecraft?
Link Hogthrob	Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow?
	Two more crew members enter, with vegetables for heads. Commotion ensues.
Announcer	Be sure to tune in next week for PIGS… ON… TOAST!
	A floating saucepan follows the Swinetrek. Fade out.

Backstage

Kermit	(through the intercom) OK, staging, you can strike that spaceship.
	The food-heads pass Kermit. Piggy still has a cake for a head.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie! Kermie!
Kermit	Why, Piggy! You've never looked better. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy	You're skatin' on thin ice, frog.
Kermit	Uh, yeah.
Miss Piggy	Makeup! Makeup! (runs off)
Kermit	(looks over the rundown) OK.
Scooter	Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief, are we in trouble.
Kermit	Well, what now?
Scooter	Well, you know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot?
Kermit	Of course. That's the show's big finale.
Scooter	Yeah, well, the people that published the — the music from Camelot just called and … they won't let you do it.
Kermit	What?! I was willing to give them credit! I would've given them a big buildup! I would have given anything to do the jousting scene!
Scooter	They want money.
Kermit	(through the intercom) Uh, cancel the jousting scene!
Scooter	Gee whiz, chief! I thought you said we had $14.95 in the cash box.
Kermit	Yeah, well, I spent $13.50 on the suits of armor.
Scooter	What are we gonna do?
Kermit	What can we do? There's only one thing to do!
Scooter	What's that?
Kermit	Whatever comes next.
Scooter	Oh.
	They look at the rundown.

At the Dance

	Couples dance in a ballroom. Mildred dances with a pig.
Mildred	Are you a real professor?
Pig (JH)	Of course. I hold the Chair of Philosophy.
Mildred	Oh? Where's that?
Pig (JH)	Right here.
	He displays a chair. They chuckle. Cut to another couple.
Woman	You seem to have a lot on your mind.
Man	Oh, yeah. I've got a wife and child to support.
	They're on his back. Cut to another couple.
Snake 1	Say... uh … are we poisonous?
Snake 2	I don't know. Why?
Snake 1	Oh, Nothing, really. I… I just bit my tongue.
	Floyd dances with Janice, while Gonzo dances with Camilla.
Janice	Oh, wow. They're not too light on their feet.
Camilla	Ow! Not too light on mine, either.
	Gonzo falls down, taking Camilla, Janice and Floyd with him.
Avocado	Ooh, terrific! Terrific, wonderful!
Waldorf	Say, is your friend, the avocado here, some kind of professional critic?
Statler	Nah. He's just unemployed.
Waldorf	(to avocado) You should go to work. Try to make something of yourself.
Avocado	Oh, like what?
Waldorf	Guacamole!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Fozzie, Gonzo, Janice and Floyd watch Kermit as he paces.
Kermit	Men, this is a command decision. We're going to have to cancel the joust.
	They gasp.
Janice	Bummer.
Gonzo	What?! It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy!
Kermit	It'll be dumb.
Janice	Oh, rully.
Floyd	Hey, no, dig on it. For once, old green stuff speaketh the truth.
Fozzie	No — Kermit!
Gonzo	Kermit, I am sorry to have to do this...
Kermit	What?
Gonzo	…but my career is at stake. Now you move!
	Fozzie and Janice follow Gonzo's lead and shove Kermit on-stage. Gonzo and Floyd stay behind, laughing.
Fozzie	Yes, yes, move, I'll take care of it. Move, Kermit, yes, move!
Floyd	Hey, tell me, just between the two of us, do you really think this will work?
Gonzo	No. Isn't it terrific?

Jousting scene (or something like it)

	Fozzie pushes Kermit.
Fozzie	Come on, just introduce us, okay?
Kermit	Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Fozzie	Okay.
Kermit	Okay. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, we were planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot, uh, but I do think we should cancel this, but...
	Fozzie signals for Gonzo to poke Kermit with his sword.
Kermit	(stammering) But there's been a very pointed argument against canceling.
Fozzie	Hah, good work, Gonzo. (runs off-stage)
Kermit	So, anyhow, wish us luck, folks, because here is our special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey and the Muppet Players in what almost might, sort of, kind of like be considered the jousting scene from Camelot.
	Open on a medieval jousting scene setting.
Muppets	Every duke and earl and peer is here. Everyone who should be here is here. What a smashing, positively dashing spectacle We're here to see today.
	King Rowlf stands between Piggy and Janice.
Rowlf	And now, may I present Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere, who will welcome you, officially, to our annual joust.
	Enter Queen Pearl, to applause and jazzy music.
Pearl	Hello, fellas. Well, hello, fellas! It's so nice to be back home where I belong. You're looking swell, fellas. I can tell, fellas, You're still crowin', you're still growin', You're still goin' strong.
	The Muppets harmonize with her.
Pearl	I feel this room swayin' While the band's playin' One of my old favorite songs of way back when! Oooh! Golly gee, fellas, Find me a vacant knee, fellas, Pearlie will never go away, Pearlie will never go away, Pearlie will never go away again! Ha ha!
	Applause.
Rowlf	Thank you, Your Majesty. And now to introduce the contestants for this year's joust.
	A Whatnot plays "First call".
Scooter	I got the horse right here, his name is Paul Revere, And here's a guy who says if the weather's clear, Can do, can do. This guy says the horse can do.
Fozzie	I got a horse right here, belongs to Guinevere, And I say this horse can do, Can do … can do?
	Floyd and Gonzo prepare for jousting.
Floyd	Anything you can do, I can do better. I can do anything better than you.
Gonzo	No, you can't.
Floyd	Yes, I can.
Gonzo	No, you can't!
Floyd	Yes, I can!
Muppet crowd	(right box) No, he can't!
Muppet crowd	(left box) Yes, he can, yes, he can!
Gonzo	Anything you can be, I can be greater. I can be anything greater than you.
Floyd	No, you can't!
Gonzo	Yes, I can!
Floyd	No, you can't!
Gonzo	Yes, I can!
Muppet crowd	(left box) No, he can't!
Muppet crowd	(right box) Yes, he can, yes, he can!
	Piggy approaches Floyd.
Miss Piggy	A boy like that, who'd kill your brother, Forget that boy and find another.
Piggy & villains	One of your own kind. Stick to your own kind.
	Pearl and Rowlf watch the melee.
Pearl	You know, Rowlf, this don't make any sense at all.
Rowlf	I know, Pearl, but we're stuck with it. Let the joust begin!
	A trumpet fanfare is played as Floyd and Gonzo take their positions.
Gonzo	Thank you Camilla!
Floyd	Giddyup! Whoa!
	The crowd cheers as the jousters charge towards each other. They miss, then turn around, miss again, turn around, and finally collide.
Pearl	Hey, you guys all right down there?
Gonzo	Oh, oh... I'm not sure.
Floyd	How do we look?
	Cue the music.
Pearl	You look swell. You look great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate! Starting here, starting now, Honey, everything's coming up roses and daffodils!
Muppets	Everything's coming up sunshine and Santa Claus!
Pearl	Everything's coming up roses for me …
Pearl & Muppets	And for you!
	Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit	OK. Well, there went another Muppet Show, this one a little more mixed-up than usual.
	Floyd and Gonzo emerge, still sore from wearing their armor.
Gonzo	Mixed-up is not the word.
Floyd	No, twisted is the word!
Kermit	Listen, guys, I'll get you a pair of tin snips in a minute. As soon as I say, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey. Yaaaay!
	Pearl comes out. Applause.
Pearl	You know something, Kermit?
Kermit	Hmm?
Pearl	I can get those guys out of that suit of armor. I'm an expert at it.
Kermit	Oh, really? Did you used to be a costumer?
Pearl	No. I'm a welder. (chuckles)
	She reveals a torch and starts going to work on Gonzo and Floyd.
Kermit	I'm not sure I want to watch this. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The other Muppets clamor onstage as the credits roll.
Fozzie	(during credits) Will you move? Let the crew work, will you? The lady's trying to work.
Statler	I didn't like it.
Waldorf	What'd the avocado think?
Avocado	It's the pits!
	They chuckle. Waldorf gives a slap on the avocado's back, in which the avocado falls backward.