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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 305: Pearl Bailey.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Pearl Bailey! Pearl Bailey! 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Bailey!
Pearl I'll be there, honey, as soon as somebody calls off these oysters.
Oysters Pearl! Come back to us, Pearl!
Pearl All right! Back! Back! Heel! Heel!
Pearl Oh, clam up!
They laugh.
Pearl Oh, this is a strange place ...


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Scooter Everybody on stage! (stops, realizes) — Everybody is on stage.
Gonzo I'm not even gonna try it.
His trumpet blows a note on its own.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome, again, to The Muppet Show. I can't tell you what a kick I get when I think of all of you out there watching us. You know, it sends a chill right up my spine. Whoo! Uh... There it was, right there. As a matter of fact, here comes another one. Whoo! Uh, uh, uh... That one is for our very special guest star. She is one of the most wonderful stars of the whole entertainment world, and she told me just before the show that her papa was a preacher, which is a wonderful reason for doing the following number. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Pearl Bailey!
Pearl performs "My Soul Is a Witness" with a backup choir of Muppets, including Wayne, Nigel, Zoot, Janice, and some pigs and Whatnots.
Waldorf Well, how'd you like that?
Statler I don't know, I'll ask the avocado.
The avocado appears.
Statler Well, what'd you think?
Avocado Ooh, loved it, loved it, loved it.
Waldorf That's amazing!
Statler No, it's not. He's been a Pearl Bailey fan for years.
They chuckle.


The Muppet choir passes by Kermit. Dr. Bunsen goes in the other direction.
Kermit OK, nice number, nice number. Get on stage, Bunsen.
Janice Oh, wow, Kermit. Like I rully don't believe this weird trip you're putting us on.
Kermit Uh, what's that, Janice?
Janice The band tonight just flashed on the closing number.
Kermit The band just flashed?
Janice Mm—hmm. Rully. I mean, you know, Kermit, sometimes I just don't know what space you're coming from.
Kermit Well, it's just a sort of a regular, backstage space.
Janice Rully, Kermit, you don't expect us to do that jousting number from Camelot?
Kermit Um, well, uh, in a word... Yes.
Janice Ewwwwww. Oh, Kermit, Floyd has something to say on that. Honey, you tell him.
Floyd emerges in a cumbersome suit of armor.
Floyd Oh, my little green friend…
Kermit Huh?
Floyd … you have much indeed to learn about today's slang.
Kermit Well, uh, how do you mean, Floyd?
Floyd Well, when I said I wanted to get into something heavy for the final number...
Kermit Mmm-hmm...
Floyd ...Sir knight of the Iron wasn't it. (wailing) Look out!
He collapses on the floor. Kermit yelps and grabs his leg.
Kermit Fractured flipper. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Tinker, tinker, fiddle... (notices he's on camera) Oh! Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I've got some news here to tickle your fancy. Because here they are, friends, the answer to your prayers. Muppets All-New Edible Paper Clips. Now, the honor of tasting this first batch of delicious paper clips goes, of course, to my helpful and eager assistant, Beaker.
Beaker (shakes head no) Uh-uh!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, Beaker, what is the matter? Oh, that's very naughty, Beaker. Now you eat these clips this minute! Go on, eat.
He shrugs, and proceeds to eat some.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew They're not so bad, go ahead.
Beaker finds he actually likes them.
Beaker Mmm!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes! Good. Yes, friends, Muppets Edible Paper Clips are delicious, nutritious and nickel-plated. They're handy around the office, and they're wonderful as a TV snack. Furthermore, they are absolutely harmless.
Beaker's nose falls off.
Beaker Aah! Meep meep meep meep …
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Or nearly so.
Waldorf Poor fellow lost his nose.
Statler Hmm. How will he smell without it?
Waldorf Same as always...
Statler & Waldorf Terrible! (they chuckle)


Fozzie Dr. Honeydew, is Beaker all right?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, he'll be fine. I'll just go invent some nose glue. Come on, Beaker.
Beaker holds his nose in his hand as Bunsen leads him away. Meanwhile, Floyd is still wearing the armor.
Floyd Yeah, but, hey, I'm talking about serious, Kermit.
Kermit Mmm-hmm.
Floyd I mean, why cast me? This knight business is a actor's gig.
Kermit Yeah.
Floyd And I am a musician, remember?
Kermit Yeah, well, Floyd, I wanted you to play the knight because you fit the part. You see, uh, you're the only one of us with real gallantry. The only one of us with real honor.
Scooter The only one of us who'd fit in that iron suit. (runs off)
Kermit Scooter, I needed that like I need a broken leg!
Floyd Oh, you need a broken leg? I'll fall on you again. (almost does so)
Kermit No, no, no. Floyd, no, no. Now, listen, this is a great chance for you. Besides, in the same jousting scene, you get to fight the Black Knight.
Floyd Who is the Black Knight?
Kermit Well, that's part of the fun. You see, no one will know. It's kept a complete and absolute mystery.
Floyd Hmm...
A familiar figure enters, wearing funny-looking armor.
Gonzo The world will forever wonder who I am.
Kermit Though some may harbor suspicions.


Two chickens play "The Bells of St. Mary's" on the chimes, knocking them over at the end. They fight with each other.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet news flash. An explosion has just taken place at the Smithfield hat factory. Reports say that hats are falling all over the...
Hats immediately fall on him.

Dressing room

Floyd and Pearl share a laugh.
Floyd All right.
Pearl Listen, Floyd, I sure am glad you got out of that iron suit, man.
Floyd Oh, yeah. That was a stone drag.
Pearl Oh, it had to be, but I'm telling you, you're lookin' good now with the purple threads.
Floyd Oh, yeah. My main squeeze gave me this.
Pearl Oh, you are clever. Ha ha. Listen, come here a minute. I wanna ask you a question.
Floyd Yeah?
Pearl Do the rest of the musicians, do they know you're in here?
Floyd Hmm... no, uh-uh.
Pearl Well, crazy. Listen. What if you and me, see, or you and I, either one…
They laugh.
Pearl What if we did a little number together? And then, if we went over, who knows, we could take over the whole thing.
Floyd Pearly May...
Pearl Huh?
Floyd Nothing would please me more.
Pearl I thought it would!
He plays his bass.
Pearl You jump right into it, man! Let me jump in there with you.
They sing "In the Good Old Summertime".

UK spot

Rowlf plays the piano. Fozzie emerges with a top hat.

An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
You sleep till after two.
You promenade with a big cigar,
You tour the world in a private car,
You dine on chicken and caviar,
An actor's life for me! Ha!

Rowlf Okay, what happens now?
Fozzie Oh, now comes the funny part. (exits)
Rowlf Well, leaving the stage is funnier than a lot of things the bear does.
Fozzie comes back with a fish.
Fozzie OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the fish for.
Rowlf Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the fish for?
Fozzie Oh, just for the halibut. (wiggles his ears)
Rowlf Eh, you were better off leaving the stage.
Fozzie Ha!
He tosses the fish and it splashes.

An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
You sleep till after two.

Rowlf Hey, Fozzie, this number needs help.
Fozzie No, it doesn't, it needs scenery!
A decorative vaudeville backdrop is lowered.
Rowlf Oh, it's wonderful scenery. But is it funny?
Fozzie OK, now, ask me what I'm carrying the hoop for.
Rowlf Oh, Fozzie, what are you carrying the hoop for?
Fozzie Ah, because Statler and Waldorf are always saying the show is hoopless. (wiggles his ears) "Just for the halibut."
Rowlf Keep trying.
Fozzie (tosses the hoop) Oh, boy.

An actor's life for me!
A high silk hat and a silver cane,
A watch of gold with a diamond chain.
You sleep till after two.
You promenade with a big cigar,
You tour the world in a private car,
You dine on chicken and caviar,
An actor's life for me!

Both An actor's life for me!

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Open on Link, drawing on a notepad.
Announcer When we last left the Swinetrek, it was hopelessly lost in outer space.
Link Hogthrob Hmm... if the timeless endlessness of eternal space is about that big … and then our spaceship is down here… ...possibly … or...
Miss Piggy Excuse me, Link, what's in the corner there?
Link Hogthrob Uh, that's a duckie. … We need to go in this direction up here … or possibly over...
Miss Piggy Oh, no, no, no! Oh, we're lost! Lost in space. Why won't he admit it? (sobs)
Link Hogthrob Well, just give me time. I got lost once before and I found my way out.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Lost in the outer galaxies, Link?
Link Hogthrob No, in a phone booth.
He tastes the pencil.
Link Hogthrob Hmm... This pencil is delicious.
Dr. Julius Strangepork There is no time for that now. We must either find out our position, or we will perish.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, which is it to be, Link?
Link Hogthrob Prunes. (he starts eating it)
Miss Piggy Prunes?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Prunes was not a choice!
Link Hogthrob This is a pencil-shaped prune.
A readout comes through on the fax machine.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Wait. I see by the readout here … that we are passing through a field of deadly Snacka Waves.
Dramatic sting.
Link & Piggy Snacka Waves?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ja, ja. At this very moment, they are tuning everything aboard this ship into food.
Link Hogthrob (realizes) My prune pencil!
Miss Piggy Ridiculous.
Her head turns into a chocolate cake.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Including this readout, which is now a frozen chicken dinner for two.
Link and Strangepork devour the readout.
Link Hogthrob Oh, it's delicious.
They gasp when they see what's happened to Piggy.
Link Hogthrob Oh! Wh… what happened?
Miss Piggy What does it look like?
Link Hogthrob Chocolate layer cake.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Aha! Dessert!
Link Hogthrob Desert? Don't you dare desert! [chuckles]
His head turns into a head of cauliflower.
Miss Piggy Ha! Ha! Look at old cabbage head.
Link Hogthrob It's a cauliflower.
Slurping noises are heard.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Shh. Listen. … The crew have started to eat the ship!
Link Hogthrob I find that a bit hard to swallow.
Miss Piggy The crew is eating the ship? Are you going bananas?
Dr. Julius Strangepork No...
His head turns into …
Dr. Julius Strangepork ...scallions.
Miss Piggy Oh, what are we going to do with a half-eaten spacecraft?
Link Hogthrob Have it cold for sandwiches tomorrow?
Two more crew members enter, with vegetables for heads. Commotion ensues.
Announcer Be sure to tune in next week for PIGS… ON… TOAST!
A floating saucepan follows the Swinetrek. Fade out.


Kermit (through the intercom) OK, staging, you can strike that spaceship.
The food-heads pass Kermit. Piggy still has a cake for a head.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie! Kermie!
Kermit Why, Piggy! You've never looked better. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy You're skatin' on thin ice, frog.
Kermit Uh, yeah.
Miss Piggy Makeup! Makeup! (runs off)
Kermit (looks over the rundown) OK.
Scooter Oh, boy, oh, boy, chief, are we in trouble.
Kermit Well, what now?
Scooter Well, you know how you're planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot?
Kermit Of course. That's the show's big finale.
Scooter Yeah, well, the people that published the — the music from Camelot just called and … they won't let you do it.
Kermit What?! I was willing to give them credit! I would've given them a big buildup! I would have given anything to do the jousting scene!
Scooter They want money.
Kermit (through the intercom) Uh, cancel the jousting scene!
Scooter Gee whiz, chief! I thought you said we had $14.95 in the cash box.
Kermit Yeah, well, I spent $13.50 on the suits of armor.
Scooter What are we gonna do?
Kermit What can we do? There's only one thing to do!
Scooter What's that?
Kermit Whatever comes next.
Scooter Oh.
They look at the rundown.

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom. Mildred dances with a pig.
Mildred Are you a real professor?
Pig (JH) Of course. I hold the Chair of Philosophy.
Mildred Oh? Where's that?
Pig (JH) Right here.
He displays a chair. They chuckle. Cut to another couple.
Woman You seem to have a lot on your mind.
Man Oh, yeah. I've got a wife and child to support.
They're on his back. Cut to another couple.
Snake 1 Say... uh … are we poisonous?
Snake 2 I don't know. Why?
Snake 1 Oh, Nothing, really. I… I just bit my tongue.
Floyd dances with Janice, while Gonzo dances with Camilla.
Janice Oh, wow. They're not too light on their feet.
Camilla Ow! Not too light on mine, either.
Gonzo falls down, taking Camilla, Janice and Floyd with him.
Avocado Ooh, terrific! Terrific, wonderful!
Waldorf Say, is your friend, the avocado here, some kind of professional critic?
Statler Nah. He's just unemployed.
Waldorf (to avocado) You should go to work. Try to make something of yourself.
Avocado Oh, like what?
Waldorf Guacamole!
They chuckle.


Fozzie, Gonzo, Janice and Floyd watch Kermit as he paces.
Kermit Men, this is a command decision. We're going to have to cancel the joust.
They gasp.
Janice Bummer.
Gonzo What?! It'll be fun! It'll be snazzy!
Kermit It'll be dumb.
Janice Oh, rully.
Floyd Hey, no, dig on it. For once, old green stuff speaketh the truth.
Fozzie No — Kermit!
Gonzo Kermit, I am sorry to have to do this...
Kermit What?
Gonzo …but my career is at stake. Now you move!
Fozzie and Janice follow Gonzo's lead and shove Kermit on-stage. Gonzo and Floyd stay behind, laughing.
Fozzie Yes, yes, move, I'll take care of it. Move, Kermit, yes, move!
Floyd Hey, tell me, just between the two of us, do you really think this will work?
Gonzo No. Isn't it terrific?

Jousting scene (or something like it)

Fozzie pushes Kermit.
Fozzie Come on, just introduce us, okay?
Kermit Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Fozzie Okay.
Kermit Okay. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, we were planning to do the jousting scene from Camelot, uh, but I do think we should cancel this, but...
Fozzie signals for Gonzo to poke Kermit with his sword.
Kermit (stammering) But there's been a very pointed argument against canceling.
Fozzie Hah, good work, Gonzo. (runs off-stage)
Kermit So, anyhow, wish us luck, folks, because here is our special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey and the Muppet Players in what almost might, sort of, kind of like be considered the jousting scene from Camelot.
Open on a medieval jousting scene setting.

Every duke and earl and peer is here.
Everyone who should be here is here.
What a smashing, positively dashing spectacle
We're here to see today.

King Rowlf stands between Piggy and Janice.
Rowlf And now, may I present Her Royal Majesty, Queen Guinevere, who will welcome you, officially, to our annual joust.
Enter Queen Pearl, to applause and jazzy music.

Hello, fellas.
Well, hello, fellas!
It's so nice to be back home where I belong.
You're looking swell, fellas.
I can tell, fellas,
You're still crowin', you're still growin',
You're still goin' strong.

The Muppets harmonize with her.

I feel this room swayin'
While the band's playin'
One of my old favorite songs of way back when!
Oooh! Golly gee, fellas,
Find me a vacant knee, fellas,
Pearlie will never go away,
Pearlie will never go away,
Pearlie will never go away again!
Ha ha!

Rowlf Thank you, Your Majesty. And now to introduce the contestants for this year's joust.
A Whatnot plays "First call".

I got the horse right here, his name is Paul Revere,
And here's a guy who says if the weather's clear,
Can do, can do.
This guy says the horse can do.


I got a horse right here, belongs to Guinevere,
And I say this horse can do,
Can do … can do?

Floyd and Gonzo prepare for jousting.

Anything you can do, I can do better.
I can do anything better than you.

Gonzo No, you can't.
Floyd Yes, I can.
Gonzo No, you can't!
Floyd Yes, I can!
Muppet crowd (right box) No, he can't!
Muppet crowd (left box) Yes, he can, yes, he can!

Anything you can be, I can be greater.
I can be anything greater than you.

Floyd No, you can't!
Gonzo Yes, I can!
Floyd No, you can't!
Gonzo Yes, I can!
Muppet crowd (left box) No, he can't!
Muppet crowd (right box) Yes, he can, yes, he can!
Piggy approaches Floyd.
Miss Piggy

A boy like that, who'd kill your brother,
Forget that boy and find another.

Piggy & villains

One of your own kind.
Stick to your own kind.

Pearl and Rowlf watch the melee.
Pearl You know, Rowlf, this don't make any sense at all.
Rowlf I know, Pearl, but we're stuck with it. Let the joust begin!
A trumpet fanfare is played as Floyd and Gonzo take their positions.
Gonzo Thank you Camilla!
Floyd Giddyup! Whoa!
The crowd cheers as the jousters charge towards each other. They miss, then turn around, miss again, turn around, and finally collide.
Pearl Hey, you guys all right down there?
Gonzo Oh, oh... I'm not sure.
Floyd How do we look?
Cue the music.

You look swell. You look great.
Gonna have the whole world on a plate!
Starting here, starting now,
Honey, everything's coming up roses and daffodils!

Muppets Everything's coming up sunshine and Santa Claus!
Pearl Everything's coming up roses for me …
Pearl & Muppets And for you!


Kermit OK. Well, there went another Muppet Show, this one a little more mixed-up than usual.
Floyd and Gonzo emerge, still sore from wearing their armor.
Gonzo Mixed-up is not the word.
Floyd No, twisted is the word!
Kermit Listen, guys, I'll get you a pair of tin snips in a minute. As soon as I say, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Pearl Bailey. Yaaaay!
Pearl comes out. Applause.
Pearl You know something, Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Pearl I can get those guys out of that suit of armor. I'm an expert at it.
Kermit Oh, really? Did you used to be a costumer?
Pearl No. I'm a welder. (chuckles)
She reveals a torch and starts going to work on Gonzo and Floyd.
Kermit I'm not sure I want to watch this. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets clamor onstage as the credits roll.
Fozzie (during credits) Will you move? Let the crew work, will you? The lady's trying to work.
Statler I didn't like it.
Waldorf What'd the avocado think?
Avocado It's the pits!
They chuckle. Waldorf gives a slap on the avocado's back, in which the avocado falls backward.