Gonzo's about to blow his trumpet, but Kermit blasts a trumpet directly behind him.
Opening number[]
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show -- the show that they said would never get off the ground. (looks down) Uh, they were right. But, we are indeed fortunate to have with us as our special guest, a wonderful actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton. And we —
Fozzie
Uh, Kermit, excuse me, excuse me. Listen.
Kermit
What is it, Fozzie?
Fozzie
(giggling) I gotta tell you what happened.
Kermit
Mm-hmm.
Fozzie
Yeah, wh— when we were booking Jean for the show, I was expecting a call from my tailor.
Kermit
Your tailor?
Fozzie
Yeah, yeah. So, when a guy phoned and asked me if I'd like Jean Stapleton, I said that I don't wear jeans, and I certainly wouldn't want them stapled on. Stapleton. Jeans. (wiggles his ears) Ears. Ahhh. (to Kermit) Help me. (covers his face) Is it too late to go into hibernation?
Kermit
Yes, by about two minutes.
Fozzie
Gotcha. (he waves and exits as his fanfare plays)
Kermit
Uh, well, we'd like to get the show off to a great start, but having failed that, let's head for the border!
Open on a Latin village setting, where Annie Sue sings "Tico Tico", accompanied by other pigs. During the instrumental break, the pigs toss Annie Sue up and down on a blanket. A pig with a camera stops to take a picture. A soldier with a gun pokes him to move on. The pig with the camera takes a picture of the soldier.
Waldorf
Am I crazy, or was that good?
Statler
You're crazy.
Waldorf
I thought so.
Backstage[]
Annie Sue and the pigs go by.
Kermit
Okay, nice number.
Photographer Pig
Tico Tico! (takes a picture of Kermit) Hahaha!
Kermit
No pictures backstage! Out, out!
The pigs exit. Gonzo approaches, wearing a Mexican sombrero.
Gonzo
Buenos dias, Señor Kermit.
Kermit
Ah, Gonzo -- you weren't in that last number, were you?
Gonzo
No, I'm learning Spanish for my new act.
Kermit
(losing interest, looking at his notes) Oh, okay.
Gonzo
Yeah, you see, you have to learn Spanish if you're gonna train Mexican jumping beans.
Kermit
Uh, makes sense.
Gonzo
Gracias. I'm gonna go rehearse now. (walks away)
Kermit
Right. Adios!
Gonzo
(comes back) What?
Kermit
Uh, goodbye.
Gonzo
Ah. Goodbye. Adios. Whatever.
Gonzo exits. Crazy Harry walks by, snickering. Kermit looks after him. Gonzo rushes back in, holding a plate.
Gonzo
Kermit! Look! They're gone! My Mexican jumping beans were in this dish, and they're gone!
Kermit
Oh. Well, maybe, uh, somebody ate them.
Gonzo
Ate my stars? Kermit! It wasn't you, was it?
Kermit
Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.
Animal passes by.
Gonzo
I know how to find out. All I have to do is say "Arriba".
Twang! Animal jumps and yelps.
Gonzo
Arriba! (twang!) Arriba. (twang!) Animal!
Animal
What?
Gonzo
Come back here! (chases after him)
Animal
Ha, ha ha!
Gonzo
You ate my stars!
Kermit
Animal, you gotta get on stage for the band!
Gonzo is now being chased by Animal.
Gonzo
Animal! What? What's going on?
Animal
Arriba! (twang!) Arriba! (twang!)
Kermit and Animal exit.
Gonzo
Oh. I hope he doesn't eat my waltzing walnuts.
He smashes his plate on the floor.
"Play a Simple Melody"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our very special guest star, comedienne, actress, singer and very nice lady, Miss Jean Stapleton!
The band plays an orchestral vamp as the curtain opens. Jean walks over to them.
Jean
Please, uh, gentlemen, lady...
Rowlf
What?
Zoot
What's goin' on?
Floyd
What seems to be the problem, Jean?
Jean
Well, uh, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music. May I see it, please? Thank you.
Rowlf
(hands it to her) Yeah, well, it seems normal to me.
Floyd
Yeah, just your ordinary, very elaborate pretentious orchestration. What's it called?
Jean
"Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras".
The band chuckles.
Jean
Uh, couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?
Floyd
Well, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff? (hums a conga tune)
Zoot
Arriba! (Animal jumps)
The band chuckles.
Floyd
No, no Latin stuff tonight.
Jean
No. No, thank you. Uh — it's that sweet, simple duet that I rehearsed with Fozzie. Where is Fozzie?
Rowlf
Oh, I know how that one goes. It goes like this... (plays the piano)
Jean
Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.
The rest of the band joins him. Jean sings "Play a Simple Melody" and struts with her umbrella.
Jean
Fozzie? Fozzie?
Fozzie
Here I am, Jean.
Jean
You forgot something.
Fozzie
Oh, I never forget.
Jean
Where's your ukulele?
Fozzie
Oh, I forgot!
Jean
You're a dingbat.
Fozzie
(takes it out and starts strumming) I was only kidding. Go!
Jean and Fozzie continue the song.
Fozzie
Come on, everybody! Sing! (everyone joins in) … In the balcony now! … Now you!
Jean
I wanna listen to rag!
Fozzie
Me! I wanna listen to rag! Now everyone!
All
I wanna listen to rag!
Applause. Jean hugs Fozzie.
Statler
Boy, that number was something else!
Waldorf
You mean it was good?
Statler
No, it was something else.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Kermit looks over a statement at his desk.
Kermit
OK, 13 and 75...
Gladys slides the door panel open.
Gladys
Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog!
Kermit
Uh, Gladys, I didn't order a sandwich.
Gladys
What?!
She closes the panel and opens the door.
Gladys
Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now who was it?
Kermit
Uh, well, I don't know. You'll have to ask around.
Gladys
I'm too busy. You do it.
Kermit
Uh, Gladys, I'm tying to put on a show.
Gladys
Well, big deal! Look, I got a full grill downstairs. Got six burgers on, couple of steaks and two lobsters.
Kermit
Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?
Gladys
They're not on the menu. The lobsters ordered the steak!
Kermit
Well - why don't you just leave the sandwich?
Gladys
It ain't been paid for yet.
Kermit
Well, you can charge it to the show.
Gladys
What, are you nuts?
Kermit
Well, take it back! Sell it to somebody else!
Gladys
Who's gonna buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?
Kermit
(groans) Walnut and lima bean, is that what it is?
Gladys
Yeah.
Kermit
Gonzo, your lunch is here!
Gonzo
(aghast) Yasa-how-ah! Take it back.
Gladys
What's the matter with it?
Gonzo
Heh. You forgot the jelly. (exits)
Gladys
Show business! (facepalms)
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
Pig #1 (RH)
Oh, I'm so happy.
Pig #2 (RH)
Why's that?
Pig #1 (RH)
Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek. (laughs)
It's revealed that his partner is a two-headed pig. Switch to Slim Wilson and Louise.
Slim Wilson
Hey, waiter, can you break a ten?
Waiter
Certainly. (rips the dollar bill in half) Don't mention it.
Slim Wilson
I wish I hadn't.
Switch to Bunsen and his partner, who doesn't have a mouth.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, I see you don't have much to say.
Kermit, dancing with Miss Mousey, observes the two.
Kermit
Uh, I don't understand that.
Miss Mousey
You have to think about it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
(snickers)
Switch to another couple.
Blue Whatnot
Wait a minute! You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.
Purple Whatnot
Yes, it's my herring aid.
Blue Whatnot
Transistorized?
Purple Whatnot
No, marinated.
Back to Bunsen and Kermit.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
(to his partner) I see you still don't have much to say.
Kermit
(to Miss Mousey) Um, I've thought about it. I still don't understand it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
(snickers)
Switch to another couple.
Green Whatnot
Oh, Laticia, I love you.
Laticia
Say, are you pulling my leg?
Green Whatnot
No, why?
Laticia
It just dropped off. (they both collapse)
Kermit
(observing) I don't get that either.
UK spot[]
Annie Sue sits on the piano.
Annie Sue
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I would now like to sing a very pretty little song, accompanied by my doggy friend.
Rowlf plays the piano.
Annie Sue
I love my little cat, I do. It's coat is oh so warm. It comes each day with me to school, and sits upon the form. When teacher says "Why do you bring that little pet of yours?" I tell her that I bring my cat along with me because … Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf
(begrudgingly) Bow wow…
Annie Sue
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf
(begrudgingly) Bow wow…
Annie Sue
I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that, But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow!
Rowlf
I can't go on. It's humiliating to be called a "bow wow".
Annie Sue
But it's only a song, Rowlf.
Rowlf
I refuse to do it, Miss Oink Oink.
A tough pig emerges, wielding a club at Rowlf.
Tough Pig (DG)
Sing, flea-bait.
Rowlf
Uh, yes sir.
Annie Sue
I'll be so glad when I get old, to do just as I please. I'll have a dozen bow wows then, a parrot and some bees. Whene'er I see a little pet, I'll kiss the tiny thing. 'Twill remind me of the time gone by, when I would cry and sing… Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf
Bark bark.
Annie Sue
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf
Meow.
Annie Sue
I've got a little cat, I am very fond of that, But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow, wow! Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf
Oink oink.
Annie Sue
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf
(notices the tough pig) Bow wow.
Annie Sue
I've got a little cat, I am very fond of that, But I'd rather have a bow wow wow!
Applause.
Talk spot[]
Sam the Eagle
Uh, Miss Stapleton, I hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavory program.
Jean
Oh. (chuckles)
Sam the Eagle
I mean, you obviously are a woman whose taste is impeccable.
Jean
Oh, thank you.
Sam the Eagle
Hmm.
Jean
But really, I'm enjoying it very much.
Sam the Eagle
Hmm?
Jean
I'm having a lot of fun. I guess that means my taste is, um... peccable.
Sam the Eagle
Peccable. (aside) What does "peccable"…
Jean
Oh, speaking of language, can I ask you a question about the Swedish Chef?
Sam the Eagle
The Swedish Chef? Huh! What about him?
Jean
Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish.
Sam the Eagle
He what?! He—
Jean
No, he doesn't.
Sam the Eagle
He... Uh, send in the Chef! Send in the Chef! Imagine. All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?
Jean
Well, don't be too hard on him.
Sam the Eagle
Well, I have never... Where is he?
Swedish Chef
(enters speaking mock Swedish)
Jean
Oh. He said he got here as soon as he could.
Swedish Chef
(nods) Jå.
Sam the Eagle
Well... Well, you tell him that from now... (pause) How do you know what he said?
Jean
Oh, I took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.
Sam the Eagle
Hmm.
Jean
(says something to the Chef in mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef
(replies in mock Swedish)
Jean
(to Sam) Oh, he admits the whole thing.
Sam the Eagle
Mmm.
Jean
He says he doesn't speak real Swedish.
Sam the Eagle
Hmm. Well, you tell him that this must end. He must stop speaking mock Swedish, and speak honestly and normally.
Jean
Oh, all right. (to Chef) Well... (mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef
(replies in mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle
What?
Jean
Aww. He admits the error of his ways. And he says from now on he'll speak only in his native tongue.
(through the intercom) Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.
Piggy appears behind him, growling.
Kermit
Miss Piggy, what are you doing here? You're not even in the melodrama.
Miss Piggy
Mm-hmm. You are not the first to notice.
Kermit
Uh, but — but Miss Piggy, I never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.
Miss Piggy
(raises fist) I've thought of putting you in the hospital.
Kermit
Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama, it's just a small part.
Miss Piggy
How small?
Kermit
It's a very small part, and I can't give a very small part like that to a big star like you.
Miss Piggy
Oh, well, hmm... I see your point.
Kermit
Yeah, so I thought I'd give it to Annie Sue. She needs experience.
Miss Piggy
She needs talent.
Annie Sue
Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama!
Kermit
Bu — but, Annie Sue, it's your first chance at a dramatic role.
Annie Sue
I know, but I'm too scared. (cries)
Kermit
(comforts her) Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.
Miss Piggy
All right, all right, break! Give it a rest, frog! (to Annie) Excuse us. Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional. Annie Sue, go to your room.
Annie Sue exits, sobbing.
Miss Piggy
Oh, brother.
Kermit
But — but Miss Piggy —
Miss Piggy
I will save the show, Kermie. The part shall be played by moi.
Kermit
Uh... by you, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Yes.
Kermit
OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy to the railroad tracks.
Two stagehands carry her away. She protests.
Miss Piggy
What?!? Move it — oh! Will you get your hands — what's going on??
Muppet Melodrama[]
The curtain opens on a railroad track with Piggy tied to it. Uncle Deadly stands over her, laughing.
Uncle Deadly
Now, for the last time, will you marry me?
The audience boos and hisses.
Miss Piggy
For the last time, never, you scoundrel! Oh, where is my hero?
Wayne
Never fear, my pet! I will save you.
The audience cheers.
Miss Piggy
My hero! — Wayne?
Uncle Deadly
Curses, foiled again.
Wayne
Say! Isn't this a double-overhand knot?
Miss Piggy
What?
Uncle Deadly
Yes, it is.
Wayne
I haven't seen one of those since I left the Junior Swamp Scouts.
Remember? The rabbit runs around the tree twice, and then goes in his hole.
Uncle Deadly
(nods) Ohhhh. Now I get it.
Miss Piggy
Who cares?
A train approaches. Wayne tightens the knot.
Wayne
There. She'll never get out of that.
He and Deadly laugh and depart the scene.
Uncle Deadly
You remember little Melvin McCormick?
Miss Piggy
Hey! Hey, guys! Hey! Hey... Oh, that does it!
She props herself up, removing the rail from the track. She hobbles away.
Miss Piggy
Where's that frog? Where's that frog?
Backstage[]
Miss Piggy
Kermit!! Kermit, of all the lousy cheap shots you ever pulled on me...
Kermit
(sarcastically) I know, Miss Piggy. I'm — I'm sorry. I didn't realize that sit — that, that whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand. Oh, please forgive me.
Miss Piggy
Hi-YAH! (swats him with the railroad track) You're forgiven. (swats him again) Wardrobe!
Muppet Labs[]
Beaker
(sighs)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.
Beaker
(perks up)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Many people suffer the embarrassment of being ridiculously tall and spindly. Isn't that right, Beaker?
Beaker
"Mee mee mee mee me?"
He empties a bottle of pills and tosses it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill. Ahem. Take one, Beaker.
He downs the pills, then shrinks.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Not the whole bottle!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
… Oh dear. Ahem. Well, I guess that's all for today from Muppet Labs.
Mini-Beaker crawls up Bunsen's leg, tickling him.
Backstage[]
Bunsen passes by Kermit. Jean comes out of her dressing room.
Kermit
(through the intercom) Okay, strike the Muppet Labs set, please.
Jean
Kermit, could I see you for a minute?
Kermit
Oh, sure, Jean.
Jean
It's about this next number. I really would rather not do it.
Kermit
You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates and the chickens playing bagpipes and you're dancing with a seven foot doorknob?
Jean
(nods) Mm-hm. It's just one cliché after another.
Kermit
I… I see what you mean.
Jean
I'll tell you what I'd really like to do.
Kermit
What's that?
Jean
Another duet, with my favorite Muppet.
Kermit
(grins) Aww. Heh, well, that's very nice. That's a delightful idea.
Jean
Oh, good, good. Now where's Crazy Harry?
Kermit
Crazy Harry? Why, that's suicidal!
Crazy Harry shows up, laughing.
Jean
There you are, you cute thing!
Kermit
Jean, Jean, I don't know what you're planning to do, but whatever it is, it is not safe.
Jean
Oh, no, this is a wonderful idea.
Crazy Harry
It's a musical number. (laughs)
Jean
(laughs)
Kermit
A musical number?
Crazy Harry
Yes!
Jean
Yes, yes.
Kermit
Well... I guess as long as it's musical, it's okay.
Jean
Oh! You darling! (kisses Kermit) Now listen, is the boiler set up?
Crazy Harry
It's beautiful. All set. (laughs)
Jean
Great. Go ahead, get ready.
Kermit
The boiler?
Crazy Harry
I'll get up the steam. (laughs)
Jean
(laughs)
Kermit
Jean, I didn't even know that Crazy Harry played a musical instrument.
Jean
Oh, yes.
Kermit
Which one?
Jean
The explodaphone. (tingles)
Kermit
Explodaphone? Jean, you could get killed!
Jean
Oh, Kermit, listen. I'm not new to this business. I've been all over the world.
Kermit
You might be again.
Jean
Listen, don't worry. You're gonna love it. (laughs, goes onstage)
Kermit
Well, uh, I may not love it, but uh, I'll introduce it.
"I'm Just Wild About Harry"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Uh, and now, once again, here she is, taking her life into her own hands … uh … and throwing it away … ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton.
The curtain opens on the explodaphone. Jean sings "I'm Just Wild About Harry" as Crazy Harry sets off several explosions around her.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, those of you with nervous dispositions will be very happy to know that we have reached the end of The Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our courageous guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton. Yaaaayy!
Applause.
Jean
Thank you, Kermit. I really got a kick out of it.
Crazy Harry
Did someone say "Kick out of it?"
BOOM! He sets off his detonator, startling the other Muppets.
Kermit
Uh, Crazy Harry, you're not supposed to set those off if somebody says just anything.
Crazy Harry
Did someone say "Just anything"? (BOOM! Another bomb goes off, and Jean laughs)