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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 306: Jean Stapleton.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Jean Stapleton? Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Stapleton.
Jean Thank you.
Two headed girl Good luck, Miss Stapleton. (the other head echoes)
Jean (shaking one hand) Thank you. (shaking the other hand) Thank you.
The two-headed girl walks off. Jean looks uneasy.
Jean There's just one thing I've got to remember. (puts her hands on the desk) I -- am -- normal.
She gasps and realizes she has three hands.
Jean Jean, get a grip on yourself.
One hand grabs her throat and she struggles.
Jean Oh, no, I didn't mean that! No, please!


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Miss Jean Stapleton! Yaaaaayy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Think we'll be entertained tonight?
Statler I will. I brought a book.
306 horn.jpg
Gonzo's about to blow his trumpet, but Kermit blasts a trumpet directly behind him.

Opening number

Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show -- the show that they said would never get off the ground. (looks down) Uh, they were right. But, we are indeed fortunate to have with us as our special guest, a wonderful actress and television star, Miss Jean Stapleton. And we —
Fozzie Uh, Kermit, excuse me, excuse me. Listen.
Kermit What is it, Fozzie?
Fozzie (giggling) I gotta tell you what happened.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Fozzie Yeah, wh— when we were booking Jean for the show, I was expecting a call from my tailor.
Kermit Your tailor?
Fozzie Yeah, yeah. So, when a guy phoned and asked me if I'd like Jean Stapleton, I said that I don't wear jeans, and I certainly wouldn't want them stapled on. Stapleton. Jeans. (wiggles his ears) Ears. Ahhh. (to Kermit) Help me. (covers his face) Is it too late to go into hibernation?
Kermit Yes, by about two minutes.
Fozzie Gotcha. (he waves and exits as his fanfare plays)
Kermit Uh, well, we'd like to get the show off to a great start, but having failed that, let's head for the border!
Open on a Latin village setting, where Annie Sue sings "Tico Tico", accompanied by other pigs. During the instrumental break, the pigs toss Annie Sue up and down on a blanket. A pig with a camera stops to take a picture. A soldier with a gun pokes him to move on. The pig with the camera takes a picture of the soldier.
Waldorf Am I crazy, or was that good?
Statler You're crazy.
Waldorf I thought so.


Annie Sue and the pigs go by.
Kermit Okay, nice number.
Photographer Pig Tico Tico! (takes a picture of Kermit) Hahaha!
Kermit No pictures backstage! Out, out!
The pigs exit. Gonzo approaches, wearing a Mexican sombrero.
Gonzo Buenos dias, Señor Kermit.
Kermit Ah, Gonzo -- you weren't in that last number, were you?
Gonzo No, I'm learning Spanish for my new act.
Kermit (losing interest, looking at his notes) Oh, okay.
Gonzo Yeah, you see, you have to learn Spanish if you're gonna train Mexican jumping beans.
Kermit Uh, makes sense.
Gonzo Gracias. I'm gonna go rehearse now. (walks away)
Kermit Right. Adios!
Gonzo (comes back) What?
Kermit Uh, goodbye.
Gonzo Ah. Goodbye. Adios. Whatever.
Gonzo exits. Crazy Harry walks by, snickering. Kermit looks after him. Gonzo rushes back in, holding a plate.
Gonzo Kermit! Look! They're gone! My Mexican jumping beans were in this dish, and they're gone!
Kermit Oh. Well, maybe, uh, somebody ate them.
Gonzo Ate my stars? Kermit! It wasn't you, was it?
Kermit Uh, no, Gonzo, it wasn't me.
Animal passes by.
Gonzo I know how to find out. All I have to do is say "Arriba".
Twang! Animal jumps and yelps.
Gonzo Arriba! (twang!) Arriba. (twang!) Animal!
Animal What?
Gonzo Come back here! (chases after him)
Animal Ha, ha ha!
Gonzo You ate my stars!
Kermit Animal, you gotta get on stage for the band!
Gonzo is now being chased by Animal.
Gonzo Animal! What? What's going on?
Animal Arriba! (twang!) Arriba! (twang!)
Kermit and Animal exit.
Gonzo Oh. I hope he doesn't eat my waltzing walnuts.
He smashes his plate on the floor.

"Play a Simple Melody"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our very special guest star, comedienne, actress, singer and very nice lady, Miss Jean Stapleton!
The band plays an orchestral vamp as the curtain opens. Jean walks over to them.
Jean Please, uh, gentlemen, lady...
Rowlf What?
Zoot What's goin' on?
Floyd What seems to be the problem, Jean?
Jean Well, uh, that music, it doesn't seem to be the right music. May I see it, please? Thank you.
Rowlf (hands it to her) Yeah, well, it seems normal to me.
Floyd Yeah, just your ordinary, very elaborate pretentious orchestration. What's it called?
Jean "Elaborate Pretensions for Orchestras".
The band chuckles.
Jean Uh, couldn't we just do that nice, simple piece?
Floyd Well, how about a nice, simple Latin American riff? (hums a conga tune)
Zoot Arriba! (Animal jumps)
The band chuckles.
Floyd No, no Latin stuff tonight.
Jean No. No, thank you. Uh — it's that sweet, simple duet that I rehearsed with Fozzie. Where is Fozzie?
Rowlf Oh, I know how that one goes. It goes like this... (plays the piano)
Jean Oh, yes. Thank you. That's it.
The rest of the band joins him. Jean sings "Play a Simple Melody" and struts with her umbrella.
Jean Fozzie? Fozzie?
Fozzie Here I am, Jean.
Jean You forgot something.
Fozzie Oh, I never forget.
Jean Where's your ukulele?
Fozzie Oh, I forgot!
Jean You're a dingbat.
Fozzie (takes it out and starts strumming) I was only kidding. Go!
Jean and Fozzie continue the song.
Fozzie Come on, everybody! Sing! (everyone joins in) … In the balcony now! … Now you!
Jean I wanna listen to rag!
Fozzie Me! I wanna listen to rag! Now everyone!
All I wanna listen to rag!
Applause. Jean hugs Fozzie.
Statler Boy, that number was something else!
Waldorf You mean it was good?
Statler No, it was something else.
They chuckle.


Kermit looks over a statement at his desk.
Kermit OK, 13 and 75...
Gladys slides the door panel open.
Gladys Sandwich! Here's your sandwich, frog!
Kermit Uh, Gladys, I didn't order a sandwich.
Gladys What?!
She closes the panel and opens the door.
Gladys Look, somebody ordered a sandwich from the canteen. Now who was it?
Kermit Uh, well, I don't know. You'll have to ask around.
Gladys I'm too busy. You do it.
Kermit Uh, Gladys, I'm tying to put on a show.
Gladys Well, big deal! Look, I got a full grill downstairs. Got six burgers on, couple of steaks and two lobsters.
Kermit Lobsters? Since when are they on the menu?
Gladys They're not on the menu. The lobsters ordered the steak!
Kermit Well - why don't you just leave the sandwich?
Gladys It ain't been paid for yet.
Kermit Well, you can charge it to the show.
Gladys What, are you nuts?
Kermit Well, take it back! Sell it to somebody else!
Gladys Who's gonna buy a walnut lima bean sandwich?
Kermit (groans) Walnut and lima bean, is that what it is?
Gladys Yeah.
Kermit Gonzo, your lunch is here!
Gonzo (aghast) Yasa-how-ah! Take it back.
Gladys What's the matter with it?
Gonzo Heh. You forgot the jelly. (exits)
Gladys Show business! (facepalms)

At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
Pig #1 (RH) Oh, I'm so happy.
Pig #2 (RH) Why's that?
Pig #1 (RH) Because we're out together dancing cheek to cheek to cheek. (laughs)
It's revealed that his partner is a two-headed pig. Switch to Slim Wilson and Louise.
Slim Wilson Hey, waiter, can you break a ten?
Waiter Certainly. (rips the dollar bill in half) Don't mention it.
Slim Wilson I wish I hadn't.
Switch to Bunsen and his partner, who doesn't have a mouth.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, I see you don't have much to say.
Kermit, dancing with Miss Mousey, observes the two.
Kermit Uh, I don't understand that.
Miss Mousey You have to think about it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (snickers)
Switch to another couple.
Blue Whatnot Wait a minute! You've got a fish sticking out of your ear.
Purple Whatnot Yes, it's my herring aid.
Blue Whatnot Transistorized?
Purple Whatnot No, marinated.
Back to Bunsen and Kermit.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (to his partner) I see you still don't have much to say.
Kermit (to Miss Mousey) Um, I've thought about it. I still don't understand it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (snickers)
Switch to another couple.
Green Whatnot Oh, Laticia, I love you.
Laticia Say, are you pulling my leg?
Green Whatnot No, why?
Laticia It just dropped off. (they both collapse)
Kermit (observing) I don't get that either.

UK spot

Annie Sue sits on the piano.
Annie Sue Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. I would now like to sing a very pretty little song, accompanied by my doggy friend.
Rowlf plays the piano.
Annie Sue

I love my little cat, I do. It's coat is oh so warm.
It comes each day with me to school, and sits upon the form.
When teacher says "Why do you bring that little pet of yours?"
I tell her that I bring my cat along with me because …
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!

Rowlf (begrudgingly) Bow wow…
Annie Sue Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf (begrudgingly) Bow wow…
Annie Sue

I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that,
But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow!

Rowlf I can't go on. It's humiliating to be called a "bow wow".
Annie Sue But it's only a song, Rowlf.
Rowlf I refuse to do it, Miss Oink Oink.
A tough pig emerges, wielding a club at Rowlf.
Tough Pig (DG) Sing, flea-bait.
Rowlf Uh, yes sir.
Annie Sue

I'll be so glad when I get old, to do just as I please.
I'll have a dozen bow wows then, a parrot and some bees.
Whene'er I see a little pet, I'll kiss the tiny thing.
'Twill remind me of the time gone by, when I would cry and sing…
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!

Rowlf Bark bark.
Annie Sue Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf Meow.
Annie Sue

I've got a little cat, I am very fond of that,
But I'd rather have a bow wow wow, wow, wow, wow!
Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!

Rowlf Oink oink.
Annie Sue Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow wow!
Rowlf (notices the tough pig) Bow wow.
Annie Sue

I've got a little cat, I am very fond of that,
But I'd rather have a bow wow wow!


Talk spot

Sam the Eagle Uh, Miss Stapleton, I hope you are surviving your ordeal on this unsavory program.
Jean Oh. (chuckles)
Sam the Eagle I mean, you obviously are a woman whose taste is impeccable.
Jean Oh, thank you.
Sam the Eagle Hmm.
Jean But really, I'm enjoying it very much.
Sam the Eagle Hmm?
Jean I'm having a lot of fun. I guess that means my taste is, um... peccable.
Sam the Eagle Peccable. (aside) What does "peccable"…
Jean Oh, speaking of language, can I ask you a question about the Swedish Chef?
Sam the Eagle The Swedish Chef? Huh! What about him?
Jean Well, you all know around here that he doesn't speak real Swedish.
Sam the Eagle He what?! He—
Jean No, he doesn't.
Sam the Eagle He... Uh, send in the Chef! Send in the Chef! Imagine. All these years, you mean he has been speaking mock Swedish?
Jean Well, don't be too hard on him.
Sam the Eagle Well, I have never... Where is he?
Swedish Chef (enters speaking mock Swedish)
Jean Oh. He said he got here as soon as he could.
Swedish Chef (nods) Jå.
Sam the Eagle Well... Well, you tell him that from now... (pause) How do you know what he said?
Jean Oh, I took a correspondence course once in mock Swedish.
Sam the Eagle Hmm.
Jean (says something to the Chef in mock Swedish)
306 chef.jpg
Swedish Chef (replies in mock Swedish)
Jean (to Sam) Oh, he admits the whole thing.
Sam the Eagle Mmm.
Jean He says he doesn't speak real Swedish.
Sam the Eagle Hmm. Well, you tell him that this must end. He must stop speaking mock Swedish, and speak honestly and normally.
Jean Oh, all right. (to Chef) Well... (mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef (replies in mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle What?
Jean Aww. He admits the error of his ways. And he says from now on he'll speak only in his native tongue.
Sam the Eagle Mmm. Good.
Swedish Chef Åh sö. (speaks mock Japanese) Chøp chøp, såyönårä. (exits)
Sam the Eagle What, uh, what did he say?
Jean Oh, I don't know. I don't speak mock Japanese.


Kermit (through the intercom) Wayne, Deadly and Annie Sue on stage for the melodrama.
Piggy appears behind him, growling.
Kermit Miss Piggy, what are you doing here? You're not even in the melodrama.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. You are not the first to notice.
Kermit Uh, but — but Miss Piggy, I never even thought of putting you in the melodrama.
Miss Piggy (raises fist) I've thought of putting you in the hospital.
Kermit Uh, yeah, but see you wouldn't want to be in the melodrama, it's just a small part.
Miss Piggy How small?
Kermit It's a very small part, and I can't give a very small part like that to a big star like you.
Miss Piggy Oh, well, hmm... I see your point.
Kermit Yeah, so I thought I'd give it to Annie Sue. She needs experience.
Miss Piggy She needs talent.
Annie Sue Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir, please don't make me do the melodrama!
Kermit Bu — but, Annie Sue, it's your first chance at a dramatic role.
Annie Sue I know, but I'm too scared. (cries)
Kermit (comforts her) Oh, Annie Sue, you'll be just fine, really.
Miss Piggy All right, all right, break! Give it a rest, frog! (to Annie) Excuse us. Kermie, it is obvious that the child is unprofessional. Annie Sue, go to your room.
Annie Sue exits, sobbing.
Miss Piggy Oh, brother.
Kermit But — but Miss Piggy —
Miss Piggy I will save the show, Kermie. The part shall be played by moi.
Kermit Uh... by you, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Yes.
Kermit OK. Hey, guys, tie Piggy to the railroad tracks.
Two stagehands carry her away. She protests.
Miss Piggy What?!? Move it — oh! Will you get your hands — what's going on??

Muppet Melodrama

The curtain opens on a railroad track with Piggy tied to it. Uncle Deadly stands over her, laughing.
Uncle Deadly Now, for the last time, will you marry me?
The audience boos and hisses.
Miss Piggy For the last time, never, you scoundrel! Oh, where is my hero?
Wayne Never fear, my pet! I will save you.
The audience cheers.
Miss Piggy My hero! — Wayne?
Uncle Deadly Curses, foiled again.
306 melodrama.jpg
Wayne Say! Isn't this a double-overhand knot?
Miss Piggy What?
Uncle Deadly Yes, it is.
Wayne I haven't seen one of those since I left the Junior Swamp Scouts.
Uncle Deadly (gasp) You were in the Junior Swamp Scouts, too?
Wayne Troop 37.
Uncle Deadly Troop 37? "Junior Swamp Scouts, never blue."
Wayne "A Junior Swamp Scout's always true."
Uncle Deadly "Always ready to save the day."
Both "We're Junior Swamp Scouts. Hooray, hooray!" (they laugh)
Miss Piggy I don't believe this.
Wayne Uh-oh!
Uncle Deadly Hmm?
Wayne You got the double sheep's head wrong.
Uncle Deadly Oh.
Wayne It goes like this. (demonstrates)
Miss Piggy You'll suffer for this, guys.
Wayne Remember? The rabbit runs around the tree twice, and then goes in his hole.
Uncle Deadly (nods) Ohhhh. Now I get it.
Miss Piggy Who cares?
A train approaches. Wayne tightens the knot.
Wayne There. She'll never get out of that.
He and Deadly laugh and depart the scene.
Uncle Deadly You remember little Melvin McCormick?
Miss Piggy Hey! Hey, guys! Hey! Hey... Oh, that does it!
She props herself up, removing the rail from the track. She hobbles away.
Miss Piggy Where's that frog? Where's that frog?


Miss Piggy Kermit!! Kermit, of all the lousy cheap shots you ever pulled on me...
Kermit (sarcastically) I know, Miss Piggy. I'm — I'm sorry. I didn't realize that sit — that, that whole sketch was going to get that far out of hand. Oh, please forgive me.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH! (swats him with the railroad track) You're forgiven. (swats him again) Wardrobe!

Muppet Labs

Beaker (sighs)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.
Beaker (perks up)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Many people suffer the embarrassment of being ridiculously tall and spindly. Isn't that right, Beaker?
Beaker "Mee mee mee mee me?"
He empties a bottle of pills and tosses it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew But now comes the Honeydew shrinking pill. Ahem. Take one, Beaker.
He downs the pills, then shrinks.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Not the whole bottle!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew … Oh dear. Ahem. Well, I guess that's all for today from Muppet Labs.
Mini-Beaker crawls up Bunsen's leg, tickling him.


Bunsen passes by Kermit. Jean comes out of her dressing room.
Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, strike the Muppet Labs set, please.
Jean Kermit, could I see you for a minute?
Kermit Oh, sure, Jean.
Jean It's about this next number. I really would rather not do it.
Kermit You mean the number with the pigs dressed as pirates and the chickens playing bagpipes and you're dancing with a seven foot doorknob?
Jean (nods) Mm-hm. It's just one cliché after another.
Kermit I… I see what you mean.
Jean I'll tell you what I'd really like to do.
Kermit What's that?
Jean Another duet, with my favorite Muppet.
Kermit (grins) Aww. Heh, well, that's very nice. That's a delightful idea.
Jean Oh, good, good. Now where's Crazy Harry?
Kermit Crazy Harry? Why, that's suicidal!
Crazy Harry shows up, laughing.
Jean There you are, you cute thing!
Kermit Jean, Jean, I don't know what you're planning to do, but whatever it is, it is not safe.
Jean Oh, no, this is a wonderful idea.
Crazy Harry It's a musical number. (laughs)
Jean (laughs)
Kermit A musical number?
Crazy Harry Yes!
Jean Yes, yes.
Kermit Well... I guess as long as it's musical, it's okay.
Jean Oh! You darling! (kisses Kermit) Now listen, is the boiler set up?
Crazy Harry It's beautiful. All set. (laughs)
Jean Great. Go ahead, get ready.
Kermit The boiler?
Crazy Harry I'll get up the steam. (laughs)
Jean (laughs)
Kermit Jean, I didn't even know that Crazy Harry played a musical instrument.
Jean Oh, yes.
Kermit Which one?
Jean The explodaphone. (tingles)
Kermit Explodaphone? Jean, you could get killed!
Jean Oh, Kermit, listen. I'm not new to this business. I've been all over the world.
Kermit You might be again.
Jean Listen, don't worry. You're gonna love it. (laughs, goes onstage)
Kermit Well, uh, I may not love it, but uh, I'll introduce it.

"I'm Just Wild About Harry"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, and now, once again, here she is, taking her life into her own hands … uh … and throwing it away … ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton.
306 explodaphone.jpg
The curtain opens on the explodaphone. Jean sings "I'm Just Wild About Harry" as Crazy Harry sets off several explosions around her.


Kermit Okay! Well, those of you with nervous dispositions will be very happy to know that we have reached the end of The Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our courageous guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jean Stapleton. Yaaaayy!
Jean Thank you, Kermit. I really got a kick out of it.
Crazy Harry Did someone say "Kick out of it?"
BOOM! He sets off his detonator, startling the other Muppets.
Kermit Uh, Crazy Harry, you're not supposed to set those off if somebody says just anything.
Crazy Harry Did someone say "Just anything"? (BOOM! Another bomb goes off, and Jean laughs)
Kermit Oh, help! Good night!
Crazy Harry Did someone say "Oh help, good night?"
Kermit No!
BOOM! The melee continues as the credits roll.
Statler I liked that last number.
Waldorf What did you like about it?
Statler It was the last number.
They chuckle.