Episode 307: Alice Cooper/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 307: Alice Cooper.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Alice Cooper? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Cooper.
Alice	Ready whenever you say, Scooter.
	Alice is surrounded by creepy creatures who hiss and sneer.
Scooter	Uh, sir, I think there's something you should know.
Alice	Yes?
Scooter	These monsters aren't ours.
Alice	I know. They're mine.
	Scooter runs away in fear.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Alice Cooper! Yaaay — (shudders)
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	You've gotta admit, the opening is catchy.
Statler	So's smallpox.
	Gonzo's horn lets loose a blue spirit.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight, our special guest star is one of the world's most talented, but frightening, performers, Alice Cooper. So, beware of ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.
	The light briefly turns off. Kermit is startled by scary noises.
Kermit	That does it! I'm leaving! Uh, here's Alice Cooper.
	Alice performs "Welcome to My Nightmare", backed up by his band, The Vile Bunch.
Waldorf	Where do you suppose he got the name Alice?
Statler	Oh, it's a family name. He was named after a maiden uncle.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The Vile Bunch passes Kermit.
Kermit	Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show. Let's see, what's next? William Tell act! William Tell act onstage, you guys. Come on, move it! Move it!
	William carries a bow and arrow, and his son balances an apple on his head.
William	(stuttering) D'd'don't shout! It makes me n'n'nervous.
Kermit	Okay, way to go, Alice.
Alice	Oh, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit	It must be great to be a rock star.
Alice	Oh. Would you like to be a rock star?
	THUNK! An arrow lands on the wall.
Kermit	Uh, well, uh, yeah, sure, sure. Love to be a rock star.
Alice	Well, then, just sign this contract.
Kermit	Contract?
Alice	Uh, yes, I have a friend that runs a service. He could guarantee to make you a rock star.
	THWACK! An arrow hits a nearby mannequin, making Kermit nervous.
Kermit	Yeah, well, when I said I wanted to be a rock star, I was just sort of half kidding. I mean, well, I'd like to be an astronaut too.
Alice	Well, then, just cross out the word "rock star" and write in "astronaut".
	Kermit looks at the contract and gulps.
Kermit	I don't think I want anything to do with this.
	THWACK! An arrow hits the contract.
Alice	Well, it looks like you're stuck with it, doesn't it? Just read it over anyways.
	He walks to his dressing room. Kermit whimpers as he reads the contract.
Kermit	Oh … he must be kidding. Why, how can he guarantee that? And what must it cost?
	Alice peers from upstairs and laughs with an echo.
Alice	Not a penny. Just your soul.
	He vanishes, right before an arrow hits the dressing room door.
Kermit	I... I... I'm sure I didn't hear that, or see it.
	THWACK! An arrow is heard hitting William Tell's son.
William's son	Ouch!
Kermit	But that I heard.
	William Tell and his son come offstage. His son has an arrow through his head.
William	You just can't move when I'm shooting. I've told you that a thousand times.
William's son	Well, you know me: in one ear and out the other. (eats the apple)
Kermit	Weird. Weird joke.

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Beaker	(squeaks)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Well, ahem, our latest development is the germ enlarger. For years, scientists have had to study teensy-weensy germs under a powerful microscope. But now, the germ enlarger makes the microscope obsolete.
	Beaker tosses away the microscope he was just looking at.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Comes out of your pay, Beaker.
Beaker	(moans)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Here, in this dish, is isolated a sample of the deadly germ streptococcus yuchotherium. Now, watch what happens when Beaker adds one drop of germ enlarger.
	Beaker is surprised as the germ grows and engulfs him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Notice how easy it is, now, for Beaker to study that germ. … And vice versa. That's all, for now, from Muppet Labs. Well, Beaker... Hmm.

Backstage

	The germ carries Beaker backstage.
Kermit	Bunsen, that — that — that germ better not be contagious.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(snickers)
	Gonzo reads the contract.
Gonzo	"…party of the first part guarantees to give party of the second part fabulous riches and worldwide fame."
Gonzo	Kermit, what is this contract?
Kermit	Oh, that... Oh, that... That just belongs to Alice. That's, uh... uh, you know the Faust story?
Gonzo	No.
Kermit	Okay, well, you see, Faust sold his soul to the Devil, and in return, became very rich and very famous, and Alice says that this is that kind of a contract.
Gonzo	Really? Where do I sign?! I've gotta get a pen.
	A monster passes by Gonzo.
Gonzo	Hey, give me a pen. I'll give you a chicken for it.
Monster	Uh-uh! (goes away)
Gonzo	I'll give you all my chickens for a pen! I'd sell my soul for a pen — no. I have other plans for that. A pen! I gotta have a pen! Somebody! Fozzie! Scooter!

Toothache

	Open on a cave with talking stalagmites.
Stalagmite (RH)	Ooh! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
Others	He's never known a toothache this bad before.
Stalagmite (RH)	It's like having toothache all over my body.
Others	It's like having toothache all over his body.
Stalagmite (RH)	And another thing.
Others	And another thing.
Stalagmite (RH)	I keep hearing voices.
Others	(no audio)
Stalagmite (RH)	And what's worse...
Others	And what's worse...
Stalagmite (RH)	...the echo is often incorrect.
Others	(all babbling indistinctly) — Shh.
Stalagmite (RH)	And sometimes...
Others	And sometimes it says what I'm going to say before I've said it.
Stalagmite (RH)	...it says what I'm going to s... Yeah, well…
Others	Yeah, well, none of this is helping my toothache.
Stalagmite (RH)	You took the words right out of my mouth.
Deep voice (JN)	Pity you couldn't take the teeth as well.
Stalagmite (RH)	Who was that?
Others	Don't look at us.
	Zoom out on the cave, which is actually a mouth. The stalagmites are actually the teeth of a larger stalagmite.
Stalagmite (JN)	Whoa! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
Others	He's never known a toothache this bad before.
Stalagmite (JN)	It's like having toothache all over my body.
Others	It's like having toothache all over...
Stalagmite (JN)	And another...
	Synthetic music ends the piece.

Backstage

	Alice adds more eyeshadow to his face.
Sam the Eagle	Mr. Cooper.
Alice	Yes!
Sam the Eagle	I don't believe it. (facepalms)
Sam the Eagle	Ahem. Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty... (thinks) … freako.
Alice	Why, thank you.
Sam the Eagle	(facepalms) Freakos: One, Civilization: Zero.
	Alice licks his finger and makes an invisible "1" with it.

Canteen

	Fozzie and some Whatnots dine.
Gladys	Who ordered the spider sandwich?
Fozzie	Oh. Oh, Gladys, this show is so weird tonight. I'm gonna stay right down here in the canteen with these clean-cut kids.
	The Whatnots laugh, showing their sharp teeth.
Fozzie	(facepalms) Why can't we have one thing nice on this show tonight?

"Over the Rainbow"

	Robin grants Fozzie's wish with a performance of "Over the Rainbow."

UK spot

Kermit	Oh, boy, this is a spooky show.
	The candle moves towards him while he's not looking. When he turns his head, it stops. Kermit hides, then blows the candle out when it least expects.
Kermit	Think about that, folks.
	The candle flees.
Kermit	Not you.
	Masked heads pop up around Kermit as the lights dim. They follow him until he runs away. A blue Frackle, wearing one of the masks, sings "Once a Year Day" and is joined by other masked Muppet monsters. A spirit plays a theremin while Thog dances.

Dressing room

	Open on a closeup of a candle flame. Alice's face appears superimposed in it.
Alice	And, with the power vested in me, I have touched you and made you beautiful. Let no man call you ugly.
	Transition to Alice in a room with Beakie, an abstract rainbow monster.
Alice	With me at your side, we will lead a life of eternal happiness.
	They sing "You and Me."
Scooter	Hey! Excuse — who turned off the lights? (he turns them on) Miss Piggy wanted onstage for Pigs in Space.
Beakie	(Piggy's voice) I'll be right there. Ahem. Pardon moi, Alicimo. Ahem. (looks in the mirror and screams) What? What the...? Hey! All right, listen, Cooper, the deal is off! Make with the magic!
Alice	Oh, all right.
Beakie	(Piggy's voice) All right!
	POOF!
Miss Piggy	Oh, all right, all right! That's better! And you can tell your man I wouldn't sell you my soul if you paid me! Creep! (exits)
	Alice uses a ham radio.
Alice	Yeah, hello, boss? No, no, I didn't make a sale. Uh, listen, do I get any commission on hourly rentals?
	The radio shoots a flame.
Alice	Whew. Touchy.

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last saw the spaceship Swinetrek, Captain Link Hogthrob was suffering from a mysterious space disease.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	First Mate Piggy, help me move Link back to the electro cosmotron.
Miss Piggy	Yes! Yes!
	They grunt as they move him in his chair.
Miss Piggy	It's like King Kong.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Easy, yeah, good, good. Whew!
Miss Piggy	Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, I hesitate to try this shock treatment. It's very dangerous, and it could kill him.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Is there no alternative?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, you could give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
	A beat.
Miss Piggy	You connect the wires, I'll throw the switch.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Mmm-hmm.
Miss Piggy	Ready?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	So... just... Now, all connected.
Miss Piggy	Three... two... one!
	She throws the switch. Link becomes transparent and wakes up.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Look, Dr. Strangepork, he's coming around.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yes, it worked! Uh, turn it off now, First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Yes. (she turns it off)
Link Hogthrob	Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what happened?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(sheepish) Oh, uh, just temporary, Link. (to Piggy) I said turn it off!
Miss Piggy	I — I did!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Uh-oh. Sorry, Link.
Link Hogthrob	But look at me. I'm just a shell of my former self.
Miss Piggy	But, uh... But, uh, uh... oh, you're much more interesting.
Link Hogthrob	Mmm?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	No, I think he looks weird.
Miss Piggy	Of course he looks weird. I'm just tying to make him feel better, dummo.
Link Hogthrob	Huh. Do you really think I look more interesting?
Miss Piggy	(baby talk) Yes, dear.
Link Hogthrob	Well, in that case, how about a little kissy-kissy?
Miss Piggy	What?!
Link Hogthrob	Hmm?
	He kisses her on the snout, and she also becomes transparent.
Miss Piggy	Look what you did! (gasps)
Link Hogthrob	Funny. I look more interesting, but you look weird.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(snickers)
Miss Piggy	Oh, shut up, Strangepork!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I'll do something to help as soon as I can shtop laughing. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Oh, yeah? Well, shtop this! Hi-YAH!
	She karate-chops him, and he becomes transparent as well.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, no! Swinekopf! Look what you've done to me! Oh no!
Link Hogthrob	Dr. Strangepork! Oh no!
Miss Piggy	Something's happening to the spaceship!
	The ship's interior becomes transparent as the commotion ensues.
Announcer	Tune in next week, but I'm sure you'll be able to find something better to watch than PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Waldorf	Eh, what did you think of that?
Statler	Out of sight.
Waldorf	You mean you liked it?
Statler	No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.
	They chuckle.

"School's Out"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	And now, for one last time, Alice Cooper.
	Alice and the monsters sing a rowdy version of "School's Out."

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, it's been a little strange tonight, even for us. But before we all go home and hide under the bed, uh, let us bring out our very special guest star, Alice Cooper!
	Applause. Alice fades in. The other Muppets from the closing number flock him.
Sweetums	You were great! Yeah!
Alice	Kermit, it's been a real pleasure.
	Thunder and lightning startle them.
Gonzo	(voice) This is the voice of doom!
Kermit	Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.
	POOF! Gonzo appears on stage with a paper.
Kermit	Gonzo! Is that the contract with the devil?
Gonzo	Uh, no, it's worse than that. This is the bill from Special Effects.
	They all groan and writhe in agony.
Kermit	I don't want to think about it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Gonzo	Nuts!
	The agony continues as the credits roll.
Statler	So that was Alice Cooper?
Waldorf	You should see his sister, James Fennimore.
	They chuckle.