Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight, our special guest star is one of the world's most talented, but frightening, performers, Alice Cooper. So, beware of ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.
The light briefly turns off. Kermit is startled by scary noises.
Kermit
That does it! I'm leaving! Uh, here's Alice Cooper.
Oh, it's a family name. He was named after a maiden uncle.
They chuckle.
Backstage
The Vile Bunch passes Kermit.
Kermit
Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show. Let's see, what's next? William Tell act! William Tell act onstage, you guys. Come on, move it! Move it!
William carries a bow and arrow, and his son balances an apple on his head.
William
(stuttering) D'd'don't shout! It makes me n'n'nervous.
Kermit
Okay, way to go, Alice.
Alice
Oh, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit
It must be great to be a rock star.
Alice
Oh. Would you like to be a rock star?
THUNK! An arrow lands on the wall.
Kermit
Uh, well, uh, yeah, sure, sure. Love to be a rock star.
Alice
Well, then, just sign this contract.
Kermit
Contract?
Alice
Uh, yes, I have a friend that runs a service. He could guarantee to make you a rock star.
THWACK! An arrow hits a nearby mannequin, making Kermit nervous.
Kermit
Yeah, well, when I said I wanted to be a rock star, I was just sort of half kidding. I mean, well, I'd like to be an astronaut too.
Alice
Well, then, just cross out the word "rock star" and write in "astronaut".
Kermit looks at the contract and gulps.
Kermit
I don't think I want anything to do with this.
THWACK! An arrow hits the contract.
Alice
Well, it looks like you're stuck with it, doesn't it? Just read it over anyways.
He walks to his dressing room. Kermit whimpers as he reads the contract.
Kermit
Oh … he must be kidding. Why, how can he guarantee that? And what must it cost?
Alice peers from upstairs and laughs with an echo.
Alice
Not a penny. Just your soul.
He vanishes, right before an arrow hits the dressing room door.
Kermit
I... I... I'm sure I didn't hear that, or see it.
THWACK! An arrow is heard hitting William Tell's son.
William's son
Ouch!
Kermit
But that I heard.
William Tell and his son come offstage. His son has an arrow through his head.
William
You just can't move when I'm shooting. I've told you that a thousand times.
William's son
Well, you know me: in one ear and out the other. (eats the apple)
Kermit
Weird. Weird joke.
Muppet Labs
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Beaker
(squeaks)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Well, ahem, our latest development is the germ enlarger. For years, scientists have had to study teensy-weensy germs under a powerful microscope. But now, the germ enlarger makes the microscope obsolete.
Beaker tosses away the microscope he was just looking at.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Comes out of your pay, Beaker.
Beaker
(moans)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Here, in this dish, is isolated a sample of the deadly germ streptococcus yuchotherium. Now, watch what happens when Beaker adds one drop of germ enlarger.
Beaker is surprised as the germ grows and engulfs him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Notice how easy it is, now, for Beaker to study that germ. … And vice versa. That's all, for now, from Muppet Labs. Well, Beaker... Hmm.
Backstage
The germ carries Beaker backstage.
Kermit
Bunsen, that — that — that germ better not be contagious.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
(snickers)
Gonzo reads the contract.
Gonzo
"…party of the first part guarantees to give party of the second part fabulous riches and worldwide fame."
Gonzo
Kermit, what is this contract?
Kermit
Oh, that... Oh, that... That just belongs to Alice. That's, uh... uh, you know the Faust story?
Gonzo
No.
Kermit
Okay, well, you see, Faust sold his soul to the Devil, and in return, became very rich and very famous, and Alice says that this is that kind of a contract.
Gonzo
Really? Where do I sign?! I've gotta get a pen.
A monster passes by Gonzo.
Gonzo
Hey, give me a pen. I'll give you a chicken for it.
Monster
Uh-uh! (goes away)
Gonzo
I'll give you all my chickens for a pen! I'd sell my soul for a pen — no. I have other plans for that. A pen! I gotta have a pen! Somebody! Fozzie! Scooter!
Toothache
Open on a cave with talking stalagmites.
Stalagmite (RH)
Ooh! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
Others
He's never known a toothache this bad before.
Stalagmite (RH)
It's like having toothache all over my body.
Others
It's like having toothache all over his body.
Stalagmite (RH)
And another thing.
Others
And another thing.
Stalagmite (RH)
I keep hearing voices.
Others
(no audio)
Stalagmite (RH)
And what's worse...
Others
And what's worse...
Stalagmite (RH)
...the echo is often incorrect.
Others
(all babbling indistinctly) — Shh.
Stalagmite (RH)
And sometimes...
Others
And sometimes it says what I'm going to say before I've said it.
Stalagmite (RH)
...it says what I'm going to s... Yeah, well…
Others
Yeah, well, none of this is helping my toothache.
Stalagmite (RH)
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Deep voice (JN)
Pity you couldn't take the teeth as well.
Stalagmite (RH)
Who was that?
Others
Don't look at us.
Zoom out on the cave, which is actually a mouth. The stalagmites are actually the teeth of a larger stalagmite.
Stalagmite (JN)
Whoa! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
Others
He's never known a toothache this bad before.
Stalagmite (JN)
It's like having toothache all over my body.
Others
It's like having toothache all over...
Stalagmite (JN)
And another...
Synthetic music ends the piece.
Backstage
Alice adds more eyeshadow to his face.
Sam the Eagle
Mr. Cooper.
Alice
Yes!
Sam the Eagle
I don't believe it. (facepalms)
Sam the Eagle
Ahem. Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty... (thinks) … freako.
Alice
Why, thank you.
Sam the Eagle
(facepalms) Freakos: One, Civilization: Zero.
Alice licks his finger and makes an invisible "1" with it.
Canteen
Fozzie and some Whatnots dine.
Gladys
Who ordered the spider sandwich?
Fozzie
Oh. Oh, Gladys, this show is so weird tonight. I'm gonna stay right down here in the canteen with these clean-cut kids.
The Whatnots laugh, showing their sharp teeth.
Fozzie
(facepalms) Why can't we have one thing nice on this show tonight?
"Over the Rainbow"
Robin grants Fozzie's wish with a performance of "Over the Rainbow."
UK spot
Kermit
Oh, boy, this is a spooky show.
The candle moves towards him while he's not looking. When he turns his head, it stops. Kermit hides, then blows the candle out when it least expects.
Kermit
Think about that, folks.
The candle flees.
Kermit
Not you.
Masked heads pop up around Kermit as the lights dim. They follow him until he runs away. A blue Frackle, wearing one of the masks, sings "Once a Year Day" and is joined by other masked Muppet monsters. A spirit plays a theremin while Thog dances.
Dressing room
Open on a closeup of a candle flame. Alice's face appears superimposed in it.
Alice
And, with the power vested in me, I have touched you and made you beautiful. Let no man call you ugly.
Transition to Alice in a room with Beakie, an abstract rainbow monster.
Alice
With me at your side, we will lead a life of eternal happiness.
They sing "You and Me."
Scooter
Hey! Excuse — who turned off the lights? (he turns them on) Miss Piggy wanted onstage for Pigs in Space.
Beakie
(Piggy's voice) I'll be right there. Ahem. Pardon moi, Alicimo. Ahem. (looks in the mirror and screams) What? What the...? Hey! All right, listen, Cooper, the deal is off! Make with the magic!
Alice
Oh, all right.
Beakie
(Piggy's voice) All right!
POOF!
Miss Piggy
Oh, all right, all right! That's better! And you can tell your man I wouldn't sell you my soul if you paid me! Creep! (exits)
Alice uses a ham radio.
Alice
Yeah, hello, boss? No, no, I didn't make a sale. Uh, listen, do I get any commission on hourly rentals?
The radio shoots a flame.
Alice
Whew. Touchy.
Pigs in Space
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last saw the spaceship Swinetrek, Captain Link Hogthrob was suffering from a mysterious space disease.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
First Mate Piggy, help me move Link back to the electro cosmotron.
Miss Piggy
Yes! Yes!
They grunt as they move him in his chair.
Miss Piggy
It's like King Kong.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Easy, yeah, good, good. Whew!
Miss Piggy
Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Well, I hesitate to try this shock treatment. It's very dangerous, and it could kill him.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Is there no alternative?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Well, you could give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
A beat.
Miss Piggy
You connect the wires, I'll throw the switch.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Mmm-hmm.
Miss Piggy
Ready?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
So... just... Now, all connected.
Miss Piggy
Three... two... one!
She throws the switch. Link becomes transparent and wakes up.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Look, Dr. Strangepork, he's coming around.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Yes, it worked! Uh, turn it off now, First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Yes. (she turns it off)
Link Hogthrob
Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what happened?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(sheepish) Oh, uh, just temporary, Link. (to Piggy) I said turn it off!
Miss Piggy
I — I did!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Uh-oh. Sorry, Link.
Link Hogthrob
But look at me. I'm just a shell of my former self.
Miss Piggy
But, uh... But, uh, uh... oh, you're much more interesting.
Link Hogthrob
Mmm?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
No, I think he looks weird.
Miss Piggy
Of course he looks weird. I'm just tying to make him feel better, dummo.
Link Hogthrob
Huh. Do you really think I look more interesting?
Miss Piggy
(baby talk) Yes, dear.
Link Hogthrob
Well, in that case, how about a little kissy-kissy?
Miss Piggy
What?!
Link Hogthrob
Hmm?
He kisses her on the snout, and she also becomes transparent.
Miss Piggy
Look what you did! (gasps)
Link Hogthrob
Funny. I look more interesting, but you look weird.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(snickers)
Miss Piggy
Oh, shut up, Strangepork!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
I'll do something to help as soon as I can shtop laughing. (laughs)
Miss Piggy
Oh, yeah? Well, shtop this! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him, and he becomes transparent as well.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, no! Swinekopf! Look what you've done to me! Oh no!
Link Hogthrob
Dr. Strangepork! Oh no!
Miss Piggy
Something's happening to the spaceship!
The ship's interior becomes transparent as the commotion ensues.
Announcer
Tune in next week, but I'm sure you'll be able to find something better to watch than PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Waldorf
Eh, what did you think of that?
Statler
Out of sight.
Waldorf
You mean you liked it?
Statler
No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.
They chuckle.
"School's Out"
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And now, for one last time, Alice Cooper.
Alice and the monsters sing a rowdy version of "School's Out."
Goodnights
Kermit
Well, it's been a little strange tonight, even for us. But before we all go home and hide under the bed, uh, let us bring out our very special guest star, Alice Cooper!
Applause. Alice fades in. The other Muppets from the closing number flock him.
Sweetums
You were great! Yeah!
Alice
Kermit, it's been a real pleasure.
Thunder and lightning startle them.
Gonzo
(voice) This is the voice of doom!
Kermit
Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.
POOF! Gonzo appears on stage with a paper.
Kermit
Gonzo! Is that the contract with the devil?
Gonzo
Uh, no, it's worse than that. This is the bill from Special Effects.
They all groan and writhe in agony.
Kermit
I don't want to think about it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.