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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 307: Alice Cooper.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Alice Cooper? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Cooper.
Alice Ready whenever you say, Scooter.
Alice is surrounded by creepy creatures who hiss and sneer.
Scooter Uh, sir, I think there's something you should know.
Alice Yes?
Scooter These monsters aren't ours.
Alice I know. They're mine.
Scooter runs away in fear.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Alice Cooper! Yaaay — (shudders)
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf You've gotta admit, the opening is catchy.
Statler So's smallpox.
Gonzo's horn lets loose a blue spirit.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight, our special guest star is one of the world's most talented, but frightening, performers, Alice Cooper. So, beware of ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.
The light briefly turns off. Kermit is startled by scary noises.
Kermit That does it! I'm leaving! Uh, here's Alice Cooper.
Alice performs "Welcome to My Nightmare", backed up by his band, The Vile Bunch.
Waldorf Where do you suppose he got the name Alice?
Statler Oh, it's a family name. He was named after a maiden uncle.
They chuckle.


The Vile Bunch passes Kermit.
Kermit Boy, it wasn't spooky like this when Julie Andrews did the show. Let's see, what's next? William Tell act! William Tell act onstage, you guys. Come on, move it! Move it!
William carries a bow and arrow, and his son balances an apple on his head.
William (stuttering) D'd'don't shout! It makes me n'n'nervous.
Kermit Okay, way to go, Alice.
Alice Oh, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit It must be great to be a rock star.
Alice Oh. Would you like to be a rock star?
THUNK! An arrow lands on the wall.
Kermit Uh, well, uh, yeah, sure, sure. Love to be a rock star.
Alice Well, then, just sign this contract.
Kermit Contract?
Alice Uh, yes, I have a friend that runs a service. He could guarantee to make you a rock star.
THWACK! An arrow hits a nearby mannequin, making Kermit nervous.
Kermit Yeah, well, when I said I wanted to be a rock star, I was just sort of half kidding. I mean, well, I'd like to be an astronaut too.
Alice Well, then, just cross out the word "rock star" and write in "astronaut".
Kermit looks at the contract and gulps.
Kermit I don't think I want anything to do with this.
THWACK! An arrow hits the contract.
Alice Well, it looks like you're stuck with it, doesn't it? Just read it over anyways.
He walks to his dressing room. Kermit whimpers as he reads the contract.
Kermit Oh … he must be kidding. Why, how can he guarantee that? And what must it cost?
Alice peers from upstairs and laughs with an echo.
Alice Not a penny. Just your soul.
He vanishes, right before an arrow hits the dressing room door.
Kermit I... I... I'm sure I didn't hear that, or see it.
THWACK! An arrow is heard hitting William Tell's son.
William's son Ouch!
Kermit But that I heard.
William Tell and his son come offstage. His son has an arrow through his head.
William You just can't move when I'm shooting. I've told you that a thousand times.
William's son Well, you know me: in one ear and out the other. (eats the apple)
Kermit Weird. Weird joke.

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today.
Beaker (squeaks)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Well, ahem, our latest development is the germ enlarger. For years, scientists have had to study teensy-weensy germs under a powerful microscope. But now, the germ enlarger makes the microscope obsolete.
Beaker tosses away the microscope he was just looking at.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Comes out of your pay, Beaker.
Beaker (moans)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Here, in this dish, is isolated a sample of the deadly germ streptococcus yuchotherium. Now, watch what happens when Beaker adds one drop of germ enlarger.
Beaker is surprised as the germ grows and engulfs him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Notice how easy it is, now, for Beaker to study that germ. … And vice versa. That's all, for now, from Muppet Labs. Well, Beaker... Hmm.


The germ carries Beaker backstage.
Kermit Bunsen, that — that — that germ better not be contagious.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (snickers)
Gonzo reads the contract.
Gonzo "…party of the first part guarantees to give party of the second part fabulous riches and worldwide fame."
Gonzo Kermit, what is this contract?
Kermit Oh, that... Oh, that... That just belongs to Alice. That's, uh... uh, you know the Faust story?
Gonzo No.
Kermit Okay, well, you see, Faust sold his soul to the Devil, and in return, became very rich and very famous, and Alice says that this is that kind of a contract.
Gonzo Really? Where do I sign?! I've gotta get a pen.
A monster passes by Gonzo.
Gonzo Hey, give me a pen. I'll give you a chicken for it.
Monster Uh-uh! (goes away)
Gonzo I'll give you all my chickens for a pen! I'd sell my soul for a pen — no. I have other plans for that. A pen! I gotta have a pen! Somebody! Fozzie! Scooter!


Open on a cave with talking stalagmites.
Stalagmite (RH) Ooh! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
Others He's never known a toothache this bad before.
Stalagmite (RH) It's like having toothache all over my body.
Others It's like having toothache all over his body.
Stalagmite (RH) And another thing.
Others And another thing.
Stalagmite (RH) I keep hearing voices.
Others (no audio)
Stalagmite (RH) And what's worse...
Others And what's worse...
Stalagmite (RH) ...the echo is often incorrect.
Others (all babbling indistinctly) — Shh.
Stalagmite (RH) And sometimes...
Others And sometimes it says what I'm going to say before I've said it.
Stalagmite (RH) says what I'm going to s... Yeah, well…
Others Yeah, well, none of this is helping my toothache.
Stalagmite (RH) You took the words right out of my mouth.
Deep voice (JN) Pity you couldn't take the teeth as well.
Stalagmite (RH) Who was that?
Others Don't look at us.
Zoom out on the cave, which is actually a mouth. The stalagmites are actually the teeth of a larger stalagmite.
Stalagmite (JN) Whoa! I've never known a toothache this bad before.
Others He's never known a toothache this bad before.
Stalagmite (JN) It's like having toothache all over my body.
Others It's like having toothache all over...
Stalagmite (JN) And another...
Synthetic music ends the piece.


Alice adds more eyeshadow to his face.
Sam the Eagle Mr. Cooper.
Alice Yes!
Sam the Eagle I don't believe it. (facepalms)
Sam the Eagle Ahem. Let me come right to the point. You, sir, are a demented, sick, degenerate, barbaric, naughty... (thinks) … freako.
Alice Why, thank you.
Sam the Eagle (facepalms) Freakos: One, Civilization: Zero.
Alice licks his finger and makes an invisible "1" with it.


Fozzie and some Whatnots dine.
Gladys Who ordered the spider sandwich?
Fozzie Oh. Oh, Gladys, this show is so weird tonight. I'm gonna stay right down here in the canteen with these clean-cut kids.
The Whatnots laugh, showing their sharp teeth.
Fozzie (facepalms) Why can't we have one thing nice on this show tonight?

"Over the Rainbow"

Robin grants Fozzie's wish with a performance of "Over the Rainbow."

UK spot

Kermit Oh, boy, this is a spooky show.
The candle moves towards him while he's not looking. When he turns his head, it stops. Kermit hides, then blows the candle out when it least expects.
Kermit Think about that, folks.
The candle flees.
Kermit Not you.
Masked heads pop up around Kermit as the lights dim. They follow him until he runs away. A blue Frackle, wearing one of the masks, sings "Once a Year Day" and is joined by other masked Muppet monsters. A spirit plays a theremin while Thog dances.

Dressing room

Open on a closeup of a candle flame. Alice's face appears superimposed in it.
Alice And, with the power vested in me, I have touched you and made you beautiful. Let no man call you ugly.
Transition to Alice in a room with Beakie, an abstract rainbow monster.
Alice With me at your side, we will lead a life of eternal happiness.
They sing "You and Me."
Scooter Hey! Excuse — who turned off the lights? (he turns them on) Miss Piggy wanted onstage for Pigs in Space.
Beakie (Piggy's voice) I'll be right there. Ahem. Pardon moi, Alicimo. Ahem. (looks in the mirror and screams) What? What the...? Hey! All right, listen, Cooper, the deal is off! Make with the magic!
Alice Oh, all right.
Beakie (Piggy's voice) All right!
Miss Piggy Oh, all right, all right! That's better! And you can tell your man I wouldn't sell you my soul if you paid me! Creep! (exits)
Alice uses a ham radio.
Alice Yeah, hello, boss? No, no, I didn't make a sale. Uh, listen, do I get any commission on hourly rentals?
The radio shoots a flame.
Alice Whew. Touchy.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When we last saw the spaceship Swinetrek, Captain Link Hogthrob was suffering from a mysterious space disease.
Dr. Julius Strangepork First Mate Piggy, help me move Link back to the electro cosmotron.
Miss Piggy Yes! Yes!
They grunt as they move him in his chair.
Miss Piggy It's like King Kong.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Easy, yeah, good, good. Whew!
Miss Piggy Oh, doctor, does he stand a chance?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, I hesitate to try this shock treatment. It's very dangerous, and it could kill him.
Miss Piggy Oh! Is there no alternative?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, you could give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
A beat.
Miss Piggy You connect the wires, I'll throw the switch.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Mmm-hmm.
Miss Piggy Ready?
Dr. Julius Strangepork So... just... Now, all connected.
Miss Piggy Three... two... one!
She throws the switch. Link becomes transparent and wakes up.
Miss Piggy Oh! Look, Dr. Strangepork, he's coming around.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yes, it worked! Uh, turn it off now, First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy Yes. (she turns it off)
Link Hogthrob Uh, Dr. Strangepork, what happened?
Dr. Julius Strangepork (sheepish) Oh, uh, just temporary, Link. (to Piggy) I said turn it off!
Miss Piggy I — I did!
Dr. Julius Strangepork Uh-oh. Sorry, Link.
Link Hogthrob But look at me. I'm just a shell of my former self.
Miss Piggy But, uh... But, uh, uh... oh, you're much more interesting.
Link Hogthrob Mmm?
Dr. Julius Strangepork No, I think he looks weird.
Miss Piggy Of course he looks weird. I'm just tying to make him feel better, dummo.
Link Hogthrob Huh. Do you really think I look more interesting?
Miss Piggy (baby talk) Yes, dear.
Link Hogthrob Well, in that case, how about a little kissy-kissy?
Miss Piggy What?!
Link Hogthrob Hmm?
He kisses her on the snout, and she also becomes transparent.
Miss Piggy Look what you did! (gasps)
Link Hogthrob Funny. I look more interesting, but you look weird.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (snickers)
Miss Piggy Oh, shut up, Strangepork!
Dr. Julius Strangepork I'll do something to help as soon as I can shtop laughing. (laughs)
Miss Piggy Oh, yeah? Well, shtop this! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him, and he becomes transparent as well.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, no! Swinekopf! Look what you've done to me! Oh no!
Link Hogthrob Dr. Strangepork! Oh no!
Miss Piggy Something's happening to the spaceship!
The ship's interior becomes transparent as the commotion ensues.
Announcer Tune in next week, but I'm sure you'll be able to find something better to watch than PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Waldorf Eh, what did you think of that?
Statler Out of sight.
Waldorf You mean you liked it?
Statler No, it was out of sight. I had my eyes closed.
They chuckle.

"School's Out"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, for one last time, Alice Cooper.
Alice and the monsters sing a rowdy version of "School's Out."


Kermit Well, it's been a little strange tonight, even for us. But before we all go home and hide under the bed, uh, let us bring out our very special guest star, Alice Cooper!
Applause. Alice fades in. The other Muppets from the closing number flock him.
Sweetums You were great! Yeah!
Alice Kermit, it's been a real pleasure.
Thunder and lightning startle them.
Gonzo (voice) This is the voice of doom!
Kermit Sounds more like the voice of Gonzo.
POOF! Gonzo appears on stage with a paper.
Kermit Gonzo! Is that the contract with the devil?
Gonzo Uh, no, it's worse than that. This is the bill from Special Effects.
They all groan and writhe in agony.
Kermit I don't want to think about it. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
Gonzo Nuts!
The agony continues as the credits roll.
Statler So that was Alice Cooper?
Waldorf You should see his sister, James Fennimore.
They chuckle.