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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 308: Loretta Lynn.

Cold Open

Scooter approaches a train car and knocks on the door.
Scooter Loretta Lynn? Loretta Lynn? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Ms. Lynn!
Loretta exits the train car with her luggage. The crowd applauds.
Loretta Scooter! Kermit said you'd meet me here at the train station.
Scooter Well, here I am!
Loretta Terrific! Where's the theater?
Scooter Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta.
Loretta What?
Scooter We can't use the Muppet Theater tonight.
Loretta Well, what are we gonna use, then?
The train begins to depart, revealing the train platform.
Scooter Platform 2.


Kermit appears in a makeshift version of the typical Muppet Show sign.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Ms. Loretta Lynn! Music!
Fozzie and George the Janitor lift up the flat and begin to take it offstage. The orchestra plays an out-of-tune version of the theme.
Fozzie Okay, let's go this way. This way, over here. No, this way! Sorry. Ahhh!
A conductor approaches Kermit.
Conductor Can I see your ticket?
Kermit Huh?
A chicken joins the limited orchestra of Floyd, Zoot, Animal and Rowlf.
Rowlf Hey, you know who's conducting? The conductor.
Female Chorus

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
At the railroad track tonight

Male Chorus

It's time to make up scenery
Let's hope we do it right


It's time to get things started


On the most sensational, inspirational


This week's sort of railroad station-al


This is what we call The Muppet Show!

Gonzo strolls in with his horn.
Gonzo This is gonna be terrific, Kermit!
Gonzo blows his horn, which emits a train whistle.

Statler and Waldorf (alternate, UK only)

Waldorf Isn't this the last show of the season?
Statler Yes, it is!
Waldorf Thank goodness!
They chuckle.

Opening number

Kermit arrives in front of a slightly stained curtain.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our very special guest star tonight is the most awarded lady in country music, Miss Loretta Lynn. But uh, but first I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show. Uh, you see, the regular Muppet theater is being fumigated, and uh, and we had to find another place to do the show. And so the only other place that we could find was, uh…
Gonzo (whispers) Psst. Psst. Kermit. Kermit.
Kermit What is it, Gonzo?
Gonzo Better hurry. There's one coming now. (exits)
Kermit Uh, yeah, yeah, the only other place that we could find was this deserted, uh…
WHOOSH! A loud train passes by behind the curtain, startling him.
Kermit ...or nearly deserted train station. (enter Loretta) Oh, it's Loretta Lynn! (applause)
Loretta Kermit, is it really true we're gonna do the show from the station here?
Kermit Well, uh, Loretta, that is a very difficult question. And, uh, (ahem) the, uh… The, uh... Well, the answer is, uh… yes.
Loretta Well, don't worry about it because us country singers can sing anywhere. (walks off)
Kermit Oh. Wonderful. OK, ladies and gentlemen, here she is. The most talented and cooperative of guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn.
The curtain opens to the railroad station, where Lubbock Lou and his Jug Huggers have set up. Loretta and the band perform "You're Lookin' at Country" as Sweetums watches.
Statler I bought a round trip ticket.
Waldorf To where?
Statler To here, stupid.
Waldorf scowls.


Kermit sets up shop in another section of the railroad. The jug huggers walk past him.
Kermit OK, all right. Nice number, you guys. Let's see. What's next? Uh, tap dancers, tap dancers on stage please. Abe, Bernie, come on, get out there, you guys.
Two pig tap dancers tap their way to the stage, as two caged chickens cluck with interest.
Kermit (to chickens) Hey, would you guys be quiet please?
A train conductor wheels away Kermit's makeshift desk.
Kermit Hey, where are you going? You got my coffee cup there!
The conductor tosses him the cup, and it lands on the concrete and shatters. The chickens laugh.
Kermit Uh, this is, is never going to work. Gonzo!
Gonzo Yes, Kermit?
Kermit Gonzo, I should never have let you talk me into doing this show from a railroad depot.
Gonzo But it was the only place available. They were having a tournament at the bowling alley. (Kermit frowns)
Gonzo Anyway, the show's going great.
Kermit Yeah, well, it's not just the show. It's backstage here. See, I can't use this place here as an office.
Gonzo (looks around) It's not so bad. I mean, I mean, so a train goes by once in a while. Who notices?
Everything rumbles as another train passes by. Gonzo is left quivering.
Kermit Gonzo. (steadies him)
Gonzo Thank you. I'll find you a quieter place. (exits)
Kermit (sigh)

"All Alone"

Piggy stands on the platform by a payphone, about to sing.
Miss Piggy (sings) All alone … I'm so (sigh) all alone …
Some pigs, a sheik, two members of the Country Trio, and a mom and son rush by her.
Pig passenger Oh, train on track one!
Pig passenger 2 Track one!
Jerry I heard him.
Son Come on, Mommy! We'll miss the train!
Miss Piggy There is no one else but me — I'm performing. Do you mind? Ahem.

All alone … by the … telephone …

The first pig leads the passengers the other way.
Pig passenger Oh! Track two. Track two, everybody, this way.
Sheik Tracking two.
Mom No, it's at the other platform!
Miss Piggy Waiting for …
Jerry Hurry up, or we're gonna miss it.
Pig passenger 3 Track two, track two.
Miss Piggy … a ring — will you get... a-ling
The crowd, led by Conductor Baskerville, is about to walk by her, but she stops them in their tracks.
Pig passenger Nope, wasn't on track two …
Miss Piggy Hold it!
Miss Piggy Thank you. Hi-YAH!
She knocks them all down with a karate chop. The payphone rings.
Miss Piggy Forget it! It's too late now! Humph! (storms off)

Muppet News Flash

The Newsman appears in the station's newsstand, decorated with his usual set features.
Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash!
Pig Uh, excuse me. Uh, uh, how much is a Pig News here?
Newsman Wh-will you get out of here?!
Pig Hm? (sees the camera) Oh, oh, oh. (runs off)
Newsman Deliveries of letters and parcels may be delayed as a result of a strike by mailbag handlers due to take effect immediately.
A mail handler pig drags a stack of mailbags in front of the newsstand.
Newsman (groans) However, delivery of air mail will continue as normal.
A mailbag falls on the Newsman.

Railroad / Fozzie's comedy act

Gonzo This is a terrific place for you, Kermit. You can keep an eye on the whole show from up here.
Kermit Yeah, well, at least it's a lot quieter than the baggage room.
Gonzo Yeah. Nobody'll bother you here. This car is out of service.
Kermit You're sure about that?
Gonzo Trust me.
Conductor All aboaaaard!
The train starts moving.
Kermit Gonzo!
Gonzo I'd better check the timetable.
Kermit It's too late for that. Scooter? Scooter?
Scooter Boss! (runs after the train) W-w-where you going?
Kermit I don't know!
Gonzo Pittsburgh.
Kermit Scooter, take over for me! I'll be back as soon as I can! (to Gonzo) This is terrible!
Gonzo I'll say. We have to change trains in Altoona.
Kermit Gonzo!
Scooter OK, boss, you can trust me. (to audience) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our own favorite funny furry man...
Fozzie Scooter! Scooter! (fearful) Please don't introduce me. I don't have an act ready.
Scooter It's all right. Tell them the joke you told me. The one about the electricians and the polar bear.
Fozzie You liked the one about the electricians and the polar bear?
Scooter It's a masterpiece. I laughed for days.
Fozzie Introduce me.
Scooter Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya. Did you hear about the electricians and the polar bear? First of all…
A train passes by, drowning out most of the joke as he tells it.
Fozzie … "No, but the wallpaper tasted terrific," he said.
He gets no applause or laughter.
Fozzie (stammering) The polar bear said that, you see … if you didn't... the electr—… Oh, I'm so lonely. (walks off-stage)

At the Dance

Two hobos enter.
Hobo 1 Well, here's a train depot, Fred.
Fred Yeah, well, let's find the cattle car and get some sleep.
Dissolve to a chandelier with the typical "At the Dance" score.
Female Pig Uh, you know, for a teenager, you're very mature.
Male Pig Well, I've been shaving for over a year now.
Female Pig Oh, really?
Male Pig Hm-hmm. I cut myself both times.
The hobos have made their way to the dance floor.
Fred Heh. You ever seen people dancin' in a train station?
Hobo 1 People, yes. Pigs, never.
Female Dancer Uh, who's the most humorless man in the whole world?
Male Dancer Hoah, let's see...humorless man...uh. I give up, who?
Female Dancer You are, fat head!
Male Dancer (laughs) ...I don't get it.
Hobo 1 Hey, these folks are dancin' and tellin' jokes!
Fred Well...they're dancin'.
Gray Man Ow, ow, ow!
Fred What is it?! What's wrong?!
Gray Man My feet are killin' me!
The man's feet repeatedly kick him in the head.

UK Spot

Scooter Gee, I wonder where Kermit and Gonzo are.
Chickens (clucking)
Scooter (to the chickens) I hope they're all right. Yeah.
Meanwhile, Kermit and Gonzo are pedaling their way back to the station.
Kermit Uh, this is ridiculous, Gonzo. But at least we found a stupid handcar.
Gonzo Aw, Kermit, relax with it. I mean, it's fun. Doesn't this take you back to the age of railroading?
Kermit I just want it to take me back to the station.
Gonzo Ah, the romance of it all.
Cue the music.
Gonzo Gonna take a sentimental journey …
Kermit I don't believe this. He's gonna sing?

Gonna make a sentimental journey
To renew old memories.

Kermit Forget about renewing your memories. Worry about renewing your contract.
Gonzo I've got my bag, I've got my reservation …
Kermit We're gonna have us sprained backs by the time this is over.

Like a child in wild anticipation,
Long to hear that "all aboard".

Kermit Seven…
Gonzo That's the time we leave, at seven.
Kermit At seven.
Gonzo I'll be waiting up for heaven — Take it.
Kermit A-counting every mile of railroad track. (scowls)
Gonzo Ooh, I'm sorry. Big finish.
Kermit & Gonzo

Never thought my heart could be so yearny.
Why did I decide to roam?
Gonna take a sentimental journey,
Sentimental journey home.

Kermit Come on, Gonzo, Move this thing.
Gonzo All right. Well, OK.
They pick up speed.
Kermit Here we go.
Gonzo You had fun, didn't you?
Kermit Faster.
Gonzo Well, Kermit, did you like the song?
Kermit We gotta get there. Go, go, Gonzo!
Gonzo Hurry!
Kermit Come on!
Gonzo We're almost there.
Kermit Faster!

"Oh, Lonesome Me"

Baskerville Say, how's the show going?
Scooter Oh, pretty good, but I wish Kermit was here.
Baskerville What's the next act?
Scooter Uh, Winky Pinkerton. Yeah, he does bird impressions.
They watch as Winky, a penguin, passes by.
Winky (unenthusiastic) Cluck. Tweet tweet. Cock-a-doodle-do.
Baskerville Good luck.
Scooter Yeah, break a beak.
They laugh. Baskerville follows Scooter as he walks.
Baskerville Say, I'm just thrilled to pieces you're doing this big TV show here in our train depot.
Scooter Yeah, well, we like it too.
Baskerville Say, tell me something, though. Where's Loretta Lynn?
Scooter Oh, she's here, in her dressing room.
Scooter opens a door to reveal Loretta inside, playing her guitar.
Loretta Oh, hi, guys.
Scooter & Baskerville Hi.
Baskerville Say, how come you put a big star like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet?
Scooter 'Cause the boiler room was full of pigs? (exits)
Loretta Oh, I don't mind. I'm just relaxing and singing some old songs. Remember this one?
Cue the music. Loretta stands up and sings "Oh, Lonesome Me" and is soon joined by Baskerville and four other dogs, including Rowlf.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer Arriving now on track 2, Veterinarian's Hospital...
Miss Piggy observes a first aid kit on the wall and fumbles shutting it. She walks to the operating table, where a train conductor lies.
Announcer ...the continuing stooory of a quack that's gone to the dogs.
Janice Here's your next patient, Dr. Bob. He's a conductor.
Rowlf Well, he's not getting any symphony from me. (all laugh)
Piggy You mean "sympathy."
Rowlf He's not getting any of that either. (all laugh)
Janice Dr. Bob, he's a train conductor!
Rowlf Well, I will not operate on anyone who works for the railroad.
Janice Why not?
Rowlf I've got a very poor track record. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice (groans)
Rowlf Hey, what's the matter with him?
Janice I don't know. He keeps saying the same thing over and over.
Conductor ALL ABOARD!
The medics leap on the table and silence him.
Janice See what I mean?
Piggy (leaping off the table) Oh!
Janice Dr. Bob, that's all he ever says!
Rowlf Well, he must have a one-track mind! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice (groans)
Piggy That's your second "track" joke, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf So what? Who keeps track? (all laugh)
Piggy That's three!
Rowlf Well, it's too late to change. You can't teach an old dog new tracks! (all laugh)
Piggy Well, three-and-a-half.
Rowlf (groans)
Conductor ALL ABOARD!
The medics leap on him again.
Piggy (leaping off the table) Oh!
Janice Dr. Bob, he's worked too long on the railroad. It's affected his mind.
Rowlf Yes. The strain on his brain stays mainly on the train! (laughs with Piggy)
Piggy Oh, Dr. Bob, I think you've got it! (all laugh)
Conductor ALL ABOARD!
The medics leap on him again.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week where you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf I think he's got railroad sneeze.
Piggy What's railroad sneeze?
Rowlf Ah-choo choo! (all laugh)
Waldorf You know, this place is cleaner than the theater.
Statler True. Seats are more comfortable too.
Waldorf Hmm. Yeah. Only the entertainment lives down to my expectations. (both laugh)


Back to Kermit and Gonzo, still pedaling the handcar.
Gonzo Hey, Kermit?
Kermit What? I don't want to talk about it, Gonzo.
Gonzo But, but, but Kermit...
Kermit Listen, just keep pumping. We've gotta get up to the train station.
Gonzo But Kermit, it's important.
Kermit OK, Gonzo. What is it?
Gonzo Well, there's a light up ahead.
Kermit Oh, good. Maybe that's the train station.
Gonzo No. That's a train.
A steam whistle is heard. Gonzo halts to a stop.
Kermit What? Train? Back the other way, Gonzo. Quick! Back! Pump!
They start moving the other way as the train gets closer and closer.
Kermit Pump! Pump!
Gonzo I'm trying. He's gaining on us. Hurry up.
Kermit Faster! Faster! He's gaining on us. Faster!

Muppet News Flash

Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash!
Pig Uh, 'scuse me. Do you sell any chocolate bars?
Newsman No.
Pig Hmm. How 'bout jelly piglets?
Newsman Will you get out of here?
The pig leaves.
Newsman Three escaped chickens broke into the railroad telegraph office today and the chickens began pecking away at the Morse key. Uh, they were later recaptured, but not before they had declared war on Abyssinia.
The Newsman's sheet gets speared.

Railroad / "The Rhyming Song"

Fozzie rushes up to Scooter.
Fozzie Scooter, have you heard anything from Kermit yet?
Scooter No, not yet.
Fozzie Oh, no!
Scooter (glances at the clipboard) The next thing on the show is supposed to be the rhyming song!
Fozzie (grabs Scooter) The rhyming song?!?
Scooter Yeah!
Fozzie (panicking) But — but we're not ready for the rhyming song!!
Scooter (also panicking) I know we're not ready for the rhyming song!
Fozzie Well, what's on now?
Scooter Oh, nothing.
A beat.
Fozzie OK, everybody! The rhyming song!
Link and Annie Sue gather with Scooter and Fozzie. They all clamor amongst each other.
Scooter Yeah, let's go.
Fozzie Annie Sue? Link? Yeah, come on.
Link Hogthrob Th-the-the what?
Annie Sue But I can't remember it!
Fozzie You know the rhyming song!
Annie Sue Oh, yeah, sure. Great! (follows Fozzie and Scooter away)
Link Hogthrob What is the uh, what is the uh … (to the chickens) Stand by for the rhyming song. (runs to catch up with the others)
Fozzie No, Scooter, it's me first. Me, me, me. Curtain!
The curtain rises as music begins. Link looks around in confusion, while Fozzie dances.

Let's all sing the rhyming song,
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Let's take turns and rhyme together.
The rhyming song.

Scooter steps up.
Scooter I was hungry, now I'm not.
Fozzie The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Scooter 'Cause I ate some beans and grapes.
They face each other in confusion, then continue.
Fozzie & Scooter

The rhyming song?
Let's all sing the rhyming song,
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Let's take turns and rhyme together.
The rhyming song.

Annie Sue steps up.
Annie Sue I left my knees in your car.
All three The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Annie Sue My laundry's ready at half past nine.
They face each other in confusion, then continue. Fozzie pulls Link in the right direction.
All three

The rhyming song?
Let's all sing the rhyming song,
The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Let's take turns and rhyme together.
The rhyming song.

Fozzie Link!
Link Hogthrob Stars are twinkling in the sky.
The other three The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Link Hogthrob There's no hot water in my hotel.
The other three The rhyming song?
Scooter This is not the rhyming song.
All four The rhyming song, the rhyming song.
Fozzie I know it's not the rhyming song.
All four The rhyming song.
Fozzie Oh, brother!
Link Hogthrob What do we do now?
Annie Sue I don't know!
All four The rhyming song, the rhyming song.

Let's all jump up and down and wave our arms,
And get off the stage!

They all do so, ending the number awkwardly as the curtain closes. The phone rings.
Fozzie Get the phone, Scooter! The phone!
Waldorf The rhyming song, huh? They're really getting desperate.
Statler Mmm. Desperation's a good sign. Soon they may panic and run away.
They chuckle.

Railroad / "One's On the Way"

Scooter Yeah. Yeah, Kermit. … What? Hit by a train? … Well, uh, at least it's a different way to spend the day. … Well, I'm glad you're OK at least. Yeah.
Loretta Oh, excuse me, Scooter.
Scooter Oh, hold on a second, Kermit. Yeah, Loretta?
Loretta I don't see how we're gonna be able to do this last number.
Scooter Why?
Loretta Well, it needs a lot of scenery.
Scooter Oh, well, we got the scenery. It's just a little different.
Loretta How's that?
Scooter Fozzie painted it.
Fozzie Okay, come on, move it in. That's it. And bring down the uh, clothesline, guys, too, okay. That's it. All the way down. Ahh. No. Hold it. No, up, up. But not too far. That's it. Perfect. OK, Loretta, good luck. Watch out, the paint's still wet.
Loretta Okay then, I'm ready for my next number.
Scooter Great. (on phone) OK, chief, I'm ready to introduce Loretta. … Well, of course I'll do a good job. … Don't worry — okay, you tell me what to say and l'll say it, all right? … (listens, then repeats to the camera) Ladies and gentlemen … Miss Loretta Lynn. (on phone) Boy, chief, you got a way with words. Huh.
The setting is a house overrun by babies. Loretta, the mother, arrives home and does her duties while singing "One's on the Way". The babies join in. When the song ends ...
Loretta Oh, gee, I hope it ain't twins again.

Statler and Waldorf (alternate, UK only)

Tms308 fozzie.jpg
Fozzie watches the closing number with the two old men.
Fozzie Ah! Well, wasn't the scenery wonderful?


Scooter Well, folks...
He briefly looks behind him as a train leaves with Baskerville, the sheik, and the other passengers seen previously.
Scooter (cont'd) I'm sorry Kermit's not here now.
Kermit emerges, looking battered and bruised.
Kermit Oh, OK, OK, OK, I'm here, I'm here!
Scooter Are you all right?
Kermit Well, I'm as right as I can be after being nearly hit by a train and falling into a ditch and slogged through a swamp and run for two miles.
Scooter Wow.
Gonzo You forgot about the dogs.
Kermit Uh, yes, yes, we were also chased by angry dogs.
Gonzo (sigh) You always leave out the best parts. (exits)
Kermit Anyhow, Scooter, where are we? What happens next on the show?
Scooter Oh, nothing. Yeah, you got here just in time for the end, boss. (exits)
Kermit Well, uh, so much for the railroad station show. It's been a little bit weird, but tonight did have one big advantage and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn! Yaaaay! (applause)
Loretta Thank you, Kermit. Are you all right?
Kermit Yeah, yeah, thank you, ma'am.
Loretta I want you to know I really had a great time on your show tonight.
Kermit Oh, that's good. Hey, but listen, we'd better get out of here before another train comes.
Gonzo Hey, hey, hey, you can take your time, Kermit.
Kermit Why?
Gonzo No more trains tonight. I put up a sign that'll keep 'em away.
Kermit Uh, well, what does the sign say?
Gonzo "Airport".
Kermit Gonzo!
Gonzo Oh, trains don't go to airports.
Kermit I know, but uh …
WHOOSH! They all duck as a jet flies overhead.
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around her as the credits roll. The band plays the closing theme rather haphazardly.
Rowlf No wonder this sounds bad. We're playing a timetable!
Waldorf Well, what'd you think?
A train passes by, rattling them.
Statler Well, a bit shaky.
Tms308 zoot original end shot.jpg

Statler and Waldorf (alternate, UK only)

Waldorf Well, that's the end of this season!
Statler Think they'll be back next year?
Waldorf One can only hope not.
They chuckle.

Tms308 atv.jpg