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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 310: Marisa Berenson.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Oh, Marisa Berenson, thirty-five seconds to curtain, Miss Berenson.
Marisa Thank you. Oh, Scooter, who does all this luggage belong to?
Scooter Oh, didn't you know? It's a gift to you from the show.
Marisa Now, wait a minute. This isn't some kind of weird Muppet luggage that's gonna blow up or turn into cheese like everything else on this strange show?
Scooter (giggles) No, no, no, it's just regular alligator luggage.
Marisa Oh, good.
The suitcases sprout eyes and teeth and begin growling.
Marisa (laughing) Oh! Oh, no… (one of them nibbles at her and she giggles)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Marisa Berenson!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler Why don't we leave?
Waldorf Where would we go?
Statler (shrugs)
Gonzo starts to blow his trumpet, but Kermit cuts in with his own trumpet, blowing Gonzo out of the "O".

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where tonight's special guest star is the beautiful international film star, Miss Marisa Berenson. But first, on our show, we've done traditional dances from many countries, but never Russia. Well, tonight, their luck has run out.
A group of Russian pigs perform the "Red Pigs Dance".
Statler Well, there goes détente.
Waldorf (looks around) Where?
Statler Never mind.


The jugglers walk onstage, while the pigs come offstage.
Kermit OK, get onstage, jugglers. Way to go, gang. Nothing like a good old-fashioned Russian pig dance.
Lew Zealand Oh, boy, if you liked that act, you're gonna love mine.
Kermit Uh, who are you?
Lew Zealand Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act. (pretends to throw a fish) Whoo!
Kermit Uh — Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act?
Lew Zealand Oh, yeah. Hey, it's razzle-dazzle.
Kermit Uh, well, I'm sorry, but I'm not booking any highbrow acts just now.
Lew Zealand Hmm. Well, think about it, OK? (smells his fish) Come on, Seymour, you need a bath.
He walks away. An amorous Piggy approaches Kermit.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, thank you for putting me in charge of the closing sketch. You just cannot say no to me, can you?
Kermit Well, I — I can, but it hurts a lot. (notices the paper she's holding) Uh, is that the sketch there?
Miss Piggy Yes, it is, yes.
Kermit Well, uh, tell me about it.
Miss Piggy Uh, it's a secret.
Kermit What?
Miss Piggy Well, I'll tell you the title.
Kermit OK, what is the title of the closing sketch?
Miss Piggy "The Wedding".
Kermit "The Wedding".
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. You see, you're the groom and moi am the bride. Haha! Isn't that a silly idea? Isn't that funny? (laughs)
Kermit Uh, maybe.
Miss Piggy (embraces him) Oh, Kermie! Oh, it shall be so wonderful! Uh, funny, funny I mean, funny.
She showers him with kissy-kissys.

Feather boa dance

Meanwhile, onstage, Gonzo witnesses what's going on backstage.
Gonzo Oh, boy, uh, Kermit's kind of busy just now. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, the lovely and talented Marisa Berenson!
The curtain opens on a garden setting at night. Marisa dances to a light instrumental of the "Borsalino Theme" with some feather boas.
Statler Did you like that number?
Waldorf Speak up! My hearing aid's busted.
Waldorf I liked what I heard.
Statler What did you hear?
Waldorf "Did you like that number?"
Statler (groans)


The boas float past Kermit and Lew.
Lew Zealand I tell you, it's terrific. Yeah, you see, I throw the fish into the air, they sail away, and then they come back to me!
Kermit Yeah, but I don't care about boomerang fish acts.
Lew Zealand Oh, you will. They're coming back. (exits)
Kermit Uh, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh, um, yes, hello, Kermie.
Kermit Piggy, come back here.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, how aggressive and manly you sound.
Kermit Never mind the sweet talk. I just wanna know more about this wedding sketch. I mean, I've gotta learn my lines.
Miss Piggy Well, you only have one line.
Kermit I do?
Miss Piggy Exactly.
She heads to her dressing room.
Kermit Uh, that's not what I mean. Besides, the thing you forget is that I don't!
Miss Piggy (scoffs) Kermie, it's just a simple comedy sketch.
Kermit Uh … yeah, well, I know that.
Miss Piggy A comedy sketch, Kermie. It's not as if he were a real minister.
Inside her dressing room, she is hiding a minister pig.
Miss Piggy Now, you are a real minister, right? (he nods)

Muppet Sports

The opening montage plays.
Louis Hello, sports fans, this is Louis Kazagger, welcoming you to the wild world of Muppet sports. Today finds us at the national wig racing championships. (aside, sotto voice) Wig racing? Uh-huh. Well, luckily, I have one of the trainers here, who may be able to explain.
Wig trainer Uh, yes, sir.
Louis Today is my first time out wig racing, sir, or do you call this a derby?
Wig trainer Uh, no, sir, this is a wig, (points to his hat) this is a derby. (snickers)
Louis Uh, does the wig have a name?
Wig trainer I call this wig Greased Lightning.
Louis 'Cause it's speedy?
Wig trainer No, 'cause it's greasy.
Louis Don't you use a shampoo?
Wig trainer Uh, no, sir, I do not use sham-poo for my wigs. Only use real poo. Nothing but the best poo for my wigs.
A whistle blows.
Louis Oh, ah! That whistle means that the wigs are on the blocks.
A bugle sounds. The referee fires a pistol, and the wigs start racing. A crowd of dogs cheers them on.
Louis And they're off!
Lew's wig runs after them.
Louis Mine's off! Hey! (runs after it)

UK spot

Robin sings "Someone to Watch Over Me", accompanied by Rowlf on piano.

Dressing room

Marisa knocks on Piggy's dressing room door.
Miss Piggy (irritated) What is it?! (hums)
Marisa Oh, Miss Piggy, do you need any help?
Miss Piggy Uh... Oh, Marisa, well, just a moment.
Marisa A beautiful bridal gown.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. Yes, well, it's a traditional wedding scene. Something old, something new, something borrowed and something green.
Marisa Sounds like a real wedding to me, rather than a sketch.
Miss Piggy Oh. Well, it's um... it's a realistic sketch, mm-hmm.
Marisa Is it?
Miss Piggy Um … Marisa!
Marisa Yes, dear?
Miss Piggy Would you be a dear? Would you lace me up?
Marisa Well, of course.
Marisa grabs Piggy's girdle laces and starts pulling.
Miss Piggy Yes. That's it. Tighter, dear.
Marisa Tighter?
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. Tighter.
Marisa Tighter?
Miss Piggy I gotta go down three sizes. (grunts)
Marisa You're going through an awful lot of trouble. How long does this sketch last?
Miss Piggy Till death do us part! (grunts) All right, now, listen, kid, uh, just on the count of three, pull. Ready, one... two... (inhales) … THREE!!
Marisa uses her foot as extra force to tighten Piggy's girdle.
Scooter Oh, Marisa, you're wanted onstage in a minute.
Marisa My goodness, I've got to get dressed. Here, hold these.
She hands the laces to Scooter, and both he and Piggy are propelled to the end of the room. Marisa exits, and Piggy and Scooter get up, dazed.
Meanwhile, back in the balcony …
Statler Is your hearing aid fixed?
Waldorf No.
Statler Then how do you know what I'm saying?
Waldorf I don't.
Statler Oh.


Kermit leads Annie Sue, Scooter, Fozzie, Beauregard, Robin and a green Whatnot in a rendition of "Do Re Mi.
Kermit Doe, a deer, a female deer.
Annie Sue Ray, a drop of golden sun.
Scooter Me, a name I call myself.
Whatnot (SW) Fa, a long long way to run.
Robin So, a needle pulling thread.
Beauregard La, a note to follow so.
Kermit Tea, a drink with jam and bread.
Fozzie misses his cue.
Fozzie Me?
Scooter Me, a name I call myself.
Whatnot (SW) Fa, a long long way to run.
Robin So, a needle pulling thread.
Beauregard La, a note to follow so.
Kermit Tea, a drink with jam and bread.
Fozzie Now?
Kermit Go!
Fozzie Go, a gear, a female gear.
Kermit No!
Scooter No, a near, a female near.
Kermit Oh, what the hey.
Annie Sue Hay, a hop of holden hun.
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie A name I call myself.
Kermit No, it should be Beau.
Scooter Beau, a beer, a female beer.
Kermit Will you go away?
Whatnot (SW) Way, a dwop of wolden won.
The music stops as they all squabble.
Kermit Now, now, just listen to me.
Beauregard (taking a cue) Me, and my shadow…
Muppets Doe, a deer, a female deer…
Kermit Hold it! Come on, you're ruining the whole song!
The music stops as they all squabble. The curtain closes.

"You're Always Welcome at Our House"

Kermit comes out from behind the curtain.
Kermit Uh... and now, to, uh, bring a note of culture to the show... uh, is the set changed yet?
Voice (FO) Yeah, it's OK, frog.
Kermit Uh, okay. Here is the lovely and talented, Miss Marisa Berenson.
Marisa sings "You're Always Welcome at Our House". Various Whatnots are trapped in the house as described in the verses of the song, and help sing the chorus.


The Swedish Chef decorates the cake as Gladys walks by.
Gladys Yeah, one liver sandwich. (notices the cake) Chef! Why, that's beautiful!
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Gladys You know, I only have to take one look at this wedding cake and I feel like cryin'. Heaven knows why.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) ... de cåke and de høniöns. (displays some onions)
Gladys You what?
Swedish Chef Høniöns.
Gladys Raw onions in a wedding cake?
Swedish Chef Oh, jå, høniöns vëry gøød før the sînüsøës. (squeezes his nose)
Gladys Yeah, clears the head.
Swedish Chef Jå.
Gladys This cake'll clear the church!
The Chef continues working. Gladys notices a fly.
Gladys Oh, curse these flies.
She swats the fly with the liver sandwich.
Gladys They get all over the food.
Lew Zealand Hey, what about my sandwich?
Gladys Here it is.
Lew Zealand Great. Oh, a liver sandwich, and say, I'd like something on the side.
Gladys Well, there already is something on the side.
Lew Zealand Ah. (eats the fly) Mmm. (picks up the sandwich) Blechh! (tosses it)
Gladys Yeah. Yeah, aside from the raw onions, it's a nice cake, chef.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) …de lîttlë Pïggÿ brïdee. (displays a Miss Piggy figurine)
Gladys Hmm. I can see it's just as light as a feather.
Swedish Chef Jå.
He places it on top of the cake next to the Kermit figurine, and it sinks down into the cake.
Gladys Pity we can't say the same for the bride. (shrugs)


Kermit is dressed in a tuxedo.
Lew Zealand Hey, hey! Come on! Let me throw one fish, just one fish! Then you'll see.
Kermit Uh, listen, when I book a boomerang fish act on this show, some very warm places will freeze over.
Lew Zealand Thanks a lot! Uh, I'll wait over there. (walks away)
Kermit But, uh...
Scooter Hey Kermit, there's this dear, little old lady in the audience who wants your autograph for her sick grandson. Sign here. (holds up a paper)
Kermit (signs it) Oh, okay. Yeah. Hey, listen, is everything ready for this dumb wedding sketch?
Scooter Sure, the set's onstage, everyone's in costume, you signed the license— uh, you signed the autograph.
Kermit What was that?
Scooter Oh, nothing. Just go ahead. Introduce the wedding.
He pushes Kermit onstage. Kermit stammers.

The wedding

A fanfare plays as Scooter pushes Kermit onstage.
Scooter Go ahead.
Kermit Uh, uh, well, today, folks, uh, Miss Piggy has prepared a silly wedding sketch. Uh, naturally, it's just for fun, and...
Pig minister Excuse me.
Kermit What is it?
Pig minister Can we start soon? I'm saying vespers at St. Anne's in half an hour. (walks off)
Kermit What? (a cane yanks him away)
Scooter And now, the wedding sketch.
The curtain opens on a church interior. Rowlf plays the organ, and a group of pigs sits on one side, while a group of frogs (and Fozzie) sits on the other. Kermit enters, a bit baffled, but goes to the altar anyway. The pig minister arrives at the altar. Meanwhile in the wings, Marisa stands with Piggy, dressed in bridal regalia.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, Marisa, do I look all right?
Marisa You look radiant, my dear.
Miss Piggy Oh!
She kisses Piggy. Piggy makes her way to the altar, nervously. Rowlf plays "Here Comes the Bride".
Kermit Uh, you sure this is gonna be funny?
Miss Piggy Trust me.
Pig minister Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this pig and this frog in holy wedlock.
The pigs cry. In the wings, Animal stands by Marisa, also crying.
Marisa I guess everyone cries at weddings.
Animal (laughs)
Marisa No, cries at weddings.
Animal Oh. (moaning)
Pig minister If there is anyone present who knows why this pig and this frog should not be joined in matrimony, let him speak now, or forever hold his peace.
The frogs murmur. A mother pig smacks her child.
Miss Piggy Do it!
Pig minister Do you, Piggy, take this frog to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Miss Piggy (sighs) I do.
Pig minister And do you, Kermit, take this pig to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Piggy nods.
Kermit I … (pause) … I …
Piggy nods. Kermit starts nodding with her.
Kermit … I wanna introduce to you, the amazing Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish!
310 wedding.jpg
Lew takes the stage and starts throwing fish as vaudevillian music plays. Piggy chases Kermit around the church as Wayne sings an aria and nearly catches a fish in his mouth. The scene ends in chaos, with fish being thrown around willy-nilly by everyone. Marisa catches a fish and giggles.
Marisa This is a comedy sketch, after all.
Kermit Well, it is now. (hides behind Marisa)
Miss Piggy Kermit! We'll see if you laugh with a flipper crammed down your throat!
The chase resumes.
Kermit Close the curtains! Close the curtains!
The curtains close. Kermit comes out.
Kermit Uh, and so we come to the finish of Miss Piggy's wedding sketch...
Miss Piggy That's not the finish. This is the finish. Hi-YAH!
She kicks him through the curtain.


Kermit Well, time seems to be running out, not only for the show, but for me. Ahem. So, let us quickly welcome back the lovely and talented Miss Marisa Berenson, yaaayy!
Marisa Thank you, Kermit...
Miss Piggy KERMIT!!!
Kermit Listen, Marisa, I'm gonna have to rush. Uh, would you mind saying good night for me?
Marisa Me?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Marisa How exciting.
Miss Piggy Exciting?? Marisa, you ain't seen nothin' yet!
The chase resumes.
Marisa What do I say?
Kermit Just say, uh, "We'll see you next time…"
Miss Piggy KERMIIIT!
Marisa We'll see you next time...
Kermit "…on The Muppet Show".
Miss Piggy Fat chance!
Marisa On The Muppet Show.
The credits roll. Kermit hides in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Kermit If you guys let me hide here, I'll give you tickets to next week's show.
They look at each other, then toss him overboard.