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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 311: Raquel Welch.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Oh, Raquel Welch, thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Welch.
Raquel reads dramatically from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice.
Raquel "The quality of mercy is not strain'd. It droppeth as a gentle rain upon the place beneath..."
Scooter Uh, changing your image, huh?
Raquel Yes, well, I was toying with the idea.
Scooter Well, you do what you want, Miss Welch. On this show, you don't have to dress up in any of those scanty, revealing costumes.
Raquel (relieved) Oh! Thank you, Scooter.
Scooter Well, not unless you really want to.
Raquel Well...
Dr. Teeth, Gonzo, Floyd, Green Frackle and Quongo all peer into the room, begging.
Muppets (in unison) Oh, please want to!
Scooter nods. Raquel giggles.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Raquel Welch! Whoo! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Beauregard pulls a rope, and a sandbag falls on his head.
Flowers come out of Gonzo's trumpet.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you! And welcome, again, to The Muppet Show, where tonight, we are delighted to have the one and only Miss Raquel Welch...
Miss Piggy enters, clearing her throat.
Miss Piggy Pity we can't book an important guest star on this show. (flips her hair)
Kermit Uh, well, what are you saying, Piggy? Tonight we have an internationally acclaimed actress, singer, dancer and one of the sexiest ladies alive!
Miss Piggy You've got that every night, frog.
She flips her hair and walks off.
Kermit Uh, well... ahem … uh, ignoring that, ladies, and particularly gentlemen, here she is, the curvaceous, the tantalizing, the desirable...
Scooter Hold it, chief!
Kermit What now?
Scooter She's changing her image.
Kermit Changing her image?
Scooter Yeah, she was just rehearsing Shakespeare. (exits)
Kermit But... Uh... Well, uh... uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, one of cinema's leading dramatic actresses, the very erudite, Miss Raquel Welch.
Open on a jungle setting with birds and snakes. Raquel's opening number proves she hasn't changed her image too much when she dances and fights with a Giant Spider while singing "Baby It's Me."


Floyd and Kermit admire Raquel from backstage.
Floyd Pluperfect.
Miss Piggy Uh … I thought she was going to change her image.
Kermit Well, she might be changing her image, but you wouldn't want her to change the rest of that.
Floyd giggles. Piggy walks off in a huff.
Kermit Hey, where's Fozzie? He's supposed to be on stage.
Floyd Well, he must be late getting back from group.
Kermit Group? Fozzie went to group therapy?
Floyd (chuckles) Yeah, he wanted to learn to be more dominating.
They overhear Fozzie from outside.
Fozzie Open up, doors! These doors will swing open to the force of my will alone! (pause) … OK, I'll open the doors.
He struggles at first, but opens the door.
Fozzie There, I opened the doors, and I wanted to. (to the door) Thank you.
Kermit It's a pity you couldn't open the show, too.
Fozzie Uh, excuse me, Mr. Frog, uh, I am an established artiste. I will not be treated like a newcomer.
Floyd No, you'll be treated like a latecomer.
He and Kermit chuckle.
Kermit Very good. (Floyd exits) Uh, Fozzie, are you trying to be pushy or something?
Fozzie Oh, no. I mean, uh, yes. I am tying to be more decisive.
Kermit Hmm. (walks to his desk)
Fozzie Uh, maybe. (walks up to Kermit)
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, what are you doing?
Fozzie I'm not too sure. Uh... Oh, you see, my, my group leader told me to be more aggressive. Yes, uh, here.
He pulls Kermit forward and growls at him, then pushes him out of the way to get to the phone.
Fozzie Excuse me, I'm sorry.
He picks up the phone, growls into it, and hangs up.
Fozzie Thank you. Thank you.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, why don't you just go sit quietly in your dressing room? (exits)
Fozzie Oh, no! Oh, no, not this time! Frog, this bear will never be pushed around or stepped on ever again!
Gladys (calling from the canteen) Hey, did somebody order raw eggs and chili peppers?
Animal rushes to the canteen, knocking Fozzie over.
Animal Breakfast! Breakfast! Aah! Breakfast! Breakfast!
Fozzie stands up wearily.
Fozzie I think I'll go sit quietly in my dressing room.


Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, you could describe our next performer as a complete contrast to Miss Raquel Welch. But then again, you could also describe him as a complete contrast to every man, woman and child on Earth. Uh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great.
Open on Gonzo in a trailer living room with a Christmas tree and a clothesline. Everything he sings about comes into the room and joins him in the song.

Lonely? Hey, I get lonely.
Sad? Whoo! I know sad.
But you do what you can with the things that you see,
To make life a jamboree!
And I see cows playing cellos
With bananas where their horns should be.
And I see flags being waved by ducks in buckets
And pigs drinking lemon tea.

Gonzo & friends

Jamboree! (Jamboree!)
Jamboree! (Jamboree!)

Gonzo Find where you hide and look inside, and
Gonzo & friends

You've got a jamboree (ee ee ee ee…)


If all you know are bad times,
If all you see are walls,
If you get your news from the scuffs on your shoes,
Then that won't help at all.
'Cause you've gotta see penguins throwing popcorn,
Chickens on a well-dressed moose — hi girls!
And you gotta see rats floating by on pink balloons,
And fuzzy things on the loose.

The duck, pigs and cows re-emerge.
Gonzo & friends

Jamboree! (Jamboree!)
Jamboree! (Jamboree!)

Gonzo Find where you hide and look inside, and
Gonzo & friends

You've got a jamboree (ee ee ee ee…)


Well, you go run from thunder, and you stay away from rain,
But I'll be looking at the colors in the puddles to see my jamboree.

Gonzo & friends

Jamboree! (Chocolate cakes!)
Jamboree! (Bells on snakes!)


Some people give up, some people get out, but me? Hoo-hoo-hoo!
I'm a jamboree!

Gonzo & friends (cheering)

Jamboree! Jamboree!
Jamboree! Jamboree!

The rest fade out of the room, and so does the music.

Jamboree! Jamboree!
Me, I'm a jamboree.

The rest Yeah!
They all continue cavorting. Applause.
Waldorf I've seen wars started over less than that.
Statler Wrong, there's nothing less than that.
They chuckle.


Gonzo and his menagerie walk by.
Kermit OK, nice one.
Floyd Hey, good boppin', baby. (laughs)
Kermit Yeah, very cute, very cute. Uh, sick but cute.
Floyd Sick but cute?
Kermit Mmm-hmm.
Fozzie Uh, you guys are talking about me, huh?
Kermit Uh, uh, no.
Floyd Uh, yeah. (laughs)
Kermit Floyd!
Fozzie Hey, Kermit, Kermit, it's all riiiiight. It's no problem. I can take it.
Kermit Well, I don't know if I can take it. Uh, listen, Fozzie, are you ready to do your monologue now?
He clears his throat like he's about to make a speech. He clears a part of Kermit's desk so he can slap it.
Fozzie No! No! I am not... Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm through with all that! I do not need to buy friends with laughter, anymore. No, no. I am about to meet my … (takes off his hat) … true self.
Kermit Uh... of course you are.
Fozzie Yes.
Kermit Well, I, I hope you'll be very happy together.
Fozzie Thank you.
Floyd (laughs)
Kermit I'll just go cancel your act for tonight.
Fozzie Well, I'm sorry about that.
Kermit Don't worry, we've all got our problems here. (walks to the stage)
Fozzie Yep, that's show biz. (to Floyd) See, my problem was my need to tell jokes.
Floyd Yeah, that was our problem too. (laughs)

At the Dance

Kermit takes center stage.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, due to the indisposition of Fozzie Bear, there will be no comic monologue on this show.
The audience cheers loudly.
Fozzie Scooter, they... They want me! They... They like me! THEY NEED ME! (rushes out) Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
Scooter Fozzie …!
Kermit And so, on with The Muppet Sh—
Fozzie Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Hey-ya!
Kermit Fozzie, what are you doing here?
Fozzie My monologue. Haaaaaa.
Kermit But, but you were supposed to meet your true self.
Fozzie I just met him.
Kermit What's he like?
Fozzie He's shallow, insecure and needs to buy friends with laughter.
The "At the Dance" music begins to play.
Kermit Ah! It's too late! Get off! Get off!
Fozzie What?! What?!
Kermit takes Fozzie off-stage. The curtain opens on couples dancing in a ballroom.
Fozzie (off-screen) Kermit, let go, they want me! (emerges) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Uh, did you hear the one about the nut who joined the Army?
Pig dancer 1 Sure. They made him a kernel. (laughs)
Pig dancer 2 What, that old chestnut? (laughs)
Fozzie Wait, hey! Hey! You just cut that out, you pigs! Hey, speaking of pigs, what do you get when you cross an Eskimo and a pig?
Fleet Scribbler Oh, that's easy. You get a polar boar. (his partner laughs)
Fozzie What is going on... Whoa!
Two monks bump into him, sending him stumbling off-stage.
Fozzie Move! Look out! Move that bucket!
He crashes into a bucket off-screen.
Monk 1 Hey, do you do all the cooking in the monastery?
Fozzie (off-screen) Hey! Hey, I was gonna do that one!
Monk 2 No, I only cook the potatoes.
Monk 1 You only cook the potatoes?
Fozzie (stumbles back with his foot in the bucket) Wait! I'm doing this one! Uh...
Monk 1 You only cook the potatoes? What do they call you?
Fozzie The fryer! ("friar")
Monk 2 No, the chip-monk.
They both laugh. Fozzie facepalms himself.

UK spot

Kermit stands behind a fancy wall.
Kermit Uh, from time to time, I like to have chat with some of the different members of The Muppet Show so you'll get to know them better. Tonight, I'll be talking with one of your favorite acts, Marvin Suggs and the Muppaphones.
He encounters Marvin whacking the little fuzzballs, who yelp "OW".
Kermit Uh, excuse me, Marvin. I know you're rehearsing, but uh, could I talk to you for a few minutes?
Marvin Suggs But of course-ah, Mr. Kermit-ah! Any s'ing.
Marvin Suggs (to the Muppaphones) Take-ah four.
Orange ball 1 Five. (gets whacked) Ow!
Marvin Suggs Four!
The little fuzzballs quiver.
Kermit Uh... uh... Marvin, the question that most people ask...
Marvin Suggs Oh, zee answer is-ah, mutual love-ah and-ah respect. Zee Muppaphones, zey adore me!
The little fuzzballs mumble indistinctly.
Marvin Suggs Shut up!
Kermit Uh, Marvin, are these...
Marvin Suggs Yes!
Kermit Are these the original Muppaphones?
Marvin Suggs Oh, no. I 'ave to replace zem every two or s'ree months. Zey go flat.
Kermit Uh, you mean they get off-key?
Marvin Suggs No, flat. (he whacks them again) Like little-ah pancakes. (bows) S'ank you!
Kermit Uh, yeah, well, uh, what happens to them then?
Marvin Suggs I don't-ah s'ink you want to know.
Kermit Uh, yes...
Marvin Suggs Yes!
Kermit Uh, well, uh, Marvin, I was wondering, can I talk to the Muppaphones?
Marvin Suggs But of course! (to the fuzzballs) Ze little-ah froggy want to talk to you. Be nice.
Muppaphones (mumbling)
Kermit Uh, Muppaphones, I'll ask you the question most people ask, is, does it hurt?
Pink ball Um, is Marvin still here?
Marvin Suggs Right 'ere!
The little fuzzballs quiver.
Pink ball Uh, no.
Marvin Suggs Of course it does-ah not-ah hurt-ah. I am not a cruel man.
Muppaphones (groaning)
Marvin Suggs Shut up!
Kermit Uh, Marvin...
Marvin Suggs Please continue.
Kermit Yes, you were telling me how compassionate and sensitive you are.
Marvin Suggs Yes-ah, but I should-ah get-ah back-ah to rehearsal-ah.
Orange ball 2 Oh, come on, Marvin, how about some time off?
Marvin Suggs How aboutah some croquet?
He proceeds to play croquet with the little fuzzballs. Applause.


Fozzie looks sad.
Fozzie (sigh) I wish I had the nerve to meet Raquel Welch.
Scooter Oh, you should, Fozzie. She's terrific.
Scooter She kissed me right here.
Fozzie Scooter, I know she kissed you. You told me four times she kissed you. Why don't you go have your cheek bronzed?
Scooter Touchy, touchy. (exits)
Fozzie Well, she didn't kiss... Oh.
Raquel comes out of her dressing room, looking at Fozzie from afar.
Fozzie Hey, wait a minute, I can handle this, I can cope with it. I am an important bear. I am capable, I am poised...
Raquel Hiya, Fozzie.
Fozzie (stammers) I am... I am... ma-ma-ma-hummana-hummana …
Raquel Hi. I've been looking all over for ya.
Fozzie M... m...
Raquel Uh-huh. Come here a second.
Fozzie (stammering)
Raquel Did you know, that one of the main reasons that I wanted to do The Muppet Show was just so I could meet you?
Fozzie (stammering)
Raquel Is something wrong?
Fozzie No... (stammers) I can't talk about it.
Music swells up.
Raquel Just put your head on my shoulder here.
The lights dim as she sings.

Confide in me.
Rely on me.
And I will ty to satisfy
Your every need
Through the day
'Till we say …

Fozzie (she strokes his ear) Don't do that, please.
Raquel Goodbye…

Oooh … take it slow,
Easy go.
Any friend would recommend
The starlight show.
On a night like this,
I insist you try.

311 hat.jpg
Fozzie Oh, oh, Raquel, you are terrific.
Raquel On the contrary, Fozzie, you're the one that's terrific.
Fozzie Me?
Raquel Uh-huh. You know, just being here, kind of close to you, I've noticed that you're really very charming.
Fozzie Charming?
Raquel Mmm-hmm. And even witty.
Fozzie (confident) And even witty.
Raquel In fact, I think you're very sexy.
Fozzie Say again.
Raquel I think you're sexsational.
Fozzie (wiggles his ears) Ahh.
She cradles him.

Mmm, take your time,
And you will find
A smiling face,
A warm embrace,
A sympathetic mind
To do it right
Confide in me
Woh, oh, oh, oh

Fozzie Woh, ho, ho, ho…
Raquel Confide in me tonight.
Fozzie Oh, Raquel! Oh, Raquel! Oh, I feel so confident now. You've made a complete bear out of me. Oh, yes! Yes!
Raquel Um, Fozzie...
Fozzie Yes, sweetheart.
Raquel Do you... Do you think there's a…
Fozzie Yes, baby, say it!
Raquel ...even the slightest possibility that...
Fozzie Yes!
Raquel might want to go to my dressing room… and… have a cup of tea?
Fozzie (sheepish) You... You and me?
Raquel Uh-huh.
Fozzie ... Could I bring a friend?

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef waving utensils. A nervous chicken sits on the cutting board. He hits the chicken's head as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef (singing in mock Swedish) … børk børk børk!
He tosses the utensils. The chicken cowers.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) …de chickëe in de båskët. Of cøürse, hëre de little chickëe.
Swedish Chef Ånd øver hëre, de båskët.
The chicken runs away; the Chef chases her.
Swedish Chef Hey, chickëe! Oh, cøme båck hëre, chickëe!
He catches the chicken, dribbling her like a basketball. He shoots her into the hoop, and she lands in the pot. He carries the pot to the table.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) de chickëe … Thåt twø pøïnts.


Fozzie rushes up to Kermit with a piece of paper.
Fozzie Kermit! Kermit! Kermit! Oh, listen, you've gotta read this!
Kermit What? You're still on the assertive kick, Fozzie?
Fozzie Well, kind of, but listen, Kermit, you are gonna love this. I have just written the greatest joke in the world! It's the all-time comedy classic. Kermit, in the history of show business, there has never been, or will there ever be, a joke this funny. Here, read it, go ahead, read it. Ahhh. Yeah.
Kermit looks over the paper.
Fozzie Ahhh?
Kermit It's not funny.
Fozzie I got a better one. (dashes off)

Dressing room

Piggy approaches Raquel in her dressing room.
Miss Piggy Uh, excuse moi, Raquel. I just wanted to come by and welcome you to my show.
Raquel Why, thank you, Miss Piggy, but, I understood that you weren't too uh, well, happy about me being on the show.
Miss Piggy Oh— where did you ever get that idea?
Raquel Well, believe me, I understand. After all, it is your show, and I'm just a guest here.
Miss Piggy Oh! Raquel, Raquel, Raquel! The burdens of being an international sex goddess.
Raquel Yes, well, I suppose.
Miss Piggy It must be nearly as tough for you.
Raquel Mmm-hmm.
Miss Piggy You know, sometimes, I really feel like renouncing the whole thing, the whole image.
Raquel Yes, me too. It gets to be kind of a bore, doesn't it?
Miss Piggy Mmm-hmm.
Raquel Oh, but there's still a lot of joy left in being a woman. Don't you agree?
Miss Piggy Mmm-hmm.
Raquel And I plan to gather up all I can while it lasts. (grins)
Scooter Oh, Raquel? Stand by for your solo number.
A beat.
Miss Piggy Solo?
Raquel Yes. You don't mind, do you?
Miss Piggy Of course not. I... I... Oh, is that the costume for the solo number? How sweet.
Raquel Thank you. They made it especially for me.
Miss Piggy Oh, uh, especially pour vous. Hmm, how très très happy I am pour vous.
Raquel Oh, merci beaucoup, Miss Piggy. Vous ç'est très enchantez avec moi.
Miss Piggy Yeah, yeah, whatever. Uh, I, uh... I think I shall go now to be up close where I can really see you.
Raquel Why, thank you. In the front row?
Miss Piggy Closer than that.
She exits. Raquel looks confused.

"I'm a Woman"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Now, once again, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our wonderful and indescribable, fantastic guest star... Is she... Is she ready yet?
Voice behind curtain Who?
Kermit Raquel.
Voice behind curtain Oh, yeah, yeah.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, Raquel Welch!
Open on Raquel standing on a proscenium.

I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have 'em hangin' out on the line.
I can starch and iron two dozens shirts 'fore you can count from one to nine.

Piggy approaches her, wearing a matching outfit.
Miss Piggy

Well, I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippin's can,
Throw it in the skillet, go out and do my shopping, and be back before it melts in the pan!

Piggy & Raquel

'Cause I'm a woman!
Like to say it again.

Raquel I can rub and scrub this house till it's shinin' just like a dime.
Miss Piggy Feed the baby, grease the car and powder my face, all at the same time.

I can get all dressed up, go out and swing till 4 A.M. and then,
Lay down at 5:OO, jump up at 6:OO and start all over again!

Piggy & Raquel

'Cause I'm a woman!

Raquel Like to say it again.
Miss Piggy Ha, ha! Yes, we would!
Raquel If you come to me sickly you know that I'm gonna make you well.
Miss Piggy If you come to me hexed up, you know I'm gonna break the spell..

If you come to me hungry you know I'm gonna fill you all full of grits.
If it's lovin' you're lackin' I'll kiss you and give you the shiverin' fits.

Miss Piggy Oh yes!
Piggy & Raquel

'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N! (Whoo!)
Like to say it again.

Raquel I can stretch a greenback dollar bill from here to kingdom come.
Miss Piggy I can play the numbers, pay the bills and still end up with some.
Raquel Uh-huh.

I got a 20 dollar gold piece says there ain't nothing I can't do.
I can make a dress out of a food sack …

Miss Piggy You can what?
Raquel I said I can make a dress out of a food sack.
Miss Piggy What do you do with a food sack dress?
Raquel Well honey, I can make anything look good.
Miss Piggy Oh, yes!
Piggy & Raquel

'Cause I'm a woman!
W-O-M-A-N! (Ha-ha!)
Like to say it again. (Hoo-hoo!) 'Cause I'm a woman!

Raquel W-O…
Miss Piggy Ahem! P… I…
Piggy & Raquel G.

And that's all!



Kermit Well, we've done everything we had planned to do, so I seriously suspect that this is the end. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you to our very special guest star, Miss Raquel Welch, yaaaay! All right! Oh, wow! Oh, yeah!
Raquel Oh, thank you very much, Kermit. I had a wonderful time, but I don't think I changed my image.
Fozzie Hey, Raquel, sweetie, baby, wanna go tell a joke together? Ahhh.
Kermit Uh, you may not have changed your image, but I think you may have changed ours.
Fozzie Aaaahhh.
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie Bye-bye!
The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
Statler Have you ever thought there must be life after death?
Waldorf Every time I leave this theater.
They chuckle. Statler collapses.