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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 312: James Coco.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter James Coco! James Coco? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Coco.
James Ah, thank you, Scooter. Would you tell wardrobe I'd like this jacket pressed?
Scooter Sure! Hey, wardrobe! Press that jacket!
The wardrobe tips over, pinning James to the floor.
Scooter Anything else?
James, no. Nothing at all. Everything's just perfect. Really.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star James Coco! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Beauregard rushes toward the screen, carrying some paper.
Beauregard Here's your script! WHOAH!
He trips and falls, sending the papers flying.
Four horns surround Gonzo and play a fanfare, startling him.

Opening number

Kermit enters to applause, wearing a swimming cap.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where our guest star tonight is the wonderful and very talented Mr. James Coco. But first - first, we're going to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy. So, without more ado, last one in is a sissy! (paddles out)
Robin the Frog and Kermit sing "Octopus' Garden" with an aquatic band, Miss Piggy as a mermaid and Animal, who's chased by a large stingray.
Waldorf Well, that was different.
Statler Did you like it?
Waldorf No.
Statler Then it wasn't different! (both laugh)


Scooter watches as the aquatic creatures exit the stage. Kermit dries himself off with a towel.
Scooter Uh, ya' get any water on the stage, boss?
Kermit Uh, yeah, but it's okay. The next act'll take care of it. Okay, Dancing Sponges, you're on!
The trio of Dancing Sponges make their way to the stage.
Scooter Smart thinkin'. (exits)
Piggy hops her way backstage, panting.
Piggy Oh, how was I, Kermie?
Kermit Oh, you were great in that last number, Piggy.
Piggy Oh, thank you, Kermie. You know, I really liked the water.
Kermit Oh, I'm glad.
Piggy Mm-hmm. Which means after we're married, we can live at your place.
Kermit ...uh, yeah. (grimaces)
Piggy (struggling in her costume) Ugh. Kermit, w-ugh-would you help me take this mermaid outfit off? Ugh.
Kermit Oh. You mean do the zipper back here?
Piggy Yes, back there. The zipper. It's just..
Kermit unzips the outfit. Piggy sighs with relief.
Piggy What a relief! Oh, thank you-oh!
Piggy's outfit begins to slide off, partially revealing her undergarments.
Piggy Don't look, don't look!
Kermit Oh, yeah. (covers face with towel)
Piggy No peeking!
Piggy walks away, more of her undergarments being revealed. Kermit takes a peak.
Kermit Yeesh.
The two gasp as Piggy runs off and Kermit covers his eyes again. The Sponges return, dripping wet.
Kermit Uh, uh, okay, did you get the, uh, stage all dried up?
Sponge Oh, I think so.
Kermit Good.
The Sponges shake off some water everywhere and exit. Kermit sighs and heads for the stage.

Fozzie's fortune

Kermit enters to fanfare.
Kermit And now, our very special guest star James Coco portraying a medium who will attempt to predict the future of a character who has no future. Curtain!
GONG! The curtains open on Fozzie, in the lair of a fortune teller.
Fozzie Boy, oh, boy, am I ever excited! I've never been to a real gypsy clairvoyant before. They say that for ten dollars, he'll read your mind. I wonder what he'd see in mine.
James (entering through the beaded curtains) Three dollars change!
James does a slight dance as he makes his way to his seat by Fozzie. He lets out a wail.
Fozzie Oh! Oh, are you Dr. Coco, the Happy Medium?
James That's right, that's right!
Fozzie Oh!
James And you...
Fozzie Yes.
James uses his powers to move Fozzie to and fro.
James are Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie (still in motion) And I am seasick! Please stop me. Thank you.
James grabs hold of Fozzie, keeping him still.
James Better?
Fozzie I've got to know one thing!
James Yes, I can!
Fozzie Can you predict the futur-
James I just did.
Fozzie Oh! I want to know what my future in romance will be.
James Let me see in my crystal ball with speak to me!
James places the crystal ball on the table. He waves his hands and crosses his eyes. He lifts the cover, revealing Beauregard, head only, inside the ball.
Beauregard Howdy.
James screams in fright and covers the ball back up.
James Bad news.
Fozzie Wha-wha-wha-what?!
James It spoke to me!
Fozzie Do you see a tall, cute stranger?
James (partially unveiling the ball) It could be taller, could be cuter, but it couldn't be stranger!
James fully unveils the ball.
Beauregard Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie Beauregard, I want to get my future told!
Beauregard I want to get my head out.
James I just want to get on with this sketch. I mean...
Fozzie Bu-but, bu-bu-but, you're a medium!
James A me-are you kidding, medium? I'm an extra large!
Suddenly, a spirt appears beside them, laughing. They all shriek in fear.
Chester Howdy, y'all! Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?
James Uh, no, no.
Fozzie Uh, n-no, no, no, no.
Chester Aw, shucks. I'm Chester Pugh. I-I'm due to show up at their seance.
Fozzie Are ya' late?
Chester Of course, I'm the late Chester Pugh!
Fozzie Never.
Chester Better late than never!
James But, this isn't even a real seance!
Chester It isn't?
Fozzie Well, hold... Wait, wait. Jimmy, you mean... he's not part of the sketch?
James No.
Fozzie (gasps)
James This is a show!
Chester A show? (notices the viewing audience) Aw, say, I'd like to say, "Hello," to ma and pa and all the night shift down at Schinder's. This one's for everybody on the other side.
Chester begins to sing "Danny Boy." James shakes his head in disgust.
Fozzie What's wrong?
James Pretty bad.
Fozzie Huh?
James No good.
Fozzie Why?
James I mean, well, it's just, no rhythm, no pace. Not even good looking.
Fozzie Jimmy?
James Hm?
Fozzie Jimmy, i-is this supposed to go this way?
James Of course not! I didn't know we'd get a real ghost.
Fozzie Oh...
Suddenly, Beauregard and the table begin to lift above the ground.
James Oh, look!
Fozzie Oh, oh, ah, Jimmy!
James The table is levitating!
Fozzie Ah, ah! Beauregard, watch out! You're gonna get killed!
Beauregard No, I'm going to get lunch!
Beauregard leaves, carrying the table with him. Chester is still singing away.
Fozzie Well, what do we do now?
With no other option, the two sing "Danny Boy" with Chester. He disappears as the song wraps up and the duo take their bows.
Waldorf What was that?
Statler It's called "The Medium Sketch."
Waldorf "The Medium Sketch?"
Statler Yeah, it wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done! (both laugh)


Sam watches as Fozzie and Beauregard, still in the crystal ball, pass by.
Sam That was disgusting! You aught to be ashamed of yourself!
Floyd scoots in.
Sam Ugh, that sketch was the last straw. That does it - I am leaving!
Floyd is unresponsive.
Sam Well? Don't you have anything to say to me before I go?
Floyd ...oh, yeah!
Sam Hm?
Floyd On your way out, would you empty the garbage? (exits, laughing)
Sam Beatnik! I have spent my last moment in this theater.
Rowlf passes by, carrying a bust of Ludwig von Beethoven.
Rowlf Aw, that's too bad, Sam! You're gonna miss my tribute to Beethoven.
Sam I don't care, as long as...Beethoven?
Rowlf Mm-hmm.
Sam A-are you serious?
Rowlf Would I joke about Beethoven? He's my idol! See? (exits)
Sam Ah, Beethoven, at last! Oh, well, for Beethoven I'll stay - he's my favorite playwright.

"Eight Little Notes"

Rowlf (playing the scale) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Rowlf plays "Eight Little Notes" with the help of his singing bust of Beethoven.

UK spot

Kermit Okay, Robin, well, time to go to sleep.
Robin But I can't, Uncle Kermit. I'm afraid of snakes.
Kermit (looks around) Snakes? Snakes? Well, um... Well, th-th-there aren't any snakes around here.
Robin Unless they're under the bed.
Kermit (yelps, looks around) No, no, no, no, no, no snakes under the bed.
Robin Oh, this really isn't helping, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit Oh. Well, lis — listen, Robin. If you just close your eyes and think about it, why, why, snakes can be very beautiful.
Robin (sigh)
Robin envisions a quartet of snakes dancing to an upbeat version of "In a Persian Market."
Robin You know, Uncle Kermit, snakes are really very nice.
Zoom out to reveal the snakes in the bedroom, surrounding the bed.
Snakes Thank you. (hisssssss)
Kermit (with Robin) Uh, you're welcome.
Robin Hi.


Kermit (through the intercom) Okay. Uh, set up the kitchen. The Swedish Chef is on next.
James (comes downstairs) Oh, Kermit, you have a terrific show here.
Kermit Oh, oh, well, thank you, James. It's not exactly Broadway...
James Oh, you mean with all the girls and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?
Kermit Yeah, I guess so.
James Well, you don't need it. I mean, this show moves. It's got pace, pace, pace. You know what I mean?
Kermit Pace?
James You got it. I mean, you only need razzle dazzle if you've got a dull, slow-moving act, you know?
Kermit (nods) Yeah.
James But I have been watching this show. It is dynamic. It is full of sex appeal. It is fast paced. You do not need razzle dazzle. You've got …
The Chef passes by, singing slowly in mock Swedish.
James What is that?
Kermit (nervous) Uh... the next act.
James (nods) … You need razzle dazzle.
Kermit (nods) I thought so.
James Look, get some musicians, chorus girls, dancers, anything that moves. Quick! Quick!
Kermit (rushes off) Right. Yes, sir — I'm — I'm on my way. I'm on my way.
James Hurry, Kermit. — What can I do about the lights? Ah. Switch. There we go.
He flicks one switch and the lights go out.
James Uh, wrong one.
He flicks it again and the lights go back on.
James Fantastic.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef with two cooking utensils.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the utensils and picks up a banana.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de bånånå-nå … nå-nå, nå-nå.
He peels it, then wields an axe.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) pëêl de bånånå-nå, nå-nå, nå-nå. (mock Swedish) de bånånå splït!
He strikes the axe, but misses the banana and knocks a pot over when hears Mexican dancers yelling. The dancers take the stage, bewildering him.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
The pot lands on his head. He feels around.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … whëre de bånånå-nå? (picks up the axe) De bånånå splït?
He strikes the axe, but misses the banana and hits a sack of flour. The dancers take the stage again. The Chef raises his fist in anger.
Swedish Chef (yells in mock Swedish, thinks) Å-hå! (feels around) … bånånå-nå, nå-nå, nå-nå, pëël. Bånånå pëël.
He tosses the peel on the ground and beckons the dancers.
Swedish Chef Hø-hø! Ëntër.
The dancers pass through again, and repeatedly slip on the banana peel. The Chef claps.
Swedish Chef Ånd nøw, bånånå splït!
He accidentally throws up the axe, which lands in the pot on his head. Shaken, he splits the banana with his hands.
Waldorf Well, the Chef's done it again.
Statler Done what?
Waldorf Nothing.
They chuckle.


James witnesses the dancers and Chef come backstage.
James Is he gonna be all right?
Kermit … I doubt it. He never has been.
James Yeah. Well, what's next?
Kermit Let's see. Um... A singer.
James Oh, good. Now we can relax. Singing is always good. Music is terrific.
Wayne passes by, singing "Catch a Falling Star" off-key. James facepalms.
James Kermit, we have a lot of work to do. (Kermit nods)

"Catch a Falling Star"

Wayne appears in an outdoor set at night. As he sings, he and a falling star enact the lyrics.

Catch a falling star
and put in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day
For love may come
and tap you on the should-

Wayne's pants are smoking. Scooter runs in and taps him on the shoulder, throwing off the song.
Scooter Hey, your pants are on fire!
Wayne starless...

The set brightens up. A pig comes in and sprays him with a fire extinguisher.
Wayne Uh, what are you doing?! What are you doing?!
Three of the Spanish dancers pass through, wearing two snakes, and singing some more. Wayne runs out, screaming in pain.


Kermit Well, um, ahem, well, you can't win 'em all.
James I'd settle for a tie.
Wayne passes by, yelping, still aflame.
Wayne What did you guys do to me? I almost got killed out there. (yelps)
James (winces) Almost? Oh well. What's next?
Kermit Uh, oh, oh, well, let's see, uh… Veterinarian's Hospital.
James Veterinarian's Hospital?
Kermit Uh, yeah, it's this part where we … we tell bad jokes and, uh... and it's death. (shakes head)
James Uh-huh. Well, I have just the thing that will liven it up. It never fails.
Kermit Oh, yeah?
James Girls.
Kermit Uh … gir — oh, yeah!
James Right! Gir- say it.
Kermit Girls.
James Alright! (through the intercom) Girls! (pats Kermit)

Veterinarian's Hospital

The theme music plays. Nurse Piggy poses for photographs as Dr. Bob snaps the camera. One of the conga dancers from earlier is on the operating table.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf (to patient) Say cheese.
Patient (moans in pain)
Rowlf Close enough. (laughs)
Piggy Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf!
He ditches the camera as they focus on the sketch.
Rowlf Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Piggy (coughs)
Rowlf Uh, and now...uh, yes, nurse, uh, tell me what's wrong with this patient.
Janice Oh, Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis!
Rowlf I don't care how cute it is, it has to come out!
The medics all laugh laugh. Rowlf slaps the patient in hysterics. Backstage, James speaks into the intercom.
James Music. Lights. Dancers. Quick!
Back on stage, the medics continue laughing. Suddenly, a small kickline of showgirls parades through the set, as the spotlights flash and a short, brassy tune plays.
Piggy Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate with those girls dancing by?
Rowlf Easy - I never take my eyes off them! (all laugh)
James Bring on the girls, quick!
Piggy (laughing) Here they come again!
The girls dance by again, in the opposite direction.
James That's the girls?
Piggy Dr. Bob, why do they keep dancing that way?
Rowlf That's the way they get their kicks! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice Ooooo, wow. I'd love to be on Broadway.
Rowlf Yeah, I can see your name in lights - 25 watts!
He laughs and slaps the patient, who groans in pain.
Janice "Twenty-five watts?" That's not very bright.
Rowlf Look who's talkin'! (all laugh)
They all watch as the girls dance by once more.
James This is good. This is excellent.
Rowlf I've changed my mind! I am not taking out the appendix.
Piggy What are you talking out?
Rowlf The blonde on the end! (laughs with Piggy, Janice groans)
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Piggy (clears throat) Dr. Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl. What about the patient?
Rowlf Why should I go out with someone who's sick?
They all laugh as the closing music plays. Up in the balcony, Waldorf returns to his seat.
Statler Any luck?
Waldorf No, I checked all the doors - they got us locked in.


The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit (nods) Okay.
Miss Piggy Kermit, what's with those showgirls?
Kermit Uh, well, we just kind of threw them in.
Miss Piggy Yeah? Well, throw 'em out.
Kermit Um, yeah.
James Kermit, I'm ready for my closing number.
Kermit Oh? Oh, good. Uh, listen, uh, y'know, things — I realize things have been a little ragged so far, but just wait till you see the closing number we have planned for you.
James Oh. (rubs hands)
Kermit It's a wonderful thing. We have staircases and waterfalls. We have colored lights and wind machines and thirty-eight chorus girls … (James shakes his head) … does the fact that you're shaking your head from side to side mean what I think it does?
James That's right. Kermit, I would — I would really like... I'd like a change of pace. I'd like — I'd like to do something simple, y'know, something small.
Kermit Yeah, but - but closing numbers are big extravaganzas.
James No, no, no. Small. Small, Kermit.
Kermit Small.
James Small.
Kermit Yeah, but usually...
James No, Kermit... Really small.
Kermit Really small?
James Yeah, small. Trust me.
Kermit Small?
James Just introduce me.
Kermit Yeah, but — (stammers)
James Kermit, you're gonna love it. I promise you, you're really gonna love it. Now, Kermit, just introduce me. (pushes him onstage)

"Short People"

Kermit enters to fanfare.
Kermit Uh, well, uh, here once again, ladies and gentlemen, is our guest star, James Coco, in a very small, gigantic finale. Hit it, guys!
The curtains open. As a band of short Muppets play the opening vamp, James makes his way on the set.
James Hi, guys. (to chorus girls) You look gorgeous! Terrific.
James sings "Short People."
James (to the band) I hope I haven't offended you. You know, I-I was short once myself.
As James and the group take a bow, Thog bursts onto the set.
Thog (chuckling) H-hi, shorty!
James faints.


Kermit Okay! Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one because the very next thing I'm going to do is ask our special guest star to say good night. Mr. James Coco! YAAAYYY!
Applause. James comes out and bows.
James Ah, Kermit, thank you. I really enjoyed myself tonight.
Kermit Oh, I'm glad. I just loved your number with the short people.
James Did you? You don't think they resented it, do you?
Kermit Oh, no. They j— they loved it. Right, short people?
They wave flags and cheer.
James You were wonderful, all of you.
Short man Thank you, Jimmy.
They start carrying Kermit.
Kermit Whoa! Hey, hey! Put me down. Put me down! We'll see you next time — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets come out as the credits roll.
Waldorf Well, shall we leave?
Statler Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.
They chuckle.