Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we've got a terrific show tonight because our special guest is one of the world's greatest singing talents, Helen Reddy. But right now, we whisk you back through time and space to the palace of Versailles, where Marie Antoinette bears a striking resemblance to our own Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy portrays Marie Antoinette, who leads her subjects in a performance of "Stayin' Alive," until a guillotine outside scares them off.
Statler
Well, I'll say this for them.
Waldorf
What's that?
Statler
They don't show favoritism. They offend everyone.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The pigs pass by Kermit.
Pig (JN)
Aw, come on. Let us eat cake! Let us eat cake!
Kermit
Not only historically wrong, but hysterically wrong.
Pig (RH)
(sniff) Sacré bleu!
Kermit
Uh — what does that mean?
Pig (RH)
Sacred blue. (leaves)
Kermit
Mesh. What a mess this place is. Hey Beauregard, I've got a job for you.
Beauregard
Oh, good.
Kermit
Just look at this mess.
Beauregard
Okay. That sounds easy enough. (looks at the mess)
Kermit
Beauregard, the floor needs sweeping. There's a broom around here someplace.
Beauregard
Oh, yes, there it is.
Kermit
Well, well, step on it.
Beauregard
Okay.
He steps on it, and it hits him in the face.
Beauregard
Hey, that's a neat trick.
Kermit
Beauregard, use some elbow grease! (goes onstage)
Beauregard
Elbow grease?
He stretches his elbow and notices it's rusty.
Beauregard
Why didn't I think of that?
"Blue"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
And now, it's an honor to have one of the world's greatest recording stars, and here she is, swinging up a storm at an informal session in the Muppets' private studio, ladies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy!
Open on a recording studio. Floyd counts in Helen.
Floyd
One, two. One, two, three...
Helen sings "Blue" as the band backs her up.
Engineer (SW)
Hey, Roger, how's the balance?
Roger
I think Animal's a little too loud on the drums.
Engineer (SW)
Oh, okay. Hey, Animal. Animal!
Animal briefly intensifies his drumming. Helen continues, joined by some backup singers. Animal concludes with a drum solo. Applause.
Waldorf
You know, if I had a voice like Helen Reddy, I'd never be on The Muppet Show.
Statler
Right. If you had a voice like Helen Reddy, you'd be in a side show!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Ah, hey, very good, Beauregard, it really looks great. You've swept it spotless and polished it, too.
Beauregard
Well, I couldn't find any elbow grease.
Kermit
I expect not.
Beauregard
So I used axle grease.
Kermit slips down the stairs. Gladys passes by and also slips.
Gladys
(gets up) Brother!
Kermit
Beauregard, what kind of an idiot are you?
Beauregard
Aw … I didn't know there was a choice.
Kermit
Floyd, watch out!
Floyd
Huh? Whoa! (slips and gets up) What a drag.
Kermit gets up, then slides over into Beau's arms.
Kermit
Uh, Beauregard, uh, how do you manage to stay upright?
Beauregard
Well, I'm wearing these special shoes. You want to borrow them?
Kermit
I don't think I can get anyplace without 'em.
Beauregard
Good.
Kermit
Okay. (grunts) I got to get my flippers into these slippers.
Beauregard
These are non-slippers.
Kermit
Yeah. Okay, what is the secret of these miracle shoes?
Beauregard
Oh, there's no secret. I just nailed them to the floor.
Kermit teeters.
Dressing room[]
Helen puts on lipstick. Animal knocks at the door.
Animal
Helen!
Swedish Chef
Hëllø! Hëllø?
Helen
Come in. … Come in!
Animal
Thank you!
Animal and the Chef enter, chattering. They take their positions and sing "Happy Birthday to You".
Helen
Wait. Wait — there's been some mistake. Today is not my birthday.
Animal and the Chef look at each other, and start singing "Jingle Bells" instead.
Fozzie's dance[]
Main stage. Beauregard gives a speech.
Beauregard
And so my great Uncle Beauregard said to me, he said, "Beauregard, you go into show business, and you'll clean up." (looks at his mop) You know something? He was right.
Statler
You're named Beauregard after him?
Beauregard
About forty years after.
Kermit
Beauregard!
Beauregard
(mops) Oh! I'm working! I'm working.
Kermit
That's what I was afraid of. Stop that polishing.
Beauregard
But I've only done a little bit.
Kermit
(shoves) Get off! Off, off, off, off! Uh — and now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to have a brilliant dance number by our own Fozzie Bear and friends. But, uh, excuse me one second. Fozzie?
Fozzie
Yeah — yeah, what, what?
Kermit
Uh, Fozzie, be careful. There's a very slippery place on the stage out here.
Fozzie
Where is that?
Kermit
I don't know, it's right around here some-WHA! (slips and falls)
Fozzie
Thank you.
Kermit pulls himself up by the curtain.
Kermit
Uh, curtain!
The curtain drags him away as it opens. An instrumental of "Tea for Two" plays as Fozzie and three Whatnots dance their way onstage.
Fozzie
Ahaaa. (slips) WHOA! (gets up) Uh, be careful, there's a wet spot right here on the stage.
He continues dancing. The Whatnot trio dances behind him.
Fozzie
Careful. It's right there, it's right there. Terrific, guys. You look great. (slips) WHOA!
The trio dances towards the front of the stage. Fozzie tries to steer them clear.
Fozzie
Uh, guys, be careful, there's a place right here. Watch out, there's a wet place! Watch out, right there!
He sees them dance flawlessly over the spot.
Fozzie
What the...? (slips) WHOA!
He tries to form a line with them. He slips, and soon causes them to slip as well.
Fozzie
Go to the front, I'll go back here. … Hey! Whoa!
The scene ends in chaos.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here is a Muppet News Flash. (rushes to the desk) Dateline Silver Spring, Maryland. At this very moment, Mr. and Mrs. George Lazer of Silver Spring, are attempting to break the record for over-hand refrigerator throwing, and...
CRASH! A refrigerator lands near him.
UK spot[]
Rowlf plays Beethoven's "Pathétique." A bust of Beethoven sits upon his piano.
Rowlf
(hums)
Bust of Beethoven
(snores)
Rowlf plays loudly to wake the dozing bust.
Rowlf
(hums)
Bust of Beethoven
Don't hum.
Rowlf
Yes, sir.
The bust nods off again.
Bust of Beethoven
(snores)
Rowlf plays loudly to wake the bust, three times in a row. Applause.
"You and Me Against the World"[]
Open on a forest setting. Kermit sits on Helen's lap.
Kermit
You know, Helen, you did a song about, um, oh, I don't know, a few years ago. It's one of my very favorite songs of all time.
Helen
Really? Which one was it?
Kermit
Well, it was called "You and Me Against the World".
Helen
Oh, sure. That was a song I did with my daughter.
Kermit
Oh, yeah?
Helen
Yeah.
Kermit
You did it with your daughter?
Helen
Mm-hmm.
Kermit
Well, uh, do you suppose that, um, you could do it with a frog?
Music swells up.
Helen
You mean just you and me?
Kermit
Mm-hmm.
Helen
I think so.
She and Kermit sing the song.
Backstage[]
Scooter
Hey, Beau?
Beauregard
Yes, sir?
Scooter
I see the floors are no longer slippery.
Beauregard
Oh, well, that's probably 'cause Kermit told me to spread a little sand around.
Scooter
A little sand … somebody ought to teach you the meaning of "a little", though.
Zoom out to reveal Scooter waist-deep in sand. Kermit enters.
Kermit
I don't believe this!
A camel enters.
Scooter
You believe that?
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Piggy examines her stocking on the operating table. Rowlf looks at her leg through a pair of binoculars.
Announcer
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf
Hubba hubba.
Miss Piggy
(puts her leg down) Oh! Mmm.
Rowlf
So, where's the next patient?
Janice
Oh, right here, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf
Oh. Oh, look at that. Hey, he looks cold. We'd better turn up the heat.
Miss Piggy
Dr. Bob, those are not earmuffs he's wearing. He was in the recording studio. Don't you know about headsets?
Rowlf
Of course. The head sets on the neck, the neck sets on the shoulders. (laughs with Janice)
Miss Piggy
(groans)
Rowlf
I learned that the first year in doctor class.
Janice
Dr. Bob, have you forgotten about the patient?
Rowlf
No, the patient is the one who's sick. I learned that the second year. (laughs)
Miss Piggy
No, Dr. Bob, this patient. He's lost his hearing.
Rowlf
Well, maybe he dropped it some place. I'll look under the table. What kind was it? A clip on or one of those pierce jobs?
Janice
Not his earring, his hearing, Dr. Bob. This man can't hear anything.
Miss Piggy
Ehh. He's lucky. I've heard every dumb word.
Rowlf
Well, let's get these off. (removes the headset) There we go.
Janice
Can you hear me?
Rowlf
Of course I can hear you.
Janice
Not you, him.
Rowlf
How can I hear him? He hasn't said a word. (laughs)
Janice
(groans)
Miss Piggy
If Florence Nightingale had to put up with this, she'd have been a waitress.
Rowlf
Well, I can't do anything about his hearing now. Call me tomorrow.
Janice
No, Dr. Bob. You're responsible for his ears.
Miss Piggy
Hmm.
Rowlf
You're right. Call me ear-responsible, call me …
Miss Piggy
(groans)
They look up as the announcer speaks.
Announcer
And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf
Ah … no wonder he can't hear anything. He has a tiny little drum in there, it'll have to come out.
Miss Piggy
No, no, no. That's his ear drum. That stays.
Rowlf
What about the tiny little piano and bass?
He laughs. Piggy and Janice groan.
"Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport"[]
A group of outback Whatnots sing a few choruses of "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" as the entire scenery goes into a hopping frenzy, except for the kangaroo.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Well, uh, no more sand. And the slipperiness is gone. (Rowlf, Janice and Piggy go by) Hey, nice goin', guys! Way to go.
Beauregard
Well, that takes care of the sand.
Kermit
Yep. And I'm glad to be rid of it.
Beauregard
Yeah, I swept all the sand out of here.
Kermit
Now, where did you put it?
Beauregard
Next door.
Kermit
But that's the stage!
Beauregard
… what are we gonna do?
Kermit
What — what can we do? Uh, get some costumes.
Beauregard
Costumes…
Fozzie and Scooter rush to his aid.
Kermit
Scooter! Get a couple of tents. Fozzie, a palm tree.
Beauregard
(over Kermit) Tents! … Palm tree!
Scooter
Tents? (shrugs) Tents! Tents! Tents?
Kermit
And bring back that camel! Camel!
Fozzie
You're lucky! I just happen to have a palm tree here.
"We'll Sing in the Sunshine"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Uh, a-and now once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star... Uh, are you ready back there?
Voice (FO)
No, we're not ready.
Kermit
Oh... well, uh, I'll — I'll just tell you something about uh, Helen Reddy.
Voice (FO)
I said we weren't ready.
Kermit
I wasn't talking to you.
Voice (FO)
Okay, we're ready.
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy! Oh, I hope this works!
In a desert paradise, Helen performs "We'll Sing in the Sunshine" while dancing with the camel.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Now, we could go on like this for hours, but we've grown to like you, so we'll stop. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, Helen Reddy. Yaaay!
Applause as she comes out.
Helen
Thank you, Kermit. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed working with a camel.