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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 313: Helen Reddy.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Helen Reddy? Uh, thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Reddy.
Helen (powdering her face) Okay, Scooter. I'll be there. "Reddy" or not.
Scooter Yeah... did you mean to make that joke?
Helen Well, I meant to make that joke before someone else did.
Scooter Oh … You think we'd stoop that low?
Fozzie Hey, three to get Reddy!
Helen … Lower.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Helen Reddy! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Hey! There's chickens in our seat!
Statler Shoo!
Musical notes come out of Gonzo's horn.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we've got a terrific show tonight because our special guest is one of the world's greatest singing talents, Helen Reddy. But right now, we whisk you back through time and space to the palace of Versailles, where Marie Antoinette bears a striking resemblance to our own Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy portrays Marie Antoinette, who leads her subjects in a performance of "Stayin' Alive," until a guillotine outside scares them off.
Statler Well, I'll say this for them.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler They don't show favoritism. They offend everyone.
They chuckle.


The pigs pass by Kermit.
Pig (JN) Aw, come on. Let us eat cake! Let us eat cake!
Kermit Not only historically wrong, but hysterically wrong.
Pig (RH) (sniff) Sacré bleu!
Kermit Uh — what does that mean?
Pig (RH) Sacred blue. (leaves)
Kermit Mesh. What a mess this place is. Hey Beauregard, I've got a job for you.
Beauregard Oh, good.
Kermit Just look at this mess.
Beauregard Okay. That sounds easy enough. (looks at the mess)
Kermit Beauregard, the floor needs sweeping. There's a broom around here someplace.
Beauregard Oh, yes, there it is.
Kermit Well, well, step on it.
Beauregard Okay.
He steps on it, and it hits him in the face.
Beauregard Hey, that's a neat trick.
Kermit Beauregard, use some elbow grease! (goes onstage)
Beauregard Elbow grease?
He stretches his elbow and notices it's rusty.
Beauregard Why didn't I think of that?


Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit And now, it's an honor to have one of the world's greatest recording stars, and here she is, swinging up a storm at an informal session in the Muppets' private studio, ladies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy!
Open on a recording studio. Floyd counts in Helen.
Floyd One, two. One, two, three...
Helen sings "Blue" as the band backs her up.
Engineer (SW) Hey, Roger, how's the balance?
Roger I think Animal's a little too loud on the drums.
Engineer (SW) Oh, okay. Hey, Animal. Animal!
Animal briefly intensifies his drumming. Helen continues, joined by some backup singers. Animal concludes with a drum solo. Applause.
Waldorf You know, if I had a voice like Helen Reddy, I'd never be on The Muppet Show.
Statler Right. If you had a voice like Helen Reddy, you'd be in a side show!
They chuckle.


Kermit Ah, hey, very good, Beauregard, it really looks great. You've swept it spotless and polished it, too.
Beauregard Well, I couldn't find any elbow grease.
Kermit I expect not.
Beauregard So I used axle grease.
Kermit slips down the stairs. Gladys passes by and also slips.
Gladys (gets up) Brother!
Kermit Beauregard, what kind of an idiot are you?
Beauregard Aw … I didn't know there was a choice.
Kermit Floyd, watch out!
Floyd Huh? Whoa! (slips and gets up) What a drag.
Kermit gets up, then slides over into Beau's arms.
Kermit Uh, Beauregard, uh, how do you manage to stay upright?
Beauregard Well, I'm wearing these special shoes. You want to borrow them?
Kermit I don't think I can get anyplace without 'em.
Beauregard Good.
Kermit Okay. (grunts) I got to get my flippers into these slippers.
Beauregard These are non-slippers.
Kermit Yeah. Okay, what is the secret of these miracle shoes?
Beauregard Oh, there's no secret. I just nailed them to the floor.
Kermit teeters.

Dressing room

Helen puts on lipstick. Animal knocks at the door.
Animal Helen!
Swedish Chef Hëllø! Hëllø?
Helen Come in. … Come in!
Animal Thank you!
Animal and the Chef enter, chattering. They take their positions and sing "Happy Birthday to You".
Helen Wait. Wait — there's been some mistake. Today is not my birthday.
Animal and the Chef look at each other, and start singing "Jingle Bells" instead.

Fozzie's dance

Main stage. Beauregard gives a speech.
Beauregard And so my great Uncle Beauregard said to me, he said, "Beauregard, you go into show business, and you'll clean up." (looks at his mop) You know something? He was right.
Statler You're named Beauregard after him?
Beauregard About forty years after.
Kermit Beauregard!
Beauregard (mops) Oh! I'm working! I'm working.
Kermit That's what I was afraid of. Stop that polishing.
Beauregard But I've only done a little bit.
Kermit (shoves) Get off! Off, off, off, off! Uh — and now, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to have a brilliant dance number by our own Fozzie Bear and friends. But, uh, excuse me one second. Fozzie?
Fozzie Yeah — yeah, what, what?
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, be careful. There's a very slippery place on the stage out here.
Fozzie Where is that?
Kermit I don't know, it's right around here some-WHA! (slips and falls)
Fozzie Thank you.
Kermit pulls himself up by the curtain.
Kermit Uh, curtain!
The curtain drags him away as it opens. An instrumental of "Tea for Two" plays as Fozzie and three Whatnots dance their way onstage.
Fozzie Ahaaa. (slips) WHOA! (gets up) Uh, be careful, there's a wet spot right here on the stage.
He continues dancing. The Whatnot trio dances behind him.
Fozzie Careful. It's right there, it's right there. Terrific, guys. You look great. (slips) WHOA!
The trio dances towards the front of the stage. Fozzie tries to steer them clear.
Fozzie Uh, guys, be careful, there's a place right here. Watch out, there's a wet place! Watch out, right there!
He sees them dance flawlessly over the spot.
Fozzie What the...? (slips) WHOA!
He tries to form a line with them. He slips, and soon causes them to slip as well.
Fozzie Go to the front, I'll go back here. … Hey! Whoa!
The scene ends in chaos.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash. (rushes to the desk) Dateline Silver Spring, Maryland. At this very moment, Mr. and Mrs. George Lazer of Silver Spring, are attempting to break the record for over-hand refrigerator throwing, and...
CRASH! A refrigerator lands near him.

UK spot

Rowlf plays Beethoven's "Pathétique." A bust of Beethoven sits upon his piano.
Rowlf (hums)
Bust of Beethoven (snores)
Rowlf plays loudly to wake the dozing bust.
Rowlf (hums)
Bust of Beethoven Don't hum.
Rowlf Yes, sir.
The bust nods off again.
Bust of Beethoven (snores)
Rowlf plays loudly to wake the bust, three times in a row. Applause.

"You and Me Against the World"

Open on a forest setting. Kermit sits on Helen's lap.
Kermit You know, Helen, you did a song about, um, oh, I don't know, a few years ago. It's one of my very favorite songs of all time.
Helen Really? Which one was it?
Kermit Well, it was called "You and Me Against the World".
Helen Oh, sure. That was a song I did with my daughter.
Kermit Oh, yeah?
Helen Yeah.
Kermit You did it with your daughter?
Helen Mm-hmm.
Kermit Well, uh, do you suppose that, um, you could do it with a frog?
Music swells up.
Helen You mean just you and me?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Helen I think so.
She and Kermit sing the song.


Scooter Hey, Beau?
Beauregard Yes, sir?
Scooter I see the floors are no longer slippery.
Beauregard Oh, well, that's probably 'cause Kermit told me to spread a little sand around.
Scooter A little sand … somebody ought to teach you the meaning of "a little", though.
Zoom out to reveal Scooter waist-deep in sand. Kermit enters.
Kermit I don't believe this!
A camel enters.
Scooter You believe that?

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy examines her stocking on the operating table. Rowlf looks at her leg through a pair of binoculars.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Hubba hubba.
Miss Piggy (puts her leg down) Oh! Mmm.
Rowlf So, where's the next patient?
Janice Oh, right here, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Oh. Oh, look at that. Hey, he looks cold. We'd better turn up the heat.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, those are not earmuffs he's wearing. He was in the recording studio. Don't you know about headsets?
Rowlf Of course. The head sets on the neck, the neck sets on the shoulders. (laughs with Janice)
Miss Piggy (groans)
Rowlf I learned that the first year in doctor class.
Janice Dr. Bob, have you forgotten about the patient?
Rowlf No, the patient is the one who's sick. I learned that the second year. (laughs)
Miss Piggy No, Dr. Bob, this patient. He's lost his hearing.
Rowlf Well, maybe he dropped it some place. I'll look under the table. What kind was it? A clip on or one of those pierce jobs?
Janice Not his earring, his hearing, Dr. Bob. This man can't hear anything.
Miss Piggy Ehh. He's lucky. I've heard every dumb word.
Rowlf Well, let's get these off. (removes the headset) There we go.
Janice Can you hear me?
Rowlf Of course I can hear you.
Janice Not you, him.
Rowlf How can I hear him? He hasn't said a word. (laughs)
Janice (groans)
Miss Piggy If Florence Nightingale had to put up with this, she'd have been a waitress.
Rowlf Well, I can't do anything about his hearing now. Call me tomorrow.
Janice No, Dr. Bob. You're responsible for his ears.
Miss Piggy Hmm.
Rowlf You're right. Call me ear-responsible, call me …
Miss Piggy (groans)
They look up as the announcer speaks.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf Ah … no wonder he can't hear anything. He has a tiny little drum in there, it'll have to come out.
Miss Piggy No, no, no. That's his ear drum. That stays.
Rowlf What about the tiny little piano and bass?
He laughs. Piggy and Janice groan.

"Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport"

A group of outback Whatnots sing a few choruses of "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" as the entire scenery goes into a hopping frenzy, except for the kangaroo.


Kermit Well, uh, no more sand. And the slipperiness is gone. (Rowlf, Janice and Piggy go by) Hey, nice goin', guys! Way to go.
Beauregard Well, that takes care of the sand.
Kermit Yep. And I'm glad to be rid of it.
Beauregard Yeah, I swept all the sand out of here.
Kermit Now, where did you put it?
Beauregard Next door.
Kermit But that's the stage!
Beauregard … what are we gonna do?
Kermit What — what can we do? Uh, get some costumes.
Beauregard Costumes…
Fozzie and Scooter rush to his aid.
Kermit Scooter! Get a couple of tents. Fozzie, a palm tree.
Beauregard (over Kermit) Tents! … Palm tree!
Scooter Tents? (shrugs) Tents! Tents! Tents?
Kermit And bring back that camel! Camel!
Fozzie You're lucky! I just happen to have a palm tree here.

"We'll Sing in the Sunshine"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, a-and now once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star... Uh, are you ready back there?
Voice (FO) No, we're not ready.
Kermit Oh... well, uh, I'll — I'll just tell you something about uh, Helen Reddy.
Voice (FO) I said we weren't ready.
Kermit I wasn't talking to you.
Voice (FO) Okay, we're ready.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Helen Reddy! Oh, I hope this works!
313 sopwith.jpg
In a desert paradise, Helen performs "We'll Sing in the Sunshine" while dancing with the camel.


Kermit Now, we could go on like this for hours, but we've grown to like you, so we'll stop. But not before we say thank you to our wonderful guest star, Helen Reddy. Yaaay!
Applause as she comes out.
Helen Thank you, Kermit. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed working with a camel.
Kermit Oh, you say you enjoyed it?
Helen I said I can't tell you that.
Arab (RH) Psst. Hey, lady... you like him? He's yours.
Helen Good grief. What's his name?
Arab (RH) Sopwith.
Helen Sopwith, the camel?
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Statler hits his own hand with a hammer.
Statler Just as I thought.
Waldorf What's that?
Statler After this show, nothing hurts.
He hits himself again.