The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 315: Lesley Ann Warren.
Cold Open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lesley Ann Warren! Yaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Statler and Waldorf do a short soft-shoe routine during the musical break. | |
Gonzo blows his horn, which moos. A cow appears in the "O." | |
Gonzo | Ah! Ugh...ooo... |
Gonzo's Act[]
Backstage[]
"Beasty and the Beaut"[]
Backstage[]
Pigs in Space[]
U.K. Spot[]
Dr. Teeth plays "Mack the Knife." | |
Dr. Teeth |
Oh, the shark has pretty teeth, dear |
Sam the Eagle enters, reads some of the sheet music and stops the song. | |
Sam | Stop, stop! Stop, stop, stop! This is an appalling song of gore and violence. |
Dr. Teeth | Well, uh, maybe you just don't understand it, Sam. It contains a lotta slang. |
Sam | Hm. "A shark has pearly teeth dear" is slang? |
Dr. Teeth | Eh, sure. Uh, "shark" is a term for man. Everybody knows that "teeth" is slang for money. (laughs) |
Sam | Wh-uh...wh-wh-wh...what about that "jackknife" here, hmm, hmm? |
Dr. Teeth | Uh, uh...Cockney rhyming slang! |
Sam | ...what? |
Dr. Teeth | Jackknife, wife. |
Sam | W-wh, all right, all right. But, "when the shark bites with his teeth, dear, scarlet billows start to spread?" Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? |
Dr. Teeth | Let's see, uh..."biting" obviously means buying something. Scarlet billows...sofa pillows! |
Sam | ...so, the song, then, is about a man who has a wife for whom he buys...pillows. |
Dr. Teeth | Exactly. |
Dr. Teeth resumes the song, as Sam attempts to grove along. | |
Dr. Teeth |
On the sidewalk, Sunday morning |
Sam | I don't fully grasp it, but, I'm sure it's a lovely sentiment. |
Dr. Teeth finishes playing and laughs as Sam exits. |