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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 316: Danny Kaye.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Danny Kaye! Twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Kaye.
Danny dozes.
Scooter Now there's a real pro. Most performers are a nervous wreck before the curtain. He takes a nap. (walks up to him) Danny?
Danny Yeah, yeah, Scooter. … Hi.
Scooter Uh — fifteen seconds to curtain.
Danny Oh, that's fine. Fifteen seconds until curtain. (suddenly stressed) Fifteen seconds until curtain?! I better get my makeup on. Fifteen seconds to curtain!
He scrambles through the makeup process, even with his ukulele. He bumps into the dresser, and collapses in his chair.
Scooter I wonder if that's how he took his first nap.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Danny Kaye! Yaaayy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. Statler and Waldorf inexplicably leave the building.
Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a coach's whistle, and so a soccer ball is thrown at him, pushing the trumpet down his throat.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you. Hi there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, we have a sensational show for you because our special guest star is one of our favorite people, Mr. Danny Kaye. But first, would you believe this?
For the opening number, a group of Whatnots sing "Aquarius" as their hair grows wildly out of control.
Singer (RH) I got my hair in my face! I can't let the sun shine in!
Singer (JN) Hey, I can't see nothing. You know where the barber shop is?
Applause. Floyd enters the empty balcony box.
Kermit (from the stage) Hey, any sign of Statler and Waldorf?
Floyd No. It looks like they split for good. Maybe they didn't like the acoustics.
Kermit Why? Can't you hear what's being said onstage?
Floyd Every word. (laughs)


Scooter peers out the stage door. Danny approaches him.
Danny What are you doing, Scooter?
Scooter Oh, looking for Statler and Waldorf. They're missing. Oh … Hey, there they are.
Statler Well, I tell you, it's almost as bad out here as it is inside.
Waldorf Yes. Either way we're sitting around looking at garbage.
They chuckle. Danny listens in on the conversation.
Waldorf Still, I'd rather be here for this show.
Statler Yeah. Yeah, the Muppets are always about the same. But this week's guest star... ugh!
Waldorf What's-his-face Kaye.
Statler Yeah. Ugh. I tell you, he is the worst performer on earth.
Waldorf No, you can't be certain.
Statler I am, so.
Waldorf He's not the worst performer on earth.
Statler Well, then who is?
Waldorf Clive Cahuenga, the singing civil servant.
Statler Yeah, yeah, you're right. He is pretty bad.
Waldorf What an act. He sings the whole Pest Control Code in the key of F.
Statler Mm. Then he sings it again because he has to do everything in duplicate.
They chuckle.
Waldorf But what's-his-face Kaye is a little worse.
Statler Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, yeah.
Waldorf Wouldn't cross the street to see that guy.
They chuckle. Danny goes inside, shocked at what he's just heard.
Scooter Hi, Danny, how's everything?
Danny I — I think I need a little cheering up.
Scooter Well, you should have been inside. Some guy named Clive Cahuenga was knocking 'em dead.

Lunch time

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, it's lunch time.
A construction worker sits on a beam. He opens his lunchbox, takes out a banana and peels it. He is surprised when he sees the peel come alive and start to dance. The peel is joined by the celery, two carrots and a sandwich. The worker is soon devoured by the lunchbox, which belches. Applause.
Floyd Every show Statler and Waldorf sit up here. Show after show after show. Now I see why.
Janice You see why they come?
Floyd No, I see why they left.
They chuckle.
Janice Oh, rully.


In the canteen, Rowlf accompanies Piggy as she rehearses in the key of F.
Miss Piggy Ahem. Heav— ahem. HEA— ahem. HEAV— Rowlfy?
Rowlf Yeah?
Miss Piggy Rowlfy, that's too high.
Rowlf Oh, okay. Try this one.
Rowlf plays in the key of D.
Miss Piggy Heaven … (hums) That's good, Rowlf. That's very nice. … What key is that?
Rowlf That - that's the little black one under my finger. (continues playing)
Miss Piggy Rowlfy, Rowlfy, now — now, we must do this absolutely right. Mr. Danny Kaye has asked especially to sing this song avec moi.
Danny (comes downstairs) Miss Piggy? Miss Piggy! Well, well, well. Hello, there, Piggy. How are you?
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh! Mr. Kaye. Can I call you Danny? Oh, Danny …
Danny I couldn't wait to get here to work with you because I have wanted to do this for a very long time.
Miss Piggy Danny, Daniel — I wanted to do it with you.
Danny No, I wanted to do it with you
They start coochie-cooing.
Miss Piggy Tell me...
Danny Yes?
Miss Piggy Why is it that vous wanted to do this particular song avec moi?
Danny Well, there's a very good reason for that. You see, Piggy, dear …
Miss Piggy Mm-hm?
Danny Some, uh — I heard you sing this song once before. (she rubs his chest) Thank you. Oh, that's nice. Some time ago I heard you sing this song and I thought the way you did it was absolutely memorable.
Miss Piggy That's funny. I don't remember that.
Danny Oh, well, that was years and years and years ago.
Miss Piggy Oh?
Danny (looks nervous) I — I think I said something wrong. What I meant was, way back when you were, uh, thin. Oh no …
Miss Piggy Ahem. I see. Ha ha. Way back then, huh? Mm-hm. When uh, you had your nose done. Ahem. (flips her hair)
Danny (mocks her) Oh, yes, I had it made a little larger.
They laugh mockingly at each other.
Rowlf Hey, listen, are you guys gonna rehearse this song? And we wanna talk about it.
Danny Yeah, we're gonna do it.
Miss Piggy Yeah, yeah, all right.
Danny Piggy, dear, why — why don't you practice the song and I'll go and change my clothes, huh?
Miss Piggy Oh, Daniel dear, yes, a true professional doesn't need to rehearse.
Danny Well, in that case, I shall go and practice changing my clothes.
She growls at him. He growls back.
Scooter Stand by for "Cheek to Cheek".
Danny (goes upstairs) Well, yeah …
Miss Piggy Oh, oh, yes …
Danny I'll see you on the, uh…
Miss Piggy Battlefield!
Danny You're beautiful when you're angry.
Miss Piggy (growls at him)
Rowlf Years and years ago when you were thin, huh? (laughs)
She tries to karate-chop him, but he ducks and she hits the piano instead.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!
Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, "Cheek to Cheek" is up next, "Cheek to Cheek".
Scooter Right! Hey, Beauregard, get the scenery in.
Danny Piggy, we're on in a minute! Let's go, Piggy.
Miss Piggy I'll be there!
Fozzie and Beau wheel the scenery onstage.
Fozzie Not so fast. Whoa, whoa!
Scooter Watch it, Beau!!
Kermit Uh — okay, right on stage with that, guys.
Scooter Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir.
Miss Piggy Uh, Nigel. (shoves him)
Scooter The scenery's ready!
Kermit Okay, you guys all set?
Scooter and Piggy stammer.

"Cheek to Cheek"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare. He overhears Piggy and Danny arguing behind the curtain.
Kermit Uh … and now, a timeless romantic duet... uh … uh, sung by two dear friends, uh, I-I dearly hope. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy and Danny Kaye!
The curtain opens on the two bickering. The music begins, and Danny gingerly sings the first verse. Piggy brushes up against him.
Miss Piggy Oh! (chuckles) I'm so sorry. Excusez-moi.
Danny Oh, well, that's all right, toi. I just misjudged the size of your snout.
He backs away from her and dances behind her.
Miss Piggy Heaven! … (continues the song)
They continue the duet, passive-aggressively. Danny grabs her, and her mood slowly softens until they are affectionate again.
Miss Piggy Oh, Daniel.
Danny Yes?
Miss Piggy Singing and dancing with vous has taken away all my anger.
Danny That's absolutely true, toi. And I want you to know, Miss Piggy, I'm terribly sorry that I said I knew you when you were thin.
Miss Piggy Oh, Daniel, that's all right.
Danny Thank you. I never knew you when you were thin.
They finish the duet with a kiss. Applause.

UK spot

A Jogger sings "Jogging." When he stops jogging, Wayne and his dog start licking him.

The Swedish Chef

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit (reacts to "Jogging") Okay, uh … now, then, uh, most of you probably didn't know that the Swedish Chef had an uncle. Uh, and neither did we, until he just showed up. Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Chef and his uncle.
Open on the Chef and his uncle, both playing with kitchen utensils and singng.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
They toss the utensils. The Chef talks to Danny, who addresses the audience.
Danny (Swedish accent) Oh, oh — ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our evening today. We have this evening an international cooking festival, und we will prepare something which my nephew, the Swedish Chef, will talk to you in just one minute.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Danny Yeah. Yeah, that's his name. (mock Swedish name)
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Danny But we call him Tom.
They laugh.
Danny That's very good. All right, now you understand, of course, Tom... you understand of course what we are doing tonight. We are taking an international dish. We will take a Swiss turkey, und we stuff him with Chinese ingredients, and make a Yugoslavian chicken out of him.
Swedish Chef Øh, nø, nø, nø. Më — më nøt Yügøslåvïån — më Swëdïsh.
Danny Yeah — I know, I know you are Swedish. We are just only talking about the turkey, which we are going to take …
Swedish Chef Nø, nø, më not Türkie, më Swëdïsh.
Danny I know you're not a turkey! We are tying to make an international dish, you understand this?
Swedish Chef (drums the table) Uh... nø.
Danny Oh. Alright, in that case... (explains in mock Swedish)
Swedish Chef Oh, jå, jå. (laughs)
Danny Alright, so we need a turkey now, huh?
Swedish Chef De türrrkëy! I get de türrrkëy.
Danny Turkey, yes, we will have a turkey.
Swedish Chef Go and get the türrrkëy.
Danny What, are you crazy? You're bringing a live turkey here? We're supposed to cook it.
The turkey gobbles and trembles.
Danny How can you... with a live turkey?!? What's the matter with you?
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Danny This turkey, we can't... It's a nice turkey but we can't do it. First we have to pluck all the feathers.
The turkey gobbles and trembles.
Danny (stammers) It's okay. Don't get nervous. Then after we pluck all the feathers, then we have to take out from him the gizzards.
The turkey gobbles and trembles.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Thëre, thëre …
Danny … then after we take the live turkey we will do something with him. We will open up the turkey and we will stuff him with chop suey.
Swedish Chef Øh, jå, chøp türkëy. Ha ha ha.
He wields a cleaver. The turkey flies away, terrified. The Chef aims a blunderbuss in the air and shoots. Feathers fall on the uncle, who takes the gun.
Danny Let me have this here. I will shoot the blunderfutz. And a one, two, und a BOOM!
He takes the shot. A fully prepared turkey on a platter lands in his hands.
Danny There we are.
Swedish Chef Oh.
Danny Already prepared to put in your freezer.
They compliment each other. Applause.

The Flying Zucchini Brothers

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay, uh, well, uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, the Flying Zucchini Brothers will hurl themselves from a height of two hundred feet into a water-filled bucket. Are you ready back there?
Voice (RH) Yeah, we're ready.
Kermit The Flying Zucchinis!
Open on a bucket and a ladder. Circus music plays. Beauregard enters.
Beauregard Hey, who left my bucket on the floor? (takes the bucket)
Kermit Hey, don't move that bucket!
One of the Zucchini brothers crashes, then another, then another. They get up, dazed.
Janice Oh, wow. Look, there's a bag full of fruits and vegetables up here.
Floyd Hmm. Perchance Statler and Waldorf were thinking of throwin' a party.
Janice Well this much food won't go very far.
Floyd Well, they only wanted to throw it as far as the stage. (laughs)
Janice Oh ho, fer sure.

Backstage / Clive Cahuenga

Danny Hey, Kermit, how are you?
Kermit Oh, Danny, I'm fine, thank you.
Danny You're fine, thank you?
Kermit Hey, are you — are you making fun of the way I talk?
Danny No, no, I love the way you talk.
Kermit Oh, okay.
Danny I love the way you talk so much that I begin to talk like you, you see…
Kermit Oh, that sounds very good. Hey, listen, I was wondering if I could talk you into doing one more song with us?
Danny Oh, you wouldn't have to talk too much, Kermit.
Kermit Yeah?
Danny I'd love to do another song for you. But I tell you what. Instead of doing it out on the stage, why don't we, uh, why don't we do it back here, you see, and so, it's — it's a song for just friends, huh?
Some other Muppets gather.
Kermit Oh. Well, yeah, but... But what... (stammering) There's nothing on stage.
Danny (imitates Kermit stammering) Why don't we get something on stage?
Clive Uh, I — I could go on.
Fozzie That — that's Clive Cahuenga, the uh, singing civil servant.
Danny I know, Fozz, I know.
Kermit Uh, Clive, I've got a job for you. Come on. (leads him towards the stage)
Clive Oh, great, but I have to change.
Kermit No no no … Come right this way.
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's big finale, The Muppet Show proudly presents Clive Cahuenga, singing to the music of Mozart, the Municipal Vermin Abatement Code.
Applause. The curtain opens. Clive comes onstage and reads from a book.

Section one, rats.
Subheading, infestation.
Rodent populations in an urban area…


"The Inch Worm"

Kermit comes backstage as Clive continues singing.
Kermit Uh, now where were we?
Danny Where were we, where?
Kermit Uh, you — you were gonna talk about, uh — the song that you were gonna do back here.
Danny Yeah, yeah. Well — I've got an — I've got a great idea, Kermit. Why don't we do a song we did in the movie called Hans Christian Andersen? It's called "Inchworm".
Kermit Oh, "Inchworm". Oh, we know that song.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah.
Danny You do?
Kermit Oh, sure.
Danny Then we could all sing it, couldn't we?
Kermit Of course.
Danny Alright. Anybody here sing close harmony?
Scooter Well, no, but a near miss.
Danny Here we go.
He starts them in, and they back him up as he sings. An inchworm crawls on his knee.
Danny Oh, well, look what we have here. Come on, up on my hand. Up, up, up, up, up. Up. Lift your head up … and look around. Way up. Oh - look, isn't that pretty?
He resumes singing. They all finish together as he conducts. Applause.


Danny goes outside.
Danny I've gotta go and feed the parking meter, Scooter, and I'll be back in just a few minutes.
Statler Well, I wonder if that Kaye has done his act yet.
Waldorf Well, thank goodness we're not there to know. Imagine, a tuned clam player.
Statler Mm. I hate that Manny Kaye. Heh!
Danny Manny Kaye?
They see him and do a take.
Waldorf Why, it's Danny Kaye!
Danny Well, sure.
Statler You're one of our favorites!
Danny Oh — better than a tuned clam player?
Statler & Waldorf (laugh)
Waldorf Of course. Now I wish we'd seen the show.
Scooter Oh, on stage for the closing, Mr. Kaye.
Danny I'll be right with you. (to the geezers) Don't be late.
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Well, we've done it again, folks. And it's been particularly sad to come to the end of this one, because our guest star has been the one and only Mr. Danny Kaye! Yaaayy!
Applause as he comes out.
Danny Thank you. Thank you. Kermit, do you mind if I bring some friends along?
Kermit What? Oh —
Danny Huh? Come on in, fellas. There we go.
Kermit Are you kidding? They're part of the family. (to audience) Hey, listen, be with us next time when our guest will be one of the world's greatest tuned clam players —
Danny Kermit. Just say good night.
Statler and Waldorf run back outside, where it's snowing.
Statler Ahhh! A clam player!
Kermit Uh — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! … It was great to have you, Danny.
Danny Oh, thank you…
The banter continues as the credits roll.
Statler There was something thrilling about being IN the show tonight.
Waldorf Yep. Not having to watch it.
They chuckle.