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Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
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Kermit
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Ladies and gentlemen, Sam the American eagle.
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The curtain opens on Sam at his podium, with a shield of shaking hands between a USA flag and a UK flag.
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Sam the Eagle
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My subject tonight is our friends, the British. I have therefore asked a proper English gentleman to talk to us. Ahem. Please.
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Spike enters to applause.
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Sam the Eagle
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Yes, yes. Yes. How do you do, sir?
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Spike
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(unintelligible Cockney) … Queen Elizabeth the second.
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Sam the Eagle
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What?
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Spike
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(repeats himself)
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Sam the Eagle
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No! No, no, no, no. Please, sir, you are not speaking the queen's English.
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Spike
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(a la Groucho) Why should I? She never speaks any of mine. There goes the knighthood.
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Sam the Eagle
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Is it too late to get Laurence Olivier?
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Spike
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You — you fool of an eagle! Humph! (humphs)
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Sam the Eagle
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What? What? What say you?
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Spike
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Silence when you speak to me. Listen — (cockney) — he talks the same as I do.
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Sam the Eagle
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No.
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Spike
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Yes! He only talks proper, when he's uh, on the stage. Where's that pencil? (takes out an imaginary pencil and examines it) "2B … or not 2B, that is the question." See, he talks like that so that you people in the colonies can understand.
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He yanks a feather off Sam's body.
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Sam the Eagle
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What? — Sir, may we please change the subject? May we, hmm?
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Spike
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Mais oui, certainement! French.
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Sam the Eagle
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Uh... uh... Let us talk about the quaint English custom of teatime.
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Spike reveals a teacup and tray under his bowler hat.
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Spike
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(as a butler) My lord, tea is served. (sips the tea and starts fidgeting wildly)
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Sam the Eagle
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Where did that come from?
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Spike
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(reading the bottom of the tray) It comes from Hong Kong. (sips and fidgets)
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Sam the Eagle
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Uh — sir, sir, sir! Uh, I thought to drink tea properly, the English extend the pinky.
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Spike
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(counts fingers) Of course, the pinky, the greeny, the browny, the bluey and the reddy. Ready, go!
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He grinds his fist into the teacup and does more of his wild schtick. Sam is flustered.
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Sam the Eagle
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Stop, stop, stop! Stop, stop, sir, sir! Leave. Leave the stage.
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Spike
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Leave the stage?
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Sam the Eagle
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Yes.
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Spike
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You didn't think I was gonna take it with me, do you?
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Sam the Eagle
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Sir, you are a disgrace to England.
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Spike
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Let me tell you this, eagle creep. England is not finished yet. (looks at his watch) It's finished … NOW!
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He looks at the other side of his watch and gnaws at it.
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Spike
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Shockproof. Seriously, folks, I love England, especially in this close-up.
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Sam the Eagle
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Then show it.
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Spike
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Show it?
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Sam the Eagle
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Yes.
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Spike drops trou, revealing UK flag boxers. He sings a patriotic song passage and warbles.
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Sam the Eagle
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Curtain, curtain!
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The curtain closes. Gonzo watches from the wings.
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Gonzo
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Terrific. It's about time we had some sophistication on this show.
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Kermit
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Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Spike Milligan.
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Spike re-emerges to a fanfare.
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Spike
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Yeah! I hope I haven't offended any of my people.
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Kermit
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Uh, well, you certainly didn't offend me. I thought it was very funny.
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Spike
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Ha! Here's your part.
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He drops trou again, revealing USA flag boxers.
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Spike
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America, I love you! I love you.
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Kermit
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Will you get off? Get off! Get off!
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Statler
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Terrific.
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Waldorf
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Nah, that's not clever. Anyone can drop their pants. (drops trou)
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Statler
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I didn't know you were Lithuanian.
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Waldorf covers himself.
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