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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 317: Spike Milligan.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Spike Come in, knock-knock!
Scooter Spike Milligan?
Spike Yes??
Scooter Thirty seconds to curtain, Mr. Milligan.
Spike (ponders) It's thirty seconds to the curtain … it's five and eleven to the floor. I'll take the curtain.
Scooter Say, what's that you're wearing?
Spike My family crest.
Scooter Well, what's that?
Spike A coat of arms.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan! Yaaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. A sneaky Arab pops up in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Arab (RH) How much to get things started?
Beautiful Day Monster bounces Gonzo up and down when he tries to play the trumpet.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi there, and thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight, our very special guest is one of England's wildest comedians, Mr. Spike Milligan. Uh, we especially wanted Spike on the show because tonight we're presenting an international extravaganza. You see, we just learned that The Muppet Show is being shown in 108 different countries…
Statler Uh-oh. Better get out your old army uniform.
Waldorf Yes, with 108 angry countries, there's bound to be trouble.
They chuckle.
Kermit Anyway, we're β€” we're going to have, on our show, people from every one of those 108 countries. And we're gonna start things off with a tribute to the Land of the Rising Sun.
The curtain opens on a Japanese kabuki setting. Three samurai monsters do a sword dance. Fozzie, dressed as a cowboy, comes out and sings "Oklahoma", then looks confused when he sees the backdrop and dancers.
Fozzie (scratches head) Am I in the right show? (continues singing) … Hey, listen, guys, I think there's a mistake here β€” AAH! (avoids sword)
Some Japanese Whatnots join the song, changing it to "Yokohama". The dance choreography continues as Fozzie avoids the swords. Fozzie finally gets a sword of his own, but is too afraid to use it. Applause.
Statler Where is the Land of the Rising Sun?
Waldorf I don't know. I never get up that early.
They chuckle.


Several foreign Muppets chatter as the opening number cast passes Kermit and exchange bows.
Kermit Okay, nice β€” yes.
Arab (RH) … we buy the place and burn it!
Kermit (bowing) Lovely, lovely number. Good.
Japanese Thank you so much.
Fozzie Kermit, "Oklahoma" is a dangerous song.
Kermit Yes, right.
Fozzie runs away from the samurai monsters, who wield their swords and accidentally cut a rope which causes a sandbag to drop.
Kermit Way to go, samurais. Yeah β€” to your dressing room. (ducks) Whoop!
Scooter What's on the schedule next, Kermit?
Kermit Uh, well, uh …
The sandbag falls, making a hole in the table.
Kermit Uh, uh … well, there seems to be a hole in the schedule right now.
Scooter Boy, this salute to all the nations you're planning must really be a biggie.
Kermit Uh, well β€” uh, too big, maybe, Scooter. I β€” you know, I thought you were in charge of organizing all these people.
Scooter Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir, uh β€” Scotsmen and Venezuelans, uh, dressing room two! Uh, Arabs and Eskimos, dressing room three! Move it, boys!
Kermit Uh, hey, wait a second. What are the Australians up to?
Scooter Huh?
The Aussies walk upside down on the ceiling.
Aussie (Spike) We're up to this, sport. What're you Yanks down to?
Kermit goes onstage. Scooter herds the other Muppets elsewhere.
Scooter Come on, move it, Scotsman! Move it, move it!


Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, Sam the American eagle.
The curtain opens on Sam at his podium, with a shield of shaking hands between a USA flag and a UK flag.
Sam the Eagle My subject tonight is our friends, the British. I have therefore asked a proper English gentleman to talk to us. Ahem. Please.
Spike enters to applause.
Sam the Eagle Yes, yes. Yes. How do you do, sir?
Spike (unintelligible Cockney) … Queen Elizabeth the second.
Sam the Eagle What?
Spike (repeats himself)
Sam the Eagle No! No, no, no, no. Please, sir, you are not speaking the queen's English.
Spike (a la Groucho) Why should I? She never speaks any of mine. There goes the knighthood.
Sam the Eagle Is it too late to get Laurence Olivier?
Spike You β€” you fool of an eagle! Humph! (humphs)
Sam the Eagle What? What? What say you?
Spike Silence when you speak to me. Listen β€” (cockney) β€” he talks the same as I do.
Sam the Eagle No.
Spike Yes! He only talks proper, when he's uh, on the stage. Where's that pencil? (takes out an imaginary pencil and examines it) "2B … or not 2B, that is the question." See, he talks like that so that you people in the colonies can understand.
He yanks a feather off Sam's body.
Sam the Eagle What? β€” Sir, may we please change the subject? May we, hmm?
Spike Mais oui, certainement! French.
Sam the Eagle Uh... uh... Let us talk about the quaint English custom of teatime.
Spike reveals a teacup and tray under his bowler hat.
Spike (as a butler) My lord, tea is served. (sips the tea and starts fidgeting wildly)
Sam the Eagle Where did that come from?
Spike (reading the bottom of the tray) It comes from Hong Kong. (sips and fidgets)
Sam the Eagle Uh β€” sir, sir, sir! Uh, I thought to drink tea properly, the English extend the pinky.
Spike (counts fingers) Of course, the pinky, the greeny, the browny, the bluey and the reddy. Ready, go!
He grinds his fist into the teacup and does more of his wild schtick. Sam is flustered.
Sam the Eagle Stop, stop, stop! Stop, stop, sir, sir! Leave. Leave the stage.
Spike Leave the stage?
Sam the Eagle Yes.
Spike You didn't think I was gonna take it with me, do you?
Sam the Eagle Sir, you are a disgrace to England.
Spike Let me tell you this, eagle creep. England is not finished yet. (looks at his watch) It's finished … NOW!
He looks at the other side of his watch and gnaws at it.
Spike Shockproof. Seriously, folks, I love England, especially in this close-up.
Sam the Eagle Then show it.
Spike Show it?
Sam the Eagle Yes.
Spike drops trou, revealing UK flag boxers. He sings a patriotic song passage and warbles.
Sam the Eagle Curtain, curtain!
The curtain closes. Gonzo watches from the wings.
Gonzo Terrific. It's about time we had some sophistication on this show.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that was Mr. Spike Milligan.
Spike re-emerges to a fanfare.
Spike Yeah! I hope I haven't offended any of my people.
Kermit Uh, well, you certainly didn't offend me. I thought it was very funny.
Spike Ha! Here's your part.
He drops trou again, revealing USA flag boxers.
Spike America, I love you! I love you.
Kermit Will you get off? Get off! Get off!
Statler Terrific.
Waldorf Nah, that's not clever. Anyone can drop their pants. (drops trou)
Statler I didn't know you were Lithuanian.
Waldorf covers himself.


Sam the Eagle That man is a sicko. Humph!
Kermit (looks at the rundown) Okay, what's next? (through the intercom) Uh, music of Scotland, music of Scotland on stage, please.
Scotsman (JN) Aye, lad. Right here, ready to go.
Kermit Uh, what are those?
Scotsman (JN) They're m' bongos. (laughs) We'll have a wee bit of primitive island rhythms. A bonny Glasgow samba.
Kermit Will you go and get your bagpipes!
Scotsman (JN) Ugh. Cliche-ridden traditionalist. (leaves)
Scooter (from balcony) I got trouble up here, boss.
Kermit What?
Scooter Yeah, the Eskimos and the Arabs are sharing a dressing room.
Kermit So?
Scooter Well, so, the Arabs want it hotter, and the Eskimos want to turn on the air conditioning.
Kermit Well, uh, listen, I have an introduction to make. Try to get 'em to compromise.
Scooter Oh, they have compromised. Yeah, the Eskimos turned on the air conditioner, and the Arabs set it on fire!
Smoke comes from the dressing room.
Scooter Come on, boys, get out of there. Bring up the water hoses.


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit (to Scooter) Uh, use the fire extinguisher! β€” Oh, uh... and now, ladies and gentlemen, uh, continuing with our international review, here is some music of Scotland played by...
Scotsman (JN) I hope you don't put that fire out too soon, laddie.
Kermit Why?
Scotsman (JN) Well, the heat feels good when you're wearing kilts. (laughs)
Kermit Uh, I β€” I don't think I want to hear about this. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the music of Scotland.
Open on a misty Scottish moor. The Scotsman plays "Brazil" on the bagpipes. When he finishes, he puts the bagpipes down, and they come to life and walk away. He shoots them with a pistol.

Muppet newsflash

Spike stands next to the Newsman at his desk.
Newsman Good evening, and welcome to Muppet News International.
Spike Yes, you're welcome to it.
The Newsman gives him a confused look, then continues reading as Spike interprets in mock-sign language.
Newsman Simultaneous translation, bringing you news and views across the language barrier.
Spike Hello.
Newsman Are you gonna tell them what I just said?
Spike No, your secret is safe with me.
Newsman All right, here is the news. Things look grim … in the outback ... as rebel forces continue to fight amongst themselves.
Spike scowls, makes like a hunchback, and attacks himself.
Newsman First one side seems to be winning...
Spike Yes, yes!
Newsman … and then the other side gets on top.
Spike Then the other, yes!
Newsman Casualties have been very heavy. And strong ties between the two factions have been permanently cut.
Spike makes himself look heavy, then cuts the Newsman's tie with scissors.
Newsman Uh β€” eyebrows were raised today at the auction rooms … where a priceless antique vase came under the hammer.
Spike puts fake eyebrows on himself, then shatters a vase with a hammer.
Newsman Uh, rumors of a cover up β€” uh, affected prices on the … prices on the stock market where woolens were hit badly … eventually plunging to an all-time low.
Spike covers the Newsman with a blanket, bats a sheep away, then hits a trap door, sending the Newsman to his doom.
Newsman The search continues for a missing man said by police to be dangerous and more than a little screwy. The man was known as the inventor of the pop-up toaster.
Spike makes a lunatic face, then hits the desk, launching the Newsman up to the ceiling.
Newsman Next we have...
Spike Fall fashions!
The Newsman falls down. Spike starts attacking him.
Newsman A newsman was attacked today by a mad English comic!
Spike Really? We must find him!
Spike exits, then gives the Newsman one final blow to the head with the hammer. Applause.

UK spot

Wayne sings "Dog Walk."


Scooter, flustered, encounters Floyd.
Floyd Oh, hey, Scoots.
Scooter Oh, hi.
Floyd Yeah, the band's all ready for the big American jazz number. Where's the little green honcho?
Scooter Well, he's trying to keep things organized in the dressing room. It's just a mess around here today.
Floyd Oh, yeah? Lack of international understanding?
Scooter Oh, I'll say. Nobody on the show tonight can understand anybody else.
Floyd Oh, yeah? How do you explain that?
Upstairs, the Swedish Chef tells a joke to a Japanese Whatnot and a French frog. The other foreign Muppets look up and listen to it, and laugh when he finishes the joke with the word "linoleum".
Floyd Oh, man, I'm going on stage. It's too weird around here for me.


Floyd Ahem. Now, me and the band here are hip to the international tone that our froggy foreman is tying to lay on tonight's show. Hey, but that's no reason for not including a little of the domestic product. Now, from West Side Story, "America."
The Electric Mayhem's version of "America" from West Side Story becomes an international jam session when the international Muppet guests get into the act.


Floyd Ohh, man. What a moldy fig session that was.
Janice Fer sure, rully.
Animal chases the foreign Muppets offstage.
Floyd Where'd you learn how to β€” go get 'em, Animal! Sic 'em, sic 'em! (laughs)
Janice Uh huh. Rully. Rully. (laughs)
Upstairs, Robin talks to a flamenco dancer. Kermit approaches.
Robin Uh, well, have you met my Uncle Kermit? β€” Oh, hi, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit Hi.
Robin Have you met Luis Greco, the Morse Code flamenco dancer?
Kermit Uh, no, I β€”
Luis dances.
Robin Oh. He says it's an honor just to meet you and have a chance to say, hi!
The Swedish Chef emerges, angry about a dish.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de sΓΈΓΌfflΓ©.
Kermit Uh β€” oh, I think your stomping ruined his soufflΓ©.
Luis and the Chef get into an argument. Luis dances some more, then the Chef chases him away with a cleaver.
Kermit Uh, what did they say?
Robin Bad news, Uncle Kermit. Spain and Sweden have just declared war.
The chase continues past them.

"The Intergalactic Brotherhood Of Man, Including Things"

Main stage. Kermit enters as a crash is heard backstage.
Kermit Uh, as if things weren't getting out of hand enough, it's now my irresponsible pleasure to introduce our very special guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan, doing a piece that he has asked me to describe as being called, "The Intergalactic Brotherhood of Man, Including Things". Uh β€” ladies and gentlemen, Spike Milligan!
The curtain opens on Spike, in nightcap and gown, looking out a bedroom window at night.
Spike Still here? Sucker for punishment, eh? Right! Now, a good evening. (reaches his hand out the window) Now, an appalling evening!
He pulls the shade down, then raises it to reveal a stormy outdoor backdrop. He pulls the shade down again.
Spike Now, comedy weather.
He pulls up the shade to reveal a yellow sky where it rains footballs. He picks up a chicken and strangles it.
317 chicken.jpg
Spike With a surprise ending. Now, who came first? Answer!
Lew Zealand (from offstage) Hey! Can we have our chicken back? Please, mister.
Spike chucks the chicken away and pulls the shade down.
Spike But enough about me and my troubles. That was the voice of (wiggles his adam's apple) Lew Zealand.
Lew Zealand Ha, very good evening.
Spike They already know that, you nana!
He reveals another night backdrop from the curtain, then reads a piece of paper that Lew brought.
Spike A message from Glasgow β€” "Mr. Zealand would only agree to reading the part of the voice-over that says 'Can we have our chicken back? Please, mister?' on condition that he would then be allowed to come onstage and show his face to the people that they would remember him and care about…" get this … "care about his career"! (cracks up)
Lew Zealand Yeah. (laughs) And my boomerang fish act.
Spike What? What? What? What? What? What? What?
Lew Zealand Yeah. Lew Zealand and his boomerang fish act. Every night is Fry-day night. Hee hee.
Spike Boomerang FSHHH?!
Lew Zealand (wipes face) Yeah, see, I throw the fish away from me. (throws his fish)
Spike Ice. It all comes back to me now!
A school of fish is thrown back at him. The shade retracts.
Lew Zealand Well, thank you and good night.
Spike Good night?! They already know it's a good night.
Lew Zealand Hey, comedy.
Spike Comedy? Comedy on this show?
He reveals the yellow sky backdrop again. Another football flies into the window.
Spike Right again, it is comedy. (closes the shade) Now get out!
Lew exits, facepalming.
Spike (calmly) In the happy relaxed atmosphere of international friendship which exists … (angrily) despite the presence of many FOREIGNERS!! …
He opens the shade to reveal a starry night sky.
Spike (calmly) … we can easily overlook those alien beings lost in the wastes of the universe. We must reach out for those forms of life. Reach out and try and cβ€”
He yelps as a Koozebanian bites his hand. Other Koozebanians gather around him as a closing sting plays.
Statler What was that?
Waldorf That was very strange.
Statler It was very weird.
Waldorf It was peculiar.
Statler It was kind of amusing.
Waldorf It was rather funny.
Statler It was incredibly funny.
Waldorf I loved it!
Statler Hilarious!
Waldorf Wonderful!
Statler More!
Statler & Waldorf Encore! Encore!
Waldorf We like that strange man.


Kermit looks out from the wings as Lew passes him. Miss Piggy approaches him, dressed for a Latin number.
Lew Zealand Come on. I loved you, Turk. (kisses fish) You were good.
Miss Piggy Kermit! Oh, Kermit, I just think it's wonderful that you have organized this parade of nations finale.
Kermit Uh, yeah, well, it seemed like sort of a nice thing to do.
They walk past the foreign Muppets, all chattering amongst themselves.
Miss Piggy Nice, Kermit? It's, it's, it's … it's humanitarian β€” oh β€” to have the citizens of the world on our little stage. All races and colors, hand in hand in brotherhood.
Kermit Uh-huh. (through the intercom) Uh, stand by for the parade of nations. (looks behind him) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the parade of nations! Stand by for the parade of nations!
He tries raising his voice, but fails to get their attention.
Miss Piggy All right, knock it off!
They all fall silent.
Miss Piggy It's the brotherhood bit!
Kermit Uh, uh, thank you, Miss Piggy. I β€” I'll go introduce it.

Parade of Nations

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, well, as a, as a fitting climax to tonight's international edition of The Muppet Show, here is a parade of the nations featuring our guest star, Mr. Spike Milligan, and dedicated to one of our very favorite countries, Disneyland. Ladies and gentlemen, "It's a Small World".
The foreign Muppets sing "It's a Small World", some assuming the robotic mannerisms of the Disneyland ride. During the endless, repetitive chorus, Spike emerges in a haphazard outfit and does some wacky schtick.
Sam the Eagle You are making a mockery of this song. Get out!
Spike What do you mean? Get your dirty hand off my kimono.
Sam the Eagle Get out! (shoves him) Out, out, out, out, out, out!
Spike Get out? What do you mean get out? Out, out, out, out, out, out!
The endless chorus continues. Spike peeks through a window, but Sam shoves him away again. Spike then re-emerges as a Chinaman.
Sam the Eagle All right, get off, off!
Spike Smile! Smile!
Spike raises his sleeve like a camera and punches Sam in the face with a boxing glove. The endless chorus continues, with a Mexican on trumpet, an African native on bongo, a Danish on mandolin, and the Swedish Chef on concertina. Spike joins in singing, rapidly switching costumes and accents. Sam doesn't even try to stop him this time. As the curtain closes, Spike goes full manic, spitting a ping-pong ball, donning a feather boa and playing a kazoo. Statler and Waldorf join the endless chorus, which continues over Kermit's goodnights.


Kermit Uh, well, uh, I think we've come down to the end of another show β€” although some people refuse to admit it. Uh, I hope you've enjoyed our tribute to practically everybody, and, right now, let's welcome back our fantastic guest star, the amazing Spike Milligan! Spike!
Applause. Spike emerges wearing an Indian headdress and blanket.
Spike Me β€” me not go. Me like it here. Me not say goodbye. Me say, "Hello, sailor". (goes behind the curtain)
Kermit Anyhow, uh, well, we'll β€” we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
As the credits roll, the curtain opens to reveal the Muppets continuing the endless chorus. Spike rests under the blanket and shouts at them.
Kermit Hey β€” Spike?
Spike Shut up, will you?
Kermit Will you guys cut that out?
Sam waves the American flag, stiffly.
Spike Shut up!
Kermit …that we share that it's time we're aware, it's a small world after all.
Spike Shut up!
The Muppet Show Theme plays along with the endless chorus. Kermit looks baffled.
Kermit Can we kill the music? … Can we stop this? … Stop the music!
Spike gets up, throws his pillow at Kermit and looks around aimlessly.
Spike Stop the music!
Kermit Will you guys cut that out! … you guys cut that out …
Statler and Waldorf continue the endless chorus.