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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 318: Leslie Uggams.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Leslie Uggams? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Uggams.
Leslie (powders her face) Thank you, Scooter. Um, it is true that Big Bird from Sesame Street is on the show tonight, right?
Scooter Oh, that's right, Leslie.
She displays a giant yellow egg.
Leslie Well, would you tell him that his younger brother is in my dressing room?
318 cold open.jpg
A flock of chickens pop up and go nuts over the size of the egg. Leslie giggles.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Leslie Uggams and Big Bird of Sesame Street! Yaaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
318 s and w chickens.jpg
A group of chickens sing a line of the theme from Statler and Waldorf's box.
318 horn.jpg
Gonzo's trumpet quacks, and two ducks respond to the call.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we've got some show for you tonight, because our special guest is the lovely singer, dancer and actress, Miss Leslie Uggams. And also, making a special appearance tonight is a friend of mine from Sesame Street, Big Bird! And...
318 big bird intro.jpg
Big Bird (peeks from curtain) Oh, hey, Kermit. Now? Huh, now?
Kermit Uh, not yet, Big Bird. You come on a little later in the show.
Big Bird Oh. Okay, I'll just wait back here then. (goes behind the curtain)
Kermit Yeah, ju— just watch out for the...
A crash is heard.
Big Bird Whoa—!
Kermit …overhead lights. Uh, anyhow, now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest, Miss Leslie Uggams!
318 good times.jpg
Leslie and the Muppet Monsters perform "Hey There, Good Times."
Statler Well, that number shows what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.
Waldorf Actress? She wasn't acting, she was singing.
Statler Yes, but she looked like she enjoyed it. That's acting.
They chuckle.


Leslie and the monsters pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, nice number.
Sweetums (limping in pain) Ow! Ow!
Kermit Oh, very good, Leslie.
Leslie Thank you. (to Sweetums) Okay, who stepped on your toe?
Sweetums What?
Leslie Who stepped on your toe?
Sweetums Well, I did!
They have a good laugh and go elsewhere.
Sweetums I stepped on my toe! (laughs)
Gonzo (holding a bouquet) Kermit, if you need me, I'll be in uh, Camilla's dressing room.
Kermit Oh, Camilla — Camilla the chicken?
Gonzo Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so nervous. Tonight's our first formal date and I'm almost sick with fear.
Kermit Well, I imagine she feels much the same.
318 gonzo and kermit.jpg
Gonzo Oh, you think so? Oh, boy. Suppose I get so excited that I faint?
Kermit Gonzo, I just don't know. I suppose she'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Gonzo She'll have to what?!
Kermit Or in your case, mouth-to-beak resuscitation. (laughs)
Gonzo (faints)
Kermit Gonzo, are you okay?
Gonzo (gets up) Of course. I was just rehearsing my faint. (walks off)
Kermit I hope Camilla's been rehearsing hers.
Camilla waits in her dressing room, clucking a tune. Gonzo knocks on the door.
Gonzo Coocoo-roocoo-roo!
Camilla (echoes)
Gonzo (singsongy) It's me.
Camilla (shrugs, clucks)
Gonzo (enters) Hahaha! Camilla, my apricot, these are for you.
He hands her the flowers. She sneezes and propels herself away.
Gonzo Oh, oh, gosh. I think — I think the room is spinning. I may faint. Aaaah — (faints, then gets up) How was that? (holds up flowers)
Camilla (sneezes)
Gonzo Camilla?
Camilla (sneezes)
Gonzo Camilla? Camilla, aren't you — aren't you going to kiss me?
Camilla (sneezes)
Gonzo Oh, great. Just my luck. A chicken with hayfever.
Camilla (sneezes)
318 camilla's dressing room.jpg
Gonzo Well, look now, Camilla, Camilla, why don't I take you out for some fresh air? Okay? That will make it all better. Okay?
Camilla sits down and sighs of relief. Once Gonzo opens the door, she sneezes again, and propels herself out the door.

Muppet Labs

Camilla lands in Bunsen's lab. She gets up and runs away.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, jeepers, you're about to witness the world's first demonstration of fireproof paper. Here is my assistant Beaker, carrying a lighted blowtorch. He will now show you how impossible it is to ignite the fireproof paper in this basket.
The paper ignites. Beaker screams.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew There is no way this paper can burn. With Muppets' fireproof paper, you will always feel secure. Tune in next time, and witness Muppet Labs' new answer to the energy crisis, flammable water.
Beaker tries to put out the fire with a hose, but it only gets bigger.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. … Oh, dear.
Beaker (screams)
Statler What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act?
Waldorf I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.
Statler Well, that's a novelty.
They chuckle.


Piggy notices Big Bird entering.
Miss Piggy Holy maracas!
Big Bird Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
Miss Piggy Huh. No kiddin'.
Big Bird I'm a friend of Kermit's.
Miss Piggy Oh.
Big Bird Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
Miss Piggy Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
Big Bird Uh-huh. Well, who are you?
Miss Piggy (incredulous) Who am I? (poses) I am Miss Piggy.
Big Bird Oh. Well, do you work around here?
Miss Piggy Uh, listen, yellow thing, uh, do you see this star here? (points to the star on her dressing room door)
Big Bird Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
Miss Piggy And, uh, do you know why it is there?
Big Bird Well, uh...
Miss Piggy Hmm? Hmm?
Big Bird Perfect attendance?
Miss Piggy Ahem. I am the singing star of this show!
Big Bird A singing pig?! (laughs) That's very funny! (continues laughing)
Miss Piggy Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hi-YAH— AAAAH!
Just as she's about to karate-chop him, he bends over laughing, and she falls over the balcony and down the stairs. Big Bird looks down at her.
Big Bird Ah! You do acrobatics, too. (to viewer) She's very versatile.

"Here You Come Again"

Open on Lew Zealand and Leslie laughing.
Lew Zealand Oh, Leslie, it's really a pleasure to have you on the show with us.
Leslie Well, thank you, Lew. And it's a thrill for me to work with a boomerang-fish thrower.
Lew Zealand Well, I should think so. Hee-hee.
Leslie Listen, Lew, what does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower?
Lew Zealand Well, you gotta have sole. (she chuckles) And if you can't get sole, use halibut.
Leslie (chuckles) I should have guessed.
Lew Zealand But in that case, I use a catcher's mitt.
Leslie Why? No, no, don't tell me. Let me guess. Uh, just for the halibut?
Lew Zealand Hee! You're catching on. Hee-hee-hee.
Leslie Listen, how did you acquire this talent? Was it an accident?
Lew Zealand No, it was on porpoise. Hee-hee-hee.
Leslie I give him the straight lines and he gives me the fish lines.
Lew Zealand Heh-heh. You know, I started this act using kippers. My brother and I did the act together, but we split up.
Leslie Why?
Lew Zealand Hey —
Both Am I my brother's kipper?
Leslie Listen. I gotta quit this and sing my song.
Lew Zealand Oh, great idea. I'll accompany you on fish.
Music swells up.
Leslie Well, Lew, I was kind of expecting violins. … Well, what the heck?
Lew Zealand Yeah.
Leslie sings "Here You Come Again" while Lew throws a fish and it comes back to him.
Lew Zealand Two at once.
Leslie All right.
He throws two at once and they come back.
Leslie Fascin — (they land) I love this. … Whoo! Fun, fun, fun!
Lew Zealand Watch this one. (continues throwing)
Leslie (continues singing) … Oh, this is fabulous.
Lew Zealand Swordfish this time.
Leslie (continues singing)
Lew throws three swordfish in a row. Leslie backs against the wall, and the three of them hit the wall close to her.
Leslie Ma!
Applause. She bows.
Waldorf That reminds me. This show has always reminded me of a sardine.
Statler Why?
Waldorf It's a little fishy.
They chuckle. A swordfish lands in their box.

UK spot

318 mad about the frog.jpg
Miss Piggy sings "Mad About the Frog" with Rowlf backing her up on piano, joined by a Whatnot violinist.

Bear on Patrol

The opening montage plays.
Announcer And now, Bear On Patrol.
Link touch-types on the typewriter. Fozzie drags in a pig suspect.
Fozzie All right, all right, come on! You just come with me, you... you... sir — sir, Sergeant, I have just picked up this very dangerous cr—
Link Hogthrob In a minute, Patrol Bear. I have to finish this report. (types) Oh, drat, I made a mistake. Now I'll have to start all over again. (removes the paper)
Fozzie But sir, can't that report wait?
Link Hogthrob No, this is a very serious charge.
Fozzie What is it?
Link Hogthrob Littering. (crumples the paper and throws it)
Fozzie Sir, sir, this also is a very serious charge.
Link Hogthrob Oh, yeah? What's the charge?
Fozzie Impersonating an officer.
Link Hogthrob Can you prove it?
Fozzie Of course I can prove it, Sergeant. Go ahead, do your stuff.
Pig (SW) Okay, impersonating an officer.
Pig (SW) (Fozzie voice) Ahh. Of course I can prove it, Sergeant. Go ahead, do your stuff. Ahh.
Link Hogthrob Hey, that's not bad.
Pig (SW) Thank you.
Fozzie Yep, now look, Sergeant, this is a very dangerous criminal. He should be locked up.
Link Hogthrob I think he should be locked up. Here are the keys. I'll finish up the report.
Fozzie I'm going to lock him up.
Pig (SW) Well, I should've known better than to try to fool with you, Patrol Bear.
Fozzie Yeah, you're darn tootin'!
Fozzie unlocks the cell. The pig opens it.
Pig (SW) After you.
Fozzie Thank you.
He walks in the cell. The pig locks him in.
Fozzie Listen, tell me what kind of food you like and I'll...
Pig (SW) Ahem. (Fozzie voice) Uh, see you later, Sarge. (exits)
Link Hogthrob Right.
Fozzie Aahhh…! Sergeant, wait a minute! He locked me in!
Link Hogthrob (fixated on typewriter) Not bad. You sound more like him all the time. Now try to do me.
Fozzie Oh! Sergeant, you don't understand! He got away!
Link Hogthrob No, that's not me. You still sound like that dumb bear that brought you in here. Try it again. I have a deep, authoritative voice.
Fozzie Sergeant, will you just turn around, please?!
Link Hogthrob Better, but keep tying. You need more macho.
Link continues typing.


Leslie Tell me, Gonzo, what is it about Camilla that first attracted you to her?
Gonzo Are you kidding? Everything. She's beautiful, witty, charming, delightful company, a good cook, and she's very talented.
Leslie Really? What does she do?
Gonzo (calls) Camilla!
318 camilla dances.jpg
Camilla does a flamenco dance as Gonzo and other chickens watch.
Gonzo Arriba! … Cha cha cha!
Leslie Oh, wow!
Gonzo Yeah.
Leslie Well, I would've thought that was impossible!
Gonzo What, to get a chicken to dance?
Leslie No, to find tap shoes for claws.


A man walks by a vending machine with eyes.
Vendawish Hello. I am Vendawish. Deposit a coin and I will answer any wish you may have.
The man deposits a coin.
Vendawish Thank you. Now, please state your wish and I will grant it.
Man (SW) Uh, I wish I was taller.
Vendawish Taller.
Man (SW) Yeah.
318 vedawish.jpg
Two robotic hands reach out and stretch the man's neck about two feet high. The man walks away.
Vendawish Next.

"Gonzo's Song"

Gonzo gets ready to serenade Camilla, who sits on a balcony.
Gonzo Camilla, I have written a song for you. Oh, Sinatra or Mick Jagger will probably wanna record it. But I want you to hear it from me first.
Camilla Aww.
He plays the ukulele and sings.
Gonzo You alone, you are my one and only chicken steady.
Camilla (clucking along to music)
Gonzo And if you leave I will alone and lonely sicken, ready.
Camilla (clucking along to music)

You and I…
We're a team and that's a fact.
You and I…
What a terrific idea for an act!
Oh, listen to the rhymes in the chorus. It's very Cole Porter-y.


You're sweeter than wine or vanilla.
Come lie beneath this tree, it's a willa.

Camilla (clucks excitedly)

The night it grows stilla and stilla.
You're prettier by far than Godzilla.

Enter Big Bird. Gonzo does a take.
Gonzo Who are you?
Big Bird Huh? Me?
Gonzo Wow! Perfection incarnate! Wow! Statuesque, and yet still poultry in every sense.
Camilla looks uneasy.
Gonzo You have that one thing lacking in chickens. (sighs) Bulk.
Big Bird I'm so confused.
Gonzo You are so huge!
Big Bird Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. I was just looking for Miss Uggams.
318 guitar.jpg
Gonzo And you found me. Lady luck has smiled and showered us with that certain thing...
Camilla knocks a flower pot over. It lands on Gonzo's head.
Big Bird Flower pot.
Camilla Hmph!


Man (SW) Oh, please, Dr. Honeydew, I can't go through life with this long neck.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Never fear, at Muppet Labs we have done extensive research on shortening long necks.
Man (SW) Then you can help?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Of course. This is our latest therapy technique.
318 neck shortening technique.jpg
He takes out a baseball bat, swings at the man, and the man ducks, shrinking his neck to its normal height. The man faints.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Don't thank me. It's all in a day's work.
Kermit runs towards the stage, and trips over the man on the floor.
Kermit Please, Dr. Honeydew, don't leave a mess backstage. If you're through playing with him, put him away!

"Love Will Keep Us Together"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, once again, here is our very special guest, who will be joined by a very tall feathered friend who just wandered in off the street — uh, Sesame Street, to be precise. Ladies and gentlemen, Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.
318 leslie bird.jpg
In a forest clearing, Birdwatchers Leslie and Big Bird sneak up on each other and sing "Love Will Keep Us Together", joined by other birds.


Kermit Okay! Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the lovely Leslie Uggams! YAAAY!
Applause as she comes out. Gonzo follows an angry Camilla.
Leslie Thank you, Kermit.
Gonzo Listen, chicky babe, you've gotta forgive me. I'll never talk to another chicken again.
Another chicken approaches him.
Gonzo Oh, hi, Camilla. GAHH— Camilla?!
Leslie Gonzo, you're quite a shocker. I thought that Camilla was your one true love.
318 closing.jpg
Gonzo Oh, yeah, uh, well, uh, chickens all look the same to me.
The two chickens start pecking him.
Leslie Girls, please. Well, I'd like to thank a really different-looking chicken, Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Big Bird Oh, thank you, thank you.
Kermit Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather as the credits roll. The chickens return to join Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.
The chickens laugh with them.