Episode 318: Leslie Uggams/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 318: Leslie Uggams.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Leslie Uggams? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Uggams.
Leslie	(powders her face) Thank you, Scooter. Um, it is true that Big Bird from Sesame Street is on the show tonight, right?
Scooter	Oh, that's right, Leslie.
	She displays a giant yellow egg.
Leslie	Well, would you tell him that his younger brother is in my dressing room?
	A flock of chickens pop up and go nuts over the size of the egg. Leslie giggles.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Leslie Uggams and Big Bird of Sesame Street! Yaaaaay!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	A group of chickens sing a line of the theme from Statler and Waldorf's box.
	Gonzo's trumpet quacks, and two ducks respond to the call.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we've got some show for you tonight, because our special guest is the lovely singer, dancer and actress, Miss Leslie Uggams. And also, making a special appearance tonight is a friend of mine from Sesame Street, Big Bird! And...
Big Bird	(peeks from curtain) Oh, hey, Kermit. Now? Huh, now?
Kermit	Uh, not yet, Big Bird. You come on a little later in the show.
Big Bird	Oh. Okay, I'll just wait back here then. (goes behind the curtain)
Kermit	Yeah, ju— just watch out for the...
	A crash is heard.
Big Bird	Whoa—!
Kermit	…overhead lights. Uh, anyhow, now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest, Miss Leslie Uggams!
	Leslie and the Muppet Monsters perform "Hey There, Good Times."
Statler	Well, that number shows what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.
Waldorf	Actress? She wasn't acting, she was singing.
Statler	Yes, but she looked like she enjoyed it. That's acting.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Leslie and the monsters pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, nice number.
Sweetums	(limping in pain) Ow! Ow!
Kermit	Oh, very good, Leslie.
Leslie	Thank you. (to Sweetums) Okay, who stepped on your toe?
Sweetums	What?
Leslie	Who stepped on your toe?
Sweetums	Well, I did!
	They have a good laugh and go elsewhere.
Sweetums	I stepped on my toe! (laughs)
Gonzo	(holding a bouquet) Kermit, if you need me, I'll be in uh, Camilla's dressing room.
Kermit	Oh, Camilla — Camilla the chicken?
Gonzo	Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so nervous. Tonight's our first formal date and I'm almost sick with fear.
Kermit	Well, I imagine she feels much the same.
Gonzo	Oh, you think so? Oh, boy. Suppose I get so excited that I faint?
Kermit	Gonzo, I just don't know. I suppose she'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Gonzo	She'll have to what?!
Kermit	Or in your case, mouth-to-beak resuscitation. (laughs)
Gonzo	(faints)
Kermit	Gonzo, are you okay?
Gonzo	(gets up) Of course. I was just rehearsing my faint. (walks off)
Kermit	I hope Camilla's been rehearsing hers.
	Camilla waits in her dressing room, clucking a tune. Gonzo knocks on the door.
Gonzo	Coocoo-roocoo-roo!
Camilla	(echoes)
Gonzo	(singsongy) It's me.
Camilla	(shrugs, clucks)
Gonzo	(enters) Hahaha! Camilla, my apricot, these are for you.
	He hands her the flowers. She sneezes and propels herself away.
Gonzo	Oh, oh, gosh. I think — I think the room is spinning. I may faint. Aaaah — (faints, then gets up) How was that? (holds up flowers)
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo	Camilla?
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo	Camilla? Camilla, aren't you — aren't you going to kiss me?
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo	Oh, great. Just my luck. A chicken with hayfever.
Camilla	(sneezes)
Gonzo	Well, look now, Camilla, Camilla, why don't I take you out for some fresh air? Okay? That will make it all better. Okay?
	Camilla sits down and sighs of relief. Once Gonzo opens the door, she sneezes again, and propels herself out the door.

Muppet Labs

	Camilla lands in Bunsen's lab. She gets up and runs away.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, jeepers, you're about to witness the world's first demonstration of fireproof paper. Here is my assistant Beaker, carrying a lighted blowtorch. He will now show you how impossible it is to ignite the fireproof paper in this basket.
	The paper ignites. Beaker screams.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	There is no way this paper can burn. With Muppets' fireproof paper, you will always feel secure. Tune in next time, and witness Muppet Labs' new answer to the energy crisis, flammable water.
	Beaker tries to put out the fire with a hose, but it only gets bigger.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. … Oh, dear.
Beaker	(screams)
Statler	What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act?
Waldorf	I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.
Statler	Well, that's a novelty.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Piggy notices Big Bird entering.
Miss Piggy	Holy maracas!
Big Bird	Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
Miss Piggy	Huh. No kiddin'.
Big Bird	I'm a friend of Kermit's.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
Big Bird	Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
Big Bird	Uh-huh. Well, who are you?
Miss Piggy	(incredulous) Who am I? (poses) I am Miss Piggy.
Big Bird	Oh. Well, do you work around here?
Miss Piggy	Uh, listen, yellow thing, uh, do you see this star here? (points to the star on her dressing room door)
Big Bird	Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
Miss Piggy	And, uh, do you know why it is there?
Big Bird	Well, uh...
Miss Piggy	Hmm? Hmm?
Big Bird	Perfect attendance?
Miss Piggy	Ahem. I am the singing star of this show!
Big Bird	A singing pig?! (laughs) That's very funny! (continues laughing)
Miss Piggy	Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hi-YAH— AAAAH!
	Just as she's about to karate-chop him, he bends over laughing, and she falls over the balcony and down the stairs. Big Bird looks down at her.
Big Bird	Ah! You do acrobatics, too. (to viewer) She's very versatile.

"Here You Come Again"

	Open on Lew Zealand and Leslie laughing.
Lew Zealand	Oh, Leslie, it's really a pleasure to have you on the show with us.
Leslie	Well, thank you, Lew. And it's a thrill for me to work with a boomerang-fish thrower.
Lew Zealand	Well, I should think so. Hee-hee.
Leslie	Listen, Lew, what does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower?
Lew Zealand	Well, you gotta have sole. (she chuckles) And if you can't get sole, use halibut.
Leslie	(chuckles) I should have guessed.
Lew Zealand	But in that case, I use a catcher's mitt.
Leslie	Why? No, no, don't tell me. Let me guess. Uh, just for the halibut?
Lew Zealand	Hee! You're catching on. Hee-hee-hee.
Leslie	Listen, how did you acquire this talent? Was it an accident?
Lew Zealand	No, it was on porpoise. Hee-hee-hee.
Leslie	I give him the straight lines and he gives me the fish lines.
Lew Zealand	Heh-heh. You know, I started this act using kippers. My brother and I did the act together, but we split up.
Leslie	Why?
Lew Zealand	Hey —
Both	Am I my brother's kipper?
Leslie	Listen. I gotta quit this and sing my song.
Lew Zealand	Oh, great idea. I'll accompany you on fish.
	Music swells up.
Leslie	Well, Lew, I was kind of expecting violins. … Well, what the heck?
Lew Zealand	Yeah.
	Leslie sings "Here You Come Again" while Lew throws a fish and it comes back to him.
Lew Zealand	Two at once.
Leslie	All right.
	He throws two at once and they come back.
Leslie	Fascin — (they land) I love this. … Whoo! Fun, fun, fun!
Lew Zealand	Watch this one. (continues throwing)
Leslie	(continues singing) … Oh, this is fabulous.
Lew Zealand	Swordfish this time.
Leslie	(continues singing)
	Lew throws three swordfish in a row. Leslie backs against the wall, and the three of them hit the wall close to her.
Leslie	Ma!
	Applause. She bows.
Waldorf	That reminds me. This show has always reminded me of a sardine.
Statler	Why?
Waldorf	It's a little fishy.
	They chuckle. A swordfish lands in their box.

UK spot

	Miss Piggy sings "Mad About the Frog" with Rowlf backing her up on piano, joined by a Whatnot violinist.

Bear on Patrol

	The opening montage plays.
Announcer	And now, Bear On Patrol.
	Link touch-types on the typewriter. Fozzie drags in a pig suspect.
Fozzie	All right, all right, come on! You just come with me, you... you... sir — sir, Sergeant, I have just picked up this very dangerous cr—
Link Hogthrob	In a minute, Patrol Bear. I have to finish this report. (types) Oh, drat, I made a mistake. Now I'll have to start all over again. (removes the paper)
Fozzie	But sir, can't that report wait?
Link Hogthrob	No, this is a very serious charge.
Fozzie	What is it?
Link Hogthrob	Littering. (crumples the paper and throws it)
Fozzie	Sir, sir, this also is a very serious charge.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, yeah? What's the charge?
Fozzie	Impersonating an officer.
Link Hogthrob	Can you prove it?
Fozzie	Of course I can prove it, Sergeant. Go ahead, do your stuff.
Pig (SW)	Okay, impersonating an officer.
	Drumroll.
Pig (SW)	(Fozzie voice) Ahh. Of course I can prove it, Sergeant. Go ahead, do your stuff. Ahh.
Link Hogthrob	Hey, that's not bad.
Pig (SW)	Thank you.
Fozzie	Yep, now look, Sergeant, this is a very dangerous criminal. He should be locked up.
Link Hogthrob	I think he should be locked up. Here are the keys. I'll finish up the report.
Fozzie	I'm going to lock him up.
Pig (SW)	Well, I should've known better than to try to fool with you, Patrol Bear.
Fozzie	Yeah, you're darn tootin'!
	Fozzie unlocks the cell. The pig opens it.
Pig (SW)	After you.
Fozzie	Thank you.
	He walks in the cell. The pig locks him in.
Fozzie	Listen, tell me what kind of food you like and I'll...
Pig (SW)	Ahem. (Fozzie voice) Uh, see you later, Sarge. (exits)
Link Hogthrob	Right.
Fozzie	Aahhh…! Sergeant, wait a minute! He locked me in!
Link Hogthrob	(fixated on typewriter) Not bad. You sound more like him all the time. Now try to do me.
Fozzie	Oh! Sergeant, you don't understand! He got away!
Link Hogthrob	No, that's not me. You still sound like that dumb bear that brought you in here. Try it again. I have a deep, authoritative voice.
Fozzie	Sergeant, will you just turn around, please?!
Link Hogthrob	Better, but keep tying. You need more macho.
	Link continues typing.

Backstage

Leslie	Tell me, Gonzo, what is it about Camilla that first attracted you to her?
Gonzo	Are you kidding? Everything. She's beautiful, witty, charming, delightful company, a good cook, and she's very talented.
Leslie	Really? What does she do?
Gonzo	(calls) Camilla!
	Camilla does a flamenco dance as Gonzo and other chickens watch.
Gonzo	Arriba! … Cha cha cha!
Leslie	Oh, wow!
Gonzo	Yeah.
Leslie	Well, I would've thought that was impossible!
Gonzo	What, to get a chicken to dance?
Leslie	No, to find tap shoes for claws.

Vendawish

	A man walks by a vending machine with eyes.
Vendawish	Hello. I am Vendawish. Deposit a coin and I will answer any wish you may have.
	The man deposits a coin.
Vendawish	Thank you. Now, please state your wish and I will grant it.
Man (SW)	Uh, I wish I was taller.
Vendawish	Taller.
Man (SW)	Yeah.
	Two robotic hands reach out and stretch the man's neck about two feet high. The man walks away.
Vendawish	Next.

"Gonzo's Song"

	Gonzo gets ready to serenade Camilla, who sits on a balcony.
Gonzo	Camilla, I have written a song for you. Oh, Sinatra or Mick Jagger will probably wanna record it. But I want you to hear it from me first.
Camilla	Aww.
	He plays the ukulele and sings.
Gonzo	You alone, you are my one and only chicken steady.
Camilla	(clucking along to music)
Gonzo	And if you leave I will alone and lonely sicken, ready.
Camilla	(clucking along to music)
Gonzo	You and I… We're a team and that's a fact. You and I… What a terrific idea for an act! Oh, listen to the rhymes in the chorus. It's very Cole Porter-y.
Gonzo	Camilla… You're sweeter than wine or vanilla. Camilla… Come lie beneath this tree, it's a willa. Camilla…
Camilla	(clucks excitedly)
Gonzo	Camilla… The night it grows stilla and stilla. Camilla… You're prettier by far than Godzilla. Camilla!
	Enter Big Bird. Gonzo does a take.
Gonzo	Who are you?
Big Bird	Huh? Me?
Gonzo	Wow! Perfection incarnate! Wow! Statuesque, and yet still poultry in every sense.
	Camilla looks uneasy.
Gonzo	You have that one thing lacking in chickens. (sighs) Bulk.
Big Bird	I'm so confused.
Gonzo	You are so huge!
Big Bird	Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. I was just looking for Miss Uggams.
Gonzo	And you found me. Lady luck has smiled and showered us with that certain thing...
	Camilla knocks a flower pot over. It lands on Gonzo's head.
Big Bird	Flower pot.
Camilla	Hmph!

Backstage

Man (SW)	Oh, please, Dr. Honeydew, I can't go through life with this long neck.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Never fear, at Muppet Labs we have done extensive research on shortening long necks.
Man (SW)	Then you can help?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Of course. This is our latest therapy technique.
	He takes out a baseball bat, swings at the man, and the man ducks, shrinking his neck to its normal height. The man faints.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Don't thank me. It's all in a day's work.
	Kermit runs towards the stage, and trips over the man on the floor.
Kermit	Please, Dr. Honeydew, don't leave a mess backstage. If you're through playing with him, put him away!

"Love Will Keep Us Together"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	And now, once again, here is our very special guest, who will be joined by a very tall feathered friend who just wandered in off the street — uh, Sesame Street, to be precise. Ladies and gentlemen, Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.
	In a forest clearing, Birdwatchers Leslie and Big Bird sneak up on each other and sing "Love Will Keep Us Together", joined by other birds.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay! Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the lovely Leslie Uggams! YAAAY!
	Applause as she comes out. Gonzo follows an angry Camilla.
Leslie	Thank you, Kermit.
Gonzo	Listen, chicky babe, you've gotta forgive me. I'll never talk to another chicken again.
	Another chicken approaches him.
Gonzo	Oh, hi, Camilla. GAHH— Camilla?!
Leslie	Gonzo, you're quite a shocker. I thought that Camilla was your one true love.
Gonzo	Oh, yeah, uh, well, uh, chickens all look the same to me.
	The two chickens start pecking him.
Leslie	Girls, please. Well, I'd like to thank a really different-looking chicken, Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Big Bird	Oh, thank you, thank you.
Kermit	Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The other Muppets gather as the credits roll. The chickens return to join Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf	Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler	Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.
	The chickens laugh with them.