A group of chickens sing a line of the theme from Statler and Waldorf's box.
Gonzo's trumpet quacks, and two ducks respond to the call.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause and a fanfare.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we've got some show for you tonight, because our special guest is the lovely singer, dancer and actress, Miss Leslie Uggams. And also, making a special appearance tonight is a friend of mine from Sesame Street, Big Bird! And...
Big Bird
(peeks from curtain) Oh, hey, Kermit. Now? Huh, now?
Kermit
Uh, not yet, Big Bird. You come on a little later in the show.
Big Bird
Oh. Okay, I'll just wait back here then. (goes behind the curtain)
Kermit
Yeah, ju— just watch out for the...
A crash is heard.
Big Bird
Whoa—!
Kermit
…overhead lights. Uh, anyhow, now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest, Miss Leslie Uggams!
Leslie and the Muppet Monsters perform "Hey There, Good Times."
Statler
Well, that number shows what a great actress Leslie Uggams is.
Waldorf
Actress? She wasn't acting, she was singing.
Statler
Yes, but she looked like she enjoyed it. That's acting.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Leslie and the monsters pass by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, nice number.
Sweetums
(limping in pain) Ow! Ow!
Kermit
Oh, very good, Leslie.
Leslie
Thank you. (to Sweetums) Okay, who stepped on your toe?
Sweetums
What?
Leslie
Who stepped on your toe?
Sweetums
Well, I did!
They have a good laugh and go elsewhere.
Sweetums
I stepped on my toe! (laughs)
Gonzo
(holding a bouquet) Kermit, if you need me, I'll be in uh, Camilla's dressing room.
Kermit
Oh, Camilla — Camilla the chicken?
Gonzo
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm so nervous. Tonight's our first formal date and I'm almost sick with fear.
Kermit
Well, I imagine she feels much the same.
Gonzo
Oh, you think so? Oh, boy. Suppose I get so excited that I faint?
Kermit
Gonzo, I just don't know. I suppose she'll have to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Gonzo
She'll have to what?!
Kermit
Or in your case, mouth-to-beak resuscitation. (laughs)
Gonzo
(faints)
Kermit
Gonzo, are you okay?
Gonzo
(gets up) Of course. I was just rehearsing my faint. (walks off)
Kermit
I hope Camilla's been rehearsing hers.
Camilla waits in her dressing room, clucking a tune. Gonzo knocks on the door.
Gonzo
Coocoo-roocoo-roo!
Camilla
(echoes)
Gonzo
(singsongy) It's me.
Camilla
(shrugs, clucks)
Gonzo
(enters) Hahaha! Camilla, my apricot, these are for you.
He hands her the flowers. She sneezes and propels herself away.
Gonzo
Oh, oh, gosh. I think — I think the room is spinning. I may faint. Aaaah — (faints, then gets up) How was that? (holds up flowers)
Camilla
(sneezes)
Gonzo
Camilla?
Camilla
(sneezes)
Gonzo
Camilla? Camilla, aren't you — aren't you going to kiss me?
Camilla
(sneezes)
Gonzo
Oh, great. Just my luck. A chicken with hayfever.
Camilla
(sneezes)
Gonzo
Well, look now, Camilla, Camilla, why don't I take you out for some fresh air? Okay? That will make it all better. Okay?
Camilla sits down and sighs of relief. Once Gonzo opens the door, she sneezes again, and propels herself out the door.
Muppet Labs[]
Camilla lands in Bunsen's lab. She gets up and runs away.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, jeepers, you're about to witness the world's first demonstration of fireproof paper. Here is my assistant Beaker, carrying a lighted blowtorch. He will now show you how impossible it is to ignite the fireproof paper in this basket.
The paper ignites. Beaker screams.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
There is no way this paper can burn. With Muppets' fireproof paper, you will always feel secure. Tune in next time, and witness Muppet Labs' new answer to the energy crisis, flammable water.
Beaker tries to put out the fire with a hose, but it only gets bigger.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. … Oh, dear.
Beaker
(screams)
Statler
What do you suppose they call that? A novelty act?
Waldorf
I don't know, but it wasn't too bad.
Statler
Well, that's a novelty.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Piggy notices Big Bird entering.
Miss Piggy
Holy maracas!
Big Bird
Oh, hi. I'm Big Bird.
Miss Piggy
Huh. No kiddin'.
Big Bird
I'm a friend of Kermit's.
Miss Piggy
Oh.
Big Bird
Yeah, we both come from the same neighborhood. Sesame Street.
Miss Piggy
Oh. Isn't that that cute little children's show with puppets?
Big Bird
Uh-huh. Well, who are you?
Miss Piggy
(incredulous) Who am I? (poses) I am Miss Piggy.
Big Bird
Oh. Well, do you work around here?
Miss Piggy
Uh, listen, yellow thing, uh, do you see this star here? (points to the star on her dressing room door)
Big Bird
Oh, yes. It's very pretty.
Miss Piggy
And, uh, do you know why it is there?
Big Bird
Well, uh...
Miss Piggy
Hmm? Hmm?
Big Bird
Perfect attendance?
Miss Piggy
Ahem. I am the singing star of this show!
Big Bird
A singing pig?! (laughs) That's very funny! (continues laughing)
Miss Piggy
Kiss your feathers goodbye, bird! Hi-YAH— AAAAH!
Just as she's about to karate-chop him, he bends over laughing, and she falls over the balcony and down the stairs. Big Bird looks down at her.
Big Bird
Ah! You do acrobatics, too. (to viewer) She's very versatile.
"Here You Come Again"[]
Open on Lew Zealand and Leslie laughing.
Lew Zealand
Oh, Leslie, it's really a pleasure to have you on the show with us.
Leslie
Well, thank you, Lew. And it's a thrill for me to work with a boomerang-fish thrower.
Lew Zealand
Well, I should think so. Hee-hee.
Leslie
Listen, Lew, what does it take to become a great boomerang-fish thrower?
Lew Zealand
Well, you gotta have sole. (she chuckles) And if you can't get sole, use halibut.
Leslie
(chuckles) I should have guessed.
Lew Zealand
But in that case, I use a catcher's mitt.
Leslie
Why? No, no, don't tell me. Let me guess. Uh, just for the halibut?
Lew Zealand
Hee! You're catching on. Hee-hee-hee.
Leslie
Listen, how did you acquire this talent? Was it an accident?
Lew Zealand
No, it was on porpoise. Hee-hee-hee.
Leslie
I give him the straight lines and he gives me the fish lines.
Lew Zealand
Heh-heh. You know, I started this act using kippers. My brother and I did the act together, but we split up.
Leslie
Why?
Lew Zealand
Hey —
Both
Am I my brother's kipper?
Leslie
Listen. I gotta quit this and sing my song.
Lew Zealand
Oh, great idea. I'll accompany you on fish.
Music swells up.
Leslie
Well, Lew, I was kind of expecting violins. … Well, what the heck?
Lew Zealand
Yeah.
Leslie sings "Here You Come Again" while Lew throws a fish and it comes back to him.
Lew Zealand
Two at once.
Leslie
All right.
He throws two at once and they come back.
Leslie
Fascin — (they land) I love this. … Whoo! Fun, fun, fun!
Lew Zealand
Watch this one. (continues throwing)
Leslie
(continues singing) … Oh, this is fabulous.
Lew Zealand
Swordfish this time.
Leslie
(continues singing)
Lew throws three swordfish in a row. Leslie backs against the wall, and the three of them hit the wall close to her.
Leslie
Ma!
Applause. She bows.
Waldorf
That reminds me. This show has always reminded me of a sardine.
Statler
Why?
Waldorf
It's a little fishy.
They chuckle. A swordfish lands in their box.
UK spot[]
Miss Piggy sings "Mad About the Frog" with Rowlf backing her up on piano, joined by a Whatnot violinist.
Bear on Patrol[]
The opening montage plays.
Announcer
And now, Bear On Patrol.
Link touch-types on the typewriter. Fozzie drags in a pig suspect.
Fozzie
All right, all right, come on! You just come with me, you... you... sir — sir, Sergeant, I have just picked up this very dangerous cr—
Link Hogthrob
In a minute, Patrol Bear. I have to finish this report. (types) Oh, drat, I made a mistake. Now I'll have to start all over again. (removes the paper)
Fozzie
But sir, can't that report wait?
Link Hogthrob
No, this is a very serious charge.
Fozzie
What is it?
Link Hogthrob
Littering. (crumples the paper and throws it)
Fozzie
Sir, sir, this also is a very serious charge.
Link Hogthrob
Oh, yeah? What's the charge?
Fozzie
Impersonating an officer.
Link Hogthrob
Can you prove it?
Fozzie
Of course I can prove it, Sergeant. Go ahead, do your stuff.
Pig (SW)
Okay, impersonating an officer.
Drumroll.
Pig (SW)
(Fozzie voice) Ahh. Of course I can prove it, Sergeant. Go ahead, do your stuff. Ahh.
Link Hogthrob
Hey, that's not bad.
Pig (SW)
Thank you.
Fozzie
Yep, now look, Sergeant, this is a very dangerous criminal. He should be locked up.
Link Hogthrob
I think he should be locked up. Here are the keys. I'll finish up the report.
Fozzie
I'm going to lock him up.
Pig (SW)
Well, I should've known better than to try to fool with you, Patrol Bear.
Fozzie
Yeah, you're darn tootin'!
Fozzie unlocks the cell. The pig opens it.
Pig (SW)
After you.
Fozzie
Thank you.
He walks in the cell. The pig locks him in.
Fozzie
Listen, tell me what kind of food you like and I'll...
Pig (SW)
Ahem. (Fozzie voice) Uh, see you later, Sarge. (exits)
Link Hogthrob
Right.
Fozzie
Aahhh…! Sergeant, wait a minute! He locked me in!
Link Hogthrob
(fixated on typewriter) Not bad. You sound more like him all the time. Now try to do me.
Fozzie
Oh! Sergeant, you don't understand! He got away!
Link Hogthrob
No, that's not me. You still sound like that dumb bear that brought you in here. Try it again. I have a deep, authoritative voice.
Fozzie
Sergeant, will you just turn around, please?!
Link Hogthrob
Better, but keep tying. You need more macho.
Link continues typing.
Backstage[]
Leslie
Tell me, Gonzo, what is it about Camilla that first attracted you to her?
Gonzo
Are you kidding? Everything. She's beautiful, witty, charming, delightful company, a good cook, and she's very talented.
Leslie
Really? What does she do?
Gonzo
(calls) Camilla!
Camilla does a flamenco dance as Gonzo and other chickens watch.
Gonzo
Arriba! … Cha cha cha!
Leslie
Oh, wow!
Gonzo
Yeah.
Leslie
Well, I would've thought that was impossible!
Gonzo
What, to get a chicken to dance?
Leslie
No, to find tap shoes for claws.
Vendawish[]
A man walks by a vending machine with eyes.
Vendawish
Hello. I am Vendawish. Deposit a coin and I will answer any wish you may have.
The man deposits a coin.
Vendawish
Thank you. Now, please state your wish and I will grant it.
Man (SW)
Uh, I wish I was taller.
Vendawish
Taller.
Man (SW)
Yeah.
Two robotic hands reach out and stretch the man's neck about two feet high. The man walks away.
Vendawish
Next.
"Gonzo's Song"[]
Gonzo gets ready to serenade Camilla, who sits on a balcony.
Gonzo
Camilla, I have written a song for you. Oh, Sinatra or Mick Jagger will probably wanna record it. But I want you to hear it from me first.
Camilla
Aww.
He plays the ukulele and sings.
Gonzo
You alone, you are my one and only chicken steady.
Camilla
(clucking along to music)
Gonzo
And if you leave I will alone and lonely sicken, ready.
Camilla
(clucking along to music)
Gonzo
You and I… We're a team and that's a fact. You and I… What a terrific idea for an act!
Oh, listen to the rhymes in the chorus. It's very Cole Porter-y.
Gonzo
Camilla… You're sweeter than wine or vanilla. Camilla… Come lie beneath this tree, it's a willa. Camilla…
Camilla
(clucks excitedly)
Gonzo
Camilla… The night it grows stilla and stilla. Camilla… You're prettier by far than Godzilla. Camilla!
Enter Big Bird. Gonzo does a take.
Gonzo
Who are you?
Big Bird
Huh? Me?
Gonzo
Wow! Perfection incarnate! Wow! Statuesque, and yet still poultry in every sense.
Camilla looks uneasy.
Gonzo
You have that one thing lacking in chickens. (sighs) Bulk.
Big Bird
I'm so confused.
Gonzo
You are so huge!
Big Bird
Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. I was just looking for Miss Uggams.
Gonzo
And you found me. Lady luck has smiled and showered us with that certain thing...
Camilla knocks a flower pot over. It lands on Gonzo's head.
Big Bird
Flower pot.
Camilla
Hmph!
Backstage[]
Man (SW)
Oh, please, Dr. Honeydew, I can't go through life with this long neck.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Never fear, at Muppet Labs we have done extensive research on shortening long necks.
Man (SW)
Then you can help?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Of course. This is our latest therapy technique.
He takes out a baseball bat, swings at the man, and the man ducks, shrinking his neck to its normal height. The man faints.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Don't thank me. It's all in a day's work.
Kermit runs towards the stage, and trips over the man on the floor.
Kermit
Please, Dr. Honeydew, don't leave a mess backstage. If you're through playing with him, put him away!
"Love Will Keep Us Together"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And now, once again, here is our very special guest, who will be joined by a very tall feathered friend who just wandered in off the street — uh, Sesame Street, to be precise. Ladies and gentlemen, Big Bird and Leslie Uggams.
In a forest clearing, Birdwatchers Leslie and Big Bird sneak up on each other and sing "Love Will Keep Us Together", joined by other birds.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, the lovely Leslie Uggams! YAAAY!
Applause as she comes out. Gonzo follows an angry Camilla.
Leslie
Thank you, Kermit.
Gonzo
Listen, chicky babe, you've gotta forgive me. I'll never talk to another chicken again.
Another chicken approaches him.
Gonzo
Oh, hi, Camilla. GAHH— Camilla?!
Leslie
Gonzo, you're quite a shocker. I thought that Camilla was your one true love.
Gonzo
Oh, yeah, uh, well, uh, chickens all look the same to me.
The two chickens start pecking him.
Leslie
Girls, please. Well, I'd like to thank a really different-looking chicken, Big Bird from Sesame Street.
Big Bird
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Kermit
Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather as the credits roll. The chickens return to join Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf
Have we ever said that this show is for the birds?
Statler
Yes, and we'll keep saying it until it gets a laugh.