Beautiful Day Monster sneaks up on Gonzo, grabbing the trumpet from his hands and playing the solo for himself.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And it's gonna be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is a writer, director, and the talented star of that popular film Rocky, Mr. Sylvester Stallone!
He is immediately flocked by screaming groupies, whom he quickly shoos away.
Kermit
I'm sorry about that, folks. Uh, right now, we're going to present a dance from Hawaii...
Groupie (LG)
Is Sylvester gonna wear a grass skirt?
Kermit
No! He's not in the number! Now get back to your seat! Uh, curtain!
Well, don't complain. Working on The Muppet Show's a great job for a pig.
Pig (SW)
Yeah, I'll say. We could be working luaus.
Kermit
Well, we're off to a possibly decent start.
The groupies sneak backstage and chatter excitedly.
Groupie (LG)
We're here! We're really here!
Kermit
Good grief, it's Sylvester Stallone's groupie brigade. Uh, listen, girls! Uh, you're not allowed backstage during the show.
Groupie (KM)
Oh, it's okay, we've got passes.
Groupie (DG)
Yeah.
Kermit
Passes? We don't give out passes.
Groupie (LG)
I'll say you don't give 'em out, frog.
Groupie (DG)
Yeah, they cost us a bundle.
Kermit
Wait a minute. Who could be selling backstage passes around here?
Scooter enters, counting a stack of money.
Scooter
…27, 28, 29 bucks!
Kermit
Scooter!
Scooter
Yeah, boss?
Kermit
Scooter, I wanna talk to you!
Scooter
OK.
Kermit
Uh — right now I've gotta introduce Sylvester Stallone. (the groupies gasp) But I want you to stay right here and don't move! (runs onstage)
Scooter
Right. See how valuable those passes are, girls? The frog's gonna let us stay right here so we can see Sylvester up close.
They all squeal.
Groupies
Up close! Up close! Oh boy oh boy!
Scooter
Up close!
Gladiator[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
OK, right now, we take you back in time to the old Roman coliseum, where brave gladiators sometimes looked like Sylvester Stallone!
The curtain opens on a Roman coliseum setting. A lion growls in a cage. Rowlf and Zelda Rose assume the roles of Caesar and Calpurnia. Sylvester the gladiator emerges, and the groupies go nuts from the wings. He tosses his helmet to a pig in the audience.
Sylvester
Hold this, guys.
The cage opens and the lion comes out. He stands on his hind legs and growls, but Sly growls back and the lion cowers and runs back to his cage, which shuts. Sly charges the lion with his trident, but misses. Sly pulls out a sword, and the lion pricks his paw and winces. The forum starts booing. Sly throws down his shield and begins punching the lion.
Lion
(points) Look!
Sly looks behind him. The lion tries tiptoeing away, but Sly steps on his tail. The forum gives a thumbs down.
Rowlf
Kill him! Kill him! Kill the lion!
The lion holds up his paws in protest, to no avail. The lion thinks for a second, then gets an idea.
Lion
Two, three, four.
Cue the music. The lion and Sly launch into a duet.
Lion
I say I'll bite you.
Sylvester
And I say I'll beat you. I say I'll beat you…
Lion
And I say I'll eat you!
Sylvester
Fight you!
Lion
Beat you!
Sylvester
Bite you!
Lion
Eat you!
Both
Let's call the whole thing off.
Sly swings his sword at the lion.
Lion
Two, three, four!
I say Agustus…
Sylvester
And I say "Agoostus".
Lion
I say quo vadis…
Sylvester
And I say where ya going?
Lion
Agustus…
Sylvester
"Agoostus"…
Lion
Quo vadis…
Sylvester
Where ya going?
Both
Let's call the whole thing off.
Sylvester
We've gotta make this look good, all right?
They start play-fighting.
Lion
If we call the whole thing off, then we must part.
He bites Sly on the leg. Sly picks him up, twirls him around, and throws him on the ground.
Lion
So if you like Plato, and I like Pluto…
Sylvester
I'll give up Plato and stick with Pluto, and Mickey and Goofy.
The forum starts clamoring. Sly and the lion have their big finish.
Both
Let's call the whole thing off!
Sylvester
Come on, I'll buy you a steak.
Applause. Sly bows and showboats with the lion.
Waldorf
Well, I always heard that music can soothe the savage beast. Now I believe it.
Statler
Yeah, good thing the lion learned to sing. Stallone would've killed him.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The Romans pass by Scooter.
Green Roman
Balonius and Stomp my Foot went to the fair. Balonius come back, who's left there?
Blue Roman
Uh, Stomp my Foot.
Green Roman
OK. (stomps on his foot)
Blue Roman
(winces)
Scooter
Oh! Okay, girls, here comes Kermit! Now, do exactly what I told you to.
Groupie (KM)
Okay. (they all hush)
Kermit
Scooter, it's time we had a serious talk.
Scooter
Boss, I understand you don't want these groupies backstage.
Kermit
That's true.
Scooter
I understand you're angry with me for letting them in.
Kermit
That's true too.
Scooter
Well, I wouldn't have if they weren't just so desperate to see you!
Kermit
Me?
Groupies
Yeah! C'mere!
They flock him. Kermit protests.
Kermit
Girls! Girls! Girls! You're going to have to leave! Kermit insists upon it.
They groan and nuzzle up to Kermit.
Kermit
Uh, wait, wait now. Well, uh, well, leaving isn't what I insist upon, exactly. Uh, well, uh, standing quietly, uh, over there near my desk, uh, will do just fine. Heh.
He walks away happily after getting kissed. Scooter waits till he's gone.
Scooter
He fell for it! OK, quickly now, up the stairs, we'll go to Sylvester's dressing room. Come on!
They all leave. One stays behind and looks back.
Groupie (KM)
Who was that small green man? (shrugs, exits)
Dressing room[]
Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter
Say, Sly, could I have a word with you for a minute?
Sylvester
Oh, sure, Scooter, come on in.
Scooter
Oh, great. You see, there are a couple of your fans waiting outside. — Well, they're not waiting, they wanted to meet—
Oh, look at all the bodybuilding stuff Sly has here!
Groupie (KM)
Yeah! Are you really training, Sly?
Sylvester
Well, no, not really. I mean, I'm not really a fighter. I made a movie about fighting. But I like to uh, work out and keep in shape, y'know…
He bounces his biceps and the girls go gaga.
Scooter
What'd I tell you, what'd I tell you! Hey, Sly, could you show us a few punches?
Groupies
Yes! Yes!
Sylvester
Scooter, for you, anything. (stands up)
Scooter
Oh, okay, girls, you hear that? Punches!
Groupies
(cheering)
Sly demonstrates with a punching bag.
Sylvester
This, this is a jab.
Scooter
Whoa! Huh?
Sylvester
More?
Scooter
Please.
Groupies
(cheering)
Sylvester
Okay, this is a one-two.
Groupies
(squealing)
Sylvester
Okay, this is a big combination. One-two, and here it comes... Oh!
Groupies
(squealing)
Scooter
Could I have your autograph?
Groupies
(squealing) Me too! Me too!
Punching bag
Me too!
Sylvester
Who said that?
Punching bag
(sprouts a face) I did. Boy, Stallone, do you have some left hook. (laughs)
Otto the Automatic Entertainer[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
All right, and now, for something sort of different. Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Albert Flan and his Robot Comedian.
The curtain opens as a fanfare plays.
Albert
Hello there, boys and girls. Is everybody having a good time?
Waldorf
No!
Albert
Great. Haha! Well, we're sure having some fun tonight, huh? (chuckles) But look! Who's this? It's Otto, the Automatic Entertainer!
Otto rolls past him.
Albert
Hi there, Otto. No, come back, come back. (chuckles)
Otto rolls next to him.
Albert
Well, say hello to the nice boys and girls, Otto.
Otto
(turns his back to the crowd) Hello, nice boys and girls, Otto.
Albert
No, no, no, behind you.
Otto turns 180° and a spring comes loose.
Otto
Whoo!
Albert
(chuckles) Say, aren't you Otto, the six million dollar funny man?
Otto
Boop boop.
Albert
Shake.
Otto shakes, and his arm falls off.
Albert
(chuckles) Well, you don't get a lot for six million dollars these days. (chuckles) Yeah, a little topical humor there for the grownups. (chuckles) Still, I bet you've got some funny jokes for the boys and girls tonight, Otto.
Otto
Oh, yes. There was this six foot parrot goes... (starts smoking) into this restaurant… (bleeping) ... to pay, but I can tap dance if you... (bleeping) ... and started eating the bagpipes. Ha, ha, ha...
Sly exercises on a recumbent bike. Someone knocks at the door.
Sylvester
Hello?
Link Hogthrob
(peers in) Hello, Sylv, are you decent?
Sylvester
No, but my folks were. Come on in.
Link Hogthrob
Rumor has it that there are a bunch of groupies loose in the theater.
Sylvester
Oh, really.
Link Hogthrob
Yeah. Do you, uh, think I'm safe here?
Sylvester
Yeah, I think you can rest easy.
Link Hogthrob
Hmm. You know, I noticed when you came here you didn't arrive with much baggage.
Sylvester
Yeah, that's me, I travel light, no baggage, on the go …
Link Hogthrob
Yeah, that's you. (chuckles) Traveling light, yeah. Well, listen, if you need anything, you just let me know, huh.
Sylvester
Well, thanks a lot, Link. I appreciate it.
Link Hogthrob
For instance, I mean, if you wanted my aftershave lotion, it's in the right-hand drawer.
Sylvester
Well, thanks, Link, but I don't.
Link Hogthrob
Yeah, my cologne is in the left drawer.
Sylvester
Well, thank you, Link.
Link Hogthrob
And the scented body talc is above the mirror.
Sylvester
Link, you sure treat yourself well, you know that?
Link Hogthrob
Oh, can't complain. You know, us guys, you gotta stay fit, y'know. Watch this.
He punches a speedball, then winces and nurses his fist. The speedball reclines and punches him back, giving him a black eye.
Sylvester
Link? What's the matter? What's the matter?
Link's snout is stuck in his mouth.
Sylvester
Oh. I'll get it. (he pops it out)
Link Hogthrob
Oh, tell me the worst. Did he mark me?
Sylvester
Yeah, a little bit, I'm afraid.
Link Hogthrob
Oh, no.
Sylvester
Hey, Link Link, don't cry, don't feel bad. You still smell nice.
He fends off the stench when Link's back is turned.
William Tell Overture[]
As the orchestra tunes up, Beauregard passes by Sam in the wings.
Beauregard
Excuse me.
Sam the Eagle
(stops him) Oh! Oh! You can't go out there. That is the stage.
Beauregard
Well, I know that...
Sam the Eagle
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Beauregard
I know that. I'm playing in the William Tell Overture.
Sam the Eagle
I didn't know you were musical.
Beauregard
I'm not. (walks off)
Sam the Eagle
Hmm. Should have a lot in common with the rest of the band.
The orchestra, with Animal on the drums, plays the William Tell Overture. The double bass player uses the strings of his bass as a bow to shoot the bass's bow across the stage. The projectile then pierces an apple situated on Beauregard's head. Sam facepalms, and the orchestra members laugh.
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Open on Miss Piggy talking to an unseen person behind a wall.
Announcer
Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.
Miss Piggy
(aside) Hey, when are we on?
She notices she's on camera and runs to the operating table, where one of the Hawaiian pigs lays.
Announcer
The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf
All right, Nurse Janice, where is the next patient?
Janice
Well, here he is, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf
Where's he from?
Janice
Hawaii.
Rowlf
I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Dr. Bob, that is the oldest joke since they renamed the islands.
Rowlf
What were they called before?
Miss Piggy
Sandwich.
Rowlf
No thanks, I might get crumbs on the patient.
They all laugh.
Janice
Dr. Bob, the patient was in the opening Hawaiian number.
Rowlf
Oh.
Miss Piggy
Why wasn't I in that number? I can do the hula.
Rowlf
I've seen you do the hula. You're no great shakes. (laughs)
Janice
I think the patient misses Hawaii. He's homesick.
Rowlf
How can he be homesick when he's right here sick? (he and Piggy laugh)
Janice
I mean, he misses his home in Hawaii.
Rowlf
Oh, I can fix that. Hey, patient?
Pig (DG)
Yeah.
Rowlf
Watch this. (sways his hands and hums)
Miss Piggy
What is that?
Rowlf
Swaying palms. (laughs with Piggy)
Miss Piggy
"Swaying palms"!
Rowlf
Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Have we got any, have we got any napples?
Miss Piggy
Napples?
Rowlf
Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy
You mean apples?
Rowlf
No, napples. You put 'em on pies.
Miss Piggy
Oh, no.
All
Pineapples! (they all laugh)
Janice
Oh, no!
Announcer
And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf
Is he still up there?
Miss Piggy
Where is he?
Announcer
Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf
Hey, listen, maybe he's not really from Hawaii. Let's take his temperature and find out.
Miss Piggy
Oh — that makes sense.
Rowlf
(removes thermometer) Yep, he's from Hawaii. Look — Five-O.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy
"Five-O!"
Applause.
Backstage[]
The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit
OK, nice one, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf
Nice? It was a Hono-lulu!
They laugh.
Miss Piggy
We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.
Pig (DG)
Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb! You'll be hearing from my friends on Noman.
Kermit
Noman? Where is that?
Pig (DG)
No man is an island.
They laugh and run away.
Miss Piggy
He fell for it!
Kermit
Yeah, if you think that joke was bad, I'm gonna go out and introduce Fozzie.
Fozzie's comedy act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, comedy magic with our own Fozzie...
Fozzie
Psst! Psst!
Kermit
— what?
Fozzie
(whispers) Kermit. I cannot do my "sawing a lady in half" act.
Kermit
How come, no saw?
Fozzie
No lady. (Kermit frowns) Hey, Kermit, how about a "sawing a frog in half"?
Kermit
Fozzie! Listen! You just start. I'll find you a lady.
Fozzie
I'm not ready.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie
Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you, thank you and thank you! Haaa! Yes, sir, Fozzie the magician. Ahhh. A box! There's a box. Ha, ha, ha. Uh, uh, uh... Say, uh, who was that box I saw you with last night? (makes the box talk) "That was no box. That was my luggage." Ha, ha, ha! I am dicing with death out here, Kermit.
Kermit
Don't worry, it's okay. I found you a lady.
Fozzie
You did? Is she beautiful?
Kermit
No, but she's willing.
Fozzie
Good enough! Alrighty! Ladies and gentlemen, sawing a lady in half!
Otto the Automatic Entertainer, having been fixed, emerges on stage wearing a blonde wig.
Fozzie
This is a lady?
Otto
This is a magician?
Fozzie
(swats Otto with his hat) Will you cut that out! All right, um, uh, all right, into the box, beautiful assistant.
Otto
Into the box.
Fozzie
Into the box. The box! Over here, the box!
Otto mechanizes his way into the box.
Fozzie
You will notice that I did not touch or aid my assistant in any way. Get back, you fool! Into the box! Don't touch me! Into the box!
Kermit
Just do the trick and wind it up!
Fozzie
Uh, yes, sir. This is ridiculous. (reveals a saw) All right, sawing a, uh... thing in half. (begins sawing)
Otto
Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.
Fozzie
Oh, shut up!
Albert
Not the main power cables!
Fozzie
Say, what?
Fozzie gets zapped. Otto's head explodes. Fozzie collapses as the fanfare plays.
Waldorf
Yep. What did you think?
Statler
Shocking.
Waldorf
(laughs) Yes, but was it funny?
Statler
Of course not. That'd really be shocking.
They chuckle.
"A Bird in a Gilded Cage"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And here, once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone.
The curtain opens on a bar setting. Sylvester and the Muppets sing "A Bird in a Gilded Cage". The song brings everyone, including Statler and Waldorf, in tears.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, the time has come to say goodbye, because we don't have time for anything else. But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only Sylvester Stallone! Yaaaaay!
Applause.
Sylvester
Well, Kermit, I had a great time. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
Punching bag
Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time's sake.
Sylvester
Okay. (punches the bag)
Punching bag
(chuckles) Hey, Stallone, my kind of guy.
Kermit
Okay. That's it for now. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You've been a wonderful laugh track! Okay!