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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 320: Sylvester Stallone.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Sylvester Stallone? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Stallone. Everything okay?
Sylvester (holding a ukulele) Oh, yeah, I'm happy as a clam.
Four sad clams pass by, moaning.
Clam #1 I'm so miserable!
Clam #2 My back hurts!
Clam #3 I've gotta work overtime tonight.
Sylvester Well, happy as some clams.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone! Yaaaaayy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Beauregard Hey, don't you guys ever dust in here? (sneezes)
Beautiful Day Monster sneaks up on Gonzo, grabbing the trumpet from his hands and playing the solo for himself.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And it's gonna be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is a writer, director, and the talented star of that popular film Rocky, Mr. Sylvester Stallone!
He is immediately flocked by screaming groupies, whom he quickly shoos away.
Kermit I'm sorry about that, folks. Uh, right now, we're going to present a dance from Hawaii...
Groupie (LG) Is Sylvester gonna wear a grass skirt?
Kermit No! He's not in the number! Now get back to your seat! Uh, curtain!
The Pigs and Penguins sing the "Hawaiian War Chant". Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla throws coconuts at the singers.
Statler Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow, ow-ow-ow-ow!
Waldorf Hey — are you speaking Hawaiian?
Statler No! I bit my tongue! Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow …
Waldorf (chuckles)


The pigs pass by Kermit.
Kermit OK, nice number. Nice number.
Pig (JN) Well, don't complain. Working on The Muppet Show's a great job for a pig.
Pig (SW) Yeah, I'll say. We could be working luaus.
Kermit Well, we're off to a possibly decent start.
The groupies sneak backstage and chatter excitedly.
Groupie (LG) We're here! We're really here!
Kermit Good grief, it's Sylvester Stallone's groupie brigade. Uh, listen, girls! Uh, you're not allowed backstage during the show.
Groupie (KM) Oh, it's okay, we've got passes.
Groupie (DG) Yeah.
Kermit Passes? We don't give out passes.
Groupie (LG) I'll say you don't give 'em out, frog.
Groupie (DG) Yeah, they cost us a bundle.
Kermit Wait a minute. Who could be selling backstage passes around here?
Scooter enters, counting a stack of money.
Scooter …27, 28, 29 bucks!
Kermit Scooter!
Scooter Yeah, boss?
Kermit Scooter, I wanna talk to you!
Scooter OK.
Kermit Uh — right now I've gotta introduce Sylvester Stallone. (the groupies gasp) But I want you to stay right here and don't move! (runs onstage)
Scooter Right. See how valuable those passes are, girls? The frog's gonna let us stay right here so we can see Sylvester up close.
They all squeal.
Groupies Up close! Up close! Oh boy oh boy!
Scooter Up close!


Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit OK, right now, we take you back in time to the old Roman coliseum, where brave gladiators sometimes looked like Sylvester Stallone!
The curtain opens on a Roman coliseum setting. A lion growls in a cage. Rowlf and Zelda Rose assume the roles of Caesar and Calpurnia. Sylvester the gladiator emerges, and the groupies go nuts from the wings. He tosses his helmet to a pig in the audience.
Sylvester Hold this, guys.
The cage opens and the lion comes out. He stands on his hind legs and growls, but Sly growls back and the lion cowers and runs back to his cage, which shuts. Sly charges the lion with his trident, but misses. Sly pulls out a sword, and the lion pricks his paw and winces. The forum starts booing. Sly throws down his shield and begins punching the lion.
Lion (points) Look!
Sly looks behind him. The lion tries tiptoeing away, but Sly steps on his tail. The forum gives a thumbs down.
Rowlf Kill him! Kill him! Kill the lion!
The lion holds up his paws in protest, to no avail. The lion thinks for a second, then gets an idea.
Lion Two, three, four.
Cue the music. The lion and Sly launch into a duet.
Lion I say I'll bite you.

And I say I'll beat you.
I say I'll beat you…

Lion And I say I'll eat you!
Sylvester Fight you!
Lion Beat you!
Sylvester Bite you!
Lion Eat you!
Both Let's call the whole thing off.
Sly swings his sword at the lion.
Lion Two, three, four!

I say Agustus…

Sylvester And I say "Agoostus".
Lion I say quo vadis…
Sylvester And I say where ya going?
Lion Agustus…
Sylvester "Agoostus"…
Lion Quo vadis…
Sylvester Where ya going?
Both Let's call the whole thing off.
Sylvester We've gotta make this look good, all right?
They start play-fighting.
Lion If we call the whole thing off, then we must part.
He bites Sly on the leg. Sly picks him up, twirls him around, and throws him on the ground.
Lion So if you like Plato, and I like Pluto…
Sylvester I'll give up Plato and stick with Pluto, and Mickey and Goofy.
The forum starts clamoring. Sly and the lion have their big finish.
Both Let's call the whole thing off!
Sylvester Come on, I'll buy you a steak.
Applause. Sly bows and showboats with the lion.
Waldorf Well, I always heard that music can soothe the savage beast. Now I believe it.
Statler Yeah, good thing the lion learned to sing. Stallone would've killed him.
They chuckle.


The Romans pass by Scooter.
Green Roman Balonius and Stomp my Foot went to the fair. Balonius come back, who's left there?
Blue Roman Uh, Stomp my Foot.
Green Roman OK. (stomps on his foot)
Blue Roman (winces)
Scooter Oh! Okay, girls, here comes Kermit! Now, do exactly what I told you to.
Groupie (KM) Okay. (they all hush)
Kermit Scooter, it's time we had a serious talk.
Scooter Boss, I understand you don't want these groupies backstage.
Kermit That's true.
Scooter I understand you're angry with me for letting them in.
Kermit That's true too.
Scooter Well, I wouldn't have if they weren't just so desperate to see you!
Kermit Me?
Groupies Yeah! C'mere!
They flock him. Kermit protests.
Kermit Girls! Girls! Girls! You're going to have to leave! Kermit insists upon it.
They groan and nuzzle up to Kermit.
Kermit Uh, wait, wait now. Well, uh, well, leaving isn't what I insist upon, exactly. Uh, well, uh, standing quietly, uh, over there near my desk, uh, will do just fine. Heh.
He walks away happily after getting kissed. Scooter waits till he's gone.
Scooter He fell for it! OK, quickly now, up the stairs, we'll go to Sylvester's dressing room. Come on!
They all leave. One stays behind and looks back.
Groupie (KM) Who was that small green man? (shrugs, exits)

Dressing room

Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Say, Sly, could I have a word with you for a minute?
Sylvester Oh, sure, Scooter, come on in.
Scooter Oh, great. You see, there are a couple of your fans waiting outside. — Well, they're not waiting, they wanted to meet—
The groupies enter, squealing.
Groupie (LG) Oh, it's really him! Touch me! Touch me, please! Touch me!
Sylvester Touch you? (he does so and they swoon)
Scooter See, I told you.
Groupie (LG) Oh, look at all the bodybuilding stuff Sly has here!
Groupie (KM) Yeah! Are you really training, Sly?
Sylvester Well, no, not really. I mean, I'm not really a fighter. I made a movie about fighting. But I like to uh, work out and keep in shape, y'know…
He bounces his biceps and the girls go gaga.
Scooter What'd I tell you, what'd I tell you! Hey, Sly, could you show us a few punches?
Groupies Yes! Yes!
Sylvester Scooter, for you, anything. (stands up)
Scooter Oh, okay, girls, you hear that? Punches!
Groupies (cheering)
Sly demonstrates with a punching bag.
Sylvester This, this is a jab.
Scooter Whoa! Huh?
Sylvester More?
Scooter Please.
Groupies (cheering)
Sylvester Okay, this is a one-two.
Groupies (squealing)
Sylvester Okay, this is a big combination. One-two, and here it comes... Oh!
Groupies (squealing)
Scooter Could I have your autograph?
Groupies (squealing) Me too! Me too!
Punching bag Me too!
Sylvester Who said that?
Punching bag (sprouts a face) I did. Boy, Stallone, do you have some left hook. (laughs)

Otto the Automatic Entertainer

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit All right, and now, for something sort of different. Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Albert Flan and his Robot Comedian.
The curtain opens as a fanfare plays.
Albert Hello there, boys and girls. Is everybody having a good time?
Waldorf No!
Albert Great. Haha! Well, we're sure having some fun tonight, huh? (chuckles) But look! Who's this? It's Otto, the Automatic Entertainer!
Otto rolls past him.
Albert Hi there, Otto. No, come back, come back. (chuckles)
Otto rolls next to him.
Albert Well, say hello to the nice boys and girls, Otto.
Otto (turns his back to the crowd) Hello, nice boys and girls, Otto.
Albert No, no, no, behind you.
Otto turns 180° and a spring comes loose.
Otto Whoo!
Albert (chuckles) Say, aren't you Otto, the six million dollar funny man?
Otto Boop boop.
Albert Shake.
Otto shakes, and his arm falls off.
Albert (chuckles) Well, you don't get a lot for six million dollars these days. (chuckles) Yeah, a little topical humor there for the grownups. (chuckles) Still, I bet you've got some funny jokes for the boys and girls tonight, Otto.
Otto Oh, yes. There was this six foot parrot goes... (starts smoking) into this restaurant… (bleeping) ... to pay, but I can tap dance if you... (bleeping) ... and started eating the bagpipes. Ha, ha, ha...
BOOM! Otto's head explodes.
Albert Uh, wow, terrific. (chuckles) And now... Uh...
Otto's body collapses.
Albert Well, bye-bye, boys and girls. (chuckles)

UK spot

"Lady Be Good" is sung by Floyd, accompanied by Dr. Teeth and Zoot.

Dressing room

Sly exercises on a recumbent bike. Someone knocks at the door.
Sylvester Hello?
Link Hogthrob (peers in) Hello, Sylv, are you decent?
Sylvester No, but my folks were. Come on in.
Link Hogthrob Rumor has it that there are a bunch of groupies loose in the theater.
Sylvester Oh, really.
Link Hogthrob Yeah. Do you, uh, think I'm safe here?
Sylvester Yeah, I think you can rest easy.
Link Hogthrob Hmm. You know, I noticed when you came here you didn't arrive with much baggage.
Sylvester Yeah, that's me, I travel light, no baggage, on the go …
Link Hogthrob Yeah, that's you. (chuckles) Traveling light, yeah. Well, listen, if you need anything, you just let me know, huh.
Sylvester Well, thanks a lot, Link. I appreciate it.
Link Hogthrob For instance, I mean, if you wanted my aftershave lotion, it's in the right-hand drawer.
Sylvester Well, thanks, Link, but I don't.
Link Hogthrob Yeah, my cologne is in the left drawer.
Sylvester Well, thank you, Link.
Link Hogthrob And the scented body talc is above the mirror.
Sylvester Link, you sure treat yourself well, you know that?
Link Hogthrob Oh, can't complain. You know, us guys, you gotta stay fit, y'know. Watch this.
He punches a speedball, then winces and nurses his fist. The speedball reclines and punches him back, giving him a black eye.
Sylvester Link? What's the matter? What's the matter?
Link's snout is stuck in his mouth.
Sylvester Oh. I'll get it. (he pops it out)
Link Hogthrob Oh, tell me the worst. Did he mark me?
Sylvester Yeah, a little bit, I'm afraid.
Link Hogthrob Oh, no.
Sylvester Hey, Link Link, don't cry, don't feel bad. You still smell nice.
He fends off the stench when Link's back is turned.

William Tell Overture

As the orchestra tunes up, Beauregard passes by Sam in the wings.
Beauregard Excuse me.
Sam the Eagle (stops him) Oh! Oh! You can't go out there. That is the stage.
Beauregard Well, I know that...
Sam the Eagle Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Beauregard I know that. I'm playing in the William Tell Overture.
Sam the Eagle I didn't know you were musical.
Beauregard I'm not. (walks off)
Sam the Eagle Hmm. Should have a lot in common with the rest of the band.
The orchestra, with Animal on the drums, plays the William Tell Overture. The double bass player uses the strings of his bass as a bow to shoot the bass's bow across the stage. The projectile then pierces an apple situated on Beauregard's head. Sam facepalms, and the orchestra members laugh.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on Miss Piggy talking to an unseen person behind a wall.
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.
Miss Piggy (aside) Hey, when are we on?
She notices she's on camera and runs to the operating table, where one of the Hawaiian pigs lays.
Announcer The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf All right, Nurse Janice, where is the next patient?
Janice Well, here he is, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Where's he from?
Janice Hawaii.
Rowlf I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy Oh, Dr. Bob, that is the oldest joke since they renamed the islands.
Rowlf What were they called before?
Miss Piggy Sandwich.
Rowlf No thanks, I might get crumbs on the patient.
They all laugh.
Janice Dr. Bob, the patient was in the opening Hawaiian number.
Rowlf Oh.
Miss Piggy Why wasn't I in that number? I can do the hula.
Rowlf I've seen you do the hula. You're no great shakes. (laughs)
Janice I think the patient misses Hawaii. He's homesick.
Rowlf How can he be homesick when he's right here sick? (he and Piggy laugh)
Janice I mean, he misses his home in Hawaii.
Rowlf Oh, I can fix that. Hey, patient?
Pig (DG) Yeah.
Rowlf Watch this. (sways his hands and hums)
Miss Piggy What is that?
Rowlf Swaying palms. (laughs with Piggy)
Miss Piggy "Swaying palms"!
Rowlf Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Have we got any, have we got any napples?
Miss Piggy Napples?
Rowlf Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy You mean apples?
Rowlf No, napples. You put 'em on pies.
Miss Piggy Oh, no.
All Pineapples! (they all laugh)
Janice Oh, no!
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf Is he still up there?
Miss Piggy Where is he?
Announcer Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf Hey, listen, maybe he's not really from Hawaii. Let's take his temperature and find out.
Miss Piggy Oh — that makes sense.
Rowlf (removes thermometer) Yep, he's from Hawaii. Look — Five-O.
They all laugh.
Miss Piggy "Five-O!"


The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit OK, nice one, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf Nice? It was a Hono-lulu!
They laugh.
Miss Piggy We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.
Pig (DG) Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb! You'll be hearing from my friends on Noman.
Kermit Noman? Where is that?
Pig (DG) No man is an island.
They laugh and run away.
Miss Piggy He fell for it!
Kermit Yeah, if you think that joke was bad, I'm gonna go out and introduce Fozzie.

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, comedy magic with our own Fozzie...
Fozzie Psst! Psst!
Kermit — what?
Fozzie (whispers) Kermit. I cannot do my "sawing a lady in half" act.
Kermit How come, no saw?
Fozzie No lady. (Kermit frowns) Hey, Kermit, how about a "sawing a frog in half"?
Kermit Fozzie! Listen! You just start. I'll find you a lady.
Fozzie I'm not ready.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you, thank you and thank you! Haaa! Yes, sir, Fozzie the magician. Ahhh. A box! There's a box. Ha, ha, ha. Uh, uh, uh... Say, uh, who was that box I saw you with last night? (makes the box talk) "That was no box. That was my luggage." Ha, ha, ha! I am dicing with death out here, Kermit.
Kermit Don't worry, it's okay. I found you a lady.
Fozzie You did? Is she beautiful?
Kermit No, but she's willing.
Fozzie Good enough! Alrighty! Ladies and gentlemen, sawing a lady in half!
Otto the Automatic Entertainer, having been fixed, emerges on stage wearing a blonde wig.
Fozzie This is a lady?
Otto This is a magician?
Fozzie (swats Otto with his hat) Will you cut that out! All right, um, uh, all right, into the box, beautiful assistant.
Otto Into the box.
Fozzie Into the box. The box! Over here, the box!
Otto mechanizes his way into the box.
Fozzie You will notice that I did not touch or aid my assistant in any way. Get back, you fool! Into the box! Don't touch me! Into the box!
Kermit Just do the trick and wind it up!
Fozzie Uh, yes, sir. This is ridiculous. (reveals a saw) All right, sawing a, uh... thing in half. (begins sawing)
Otto Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.
Fozzie Oh, shut up!
Albert Not the main power cables!
Fozzie Say, what?
Fozzie gets zapped. Otto's head explodes. Fozzie collapses as the fanfare plays.
Waldorf Yep. What did you think?
Statler Shocking.
Waldorf (laughs) Yes, but was it funny?
Statler Of course not. That'd really be shocking.
They chuckle.

"A Bird in a Gilded Cage"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And here, once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone.
320 beer.jpg
The curtain opens on a bar setting. Sylvester and the Muppets sing "A Bird in a Gilded Cage". The song brings everyone, including Statler and Waldorf, in tears.


Kermit Okay! Well, the time has come to say goodbye, because we don't have time for anything else. But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only Sylvester Stallone! Yaaaaay!
Sylvester Well, Kermit, I had a great time. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
Punching bag Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time's sake.
Sylvester Okay. (punches the bag)
Punching bag (chuckles) Hey, Stallone, my kind of guy.
Kermit Okay. That's it for now. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You've been a wonderful laugh track! Okay!
The banter continues as the credits roll.
Waldorf Well, they say all good things come to an end.
Statler What's that got to do with this show?
They chuckle.