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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 321: Roger Miller.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Roger Come in.
Scooter Roger Miller! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Miller.
Roger Okay. Thank you, Scooter. Seems kinda quiet around here for a Muppet show. When do things start jumping?
Scooter Oh, just about... now!
321 cold open.jpg
The furniture starts jumping. A kangaroo joins them.
Roger Okay, okay! (giggles) Next question: when do they stop?


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Miller! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
321 statler and waldorf.jpg
Waldorf Don't look now, but I think there's penguins among us.
321 horn.jpg
Butterflies fly out of Gonzo's horn.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey, we're going to do it again. Here we are and welcome to it, it is The Muppet Show. I'm Kermit the Frog, and our special guest star is the one and only, sure to please or guarantee your money back, Mr. Roger Miller. But first... But first, I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower, as it sailed for the New World in 1620. What must it have been like? Uh, probably not like this.
Open on the open sea, where the Mayflower floats.
Voice (DG) Hey, this is terrible.
Voice (JN) Take heart, my friend.
Voice (DG) Take heart? Sixty-six days we've been on this terrible boat. Where're we going?
Voice (JN) Where're we going? I'll tell you where we're going.
Voice (DG) Tell us!
A gang of Pilgrim penguins sing "Alabamy Bound" and tap-dance. One penguin looks through a telescope at car-shaped islands.
Penguin (RH) Land ho! We've arrived in the new world! It's Plymouth Rock. And look over there, Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock! It's the promised land!
Penguins We're Alabamy bound!
Some penguins start leaping off the ship. Applause.
Waldorf You know, I thought the Pilgrim fathers were against show business.
Statler They were against entertainment. This doesn't count.
They chuckle.


The penguins pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, very nice, pilgrims. Nice going, penguins. It is the Pilgrim Penguins.
One penguin sneezes and turns into a chicken.
Kermit (not looking) Gesunheit.
Chicken (SW) Thank you.
Kermit (gasp) Wait a second. Weren't you a penguin just a minute ago?
Chicken (SW) (gasp) Yeah. What happened?
Kermit I don't know, but there's somebody who might. Gonzo!
321 chicken penguin.jpg
Gonzo (WHOOSH!) Yes, Kermit?
Kermit Gonzo, you are an expert on chickens.
Gonzo Uh, well, I like to think so.
Kermit Uh, okay. Well, look at this right here.
Gonzo Wow. (pets the chicken) Hey, you're kind of, uh, new around here, aren't you?
Kermit Gonzo! A minute ago, this chicken was a penguin.
Gonzo (backs away) YUCHH! Gosh.
Kermit So how could this have happened?
Gonzo Ah β€” I think I know.
Kermit What?
Gonzo Well, it looks to me like an outbreak of... And I could use a dramatic sting here…
Kermit Gonzo! Never mind the dramatic sting. An outbreak of what?
Gonzo An outbreak of... Cluckitis!
A dramatic sting plays.
Kermit Cluck β€” Cluckitis?
Gonzo Yes. It's where anybody can suddenly turn into a chicken.
Kermit Anybody?
Gonzo Yes, isn't it terrific?
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The Swedish Chef comes out of his dressing room. He sneezes and turns into a chicken.
Kermit There's another one. Gonzo, I've got to go on stage. Don't say anything about this.
Gonzo Well, gee, that won't be easy.
Kermit Yeah, well, it could disrupt the show. Just act normal. (goes onstage)
Gonzo That won't be easy, either.

"In the Summertime"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Oh, boy. It looks like it'll be one of those evenings. But if we're lucky, it'll be one of these evenings! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the King of the Road, Mr. Roger Miller! Yaaaay!
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Roger Miller sings "In the Summertime" amidst a patch of music playing watermelons.
Roger Marvelous. Thank you all. It was so lovely.
Statler Arthur! Arthur!
Waldorf Don't you mean "Author, author"?
Statler His name's Arthur. Arthur Miller.
Waldorf No, it's Roger Miller.
Statler Oh.
Statler & Waldorf Roger! Roger!


The watermelons go backstage. Kermit sees a chicken at his desk.
Kermit Uh... Uh, hey. Ahem. Have you always been a chicken?
The chicken takes offense and walks away.
Scooter Been working pretty hard, huh, boss? Maybe you need a vacation.
Kermit You... You heard, huh?
Scooter Yeah, do you wanna talk about it?
Kermit Uh β€” maybe a little later, Scooter.
Scooter Oh, okay β€” (sneezes, turns into a chicken)
Kermit Scooter!
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Scooter Do you wanna talk about it now?
Kermit Well, uh, listen, you'll never understand this, but... people are suddenly turning into chickens!
Scooter No! (Kermit nods) Er, Cluckitis, huh?
The dramatic sting plays.
Kermit Look, I don't want the rest of the cast to know about this, Scooter. Just don't say anything, huh?
Scooter Yeah, but as soon as I talk they'll know.
Kermit Well, so don't talk. From now on, just make chicken sounds. I'm going upstairs, uh, just a second, to see how things are upst... Wait a minute, Scooter, what's on next?
Scooter Oh, uh... Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck?
Kermit Scooter!
Scooter Bear on Patrol.
Kermit leaves.
Scooter (shrugs) He told me to talk like a chicken.

Bear on Patrol

The opening montage plays.
Announcer And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Fozzie brings a pig into the station.
Fozzie All right, you. Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Pig (DG) Ouch! Lighten up.
Fozzie Come on. Sir! Sergeant, I have just captured this dastardly criminal.
Link Hogthrob Oh, ho! What's the charge?
Fozzie Assaulting an officer.
A dramatic sting plays. They all look around.
Link Hogthrob Sir. Did you actually strike this poor patrol bear while he was out ridding the world of evil?
Pig (DG) Oh... I don't know what come over me.
Fozzie Hah.
Link Hogthrob Oh, what a report this will make. I'd like a complete and accurate description of everything you did.
Pig (DG) Complete?
Link Hogthrob And totally accurate.
Fozzie What the pig said.
321 bear on patrol.jpg
Pig (DG) Okay. First I kicked him in the shins. Thusly. (kicks him)
Fozzie In the shins, he did. Oh! Oh! Oh! That hurt! Oh, not again. That β€” like last time. (groans)
Link Hogthrob (writing) "… kicked him in the shins … thusly". Is that... is that exactly how you did it?
Pig (DG) Well, not exactly. Really it was more like this. Harder.
Fozzie Harder?
The pig kicks him harder.
Fozzie Oh, not again... Oh, the other one! (groans)
Link Hogthrob (writes) Okay. Very good. Uh-huh. And then what?
Pig (DG) Oh. Well, and then I punched him in the jaw. (punches him)
Fozzie Wait. You don't have to do thaβ€”AHH! (groans)
Link Hogthrob (writing) "… punched him in the jaw".
Fozzie Wait a minute. This is not right.
Pig (DG) No, you're right. First I punched you in the jaw... (does so)
Fozzie Whoa!
Pig (DG) ...and then I kicked you. (does so)
Fozzie You wha... Whoa!
Pig (DG) Yeah. Thank you.
Fozzie (groans)
Link Hogthrob Thank you very much. Accuracy is important.
Pig (DG) Yeah, well the next thing, was I grabbed him by the collar and I made squishy-squishy with his nose.
Fozzie Oh, no. Not that again. Please don't.
He grabs Fozzie by the collar and squeezes his nose.
Pig (DG) Come on.
Link Hogthrob (writing) "… squishy-squishy... with his nose".
Pig (DG) Squishy-squishy.
Fozzie Oh, don't do that! Don't do that …
Link Hogthrob Uh, wait a second, wait a second. Hold on... Patrol Bear. I think this is all a mistake.
Fozzie Well, how do you mean?
Link Hogthrob Well, this man has been very cooperative with the police.
Fozzie What?
Link Hogthrob I don't think we should press charges. Sir, you are free to go.
Fozzie He's wha...?
Pig (DG) Thank you very much. (to Fozzie) Thank you.
He exits. Fozzie gets up, worse for the wear.
Link Hogthrob Patrol Bear...
Fozzie What?
Link Hogthrob You're a mess. Can't you do something about your appearance?
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Fozzie sneezes and turns into a chicken.
Link Hogthrob Hmm. That will do very nicely, Patrol Bear.
The closing music plays.


Robin attempts to catch a fly.
Robin Aw, missed. β€” Oh, hey, Uncle Kermit!
Kermit Yeah?
Robin Is it true there's an epidemic sweeping the Muppet Theatre, and we're all turning into chickens?
Kermit Uh, yes β€” yes, it is true, Robin. But uh, be quiet about it

'cause I don't want to spread the news around. Especially, I don't want to worry Roger about it.

Robin Oh.
Kermit So β€” I mean β€” it's really very embarrassing.
Robin Yeah. I understand, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit Yeah, so whatever you do, if you see Roger, do not tell him that we're turning into chickens.
Robin Okay.
Roger (scats) … Hi, guys. What's happening?
Robin Uh, we're not turning into chickens!
Awkward pause.
Roger I see... So you're not turning into chickens, huh?
Kermit Right.
321 robin chicken.jpg
Roger giggles. Robin sneezes and turns into a little chick. Kermit tries to save face.
Kermit Uh, well, hmm... Listen, uh, goodbye, Robin! Uh, hello, little chicken. (leads him away) Come on, let me show you to your coop.
Robin Peep peep!
Kermit I'll just introduce you, Roger.
Roger Well … I think I'll go on stage and not turn into a turkey.


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, Roger Miller has written a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness that seems particularly appropriate to our show. Here he is with one of them, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.
Roger and three Whatnots sing "Hat." The Whatnots sneeze and turn into chickens.

UK spot

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Muppets in a bar sing "Down at the Old Bull and Bush." A cow enters at the end to chase them all away.

Dressing room

Roger (singing) Rawhide …
A knock on the door.
Roger Come in.
Kermit Uh, excuse me, Roger. Are you busy?
Roger Oh, no, Kermit, come on in.
Kermit Well, you know, I'm sorry I haven't had more time to talk to you, but uh, things have been a little hectic around here today.
Roger Oh, I understand. How's the show going, really?
Kermit (stammers) Uh … fine. Fine.
Roger Oh? Any problems?
Kermit No, no... Smoothest show ever.
Roger Good. Glad to hear it.
Kermit We're looking forward to your final number.
Roger Oh, good. I only hope I don't turn chicken before I do it.
Kermit What? What? Why!?
Roger Oh, I just mean stage nerves. You know, I always get them.
Kermit Oh, oh, good.
Roger Good?
Kermit Well, I mean, good that a big star like you, uh, uh, still gets chickens β€” I mean, butterflies!
Lew Zealand (a chicken) Hey, Kermit, hee-hee, you'll never guess what happened. (giggles)
321 lew chicken.jpg
Roger Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Isn't β€” isn't that Lew Zealand?
Kermit Uh, uh... No.
Lew Zealand Yeah!
Roger That chicken suit really looks convincing.
Lew Zealand Oh, glad you like it. Hee-hee-hee.
Roger Golly. Say, tell me something, Lew, are you still, uh, doing that, what you call the boomerang, uh, the fish... boomerang fish act, is what it is.
Lew Zealand Oh, yeah, sure, but I've had to make a couple of changes.
Roger What kind of changes?
Lew Zealand Well, I'm calling it Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Egg Act.
Roger I see. How's it go?
Lew Zealand Yeah, you see, I throw the eggs away...
He tosses three eggs, and several eggs are thrown back at him. Kermit and Roger try to dodge them. Kermit exits.
Roger I gotta say it. These are the yolks, folks.
Lew Zealand Eggs-actly.
They both laugh. Roger hugs Lew.

"Pop Goes the Weasel"

Rowlf the Dog plays "Pop Goes the Weasel." Just before the weasel "pops," Rowlf sneezes and turns into a chicken.


Kermit comes backstage and sees a lot of chickens.
Kermit Oh, boy. (through the intercom) Uh, Veterinarian's Hospital, next. Veterinarian's Hospital. Uh, Gonzo!
Gonzo Yes, Kermit. (chuckles) Hello, ladies. Ha ha …
Kermit Gonzo!
Gonzo … you're chickens, oh, that's so great β€” Yes, what?
Kermit Yeah, listen β€” Gonzo, do you have that list of everybody who's turned into a chicken?
Gonzo Oh, I sure do, Kermit. Right β€” right here.
Kermit Okay, let's see.
Gonzo Well, so far it's uh, Scooter, Animal, Fozzie, Floyd, Janice, Lew Zealand...
One chicken comes between them.
Kermit Will you get out of here, chicken.
321 piggy chicken.jpg
Miss Piggy Oh yeah? Chicken this! Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him and walks away. He gets up.
Kermit Uh β€” you wanna add one more name to that list? (faints)

Veterinarian's Hospital

Miss Piggy, now a chicken, enters the operating room. Rowlf and Janice are also chickens.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.
Miss Piggy Cluck, cluck.
Announcer The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf More like a dog that's gone to the quacks. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice Oh, fer sure.
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, chickens do not quack.
Rowlf They do when they're young.
Miss Piggy They do?
Rowlf Sure. If you drop an egg, it'll quack. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice Oh, wow. Dr. Bob, are you ready for the first patient?
Rowlf No, I'm ready for the second patient.
Janice Well, what's the matter with the first patient?
Rowlf I don't know. That's why I want the second patient.(laughs with Piggy)
Janice Ohh, rully. (brings in another chicken) Here β€” here she is, Dr. Bob.
Miss Piggy Oh, no! Another chicken.
Rowlf Yeah, if they keep bringing in chickens, we're going to be here twenty-four hours.
Miss Piggy What do you mean?
Rowlf We'll have to work around the cluck. (laughs with Piggy)
Miss Piggy Ha! The cluck!
Janice Oh, rully.
Announcer And so, we come to the end of anotherVeterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
321 vets hospital.jpg
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, shall we give the chicken a transfusion?
Rowlf No, that won't do.
Janice Well β€” what will do?
Rowlf Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Janice Oh, rully. Fer sure.
The chickens all laugh and flap as the closing music plays.
Statler These chickens sure make for a different show.
Waldorf Yeah. But it'll all add up to the same old turkey.
Statler & Waldorf (laugh) Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble. (laugh)

Roger's medley

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, sorry about all this stuff, but some very strange things have been going on tonight, ladies and gentlemen, but I think everything is now under control as we once again present our very special guest... Ah... Ah...
He sneezes and turns into a chicken with a green collar.
Kermit Oh no β€” oh, darn. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller.
321 medley.jpg
Roger Miller sings a medley of songs with the chicken-ized Muppets, starting with "You Had a Do Wacka Do".
Roger One night, for no particular reason, I wrote this little song … ahem …
He continues with "Dang Me".
Rooster (FO) One more time!
Chickens (clucking in rhythm)
Roger (continues song) … One more time.
Chickens (clucking in rhythm)
He continues with "My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died".
Roger For those of you who just might happen to be into buffaloes …
He concludes with "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd". Applause.


Kermit (still a chicken) Okay, well, we've just about reached the end of our show, and I must say it has been a "fowl" one. Ahem. But, before we go, this is Kermit the Chicken asking for one last round of applause for our guest star, Mr. Roger Miller! Yaaaay!
Applause as he comes out.
Roger Thank you. Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, Kermit, you have turned into a chicken, haven't you?
321 closing.jpg
Kermit Oh, it is so humiliating, Roger. Everybody has.
Roger You know... You know what it is? I think you have cluckitis.
Kermit What?! You've heard of cluckitis?
Roger Oh, I had it one time. But it's nothing really for you to worry about, Kermit. Because, in a few days, it'll go, it'll go away and you'll be just like you always were.
Gonzo (WHOOSH!) But until then, you'll look great!
Kermit Gonzo! Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Roger laughs. The credits roll. The orchestra has been replaced with chickens for the closing theme. Statler and Waldorf, on the other hand, have turned into possums.
Waldorf I bet you were expecting chickens!
Statler Woof, woof, woof!
Statler & Waldorf (laugh)
Waldorf Woof, woof.
Statler Woof, woof.
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