The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 321: Roger Miller.
Cold open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Miller! Yaaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Waldorf | Don't look now, but I think there's penguins among us. |
Butterflies fly out of Gonzo's horn. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hey, we're going to do it again. Here we are and welcome to it, it is The Muppet Show. I'm Kermit the Frog, and our special guest star is the one and only, sure to please or guarantee your money back, Mr. Roger Miller. But first... But first, I ask you to picture life aboard the Mayflower, as it sailed for the New World in 1620. What must it have been like? Uh, probably not like this. |
Open on the open sea, where the Mayflower floats. | |
Voice (DG) | Hey, this is terrible. |
Voice (JN) | Take heart, my friend. |
Voice (DG) | Take heart? Sixty-six days we've been on this terrible boat. Where're we going? |
Voice (JN) | Where're we going? I'll tell you where we're going. |
Voice (DG) | Tell us! |
A gang of Pilgrim penguins sing "Alabamy Bound" and tap-dance. One penguin looks through a telescope at car-shaped islands. | |
Penguin (RH) | Land ho! We've arrived in the new world! It's Plymouth Rock. And look over there, Ford Rock and Chevrolet Rock! It's the promised land! |
Penguins | We're Alabamy bound! |
Some penguins start leaping off the ship. Applause. | |
Waldorf | You know, I thought the Pilgrim fathers were against show business. |
Statler | They were against entertainment. This doesn't count. |
They chuckle. |
Backstage[]
"In the Summertime"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare. | |
Kermit | Oh, boy. It looks like it'll be one of those evenings. But if we're lucky, it'll be one of these evenings! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the King of the Road, Mr. Roger Miller! Yaaaay! |
Roger Miller sings "In the Summertime" amidst a patch of music playing watermelons. | |
Roger | Marvelous. Thank you all. It was so lovely. |
Statler | Arthur! Arthur! |
Waldorf | Don't you mean "Author, author"? |
Statler | His name's Arthur. Arthur Miller. |
Waldorf | No, it's Roger Miller. |
Statler | Oh. |
Statler & Waldorf | Roger! Roger! |
Backstage[]
Bear on Patrol[]
Backstage[]
"Hat"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | Uh, Roger Miller has written a number of songs with a delightful nuttiness that seems particularly appropriate to our show. Here he is with one of them, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller. |
Roger and three Whatnots sing "Hat." The Whatnots sneeze and turn into chickens. |
UK spot[]
Muppets in a bar sing "Down at the Old Bull and Bush." A cow enters at the end to chase them all away. |
Dressing room[]
Roger | (singing) Rawhide … |
A knock on the door. | |
Roger | Come in. |
Kermit | Uh, excuse me, Roger. Are you busy? |
Roger | Oh, no, Kermit, come on in. |
Kermit | Well, you know, I'm sorry I haven't had more time to talk to you, but uh, things have been a little hectic around here today. |
Roger | Oh, I understand. How's the show going, really? |
Kermit | (stammers) Uh … fine. Fine. |
Roger | Oh? Any problems? |
Kermit | No, no... Smoothest show ever. |
Roger | Good. Glad to hear it. |
Kermit | We're looking forward to your final number. |
Roger | Oh, good. I only hope I don't turn chicken before I do it. |
Kermit | What? What? Why!? |
Roger | Oh, I just mean stage nerves. You know, I always get them. |
Kermit | Oh, oh, good. |
Roger | Good? |
Kermit | Well, I mean, good that a big star like you, uh, uh, still gets chickens — I mean, butterflies! |
Lew Zealand | (a chicken) Hey, Kermit, hee-hee, you'll never guess what happened. (giggles) |
Roger | Wait a minute. I recognize that voice. Isn't — isn't that Lew Zealand? |
Kermit | Uh, uh... No. |
Lew Zealand | Yeah! |
Roger | That chicken suit really looks convincing. |
Lew Zealand | Oh, glad you like it. Hee-hee-hee. |
Roger | Golly. Say, tell me something, Lew, are you still, uh, doing that, what you call the boomerang, uh, the fish... boomerang fish act, is what it is. |
Lew Zealand | Oh, yeah, sure, but I've had to make a couple of changes. |
Roger | What kind of changes? |
Lew Zealand | Well, I'm calling it Lew Zealand and his Boomerang Egg Act. |
Roger | I see. How's it go? |
Lew Zealand | Yeah, you see, I throw the eggs away... |
He tosses three eggs, and several eggs are thrown back at him. Kermit and Roger try to dodge them. Kermit exits. | |
Roger | I gotta say it. These are the yolks, folks. |
Lew Zealand | Eggs-actly. |
They both laugh. Roger hugs Lew. |
"Pop Goes the Weasel"[]
Rowlf the Dog plays "Pop Goes the Weasel." Just before the weasel "pops," Rowlf sneezes and turns into a chicken. |
Backstage[]
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Roger's medley[]
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | Uh, sorry about all this stuff, but some very strange things have been going on tonight, ladies and gentlemen, but I think everything is now under control as we once again present our very special guest... Ah... Ah... |
He sneezes and turns into a chicken with a green collar. | |
Kermit | Oh no — oh, darn. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Roger Miller. |
Roger Miller sings a medley of songs with the chicken-ized Muppets, starting with "You Had a Do Wacka Do". | |
Roger | One night, for no particular reason, I wrote this little song … ahem … |
He continues with "Dang Me". | |
Rooster (FO) | One more time! |
Chickens | (clucking in rhythm) |
Roger | (continues song) … One more time. |
Chickens | (clucking in rhythm) |
He continues with "My Uncle Used to Love Me But She Died". | |
Roger | For those of you who just might happen to be into buffaloes … |
He concludes with "You Can't Rollerskate in a Buffalo Herd". Applause. |