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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 322: Roy Rogers & Dale Evans.

Cold open

The dressing room has been renovated to give it a look of the old West. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Roy Rogers and Dale Evans! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Roy and Dale!
Dale Thank you, Scooter.
Roy Hey, Scooter, what's this target doing here?
Scooter Oh, well, we thought you'd feel more at home on the range.
Missiles start exploding around them. They face the camera and grin.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Patron Are these seats taken?
Statler & Waldorf No! Take 'em! (they chuckle)
When Gonzo blows his horn, it sounds like a horse's whinny.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters dressed as a cowboy.
322 kermit.jpg
Kermit Yahoo and howdy! And welcome to the Muppet cowboy show, with tonight's stars, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. And it's not only my hat that's a tribute to the wild wooly west. There's also my wild wooly vest. (giggles)
Cowboy (RH) Are those your jokes?
Kermit Yes, sir.
Cowboy (RH) Well, get 'em off my land before you scare the horses.
Kermit Yes sir, yes sir. Uh, we're, we're just about to do the opening number. Ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the opening number.
The Prairie Dogs sing "Blue Skies."
Waldorf How'd you like that song by those prairie dogs?
Statler Now there's a number I could go-fer.
They chuckle.
Statler Gopher! Prairie dog!


The prairie dogs pass by Kermit. One of them steals a paper from Kermit's desk.
Kermit OK, nice number, prairie dogs. Nice number. I liked what I saw and I liked what I heard.
A herd of cows appears behind Kermit.
Scooter Speaking of herd, boss, look what just showed up.
Kermit Hey, who's responsible for these crummy cows?
Cowboy (JN) Some fella by the name of Rogers ordered 'em, shorty.
Kermit Hah, Rogers, Roy. Well, uh... uh, the little darlings are always welcome.
The cowboy moseys off.
Scooter Roy said he wanted something special for the closing number.
Kermit Oh. Speaking of that, I have to introduce his opening number.
Scooter Oh, yeah. (exits)
Fozzie Kermit?
Kermit Yeah?
Fozzie Uh, what uh… what are these cows here for?
Kermit Well, they're apparently for Roy and Dale's closing number.
Fozzie (snickers) Uh, ay, what are they singing, uh … "Catch a Falling Steer"? Aaahhhh! Or "If Heifer I Should Leave You"? Aaahhhh!
The cows laugh.
Kermit Stop, stop, stop, stop! I can take the cows, but not the cow jokes! Whoo! (exits)
Fozzie What about the "Moooooo-n River? Aaahhhh!
The cows laugh.

"Skyball Paint"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit OK, well, it's not often that things get any better around here. So, brace yourselves for things to get positively grand right now, because ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the king of the cowboys, Roy Rogers!
The curtain opens on a ranch setting. Roy and a bunch of cowboys, including Beauregard, are gathered around.
Roy Now this is a story about one of the roughest, toughest, meanest buckin' horses that ever jumped out of a chute, by the name of old Skyball Paint.
One of them plays the guitar as Roy sings "Skyball Paint." Beauregard joins on the harmonica.
Statler That Roy Rogers is one good singer.
Waldorf Yep, but it he does any of those rope tricks, I'm leaving.
He is lassoed out of the balcony.
Statler Bye! (laughs)


Link examines a brand mark on one of the cattle. Floyd makes his way through the herd.
Floyd Move it out, Bossie, move it out. Hey, Link, what are you doing hanging out backstage?
Link Hogthrob (forlorn) Oh, those nasty cowboys threw me out of my dressing room.
Floyd No kidding.
Link Hogthrob They just barged in.
Floyd (shakes his head) Well, tell them to move it out. Get tough with them, Linky, babe.
Link Hogthrob I tried.
He reveals the same brand mark on his cheek.

Muppet Sports

The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger Howdy, sports fans, and welcome to the Wild World of Muppet Sports. And you're just in time for the deciding throw in the horseshoe pitch. As usual, I'm here on the spot.
WHAM! A horse lands on him.
Cowpoke (RH) Awww! (guffaws) I forgot to take the horseshoes off the horse! (guffaws) Am I stupid!
Waldorf Let's put this show out of its misery.
They fire pistols and chuckle.

"Deep in the Heart of Texas"

Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, not only is the king of cowboys with us, but his lady is with us, too. Here she is, Miss Dale Evans.
Open on the ranch. Dale gets ready to sing with Bobby Benson's Baby Band. A backup trio plays behind them, including Benson.
Dale Now, we're rehearsed, aren't we? OK, do you think you can remember where to come in? You can, of course you can. Come in on the beat of the music clapping with me. OK, let's begin. All right.
Dale & babies

The stars at night are big and bright,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
The prairie sky is wide and high,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!

Dale Well, you're not exactly the Sons of the Pioneers … but you get the rhythm.
Dale & babies

The sage in bloom is like perfume,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!
It reminds me of the one I love,
(clap clap clap clap)
Deep in the heart of Texas!

Dale You know, children, that's just great. Let's do this again, but let's change it, OK? Suppose instead of clapping, we make a sound like what I'm singing about. You think you can do that? We'll start first with a coyote.
Baby What's a coyote?
Dale Well, kind of like a dog. You'll hear it. Now, listen real carefully.

The coyote's wail along the trail,

Babies Ow-ow-ow-owwwwww…

Deep in the heart of Texas!
The horses all neigh and they munch their hay.

Babies (neighing)

Deep in the heart of Texas!
The cowboys cry, "Ki-yipee-yipee-yi!"

Babies Yip-yip-yeah!

Deep in the heart of Texas!
The dogies bawl, and bawl and bawl …

Babies (crying)
Dale Oh, oh, I didn't mean you to bawl, dear. Oh, honey, no. No, no, like this. "Ahh." Like that. No, no, OK. Aw, you're so cute. Honestly, I'd just love to adopt every one one of you and take you home with me to Texas.
Baby What's a Texas?
Dale What's a Texas! Well!
Dale & babies

Deep in the heart … (Deep in the heart)
Deep in the heart … (Deep in the heart)
Deep in the heart of Texas!


UK spot

Two cowboys (played by Jim and Jerry) ride cows.
Jim You know, Tex, I love the life out here.
Jerry Oh, yes, I love the desert and I love the mountains.
Jim Mm. Yep. But most of all, I love these hosses.
Cows (mooing)
Jim & Jerry

A four-legged friend, a four-legged friend,
He'll never let you down, let you down.
He's honest and faithful right up to the end,
That wonderful one, two, three, four-legged friend.

Jim Whoa. Whoa, now.
Jerry Whoa, there. You know, I thought we'd be there by now.
Jim Yeah, but remember we had to stop and water these hosses.
Jerry That's right. Then we had to stop and milk 'em.
Cows (mooing)
Jim Something about this life don't seem right. … Whoa, whoa, easy.
Jim & Jerry

A four-legged friend, a four-legged friend,
He'll never let you down, let you down.
He's honest and faithful right up to the end,
That wonderful one, two, three, four-legged friend.

Jerry Hold up. Easy, boy.
Jim (riding backwards) Hey, look at this, trick riding!
Jerry Yep, say, that's pretty good. How about this? Speak, Bossie.
She moos.
Jim We'd be lost without these hosses, you know.
Jerry Oh, I'll say, we would.
Jim I wonder why they call us cowboys.
Jim & Jerry

A four-legged friend, a four-legged friend,
He'll never let you down, let you down.
He's honest and faithful right up to the end,
That wonderful one, two, three, four-legged friend.
Ho! Bossie, come on. Hey!

Bear on Patrol

The opening montage plays.
Announcer And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Sheriff Link plays with the stamps. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff! Oh, no! Sheriff, Sheriff. Bullets Barker is back in town and he is a-gunnin' for you.
Link Hogthrob (cowers) No!
Fozzie Yes!
Dramatic sting.
Link Hogthrob You know, I have some sick leave coming. I think I might just um…
Gunshots are heard. Items shatter, including a lamp, a bottle and a phone. A voice is heard...
Bullets Barker Sheriff, this here's Bullets Barker. (dramatic sting) I'm a-gonna count to three. And if you're not out by then, I'm a-coming in to... (dramatic sting) ... get you. One…
Fozzie and Link scramble.
Fozzie Oh, hide! Hide! In the closet! No, not the closet. Over here!
Bullets Barker …two...
Fozzie The g- no, not the — the desk! Under the desk!
Bullets Barker ...three!
Fozzie (turns and aims) Ha!
Barker enters.
Bullets Barker All right. Where is he?
Fozzie Ahh. Uh, outside. Can't miss him.
Bullets Barker gun to Fozzie.jpg
Bullets Barker I don't plan to... (dramatic sting) …miss him.
He shoots a picture of Link on the wall, then twirls his pistol and blows it.
Fozzie Oh, that was — (blows it) — very, very good. Very good. Terrific. Oh, boy. Uh...
Bullets Barker Well, lookit, I think I'm-a just gonna sit down here and wait till the sheriff comes... (dramatic sting) back.
Link bites his nails under the table.
Fozzie Would you like some tea, or milk, cookies...
Bullets Barker Shut up.
Fozzie Yes, sir. Yes. Thank you, sir, yes.
Bullets Barker Heh. Looks like he left his gun here.
Fozzie Huh. He never goes anyplace without his gun.
Bullets Barker What?
Fozzie (facepalm) Ha! Oh! (under the table) I'm so sorry, sir, I…
Link punches him in the face.
Bullets Barker What was that?
Fozzie Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Bullets Barker So, he must still be... (dramatic sting) …here.
Fozzie Uh, no, no. (gets in front of the jail cell) Uh, he is not here.
Bullets Barker I should've knowed it! Open that door!
Fozzie Yes, sir. (opens the door)
Bullets Barker All right, I'm coming in to get you, Sheriff.
Fozzie shuts the cell door, locking in Barker.
Fozzie Ah-ha! I did it! I did it! Sir, he's gone. I did it. He's up there. He's locked up and it's OK. C'mon.
Link Hogthrob Ahh. Ohh. Who cares about that? If I can't use this hand anymore, my sheriff days are over. Hand me my piece.
Fozzie Yes, sir. (picks up the pistol)
Link Hogthrob Not that one.
He picks up his stamp and starts stamping.
Link Hogthrob Ha! Yeah, I haven't lost it. I'm still the fastest stamp in the west.
Fozzie facepalms again while Link stamps away.

Dressing room

Roy (singing)

Froggie went a-courtin' and he did ride,
A sword and a pistol by his side,

Kermit Mm-hmm.
Roy Mm-hmm.
Kermit Mm-hmm. Hey, Roy, you know, it sure is nice having you and Dale with us.
Roy Oh, we're just having a great time, Kermit.
Kermit You don't think our show is a little weird?
Roy Well, it is a little weird, but we're still having a great time.
Kermit Oh, good. You know, there, there's something I've always wanted to ask you, 'cause I know you've made a lot of films.
Roy A hundred and eighty-nine.
Kermit Ah. You know, I've only made one.
Roy One?
Kermit Yeah. A hundred and eighty-eight to go.
Roy (chuckles)
Kermit Hey, but, in any of those films, did you ever play a bad guy?
Roy No, I never did.
Kermit How come? Didn't think you'd look good wearing a black hat?
Roy No, the main reason, that the bad guy never gets to sing.
Kermit Ah. That's right, they never do.
Roy Can you imagine a bad guy stopping a stagecoach, tying up the passengers, taking all their money, and then singing, Happy trails to you?
Kermit And you know something else, I can't imagine under any circumstances a bad guy yodeling. Matter of fact, you do a lot of yodeling, don't you, Roy?
Roy Yes, I do. In fact, I invented some of the yodels I do in my songs.
Kermit No kidding.
Roy Mm-hmm.
Kermit Somebody told me the only reason you yodel is because you forgot the words of the song.
Roy You know how right they were. (they laugh) But who told you that?
Kermit Uh, some guy in a black hat. Hey, but I agree, yodeling does look like it's fun. Hey, could you show me how to do it?
Roy Sure, it's easy.
Kermit Yeah?
Roy Just repeat after me.
Kermit Yeah?
Roy does a few short yodels, which Kermit repeats. He then does a long one.
Kermit Uh... Well, um, I'll see you later, Roy.
Roy Where you going?
Kermit I'm going to buy a black hat.
He exits. Roy grins. Applause.

Skyball Paint part 2

Open on a horse race track. The racers take their positions.
Announcer And now, out of chute number three...
Beauregard walks up to chute #2 and points to it.
Announcer Chute number three! … Slim Wilson riding old Skyball Paint.
Slim Wilson Ho, boy.
Announcer Go get 'em, Slim.
Slim Wilson YAAAA-HOOO!
Beauregard opens the gate and lets them out. Skyball Paint makes it out of the gate, but Slim doesn't. Beau shuts the gate.
Statler OK, partner. I want to see you dance. Now, dance.
He shoots a pistol at Waldorf's feet, making him dance.
Statler Dance! Dance! … Why, that's beautiful. You think I can dance like that?
Waldorf Well, of course.
Statler shoots his own feet repeatedly.
Statler Oh! Oh, my foot! Ow! Oh!
Waldorf (chuckles)


Fozzie plays to the herd of cows, who all laugh at his jokes.
Fozzie But seriously, you cows are an udder delight. Ahh! I mean, you don't know the hoof of it. Ahh! Hey, Kermit, Kermit! This bunch of cows loves me. I'm a hit.
Kermit Uh, not bunch, herd.
Fozzie Uh, heard of what?
Kermit Herd of cows.
Fozzie Sure, I heard of cows. Ahh!
Kermit No, I mean the cows' herd.
Fozzie Of course, they heard. I was talking right to them. Ahh! Oh, these are my people!
Kermit Uh, yeah, but uh, right now they're needed on stage for the final production number.
Fozzie But, but...
Cowboy (JN) All right! Round 'em up, move 'em out.
He starts shooting in the air, driving the cattle towards the stage.
Fozzie Whoa. Whoa!
Cowboy (JN) Come on now, dogies, move it.
Cowboy (RH) Move it out, move it.
Fozzie Wait a minute. I was having fun...
Kermit Well, that's one of the things you had to watch out for in the old west.
Fozzie What's that?
Kermit Audience rustlers.
He giggles, then rushes on stage to a fanfare.

Roy & Dale's medley

Kermit Okay. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.
The curtain opens on a campfire at night. Roy and Dale, joined by Muppet cowboys, sing a medley of songs, including "Hazy Mountains," "Allá en el Rancho Grande" …
Dale (during "Rancho Grande") Who do you think you are, Gene Autry?
The lobster banditos and a Mexican Whatnot join them briefly during "Rancho Grande".
They continue the medley with "Tumbling Tumbleweeds," and "Happy Trails." Applause.


Kermit OK, well, buckaroos, we've come to the part where we have to say good-bye. I really hate to do it, 'cause sitting round the campfire with us have been two of America's legends, ladies and gentlemen, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. Yaaaay!
Dale Kermit, we've had a wonderful time.
Kermit Oh, I'm glad. Listen, Roy, at this point, I usually say good night to everybody, but, tonight, I'd appreciate it if you said it your way.
Roy Well, I'd be glad to, Kermit. (addresses the viewer) Until we meet again, on the screen or in person, good-bye, good luck and may the good Lord take a likin' to you.
Kermit That's it.
The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
Cow Moo.
Statler No, "boo!"
Cow Boo.
Waldorf Hooray!
Cow Hooray.
They chuckle.