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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 323: Lynn Redgrave.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peeks in.
Scooter Lynn Redgrave! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Miss Redgrave.
Lynn Oh, thank you very much, Scooter. You know, I think it's absolutely wonderful that, instead of doing the regular show tonight, you're going to be doing the story of Robin Hood.
Scooter Yeah, the rehearsals went great. But there's just one scene that needs a little more work.
Lynn Oh, which one?
THUNK! An arrow lands on the desk, inches away from her.
Lynn Uh, let me guess. The archery contest?
An archer appears.
Archer Excuse me, did you see a pointy thing go by?
Lynn smirks.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lynn Redgrave! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
THUNK! An arrow lands on the wall, inches from Beauregard and other jesters.
Beauregard Say, that was good!
When Gonzo blows his horn, he is interrupted by a fanfare.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit appears in costume.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show, in which we are going to spend the entire program doing a unique production of Robin Hood. It's gonna be very terrific because our guest is one of the great ladies of stage and screen, Miss Lynn Redgrave. And so, without further ado, or a-don't... ahem. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Muppet players with Lynn Redgrave proudly present Robin Hood.
Open on Sherwood Forest. The rest of the merry men stand still as Alan-a-Dale takes the stage and strums his lute.

I wish you all a fond hello.
My name is Alan-a-Dale.
My hope is that we entertain
With this, our evening's tale.
In Sherwood Forest, dark and deep,
Dwells Robin Hood in sooth.
An outlaw and his Merry Men —
They're living fast and looth.

Fozzie "Fast and looth?"
Scooter Come on, give me a break. I'm usually the go-fer around here.
Fozzie Time to cavort!
Scooter Cavort! Cavort!
The jaunty music resumes, as the merry men cavort, including the Swedish Chef, Lew Zealand, Beaker, and assorted frogs and Whatnots. Two merry men carry a wild boar on a spit, but within seconds, the tables have turned.
Merry man Ow! Ow! Ow! Let me go!
As the merry men cavort, the boars pass by Floyd, watching from the wings.
Scooter So how's it going?
Floyd Oh, well, looks a little bit like feeding time on the freaky farm. (laughs)
Scooter Uh, well, I'm stage managing tonight since Kermit's in the show. Uh, could you help me move some scenery?
Floyd Oh, I'm sorry, Scoots. I'd love to, but I'm on strike.
Scooter On strike? Well, why?
Floyd Well, I don't dig all this Robin Hood jazz. I prefer things more hip and less green. (laughs, ankles away)
Scooter Great. More hip and less green. Now what am I gonna do? (notices Beauregard) Hey, Bo?
Beauregard Yes, sir?
Scooter Could you move that scenery?
Beauregard Yes. Right now.
He pushes the screen, knocking it over Scooter.
Beauregard That was an easy job.
Meanwhile, in the forest, the revelry continues.
Fozzie Cavort, cavort, cavort... Hey, hey, hey, hold it. Prithee, prithee, hey, cooleth it.
The music stops.
Merry man (DG) Oh, what is it, Little John?
Fozzie Wha — you guys are not cavorting right. This is the proper way to cavort. Ahem. (demonstrates) Cavort, cavort, cavort, cavort... You got that? Cavort — like that? You got it?
Merry men No.
Fozzie Well, you better practice 'cause Robin Hood will be here any minute now.
He ducks, as an arrow with a note hits the tree.
Merry man (SW) It's a note from Robin Hood.
Fozzie What does it say?
Merry man (SW) "I'll be here any minute now."
Fozzie What did I tell you?
Two merry men play a horn fanfare. Kermit emerges.
Kermit Hi-ho, Little John.
Fozzie Hi-ho, Robin Hood.
Kermit Hi-ho, Merry Men.
Merry men Hi-ho, Robin Hood.
Kermit Well rehearsed. Well rehearsed.
Fozzie Thank you very much.
Kermit Hey, the fair Maid Marian will be here and the place looks a mess. What have you been doing?
Fozzie Oh, well, you see, uh...
Kermit Cavorting, right?
Fozzie Well, cavorting wrong, actually.
Another fanfare is played to welcome Lynn. Kermit kisses her hand.
Kermit Oh, fair Maid Marian.
Lynn Oh, good Robin Hood.
Kermit Didst thou have a pleasant journey?
Lynn Oh, aye, aye. Forsooth. But methinks I was followed by the wicked Sheriff of Nottingham's men.
Muppets (gasp) Egads!
Kermit We haven't got much time then. Little John?
Fozzie Yes?
Kermit Tell the men to prepare.
Fozzie Yes, sir. L— Prepare what?
Kermit To cavort!
The music resumes.
Fozzie Cavorting! Cavort, cavort...
Lynn & Muppets

Hooray! Hooray! It's such a lovely day!
Singing, hey, down, merry down down,
Fol-rol-riddle-rol, hey nonny no!
With a dum, dum, diddle dum, dum dum diddle dum,
Hey down merry down down!

They all cavort.
Lynn & Muppets

Singing, hey, down, merry down down,
Fol-rol-riddle-rol, hey nonny no!


With a dum, dum, diddle dum, dum dum diddle dum…

Two pig guards capture Lynn and escort her away.
Lynn (shrieks) Robin, help!
Pig guard (FO) To the dungeons. Come on, walk.
Muppets (finishing up) Hey down merry down down!
Applause. Fozzie bows.
Fozzie Thank you.
Kermit Hey, where's Marian? Marian?
Fozzie Marian?
Merry men Marian! Marian? Maid Marian! Marian?
Statler Well, I've seen a lot of versions of Robin Hood, but none to match this one.
Waldorf How's that?
Statler The others were all good.
They chuckle.


Beauregard carries a chair.
Scooter Beau — yeah, set up the torture scene.
Beauregard Oh, the torture scene's going to be really fun.
Scooter Yeah ... (runs off)
Kermit OK, nicely — nicely cavorted, Merry Men. Nicely cavorted.
Merry man (JN) Oh, you liked the cavorting? Hey, you should see us in a full frolic.
Kermit OK, that Lynn Redgrave is wonderful as Maid Marian. Such a demanding role.
Miss Piggy Hmm, speaking of a demanding role...
Kermit Yeah?
Miss Piggy I do not have a role in this produccion. And I am demanding one.
Kermit You see, there's only one female part, that's Maid Marian. And Lynn Redgrave is playing that.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, you were not listening, dear. I said, I am demanding one!
Kermit Yeah. Well, let's see, uh... I guess there is a part here you can play.
Miss Piggy Ooh, ooh. Let's see.
Kermit It'll take a little rewriting.
Miss Piggy I can do it! I can do it!
Kermit I'm sure you'd be perfect for it.
Miss Piggy Yes, yes, what is it? Hmm? Hmm?
Kermit Well, it's, ahem… It's...
Miss Piggy Uh-huh?
Kermit Sister Tuck.
A beat.
Miss Piggy Sister Tuck?
Kermit Yeah, well, you — you couldn't play Friar Tuck.
Miss Piggy Sister Tuck?!
Scooter Torture scene on next. On stage for the torture scene.
Miss Piggy You want torture, I'll give you torture! Hi-YAH!
She swipes at Kermit. He ducks.
Miss Piggy Where are you?
Kermit Piggy, let me explain.
Miss Piggy Sister Tuck?!? Sister Tuck?!?
She chases after him.

Sheriff of Nottingham

The curtain opens on the torture chamber. Gonzo, the Sheriff of Nottingham, awaits.
Gonzo Bring in the prisoner.
Sweetums escorts a yelping Lynn into the room.
Sweetums Move it. That's right, move it. Move it. Please move it. Get up there, OK. Um, here she is.
Gonzo Ah, Maid Marian, you are now a dungeon guest of the Sheriff of Nottingham. (cackling)
Jarring chord.
Lynn (faints) Oh, no, not the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Sweetums (catches her) Oh, no, no, that's the Great Gonzo.
Lynn (elbows him) No, you fool, that's the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Sweetums Oh! Yeah, sorry, I keep forgetting it's a play. (walks off)
Gonzo I have you in my power now, my pretty.
Lynn You black-hearted villainous swine.
Gonzo Oh, you silver-tongued flatterer.
Lynn I demand to be set free.
Gonzo Not until you tell me the exact location of Robin Hood's hideout.
Lynn I'll never tell you. Never!
Gonzo That's terrific.
Lynn Thank you.
Gonzo And now it's torture time.
Jarring chord.
Lynn Just try and make me talk.
Gonzo All riiiight! We have ways of making you talk. Take these thumbscrews, for instance.
Lynn All right. What do they do?
Gonzo Well, you put your thumb in here like this. (puts his own thumb in there)
Lynn Yes.
Gonzo That's it, then you turn the little handle on top.
Lynn This way?
Gonzo No, the other way.
Lynn Sorry. (turns the wheel)
Gonzo That's better. See, when you do that, it presses the bar down on the thumb. And it's very — HEE HEE! WHOO! AHH! WHOO! OW! WOW! All right, now will you talk?
Lynn No. I'll never tell you, never.
Gonzo All right, another turn.
Lynn You know, you're wasting your time. (turns the wheel further)
Gonzo Whaaa! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! You could be right about that. Ooh, but you won't talk so bravely on the rack, my dear.
Lynn The rack? What's that?
Gonzo You'll wish you never asked.
Jarring chord. Kermit and Floyd watch from the wings.
Kermit Gonzo's tying to get himself killed.
Floyd Yeah, but he won't make it. He never succeeds at anything. (laughs) Best he can hope for is maimed. (laughs)
Gonzo is now stretched out on the rack.
Lynn Manacles secured, hand and foot, right?
Gonzo (panting) Correct. There is no escape from this pain. Ugh.
Lynn This pain here? (turns the crank)
Gonzo Whoo! Ooh! Yes! Isn't that terrific?
She turns it further, lengthening his arms.
Gonzo Come on, talk. How much more of this can you take?
She stops, having become exhausted.
Lynn Oh! Good Sheriff, I can take no more of this. I've got to go and stretch out for a nap in my dressing room. Goodbye. (exits)
Gonzo Hey, wait! Wait! We haven't even tried the boiling oil yet. Ahh! Ahh!
Jarring chords end the scene.


Scooter Torture scene over! Archery scene next! Stand by, archers and peons! (reads from a paper) "Archers and peons … Scooter" — I'm on, too!
He runs onstage. Meanwhile, Fozzie struggles with a heavy target.
Fozzie But, Scooter — oh — come on! I've got to get this out for the archery contest. Somebody give me a hand.
Gonzo You say you want a hand?
Gonzo You got one. Come on.
He and Fozzie laugh while carrying the target.

Archery scene

A fanfare plays as the curtain opens on the archery scene. Alan-a-Dale enters and sets the stage.
Scooter (strumming lute)

The day of the archery contest.
There isn't one seat left to sell.
The crowd on the green's packed as tight as sardines,
Which might also account for the smell.

The fanfare resumes. Some of the crowd boos.
Scooter (strumming lute)

Both contestants look good to the experts.

Louis Kazagger

Yes, the winner is tricky to choose.
But I'll stick my neck out and, without any doubt,
Say the other guy's certain to lose.

Scooter Is that it? Is that all you can tell us?
Louis Kazagger Well...

As our archers warm up on the track?
But, regrettably, he only gets to say...

Louis Kazagger Gee.
Scooter …when a practice shot cancels his act.
THWACK! An arrow hits Louis in the face. He faints.

Black Bart is the opening archer,
The Sheriff of Nottingham's man.
With the strength of an ox, the nerve of a fox…
And the brains of a gooseberry flan.

Black Bart shoots, hitting the outside of the target. The crowd cheers. Beauregard takes the arrow and sets it in the center.

But the Sheriff has bribed and corrupted a youth
The rules of the contest to bend.
He never heard say that crime doesn't pay…

Black Bart shoots another arrow, which lands in Beau's rump.
Scooter …but he sure gets the point in the end.
The crowd cheers. A disguised Kermit steps up.

So with Black Bart awarded a bull's-eye,
There's little poor Robin can do!
Save to trust to his luck, his nerve and his pluck …

Scooter … And split Black Bart's arrow in two!
The crowd rejoices except for Black Bart. Applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. My pleasure. Nice contest.

UK spot

Backstage, Sam addresses the audience.
Sam the Eagle Ahem. During this interval, it is my great pleasure to present the author of tonight's drama. Ladies and gentlemen … (reads from a card) … Mr. William Shakespeare.
William Delighted.
Sam the Eagle You are the William Shakespeare?
William I am a William Shakespeare, yeah.
Sam the Eagle Mr. Shakespeare, what an honor. Do you know I saw The Sound of Music at least a dozen times?
William Uh, now wai-wait just a minute. This here William Shakespeare is my nome de plume.
Sam the Eagle Your what?
William My pen name.
Sam the Eagle Then you are not the real William Shakespeare?
William Well, of course not. (his pencil falls off his ear)
Sam the Eagle Of course not! I can see that now. He was a uh, a bearded man. And you're much younger.
William And he's dead.
Sam the Eagle And he's... (slaps the table) … IS he?! Oh! I didn't know. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize.
William Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.
Sam the Eagle Tell me, did he leave a wife and children?
William Well, as far as I'm aware, he left just about everything. Including an unfinished play, Henry VIII.
Sam the Eagle That's a tragedy.
William Well, it certainly isn't a comedy.
Sam the Eagle And, by adopting his name, you hope to keep something of his legend alive.
William Yeah. Principally his royalties.
Sam the Eagle His what?
William His royalty payments.
Sam the Eagle You're good.
William Thank you.
Sam the Eagle Tell me, could you please recite a portion of his masterpieces?
William Uh, sure, but let me get an actor to do it properly, all right?
A group of merry men pass behind them. He stops the Swedish Chef.
William Hey! Hey, you! … Actor. Excuse me. You wanna read this for me, please?
He looks over a paper.
Sam the Eagle This is an actor?
Swedish Chef (reading) Tü bê ør nøt tü bê… (mock Swedish)
Sam the Eagle I didn't understand all of it, but I'm certain the English people enjoyed it. Now back to work.
The Chef crumples the paper and tosses it.
Sam the Eagle Don't litter.

"I Still Love You"

Open on Kermit and Lynn in the forest at night.
Kermit Oh, prithee, fair Maid Marian, thank you for joining me in this here fair glen here.
Lynn Oh, good Robin Hood, this was the very spot that we first met.
Kermit Yeah, verily.
Lynn Yes, and I shall always remember it. And how surprised I was to meet the famous Robin Hood.
Kermit Surprised? Uh, in what way surprised?
Lynn Um... Well, um...
Kermit I mean, uh, was it the fact that I'm a daring robber? Or, or the fact that I'm debonair and handsome?
Lynn No, it was the fact that you were a frog.
Kermit Ahem. Uh, you noticed that, huh?
Lynn Yes, well, I couldn't help noticing. Particularly since I'm not one.
He strums his lute.
Kermit Oh. Well, um, listen, Marian. Uh, don't, don't let that worry you.

Your eyes are not bulgy.
You don't live in a swamp.
You don't hop or turn somersaults.
Your feet are not webbed,
And you never eat flies.
I'm sorry to dwell on your faults.
And yet I still … love you.
I always will love you.
You shine in my mind like a dream.

She sings along.

And, yet, I still love you.
I always will love you.
Although you are not even green.


I know I'm an odd one.
I'm not like a frog.
My head is all covered with hair.
No flippers, no bulges,
No croaking, no warts.
No wonder that sometimes you stare.
And yet, if you love me…

Kermit You know that I love you.
Lynn You shine in my mind like a dream.
Kermit And so if I love you…
Lynn & Kermit

I really do love you,
Who cares if I'm/you're not even green?

The song ends. Applause.
Lynn Good Robin Hood?
Kermit Yea?
Lynn Pray, kiss me sweetly.
Kermit Ooh.
Just as they are about to kiss, enter Sister Tuck …
Miss Piggy Hello. Ahem.
Kermit Piggy!
Miss Piggy Ahem. Prithee, Robin Hood.
Kermit What?
Miss Piggy Thou art wanted in yon... thicket.
She carries him off. Lynn shrieks as she is surrounded by pig guards.
Pig guard (SW) OK, Maid Marian, to the dungeon. Move!
Lynn Oh, Robin, Robin, no!
Waldorf Hmm. What'd you think of Miss Piggy's outfit?
Statler I think she ought to kick the habit. (laughs)
Waldorf That's an old joke.
Statler So are you. (laughs)


The pig guards have locked Lynn in her dressing room. Kermit is noticeably upset with Piggy.
Kermit Miss Piggy, I want to talk to you!
Miss Piggy Oh. You mean, you wish an audience with Sister Tuck?
Kermit (sigh) No, I want to talk to you. I want to know what you did with Lynn.
Miss Piggy Ah-ah-ah — remember, blessed are the meek.
Kermit What did you do with her?
Miss Piggy Meeker.
Kermit (sigh) (meek voice) Uh, what did you do with her?
Miss Piggy Oh, that's nice. She is in yonder dressing room. She's OK.
Kermit Yeah, but uh, the big dungeon scene is coming up next. I'll go tell her.
Miss Piggy (blocks him) No, no, um... I should tell her. It is the least that moi can do.
Scooter Town crier on stage.
Fozzie Uh, Scooter, Scooter, the town crier is on stage, but he can't go on.
Scooter Why not?
Fozzie He lost his onion. Ahh! See, the onion makes him cry, and...
Scooter Will you get out of here?!
Fozzie I wrote that myself.
Scooter Will you get out of here?!
Fozzie Yes sir, yes sir.

Muppet newsflash

The Newsman, aka the town crier, rings his bell. A dog barks beside him.
Newsman Five o'clock and all's well. Five o'clock and all's well. Except that Maid Marian has been kidnapped, the sheriff's up to no good, that dog is stealing cheese, Kermit's mad at Piggy and it's really only 4:30.
KONK! A flowerpot falls on his head.

To the rescue

Jarring chords play to establish the dungeon scene.
323 guards.jpg
Pig guard (SW) So, how goes the night?
Pig guard (JN) 'Tis dark but still.
Pig guard (SW) Still what?
Pig guard (JN) Still dark.
They chuckle, as Kermit and the merry men slip past them.
Pig guard (SW) That's a good one. Yeah. Our prisoner, Maid Marian, is safe.
Pig guard (JN) Yes.
Pig guard (SW) Yeah.
Kermit Yoo-hoo.
Pig guard (JN) Hark! A noise.
Pig guard (SW) What?
Kermit (sneaks up behind them) Ah-ha!
He knocks down the first pig guard with a stick, then spars with the second.
Kermit Ah-ha! Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you again with my quarterstaff.
Pig guard (JN) That's a cheap weapon. Mine cost fifty cents.
Kermit That's a cheap joke. You'll pay for that!
They begin sparring.
Kermit Float like a butterfly, sting like a frog!
Kermit lets him have it. The merry men rejoice.
Fozzie All right, Kermit! Robin Hood, I mean. Yes! Oh, sir, Robin Hood, thou did smite him mightily on the pâté.
Merry man (RH) Uh, I believe that's pate.
Fozzie I'm sorry. Kermit, I'm sorry.
Kermit Yes, but uh, good men of Sherwood Forest, we must now sneak away and rescue the Maid Marian.
Fozzie Sneak and rescue!
Merry men (random) Sneak away! Yeah!
Kermit Wait! Wait, men! We must go hushily.
Merry men (random) Oh, hushily. Hush. Shh. Shh.
They approach a shadowed chair with someone tied to it.
Kermit Ooh. Hark, it is the beautiful Maid Marian. Lights.
The lights come up. It's …
Kermit (gasp) Piggy!
Miss Piggy Oh, Robin Hood, I am save'd. (swoons)
Kermit Piggy, where's Lynn Redgrave?
Miss Piggy Um... stage fright. She won't come out of her dressing room. I thought it best if I took over her part. (continues swooning)
Kermit Piggy? Stage fright? Stage fright?
Miss Piggy (sheepish) Well — also... her dressing room door became sort of stuck.
Kermit Stuck? Quick, my merry men, to the rescue! To the dressing room! Come on, let's go! Ho, and away we go!
They all exit, leaving Piggy still tied to the chair.
Miss Piggy Hold it, wait! It's me. I'm stuck here. Hey, come on. Help! Police!
Gonzo Will the sheriff do?
Miss Piggy What?
He sits on her lap.
Gonzo Kissy, kissy.
He starts kissing her all over. She screams.
Meanwhile, two more pigs guard the dressing room.
Pig guard (RH) How goes it?
Pig guard (DG) Strange. Strange but still.
Pig guard (RH) Still what?
Pig guard (DG) Still strange.
They chuckle.
Pig guard (RH) Our prisoner, Lynn Redgrave, is safe.
She screams from inside the room.
Pig guard (DG) And loud.
Pig guard (RH) (nods) Hmm.
Lynn Someone help me! I'm supposed to be on stage! Help!
Kermit slinks by.
Kermit Knock-knock.
Pig guard (RH) Who's there?
BONK! Kermit knocks him down. The other one cowers.
Kermit Ah-ha! Stand fast, good sir. Move not, lest I strike thee also with my quarterstaff.
Pig guard (DG) Ha! Mine cost a buck ninety-five.
They begin sparring.
Pig guard (DG) Ooh, ow! Ooh, a swordfight. Yes. I'll hit you.
Kermit Wait a minute. Tickle tickle tickle.
Pig guard (DG) (laughs)
BONK! Kermit knocks him down.
Kermit Come, Merry Men, to the rescue!
Merry men Hooray! To the rescue! Come on!
Kermit opens the door and they enter the dressing room, finding Lynn tied to a chair.
Kermit What ho, Maid Marian. Victory is ours.
Lynn Oh, Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
They all free her, then start singing.
Lynn & Muppets Hooray! Hooray!
Lynn My Robin saved the day!
Lynn & Muppets

Singing, hey, down, merry down down,
Fol-rol-riddle-rol, hey nonny no!
With a dum, dum, diddle dum, dum dum diddle dum—

Lynn Quiet! Shh! Listen, listen, shh. Kermit, listen, shouldn't we be doing this on the stage?
Kermit On the stage? You're right. Quick, Merry Men, to the stage!
They all make their way downstairs.
Fozzie To the forest, here we go.
Scooter To the forest! To the forest!
Lynn Come quickly. Come, Robin. Come, Merry Men, to the greensward.
Merry men To the greensward! To the greensward!
They all make it to the greensward, cheering.
Kermit We won!
Lynn We won!
Lynn & Muppets And now our play is done!
Kermit Our fair maid has been from from the fort…
Lynn By my brave little prince of the wart!
Gonzo (still in the dungeon) Now there's naught to do but resort…
Lynn & Muppets

To a feisty old cavort!
Singing, hey, down, merry down down,
Fol-rol-riddle-rol, hey nonny no!
With the most sensational, cavort-ational
Inspirational, Muppetational
Tale of Robin Hood!

Applause. They all take a bow. Gonzo and the pig guards join them.


Lynn Kermit, this has been a most unique theatrical experience.
Kermit Oh, thank you. We can take that as a compliment?
Lynn Um...
Kermit Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
They all gather as the credits roll.
Lynn Bye.
Miss Piggy Kissy kissy. Kissy kissy.
Scooter Miss Piggy, excuse me. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. It was nice to be here. Thank you. Yes, I played all 36 of them. Thank you. Thank you, Lynn. Thank you very much, all the helpers. Thank you, all the little people back there. Thank you, Lynn. Thank you, Uncle J.P.
Statler The legend of Robin Hood will never die.
Waldorf No, but it sure got wounded pretty bad tonight.
They chuckle.