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Jarring chords play to establish the dungeon scene.
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Pig guard (SW)
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So, how goes the night?
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Pig guard (JN)
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'Tis dark but still.
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Pig guard (SW)
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Still what?
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Pig guard (JN)
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Still dark.
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They chuckle, as Kermit and the merry men slip past them.
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Pig guard (SW)
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That's a good one. Yeah. Our prisoner, Maid Marian, is safe.
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Pig guard (JN)
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Yes.
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Pig guard (SW)
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Yeah.
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Kermit
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Yoo-hoo.
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Pig guard (JN)
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Hark! A noise.
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Pig guard (SW)
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What?
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Kermit
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(sneaks up behind them) Ah-ha!
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He knocks down the first pig guard with a stick, then spars with the second.
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Kermit
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Ah-ha! Hold fast, good sir, lest I strike you again with my quarterstaff.
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Pig guard (JN)
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That's a cheap weapon. Mine cost fifty cents.
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Kermit
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That's a cheap joke. You'll pay for that!
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They begin sparring.
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Kermit
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Float like a butterfly, sting like a frog!
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Kermit lets him have it. The merry men rejoice.
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Fozzie
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All right, Kermit! Robin Hood, I mean. Yes! Oh, sir, Robin Hood, thou did smite him mightily on the pâté.
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Merry man (RH)
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Uh, I believe that's pate.
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Fozzie
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I'm sorry. Kermit, I'm sorry.
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Kermit
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Yes, but uh, good men of Sherwood Forest, we must now sneak away and rescue the Maid Marian.
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Fozzie
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Sneak and rescue!
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Merry men
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(random) Sneak away! Yeah!
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Kermit
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Wait! Wait, men! We must go hushily.
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Merry men
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(random) Oh, hushily. Hush. Shh. Shh.
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They approach a shadowed chair with someone tied to it.
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Kermit
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Ooh. Hark, it is the beautiful Maid Marian. Lights.
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The lights come up. It's …
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Kermit
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(gasp) Piggy!
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Miss Piggy
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Oh, Robin Hood, I am save'd. (swoons)
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Kermit
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Piggy, where's Lynn Redgrave?
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Miss Piggy
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Um... stage fright. She won't come out of her dressing room. I thought it best if I took over her part. (continues swooning)
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Kermit
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Piggy? Stage fright? Stage fright?
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Miss Piggy
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(sheepish) Well — also... her dressing room door became sort of stuck.
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Kermit
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Stuck? Quick, my merry men, to the rescue! To the dressing room! Come on, let's go! Ho, and away we go!
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They all exit, leaving Piggy still tied to the chair.
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Miss Piggy
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Hold it, wait! It's me. I'm stuck here. Hey, come on. Help! Police!
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Gonzo
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Will the sheriff do?
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Miss Piggy
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What?
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He sits on her lap.
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Gonzo
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Kissy, kissy.
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He starts kissing her all over. She screams.
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Meanwhile, two more pigs guard the dressing room.
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Pig guard (RH)
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How goes it?
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Pig guard (DG)
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Strange. Strange but still.
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Pig guard (RH)
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Still what?
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Pig guard (DG)
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Still strange.
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They chuckle.
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Pig guard (RH)
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Our prisoner, Lynn Redgrave, is safe.
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She screams from inside the room.
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Pig guard (DG)
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And loud.
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Pig guard (RH)
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(nods) Hmm.
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Lynn
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Someone help me! I'm supposed to be on stage! Help!
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Kermit slinks by.
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Kermit
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Knock-knock.
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Pig guard (RH)
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Who's there?
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BONK! Kermit knocks him down. The other one cowers.
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Kermit
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Ah-ha! Stand fast, good sir. Move not, lest I strike thee also with my quarterstaff.
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Pig guard (DG)
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Ha! Mine cost a buck ninety-five.
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They begin sparring.
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Pig guard (DG)
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Ooh, ow! Ooh, a swordfight. Yes. I'll hit you.
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Kermit
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Wait a minute. Tickle tickle tickle.
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Pig guard (DG)
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(laughs)
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BONK! Kermit knocks him down.
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Kermit
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Come, Merry Men, to the rescue!
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Merry men
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Hooray! To the rescue! Come on!
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Kermit opens the door and they enter the dressing room, finding Lynn tied to a chair.
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Kermit
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What ho, Maid Marian. Victory is ours.
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Lynn
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Oh, Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
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They all free her, then start singing.
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Lynn & Muppets
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Hooray! Hooray!
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Lynn
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My Robin saved the day!
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Lynn & Muppets
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Singing, hey, down, merry down down,
Fol-rol-riddle-rol, hey nonny no!
With a dum, dum, diddle dum, dum dum diddle dum—
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Lynn
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Quiet! Shh! Listen, listen, shh. Kermit, listen, shouldn't we be doing this on the stage?
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Kermit
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On the stage? You're right. Quick, Merry Men, to the stage!
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They all make their way downstairs.
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Fozzie
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To the forest, here we go.
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Scooter
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To the forest! To the forest!
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Lynn
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Come quickly. Come, Robin. Come, Merry Men, to the greensward.
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Merry men
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To the greensward! To the greensward!
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They all make it to the greensward, cheering.
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Kermit
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We won!
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Lynn
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We won!
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Lynn & Muppets
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And now our play is done!
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Kermit
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Our fair maid has been from from the fort…
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Lynn
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By my brave little prince of the wart!
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Gonzo
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(still in the dungeon) Now there's naught to do but resort…
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Lynn & Muppets
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To a feisty old cavort!
Singing, hey, down, merry down down,
Fol-rol-riddle-rol, hey nonny no!
With the most sensational, cavort-ational
Inspirational, Muppetational
Tale of Robin Hood!
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Applause. They all take a bow. Gonzo and the pig guards join them.
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