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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 324: Cheryl Ladd.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Cheryl Ladd. Cheryl Ladd? Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Ladd.
Cheryl Oh, thank you, Scooter. Uh, I just can't seem to get my costume off.
Scooter Off? You're supposed to put it on.
Cheryl (points to monster) I know, but, uh, first, he takes it off, and then, I'll put it on. (grins)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Cheryl Ladd! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler Hey, would you guys be quiet? We're tying to heckle up here!
Waldorf (chuckles)
Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a telephone ringing.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight our special guest is one of the loveliest and most talented ladies of the entire entertainment world, Cheryl Ladd. But first, on stage, Miss Piggy and Link Hogthrob in a steamy jungle number. Many people nowadays are returning to the natural life in search of peace and tranquility? Well, this may change their mind.
The Kermit & Piggy Story truelove.jpg
Open on a jungle setting, where butterflies fly and birds try to eat them. Piggy sits in a straw hut and sings the opening to "True Love". Link sings the first verse while swinging on a vine. He eventually hits the cliff and slides down. The tempo increases, and the jungle animals continue singing. A poacher fires at them with his shotgun. Piggy and Link resume the duet, but are quickly drowned out by the animals' loud noises.
Waldorf Me Waldorf, you Statler. (chuckles)
Statler No, you Waldorf, me sick. Sheesh.


The cast walks past Kermit.
Kermit Okay, nicely sung, Piggy.
Miss Piggy Thank you, Kermie.
Kermit Yes, nicely sung, chimp.
Link swings by on the vine, crashing.
Kermit And nicely swung, Link. (through the intercom) Ah, Rowlf, on stage for your piano piece.
Rowlf I'm ready. Don't worry. It'll be great.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Bust of Beethoven It won't be great. Good, yes, but he plays it too fortissimo.
Kermit Whatever you say.
While Rowlf plays onstage, Fozzie approaches Kermit.
Fozzie Uh, Kermit, Kermit, excuse... (to bust) Hi. Uh, Kermit, excuse me, but are you busy?
Kermit Uh, well, I'm doing that introduction for Cheryl Ladd.
Fozzie Good. Listen. Uh, I've been, uh, reading a book here on self-improvement.
Kermit Yeah.
Kermit And it says, uh, it says, uh, I should ask my boss … that's you … uh, to make a list of my good points and my bad points.
Kermit Oh, Fozzie, you don't want me to do that.
Fozzie Oh, but Kermit, I do. You see, it will help me to grow into a more mature and adult bear.
Kermit Well, okay, if you really want me to.
Fozzie Oh, thank you, Kermit. Thank you. (runs off)
Rowlf's solo concludes. Applause.
Rowlf Went pretty good, Kermit. But I think I played it too fortissimo.
Bust of Beethoven What did I tell you?
Fozzie (comes back) Kermit, excuse me. Kermit. You know — you know that list?
Kermit Yeah.
Fozzie Well, when you make it, you know, really, really be … honest. Okay? But, uh, gentle. (leaves)
Kermit How can you gently run over someone with a truck? (goes onstage)

"South Rampart Street Parade"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight is best known for her dazzling performances on television. But acting is only one of the things she does well. See for yourself. Here she is, Cheryl Ladd!
Cheryl sings "South Rampart Street Parade" and dances with Timmy Monster while the Clodhoppers play brass.


Kermit (through the intercom) Okay, Pigs in Space next. Set up Pigs in Space.
The cast passes by him.
Kermit Okay, boy, that was a great number. That Cheryl Ladd is terrific.
Bust of Beethoven Yes, but that trumpet player kept going flat.
Kermit If I remember my history, Beethoven was supposed to be deaf.
Bust of Beethoven I'm not Beethoven, dummy. I'm a bust of Beethoven.
Kermit Of course.
Bust of Beethoven It's a job. You gotta do something for a living and I'm a bust of Beethoven. Any more questions?
Kermit Uh, no, no, no, no, no, uh, nothing. Just forget the...
Fozzie Kermit, excuse me.
Kermit What?
Fozzie (to bust) Excuse me. Uh, Kermit, uh, have you finished that list, you know, with my good points and my bad points?
Kermit Uh, well, well, not yet. I just made a few notes and uh…
Fozzie Oh, oh, oh, a few notes, yes. Oh. Let's see. Um, uh...
He looks at the paper.
Fozzie … Kermit, you're kidding! You don't really think that I... (looks) Oh, no. Uh, not that. Kermit.
Fozzie (to bust) Uh, look at this, look at...
Kermit Yeah, but...
Fozzie I don't believe this. Okay, sometimes I may be a little b... Oh, Kermit, not this.
Kermit Well, uh, uh, uh, Fozzie, I think I better explain. You see…
Fozzie No, no. Oh, no. Kermit, it's okay. It's okay! I can understand how you might think that I have these bad points.
Kermit Uh, well, a-actually that list is your good points.
A beat. Fozzie slowly facepalms.
Kermit I, I, I think I better go get a cup of coffee.
Bust of Beethoven You wanna talk bad points? Let's start with that crummy hat you always wear.
Fozzie growls at the bust and goes away.

Pigs in Space

The Swinetrek goes backwards through space.
Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When last we left the Swinetrek, Dr. Strangepork was on the verge of completing his mysterious experiment.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, Link, this is it. At last my work is completed and I can present the universe with this little baby.
Link Hogthrob Well, what is it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork It's a pill that makes pigs invisible.
Link Hogthrob Hmm. What a wonderful and useful invention. Let's try it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, certainly.
They each take a pill.
Link Hogthrob Well, here's looking at you.
Dr. Julius Strangepork But not for long.
They both chuckle as they disappear.
Link Hogthrob This is weird.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, I think it's peachy neat.
Link Hogthrob I think I'm gonna have to sit down. (yawns, sits down)
Miss Piggy Oh, Link, Link, uh, Strangepork. Uh... Hmm. No one on the bridge. Strange.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (giggles)
Link Hogthrob Shh!
Miss Piggy Hello? Link? Hello? Hmm. Well, I'll just use the intercom.
She sits in Link's chair. Link yelps, startling her.
Miss Piggy Whoo-hoo. I'd say this chair was due for a spell of leave. (through the intercom) Uh, testing, one, two, three. Hogthrob to the bridge. Hogthrob to...
The microphone starts moving.
Miss Piggy What the hey?
It hits her.
Miss Piggy Ha! I know that hit!
Strangepork reappears, giggling.
Miss Piggy Strangepork!
Link reappears.
Miss Piggy Link!
Link Hogthrob Huh, the pills are beginning to wear off.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy Pills? What do you mea— aha. I get it. Okay, how'd you like a taste of your own medicine?
She takes a pill, then laughs as she disappears.
Link Hogthrob Uh, w-w-what do you think she's planning?
Dr. Julius Strangepork I don't know, Link, but let's not shtick around to find out!
Link Hogthrob Yeah.
Miss Piggy Link?
Link Hogthrob Huh?
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH! (karate-chops him)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Uh-oh. Too late. We found out. (she gives him one, then gives Link another one)

UK spot

Two Whatnots have a picnic in an open field.
Whatnot (FO) Oh, smell that country air.
They breathe in and out.
Whatnot (LG) Yes, it's a lovely spot for a picnic 'round 'ere. It's really nice.
Whatnot (FO) Shh. What's that sound?
They hear a strange mewling and look down. Pan down to underground, where spelunker Scooter sings "There's a New Sound" — accompanied by worms and other creatures.

Dressing room

Piggy knocks and enters.
Miss Piggy Excusez-moi, Cheryl. Are you busy?
Cheryl Oh, no, Miss Piggy. Come in.
Miss Piggy Ah, thank you.
Cheryl Oh, by the way, I borrowed some of your perfume. I hope you don't mind.
Miss Piggy (sniffs her) Oh, that stuff's okay.
Cheryl Oh. Oh — I'm so glad you came in, because there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
Miss Piggy Oh? Tell me. Yes?
Cheryl Oh…
Miss Piggy No, go ahead. Oh, come on.
Cheryl I am really a big fan of yours.
Miss Piggy Of course. Although I … I am a bit surprised. You see, most women are insanely jealous of me.
Cheryl Oh. Well, I can understand that. You certainly are a threat.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. Beauty can be a curse.
Cheryl Would you like to know what I admire most about you?
Miss Piggy Well... ahem… I, uh, I'd like to guess. Um, my big blue eyes? My beautiful blonde hair? My — (poses) sylph-like figure?
Cheryl Nope, your chops.
Miss Piggy What?
Cheryl Your chops. Your karate chops.
Miss Piggy Oh, yeah, oh, "ha-ha," like that. Oh, yes, of course.
Cheryl You know what? You're really super. I've seen you in action.
Miss Piggy Well, I've seen you deck a few baddies yourself.
Cheryl After all, we have to protect ourselves.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm.
Cheryl We are just helpless girls.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm.
Cue the music.
Miss Piggy Ready?
Cheryl Ready.
They both go behind a dressing board.

I'm a girl and by me that's only great.
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy.

Miss Piggy

I walk with a sweet and girlish gait,
With my hips kinda swivelly and swervery.


I adore being dressed in something frilly
When my date comes to get me at my place.

They both emerge wearing karate outfits.
Miss Piggy

Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy
Like a filly who is ready for the race!

Cheryl Oh, oh. This is the dummy I practice on.
Miss Piggy Oh, Cheryl, how sweet. I have a dummy too. Kermie!
Kermit (enters) Yeah? Wh-What do you want?
Miss Piggy Now, sweetie, just trust me.
Kermit Yeah?
Cheryl Ready?
Miss Piggy Right. Ahem.
324 dummy.jpg
They both practice attacking their "dummies" as they sing.

When I have a brand new hairdo — HAH!
With my eyelashes all in curls,
I float like the clouds on air do.
I enjoy being a girl.

Miss Piggy Ahem.

When men say I'm cute and funny — Hi-YAH!
And my teeth aren't teeth but pearls,
I just lap it up like — (throws Kermit) — honey.
I enjoy being a girl.

Cheryl (throws her dummy)

I flip when a fella sends me flowers.

Miss Piggy (throws Kermit)

I drool over dresses made of lace.

Cheryl (chops the phone)

I talk on the telephone for hours

Miss Piggy With a pound and a half of cream upon his face!
Kermit What?
Cheryl hits him in the face with a pie.
Miss Piggy All right!
Cheryl (punches a hole in the wall)

I'm strictly a female female…

Miss Piggy Yeah! (knocks over the board)

And my future I hope will be… Ha-ha!

They destroy the dressing room and gently end the song.
Cheryl & Piggy

In the home of a brave and free male,
Who'll enjoy being a guy … having a girl …
Like me.



Kermit wipes the pie off his face. Some entranced chickens stand behind him.
Kermit Huh, lemon meringue. (through the intercom) Okay, Gonzo, stand by for your hypnotism act. Chickens, what are you doing here? Shoo, shoo!
Gonzo Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit What?
Gonzo Careful!
Kermit What?
Gonzo (whispers) Those chickens are hypnotized.
Kermit Hypnotized chickens?
Gonzo Yes. They're in my power.
Kermit Uh … Gonzo. I, I don't believe this.
Gonzo Oh, sure. See, I hypnotize 'em and then I can get 'em to do anything I want.
Kermit Uh, like what?
Gonzo Animal impressions. (to chickens) Puppy dog!
Chickens (entranced) Bark-bark. Bark-bark. Bark-bark.
Kermit Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible. I'm not even gonna introduce you for a crummy act like that.
Gonzo Sic him.
They start attacking Kermit and pushing him onstage.
Chickens (entranced) Bow-wow, bow-wow.
Gonzo Down, girl.

Gonzo's stunt

The chickens push Kermit onstage.
Kermit Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'll introduce him.
Chicken Meow.
Kermit Huh? Uh, any how, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, your own and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! (shoos chickens) Off, off, off, off.
A fanfare plays, and only a few people clap as the curtain opens on Gonzo.
Gonzo Thank you, thank you. And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a trance. Aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion, my subject will support, with only one hand, this — (the curtain opens on a —) five thousand pound weight. Who will be the first lucky volunteer?
Statler and Waldorf look down at the crowd.
Gonzo Well, it's just a question of mind over matter.
Waldorf That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter.
They chuckle.
Gonzo You'll live to regret this!
Statler We intend to!
They chuckle.
Gonzo I just don't understand you people! Immortality is up for grabs! But you don't deserve it.
Waldorf No, but you do.
They chuckle.
Gonzo What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem.
He looks in a hand mirror.
Gonzo Look deep into my eyes. … Make my mind a COMPLETE blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. … I am falling into my power. When I count three I will have the strength of an army. One, two, three.
He gets under the weight and attempts to hold it up.
Gonzo Release the ropes!
The ropes are released.
Statler That's very impressive. But how do you get out of it?
Gonzo It's simple. I just snap my fingers.
He snaps his fingers, and the weight falls on top of him. Statler and Waldorf laugh. Gonzo, having been squished, lifts the weight off himself.
Gonzo Hey Kermit! It went terrific!
Waldorf He says it went terrific, but I know how he really feels.
Statler How's that?
Waldorf (gestures) About so high.
They chuckle.


Kermit looks down at Gonzo as he passes by.
Kermit Okay, that was a, uh, nice one, Gonzo.
Gonzo It was a triumph.
Kermit Yeah. I don't know where you find these acts to do.
Gonzo Oh, I just keep my ear to the ground.
Kermit It looks like it. (goes onstage)

"Sunshine on My Shoulders"

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Uh, you will all be happy to know that Gonzo did survive that last act, and is about to embark on a new career as a lump. (gulp) But now it's time for our closing number. Are we ready back there?
Voice (FO) Who wants to know?
Kermit I do!
Voice (FO) Oh, oh, oh, yeah, sorry, boss.
Kermit Uh. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Miss Cheryl Ladd!
Cheryl and the Muppets sing "Sunshine on My Shoulders" in a garden setting.


Kermit Well, it looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest, Miss Cheryl Ladd. Yaaay!
Cheryl You know, Kermit, I just wanted to tell you thank you. I have had so much fun working with the Muppets. I wanna thank each one of you, starting from the top.
Gonzo Oh, no. That means I'm last.
Kermit Uh, hey, Gonzo, don't be such a baby. Grow up.
Gonzo I'm trying, I'm trying.
Cheryl and the Muppets laugh at him.
Kermit Okay, well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! (to Cheryl) It was really nice to have you here.
The credits roll as the chatter continues.
Waldorf Well, let's go while the going's good.
Statler Well, I'm glad something's good tonight.
They chuckle.