He wouldn't listen. They must have brainwashed him.
Gonzo's head explodes and appears in another corner.
Gonzo
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoopee!
Opening number[]
Main stage. Enter Kermit.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! It is going to be a terrific show tonight because our guest star is one of the great talents of the music world, Mr. John Denver. And, because John is such an outdoors lover, we're going to spend a lot of the show in the country.
Beauregard peers from behind the curtain.
Beauregard
Kermit, Kermit, I haven't quite finished building the set yet.
Kermit
Well, uh, how much time do you need?
Beauregard
Thursday?
Kermit
Uh, Beau, we have to do the number now!
Beauregard
Well, okay, but it looks like a battlefield back there.
A group of Whatnot soldiers (including Crazy Harry) sing "Why Can't We Be Friends" (with additional lyrics). Outfits include Roman, Musketeers of the Guard, First French Empire (the Napoleonic Wars), Imperial Russian Army, American Civil War, American cowboys and Native Americans, and World War I. At the end, Statler and Waldorf fire at the fighters with a machine gun, and they collectively surrender.
Waldorf
They got up. We must have missed them.
Statler
We didn't miss them, we were shooting blanks.
Waldorf
We were?
Statler
Of course!
Statler accidentally fires another round, reaching the ceiling.
Statler
Well, some of them were blanks.
Waldorf chuckles.
Backstage[]
The cast of the opening number passes by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, nice opening number.
Indian
Oh, thank you very much, sir.
Kermit
Okay, soldiers, nicely waged.
Floyd
All right, J. Amphibiousness, now, what is this important announcement you wanted to make?
Miss Piggy
Yes, what?
Floyd, Piggy, Scooter, Fozzie, Beau and Gonzo begin to gather and express curiosity.
Kermit
Okay, uh, hey, listen everybody, John Denver has invited us all to join him on a weekend camping trip.
The rest react with excitement.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Up in the mountains?
Kermit
Uh, well, no, actually, see, John and I decided it would fun to take you all and show you the land of my birth.
Miss Piggy
You mean?
Kermit
Yes, it will be a weekend in the swamp!
Everyone except Kermit groans.
Scooter
Well, I just remembered I've got a basketball game on Saturday.
Floyd
Yeah, and the band's got three extra gigs this weekend.
Gonzo
And, uh, I've signed up for a seminar on mildew.
Miss Piggy
Now, listen everyone. A wonderful thing has just happened. Our Kermie has offered to take us on a visit to his homeland. (Gets close to Kermit) Overnight! (Kermit looks stressed) I think we should all be grateful to him.
Kermit
Well, thank you very much, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Mm-hmm. Besides, a weekend in the swamp will be very healthy for you all.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the good guys of contemporary music, Mr. John Denver.
Open curtain. John sings "Garden Song" with some flowers.
Statler
You know something? That was a sweet number.
Waldorf
It sure was.
Statler
You know something else?
Waldorf
What?
Statler
I hate sweet numbers.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The flowers pass by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, very good, flowers. Get to your dressing pots.
Miss Piggy
Kermie! (dodges the flowers) Kermie, oh, I am so excited about spending a weekend in the swamp with vous, you little green hunk, you. (gives him a kiss)
Kermit
Yeah, well, very good Miss Piggy. But you must remember that camping can be tough 'cause we're gonna be roughing it.
Miss Piggy
Oh, I know. That is why I'm only bringing four long dresses. And of course, a dozen pairs of shoes. And, uh, some apres swim togs …
Kermit
Wait, wait, wait…
Miss Piggy
and my sun visor spectacles.
Kermit
Piggy, Piggy, you can't carry all that stuff.
Miss Piggy
Carry? I do not intend to carry anything.
Kermit
But, campers carry everything they need. Look, come here a second.
Miss Piggy
What, what?
Kermit walks her over to a backpack.
Kermit
See, for instance, Floyd here has just packed his backpack. See that?
Miss Piggy
You expect moi to carry that heavy thing?
Kermit
Sure, that's how you go camping.
Miss Piggy
Forget it. I am not going.
Kermit
Okay, as you will.
Kermit walks past Annie Sue.
Annie Sue
Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir. When we get to the swamp, will you give me a swimming lesson?
Kermit
Oh, why, sure, Annie Sue. It, uh, it might be kinda fun to teach a cute little pig to, uh, frog kick. (chuckles)
Annie Sue
Thank you, sir.
Miss Piggy
Kermie!
She grunts while carrying the backpack.
Miss Piggy
Kermie, you were right. This backpack weighs next to nothing. See?
She knocks down Annie Sue with the backpack.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Annie Sue. Pardon moi. (walks away)
The Swedish Chef: Squirrel Stew[]
The forest. The Chef sings his theme while waving ladles.
Swedish Chef
(Singing) Yøeng, bør dëng, De hü, badeskedøø, Ye bø gedür deyør Mmm børk børk børk!
He tosses away the ladles. A gopher giggles, while a possum catches one in its mouth, then spits it out.
Swedish Chef
(addresses viewer) Yøngish vøern de grëat outdøorsÿ, we mäke de squïrlÿ stëw. (Points to the pot) De squïrlÿ …
Swedish Chef
(examines the pot) No squïrlÿ. Ooh. (calls around) So … squïrlÿ! Oh, where de squïr - (Spots a squirrel in a tree) Oh, squïrlÿ! Hellø, squïrlÿ!
The squirrel waves.
Swedish Chef
Cøme øo. Oh squïrlÿ.
Squirrel
(shakes head) Uh-uh.
Swedish Chef
Oh be gøo. Come on doø.
Squirrel
(shakes head) Uh-uh.
Swedish Chef
(to viewer) We shake the tree.
He begins to rattle the tree as the squirrel hangs on for its life.
Swedish Chef
CØME DØWN, SQUÏRLŸ! CØME DØWN …
Many squirrels fall from the tree; the Chef scrambles to catch them.
Swedish Chef
Cøme on døwn, squïrlÿ, here … aha, hëre de squïrlÿs! Cøme øn squïrlÿs! I'll get yøü! Into de pot — OH!!
He reacts to being bitten on the hand, then picks up a meat cleaver and chases the squirrels off-stage.
Swedish Chef
Cøme øn squïrlÿ, I get de squïrlÿ … WWWAAAAAAHHH!
A bear seizes the meat cleaver and chases the Chef away. The squirrels cheer him on.
Bear
(speaks his own gibberish, imitating the Chef) Bork, bork, bork!
He tosses the cleaver away. The squirrels laugh.
Backstage[]
John walks downstairs from his dressing room and sits by Gonzo.
John
(singing to himself) Inch by inch, row by row. Hi-ya Gonzo.
Gonzo
Oh, hi, John!
John
How you doing, man?
Gonzo
I'm doing fine. Hey, I really enjoyed your last number.
John
Aw, thanks very much, Gonzo. I enjoyed that, too.
Gonzo
Yeah, hey listen, I wonder if you'd share some of the secrets of your success with me since we're both in the same field.
John
Well, yeah, I'd be happy to. You know, you've got to take care of your throat. You can't let yourself get too tired when you're singing...
Gonzo
Oh, I don't need help with my singing. (sigh) I need help with my gardening.
John
You've got a garden?
Gonzo
Oh, yeah, John. I've got the world's biggest mold garden.
John
Mold garden?
Gonzo
Yeah, mold.
John
Far out. How did you get into that?
Gonzo
Well, about a year ago, I went away on vacation, and I forgot to clean out my refrigerator.
John
Yeah?
Gonzo
And, when I got back, the food was all green and fuzzy, and it was just too cute to throw out.
John
So, what's the problem?
Gonzo
Well, I don't have any privacy anymore. Sometimes I think my garden is plotting against me.
John
You're kidding.
Gonzo yelps as mushrooms surround him and John.
John
You know, you could be right. There's a fungus among us.
Mushroom
Gonzo?
Gonzo
What?
Mushroom
The bulb in the refrigerator got busted.
Gonzo
How did that happen?
Mushroom
Well, we were playing puff ball and Reggie hit a long one.
Gonzo
(sigh) All right, I'll replace it, but this is the last time.
Mushroom
Oh, thanks. You're a real spore.
Gonzo
(sigh) Yeah, yeah. (exits)
John
(sings) "Nobody knows the truffles I've seen …"
John giggles as the mushrooms attack him.
UK Spot[]
A forest. Music plays as Piggy sings.
Miss Piggy
(singing) I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's sweet flowing breast A tree that looks at God all day And lifts her leafy arms to pray. A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair, Upon whose bosom snow has lain Who intimately lives with rain Poems are made by fools like me …
Tree
What a rotten voice! You know what a tree would call you? A pine in the neck. (chuckles) With a voice like that, you won't be very poplar around here. (chuckles) If I couldn't sing any better than that, I'd leaf. (chuckles)
Three pigs are climbing up a mountain singing "The Happy Wanderer".
Pigs
We love to go a-wandering Along the mountain track And as we go, we love to sing Our knapsacks on our backs
Bottom Pig (SW)
Val-deri!
Top Pig (DG)
Val-dera!
Middle Pig (RH)
Val-dera!
Bottom Pig
Val-der- AAAAAAAAAHHHH...!
The bottom pig falls off the mountain. A crash is heard from the bottom.
Middle & Top Pigs
Uh oh!
Top Pig
Watch your step.
Middle Pig
Yeah. (muttering) I'll be careful.
The remaining pigs continue climbing.
Middle & Top Pigs
High overhead, the skylarks wing They never rest at home But just like us, they love to sing As o'er the world we roam
Top Pig
Val-deri!
Middle Pig
Val-dera!
Top Pig
Val-dera!
Middle Pig
Val-der- AAAAAAAAAHHHH...!
The middle pig tumbles downward and crashes at the bottom. The last pig remaining whimpers as he continues climbing skittishly.
Top Pig
(nervously) Oh, may I go a-wandering Until the day I... die Oh, may I always laugh and sing Beneath the clear blue sky Val-deri... Val-dera... Val-dera...
The top pig grabs hold of a branch. He then regains his confidence as he sings.
Top Pig
Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Val-deri! Val-dera! Beneath the clear blue SKYYYYYYYYY...!
The top pig gets crushed by two boulders just as he sings the last lyric. A goat appears at the top and laughs like Bert.
Dressing Room[]
John tunes his guitar, and hears a knock on the door.
John
Come in.
Piggy enters.
Miss Piggy
Hello, Jonathan, dear.
John
Why, hello Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Hello.
John
Miss Piggy, you look … amazing.
Miss Piggy
And lovely, thank you. (sigh) This is my designer collection hiking suit. Don't you know?
She displays her backpack, then admires herself in the mirror.
John
Well, it's... Piggy, is that a gold lamé backpack that you're wearing?
Miss Piggy
Oh, you noticed?
John
Well, it's hard not to … Piggy, we are going to the swamp.
Miss Piggy
Yes, the swamp, yes.
John
Do you have everything, do you have your snake bite kit?
Miss Piggy
(perks up) What?
John
Your — your snake bite kit. There are snakes in the swamp, they may bite you.
Miss Piggy
Snakes?
John
Well, yes Piggy, snakes. And also, you need a short, sharp stick about that long.
Miss Piggy
A walking stick, yes, yes, I'm sure...
John
No, no, no, this is for the alligators.
She suddenly shows dire concern.
Miss Piggy
… Alligators?
John
Why yes, darling. The alligators, when they open their mouths to eat you, you jam the stick and they can't close their jaws.
Miss Piggy
(shivering) Can't close their jaws … good. (nods)
John
Well, yes, also, Piggy, one other thing, and this is of critical importance.
Miss Piggy
Yes?
John
Every morning when you get up, before you put your boots on, be very sure to shake them vigorously.
Miss Piggy
Wh-wh-why?
John
Well, Piggy, at night when you're asleep in the swamp, sometimes there are spiders and little creepy crawly things and they'll get in your boots and if you don't shake them out...
She winces. John bursts out laughing.
Miss Piggy
You think that's funny?
John
(laughs) I'm sorry... They'll crawl up your legs, Piggy. They'll be all over you.
Miss Piggy
(starts freaking out) Oh no, not the legs, please!
John
You have to — I'm sorry —
Miss Piggy
Oh, not there, please, John! Oh! Oh! Please! Please! Oh!
She runs out of the room screaming.
John
(chuckling) Poor girl's got a case of the nerves! I think she needs a week in the country.
Backstage[]
Piggy runs down the stairs, fuming.
Kermit
(to the viewer) Oh, Miss Piggy appears angry.
Miss Piggy
Angry? No, I am not angry. Your star is not angry. She is merely … disappointed.
Kermit
Disappointed?
Miss Piggy
(turns away from him) Yes. You have not been honest with me, Kermit.
Kermit
I haven't?
Miss Piggy
(faces him) No! When you told me we were spending a week in the swamp…
Kermit
Mm-hm?
Miss Piggy
… well, you never said there would be snakes and spiders and … (gasp) alligators!
Kermit
Well, no, I was saving the best part for a surprise.
Miss Piggy
Surprise?
Kermit
Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy
Kermie, you are out of your little green mind. (turns away from him)
Kermit
(solemn) Well, gee Miss Piggy, you know, I was born in the swamp. My, my roots are there and I just wanted you and my other friends to see it. But, uh, we don't have to go back to the swamp. We can, uh … we can go back to where you were born. The sty. You know, where your roots are. (He is now pushing her buttons) Where pigs eat swill, and wallow in the mud. Remember that? Huh?
Miss Piggy
Huh?
Kermit
Huh?
Miss Piggy
Huh?
Kermit
(chuckles)
Miss Piggy
Remember this! Hi-YAH!
She gives him a karate chop, which sends him flying to the stage. He picks himself up.
Kermit
Well, uh, ladies and gentlemen, once again, Mr. John Denver.
John sings "Grandma's Feather Bed" with a bed full of Muppet kids and dogs.
Goodnights[]
The stage. Kermit appears wearing a backpack and baseball cap.
Kermit
Okay, well, it looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, John Denver! Yaay!
John enters.
John
Thanks, Kermit. Thank you, everybody. Kermit, it was an absolute thrill to work with you. Thank you for having me on the show.
Kermit
Aw, it was our pleasure, John. But, you know, it looks like it's gonna be just you and me on that camping trip, 'cause everybody else backed out.
John
Oh, is that...? I'm sorry to hear that, but listen, Kermit, never mind, we'll have a great time. I'll teach you how to catch frogs!
Kermit
Wh-what?
John
Well, yeah, what you do is you wait until dark, you see, and then you take a flashlight and you shine it out on the water...
Kermit
John, I know all about those flashlights. How do you think my eyes got this way? Well, listen, I'll find somebody else to go camping with me. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The dogs surround John and Kermit as the credits roll. Kermit appears in the balcony with Statler and Waldorf.
Kermit
Well, guys, it's just the three of us for a weekend in the swamp.