Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! We call it that because um, uh, well, we call it that because the whole show is just filled with Muppets! Uh, plus one human being. And tonight, it's a very special human being, the lovely recording artist, Miss Crystal Gayle! But first... but first, we present an old German folk song. And it's not from West Germany, it's not from East Germany, it seems to be from, uh … South Germany? Why not?
Okay! Well, enough of this nonsense! It is sanity time here on The Muppet Show, and here is our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the lovely miss Crystal Gayle.
Open on Crystal strolling down a road. She is joined by a dog, then by other runaways.
Crystal
Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand And I'm running away down River Road And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home I'm chasing my dreams down River Road
Crystal
Mama said, "Listen child, you're too old to run wild You're too big to be fishin' with the boys these days" So I grabbed some clothes and ran Stole five dollars from a sugar can A twelve year old jail breaker runnin' away.
Crystal, runaways
Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand And I'm running away down River Road And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home I'm chasing my dreams down River Road.
She is joined by a horse, a baby, and an escaped convict.
Crystal
Well, I married a pretty good man and he tries to understand But he knows I've got leavin' on my mind these days When I get that urge to run, I'm just like a kid again The same old jail breaker runnin' away.
Crystal, runaways
Here I go once again with my suitcase in my hand And I'm running away down River Road And I swear, once again, that I'm never coming home I'm chasing my dreams down River Road.
An old lady passes.
Old lady
You look like you're running away.
Crystal
Sure I am.
Old lady
Yeah. I ran away, in 1924.
Crystal
What happened?
Old lady
Ehh, I'm still runnin'. I sleep on the hard ground every night, haven't changed my socks since World War II. Last night for dinner, I ate a fence post.
Crystal turns around and heads home.
Whatnots, pigs
There she goes, home again, with her suitcase in her hand No more running away down River Road.
Crystal
And I swear, once again, that I'm never leaving home To go running away down River Road. To go running away down River Road.
Applause.
Waldorf
Nice song.
Statler
Yeah. Kinda reminds me of the time I ran away from home.
Waldorf
When was that?
Statler
Last night. The wife was driving me crazy!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The cast of the opening number passes by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay. Nice number, guys. Very pretty, Crystal.
Scooter
Hey, boss?
Kermit
Okay, yes?
Scooter
The Prairie Dog Glee Club's ready!
Kermit
Oh, good. I'll schedule their number in the second half of the show.
Scooter
Good.
Kermit
Uh, did you uh, talk to them about stealing though?
Scooter
Yeah, but I think you'd better talk to 'em. I mean, after all, you are the head honcho. I think they'd listen to you.
Kermit
Okay.
Scooter
Hey, fellas? Uh, Kermit wants to talk to you.
The critters gather around Kermit, and Scooter leaves.
Kermit
Uh, yeah. Uh, listen, gang, it's not nice to take other people's things. You see, that's called —
The critters start taking things again, clearing Kermit's desk.
Kermit
— uh, that's called stealing and uh — uh — guys! Scooter!
Scooter
Yeah, boss?
Kermit
They've taken everything!
Scooter
Oh, no!
Kermit's collar is immediately snatched off. He hides behind his desk in embarrassment.
Scooter
Gee, boss. I've never seen you naked before.
Kermit screams as he scurries away in fright.
Dressing Room[]
Crystal hears a knock on her door.
Crystal
Who is it?
Beauregard enters with a piece of paper.
Beauregard
It's me, Miss Gayle, Beauregard the janitor. (he closes the door)
Crystal
What can I do for you, Beauregard?
Beauregard
Well, um … uh … (takes off his hat) Could I have your autograph?
Crystal
You sure can.
She takes his paper, signs it, and gives it back to him.
Crystal
There you go.
Beauregard
Okay, thank y — hey, wait, this is no good! It's upside down!
She turns it right side up.
Crystal
How's that?
Beauregard
(in awe) How did you do that?
She chuckles.
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Inside the Swinetrek, a buzzing noise is heard.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Listen! The warning buzzer!
Link Hogthrob
Someone's outside the door.
The door opens, and Dr. Julius enters, looking quite messy.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, Captain! Captain Link! All is lost!
Link Hogthrob
What?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, they breached our security! There's no stopping them! Our weapons are useless!
Link and Piggy begin to cower.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
He'll be here soon, with his storm troopers! (feeling faint) I … held them off as long as I … could!
He collapses on the dashboard.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Captain, is he … (dramatic sting)
Link Hogthrob
Yes, I'm afraid he's … (dramatic sting)
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(gets up) I'm resting. That was a difficult scene to play.
Link Hogthrob
(grabs Dr. Julius) You must tell us, who has breached our security? Who is outside of our door?!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Dearth Nadir! (dramatic sting)
Miss Piggy
Dearth Nadir? I have never heard of him!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
He's the scourge of the universe! A heartless, power-mad fiend, who hides behind an impenetrable mask!
Link Hogthrob
(to Piggy) He's badder than anyone.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Oh, what shall we do?
Link Hogthrob
What can we do? (picks up the phone) Link's mommy wanted, on the bridge!
A beeping noise is heard. He puts down the phone.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
The warning buzzer!
Link Hogthrob
He's at the other door!
The other door opens, and a figure in black emerges, breathing heavily.
Miss Piggy
Uh, who, who — who are you behind that mask?
Gonzo
Ha! And well you might ask!
Piggy's fear changes to disgust.
Miss Piggy
Oh, good grief. (sigh)
Gonzo
Storm troopers! Surround them!
A group of helmet-wearing chickens enters, and surrounds Link.
Link Hogthrob
Oh! My goodness, they look brutal!
Miss Piggy
Oh, you have got to be kidding.
Gonzo
Okay, girls! Peck them to death! (dramatic sting)
The chickens begin pecking the pigs.
Link Hogthrob
OH! OH (either with an exclamation point or a comma) HELP! OH!
Miss Piggy
Get them out of here.
Announcer
Tune in next week, for an apology for this week's … PIGS… IN… SPACE!
There is a lone shark from Cincinnati Who comes daily to his fishery. Fish is what he eats. Listen to this story.
Fish trio
Hold tight, hold tight Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark
Want some seafood, Mama! Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!
Fish trio
Hold tight, hold tight Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark
Want some seafood, Mama! Codfish in sauce, and then of course, I like oysters, lobsters too! I like my tasty bit of fish! When I come home from work at night, I get my favorite dish, fish!
Fish trio
Hold tight, hold tight Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark
Want some seafood, Mama! Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!
A lobster joins Rowlf at the piano. Lew Zealand emerges from the piano.
Lew Zealand
Hey, this is my kinda song! Hee hee hee hee! (kisses his fish)
The shark catches the lobster.
Fish trio
Hold tight, hold tight Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark
Want some seafood, Mama! Shrimps and rice, they're very nice!
Rowlf plays.
Shark
Fododo-de-yacka saki, Want some seafood, Mama! Codfish in sauce, and of course, I like kippers, mackerel too! And I like my tasty bit of fish! When I come home from work at night, I get my favorite dish, fish!
Fish trio
Hold tight, hold tight Hold tight, hold tight, fododo-de-yacka saki
Shark
Want some seafood, Mama! Shrimps and rice…
Fish trio
Very nice!
Another lobster hits the last note. The lobster bows, then is caught by the shark.
Backstage[]
Crystal comes downstairs from her dressing room, encountering Kermit with a paper bag over his head.
Crystal
Is that you, Kermit?
Kermit
(nods) Yes, ma'am.
Crystal
Do you often wear a bag over your head?
Kermit
Those dumb prairie dogs — they took away my collar.
Crystal
So?
Kermit
Well, you wouldn't want me to go around naked, would you?
Crystal
Well … no, it's a family show.
Kermit
It used to be.
Crystal
(chuckles) Hey. We can put something else around your neck. (starts looking around) We can find it…
Kermit
Yeah, well, my other collar's at the cleaners. (she takes off his paper bag and he shrieks)
Crystal
Well, let's see … see what this does.
She wraps a feather boa around his neck.
Kermit
Well, I don't know, I feel kinda dumb.
Crystal
No, not at all.
The prairie dogs gather around Kermit, giggling.
Prairie dog
Boy, do you look dumb!
They all laugh and run away. Kermit goes after them.
(Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.) Sixty seconds got together and they decided to become a minute. (Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.) Sixty minutes got together and they decided to become an hour. (Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.)
Fish #1
Twenty-four hours kept ticking away.
Fish #2
And they all voted to call it a day.
Fish #3
But darling, in a day, there wasn't time to say
Gills Brothers
How much I love you! (Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.) Seven days, they got together and decided to become a week. (Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.) As they grew and grew, then fifty-two weeks decided to become a year (Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.) That's why sixty seconds every minute, sixty minutes every hour,
Fish #4
Every hour, every day, every day, every week,
Gills Brothers
Every week in every year, All I do is dream of you, my dear.
Fish #4
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick.
Backstage[]
In her dressing room, Piggy looks around frantically. Kermit peers in, trying to conceal the feather boa he's wearing.
Kermit
Did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Oh, yes, come in, Kermie! Oh! Oh!
Kermit
Can I talk to you from here?
Miss Piggy
No, no, I want to show you something! Now get in here!
Kermit
(walks over) See, I can explain about this outfit.
Miss Piggy
Oh, who cares about your silly costume! Look at this!
She points him to a mannequin pig-head.
Miss Piggy
See, see, my black wig that I wear for Latin numbers — it's missing!
Kermit
Oh.
Miss Piggy
And my long lavender gloves, and my simulated pearls, and everything! It's all gone!
Kermit
Uh, well, you see, I've gotta go out on stage and make an introduction. I'll explain to you later.
He almost leaves, but she steps on his boa and knocks him over.
Miss Piggy
You'll explain to me now.
Kermit
Well, you see, we've got — on the show, we've got these prairie dogs.
Miss Piggy
What?
Kermit
Uh, yeah, a-and they …
The critters pop up wearing Piggy's clothes. She shrieks.
Kermit
Uh, guys, you're on stage in a second! Now put all that stuff back!
They throw her clothes all over the room. Her black wig lands on her head. Kermit exits.
Miss Piggy
Kermit! Kermit! Where are ya? What is this? What? …
Main stage. A fanfare plays, and Kermit peeks out from the curtain.
Kermit
Um, uh, hi there! I thought I would just kinda peek out here and introduce our next act. Uh, it is the barbershop harmonies of our own singing prairie dogs. Uh, they're, they're really terrific, so hang on to your hats, and uh, you might also keep an eye on your wallets. Ladies and gentlemen, the singing prairie dogs!
The curtain opens to a barbershop setting. Fozzie sits in the barber chair with a towel wrapped around his face, as the critters sing and steal things.
Prairie dogs
The moon belongs to everyone. The best things in life are free. The stars belong to everyone. They gleam there for you and for me. The flowers in spring, The robins that sing, The sunbeams that shine, They're yours! They're mine! And love can come to everyone! The best things in life are free! The flowers in spring, The robins that sing, The sunbeams that shine, They're yours! They're mine! And love can come to everyone! The best things in life, The best things in life, The best things in life, are …
They unravel Fozzie's towel, revealing him in his police uniform.
Fozzie
Stop! I, Bear on Patrol, put you under arrest!
Link Hogthrob
Wait, wait, wait, deputy Bear, surely you're not arresting these cute little things here as common thieves?
Fozzie
But, but I have witnesses!
Switch to the balcony —
Statler
The bear's right!
Waldorf
The prairie dogs are thieves!
Fozzie and Link have just had their clothes have been snatched off. They fret, as the critters giggle.
Switch to the balcony. Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Statler
They stole their clothes right off their —
They suddenly notice that they're in their long johns. The critters pop up and giggle.
Muppet Labs[]
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, this is Muppet Labs, and I'm tickled pink to announce our solution to the banana problem.
Beaker enters with a banana bunch, singing.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
As you know, once removed from the bunch, bananas cannot be reinserted.
Beaker tries it himself to no avail.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
This results in extra bananas lying around underfoot, where they can be hazardous to your health.
Beaker slips and falls. Bunsen snickers.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Such problems disappear with our new electric banana sharpener. Show them, Beaker.
Beaker pulls a lever, then inserts a banana into the sharpener. It pops out on Bunsen's end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Ah. Say goodbye forever to dull bananas.
Beaker
Bye-bye!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
(snickers) With this equipment, you can store bananas on any convenient vertical surface.
He launches the pointed banana in Beaker's direction, and it sticks to the wall, inches from his head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
You can even store a whole bunch this way.
SPROING! He launches four more towards Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
And that's all for today from Muppet Labs. (snickers)
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kermit's having what you might call costume problems tonight, so he's asked me to introduce our very special guest star again. Is the scenery ready?
Voices
(from behind the curtain) Yeah, it's ready.
Scooter
Ah. Here she is again, miss Crystal Gayle!
The curtain opens to reveal Crystal on an old ship at night. She is surrounded by spirits, who dance around her and cackle as she sings "We Must Believe in Magic".
Goodnights[]
The stage. Beauregard carries a wardrobe wall to conceal Kermit as he moves across the stage.
Kermit
Okay, well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but...
Beauregard moves Kermit offstage.
Kermit
Beauregard!
Beauregard
Oops, sorry!
Beauregard places him at the center of the stage.
Kermit
Okay, okay!
Beauregard runs offstage.
Kermit
Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Crystal Gayle! Yaaaay!
Crystal comes out and bows.
Crystal
Thank you, Kermit, for a lovely evening.
Kermit
Oh, it's been our pleasure. Incidentally, you can have your feather boa back.
ZIP! A prairie dog snatches it.
Kermit
Hey! Will you come back with — AAH! Bring that thing back!
He hides behind the wall, which is also snatched away.
Kermit
(hides behind Crystal) We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
As the credits roll, the critters tear off Crystal's dress, and other Muppets show up with their clothes snatched off. One of the critters has Kermit's collar.
The balcony: Statler and Waldorf are now wearing barrels.