Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, do we have a good one for you tonight? Don't ask, of course we do! Tonight's guest stars are those phenomenal artists of mime, Shields and Yarnell.
Scooter
Boss! Boss! Bad news about the guest stars!
Kermit
What is it, Scooter?
Scooter
They're machines! Shields and Yarnell are robots!
Kermit
(scowls) They are not.
Scooter
They are so! They were just moving like this. (walks like a robot)
Kermit
Scooter! Watch out for the orchestra pit!
Scooter
(falls) WHOAAA! (crash!)
Kermit
Boy. Right into the tuba. Hey, Tiny, would you give a blast on that thing?
With a toot, Scooter is launched back onto the stage.
Kermit
Scooter, are you okay?
Scooter gets up, cross-eyed.
Scooter
Fine, boss. J-just fine. (stumbles across the stage)
Kermit
Okay, uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, "Take a Chance".
Scooter
I did. I did.
Kermit
Okay, "Take a Chance"!
The curtain opens. Green birds sing "Take a Chance on Me" while bouncing on telephone pole wires.
Statler
That's what you'd call a wire act.
Waldorf
On this show, everything's a wire act.
Statler
Oh?
Waldorf
Sure. You keep asking, "Wire they doing that?"
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The birds pass by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, nice number, birds. Very nice.
Bird
Hey Kermit?
Kermit
Yeah?
Bird
Do we get paid extra for working on the high wire?
Kermit
Uh, no.
Birds
Cheap! Cheap!
They walk off in disgust. Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie
Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit
Yeah, Fozzie?
Fozzie
You know, Shields and Yarnell have been teaching me the subtle art of mime.
Kermit
Mime. Uh-huh.
Fozzie
Yeah, hey, watch this, okay? Tell me what it is. Ahem. (pretends to walk up the stairs) Ahh. Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Kermit
Uh, "bear walking up stairs".
Fozzie
Riiiiight! Okay, watch this, okay, tell me what this is now. (he slowly rises up) Huh? What's that? What's that?
Kermit
Uh, Fozzie, look, I'm really kinda busy right now.
Fozzie
I'll do it again.
Kermit
Uh, "bear going up escalator".
Fozzie
You got it! Aaahhh! Okay, now here is my biggie. Okay? Watch this. Ahem. (demonstrates)
Kermit
(not looking at Fozzie) Uh, "bear walking against the wind".
Fozzie
You weren't even looking.
Kermit
I didn't have to. All mimes do walking against the wind. Fozzie, you've gotta be more original. (walks to the stage)
The Clinkers[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest stars tonight are masters in the art of mime. Here they are, doing one of their classic sketches, "Robots Having Breakfast", ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell.
Open on a kitchen. As synthetic music plays, Mr. Clinker, wearing a robe and with a pipe in his mouth, mechanizes his way towards the table, briefly glancing at the camera and batting his eyebrows.
He and Mrs. Clinker move towards each other to give a hug. They both go to the table. Mrs. Clinker pours cereal and milk into both bowls as Mr. Clinker sits down. Mrs. Clinker sits down.
Mr. Clinker picks up the glass of orange juice, and pours it on himself. Mrs. Clinker does the same. They both spoon cereal onto themselves. Mrs. Clinker falls face-first into the bowl, then rises up. She spits cereal at Mr. Clinker, and they both fall on their backs, knocking over the table. Applause.
Statler
Is that their act?
Waldorf
Yep.
Statler
How come they don't talk?
Waldorf
Because it's mime.
Statler
I thought you said it was theirs!
They look at each other in confusion.
Backstage[]
Fozzie pretends to take something out of his hand, then looks up.
Fozzie
Hey, Floyd, what am I doing? What am I doing? Okay — (demonstrates)
Floyd
Hey, man, I don't know what kind of trip you're on, but I hope you bought a return ticket! (chuckles)
Fozzie
Okay — what does it look like I'm doing?
Floyd
Heh, it looks like you're feeding spaghetti to an elephant.
Fozzie
Right! Right! That's exactly right. How many mimes have you seen doing that? Huh?
Floyd
Only one. And he got killed doing it.
Fozzie
Killed?
Floyd
Well, come to think of it, he wasn't a mime. He was just some guy who tried to feed an elephant spaghetti. They hate Italian food. (chuckles)
Gonzo watches from upstairs.
Fozzie
That's a terrific idea for my finish in this act! Okay, here. (demonstrates) See, I feed the spaghetti, and the elephant takes, takes my hand with his trunk, and then wraps around my neck, and he takes me down — (falls down, then gets up) Aah!
Floyd
(to viewer) The brain of the bear has gone bye-bye.
He ankles away. Gonzo knocks on the dressing room door.
Dressing Room[]
Shields and Yarnell put on their eyeliner. Gonzo knocks on the door and peers in.
Gonzo
Hi, guys. Mind if I come in?
They smile, and go about their makeup. Gonzo walks towards them.
Gonzo
Boy, you look happy. (sigh) I'm not happy.
They make sad faces.
Gonzo
(sigh) I'm miserable. See, I gotta come up with an act for next week's show. You guys know the kind of acts I do?
Yarnell nods, and makes a funny face.
Gonzo
That's it! That's exactly what I do. Listen, if you were me, what would you recommend?
She points him to Shields, who warms up his hands.
Gonzo
He's gonna show me.
Shields mimes playing the piano. He loosens his fingers, straightens his hair, sits on the bench, lifts the piano cover, examines the sheet music, then starts playing.
Gonzo
Yeah? … Uh huh. Yeah? Mm-hm. Yes. Yes, okay, I think I got it. Yes? This is — that's fantastic! How does he do it? That's exactly my new act! Fantastic! I can see it all now — Gonzo, massaging a snake! Whoopee!
The mimes both freeze, with confusion on their faces. Gonzo runs out of the room.
Shields & Yarnell
Massaging a snake?
They shrug, and continue with their makeup.
UK Spot[]
Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.
Quongo
I've been around the world, Had my pick of any girl. You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.
The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Quongo
Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Little people
(groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.
Quongo
All the applause, all the parades, And all the money I have made…
Little people
Can you spare a dime?
Quongo
Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people
Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo
Listen, all you fools out there —
Little people
Oh yeah? What?
Quongo
Go on and love me! I don't care!
Little people
(groaning)
Quongo
Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo
Oh, it's lonely at the to—AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)
Applause.
Wild West[]
A saloon, evening. Beauregard the bartender wipes a table. A bow-legged, cross-eyed cowboy (Yarnell) enters and sits at a table. A gunsmith (Shields) enters on his invisible horse, shooting an invisible gun. He falls off, then sits down by the cowboy.
Shields
Howdy, partner.
Beauregard
Well, I'll just see what these two buckaroos want.
Yarnell watches as Shields deals the invisible cards.
Yarnell
(to Beauregard) What's the matter, never seen anyone shuffle cards before?
Beauregard
Before, yes. Now, no.
Shields
Bartender, get us two sarsaparillas!
Beauregard
Yes, sir.
Shields
Okay, let's play some poker. All right.
He deals an invisible hand to both of them. They each look at their cards, glancing at each others' hands. They both put some money on the table.
Shields
I call ya!
They lay down their hands.
Shields
That's four kings.
Yarnell
That's a pair o' threes.
Shields
Four kings.
Yarnell
Pair o' threes!
Shields
That's four kings!
Yarnell
Threes!
Shields
Kings!
Yarnell
Threes!
Shields
Kings!
Yarnell
Threes!
Shields
Kings!
Yarnell
Threes!
Shields
Kings!
Yarnell
Oh yeah?
They get in a fistfight. Shields turns into Yarnell's punching bag. Yarnell takes a small break from punching to address the audience.
Yarnell
He's always cheatin' me!
Shields goes down with one final blow. He stumbles to the bar, and removes his invisible gun from his holster.
Beauregard
Say, we don't allow no gunfights in here, mister.
Shields does some fancy gun work, then fires Beau's hat clean off.
Beauregard
Have a nice fight.
Yarnell
(looks at cards) Ya know, he is right. It is four kings.
The big standoff begins. They walk up to each other.
Yarnell
One, two, three.
They turn away. Shields steps three paces and turns. Yarnell fires, and Shields goes down with a bang. Yarnell takes a swig, throws the invisible glass in the air and shoots it. Yarnell blows his gun and it goes off again, propelling him to the window.
Hey, Kermit, Kermit, I am all ready with my mime act.
Kermit
Oh, good, uh, 'cause you're on next.
Fozzie
Yeah, yeah. Hey, I've really got some original ones, too. My opening is dynamite! Watch this.
Kermit
Yeah?
Fozzie
"Bear watching a tennis match between two turtles." Ahem.
He rests his head on Kermit's desk, then moves his head back and forth.
Kermit
Uh ... uh, Fozzie, that's a little slow for an opener.
Fozzie
You're right. I'll switch it to giraffes.
He does the same thing, only looking up this time.
Kermit
Uh, that's better.
Fozzie
Much better!
Kermit
… Well, it's better.
Fozzie
Hey, hey, then there is this classic!
Kermit
Uh huh.
He mimes steering a car, then opening the door, and yelps.
Fozzie
Huh? Huh? Huh? (Kermit shakes his head) The frog is shaking his head? Shaking his head at the classic, "Bear going to drive-in movie with porcupine"?
Kermit
Uh, Fozzie …
Fozzie
Yes, yes?
Kermit
Uh, you see, Shields and Yarnell have made a career out of mime.
Fozzie
Yeah.
Kermit
They've worked very hard to perfect it, and if you go out there —
Fozzie
Oh, yeah, yeah, right. They'll suffer by comparison. I understand. You do not want me to show up your guests.
Kermit
Uh …
Fozzie
Tell you what. (discreetly) I'll lay back a little.
Kermit
No no no, don't do that.
Fozzie
You're right. I'll give it my best shot. Kermit, it's a cruel business.
Kermit
Uh, it certainly is. I'll go introduce you. (walks on stage)
Fozzie
Okay. "Bear walking on stage"! (walks)
Fozzie's mime act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, our own Fozzie Bear is making his debut in the classic art of mime. Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie
Hiya hiya hiya! Thank you, thank you, and thank you, Mr. Frog! All right! Here is my first mime! Picture if you will, a bear watching a tennis match between two giraffes.
He prepares himself, then does the routine. He gets limited applause.
Fozzie
Uh … uh, between two turtles? Huh? (lowers his head and does it again) See, they're slow … all right. Uh, now, picture if you will, a bear at a drive-in movie, with a porcupine. Ahem.
Waldorf
Hey! What's the name of the movie playing at the drive-in?
Fozzie
Uh — I don't know! What's the point?
Statler
You'll find out if you're there with a porcupine!
Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie
Uh, all right. Moving right along. Ahem. As you all know, elephants hate spaghetti. So with that in mind, picture if you will —
Statler
Wait a minute! Italian elephants don't hate spaghetti! They love it!
Fozzie
Uh, this is not an Italian elephant! This one hates spaghetti! Do you mind? (tries to do the act) See, see, then he's — oop — he's got me by the throat! Aah! And then he's trying to kill me! AAGH!
Statler
He might as well! You've been dying all night! He'll put you out of your misery!
Waldorf
He'll put us out of ours, too.
Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie
See, see, he's got — he's on — he's …
The audience starts booing.
Fozzie
Wait, you don't — this is art! Please! I … I … (sadly) Picture if you will, a bear, crawling offstage, helpless.
He crawls offstage, helpless. Applause as his fanfare plays.
Waldorf
I don't understand him. Why doesn't he do something clever, like walking upstairs or walking against the wind?
Okay! Well, so far, we have certainly proved that our very special guest stars are masters of the art of mime. Well, here they are now to show you that they do everything good too. Ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell!
The curtain opens, revealing a circus setting with an audience full of Muppets. Shields and Yarnell come out dressed as acrobats, dancing and tumbling to the music.
Muppets
Make 'em laugh! Make 'em laugh! Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?
Fozzie
My dad said "Be an actor, my son…"
Muppets
"… but be a comical one!"
Shields
Okay, you want comedy? You got it! It's animal impression time! Do I hear any requests?
Blue man
How about a gorilla?
Shields
A gorilla! Terrific.
Quongo trembles with excitement as Shields assumes the mannerisms of a gorilla. Ta-da!
Quongo
Boy oh boy, magnificent! Heh heh! The guy's a genius! Heh heh!
Shields
Do I hear another one?
Leo
Uh, yeah, a lizard.
Shields
A lizard.
He crawls around, puffs his cheeks and jumps. Ta-da!
Lizard
Amazing! He looks just like Uncle Harry!
Shields
How about one more suggestion?
Gonzo
Would you consider a chicken?
Shields
(spins around) Hey! Haha …
He walks over to Gonzo, pretending to be attacked by a chicken. Camilla materializes next to Gonzo.
Gonzo
Give this guy the Nobel Prize!
Shields and Yarnell resume dancing.
Muppets
Make 'em roar! Make 'em scream! Take a fall, run a wall, split a seam! You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace, You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place, And then you get a great big custard pie in the face! Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em la-a-augh!
Yarnell takes a break to tap-dance as Animal plays the drums.
Muppets
Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …
Shields
Wait a minute, one last mime! Ladies and gentlemen, feeding spaghetti to an elephant!
Fozzie
Hold it! Ho, ho, please! Hold it! This man stole my biggie!
Yarnell
Aw, no he didn't!
Shields shoos him off the stage so they can finish.
Muppets
Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …
Shields and Yarnell do some final showboating as the music concludes. They take a bow as the audience applauds.
Goodnights[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Okay! Well, that just about wraps up another version of The Muppet Show! But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Shields and Yarnell! Yaaaay!
They come out and take a bow.
Yarnell
Kermit, we had an incredible time tonight.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Shields
Yeah. We did, and we want to thank Fozzie Bear for giving us that classic sketch, "Feeding spaghetti to an elephant".
Yarnell
That's right.
Fozzie
Aw, that's okay, I figured you need some quality material in your act.
Yarnell
We do, huh?
Gonzo
And thanks for showing me that chicken trick. It really works!
Yarnell
Any time.
Gonzo
Come on, girls!
Fozzie
What?
Chickens flock the stage.
Shields
Hey, Gonzo, it looks like you've really been busy.
Gonzo
Ha! Well, my coop runneth over.
Fozzie
Hahahahaha!
Kermit
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Yarnell roughhouses Shields, who in turn, roughhouses Fozzie, who in turn, roughhouses one of Gonzo's chickens as the credits roll.
Gonzo
Stop that!
Waldorf
Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.