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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 403: Shields & Yarnell.

Cold Open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Scooter Shields and Yarnell? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Shields and Yarnell.
TMS 403-1.jpg
They have assumed the roles of robots. Yarnell smears lipstick on her face while Shields rises out of his chair, then falls over.
Scooter Boy! Kermit's finally booked guest stars weirder than we are!
Shields rises from the floor, and they both face the camera.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, Shields and Yarnell! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf Hey, aren't we in the wrong place?
Statler I wish we were, but there's the frog.
Gonzo open 403.jpg
Gonzo vanishes as he plays his trumpet.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Hey, do we have a good one for you tonight? Don't ask, of course we do! Tonight's guest stars are those phenomenal artists of mime, Shields and Yarnell.
Scooter Boss! Boss! Bad news about the guest stars!
Kermit What is it, Scooter?
Scooter They're machines! Shields and Yarnell are robots!
Kermit (scowls) They are not.
Scooter They are so! They were just moving like this. (walks like a robot)
Kermit Scooter! Watch out for the orchestra pit!
Scooter (falls) WHOAAA! (crash!)
Kermit Boy. Right into the tuba. Hey, Tiny, would you give a blast on that thing?
With a toot, Scooter is launched back onto the stage.
Kermit Scooter, are you okay?
Scooter gets up, cross-eyed.
Scooter Fine, boss. J-just fine. (stumbles across the stage)
Kermit Okay, uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, "Take a Chance".
Scooter I did. I did.
Kermit Okay, "Take a Chance"!
Take a Chance on Me.JPG
The curtain opens. Green birds sing "Take a Chance on Me" while bouncing on telephone pole wires.
Statler That's what you'd call a wire act.
Waldorf On this show, everything's a wire act.
Statler Oh?
Waldorf Sure. You keep asking, "Wire they doing that?"
They chuckle.


The birds pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, nice number, birds. Very nice.
Bird Hey Kermit?
Kermit Yeah?
Bird Do we get paid extra for working on the high wire?
Kermit Uh, no.
Birds Cheap! Cheap!
They walk off in disgust. Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit Yeah, Fozzie?
Fozzie You know, Shields and Yarnell have been teaching me the subtle art of mime.
Kermit Mime. Uh-huh.
Fozzie Yeah, hey, watch this, okay? Tell me what it is. Ahem. (pretends to walk up the stairs) Ahh. Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Kermit Uh, "bear walking up stairs".
TMS 403-2.jpg
Fozzie Riiiiight! Okay, watch this, okay, tell me what this is now. (he slowly rises up) Huh? What's that? What's that?
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, look, I'm really kinda busy right now.
Fozzie I'll do it again.
Kermit Uh, "bear going up escalator".
Fozzie You got it! Aaahhh! Okay, now here is my biggie. Okay? Watch this. Ahem. (demonstrates)
Kermit (not looking at Fozzie) Uh, "bear walking against the wind".
Fozzie You weren't even looking.
Kermit I didn't have to. All mimes do walking against the wind. Fozzie, you've gotta be more original. (walks to the stage)

The Clinkers

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, our guest stars tonight are masters in the art of mime. Here they are, doing one of their classic sketches, "Robots Having Breakfast", ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell.
Open on a kitchen. As synthetic music plays, Mr. Clinker, wearing a robe and with a pipe in his mouth, mechanizes his way towards the table, briefly glancing at the camera and batting his eyebrows.
He and Mrs. Clinker move towards each other to give a hug. They both go to the table. Mrs. Clinker pours cereal and milk into both bowls as Mr. Clinker sits down. Mrs. Clinker sits down.
Mr. Clinker picks up the glass of orange juice, and pours it on himself. Mrs. Clinker does the same. They both spoon cereal onto themselves. Mrs. Clinker falls face-first into the bowl, then rises up. She spits cereal at Mr. Clinker, and they both fall on their backs, knocking over the table. Applause.
Statler Is that their act?
Waldorf Yep.
Statler How come they don't talk?
Waldorf Because it's mime.
Statler I thought you said it was theirs!
They look at each other in confusion.


Fozzie pretends to take something out of his hand, then looks up.
Fozzie Hey, Floyd, what am I doing? What am I doing? Okay β€” (demonstrates)
TMS 403-3.jpg
Floyd Hey, man, I don't know what kind of trip you're on, but I hope you bought a return ticket! (chuckles)
Fozzie Okay β€” what does it look like I'm doing?
Floyd Heh, it looks like you're feeding spaghetti to an elephant.
Fozzie Right! Right! That's exactly right. How many mimes have you seen doing that? Huh?
Floyd Only one. And he got killed doing it.
Fozzie Killed?
Floyd Well, come to think of it, he wasn't a mime. He was just some guy who tried to feed an elephant spaghetti. They hate Italian food. (chuckles)
Gonzo watches from upstairs.
Fozzie That's a terrific idea for my finish in this act! Okay, here. (demonstrates) See, I feed the spaghetti, and the elephant takes, takes my hand with his trunk, and then wraps around my neck, and he takes me down β€” (falls down, then gets up) Aah!
Floyd (to viewer) The brain of the bear has gone bye-bye.
He ankles away. Gonzo knocks on the dressing room door.

Dressing Room

Shields and Yarnell put on their eyeliner. Gonzo knocks on the door and peers in.
Gonzo Hi, guys. Mind if I come in?
They smile, and go about their makeup. Gonzo walks towards them.
Gonzo Boy, you look happy. (sigh) I'm not happy.
They make sad faces.
Gonzo (sigh) I'm miserable. See, I gotta come up with an act for next week's show. You guys know the kind of acts I do?
Yarnell nods, and makes a funny face.
Gonzo That's it! That's exactly what I do. Listen, if you were me, what would you recommend?
She points him to Shields, who warms up his hands.
Gonzo He's gonna show me.
Shields mimes playing the piano. He loosens his fingers, straightens his hair, sits on the bench, lifts the piano cover, examines the sheet music, then starts playing.
Gonzo Yeah? … Uh huh. Yeah? Mm-hm. Yes. Yes, okay, I think I got it. Yes? This is β€” that's fantastic! How does he do it? That's exactly my new act! Fantastic! I can see it all now β€” Gonzo, massaging a snake! Whoopee!
The mimes both freeze, with confusion on their faces. Gonzo runs out of the room.
Shields & Yarnell Massaging a snake?
They shrug, and continue with their makeup.

UK Spot

Quongo the gorilla hangs from the Empire State Building, singing "It's Lonely at the Top" The little people inside the building join him.

I've been around the world,
Had my pick of any girl.
You'd think I'd be happy, but I'm not.

Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo Ev'rybody knows my name.
Little people Who's that? (I dunno, J. Fred Muggs?)
Quongo But it's just a crazy game.
Little people What's goin' on up there?
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people

Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.

Quongo Listen to the band, they're playing just for me.
The little people play a brass solo on their tiny horns.
Quongo Listen to the people, praying just for me.
Little people (groaning) Ohh! Please get that monkey off my roof.

All the applause, all the parades,
And all the money I have made…

Little people Can you spare a dime?
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo doo doo.
Quongo Listen, all you fools out there β€”
Little people Oh yeah? What?
Quongo Go on and love me! I don't care!
Little people (groaning)
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the top.
Little people Doot doo-doo, doo doo-doo.
Quongo Oh, it's lonely at the toβ€”AAAAAAHHHH… (falls over)

Wild West

A saloon, evening. Beauregard the bartender wipes a table. A bow-legged, cross-eyed cowboy (Yarnell) enters and sits at a table. A gunsmith (Shields) enters on his invisible horse, shooting an invisible gun. He falls off, then sits down by the cowboy.
Shields Howdy, partner.
Beauregard Well, I'll just see what these two buckaroos want.
Yarnell watches as Shields deals the invisible cards.
Yarnell (to Beauregard) What's the matter, never seen anyone shuffle cards before?
Beauregard Before, yes. Now, no.
Shields Bartender, get us two sarsaparillas!
Beauregard Yes, sir.
Shields Okay, let's play some poker. All right.
He deals an invisible hand to both of them. They each look at their cards, glancing at each others' hands. They both put some money on the table.
Shields I call ya!
They lay down their hands.
Shields That's four kings.
Yarnell That's a pair o' threes.
Shields Four kings.
Yarnell Pair o' threes!
Shields That's four kings!
Yarnell Threes!
Shields Kings!
Yarnell Threes!
Shields Kings!
Yarnell Threes!
Shields Kings!
Yarnell Threes!
Shields Kings!
Yarnell Oh yeah?
They get in a fistfight. Shields turns into Yarnell's punching bag. Yarnell takes a small break from punching to address the audience.
Yarnell He's always cheatin' me!
Shields goes down with one final blow. He stumbles to the bar, and removes his invisible gun from his holster.
Beauregard Say, we don't allow no gunfights in here, mister.
Shields does some fancy gun work, then fires Beau's hat clean off.
Beauregard Have a nice fight.
Yarnell (looks at cards) Ya know, he is right. It is four kings.
The big standoff begins. They walk up to each other.
Yarnell One, two, three.
They turn away. Shields steps three paces and turns. Yarnell fires, and Shields goes down with a bang. Yarnell takes a swig, throws the invisible glass in the air and shoots it. Yarnell blows his gun and it goes off again, propelling him to the window.
Beauregard Poor feller. His finger went off accidentally.

The Snerfs

The Snerfs dance to "Little Brown Jug".


Fozzie Hey, Kermit, Kermit, I am all ready with my mime act.
Kermit Oh, good, uh, 'cause you're on next.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah. Hey, I've really got some original ones, too. My opening is dynamite! Watch this.
Kermit Yeah?
Fozzie "Bear watching a tennis match between two turtles." Ahem.
TMS 403-4.jpg
He rests his head on Kermit's desk, then moves his head back and forth.
Kermit Uh ... uh, Fozzie, that's a little slow for an opener.
Fozzie You're right. I'll switch it to giraffes.
He does the same thing, only looking up this time.
Kermit Uh, that's better.
Fozzie Much better!
Kermit … Well, it's better.
Fozzie Hey, hey, then there is this classic!
Kermit Uh huh.
He mimes steering a car, then opening the door, and yelps.
Fozzie Huh? Huh? Huh? (Kermit shakes his head) The frog is shaking his head? Shaking his head at the classic, "Bear going to drive-in movie with porcupine"?
Kermit Uh, Fozzie …
Fozzie Yes, yes?
Kermit Uh, you see, Shields and Yarnell have made a career out of mime.
Fozzie Yeah.
Kermit They've worked very hard to perfect it, and if you go out there β€”
Fozzie Oh, yeah, yeah, right. They'll suffer by comparison. I understand. You do not want me to show up your guests.
Kermit Uh …
Fozzie Tell you what. (discreetly) I'll lay back a little.
Kermit No no no, don't do that.
Fozzie You're right. I'll give it my best shot. Kermit, it's a cruel business.
Kermit Uh, it certainly is. I'll go introduce you. (walks on stage)
Fozzie Okay. "Bear walking on stage"! (walks)

Fozzie's mime act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, our own Fozzie Bear is making his debut in the classic art of mime. Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hiya hiya hiya! Thank you, thank you, and thank you, Mr. Frog! All right! Here is my first mime! Picture if you will, a bear watching a tennis match between two giraffes.
He prepares himself, then does the routine. He gets limited applause.
Fozzie Uh … uh, between two turtles? Huh? (lowers his head and does it again) See, they're slow … all right. Uh, now, picture if you will, a bear at a drive-in movie, with a porcupine. Ahem.
Waldorf Hey! What's the name of the movie playing at the drive-in?
Fozzie Uh β€” I don't know! What's the point?
Statler You'll find out if you're there with a porcupine!
Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie Uh, all right. Moving right along. Ahem. As you all know, elephants hate spaghetti. So with that in mind, picture if you will β€”
Statler Wait a minute! Italian elephants don't hate spaghetti! They love it!
Fozzie Uh, this is not an Italian elephant! This one hates spaghetti! Do you mind? (tries to do the act) See, see, then he's β€” oop β€” he's got me by the throat! Aah! And then he's trying to kill me! AAGH!
TMS 403-5.jpg
Statler He might as well! You've been dying all night! He'll put you out of your misery!
Waldorf He'll put us out of ours, too.
Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Fozzie See, see, he's got β€” he's on β€” he's …
The audience starts booing.
Fozzie Wait, you don't β€” this is art! Please! I … I … (sadly) Picture if you will, a bear, crawling offstage, helpless.
He crawls offstage, helpless. Applause as his fanfare plays.
Waldorf I don't understand him. Why doesn't he do something clever, like walking upstairs or walking against the wind?
Statler No way. The bear's got no imagination.
They shake their heads.

"Make 'Em Laugh"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay! Well, so far, we have certainly proved that our very special guest stars are masters of the art of mime. Well, here they are now to show you that they do everything good too. Ladies and gentlemen, Shields and Yarnell!
The curtain opens, revealing a circus setting with an audience full of Muppets. Shields and Yarnell come out dressed as acrobats, dancing and tumbling to the music.

Make 'em laugh! Make 'em laugh!
Don't you know everyone wants to laugh?

Fozzie My dad said "Be an actor, my son…"
Muppets "… but be a comical one!"
Shields Okay, you want comedy? You got it! It's animal impression time! Do I hear any requests?
Blue man How about a gorilla?
Shields A gorilla! Terrific.
Quongo trembles with excitement as Shields assumes the mannerisms of a gorilla. Ta-da!
Quongo Boy oh boy, magnificent! Heh heh! The guy's a genius! Heh heh!
Shields Do I hear another one?
Leo Uh, yeah, a lizard.
Shields A lizard.
He crawls around, puffs his cheeks and jumps. Ta-da!
Lizard Amazing! He looks just like Uncle Harry!
Shields How about one more suggestion?
Gonzo Would you consider a chicken?
Shields (spins around) Hey! Haha …
He walks over to Gonzo, pretending to be attacked by a chicken. Camilla materializes next to Gonzo.
Gonzo Give this guy the Nobel Prize!
Shields and Yarnell resume dancing.

Make 'em roar! Make 'em scream!
Take a fall, run a wall, split a seam!
You start off by pretending you're a dancer with grace,
You wiggle till they're giggling all over the place,
And then you get a great big custard pie in the face!
Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em la-a-augh!

Yarnell takes a break to tap-dance as Animal plays the drums.
Muppets Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …
Shields Wait a minute, one last mime! Ladies and gentlemen, feeding spaghetti to an elephant!
Fozzie Hold it! Ho, ho, please! Hold it! This man stole my biggie!
Yarnell Aw, no he didn't!
Shields shoos him off the stage so they can finish.
Muppets Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make 'em …
Shields and Yarnell do some final showboating as the music concludes. They take a bow as the audience applauds.


Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay! Well, that just about wraps up another version of The Muppet Show! But before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest stars, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Shields and Yarnell! Yaaaay!
They come out and take a bow.
Yarnell Kermit, we had an incredible time tonight.
Kermit Oh, good.
Shields Yeah. We did, and we want to thank Fozzie Bear for giving us that classic sketch, "Feeding spaghetti to an elephant".
Yarnell That's right.
Fozzie Aw, that's okay, I figured you need some quality material in your act.
Yarnell We do, huh?
Gonzo And thanks for showing me that chicken trick. It really works!
Yarnell Any time.
Gonzo Come on, girls!
Fozzie What?
Chickens flock the stage.
Shields Hey, Gonzo, it looks like you've really been busy.
Gonzo Ha! Well, my coop runneth over.
Fozzie Hahahahaha!
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Yarnell roughhouses Shields, who in turn, roughhouses Fozzie, who in turn, roughhouses one of Gonzo's chickens as the credits roll.
Gonzo Stop that!
Waldorf Just when you think this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
Statler What?
Waldorf It ends.
They chuckle.