The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 404: Dyan Cannon.
Cold Open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dyan Cannon! Whoooo! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Backstage, Beauregard sees a white puppy come down the stairs. | |
Beauregard | Who let that dog loose in here? |
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it rings and a voice comes out. He puts it to his ear. | |
Gonzo | Hello? … He's not home. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you! Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we've got a wonderful show for you tonight, because our very special guest star is Miss Dyan Cannon. But first, to get things star— |
The white puppy aggressively approaches Kermit, barking and gnawing his arm. | |
Kermit | What is this? A dog?! Uh, Piggy! Piggy! |
Miss Piggy | Yes? Yes? |
Kermit | Would you come take this dog off the stage? Get down! |
Miss Piggy | Oooo. Isn't that adoraboooo! |
Kermit | It is not adorable. The dog is on the stage! |
Miss Piggy | (picks up the dog) Oh, is the funny furry Foo-Foo on Da-da's stage? |
Kermit | I am not this dog's Da-da, Piggy. |
Miss Piggy | Pardonnez us, everyone. |
Kermit | "Pardonnez us, everyone"? What's that? |
Miss Piggy | That is French. |
Kermit | (mocking) "Pardonnez us, everyone"! |
Miss Piggy | All vous knows is swamp talk. |
Kermit | Will you just get this dog off the stage? |
Foo-foo barks at Kermit. | |
Miss Piggy | Kermie, Kermie — Foo-foo only wants to say hello to Da-da. |
Kermit | He wants to rip off my flipper. |
Miss Piggy | Ohh. Make friends, make friends — say oo-dee-boo-boo-boo! Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo-boo! |
Kermit | Say what? Say "oo-dee-boo-boo-boo"? |
Miss Piggy | Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. |
Kermit | Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. Now will you get off the stage?! |
Miss Piggy | Oh, come here, Foo-foo. |
Kermit | Off, off! |
Miss Piggy | Oh, let's leave old bad-tempered froggy alone now. Oo-dee-boo-boo-boo. (exits) |
Kermit | Oo-de … Dumb dog. Anyhow, uh, as an opening number, uh, you know, there are a lot of complaints today about wild-eyed youth playing mindless rock. Well, to counteract that, here are some wild-eyed old people playing mindless rock! Ladies and gentlemen, Geri and the Atrics! Yaaaay! |
Geri and the Atrics perform "Hound Dog". | |
Waldorf | Bravo! Bravo! Oh, they were terrific. |
Statler | Well, they should be! They've been practicing since 1908! |
They chuckle. |
Backstage[]
"Civilization"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | (humming fanfare) Dum da-da dum dum dummmmm! (the orchestra echoes him) That's what I said! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of Hollywood's nicest ladies. She's a wonderful actress, a terrific director, and a doer of goofy stuff, like the following. Ladies and gentlemen, miss Dyan Cannon! Yaaaayyy! |
Open on a jungle setting. Drums are hears in the distance as animals make their noises. Pan up to Dyan, in jungle attire, letting out a jungle call. Quongo stands beside her, grunting. | |
Dyan |
Oh, bongo, bongo, bongo, I don't want to leave the Congo, oh no no no no no — isn't that right, darling? |
She swings on a vine and lands among the other animals. | |
Dyan & animals |
Don't want no bright lights, false teeth, doorbells, landlords, we'll make it clear, |
Three pig photographers approach Dyan and start taking her picture. | |
Dyan |
They hurry like savages to get aboard a subway train. |
Quongo throws a coconut; she catches it and poses for the pigs. | |
Dyan | Uncivilized pictures that the camera takes of me. |
She bonks them with the coconut. The animals cheer. | |
Dyan & animals |
So bongo, bongo, bongo, we don't want to leave the Congo, oh no no no no no! |
Dyan | Don't want no penthouse, bathtub, discos, taxis, noise in our ear. |
Dyan & animals | So, no matter how they coax us, we'll stay right here. |
She and Quongo play a bongo solo as the animals dance and make noise. Some penguin tourists join in the fun. | |
Dyan & animals |
So bongo, bongo, bongo, we don't want to leave the Congo, oh no no no no no! |
Dyan | Don't want no shotgun, jailhouse — |
Alligator 1 | Junk food… |
Alligator 2 | Punk rock… |
Penguin | Sitcoms… |
Bird | Litterbugs… |
Kangaroo | Smokestacks… |
Tiger | Pipeline… |
Bird 2 | Freeways… |
Quongo | Beer cans… |
Statler & Waldorf | Muppet shows … |
Dyan |
We'll make it clear, |
Dyan & animals |
We'll stay right here! |
Applause. | |
Statler | Was that Dyan? |
Waldorf | Sure it was! Didn't you recognize her? |
Statler | I thought she wore a black patch over one eye. |
Waldorf | No no no, that's her sister, Marsha Dyan. |
They chuckle. |