Muppet Wiki

Kermiteye.png Welcome to Muppet Wiki!

Please visit Special:Community to learn how you can contribute.


Muppet Wiki

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 405: Victor Borge.

Cold open

Dressing room. Scooter knocks, and walks in on Victor playing "Minuet in G Major" on piano.
Victor Come in.
Scooter Victor Borge?
Victor Oh, hi, Scooter.
Scooter Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Borge.
Victor Fine. I'll be ready when you're ready.
Scooter Say, uh, what's that you're playing?
Victor It's Beethoven. Any requests?
Bust of Beethoven Yes. (Victor stops) Don't play Beethoven.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Victor Borge! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf (to audience below) Don't despair! In half an hour, it'll be all over.
He and Statler chuckle.
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, he's tackled by a group of babies.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi-ho! Thank you, thank you and welcome to another one of those things we call The Muppet Show. Tonight, our very special guest star is that master of comedy and culture, Mr. Victor Borge. And we're all very excited about it, uh —
The Swedish Chef enters, playing a concertina and singing a melody.
Kermit … uh, especially the Swedish Chef. Chef! Uh, Chef. Uh, you know, Victor Borge is not Swedish. He's Danish.
The Chef dismisses Kermit, tossing away the concertina and walking off.
Kermit Well, uh, sorry about that. Anyhow, before we get to good things like guest stars, we have to pass through some strange and unknown territory, comme ça
Open on an urban apartment rooftop setting. Tenants and rats go about their business until a gang of scatting pigs pop up in the windows.
Mop lady Pigs!
Link, the gang leader, emerges.
Link Hogthrob

Everybody wants to be a macho, macho man,
To have the kind of body that's always in demand!

Link & pigs

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man! (Macho man, yeah!)
I've got to be a macho man! (Gotta be a…)
Macho, macho man! (Oh yeah!)
I've got to be a macho! (Hm! Yeah! Huh!)

Gonzo emerges, leading a gang of chickens. Patrol Bear Fozzie looks up as the chickens cluck to the music.
Gonzo All right! Come on now, girls! Come on, chicky-baby! Check my action! Come on, chicky! Check my action!

Everybody wants to be a macho, macho man,
To have the kind of body that's always in demand!

Gonzo & chickens

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man! (Macho!)
I've got to be a macho man! (I've gotta be a…)
Macho, macho man!
I've got to be a macho!

Bear on Patrol tms405.jpg
Fozzie confronts Link, and blows his whistle. A tenant drops a flower pot on Fozzie's head, knocking him out. Meanwhile, Gonzo and the chickens dance. Gonzo puts up his dukes towards a clothesline.
Gonzo Come on now, fight like a shirt!
POW! The shirt punches him.
Link & pigs

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Macho, macho man! (Macho man!)
I've got to be a macho man!

Gonzo & chickens

Macho, macho man! (Aaaah!)
I've got to be a macho! (All right!)

SPROING! Gonzo uses the clothesline to launch the chickens towards the pigs on the other side.
Link & pigs

Macho, macho man!
I've got to be a macho man!

Gonzo & chickens

(All right now!) Macho, macho man!
I've got to be a macho!

One of the chickens shoves a pig off the railing, and it lands on Fozzie as he blows his whistle. The pigs wave surrender flags.
Link & pigs I've got to be a macho!
Gonzo You're a bunch of sissies!
All I've got to be a macho!
Gonzo and the chickens cheer. Link sucks his thumb. Applause.
Waldorf They shouldn't allow gangs like that on the street.
Statler I'd rather have 'em on the street than on the stage.
They chuckle.


The pigs and chickens pass Kermit.
Kermit Okay. Nicely rumbled, there, gangs. ... Well done.
Chicken Thanks. Nice number.
Pigs Yeah.
Agent Uh, excuse me. You have a Bobby Benson workin' here?
Kermit Uh, yeah. He's downstairs rehearsing.
Agent Uh, thank you.
Scooter sees him walk away.
Scooter Say, who was that guy? I've seen him on television.
Kermit I don't know. He wanted to see Bobby.
Scooter (scratches his head) I wish I could remember the show.
Kermit I wish you could remember this show!
Scooter Oh! Right! Tell Mr. Borge to get ready for his opening number. (dashes off)


Meanwhile, the babies rehearse as Fozzie dances to the music.
Fozzie Yeah, terrific! Terrific! Hey Bobby, Bobby, they're just great.
Bobby Benson I know, I know, I know. Yeah.
Fozzie Just great. Yeah.
Agent You Bobby Benson?
Bobby Benson Well, I sure am.
Agent I'd like to talk to you someplace in private.
Bobby Benson Well gee, I dunno, the uh, the babies.
Fozzie Oh, it's okay — Bobby, I'll take care of the babies.
Bobby Benson Hey, thanks, Fozzie.
Fozzie Yeah.
Bobby Benson Uh, babies, take five.
As soon as Bobby and the agent exit, the babies begin acting up.
Fozzie Hey, babies! Hey babies! Hi! Hi! Hey, my name is Fozzie the bear. Yeah. Yeah. And I am going to tell you a whole bunch of funny stories.
Babies Stories?
Fozzie Yeah! All right! Did you hear the one about the two kangaroos?
The babies start attacking him.
Fozzie I guess they heard that one.
The babies resume attacking him.

Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, it is a great honor for me tonight to introduce our guest. He's truly one of the most distinguished and uh, funniest pianists in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borge.
Victor walks up to the piano and takes a bow. He takes his seat and is about to start playing, when Rowlf shows up.
Victor Ladies and gentlemen, there seems to be a dog on the stage.
Rowlf Well uh, I hope you don't mind. I'm just here to admire your technique. I play the piano too, you know.
Victor Oh, you do?
Rowlf Yeah.
Victor That is interesting.
Rowlf Yeah, I hope that's okay with you.
Victor Yes, it certainly is. I chase cats once in awhile myself. I hope that's alright with you.
Rowlf Listen, be my guest.
Victor No, you be my guest. Let's play something together.
Rowlf Hey! Can I do that?
Victor What do you know? Do you know anything? Maybe something by Bark. (chuckles)
Rowlf My Bach is worse than my bite. (chuckles)
Victor There are three Bachs, you know — Johann, Sebastian, and Offen Bach.
Rowlf I Offenbach ("often bark") myself. (chuckles)
Victor (chuckles) He is a witty dog. Okay, what do you want to play?
Rowlf Uh, how about, uh, how about Lizst's Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2?
Victor Ooh. Don't you know No. 1?
Rowlf (shakes head) Mm-mm.
Victor Okay. No. 2.
Rowlf I'll, I'll start and you try to follow me. Here we go!
Victor Okay.
Rowlf starts the vamp. Victor follows.
Victor (aside) That's not bad.
They continue the vamp.
Victor (aside) Marvelous.
They continue the vamp.
Rowlf Beautiful.
They continue the vamp.
Victor (aside) A talking dog.
They continue the vamp.
Victor (aside) Piano-playing, also.
They continue the vamp.
Victor I wonder how his violin playing is.
They continue the tune.
Rowlf Sometimes I fiddle around.
They continue the tune. Midway, Victor sits on the piano, and Rowlf goes up the keys.
Victor (aside) The cadenza.
Rowlf Mm-hmm.
Victor tickles the high notes.
Victor Something like this, this — this is really the way it goes.
Rowlf I see.
Victor Woof.
They continue the tune, taking turns on the up-tempo part and the finale. They shake hands. Applause.


Kermit Oh, Victor, hey, that was a nice number. Nice going, Rowlf.
Victor Oh, thank you, thank you very much. But I have a bone to pick with you: they gave me my fee for my performance, but look what I got instead.
It's a bone.
Kermit I think you must've gotten Rowlf's.
Rowlf Ooh! Hot dog! I just got a raise!
He takes the bone in his mouth and runs off. Victor laughs.
Victor Well, I'll tell you, I've worked for peanuts before. … Peanuts!
He takes a flower pot into the dressing room.
Bobby Benson Uh, Kermit, I'm just gonna step out for a few minutes with my friend.
Kermit Uh, that's fine, Bobby.
Bobby Benson Uh, have somebody watch the babies, will ya?
Kermit Why, sure.
Bobby Benson Not Fozzie. He doesn't seem to have the knack.
Kermit notices that Benson and the agent are handcuffed to each other.
Agent Come on, Benson, come on.
Kermit Uh, wait a minute.
Scooter Hey. I just remembered what TV show I saw that guy on. It was the 6:00 news! He's a cop!
Kermit I know.
The babies pop up, clamoring around Kermit.
Kermit Uh, the problem now, is who's going to take care of the babies.
He notices Piggy holding one of the babies, humming a lullaby.
Miss Piggy Hello, Kermie. Don't worry about the babies. I shall take care of them.
Kermit You, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Of course! I just love children. And they adore me!
She leads the babies upstairs.
Kermit I don't believe this.
Miss Piggy Kermie — I'll make a wonderful mother someday.
Kermit (gulp)
She leads them to her dressing room.
Miss Piggy There you are. Come along, babies. (sings) The hills are alive, with the sound of music …
They wander into her dressing room.
Miss Piggy Come right in. That's right. That's right, babies. Just relax and enjoy yourselves. (shuts the door) And shut up!

"Rock Around the Clock"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, the singing rats!
Open on a dark living room with a ticking grandfather clock.

Hickory dickory dock.
The rat ran up the clock.
The clock struck one. (bong!)

He leads the rats in a rousing rendition of "Rock Around the Clock." Suddenly they all scurry and the music goes quiet except for the clock. Catgut emerges, looks around, yawns, and goes back to sleep. The rats resume singing and dancing.

Dressing room

In his dressing room, Victor plays "The Blue Danube" but keeps stopping because it sounds off.
Victor Something's wrong. Just a minute.
He pulls the sheet music from the compartment in his chair and puts it on the tray.
Victor "The Blue Danube." By Joe Strauss.
He plays again, following the notation closely. It comes out the same way.
Victor I was right!
He puts back the sheet music.

UK spot

Gonzo plays "Act Naturally" on the ukulele, which turns into a duet with his own reflection in the mirror.
Gonzo Hey, wait a minute. You can't do this.
Gonzo's reflection Why not?
Gonzo Well, you're a reflection. You're supposed to do just what I do.
Gonzo's reflection But you do ludicrous things.
Gonzo I do what?
Gonzo's reflection Ludicrous things.
Gonzo Of course I do. I'm an artist!

And all I gotta do is, act naturally.

They continue singing. Gonzo's reflection dons different outfits. They finish the song.
Gonzo's reflection That was terrible.

Moonlight Sonata

Fozzie knocks on Victor's door.
Victor Come in. But you have to be very quiet because I'm practicing.
Fozzie (whispers) Oh, Mr. Borge? Could I come in and hear you play?
Victor Yes, come right in, come right in.
Fozzie (loudly) Oh, terrific!
He slams the door, knocking down some items off the wall.
Victor Be quiet!
Fozzie Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. I'll be real quiet.
Victor Very good. Very good.
Fozzie Yeah. What're you gonna play?
Victor I'm going to play some Beethoven. I'm playing the Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven.
Fozzie Oh, go ahead! Yes!
Victor I don't think you would like it.
Fozzie Why?
Victor (shows him the sheet music) See what it says here? "Con molto tedioso."
Fozzie What does that mean?
Victor That means, "with great dullness". I didn't think you would like that, what with the way you came in here.
Fozzie No, go — please, please, for me?
Victor Okay. You'll have to be quiet.
Fozzie Okay. Shhh.
Victor Shhh. … That's the Spanish composer, El Beethoven.
He starts playing, but makes a mistake.
Fozzie You made a mistake.
Bust of Beethoven No. That's the way I wrote it.
Victor Oh! Thank you.
He begins playing again.
Victor Thank you.
Bust of Beethoven You're welcome.
They all nod off. Victor collapses on the piano, waking Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh! Mr. Borge. Mr. Borge!
Victor and the bust wake up.
Victor Is it all over?
Fozzie That was fascinating.
Victor You think that was fascinating? Well, you can come back later and watch me tie my shoes. (chuckles)
Fozzie Aaahhhh.

Dressing room

Scooter and Kermit walk over to Piggy's dressing room.
Scooter Gee, Miss Piggy and the babies seem to be getting along fine.
Kermit Yeah. I don't understand it. (knocks) Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Oh — Kermie! Uh, the babies and I are having a wonderful time! Uh, but don't come in now. I'm just — putting them down for their naps.
Kermit Okay. Uh, we'll stop by later and check you.
Scooter Yeah.
Miss Piggy (peers through the door crack) Uh, Scooter?
Scooter Hmm?
Miss Piggy Is Kermit gone?
Scooter He's going downstairs.
Miss Piggy Mm-hm. Get in here.
She lets him in. He is shocked at what he sees.
Scooter Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Don't say anything. Just close the door.
The babies wreak havoc in the dressing room — swinging, playing, babbling and making a mess.
Miss Piggy Scooter … get these babies outta here!!
Scooter Come on, babies. Come on.

The Swedish Chef

The Chef dances with two onions as he sings his theme song.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the onions aside.
Swedish Chef Today … (mock Swedish) … de türtlë.
He points to the pot.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … we måke the søupå. … de türtlë søupå, jå.
He waves a cleaver.
Swedish Chef Oh, türtlë.
He misses, as the turtle ducks his head in his shell.
Swedish Chef Türtlë? Where's the türtlë? Whëre åre yøü?
He reaches into the shell and is immediately bitten. The turtle peeks his head through the other side.
Swedish Chef Türtlë? Türtlë, türtlë, türtlë!
CHOP! He misses again.
Swedish Chef Türtlë … cøme cøme cøme cøme. Cøme cøme.
The turtle chuckles. The Chef picks up a blunderbuss.
Swedish Chef Økåy, türtlë … yøü gøttå de … cøme øn øüt, türtlë. Türtlë … whåt's thåt?
Two rifles poke out of the turtle's shell, aiming at the Chef.
Swedish Chef Türtlë! Nøøøøø!
BANG! Down goes the Chef.


Bobby Benson Hey Kermit, I'm back.
Kermit Oh, good. The babies are upstairs with Miss Piggy.
Bobby Benson Oh, fine.
Kermit Oh, and incidentally, Bobby, uh, what was that all about?
Bobby Benson Oh, just an unpaid debt.
Kermit Oh?
Bobby Benson Well, actually, I lost a lawsuit to the Tooth Fairy. Hahaha! I know.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de bøomå bøom?!?
Kermit Uh, take it easy, Chef! That wasn't my fault!
The Chef walks off, mumbling.
Miss Piggy Stay there. Stay there! Benson — oh! Aha. Mr. Benson? Your babies — come on, babies — they're all safe and sound.
Baby Bobby.
Bobby Benson Aww, thanks, Miss Piggy. Come on, babies, we're on next. Come on downstairs. Come on.
Miss Piggy Kermie — what a fulfilling experience this has been.
Kermit Uh, well, well, face it, Miss Piggy, you're, you're just not the motherly type.
Miss Piggy Oh, bu-but I am!
Baby Goo-goo mama.
Miss Piggy Yeah, come to mama — AAAAHHHH!
She accidentally knocks the baby off the balcony. It lands in Kermit's arms.
Kermit It's okay, Piggy, I caught him.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh! Thank goodness! Oh!
Baby Piggy mommy. Kermie daddy.
Miss Piggy Oh. Kermie?
Kermit Hmm?
Miss Piggy "Out of the mouths of babes…"
Kermit Listen, will you get on stage? You're on next. Come on, on stage, all you kids, come on.
Bobby Benson Okay, babies, let's go. Yeah, I know, I know.
Kermit Come on! Go! Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!

Grand Finale

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Bobby Benson conducting the Infant Symphony in Tchaikovsky's First Piano Concerto with our guest soloist, Mr. Victor Borge!
The curtain opens. Victor briefly stands on the piano bench and takes a bow.
Victor Ladies and gentlemen, it's my privilege now to play … uh, part of, rather, the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto, by … by, uh … by all means.
He sits on the bench.
Victor Uh, may I have the — is this the orchestra?
Bobby Benson Yep, that's my band.
The babies nod.
Victor Okay. If you are ready, please.
The babies begin the overture. Victor falls off the bench while playing.
Bobby Benson You all right? You all right there?
Victor Yeah, I got — I got too excited.
Bobby Benson I know, I know.
Victor It's a short piano, this. Okay, if you will try it again.
The babies begin the overture again, and the performance goes off without a hitch.
Victor deviates a little with "Twelve Variations on "Ah vous dirai-je, Maman." The babies respond with a little "Colonel Bogey March", and Victor concludes with "Pop Goes the Weasel". He slips off the bench right as they finish. Applause.


Kermit Okay, and so another Muppet Show has come to an end. But before we all sink slowly in the West, let us pause to say thank you to a very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Victor Borge! Yaaaayy!
Victor Thank you very much, Kermit. It has been a great experience, particularly the Baby Band.
Bobby and the babies come on-stage.
Bobby Benson Yeah, come on, babies. Mr. Borge, since you were our guest soloist tonight, the babies would like you to have this baton as a souvenir.
Victor Oh, but you have given me so much already.
Bobby Benson Like what?
Victor Well, chicken pox.
Bobby Benson (laughs) I know, I know.
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The credits roll as Fozzie plays with one of the babies.
Statler So Borge played The Muppet Show.
Waldorf Yep. Who won?
Statler This time, Victor was the loser!
They chuckle.