The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 406: Linda Lavin.
Cold open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Linda Lavin! Yaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Four chickens are seated with Statler and Waldorf in their box. | |
Waldrof | Now, watch this show carefully and you'll learn a lot about laying an egg! (laughs with Statler) |
As Gonzo blows his horn, he disappears in small portions (like a blind). |
Opening number[]
Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show! Hey, you're gonna have a great time tonight because our guest star is that terrific actress and star of musical comedy, Miss Linda Lavin! So, it's going to be a wonderful show! |
Miss Piggy steps in behind Kermit. | |
Piggy | Actually, it's not. |
Kermit | Miss Piggy! (crowd cheers) |
Piggy | Oh, thank you. Thank you. Kissy kissy! Thank you, thank you. Excusez-moi, Kermie. But, I have an announcement to make. |
Kermit | Yeah? What is that? |
Piggy | Tonight's show...is cancelled! |
Kermit | (stammers) B-but, you can't cancel the show! Uh, the first act is all ready to go on - Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler. |
Piggy | (shakes her head) No, he isn't. |
Kermit | "He isn't?" How come? |
Piggy | Because...Kermit the Frog... (timpani drumroll plays) ...this is your birthday! |
The curtains open. Linda, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Rowlf and Camilla enter, singing "Happy Birthday to You" as Piggy conducts them. | |
Gonzo | Speech! Speech! |
Kermit | I-I really don't know what to say. |
Linda | No, no. Sorry, we don't have time for speeches. We got too much to do! (all begin to scatter) |
Piggy | That's right! Off, off! Everyone off! Off, off! Backstage! Yes, close the curtains! Close them! That's it. |
Kermit | Okay. Well, uh, all right, folks, I don't know what that was all about. But, uh, at last we can get back to our show, so here's our first act - Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler! Yaaay! |
Kermit waves his arms and exits. Piggy remains put. | |
Piggy | I sent him home. |
Kermit | (re-enters) You did what? |
Piggy | Mm-hmm. |
Kermit | Yeah, b-but-but, this is supposed to be a show! What are people going to watch?! |
Piggy | What else? In honor of your birthday... |
Kermit | What? |
Music begins. | |
Piggy | (singing) I'll remember forever when I was but three |
Kermit | What is this? |
Piggy |
Mama, who was clever, remarking to me, |
Kermit | Yeah? |
Piggy | "You've got your future sewn up if you take this advice." |
Kermit | But, what is this? |
Piggy | Now! |
Kermit | Piggy! |
Piggy pushes Kermit offstage. The curtains open, revealing a set piece of Kermit's head, adorned with a birthday candle. A chorus of frogs dances in, wearing versions of Kermit's collar. They begin to sing their own version of "Be a Clown" - "Be a Frog." | |
Frogs |
Be a frog, be a frog |
Green Frog | Learn to croak (jump cut to blue frog) |
Blue Frog | Learn to hop! |
Frogs |
And you'll find you wind up on top |
A cow and horse enter, both with Kermit eyes and collars. | |
Cow |
If you're a cow, your diet will be nothing but hay |
Horse |
If you're a horse, they'll think that "neigh" is all you can say |
Company |
But folks'll sing about |
A chorus of pigs appear around the Kermit set piece, all resembling Kermit. A soloist pig appears in the foreground. | |
Pigs |
Be a frog, be a frog |
Male Pig |
You'll be sharp as a knife |
The pigs appear in a hexagon grid. | |
Pigs |
Swim in top, proper schools |
Robin appears in the center of the grid. | |
Robin |
Had a famous fairy tale and every day since |
The pigs and frogs all appear in a much larger grid. | |
Company | Be a frog, be a frog |
Piggy appears the center, in her own Kermit attire. | |
Piggy | Oh my golly, pollywog |
Company | Be a frog, be a frog, be a frog! |
Piggy bows, as the pigs and frogs ribbit. | |
Waldorf | Yeah, seriously, we should give the frog a birthday present. |
Statler | Like what? |
Waldorf | How 'bout a nice bottle of pig repellent! (both laugh) |
Backstage[]
Mr. Dawson / "The More I See You"[]
Backstage[]
UK spot[]
Robin, seated beside a small pond in a glade, sings "Frog Kissin'," accompanied by a trio of frogs in guitar and banjo. | |
Statler | Ever kissed a frog before? |
Waldorf | Never! |
Three frogs, including an elderly one pop up. | |
Elderly Frog | No time like the present! |
She kisses them both. She laughs as the geezers grimace. |