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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 406: Linda Lavin.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door.
Linda Come in.
Scooter Linda Lavin.
Linda Yes, Scooter?
Scooter Fifteen seconds to curtain, Linda.
Linda (brushing her hair) Oh, thanks.
Scooter Say, uh, can I get'cha anything?
Linda Well, you could make me a sandwich.
Scooter Okay, you're a sandwich.
BOOM! In a flash of smoke, Linda is turned into a sandwich.
Linda Everybody's a comedian.
Scooter laughs.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Linda Lavin! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Four chickens are seated with Statler and Waldorf in their box.
Waldrof Now, watch this show carefully and you'll learn a lot about laying an egg! (laughs with Statler)
Gonzo open 406.jpg
As Gonzo blows his horn, he disappears in small portions (like a blind).

Opening number

Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome to The Muppet Show! Hey, you're gonna have a great time tonight because our guest star is that terrific actress and star of musical comedy, Miss Linda Lavin! So, it's going to be a wonderful show!
Miss Piggy steps in behind Kermit.
Piggy Actually, it's not.
Kermit Miss Piggy! (crowd cheers)
Piggy Oh, thank you. Thank you. Kissy kissy! Thank you, thank you. Excusez-moi, Kermie. But, I have an announcement to make.
Kermit Yeah? What is that?
Piggy Tonight's cancelled!
Kermit (stammers) B-but, you can't cancel the show! Uh, the first act is all ready to go on - Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler.
Piggy (shakes her head) No, he isn't.
Kermit "He isn't?" How come?
Piggy Because...Kermit the Frog... (timpani drumroll plays) ...this is your birthday!
The curtains open. Linda, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Floyd, Rowlf and Camilla enter, singing "Happy Birthday to You" as Piggy conducts them.
Gonzo Speech! Speech!
Kermit I-I really don't know what to say.
Linda No, no. Sorry, we don't have time for speeches. We got too much to do! (all begin to scatter)
Piggy That's right! Off, off! Everyone off! Off, off! Backstage! Yes, close the curtains! Close them! That's it.
Kermit Okay. Well, uh, all right, folks, I don't know what that was all about. But, uh, at last we can get back to our show, so here's our first act - Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler! Yaaay!
Kermit waves his arms and exits. Piggy remains put.
Piggy I sent him home.
Kermit (re-enters) You did what?
Piggy Mm-hmm.
Kermit Yeah, b-but-but, this is supposed to be a show! What are people going to watch?!
Piggy What else? In honor of your birthday...
Kermit What?
Music begins.
Piggy (singing) I'll remember forever when I was but three
Kermit What is this?

Mama, who was clever, remarking to me,
"If dear, when you grow up, you want everything nice..."

Kermit Yeah?
Piggy "You've got your future sewn up if you take this advice."
Kermit But, what is this?
Piggy Now!
Kermit Piggy!
Piggy pushes Kermit offstage. The curtains open, revealing a set piece of Kermit's head, adorned with a birthday candle. A chorus of frogs dances in, wearing versions of Kermit's collar. They begin to sing their own version of "Be a Clown" - "Be a Frog."

Be a frog, be a frog
All the world loves a frog

Green Frog Learn to croak (jump cut to blue frog)
Blue Frog Learn to hop!

And you'll find you wind up on top
Dress in green, bug your eyes
If you wink, they'll think you're so wise

A cow and horse enter, both with Kermit eyes and collars.

If you're a cow, your diet will be nothing but hay


If you're a horse, they'll think that "neigh" is all you can say


But folks'll sing about
How you went courtin' one day
Be a frog, be a frog, be a frog

A chorus of pigs appear around the Kermit set piece, all resembling Kermit. A soloist pig appears in the foreground.

Be a frog, be a frog
All the world loves a frog

Male Pig

You'll be sharp as a knife
As you climb the tadpole of life!

The pigs appear in a hexagon grid.

Swim in top, proper schools
You'll be asked to all the best pools

Robin appears in the center of the grid.

Had a famous fairy tale and every day since
I haven't had much trouble when I try to convince
The ladies, if they kiss me, they'll be kissing a prince

The pigs and frogs all appear in a much larger grid.
Company Be a frog, be a frog
Piggy appears the center, in her own Kermit attire.
Piggy Oh my golly, pollywog
Company Be a frog, be a frog, be a frog!
Piggy bows, as the pigs and frogs ribbit.
Waldorf Yeah, seriously, we should give the frog a birthday present.
Statler Like what?
Waldorf How 'bout a nice bottle of pig repellent! (both laugh)


Kermit grimaces and shakes his head as Piggy and three pigs pass by.
Piggy Oh, yes, that was fabulous! Oh ho, you pigs make wonderful frogs!
Kermit Uh, hey, us frogs make pretty good frogs too, ya' know.
Zuzu Fitzwaller approaches Kermit at his desk.
Zuzu cancelled my act.
Kermit Oh, good grief. It's Zuzu Fitzwaller, the Hungarian Water Juggler. Uh, lis-listen, Zuzu. I-I'm sorry about that, you see, but i-it wasn't me. I didn't cancel the act.
Zuzu I practiced and I practiced! I was going to juggle a whole bucket full! (sobs)
Kermit I-is it hard?
Zuzu The trick is hard, the water's soft. (resumes crying)
Kermit Oh, I-I'm sorry that the act was canceled, Zuzu.
Zuzu My girl, Gloria, came all the way from Pittsburg to see me... (resumes crying)
Kermit Well, I-I tell you what. Li-listen, you're back on! I'm gonna go introduce you right now, Zuzu. (exits)
Zuzu Wha, yes?
Piggy enters, as Fozzie rushes by in the background. Zuzu looks toward the stage eagerly.
Piggy All right, uh, Fozzie! Stand by, yeah, for the, uh, first of the special guests. Go, go, go! Uh...Fitzwaller?
Zuzu Yes?
Piggy (light chuckle) I thought I told you - you got the axe.
Zuzu makes his way to the stage, sobbing once more.

Mr. Dawson / "The More I See You"

Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, and especially Gloria, at this time, I take great pride in presenting, uh...
As Kermit speaks, Zuzu wanders in behind, sobbing. He rushes up to the front of the stage.
Zuzu Oh, Gloria! I'm not going to be on! They gave me the axe! (sobs)
Kermit No, no, no, no, no, wait a second, Zuzu...
Zuzu exits, crying, as Fozzie steps out of the curtains.
Fozzie Yes, Kermit the Frog....
Kermit Hmmm?
Fozzie This is your birthday! Yes, yes, yes! We have a whole evening of birthday greetings planned for you!
Kermit Oh no.
Miss Piggy, Rowlf, Gonzo, Scooter, a pig, Zuzu, Beauregard and Linda watch from the wings.
Linda How's it going, Piggy?
Piggy Oh, wonderful!
Linda Piggy, you've made such a wonderful night for Kermit.
Piggy Ah, yeah, well, I would do anything for my Kermie. I am pulling out all stops!
Linda Really going hog wild, huh?
Miss Piggy grimaces and stares at Linda as everyone laughs, and Zuzu cries. Gonzo gives Piggy a tap on the arm.
Linda It's a figure of speech.
Back on the stage...
Fozzie Kermit the Frog, here is the first of your birthday greetings. Do you recognize this voice?
Mr. Dawson (off-screen) Kermit, do you remember all the time we spent working on breathing exercises?!
Kermit Oh...I-I don't believe it. I-it's Mr. Dawson, my old acting coach!
Fozzie Yes! All the way from Leland, Mississippi...
Kermit Yeah?!
Fozzie ...your old acting coach, Mr. Dawson!
The curtains open and Mr. Dawson steps out, flailing his arms about and shouting with joy. The two frogs embrace, then flail and shout together.
Kermit Oh, Mr. Dawson! How great to see you!
Mr. Dawson Oh, it's wonderful to be here!
Kermit Oh!
Mr. Dawson What a terrific birthday party this is! Ahhh! (flails his arms)
Kermit (waving his arms as well) I don't believe it! It's my old acting teacher!
Mr. Dawson Yes, what a treat! Ahhh! (exits)
Fozzie So, that's where he learned that!
Zuzu (appearing onstage) Gloria! I'll meet you in the parking lot after the show! (sobs)
Kermit Uh, Zuzu...Zuzu, listen, I meant to tell you...
Mr. Dawson (re-entering) Young man, young man! That is no way to cry onstage!
Zuzu What?
Mr. Dawson If you're gonna cry, cry! Waaaa!
Mr. Dawson waves his arms as he pretends to cry. Zuzu waves his bucket around, imitating. Fozzie whips out a tissue and starts crying as well.
Kermit Listen the stage! Off, off, off, out, out, out! Off, out, out, out! (ushers everyone offstage) Uh, I gotta introduce our guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Linda Lavin!
The curtains open, revealing Linda, the Electric Mayhem and a trio of back-up frogs. The band vamps in between Linda's lines.
Linda I wanna dedicate this song to Kermit. On your birthday, Kermit. Ay, happy birthday. Guys, let 'er rip!
Linda and the group perform "The More I See You." After the song, Statler looks over the edge of the box toward the house.
Waldorf Hey, what are you doing?
Statler I dropped my gum. Hey, lady! Would you toss my gum up?
A blonde wig is thrown up into the theater box.
Statler You coulda taken it out of the wig first!
Waldorf (laughs)


Linda walks down from the dressing rooms backstage to the Swedish Chef.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Linda!
Linda So glad to see ya'! I was hoping we could get a chance to talk. I'm a great admirer of your work.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) P'shaw.
Linda Well, I mean it sincerely.
Swedish Chef Yeah?
Linda Yeah.
Swedish Chef Oh.
Linda So, what have you done for Kermit's birthday? Somethin' special, huh?
Swedish Chef Oh! (mock Swedish) Smorgas-froggy! Hmm?
The Swedish Chef reveals his project - a a slab of copped liver carved in Kermit's likeness.
Linda Is that a, uh...frog made out of chopped liver?
Swedish Chef Ja, ja, ja! (mock Swedish) chopped liver-froggy! (hums)
Linda ...chopped liver frog. Isn't that somethin'? Sure is original and sure does look like Kermit.
Swedish Chef Mmm-hmm.
Linda Except, um, that you forgot the eyes.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) forgot de googlies? Oooo...
Linda Yeah, but wait, look. I-with these, uh, eggies, you can make googlies. Look. (places eggs on the sculpture) How 'bout that?
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) de googlies.
Linda What do you think?
Swedish Chef Oh! Mmmm, mmm.
Linda (places the pupils on the eyes) And little pieces of, you know, pimento? Looks good?
Swedish Chef (inspecting the piece) Ja, ja! De Kermie googlies.
Linda It's really nice.
Swedish Chef Mmm-hmmm.
Linda Except it's not green.
Swedish Chef (inquisitive mock Swedish)
Linda Uh, green. Well, it's a frog. Kermit is green. But, uh...
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Linda Well, it's all right. He's...he's, uh, tan and, uh...
Swedish Chef (interjects in mock Swedish)
The Swedish Chef grabs a can of green spray paint.
Linda No, uh...oh, no. You do't, uh, you don't wanna, uh, spray it with spray paint...
The Swedish Chef spins his creation around, spraying it green. He hums "Bein' Green" to himself as he does so. Applause sounds when he finishes and probes Linda for her opinion.
Linda Well, uh, I've heard of liverwurst, but liver-terrible.

UK spot

Robin, seated beside a small pond in a glade, sings "Frog Kissin'," accompanied by a trio of frogs in guitar and banjo.
Statler Ever kissed a frog before?
Waldorf Never!
Three frogs, including an elderly one pop up.
Elderly Frog No time like the present!
She kisses them both. She laughs as the geezers grimace.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Nurse Piggy inspects a cart of medical equipment, getting her snout stuck. She then pulls it loose and approaches the operating table.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Okay, where's the first patient, Nurse Janice?
Janice Here he is, Dr. Bob. Little Robin.
Dr. Bob pulls down the covers and finds Robin on the operating table.
Rowlf Ah!
Piggy (gasps)
Rowlf That doesn't look like a robin. Looks like a little toad. (all medics laugh)
Robin I'm not a toad, I'm a frog! My name is Robin.
Rowlf "Robin." That's a dumb name for a frog.
Robin Yeah? Wait 'til I tell my Uncle Kermit.
Rowlf Oh, yeah, Kermit. I forgot about him. Dumb names must run in the family. (laughs with Janice)
Janice Oh, fer sure.
Piggy Ah. (clears throat) Cool it, Dr. Bob, or your name'll be "Mud." Hmm.
Rowlf Oh, sorry. I forgot about you and the frog.
Piggy Mmm-hmmm. That's all right. Oh, but, just be careful of my dear little dear here. He'll soon be a relative of mine.
Robin What?!
Piggy Mmm-hmmm. When I marry your Uncle Kermie, I'll become your Aunt Piggy. (kisses Robin)
Robin (grimaces) Yuch.
Piggy Why you-
Rowlf Uh, wait, wait, wait. I can't let you harm the patient. I'm a doctor, that's my job! (laughs with Janice)
Robin Listen, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm only here because it's a salute to frogs.
Piggy Hmph. The night is young. (Rowlf laughs)
Janice Dr. Bob, I haven't had a line in five minutes!
Rowlf Count your blessings.
Janice Well, one, I'm rully beautiful... (Piggy groans)
Rowlf To yourself.
Janice To everybody! (medics all groan)
Robin I don't understand this. Can I go now?
Rowlf No, not 'til we come to the end.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
The medics all search for the source of the voice. Piggy then puts Robin's arm in a stranglehold.
Announcer Tune in next week where you'll hear Robin say...
Robin OW, Miss Piggy, you're hurting my arm!
Piggy Say it!
Robin Uncle! (her grip tightens) Ah, Aunt!
Piggy Awww.
Janice Fer sure.
Piggy lets go as they all laugh. Piggy gives Robin another kiss.

"It Was a Very Good Year"

Waldorf You know, I hate to admit it, but I'm enjoying Kermit's birthday party.
Statler Yeah, me too. Hey, when was your last birthday, Waldorf?
Waldorf (chuckles) Years ago. Eh.
Statler (laughs) Yeah, I stopped havin' 'em too. (both laugh)
Waldorf Yep.
Statler Yeah. Still, there were some pretty good years.
Waldorf Oh, there were some very good years.
Statler Yeah. Huh. When I was seventeen... (music begins)
Waldorf Hmm?
Statler It was a very good year.
Waldorf Yeah. (singing)

It was a very good year
For small town girls and soft summer nights...

Statler Oh, yes.

We'd hide from the lights

Waldorf (chuckles) You too, huh?
Statler Mmmm.

On a village, green


When we were seventeen

Statler (laughs with Waldorf, then sighs) Oh.

When I was twenty-one

Waldorf Yeah?

It was a very good year

Waldorf Hmmm.

It was a very good year
For city girls who lived up the stair

Waldorf Heh, yeah.

With perfumed hair

Waldorf Hmmm?

That came undone

Waldorf Hmmm.

When I was twenty-one (chuckles)

Waldorf Yeah. I don't remember that long ago.
Statler (laughs)
Waldorf How 'bout when you were sixty-three?
Statler Oh, that was a year!
Waldorf Hmm?
Statler Yeah.
Waldorf I broke my hip.
Statler Huh?
Waldorf Got to flirt with the nurse all year! (both laugh)
Statler Yeah, well, my third wife left me. Ah, what a terrific year. (both laugh) W-what about when you were seventy-four?
Waldorf Nah. That was the year my rheumatism came back.
Statler Yeah, so did my third wife. (both laugh)
Waldorf What a terrible year.
Statler Oh, indeed, yeah.

But now the days are short
I'm in the autumn of the year

Waldorf Huh.

Now I think of my life
As vintage wine from fine old kegs

Statler Hmm.

From the brim to the dregs


It poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year

Waldorf puts his arm around Statler as the two nod.

Wayne and Wanda

Kermit looks out onstage from the wings.
Kermit Oh, good grief! Nothing's onstage. (walks on to fanfare) Uh, uh, listen, ladies and gentlemen. I-I'm sorry that we haven't be able to get more of the regular show on so far, but I think now thinks are back to normal.
Scooter peeks out from behind the curtains.
Scooter Wanna bet?
Kermit Scooter, what are you doing out here?
Scooter (approaches Kermit) Kermit the Frog...this is your birthday!
Kermit (startled) Again?
Scooter You recognize these voices?
Wanda (off-screen) Kermit, we really enjoyed the year we spent on your show.
Wayne (off-screen) Yes, there were great times.
Kermit Oh, I don't believe it! I-it's our ol' singing duo, Wayna and Wanda!
The curtains open, revealing Wayne and Wanda. They all embrace.
Wayne Kermit!
Kermit Oh, look at us!
Wayne Oh, Kermit!
Kermit Oh, hi, Wanda! Hello, Wayne! Ah, you look wonderful! Yeah! Oh, i-it must be nearly a year since we've seen each other.
Wanda Well, it's twenty-six months, exactly. (giggles)
Wayne Hmmm. Since the day you fired us!
Wanda Right.
Kermit (stammers) Fired you? Di-did I do that?
Wanda Oh, don't worry, Kermit. We're getting along just great.
Kermit Oh, good.
Wayne Hmmm. I'm fulfilling my lifetime ambition as a manual laborer!
Wanda Ah! Now, now, Wayne, you know we get along fine what with what we get from my mother...out of her pension money.
Wayne Hmmm. It's amazing how one can survive after one's career has been shot down.
Kermit is aghast over what he hears.
Wanda Yes. Uh, by the way, Kermit.
Kermit Hmm?
Wanda Why did you fire us?
Kermit Oh, I-I don''s been such a long time ago, I don't really remember why I fired you. I-I tell you what.
Wanda What?
Kermit Right now, on this very spot, I'm gonna re-hire you!
Wayne and Wanda (gasp)
Kermit Yes!
Wayne No!
Kermit Yes I will! Ladies and gentlemen, here they are once again, Wayne and Wanda!
Wayne Wanda! Oh, Wanda, my dear.
The curtains open to a romantic backdrop as the orchestra begins to play "Ah, Sweet Mystery of Life."
Wayne and Wanda

Ah, sweet mystery of life
At last I've found you
(off-key) Noooowww....

Kermit rushes in and cuts them off.
Kermit Hey, wait, wait, now I remembered why I fired you! You're fired again! Get out, get out, get out!
Wayne But...but...twice? Twice?!
Kermit forces them off the stage.

Dressing room

Linda helps Piggy with her look for the closing number in the dressing room.
Piggy Oh, this next number means so much to moi. Oh, I am so tense!
Linda Yes, I know. (buttoning Piggy's outfit) You do seem to be...inhale, Piggy.
Piggy (inhales)
Linda Now, exhale.
Piggy (exhales)
Linda the breaking point. There you go. You're fine.
Piggy Will, that hold?
Linda Yes.
Piggy Oh, how do I look?
Linda Beautiful!
Piggy Oh, do you like-you like everything?
Linda I love it.
Piggy You like the shoe-
Miss Piggy bends over, when suddenly, her dress tears.
Piggy Oh no!
Linda What?
Piggy How bad is it?
Linda Where is it? Oh, Piggy, it's not good! Wait, um...
Piggy Oh no!
Miss Piggy rushes to the mirror to see the rip herself. She screams.
Scooter (off-screen) Onstage for the final number!
Linda Uh...oh, all right. Um, Piggy,, Piggy...
Piggy (simultaneously, panicked) "All right?!" I'm on! What do I do?!
Linda Piggy...
Linda snaps Piggy out of her episode by slapping her across the face. Her hair ends up covering most of her face.
Piggy ...thank you. (spits out hair) I needed that.
Linda (whispering) I'm sorry.
Scooter (off-screen) Curtain going up!
Linda Yes, all right!
Piggy (simultaneously) ALL RIGHT! (embraces Linda) Oh, what do I do, Linda?
Linda Piggy...
Piggy What do I do?! Oh...
Linda Uh...I could do the number.
Piggy ...dear, you could do the number! Oh, thank you!
Linda Oh, consider it done.
Linda kisses Piggy's hand and exits.
Piggy Ah, she could do the...she could do the number!? Must have been the slap.

"Beyond the Blue Horizon"

Kermit enters onstage.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I promise there will be no more of this "birthday" nonsense. Instead, let us just sit back and enjoy our talented and charming guest star, the wonderful, Miss Linda Lavin!
A stage hook grabs Kermit and drags him offstage. The curtains slowly open, revealing Linda atop a large, silhouetted set piece. She begins to sing "Beyond the Blue Horizon."

Beyond the blue horizon
Waits a beautiful day
Goodbye to things that bore you
Joy is waiting for you

You'll see a new horizon
Your life has only begun
Beyond the blue horizon
Lies a rising sun!

The set illuminates, revealing it to be a large birthday cake. Fozzie and Gonzo lead Kermit to the top, followed by several other Muppets, as they sing the verse twice more. Kermit comments as they make their way up, and Linda descends.
Gonzo Come on, Kermit! Come on!
Kermit Uh, hey, hey! What's going on? Hey, c'mon guys! Stop pushing, Fozzie! Uh, uh...okay, do you have to push?! Uh, I don't like heights! I'm sorry about this, Linda.
Fozzie and Gonzo prop Kermit at the very top of the cake. Linda rises in the foreground as everyone builds to the big finale. Kermit grimaces.


Kermit appears in front of the closing number scenery.
Kermit Okay. Well, it's been a very surprising evening, particularly for me. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Linda Lavin! Yaaay!
Linda (entering) Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. I wanna tell you it's been a very great pleasure for me to be here and to be able to celebrate your birthday with everybody.
Kermit Uh...
Linda C'mon, everybody, let's go!
Scooter, Fozzie, Gonzo, Floyd, Camilla and Muppy enter.
Scooter Yeah?
Linda Fooorrrr....

He's a good good fellow
For he's a golly good fellow
For he's a golly good felloooowww

As they sing, a large cake is wheeled in behind them.
Kermit What is that?
On cue, Miss Piggy pops out from inside the cake.
Scooter Ahhh!
Piggy Happy birthday, Kermie!
Everyone laughs and cheers, until Kermit interjects.
Kermit Uh, uh, listen, listen, everybody! I'm sorry, but I have a very embarrassing announcement to make...
Piggy What?
Kermit Uh, well, today is not my birthday. It's about four months from now.
Muppets WHAT?!
Kermit Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! Listen, I-I-I can explain. You see...
Piggy Linda! Linda, did you hear that?! I'm gonna get you! I'm gonna get him!
Chaos ensues as the closing theme begins.
Waldorf Should old acquaintance be forgot...
Statler Why are you singing that?
Waldorf I forgot. (both laugh)