Watch what you say tonight. (Some bugs pop up in their balcony) I think the place is bugged.
They chuckle.
Gonzo turns into a bug before he can play his trumpet.
Gonzo
Surprise!
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And a terrific show it is, because our special guest is one of England's brightest stars of music and comedy, Mr. Dudley Moore! But first, to get things started, we have invited a talented group of young unknowns. So let's give 'em a big hand and make 'em feel real welcome, ladies and gentlemen, YAAAAAY!
Nah, it's been done. (they buzz away) It's been done too.
Kermit
Hey, it's Dudley Moore!
Applause.
Dudley
Hi, Kermit. Uh, you ready for my number yet?
Kermit
Uh, well, not yet. Uh, but matter of fact, the band was wondering how they're going to play your accompaniment without any arrangements.
Dudley
Band? Arrangements?
Kermit
Uh huh. Sure.
Dudley
Uh, I don't need any arrangements.
Kermit
Really? How come?
Dudley
I've got M.A.M.M.A.
A machine wheels itself in and plays a robotic fanfare.
Kermit
Huh. Looks like a fugitive from Star Wars. Its name is M.A.M.M.A., huh?
Dudley
Yeah. Uh, Music And Mood Management Apparatus. M.A.M.M.A.
Kermit
Oh. It plays anything you want?
Dudley
Exactly.
Kermit
Gee, is it any good?
Dudley
Is it any good?!
Kermit
Mm-hm.
Dudley
This is the the ultimate achievement. This is man's synthesis of science and art! This is the Sistine Chapel of innovation!
Kermit
It's good, huh?
Dudley
(shrugs) It's not bad.
He presses some buttons, and M.A.M.M.A. plays a robotic version of the Muppet Show Theme. Kermit dances. Dudley demonstrates the machine to Kermit as the music changes.
Dudley
By fiddling with these thingamajigs here, I can get, uh, classical, or … jazz.
Kermit
Ah.
Dudley
Or… disco.
M.A.M.M.A. plays robotic disco music.
Kermit
Gee! Hey, could we use it for our next number?
Dudley
Sure. What is it?
Kermit
It's called "At the Dance".
Dudley
My pleasure.
Disco dancers make their way to the stage.
Kermit
(through the intercom) Okay, everybody on stage for "At the Disco Dance"!
Fozzie
Oh, Kermit, I am gonna be so FUN-NEE!
Kermit looks confused.
At the Dance[]
Fozzie gets down in the ballroom with the other disco dancers.
Fozzie
Oh yeah! Hey, hey everybody, hey, listen — hey! What is green, waves its arms, and is found in Chinese restaurants, huh?
Dancer (KM)
I dunno. What is green, waves its arms, and is found in Chinese restaurants?
Fozzie
Kermit the Eggroll! Aahhh!
The dancers react unfavorably to the joke.
Fozzie
Yeah! Yeah! I knew you'd love it!
He moves and grooves to the center.
Fozzie
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, look! It's a dancing cow. This must be a dis-COW-theque! Aahhhh!
The dancers react unfavorably to the joke.
Fozzie
Yes, yes, yes, more, yes! Yes! Hey, hey, hey, hey — why did the duck cross the road?
Dancer (JN)
(loudly) I don't know! Why did the duck cross the road?
Fozzie
(sigh) Because he was tied to the chicken! Aaaahhh!
Dancer (JN)
Boooo!
Fozzie
Thank you, thank you! Yes — oh, look! Look! It's a dancing shark! This must be a FISH-cotheque! Aahhhh!
The dancers boo him.
Fozzie
Yes, more! I know you want more! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Okay! Last one. Listen.
Dancer (DG)
Yeah, yeah, what?
Fozzie
Hey guys? Ahem. What do you call a light brown billiard stick? Huh?
Pause.
Dancer (DG)
A … tan cue?
Fozzie
You're welcome! (high fives him)
The dancers and the shark bombard him.
Fozzie
Get away from me please! I loved it! I'm glad you did!
Okay, well, uh, so much for disco dancing. Ahem. Uh, and now for all you fans of the roaring twenties, we have one of the top hits of 1929, written by Charles "Cow-Cow" Davenport, called "Mama Don't 'Llow."
Cow
Oh, good. Cow-Cow's songs are so mooooo-ving.
Kermit
Uh … yeah. Uh, okay, and it's played for you with his Music and Mood Management Apparatus, the fabulously talented Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens on Dudley and the Electric Mayhem, with M.A.M.M.A. in the front.
Dudley
Okay, guys, take five.
The Mayhem starts playing Dave Brubeck's "Take Five". Dudley stops them.
Dudley
Hold it! Hold it!
Floyd
What's wrong?
Dudley
No, I meant, uh, lay out. I won't be needing you.
Animal
Wha?
Dr. Teeth
How come?
Dudley
I'll be doing this with M.A.M.M.A.
He turns on M.A.M.M.A. and plays the piano.
Dudley
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
Floyd
What?
Dudley
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here. It don't matter if you're flat or sharp, You're gonna wake up a-playing a harp, 'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no guitar players in here.
Take it, M.A.M.M.A.
M.A.M.M.A. plays a digital wah-wah solo. The Mayhem examines the machine.
Dr. Teeth
Would you believe this? It's a musical garbage can.
Floyd
Playing musical garbage! (laughs)
Dr. Teeth
Yeah. It ain't got that swing when it's played by a thing.
Floyd
Still, you will note, that it is being played, and nobody bein' paid!
Dr. Teeth
(nods) Hmm, true. True.
Floyd
Jive.
The Mayhem all walk away.
Dudley
M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin' man in here. M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin' man in here.
Animal passes by.
Dudley
M.A.M.M.A. said she gonna light a boom If she hear drumming in this room. 'Cause M.A.M.M.A. don't allow no drummin', in here.
Animal walks up to M.A.M.M.A. as it plays a digital drum solo. He starts gnawing on the machine, finds it impenetrable, and walks away. Dudley plays a jazzy piano solo and concludes the song. Applause.
Backstage[]
The Mayhem approaches Kermit. Rowlf joins them.
Floyd
We gotta talk to him.
Others
(Yeah.)
Floyd
Hey, cricket-breath.
Animal
(growls)
Kermit
Oh, uh, hi, guys.
Floyd
Yeah, what's this electric no-man's band you're using?
Others
(Yeah!)
Kermit
Oh — that's just an experiment, that's all, Floyd.
Floyd
Listen, turtle-bait! Just because it can play for Dudley Moore don't mean it can play the rest of the show!
M.A.M.M.A. is wheeled in.
Others
(Right. Right.)
Kermit
The rest of the show … why, Floyd, that's a wonderful idea!
Floyd
What??
Kermit
I'll just plug in the, uh … the background music button here.
M.A.M.M.A. plays a dramatic sting. Rowlf walks away.
Floyd
Rowlf, hey, Rowlf, where you goin'? Wait a minute, man! Hey, we gotta present a solid front on this.
Rowlf
Uh, you do the solid front bit. I'm gonna call this monkey I know who's looking for an organ grinder.
Dr. Teeth and Animal gang up on Kermit.
Kermit
(stammering) Uh, well, uh, uh, uh … (into the intercom) everybody on stage for Pigs in Space.
Floyd
Oh, it's a sad day for musicians.
Rowlf
Yeah. I can almost hear Beethoven turning over in his grave.
M.A.M.M.A. plays the first notes of Beethoven's 5th symphony.
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Open on Link and Piggy fiddling with the controls. M.A.M.M.A. appears in the window.
Announcer
When last we left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was being followed by a mysterious object.
Link Hogthrob
It looks like one of those things that scientists send up from earth. What do you call them?
Miss Piggy
Satellite.
Link Hogthrob
Of course it's a light. Looks like a lot of lights, but what do you call it?
Miss Piggy
Mon capitan is off to a great start. Hmm.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(over the loudspeaker) Link, I've just found out what that object is.
Link Hogthrob
What is it, Dr. Strangepork?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
I'll tell you when I make my entrance.
Link Hogthrob
Huh?
The doors open. Dr. Strangepork makes a grand entrance to a fanfare played by M.A.M.M.A..
Dr. Julius Strangepork
That machine was sent up here to underscore this sketch.
Link Hogthrob
Huh?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Ja! That music was for my entrance. (laughs)
Link Hogthrob
Pretty big fanfare for a mere passenger-hyphen-scientist. Imagine what it would be for a captain. Think I'll try it, hmm? (the doors open) Here I go.
He exits, then comes back in.
Link Hogthrob
Your captain is here!
M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Link Hogthrob
What the hey?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(giggles)
Miss Piggy
Look, look, Strangepork — you mean, we're stuck with that all through the sketch?
M.A.M.M.A. plays a dramatic sting.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
I'm afraid so.
M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Miss Piggy
Isn't there anything we can do?
M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Nothing.
M.A.M.M.A. plays another dramatic sting.
Link Hogthrob
Get ready … this is a catastrophe!
M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Link Hogthrob
How come it always plays dumb music when I talk?
Miss Piggy
I can't take anymore of this. I'm walking.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
You can't!
Miss Piggy
Ha! Watch me.
As she walks, M.A.M.M.A. plays a slow jazzy score. Link and Strangepork start catcalling her.
Link Hogthrob
Woo woo! Hubba hubba!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(whistles) Woo woo!
Miss Piggy
What do you think you're doing?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Just what you told us to.
Link Hogthrob
Yeah, you said "Watch me".
They laugh. M.A.M.M.A. plays "Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh."
Miss Piggy
Yeah? Yeah? Well, watch this! Hi-YAH!
M.A.M.M.A. plays comical chase music as she chases them around the ship.
Announcer
Tune in next week, when serious charges are brought against this week's PIGS… IN… SPACE!
UK spot[]
Piggy hears a knock on her dressing room door.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Entrez-toi!
Kermit
Uh, did you want to see me, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Oh, yes, Kermie, come in!
Romantic music swells up.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Kermie …
Kermit
Yes, Piggy?
Miss Piggy
I have something very important to tell vous.
Kermit
Uh … yes, Piggy?
Miss Piggy
There is something … you could do that would make … moi … very very happy.
Kermit
Well — well, tell me what it is.
Miss Piggy
You know what it is.
Kermit
I … ahem… I do?
Miss Piggy
Of course you do! You must! Oh!
Kermit
Piggy, are you trying to say —
Miss Piggy
YES!! Kermit … my dressing room sink is stopped up again.
The music stops.
Kermit
(frowns) I'll send Scooter up with a plunger.
Miss Piggy
Good. (he starts walking) No, wait! — Kermie, Kermie, don't … not this door!
Kermit
What?
Miss Piggy
Don't go out this door!
Kermit
Why not?
Dramatic music swells up.
Miss Piggy
Because, Kermie, I have this feeling there is something … terrible outside, waiting. Oh.
Kermit
But Piggy — don't be silly. There's nothing outside that door to worry about.
Miss Piggy
Yes there is! There's something out there! There's something … EVIL! And monstrous! I can feel it, lurking and waiting to pounce! Oh! Oh!
Kermit
Piggy! That's just the door to the corridor!
Miss Piggy
No!
Kermit
Now get out of my way, Piggy.
Miss Piggy
No! No! I won't! I won't let you!
Kermit
Piggy! Get back from the door! Piggy! Listen! Piggy! You're going to stand back right now! (he pushes her out of the way)
Miss Piggy
No! No! No! No!
The music grows more intense.
Kermit
You see, Piggy … there's nothing out here!
Miss Piggy
Don't! Don't!
Kermit
There's nothing out here at all!
Miss Piggy
Don't — (screams)
He opens the door and finds … M.A.M.M.A.
Kermit
That's Dudley's music machine.
M.A.M.M.A. plays a fanfare.
Miss Piggy
It's that stupid music machine! What are you doing in my dressing room? (shouts in its ear) I said, what are you doing in my dressing room? What are you — I am getting out of here.
M.A.M.M.A. plays Piggy's jazzy walking theme. Link and Strangepork watch her walk and catcall again.
Link Hogthrob
Woo woo! Oh boy! Hubba hubba!
Piggy screams and storms off.
Link Hogthrob
Hey chicky baby! Soo-ee, soo-ee!
Dressing room[]
In his dressing room, Dudley sings "Strictly for the Birds" while he plays his piano. Someone knocks on the door.
Dudley
Come in.
Floyd
Hey, Dudley.
Dudley
Hey, Floyd.
Floyd
Yeah, is it okay if me and my friend come in? (Animal enters with him)
Dudley
Y-yeah. Sure.
Floyd
Oh, good.
Animal
(pants)
Dudley
If this is your friend, I'd hate to meet your enemies.
Animal
(pants)
Floyd
Yeah, well, listen. As members of the band …
Animal
Band. (pants)
Floyd
… yeah, we've come here to have it out with you about this music machine that you've got.
Animal
(growls)
Dudley
Yeah. Right. Uh, I, I, I know we have differing opinions on the subject, so it's probably best to talk about it.
Floyd
Yeah, I'm glad you feel that way.
Dudley
Yeah, well, uh … why don't we openly and freely, uh, express our feelings on the subject?
Floyd
Good!
Animal
Yeah yeah.
Floyd
I feel that that cheap jive jukebox is gonna put an end to the gig for the band, man! I mean, we haven't worked all night, and it's your fault!
Animal
Your fault, Dudley. … Dudley.
Dudley
Well …
Floyd
Yeah, comes payback a time old man frog gonna wonder why he's payin' legal tender on us!
Animal
On us. Dudley.
Dudley
Well … well-stated. Um … I think it's a very … succinct and valid … uh … uh, expression of your opinion. I… on the other hand, feel that uh, technological advances should not be … viewed, uh, as an enemy.
Animal walks up to him, breathing in his face.
Dudley
I mean, after all … great triumphs of … science … um … uh, are also, uh, true advances of the human spirit. And I don't feel that we … we should … (reacts to Animal's breath) … let, uh, let temporary or personal considerations stand in, in the way. How — how do you feel about that, Animal?
Animal
KILL!! KILL! KILL! (starts attacking Dudley)
Dudley
All right! All right! Anything you like! Anything you say! Please! Anything! Anything!
Floyd
Hey! Sit!
Animal
Sit!
Floyd
Heel!
Animal
Heel! (stops)
Dudley
Well, I … I didn't realize he was president of your debating society.
Animal resumes attacking him.
The Great Gonzo's act / Backstage[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Okay, now I have a real treat for all you fear and culture lovers. Ahem. Uh, it's time once again for Gonzo the Great. Uh, Gonzo apparently has a real crazy act tonight. He won't even tell me what it is, but I do have this message: we have to ask for complete and total silence from everyone.
Fozzie shushes M.A.M.M.A., which plays a drumroll.
Kermit
And now, Gonzo the Great.
The curtain opens on Gonzo, next to a megaton bomb.
Gonzo
Thank you, thank you. I must have complete silence for this act, please. Ahem. Thank you. I shall now recite from the works of Percy Bysshe Shelley while — and at the same time — diffusing this high explosive bomb. (sigh)
He gets started diffusing.
Gonzo
Hail to thee, blithe spirit.
Bird th—
He hears ticking.
Gonzo
Bird thou never wert.
M.A.M.M.A. approaches behind him.
Gonzo
That from heaven or near it
Pourest thy full heart
In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.
M.A.M.M.A. plays a loud dramatic sting, throwing him off. The bomb explodes, sending Gonzo flying backstage. He gets up.
Gonzo
What a finish!
He laughs and runs away. M.A.M.M.A. rolls backstage, burned to a crisp and smoking.
Floyd
Ah ha, look at this! (laughs)
Animal
(laughs)
Kermit
Uh, hey guys? Uh, uh, guys? Uh, listen, would you all do me a big favor and uh … and finish the show?
Floyd
Oh! Why? Is anything wrong, little swamp brother?
The Mayhem members laugh.
Kermit
Uh, uh, yeah, well, uh, see, Dudley's music machine seems to be on the uh, ahem, sick list, and uh, …
Floyd
"Seems to be …" (laughs)
Kermit
Well … maybe it'll still work.
He turns it on, and it plays …
Kermit
Japanese kabuki music? Uh, listen, guys, if you all will finish up the show, I promise I will never even think of using another band.
Floyd
Uh, let us deliberate.
The Mayhem huddle up and mumble.
Animal
No. No. No, no, no.
Kermit
Pretty please with cream and sugar on top?
Floyd
Okay. You got it.
Animal
Okay!
Kermit
Oh, good, good. Thank you so much! (runs onstage)
Floyd
Ha ha! Let's show him what a band sounds like!
Animal
Okay! Okay!
He stops, looks at M.A.M.M.A., and gives it a swift kick, knocking off the top unit.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, appearing next is our own wonderful Muppet band … with Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
Dudley and the Electric Mayhem perform "How High the Moon", wearing hardhats as the theater falls apart around them. Some rats dance nearby. Animal's wild drumming loosens more rubble.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, ladies and gentlemen, it has been a splendid evening, marred only by the fact that we blew up half the theater. But before we go, let us have one last round of applause for our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dudley Moore! Yaaaay!
Applause.
Dudley
Thank you very much, Kermit. It's been a real pleasure playing the remains of the Muppet Theater.
Kermit
Uh — yeah, and I'm sorry to say that we broke your machine.
Dudley
Oh … no trouble. I'm happy to say I fixed it again.
Kermit
Oh. (frowns) Uh, I'm sorry to say I liked it better when it was broken.
The newly fixed M.A.M.M.A. wheels out.
Dudley
Oh. Uh, I'll just program it for the, uh, closing theme. (presses some buttons)
Kermit
Uh, well, there's nothing left for me to say but, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around M.A.M.M.A. as it plays a medley of previously heard music, including the theme. The credits roll.
Statler
So they blew up half the theater.
Waldorf
At least they blew up the right half.
Statler & Waldorf
Theirs! (they chuckle)
Animal begins hitting M.A.M.M.A. as it plays the final note.