Episode 409: Beverly Sills/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 409: Beverly Sills.

Cold open

	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Beverly Sills? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Beverly.
Beverly	Thank you, Scooter. ♪ I'm just warming up my voice. ♪
Scooter	Wow, what a note!
Beverly	Oh, that's nothing.
	She hits a note so high that she breaks Scooter's glasses.
Scooter	My glasses!
Beverly	(laughs) Don't worry, dear, I have a deal with an optician.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Beverly Sills! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Hey, where'd this lobster come from?
Statler	Newberg.
	They chuckle.
Gonzo	I play by ear.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome to another one. Tonight's guest star, believe it or not, is one of the great stars of opera, Miss Beverly Sills. But first, an opening number.
Statler	Oh, no! I can't take any more of your opening numbers!
Kermit	Come on, guys, what's wrong with them?
Statler	They're so weird!
Waldorf	Yeah. What do you have tonight — a Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?
	They chuckle.
Kermit	Uh, cancel the opening number.
Gorilla	(mock Chinese) … moo goo gai pan!
Kermit	Uh, listen, guys, I'm tired of all this criticism. What would you do for an opening number?
Statler	Funny you should ask.
Waldorf	Yes, we do have some ideas about that.
	Music swells up.
Statler	We have a secret recipe …
Waldorf	That's true.
Statler	… concocted with much skill.
Waldorf	Yes. And once you've tried our special dish,
Statler	That's right.
Waldorf	You'll never get your fill.
Statler & Waldorf	Take ten terrific girls, But only nine costumes, And you're cooking up something grand.
Statler	(laughs) Mix in some amber lights …
Waldorf	Yes!
Statler	And elegant scenery …
Waldorf	Then stir in a fine jazz band.
Statler	Then add some funny men …
Waldorf	Ho ho!
Statler	And pepper with laughter!
Waldorf	It's tart and tasty, I know.
Statler & Waldorf	Then serve it piping hot, And what have you got? A burlesque show!
	Backstage, commotion ensues as everyone gets ready for the big number. The chorus girls make their way to the stage, Beaker and Beauregard move the scenery, and Statler and Waldorf oversee everything.
Girl (DG)	C'mon! It's time for our number!
Girls	(chattering)
Statler	Okay, girls! Move it! Heh heh heh! Move it!
Waldorf	Aw, way to go!
Bearegard	Come on, Beaker, lift and push! Only three bars to go! Hurry!
Beaker	(meeps)
Waldorf	Okay, girls! Yeah, nice, nice.
Kermit	What's going on?
Stagehand (JN)	Watch it, girls, watch it, girls! [unintelligible]
Statler	Come on! Kid, move it, move it! We'll show you how it's done! Hey, lights up!
Waldorf	All right! Everybody ready? Here! Lower — fly in that backdrop! Fly in the backdrop!
	The chorus girls take their places.
Statler	Okay! Okay! Raise the curtain! Raise the curtain!
Waldorf	Okay! Curtain going up! (pulls the lever)
	The curtain opens on the chorus girls, including Annie Sue, Janice, and one without a costume.
Girls	Take ten terrific girls, But only nine costumes, And you're cooking up something grand. Mix in some amber lights, And elegant scenery, Then stir in a fine jazz band.
Statler	Then add some funny men …
Waldorf	And pepper with laughter!
Girls	It's tart and tasty, I know.
Statler	Tell me, Mr. Waldorf, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Waldorf	I don't know, Mr. Statler! What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Statler	Hot cross bunnies!
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	Boo! Hiss! Get off the stage!
Waldorf	Tell me, Mr. Statler, why do bees hum?
Statler	I don't know, Mr. Waldorf, why do bees hum?
Waldorf	Because they don't know the words!
	They chuckle.
Fozzie	No good! Not funny!
Waldorf	What do you know?
Statler	Yeah!
Fozzie	Bring on the bear!
All	Then serve it piping hot, And what have you got? A bur … lesque … show!
	Applause. Statler and Waldorf are back in the balcony.
Waldorf	Wonderful!
Statler	Bravo!
Waldorf	Wonderful!
Statler	Yeah, that's the way!
Waldorf	Great! Great! Ah, now why can't they do numbers like that?
Kermit	We just did!
Waldorf	Oh. Yeah. So you did.
Statler	Yeah — wasn't very good after all. Boo!
Waldorf	Boo!
Statler	Terrible!

Backstage

	The chorus girls come offstage. Beauregard waves at them from the balcony.
Fozzie	Okay, c'mon, c'mon! That was wonderful!
Kermit	Okay, that was very nice. Very nice, girls.
Bearegard	Hi, girls! … Yoo-hoo!
Scooter	Hey, Kermit, Kermit —
Kermit	Yeah, Scooter?
Scooter	Somebody outside was trying to break the combination lock on your bicycle! But I stopped 'em.
Kermit	Oh, good. What did you do?
Scooter	I told them the combination.
Kermit	(gasp) Oh no! Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie	Huh?
Kermit	Uh, listen, would you introduce the next act? I gotta — I'll be right back. (rushes off)
Fozzie	Kermit, I can't — I don't know how — oh boy. Uh, okay, Scooter, who's on next?
Scooter	Oh, Beverly Sills. You know who she is, don't you?
Fozzie	Scooter! You don't have to tell me about Beverly Sills. She is a legend in music. Oh boy! (rushes onstage)
Scooter	Boy. Fozzie even knows about opera singers.

"When the Bloom is on the Sage"

	Main stage. Fozzie enters to a fanfare.
Fozzie	Ahem. Uh, Kermit has asked ME to introduce tonight's guest star. (slicks his fur) Ladies and gentlemen, one of the truly great singers of country and western music, the queen of Nashville, here she is, Miss Bev Sills!
	Applause. The curtain opens on Beverly in a faux-marble setting. Country music begins playing.
Beverly	May I have some music for this aria?
Fozzie	Uh, yeah — here you go, Bev.
	He hands her the sheet music and runs off. She sings "When the Bloom is on the Sage" in opera style.
Beverly	I wanna talk to that bear.
Scooter	That's you, Fozzie! Go ahead!
Fozzie	Scooter, I —
Scooter	Go on! Go on!
	Fozzie approaches Beverly, stammering.
Beverly	Now listen. I am Beverly Sills, the opera singer.
Fozzie	(facepalms) Oh! THAT Beverly Sills! Wow.
Beverly	Now what are we gonna do about it?
Fozzie	Oh. (stammers) I'll ask Kermit.
	He leaves, but she pulls him back by the tie.
Beverly	Wait a minute. What am I supposed to do out here all by myself while you do that?
Fozzie	(stammers) I — you — uh … you wouldn't know how to tap-dance, would you?
Beverly	(smiles) Well. As a matter of fact, I do know how to tap-dance.
Fozzie	Knock 'em dead. (exits)
Beverly	Maestro?
	She tap-dances. Applause. Meanwhile, Kermit shouts at Fozzie in the wings.
Kermit	YOU DID WHAT?? (goes onstage)
Fozzie	Please don't yell at me!
Kermit	Uh, Beverly, I'm terribly sorry. Listen, you don't have to sing country music or tap-dance or anything.
Beverly	Don't stop me now, honey, I'm just getting the hang of it.
	She resumes singing, accompanied by Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers. Applause.
Waldorf	Now that's talent. An opera singer who tap-dances and sings cowboy songs. I wonder if there's anything she isn't good at.
Statler	Yes. Choosing what show to be on.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

Scooter	Gee, Kermit. Miss Sills seemed to have a lot of fun in that number.
Kermit	Oh, yeah, I think so. Well, you know, it was a change for her. We're doing an opera piece later on in the show, though.
Scooter	Oh, I know. Uh, guess who wants to be in it with her?
Miss Piggy	♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi … Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi … ♪ — Oh! ♪ Hello, Kermit. I didn't know you were there. ♪
Kermit	Uh … hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	♪ How is the show going? ♪
Kermit	Uh, Piggy — uh, please. If you're — if you're thinking about that opera piece, as far as I'm concerned, you are in the opera number.
Miss Piggy	I am? Oh, Kermie, what a surprise!
Kermit	Yes, but it's really not up to me, because Beverly Sills is holding some auditions a little later.
Miss Piggy	Wha — dear, I am not worried. I just hope they're doing something suitable for my talents.
Kermit	Piggy, you're gonna love it. It's called Pigoletto.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) ♪ PIGOLETTO! Oh, thank you, Kermit! ♪ (enters here dressing room)
Kermit	♪ You're very welcome. ♪ (shakes head)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Soprano Beverly Sills withdrew her announced plans to retire from the operatic stage. "I'll be singing opera until the cows come home," she said today in a …
	A herd of cows tramples over him.

Dressing room

Gonzo	Hey, Beverly, I want to thank you for having this meeting with me.
Beverly	Oh, that's alright. What's this very important matter you want to talk to me about?
Gonzo	Well — (sigh) I have created a new art form.
Beverly	Really?
Gonzo	Yes. This will rank with the creation of the first opera! It's a cultural breakthrough!
Beverly	Well, what is it?
Gonzo	Spoon hanging!
Beverly	Spoon hanging?
Gonzo	Yes. Look, let me show you how it's done. Here, take a spoon.
Beverly	Okay. Now where do we hang it?
Gonzo	Aha! That's the cultural part.
	Sam and Kermit stand outside the dressing room.
Sam the Eagle	Now, do you swear that Beverly Sills is in this dressing room?
Kermit	Uh, cross my heart, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! (pulls him closer) — THE Beverly Sills? (Kermit nods) World-famous soprano, and director of the New York City Opera.
Kermit	The very one.
Sam the Eagle	Oh! I must go in and worship at her feet!
	He pushes Kermit aside and enters.
Sam the Eagle	Miss Sills, I want you to know what a thrill —
Beverly	What's the matter? Don't you like art?
Sam the Eagle	(runs away screaming)
Beverly	Poor fellow. (laughs) He's obviously a lowbrow.

UK spot

	The Fuzz Brothers perform an opera number.

Dressing room

	Beverly admires a flower vase. Someone knocks on the door.
Beverly	Come in.
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Miss Sills!
Beverly	Oh, hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Hello. May I call you Beverly?
Beverly	Of course. And I'll call you —
Miss Piggy	"Miss Piggy" will do just fine.
Beverly	Yes, of course. Um, what can I do for you, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy	Well, uh, Kermie, uh, told me that uh, you were doing an opera?
Beverly	Yes, we are. We're doing an opera called Pigoletto.
Miss Piggy	Yes, and I —
Beverly	And I bet I know why you're here.
Miss Piggy	Well, I am a, uh, ahem … pig.
Beverly	Yes. And I know you want to audition for the opera.
Miss Piggy	— Yes! How did you guess?
Beverly	Oh, honey, they're coming out of the woodwork.
	Two pigs pop out of the closet, singing a passage from the Anvil Chorus.
Miss Piggy	Um … I …
Beverly	You see what I mean? I hate auditions.
Miss Piggy	Yes, well, I can understand what you mean. It must be difficult.
Beverly	It is. There are so many talented singers, it's very hard for me to say no.
Miss Piggy	I'm glad you said that. (starts singing)
Beverly	Uh, Miss Piggy, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
	Enter more pigs: Link holding a basketball, and Strangepork playing a kazoo.
Link Hogthrob	Is this where you're having auditions for the basketball team?
Beverly	Well, why not? We might just as well.
	Link dribbles the ball as the pigs continue singing. Beverly sets off a TNT detonator, which quickly quiets the noisy pigs.
Beverly	Okay. Okay, you can all be in Pigoletto.
	The pigs all cheer and clear the room.
Miss Piggy	Bev — will you — please — oh for … Beverly, shall I keep my tambourine?
Beverly	Oh, absolutely, Miss Piggy. Why, you play that tambourine almost as well as you sing.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) Ooh! Thank you!
	She trots off. Beverly chuckles.

Backstage

	Kermit is ganged up on by cross animals.
Kermit	Hey — hey! What's going — Hold it, hold it! Wait a minute! What's going on here?
Cow (RH)	We're angry because you're doing Pigoletto tonight.
Animals	Yeah!
Kermit	What's wrong with that?
Cow (RH)	Well, there's an opera for us cows!
Kermit	What's that?
Cow (RH)	Madame Buttermilk.
Animals	Yeah!
Goat (SW)	Hey. There's one for us goats too.
Kermit	Hmm?
Goat (SW)	Goaterdämmerung.
Animals	Yeah!
Kermit	Watch your language.
Goat (SW)	Ehh.
Otter (DG)	And there's even an opera for us otters, too.
Kermit	What's that?
Otter (DG)	La Traviotter.
Animals	(agreement noises)
Kermit	That's enough. Now come on, back to your dressing rooms. (shoos them away) C'mon! Get outta here! Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Scram! Scram! Scram! Hoo!
Robin	Uncle Kermit?
Kermit	Yeah?
Robin	There's an opera for little frogs like me, too.
Kermit	Really?
Robin	(nods) Low 'n Green. (does a punchline dance)
Kermit	Robin! You're as bad as they are. Now get outta here. (Robin leaves) Hmm. Low 'n Green. Gee. I could play the lead if I scrunched down. (scrunches down) ♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi… ♪ (walks off)

Muppet University

	Open on a bronze emblem which reads "E Pluribus Stupidatus."
Sam the Eagle	Welcome to Muppet University.
	Zoom out to reveal Sam in a professor's cap.
Sam the Eagle	Hello. Today's lecture will be on microscopic life forms. Underneath this terribly expensive scientific … (taps it) … doohickey — ahem — is a single drop of pond water.
	He turns on the projector.
Sam the Eagle	Aha! Leaving frivolity behind, let us now explore the world of the water drop. Lights please. (the lights dim) Ah. What wonders await our eyes?
Kermit the Protozoa	Hi-ho! Kermit the Protozoa here. And what a show we have for you. And now, to kick things off, here he is, the king of the single-celled comics, Fozzie Amoeba! Yaaay!
	Fozzie the Amoeba floats by as a fanfare plays.
Fozzie the Amoeba	Hey-hey-hey! A funny thing happened to me on the way to the microscope. This blob came up to me and said, "I haven't had a disease in weeks". So I bit him. Aaah!
	Sam makes noises of disapproval and turns the projector off.
Sam the Eagle	Class dismissed! Ugh! (facepalms)

Backstage

Kermit	Okay. That was very nice, Sam.
Sam the Eagle	It was a fiasco.
Kermit	No, no, it was educational. I learned a lot from that.
Sam the Eagle	You did? Oh, bless you, Kermit. Tell me, what did you learn from that? Hm?
Kermit	Well, I learned that those little green protozoa have a lot of talent. (chuckles)
	Sam walks off in disgust.
Scooter	Oh! Oh, Kermit — everybody's on stage for the opera except the spear carriers!
Kermit	Yeah?
Scooter	They want more money.
Kermit	No way.
	THWACK! Several spears land on the desk.
Kermit	Uh, see how much they want.
Scooter	Right. (runs off)

"Pigoletto"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present a totally unknown and unrehearsed opera, Pigoletto, uh, sung to the music of La Traviata, and performed for you by the Muppetopolitan Opera Company. Ahem. Uh, it's all very strange, but the good thing about it is that it stars Miss Beverly Sills! Yaaay!
	Open on a balcony. Pan over to Beverly.
Beverly	Sempre libera degg'io folleggiare di gioia in gioia, vo' che scorra il viver mio pei sentieri del piacer. Nasca il giorno, o il giorno muoia, sempre lieta ne' ritrovi, a —
	Enter the pigs.
Pig (RH)	("Toreador" from Carmen) Toreador-ah, you and me have come. Toreador, Toreador. This is the only opera that I know. I learned this one in school. We learned the words in French, And even still, I don't know what it means.
Beverly	…a diletti sempre nuovi, dee volare il mio pensier. Dee volar, dee volar, Dee volare il mio pensier. Dee volar, dee volar, (vocalizes) … mio pensier.
	Piggy, playing Cleopatra, makes a grand entrance on a ship manned by two pig slaves who row to the beat of Verdi's "Grand March" from Aida.
Miss Piggy	Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Go! Ahem. AHEM! Ahem.
	Applause. Piggy poses, then gets into an "Die Walküre" competition with Beverly.
Miss Piggy	I can sing higher!
Beverly	(vocalizes)
Miss Piggy	I can sing higher!
Beverly	(vocalizes)
Miss Piggy	(vocalizes, ending with low note) Oh yeah!
Beverly	Sempre libera degg'io folleggiare di gioia in gioia, vo' che scorra il viver mio pei sentieri del piacer. Nasca il giorno, o il giorno muoia, sempre lieta ne' ritrovi, a diletti sempre nuovi, a …
Dr. Julius Strangepork	("La donna è mobile") Let me apologize, For all these other guys. They've done it wrong again. Sung the wrong song again. Tell her that you're sorry.
Pigs	Beverly, we're sorry! Won't you please excuse us For being here at all!
Beverly	… a diletti sempre nuovi dee volare il mio pensier. (vocalizes)
Pigs	God bless America.
Beverly	(vocalizes)
Pigs	God bless America.
Beverly	(vocalizes)
Pigs	il mio pensier, il mio pensier.
	Big finish. Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay! Well, you saw the beginning and middle of The Muppet Show, so this must be the end. Which means that it is time to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Beverly Sills! YAAAAY!
	She is surrounded by the cheering pigs.
Beverly	And thank you, Kermit.
Kermit	Oh, oh, thank you, Beverly, you're a great sport to put up with all of our goofiness.
Beverly	Oh, not at all. I really enjoyed it.
Kermit	Oh, good.
Beverly	As a matter of fact, doing The Muppet Show is almost as much fun as doing a serious opera.
Kermit	Wow! Does that mean you'd like to come back next week?
Beverly	I said "almost".
Gonzo	Beverly! Beverly, does this mean that you are forsaking spoon hanging for some lesser art form?
Beverly	(laughs, nods)
Kermit	Gonzo! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You were wonderful, Beverly.
	Applause. The credits roll as the chatter continues.
Statler	Wake up!
Waldorf	Huh? Who's the guest star tonight?
Statler	Beverly Hills.
Waldorf	Ehh, I've been there before. (goes back to sleep)