The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 409: Beverly Sills.
Cold open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Beverly Sills! Yaaayyy! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Waldorf | Hey, where'd this lobster come from? |
Statler | Newberg. |
They chuckle. | |
Gonzo | I play by ear. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome to another one. Tonight's guest star, believe it or not, is one of the great stars of opera, Miss Beverly Sills. But first, an opening number. |
Statler | Oh, no! I can't take any more of your opening numbers! |
Kermit | Come on, guys, what's wrong with them? |
Statler | They're so weird! |
Waldorf | Yeah. What do you have tonight — a Chinese gorilla dancing ballet? |
They chuckle. | |
Kermit | Uh, cancel the opening number. |
Gorilla | (mock Chinese) … moo goo gai pan! |
Kermit | Uh, listen, guys, I'm tired of all this criticism. What would you do for an opening number? |
Statler | Funny you should ask. |
Waldorf | Yes, we do have some ideas about that. |
Music swells up. | |
Statler | We have a secret recipe … |
Waldorf | That's true. |
Statler | … concocted with much skill. |
Waldorf | Yes. And once you've tried our special dish, |
Statler | That's right. |
Waldorf | You'll never get your fill. |
Statler & Waldorf |
Take ten terrific girls, |
Statler | (laughs) Mix in some amber lights … |
Waldorf | Yes! |
Statler | And elegant scenery … |
Waldorf | Then stir in a fine jazz band. |
Statler | Then add some funny men … |
Waldorf | Ho ho! |
Statler | And pepper with laughter! |
Waldorf | It's tart and tasty, I know. |
Statler & Waldorf |
Then serve it piping hot, |
Backstage, commotion ensues as everyone gets ready for the big number. The chorus girls make their way to the stage, Beaker and Beauregard move the scenery, and Statler and Waldorf oversee everything. | |
Girl (DG) | C'mon! It's time for our number! |
Girls | (chattering) |
Statler | Okay, girls! Move it! Heh heh heh! Move it! |
Waldorf | Aw, way to go! |
Bearegard | Come on, Beaker, lift and push! Only three bars to go! Hurry! |
Beaker | (meeps) |
Waldorf | Okay, girls! Yeah, nice, nice. |
Kermit | What's going on? |
Stagehand (JN) | Watch it, girls, watch it, girls! [unintelligible] |
Statler | Come on! Kid, move it, move it! We'll show you how it's done! Hey, lights up! |
Waldorf | All right! Everybody ready? Here! Lower — fly in that backdrop! Fly in the backdrop! |
The chorus girls take their places. | |
Statler | Okay! Okay! Raise the curtain! Raise the curtain! |
Waldorf | Okay! Curtain going up! (pulls the lever) |
The curtain opens on the chorus girls, including Annie Sue, Janice, and one without a costume. | |
Girls |
Take ten terrific girls, |
Statler | Then add some funny men … |
Waldorf | And pepper with laughter! |
Girls | It's tart and tasty, I know. |
Statler | Tell me, Mr. Waldorf, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? |
Waldorf | I don't know, Mr. Statler! What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? |
Statler | Hot cross bunnies! |
They chuckle. | |
Fozzie | Boo! Hiss! Get off the stage! |
Waldorf | Tell me, Mr. Statler, why do bees hum? |
Statler | I don't know, Mr. Waldorf, why do bees hum? |
Waldorf | Because they don't know the words! |
They chuckle. | |
Fozzie | No good! Not funny! |
Waldorf | What do you know? |
Statler | Yeah! |
Fozzie | Bring on the bear! |
All |
Then serve it piping hot, |
Applause. Statler and Waldorf are back in the balcony. | |
Waldorf | Wonderful! |
Statler | Bravo! |
Waldorf | Wonderful! |
Statler | Yeah, that's the way! |
Waldorf | Great! Great! Ah, now why can't they do numbers like that? |
Kermit | We just did! |
Waldorf | Oh. Yeah. So you did. |
Statler | Yeah — wasn't very good after all. Boo! |
Waldorf | Boo! |
Statler | Terrible! |
Backstage[]
"When the Bloom is on the Sage"[]
Backstage[]
Muppet newsflash[]
Dressing room[]
UK spot[]
The Fuzz Brothers perform an opera number. |
Dressing room[]
Backstage[]
Muppet University[]
Open on a bronze emblem which reads "E Pluribus Stupidatus." | |
Sam the Eagle | Welcome to Muppet University. |
Zoom out to reveal Sam in a professor's cap. | |
Sam the Eagle | Hello. Today's lecture will be on microscopic life forms. Underneath this terribly expensive scientific … (taps it) … doohickey — ahem — is a single drop of pond water. |
He turns on the projector. | |
Sam the Eagle | Aha! Leaving frivolity behind, let us now explore the world of the water drop. Lights please. (the lights dim) Ah. What wonders await our eyes? |
Kermit the Protozoa | Hi-ho! Kermit the Protozoa here. And what a show we have for you. And now, to kick things off, here he is, the king of the single-celled comics, Fozzie Amoeba! Yaaay! |
Fozzie the Amoeba floats by as a fanfare plays. | |
Fozzie the Amoeba | Hey-hey-hey! A funny thing happened to me on the way to the microscope. This blob came up to me and said, "I haven't had a disease in weeks". So I bit him. Aaah! |
Sam makes noises of disapproval and turns the projector off. | |
Sam the Eagle | Class dismissed! Ugh! (facepalms) |