Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome to another one. Tonight's guest star, believe it or not, is one of the great stars of opera, Miss Beverly Sills. But first, an opening number.
Statler
Oh, no! I can't take any more of your opening numbers!
Kermit
Come on, guys, what's wrong with them?
Statler
They're so weird!
Waldorf
Yeah. What do you have tonight — a Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?
They chuckle.
Kermit
Uh, cancel the opening number.
Gorilla
(mock Chinese) … moo goo gai pan!
Kermit
Uh, listen, guys, I'm tired of all this criticism. What would you do for an opening number?
Statler
Funny you should ask.
Waldorf
Yes, we do have some ideas about that.
Music swells up.
Statler
We have a secret recipe …
Waldorf
That's true.
Statler
… concocted with much skill.
Waldorf
Yes.
And once you've tried our special dish,
Statler
That's right.
Waldorf
You'll never get your fill.
Statler & Waldorf
Take ten terrific girls, But only nine costumes, And you're cooking up something grand.
Statler
(laughs)
Mix in some amber lights …
Waldorf
Yes!
Statler
And elegant scenery …
Waldorf
Then stir in a fine jazz band.
Statler
Then add some funny men …
Waldorf
Ho ho!
Statler
And pepper with laughter!
Waldorf
It's tart and tasty, I know.
Statler & Waldorf
Then serve it piping hot, And what have you got? A burlesque show!
Backstage, commotion ensues as everyone gets ready for the big number. The chorus girls make their way to the stage, Beaker and Beauregard move the scenery, and Statler and Waldorf oversee everything.
Girl (DG)
C'mon! It's time for our number!
Girls
(chattering)
Statler
Okay, girls! Move it! Heh heh heh! Move it!
Waldorf
Aw, way to go!
Bearegard
Come on, Beaker, lift and push! Only three bars to go! Hurry!
Come on! Kid, move it, move it! We'll show you how it's done! Hey, lights up!
Waldorf
All right! Everybody ready? Here! Lower — fly in that backdrop! Fly in the backdrop!
The chorus girls take their places.
Statler
Okay! Okay! Raise the curtain! Raise the curtain!
Waldorf
Okay! Curtain going up! (pulls the lever)
The curtain opens on the chorus girls, including Annie Sue, Janice, and one without a costume.
Girls
Take ten terrific girls, But only nine costumes, And you're cooking up something grand. Mix in some amber lights, And elegant scenery, Then stir in a fine jazz band.
Statler
Then add some funny men …
Waldorf
And pepper with laughter!
Girls
It's tart and tasty, I know.
Statler
Tell me, Mr. Waldorf, what do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Waldorf
I don't know, Mr. Statler! What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Statler
Hot cross bunnies!
They chuckle.
Fozzie
Boo! Hiss! Get off the stage!
Waldorf
Tell me, Mr. Statler, why do bees hum?
Statler
I don't know, Mr. Waldorf, why do bees hum?
Waldorf
Because they don't know the words!
They chuckle.
Fozzie
No good! Not funny!
Waldorf
What do you know?
Statler
Yeah!
Fozzie
Bring on the bear!
All
Then serve it piping hot, And what have you got? A bur … lesque … show!
Applause. Statler and Waldorf are back in the balcony.
Waldorf
Wonderful!
Statler
Bravo!
Waldorf
Wonderful!
Statler
Yeah, that's the way!
Waldorf
Great! Great! Ah, now why can't they do numbers like that?
Kermit
We just did!
Waldorf
Oh. Yeah. So you did.
Statler
Yeah — wasn't very good after all. Boo!
Waldorf
Boo!
Statler
Terrible!
Backstage
The chorus girls come offstage. Beauregard waves at them from the balcony.
Fozzie
Okay, c'mon, c'mon! That was wonderful!
Kermit
Okay, that was very nice. Very nice, girls.
Bearegard
Hi, girls! … Yoo-hoo!
Scooter
Hey, Kermit, Kermit —
Kermit
Yeah, Scooter?
Scooter
Somebody outside was trying to break the combination lock on your bicycle! But I stopped 'em.
Kermit
Oh, good. What did you do?
Scooter
I told them the combination.
Kermit
(gasp) Oh no! Uh, Fozzie?
Fozzie
Huh?
Kermit
Uh, listen, would you introduce the next act? I gotta — I'll be right back. (rushes off)
Fozzie
Kermit, I can't — I don't know how — oh boy. Uh, okay, Scooter, who's on next?
Scooter
Oh, Beverly Sills. You know who she is, don't you?
Fozzie
Scooter! You don't have to tell me about Beverly Sills. She is a legend in music. Oh boy! (rushes onstage)
Ahem. Uh, Kermit has asked ME to introduce tonight's guest star. (slicks his fur) Ladies and gentlemen, one of the truly great singers of country and western music, the queen of Nashville, here she is, Miss Bev Sills!
Applause. The curtain opens on Beverly in a faux-marble setting. Country music begins playing.
Beverly
May I have some music for this aria?
Fozzie
Uh, yeah — here you go, Bev.
He hands her the sheet music and runs off. She sings "When the Bloom is on the Sage" in opera style.
Beverly
I wanna talk to that bear.
Scooter
That's you, Fozzie! Go ahead!
Fozzie
Scooter, I —
Scooter
Go on! Go on!
Fozzie approaches Beverly, stammering.
Beverly
Now listen. I am Beverly Sills, the opera singer.
Fozzie
(facepalms) Oh! THAT Beverly Sills! Wow.
Beverly
Now what are we gonna do about it?
Fozzie
Oh. (stammers) I'll ask Kermit.
He leaves, but she pulls him back by the tie.
Beverly
Wait a minute. What am I supposed to do out here all by myself while you do that?
Fozzie
(stammers) I — you — uh … you wouldn't know how to tap-dance, would you?
Beverly
(smiles) Well. As a matter of fact, I do know how to tap-dance.
Fozzie
Knock 'em dead. (exits)
Beverly
Maestro?
She tap-dances. Applause. Meanwhile, Kermit shouts at Fozzie in the wings.
Kermit
YOU DID WHAT?? (goes onstage)
Fozzie
Please don't yell at me!
Kermit
Uh, Beverly, I'm terribly sorry. Listen, you don't have to sing country music or tap-dance or anything.
Beverly
Don't stop me now, honey, I'm just getting the hang of it.
She resumes singing, accompanied by Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers. Applause.
Waldorf
Now that's talent. An opera singer who tap-dances and sings cowboy songs. I wonder if there's anything she isn't good at.
Statler
Yes. Choosing what show to be on.
They chuckle.
Backstage
Scooter
Gee, Kermit. Miss Sills seemed to have a lot of fun in that number.
Kermit
Oh, yeah, I think so. Well, you know, it was a change for her. We're doing an opera piece later on in the show, though.
Scooter
Oh, I know. Uh, guess who wants to be in it with her?
Miss Piggy
♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi … Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi … ♪ — Oh! ♪ Hello, Kermit. I didn't know you were there. ♪
Kermit
Uh … hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
♪ How is the show going? ♪
Kermit
Uh, Piggy — uh, please. If you're — if you're thinking about that opera piece, as far as I'm concerned, you are in the opera number.
Miss Piggy
I am? Oh, Kermie, what a surprise!
Kermit
Yes, but it's really not up to me, because Beverly Sills is holding some auditions a little later.
Miss Piggy
Wha — dear, I am not worried. I just hope they're doing something suitable for my talents.
Kermit
Piggy, you're gonna love it. It's called Pigoletto.
Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Soprano Beverly Sills withdrew her announced plans to retire from the operatic stage. "I'll be singing opera until the cows come home," she said today in a …
A herd of cows tramples over him.
Dressing room
Gonzo
Hey, Beverly, I want to thank you for having this meeting with me.
Beverly
Oh, that's alright. What's this very important matter you want to talk to me about?
Gonzo
Well — (sigh) I have created a new art form.
Beverly
Really?
Gonzo
Yes. This will rank with the creation of the first opera! It's a cultural breakthrough!
Beverly
Well, what is it?
Gonzo
Spoon hanging!
Beverly
Spoon hanging?
Gonzo
Yes. Look, let me show you how it's done. Here, take a spoon.
Beverly
Okay. Now where do we hang it?
Gonzo
Aha! That's the cultural part.
Sam and Kermit stand outside the dressing room.
Sam the Eagle
Now, do you swear that Beverly Sills is in this dressing room?
Kermit
Uh, cross my heart, Sam.
Sam the Eagle
Oh! (pulls him closer) — THE Beverly Sills? (Kermit nods) World-famous soprano, and director of the New York City Opera.
Kermit
The very one.
Sam the Eagle
Oh! I must go in and worship at her feet!
He pushes Kermit aside and enters.
Sam the Eagle
Miss Sills, I want you to know what a thrill —
Beverly
What's the matter? Don't you like art?
Sam the Eagle
(runs away screaming)
Beverly
Poor fellow. (laughs) He's obviously a lowbrow.
UK spot
The Fuzz Brothers perform an opera number.
Dressing room
Beverly admires a flower vase. Someone knocks on the door.
Beverly
Come in.
Miss Piggy
Ahem. Miss Sills!
Beverly
Oh, hello, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Hello. May I call you Beverly?
Beverly
Of course. And I'll call you —
Miss Piggy
"Miss Piggy" will do just fine.
Beverly
Yes, of course. Um, what can I do for you, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Well, uh, Kermie, uh, told me that uh, you were doing an opera?
Beverly
Yes, we are. We're doing an opera called Pigoletto.
Miss Piggy
Yes, and I —
Beverly
And I bet I know why you're here.
Miss Piggy
Well, I am a, uh, ahem … pig.
Beverly
Yes. And I know you want to audition for the opera.
Miss Piggy
— Yes! How did you guess?
Beverly
Oh, honey, they're coming out of the woodwork.
Two pigs pop out of the closet, singing a passage from the Anvil Chorus.
Miss Piggy
Um … I …
Beverly
You see what I mean? I hate auditions.
Miss Piggy
Yes, well, I can understand what you mean. It must be difficult.
Beverly
It is. There are so many talented singers, it's very hard for me to say no.
Miss Piggy
I'm glad you said that. (starts singing)
Beverly
Uh, Miss Piggy, in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
Enter more pigs: Link holding a basketball, and Strangepork playing a kazoo.
Link Hogthrob
Is this where you're having auditions for the basketball team?
Beverly
Well, why not? We might just as well.
Link dribbles the ball as the pigs continue singing. Beverly sets off a TNT detonator, which quickly quiets the noisy pigs.
Beverly
Okay. Okay, you can all be in Pigoletto.
The pigs all cheer and clear the room.
Miss Piggy
Bev — will you — please — oh for … Beverly, shall I keep my tambourine?
Beverly
Oh, absolutely, Miss Piggy. Why, you play that tambourine almost as well as you sing.
Miss Piggy
(gasp) Ooh! Thank you!
She trots off. Beverly chuckles.
Backstage
Kermit is ganged up on by cross animals.
Kermit
Hey — hey! What's going — Hold it, hold it! Wait a minute! What's going on here?
Cow (RH)
We're angry because you're doing Pigoletto tonight.
Animals
Yeah!
Kermit
What's wrong with that?
Cow (RH)
Well, there's an opera for us cows!
Kermit
What's that?
Cow (RH)
Madame Buttermilk.
Animals
Yeah!
Goat (SW)
Hey. There's one for us goats too.
Kermit
Hmm?
Goat (SW)
Goaterdämmerung.
Animals
Yeah!
Kermit
Watch your language.
Goat (SW)
Ehh.
Otter (DG)
And there's even an opera for us otters, too.
Kermit
What's that?
Otter (DG)
La Traviotter.
Animals
(agreement noises)
Kermit
That's enough. Now come on, back to your dressing rooms. (shoos them away) C'mon! Get outta here! Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Scram! Scram! Scram! Hoo!
Robin
Uncle Kermit?
Kermit
Yeah?
Robin
There's an opera for little frogs like me, too.
Kermit
Really?
Robin
(nods) Low 'n Green. (does a punchline dance)
Kermit
Robin! You're as bad as they are. Now get outta here. (Robin leaves) Hmm. Low 'n Green. Gee. I could play the lead if I scrunched down. (scrunches down) ♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi… ♪ (walks off)
Muppet University
Open on a bronze emblem which reads "E Pluribus Stupidatus."
Sam the Eagle
Welcome to Muppet University.
Zoom out to reveal Sam in a professor's cap.
Sam the Eagle
Hello. Today's lecture will be on microscopic life forms. Underneath this terribly expensive scientific … (taps it) … doohickey — ahem — is a single drop of pond water.
He turns on the projector.
Sam the Eagle
Aha! Leaving frivolity behind, let us now explore the world of the water drop. Lights please. (the lights dim) Ah. What wonders await our eyes?
Kermit the Protozoa
Hi-ho! Kermit the Protozoa here. And what a show we have for you. And now, to kick things off, here he is, the king of the single-celled comics, Fozzie Amoeba! Yaaay!
Fozzie the Amoeba floats by as a fanfare plays.
Fozzie the Amoeba
Hey-hey-hey! A funny thing happened to me on the way to the microscope. This blob came up to me and said, "I haven't had a disease in weeks". So I bit him. Aaah!
Sam makes noises of disapproval and turns the projector off.
Sam the Eagle
Class dismissed! Ugh! (facepalms)
Backstage
Kermit
Okay. That was very nice, Sam.
Sam the Eagle
It was a fiasco.
Kermit
No, no, it was educational. I learned a lot from that.
Sam the Eagle
You did? Oh, bless you, Kermit. Tell me, what did you learn from that? Hm?
Kermit
Well, I learned that those little green protozoa have a lot of talent. (chuckles)
Sam walks off in disgust.
Scooter
Oh! Oh, Kermit — everybody's on stage for the opera except the spear carriers!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present a totally unknown and unrehearsed opera, Pigoletto, uh, sung to the music of La Traviata, and performed for you by the Muppetopolitan Opera Company. Ahem. Uh, it's all very strange, but the good thing about it is that it stars Miss Beverly Sills! Yaaay!
Open on a balcony. Pan over to Beverly.
Beverly
Sempre libera degg'io folleggiare di gioia in gioia, vo' che scorra il viver mio pei sentieri del piacer. Nasca il giorno, o il giorno muoia, sempre lieta ne' ritrovi, a —
Enter the pigs.
Pig (RH)
("Toreador" from Carmen)
Toreador-ah, you and me have come. Toreador, Toreador. This is the only opera that I know. I learned this one in school. We learned the words in French, And even still, I don't know what it means.
Beverly
…a diletti sempre nuovi, dee volare il mio pensier. Dee volar, dee volar, Dee volare il mio pensier. Dee volar, dee volar, (vocalizes) … mio pensier.
Piggy, playing Cleopatra, makes a grand entrance on a ship manned by two pig slaves who row to the beat of Verdi's "Grand March" from Aida.
Miss Piggy
Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Go! Ahem. AHEM! Ahem.
Applause. Piggy poses, then gets into an "Die Walküre" competition with Beverly.
Miss Piggy
I can sing higher!
Beverly
(vocalizes)
Miss Piggy
I can sing higher!
Beverly
(vocalizes)
Miss Piggy
(vocalizes, ending with low note) Oh yeah!
Beverly
Sempre libera degg'io folleggiare di gioia in gioia, vo' che scorra il viver mio pei sentieri del piacer. Nasca il giorno, o il giorno muoia, sempre lieta ne' ritrovi, a diletti sempre nuovi, a …
Dr. Julius Strangepork
("La donna è mobile")
Let me apologize, For all these other guys. They've done it wrong again. Sung the wrong song again. Tell her that you're sorry.
Pigs
Beverly, we're sorry! Won't you please excuse us For being here at all!
Beverly
… a diletti sempre nuovi dee volare il mio pensier. (vocalizes)
Pigs
God bless America.
Beverly
(vocalizes)
Pigs
God bless America.
Beverly
(vocalizes)
Pigs
il mio pensier, il mio pensier.
Big finish. Applause.
Goodnights
Kermit
Okay! Well, you saw the beginning and middle of The Muppet Show, so this must be the end. Which means that it is time to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Beverly Sills! YAAAAY!
She is surrounded by the cheering pigs.
Beverly
And thank you, Kermit.
Kermit
Oh, oh, thank you, Beverly, you're a great sport to put up with all of our goofiness.
Beverly
Oh, not at all. I really enjoyed it.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Beverly
As a matter of fact, doing The Muppet Show is almost as much fun as doing a serious opera.
Kermit
Wow! Does that mean you'd like to come back next week?
Beverly
I said "almost".
Gonzo
Beverly! Beverly, does this mean that you are forsaking spoon hanging for some lesser art form?
Beverly
(laughs, nods)
Kermit
Gonzo! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You were wonderful, Beverly.
Applause. The credits roll as the chatter continues.
