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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 410: Kenny Rogers.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Kenny Rogers? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Kenny.
Kenny Hey, thanks, Scooter. And while you're at it, I wanna ask you something. I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but what is all of this junk in my dressing room?
Scooter Oh. Well, you know my uncle who owns this theater?
Kenny Yeah. So?
Scooter Well, he sold the mineral rights to your dressing room.
Kenny laughs. Three Arabs enter.
410 cold open.jpg
Arab (JN) Before we start drilling, where should we park the camels?
Kenny takes to the camera.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Kenny Rogers! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf β™ͺ Why don't they make things funny? (laugh)
410 trumpet.jpg
The note Gonzo plays falls flat.
Gonzo What were you expecting, Rachmaninov? (sigh)

Opening number

Main stage. Miss Piggy enters to applause, dressed as a ringmaster.
410 piggy intro.jpg
Miss Piggy Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, all of you! Kissy-kissy! Kissy-kissy. Ahem. Bonjour, and welcome to The Muppet Show, everyone. Our very special guest star tonight is Mr. Kenny Rogers. But! First, let me explain why I am here to greet you. Our own dear Kermie has agreed to appear with petite little moi … in the opening number. He is all ready, so let us go to le circus!
The curtain opens on a circus setting. Kermit, dressed as a trapeze artist, sits on top of a platform with Beauregard at his side.
Miss Piggy

β™ͺ He flies through the air with the greatest of ease,
β™ͺ That daring young frog on the flying trapeze.

Kermit I don't know how she gets me into these things.
Beauregard Are you ready, Kermit?
Kermit Yeah. Just don't push me hard.
410 trapeze.jpg
Beauregard What?
Kermit "Push me hard"!
Beauregard Okay!
Beauregard pushes Kermit, who flies across the stage, falls and hurts himself. The music stops.
Miss Piggy Oh! Kermie! Oh! Oh! (comes to his aid) Are you …
Kermit Uh, yeah, I think so, I'm just a little… woozy, that's all.
410 trapeze crash.jpg
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie …
Gonzo Close the curtains!
Miss Piggy Yes!
Gonzo (to Kermit) Wow! What a terrific act! You want a partner?
Miss Piggy Oh!
The curtains close. Fozzie comes onstage.
Fozzie Oh β€” Kermit! Uh β€” Gonzo, get him backstage. (notices audience) Aaahhh. Don't worry, it's all part of the act. Um … is there a doctor in the house??
Doctor Yes. I'm a doctor.
Fozzie Oh, could you come up here, sir, please?
Doctor I'll be right up.
Fozzie (flustered) I told him to use a safety net. But what do I know? I'm only a bear. Can I help you up, sir?
Doctor Thank you.
410 a doctor in the house.jpg
Fozzie Say, are β€” are you a real doctor?
Doctor Of course I'm a real doctor. You wanna see my bank balance?
Fozzie leads the doctor backstage and addresses the crowd.
Fozzie He's backstage. He's just backstage. Uh, don't worry! Uh, there'll be a slight delay. Just talk amongst yourselves! Uh … (groans)
Statler Aww. Poor little guy. I hope he's not hurt.
Waldorf Well, at least he got the pig to stop singing.
They chuckle.


Kermit sits on a crate as the other Muppets come to his aid. Kenny observes from upstairs.
Miss Piggy Oh! Kermie! Oh!
Gonzo Hey Kermit, are they really drilling for oil in Kenny's dressing room?
Miss Piggy Who cares? My frog is hurt!
410 kenny zoot.jpg
Kenny Hey, Kermit, anything I can do to help?
Kermit Uh β€” oh, Kenny, uh, listen, uh, it's just a sprain, uh β€” but could you send somebody onstage to stall until we get the show going again?
Kenny Yeah, sure β€” Zoot, do us a favor, will you run out and play something for the people?
Zoot Oh, yeah.
Kenny Kermit, I'll get you an ice pack. I'll be right back.
Kenny departs. Zoot goes onstage, while the doctor examines Kermit's flipper.
Scooter C'mon, Zoot. … Get onstage.
Kermit Oh, thanks.
Miss Piggy Oh!… My poor brave hero! Is the pain unbearable?
Kermit Uh, no, I'm just a little shaken up.
Miss Piggy Give it to us straight, Doc! How is he?
Doctor He'll soon be hopping around, good as new.
Piggy and the other Muppets rejoice.
Miss Piggy That's wonderful! Kermie!
Gonzo Whoopee!
Fozzie Oh, that's terrific. Aaahh. ... Hahaha.
Kermit Oh, Beaker? Have you got that hospital bed over there?
Beaker (meeps)
Kermit Yeah, get that onstage right away.
Beaker wheels the bed onstage.
Kermit Yeah, I've got the perfect musical number that we can do next. (limps onstage)
Miss Piggy But why?? Kermie! Why must you go on?
Fozzie Because he's a star. And a star knows that the show must go on!
Miss Piggy I knew that! … I just forgot for a minute there.


Zoot plays "Perdido" onstage. Fozzie approaches him.
Fozzie Okay β€” Zoot, that's enough. Good.
410 zoot stage.jpg
Zoot gives two final toots, then walks away.
Fozzie Uh, ahem β€” ladies and gentlemen, although our beloved Kermit has been seriously injured, he β€”
Kermit Wait, wait, wait, wait. (peeks from curtain) What? Seriously injured? I twisted a flipper.
Fozzie Go back, go back, go back. Ahem. Although he has a severely twisted flipper … he is going to go on with the show!
The audience applauds.
Fozzie Yes, yes, yes, yes! Here he is, our own Kermit the Frog, in … in …
Kermit A hospital bed.
Fozzie A hospital bedβ€”?
410 coconut 2.jpg
A wounded Kermit performs "Coconut" from his hospital bed, attended by the Doctor and two nurses. Slowly things begin to change. First the nurses change, then the doctor turns into The Witch Doctor! The room becomes a jungle filled with animals, dancing around Kermit's bed. As the song ends, everything returns to normal.
Doctor If you call me in the morning, I'll tell you what to do.
410 coconut 3.jpg
He exits. The jungle animals reappear around Kermit's bed. Applause.
Statler Ever gone to a witch doctor?
Waldorf They're all witch. Ever heard of a poor doctor?
They chuckle.

Dressing room

The Arabs have set up even more drilling equipment in Kenny's dressing room.
Kenny Hey, fellas, you know, I really don't mind your drilling for oil in my dressing room, but your camel just stepped on my guitar and broke it.
Arab #2 (JN) Do not worry about the guitar. We will buy you a new one.
Kenny I should hope so.
Scooter Excuse me. Oops.
Kenny Oh, hi, Scooter.
Scooter Hi, Kenny. Oh, Kermit's still not feeling well.
Kenny Oh, that's too bad.
Arab #2 (JN) Do not worry about the frog. We will buy you a new one.
Scooter (groans) Will you stop that? Oh, it's alright, Kenny, we got him resting in a hospital bed.
Kenny That's great. You're not going to have to cancel the show, are you?
410 arab.jpg
The second Arab throws the switch.
Scooter Oh, no, no, but we're gonna have to delay your opening number.
Kenny Oh, that's fine, that's okay.
Scooter So just stay here and relax.
The second Arab throws another switch, and the drills start drilling loudly.
Kenny What?
Scooter I said, "Just stay here and relax".
Kenny What??
Kenny I'll try.
Scooter WHAT?
Scooter WHAT??
Scooter OH! (nods)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Now for a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Muppet Labs has just announced that they are recalling their latest model hospital bed used in the "Lime and Coconut" production number. The beds were built on an assembly line formerly used for pop-up toasters.
410 newsman.jpg
SPROING! Kermit lands in the newsroom.


Piggy, dressed for Vet's Hospital, talks to Foo-Foo. The Newsman pushes Kermit in a wheelchair.
Miss Piggy Foo-Foo, you promise to be nice to da-da froggy. Oh β€” Kermie!
Newsman It's lucky I broke his fall with my desk. (exits)
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, Kermie. I am ready to nurse you back to health.
She accidentally slaps his flipper. He groans.
Kermit Piggy, I'm only just black and blue and green.
Foo-Foo barks at Kermit, then licks him.
410 kermit piggy foo foo.jpg
Kermit And call off this dog of yours, would you?
Miss Piggy Awww. Foo-Foo love da-da.
Kermit Yeah. Will you stop that? Now listen, dog, I'm ticklish!
Kermit wheels away as Foo-Foo chases him.
Miss Piggy Foo-Foo! Foo-Foo!
Kermit And I'm not that dog's da-da!
Miss Piggy Foo-Foo! STOP!! (screams)
Kermit wheels downstairs through the exit door.

"The Gambler"

Main stage. Robin enters to a fanfare.
410 robin stage.jpg
Robin My uncle Kermit isn't quite himself today. He sorta keeps falling down on the job. (elicits laugh) So I thought I'd come out here, as heir apparent.
Kermit Robin!
Robin … Just kidding, uncle Kermit! Anyway, I'm here to introduce tonight's guest star. I really love his singing, and this is a really great song. At least I think it is β€” I'm not old enough to understand it. Uh, but here he is β€” Mr. Kenny Rogers! (waves arms) Yaaaaayy!
410 gambler 1.jpg
Kenny sings his classic "The Gambler" on a train accompanied by three old men Muppets. The gambler himself relates part of the song and chorus, offering Kenny his advice. Soon, though, the gambler dies, and dances around the cabin as a ghost.

UK Spot

"Knees Up Mother Brown" is performed by Fozzie and others in a bar, while Fozzie's mother dances, kicking her knees up. Fozzie is very perturbed by the lyrics of the last chorus.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy frantically wheels the medical trolly towards the operating table.
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Well, Nurse Janice, who's the next patient?
Janice Well, see for yourself, Dr. Bob.
He lifts the sheet and reveals the patient β€” Kermit.
Miss Piggy (gasp) Oh! Oh, it's Kermit! My Kermie! Oh! Oh!
Kermit Uh, take it easy, I'm okay.
Miss Piggy (mutters) Quiet. This is a very dramatic moment. (resumes her hysterics) Oh! Oh! Oh! Kermie! I shall nurse you back to health, if it takes a lifetime! Oh!
Janice What do you think's wrong with him, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf Well, for one thing, he's been badly exposed to over-acting. (laughs) Either that, or overexposed to bad acting. (laughs)
Janice Aw, rully.
Miss Piggy I am not acting. I love him!
Rowlf Uh, Nurse Piggy, you cannot let your personal feelings affect your duty. You are a nurse.
Miss Piggy I may be a nurse, but I'm a woman first.
Rowlf Wrong. You're a pig first! Nurse second. I don't think "woman" made the top ten.
He and Janice laugh.
Miss Piggy (annoyed) Dr. Bob…
Rowlf Oh, he's alright, he's alright. He just looks like he was under heavy sedation.
Janice Well, he was under heavy sedation. A fifty-pound box of sleeping pills fell on his head.
Rowlf and Janice laugh.
Kermit It did not!
Janice I know, but it's my only joke.
Rowlf (laughs)
Miss Piggy Oh! My poor, poor Kermie. Aww.
Rowlf Well, he's still breathing, but I think his pulse is weak.
Miss Piggy Oh β€” Kermie! Kermie, can you hear me? This is Nurse Piggy! I will never leave your side till you have taken your last breath! Do you think he heard me?
Rowlf He must have. His pulse has stopped. (laughs)
Janice (groans)
Miss Piggy If anything happens to him, you will have me to account to!
Rowlf Good! I was wondering who was gonna pay his bill. (laughs)
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Kermit say …
Kermit Let me outta here! I wanna get outta here!
410 vets hospital.jpg
Miss Piggy No, no, Kermie, no, no, don't β€” no. Stay here, where it's safe.
The light fixture falls on her.
Rowlf (laughs)
Janice Oh, rully. Rully.
Statler Did you see that?
Wadorf Yes, the frog is certainly taking a beating on this show.
Statler Yeah. It's hard to feel sorry for him. We take a beating every show!
They chuckle.


410 kermit backstage.jpg
By now, most of the backstage area has been taken over by oil equipment. Kermit walks backstage, rubbing his head. He looks over the rundown.
Kenny Hey Kermit, are you okay?
Kermit Uh, I'm okay, Kenny. If I can survive that bit, I can survive anything. (shakes head)
Kenny (to camera) Very durable frog.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) The makers of the light fixture used in that last Veterinarian's Hospital have announced that they are recalling all of their hospital lights. A spokesman for the company said that all manufacturing of that particular light fixture has been dropped.
410 news flash 2.jpg
BONK! It falls on his head.
Statler Do they sell insurance for this show?
Statler and Waldorf chuckle.

Gonzo's stunt

Kermit hobbles onto the stage with crutches. Piggy rushes to his aid.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh! Lean on me, dearest!
Kermit Piggy! I β€” I don't have to lean on anybody. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo will now shoot himself heavenward in a catapult, and skywrite the Hallelujah Chorus. (nods)
410 kermit piggy.jpg
Miss Piggy Good grief.
Kermit Uh β€” ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo! (hobbles away)
Miss Piggy Um β€” (waves arms) β€” yaaaayyy!
The curtain opens to a fanfare. Gonzo sits in the catapult.
410 catapult.jpg
Gonzo (sigh) Ladies and gentlemen, I will once again defy death and good taste! May I have a drumroll for my catapult, please!
A drumroll is heard. Gonzo tugs at the catapult's strap.
Gonzo Uh-oh. (gets off) Kermit! I'm in trouble! Help! (tugs)
Piggy walks Kermit over to Gonzo.
Gonzo Hurry!
Kermit Okay …
Gonzo Can't you get it β€”
Kermit (to Piggy) I don't need help!
Miss Piggy Yes, dear.
Gonzo Oh, this is humiliating. Just help me.
Kermit Uh, what's the matter, what's the matter?
Miss Piggy What is it?
Gonzo Look, pull β€” help me pull β€” pull the lever!
Kermit What, this lever over here?
Miss Piggy Where? Over here?
Gonzo No, this lever!
Gonzo pulls the right lever, launching Kermit and Piggy into Statler and Waldorf's box. Fozzie and Scooter rush onstage.
Fozzie What happened?
Gonzo Those two stole my act!
Fozzie Curt β€” Scooter, get the curtain down! Move this! Curtain!
Fozzie tries to move the catapult offstage. Gonzo tries to stop him.
Gonzo What?? β€” I worked all week! Ouch!
Fozzie Who cares?

"Love Lifted Me"

As Gonzo and Fozzie continue arguing, Piggy and Kermit get up, dazed.
Kermit Uh β€” you okay, Piggy?
Miss Piggy Where am I?
410 s and w box.jpg
Kermit Quiet down out there! Uh, we gotta restore some order around here. Is Kenny Rogers back there? Oh, Kenny?
Kenny enters to applause.
Kenny Kermit, I honestly don't believe what's going on around here. Are you okay β€” were you hurt?
Kermit Uh, no, no , I β€” I'm fine, Kenny. Uh, I was just wondering if you could sing a song, or β€” or something not crazy?
Miss Piggy Yes, please!
Kenny Sure β€” well, yeah, let me get my guitar β€” can we get the curtains open here and I'll get my guitar.
The curtains open, and he takes his guitar and places a stool at the front center of the stage.
Kenny I can see where this place would need some calming down after all of that. This is a β€” a sing-a-long, and I want everybody to help us out with this. This is really simple. You help me out β€” now I'll show you how it goes. (plays)

β™ͺ Love lifted me. Now they just don't come any simpler than that.
β™ͺ Love lifted me. Sounds a lot like the first part.
β™ͺ When nothing else would do,
β™ͺ You know, love lifted me.
See, see, now this is really one of the more simple songs you'll ever hear in your life, so there's no excuse for you not to help us out and sing it. So, if everybody's ready now, we'll take it, and here we go.

Kenny continues. A Whatnot country trio joins him, followed by Beauregard, Scooter and Gonzo.
410 love lifted me 1.jpg

β™ͺ I'll write myself a simple song,
β™ͺ Get the whole world to sing along,
β™ͺ I'll call it a love song for you.
β™ͺ And who knows, I'm liable
β™ͺ To take a song from the Bible,
β™ͺ And then when I'm through,
β™ͺ I'll just sing β€”
β™ͺ Love lifted me.
β™ͺ Love lifted me.
β™ͺ When nothing else would do,
β™ͺ Love lifted me.

Other Muppets join them, including Janice, Winny, Lew Zealand and the Gambler.

β™ͺ Love lifted me. (Ohh,)
β™ͺ Love lifted me.
β™ͺ And when nothing else would do,
β™ͺ Love lifted me.

Backstage, the equipment starts making noises and steaming.
Arab (JN) We're deep! … It's a gusher!
Arabs It's a gusher! (rejoicing)

β™ͺ Love lifted me. (Ohh,)
β™ͺ Love lifted me.
β™ͺ When nothing else would do,
β™ͺ Love lifted me.

410 love lifted me 2.jpg
Kermit, Piggy, Statler and Waldorf join in, and so do the audience.

β™ͺ Love lifted me. (Ohh,)
β™ͺ Love lifted me.
β™ͺ And when nothing else would do,
β™ͺ Love … lifted … me.



Kermit hobbles onstage with the crutches.
Kermit Uh, well, it's uh, it's been one of those shows. And I'd like to thank our very special guest star for holding it all together, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Kenny Rogers! Yaaaayy!
Kenny Thank you. … Kermit, I wanna also say to you, this has not been all work for me, I want you to know. I have thoroughly enjoyed it, for one thing. Secondly, I also made an interesting trade for some gasoline.
Kermit Oh, yeah? Well, what did you offer in return?
Kenny I offered singing lessons.
410 closing.jpg
The Arabs come out, singing "Love Lifted Me" in their own language.
Kermit Hoo boy. Hey, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
The credits roll as the other Muppets gather onstage.
Statler wears a hardhat.
Waldorf What's the hardhat for?
Statler I want to be ready in case they start throwing pigs at us again!
They chuckle.