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Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
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Kermit
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Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, as we all know, there is no way we will ever replace Gonzo the Great.
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Gonzo
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You tell 'em, Kermit!
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Kermit
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But that doesn't mean we won't try. Ahem. Yes, the man who plans to fill Gonzo's shoes is even now standing in the wings.
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Trevor
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(cuddles Camilla) Later, Camilla, you cute little doll. I gotta go onstage now.
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Camilla
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(sigh)
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Kermit
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So here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Trevor the Gross!
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The curtain opens on Trevor, standing by a giant bucket.
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Trevor
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Thank you. Thank you. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I, Trevor the Gross, will now sing "Top Hat" while tap-dancing in this vat of oatmeal!
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Gonzo
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THAT DOES IT!
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Trevor
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What's this?
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Gonzo
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All right, stop! You can steal my job, you can steal my girlfriend, but you cannot have my oatmeal dance!!
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Kermit
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Gonzo, will you get off the stage?
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Gonzo
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No!
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Kermit
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Good grief. Uh, close the curtain! Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
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A fanfare plays as the curtain closes.
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Kermit
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Gonzo! What is this all about?
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Gonzo
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Well — my film deal fell through, but I'm willing to accept my old position back.
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Kermit
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Yeah, but Gonzo …
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Gonzo
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Oh, please, Kermit! Kiss kiss, grovel grovel!
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Kermit
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Stop kissing my flipper! Gonzo! Have you no dignity?
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Gonzo
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Of course not. How long have we worked together?
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Kermit
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(frowns)
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Fozzie peeks from behind the curtain.
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Fozzie
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Uh, hi, uh, listen, everything's just alright. (the crowd boos) Kermit! Do something! They're getting mean out there! (runs away)
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Kermit
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Uh — listen, I promised the oatmeal act to Trevor.
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Trevor
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That's right! And I won't give it up! I love the oatmeal act.
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Gonzo
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Sic 'im, girls!
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Kermit
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What?
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The chickens attack Trevor.
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Trevor
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Wait! Enough! Okay! You can have the oatmeal act! (runs away)
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Kermit
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I guess it's settled then! Gonzo, you get ready, I'll go introduce you.
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Gonzo
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Yippee! Haha!
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The chickens carry him. Kermit goes onstage.
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Kermit
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Uh, may I have your attention please? I'm sorry for the delay. I'm happy to announce the return engagement of Gonzo the Great — are you ready back there, Gonzo?
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Gonzo
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Okay.
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Kermit
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Okay — who will sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great! YAAAYY!
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Curtain up. Gonzo barely gets through the first verse before becoming engulfed in oatmeal.
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Kermit
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Uh, wait, wait — he sank into the oatmeal!
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Gonzo
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Help! Help!
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Fozzie
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Wha, wha — don't worry, don't worry! We got spoons and milk and brown sugar!
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Lew Zealand
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Yeah! We're gonna eat our way through to him!
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Kermit
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Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
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Waldorf
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What are they doing with those spoons?
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Statler
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Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
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Waldorf
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Hmm. I'm not surprised. That's how they get all their acts.
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They chuckle.
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