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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 411: Lola Falana.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Lola Falana? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Lola.
Lola Thank you. (on phone) Tell them I'm sick. Anything. Just get me out of it!
Scooter Huh?
Lola Oh β€” sorry, Scooter, uh, just talking to my agent.
Scooter Ah.
Lola What did you say?
Scooter Uh, I said "fifteen seconds to curtain".
Lola Thank you, darling.
Scooter Uh-huh. (exits)
Lola (on phone) You gotta work fast, Bernie. You've only got fifteen seconds.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lola Falana! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler Hey, don't start on our account! (laughs with Waldorf)
Gonzo blows his trumpet triumphantly.
Gonzo Hah. I give autographs after the show.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, hi-ho and welcome to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight, because our special guest star is the wonderful singer, dancer and comedienne, Miss Lola Falana! (whistles from the audience) But first, I have an important announcement to make. Tonight is the last show for Gonzo the Great. (Audience: "Awww.") Uh, Gonzo, come on out here.
Applause as he comes out.
Gonzo Thank you. Thank you. (blows a kiss) Love ya. Yes. It is true, this is it, Kerm.
Kermit Uh, yes, folks, believe it or not, Gonzo is leaving us β€” he's going to Bombay, India, to become a movie star.
Gonzo (sigh) Yep. I got an offer from 20th Century Chicken.
Kermit Uh, Gonzo, we wish you all the luck in the world.
Gonzo Well, thanks, Kerm. Hey, listen, I want you know, I'm never going to forget all you little people I met along the way.
Kermit (frowns) Uh … uh, thanks.
Gonzo It ain't nuttin', really. (exits)
Kermit True. Anyhow, here for Gonzo's last show is an opening number by his favorite people, the Muppet chickens! Yaaaay!
Open on a chicken coop. The chickens sing "Pick a Little, Talk a Little." Gonzo shows up near the end to sing "Goodnight, Ladies," proffering a touching farewell to his harem.
Waldorf Uh, you know, it's too bad Gonzo's leaving the show.
Statler Yeah. I can think of some other people I'd rather see leave the show.
Waldorf Who?
Statler Me!
They chuckle.


The heartbroken chickens pass Kermit.
Chicken (KM) I just can't believe he's leaving.
Kermit Uh, watch the crying, girls. You'll get depressed and start to molt. (through the intercom) Okay, the one-octopus band onstage please!
Kermit Okay, Herbie, get out there. Get out there. Move it, move it, move it.
Miss Piggy The little blue geek got a movie deal?!? (Kermit nods) Oh, Kermit, how β€” (spots Gonzo with Camilla) Oh, Gonzo! Hah β€” Gonzo, dear … Yes.
Gonzo Oh, hi, Miss Piggy. Camilla, why don't I meet you up in the dressing room, honey? (shoves her off) Love you, babe! Hahahah.
Miss Piggy Oh, boy. Uh β€” Gonzo, I was just talking about you.
Kermit Yeah, in fact she said you were a little blue gβ€”
Miss Piggy Uh, Kermit, uh, don't you have to go onstage and wave your arms, or something?
Kermit Uh, uh, sure. Hahahaha. (waves arms and goes onstage) Whoo!
Miss Piggy "Hahahaha." Uh, Gonzo, uh, I am just so proud of you and your movie deal.
Gonzo Oh. Well, I guess it was just in the cards, M.P.
Miss Piggy (holds back hostility) Yes, yes, and um, I just uh, want you to know that uh, at your movie studio, if you should ever happen upon a producer, who is looking for a … ahem … sex goddess …
Gonzo Yes, I'll know just who to call.
Miss Piggy Ahem. Thank you.
Gonzo Camilla.
Miss Piggy WHAT?
Gonzo That little chickie babe is dynamite! She makes most movie queens look like pigs! (runs off)
Miss Piggy DON'T COME BACK, TURKEY-TWIT! (grimaces)
The octopus walks past her. She karate-chops him.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!

"He's the Greatest Dancer"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay. Well, it's guess star time, and stand by for a great one. Here she is, one of the top all-around entertainers in the business, Lola Falana! YAAAY!
Lola, the Muppet Monsters, and Fletcher Bird dance and sing "He's the Greatest Dancer". Gonzo joins them, until Fletcher kicks him offstage. Applause.
Waldorf Ah, do you ever go to those dances?
Statler Dance? I got a slipped disc-o.
They chuckle.
Waldorf "Slipped disc-o!" (laughs)


Gonzo consoles Camilla.
Gonzo Aww, Camilla, Camilla, Camilla, love ya, baby. Hey. As soon as I get my mansion and limousine, I'm a-gonna send for ya.
Camilla (swoons)
Gonzo Oh, yes.
The dancers pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, everybody. Lola, that was great.
Lola Thank you, thank you, Kermit, but I couldn't have done it without Gonzo. Gonzo, baby, put it here.
Gonzo Huh?
Lola Right here. (shakes his nose) I tell you, I have worked with of the biggest, but you're right up there with the best, no doubt. (goes upstairs) Oh, and don't forget to stop by my dressing room. I want to give you my phone number.
Gonzo Hey, I'll be there, babe.
Camilla clucks angrily, punches Gonzo and walks off.
Kermit Oh, Gonzo, you gotta get onstage to do your last number for us.
Gonzo Oh, sure, babe. Heh. I gotta admit though, it's gonna seem strange not workin' for ya, K.F.
Kermit (frowns) Uh, it's gonna be strange for us too, Gonzo.
Gonzo Still, no regrets.
Kermit Hmm.
Gonzo Well, one regret.
Kermit Oh?
Gonzo I never did my masterpiece act for you.
Kermit Uh, what's that?
Gonzo I sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal.
Kermit Uh, it's an act worthy of your talent, Gonzo.
Gonzo And of your show.
Kermit (frowns) TouchΓ©. (goes onstage)

"My Way"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, well, folks, as I've already told you, our master of culture and violence is moving on to other things. Uh, so let's give a big warm hand for this, his farewell appearance on The Muppet Show, Gonzo the Great.
The curtain opens on an empty stage. Gonzo leans against an apple box and sings "My Way". Midway through the song, he breaks down crying.
Kermit Gonzo? Are you okay, Gonzo? It's just a song.
Gonzo I know. It's not the song. I just don't want to go.
Kermit Yeah, but you're going to go out and make movies.
Gonzo (sigh) I want to go there. I just don't want to leave here.
Kermit Well β€” you had a choice to make, Gonzo, and … and you made it, and it was a good choice.
Gonzo I know.
Kermit I don't like long goodbyes, Gonzo, so uh …
Kermit reaches his hand out to shake Gonzo's. Gonzo hugs Kermit.
Kermit Take care of yourself, Gonzo.
Gonzo You, too. (sniffles)
Kermit (to camera) Uh, we β€” we've had a little change of plans. Uh β€” I think we'd better just take a break.
He exits with his arm around Gonzo's shoulder.

UK spot

Camilla and the chickens sing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair". Camilla pecks Gonzo's picture and rips it off the wall. Applause.
Statler Well, he's actually gone. Will we ever forget him?
Waldorf Who?
Statler You know, uh, uh … what's-his-name.
They chuckle.


Gonzo stands by the stage door, forlorn. He listens in on Scooter's conversation with Kermit.
Scooter So, chief, did you find a replacement for Gonzo?
Kermit A replacement? Gee, Scooter, how could you possibly replace somebody like Gonzo?
Scooter Easy! I know someone who'd probably be perfect!
Kermit You do?
Scooter Sure. He's the best friend of my uncle.
Kermit The best friend of the man who owns this theater?
Scooter The best friend of the man you owe three months' back rent to.
Kermit (gulp) Uh, uh, sounds very talented. (nods) What's his name?
Scooter Trevor the Gross!
Trevor Ta-da! When do I start?
Kermit Uh, well, probably right away, Trevor.
Scooter Come on, Trevor! We'll clean out Gonzo's dressing room.
Kermit Uh, fine, but you'll probably need shovels.
They all laugh and disperse.
Scooter "Probably need shovels"!
Gonzo (moans) My whole life is passing before my eyes.

Muppet Sports

The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger This is Louis Kazagger with Muppet Sports. And we've got a dandy today: the Marathon Tree-Staring Contest. For more than 87 hours, Klaus Mueller of West Paraguay has been trying to outstare that tree. It's the classic confrontation: man against wood.
Klaus leans towards the tree, which trembles.
Louis Kazagger Wait a minute… yes. The tree is beginning to crack. Mueller moves in for the kill.
The tree flinches. Applause. Klaus does a victory dance.
Louis Kazagger And it's all over! Mueller has outstared the tree! Our congratulations, Klaus. You've just won the $10,000 prize.
Klaus Oh, muchas gracias, seΓ±or!
The tree falls on Klaus.
Louis Kazagger I'll personally see to it that his widow gets the money.
Tree (JN) But he wasn't married.
Louis Kazagger Shut up! (shakes head)

Dressing room

Lola hangs up her outfit, then finds Gonzo hiding in her closet.
Lola (hums) He's the greatest dancer β€” (shrieks)
Lola Gonzo! What are you doing in there? I thought you were on your way to Bombay, India, to become a movie star.
Gonzo (sniffles) I was, but then I got this telegram.
Lola (reads) "To Gonzo the Great, c/o Muppet Show β€” Thought we were hiring another performer named Gonzo the Mediocre. Contract canceled." Gonzo, oh, don't worry, come on. I'm sure Kermit'll give you your job right back.
Gonzo No. They already replaced me with this dumb-looking bird. (sigh) They're cleaning out my dressing room. They threw out my mildew collection!
Lola (gasp)
Gonzo (sigh) I'll never work again.
Lola Oh, no, there must be other shows you could work on.
Gonzo No. It's hopeless. The Great Gonzo is … (blows a kiss) … finis.
Music swells up.
Lola Oh, no, wait. Before you quit, there's one more thing you should try.
Gonzo What's that?
He sits on her lap. She sings "Smile".
Lola You see?
Gonzo Yeah. Thank you, Lola.
Lola You feel better now?
Gonzo Of course. Now I can smile my way through the rest of my miserable life. (exits)
Lola I think he missed the point.

Trevor the Gross vs. Gonzo the Great

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, as we all know, there is no way we will ever replace Gonzo the Great.
Gonzo You tell 'em, Kermit!
Kermit But that doesn't mean we won't try. Ahem. Yes, the man who plans to fill Gonzo's shoes is even now standing in the wings.
Trevor (cuddles Camilla) Later, Camilla, you cute little doll. I gotta go onstage now.
Camilla (sigh)
Kermit So here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Trevor the Gross!
The curtain opens on Trevor, standing by a giant bucket.
Trevor Thank you. Thank you. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I, Trevor the Gross, will now sing "Top Hat" while tap-dancing in this vat of oatmeal!
Trevor What's this?
Gonzo All right, stop! You can steal my job, you can steal my girlfriend, but you cannot have my oatmeal dance!!
Kermit Gonzo, will you get off the stage?
Gonzo No!
Kermit Good grief. Uh, close the curtain! Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
A fanfare plays as the curtain closes.
Kermit Gonzo! What is this all about?
Gonzo Well β€” my film deal fell through, but I'm willing to accept my old position back.
Kermit Yeah, but Gonzo …
Gonzo Oh, please, Kermit! Kiss kiss, grovel grovel!
Kermit Stop kissing my flipper! Gonzo! Have you no dignity?
Gonzo Of course not. How long have we worked together?
Kermit (frowns)
Fozzie peeks from behind the curtain.
Fozzie Uh, hi, uh, listen, everything's just alright. (the crowd boos) Kermit! Do something! They're getting mean out there! (runs away)
Kermit Uh β€” listen, I promised the oatmeal act to Trevor.
Trevor That's right! And I won't give it up! I love the oatmeal act.
Gonzo Sic 'im, girls!
Kermit What?
The chickens attack Trevor.
Trevor Wait! Enough! Okay! You can have the oatmeal act! (runs away)
Kermit I guess it's settled then! Gonzo, you get ready, I'll go introduce you.
Gonzo Yippee! Haha!
The chickens carry him. Kermit goes onstage.
Kermit Uh, may I have your attention please? I'm sorry for the delay. I'm happy to announce the return engagement of Gonzo the Great β€” are you ready back there, Gonzo?
Gonzo Okay.
Kermit Okay β€” who will sing "Top Hat" while dancing in a vat of oatmeal, ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great! YAAAYY!
Curtain up. Gonzo barely gets through the first verse before becoming engulfed in oatmeal.
Kermit Uh, wait, wait β€” he sank into the oatmeal!
Gonzo Help! Help!
Fozzie Wha, wha β€” don't worry, don't worry! We got spoons and milk and brown sugar!
Lew Zealand Yeah! We're gonna eat our way through to him!
Kermit Close the curtain! Close the curtain!
Waldorf What are they doing with those spoons?
Statler Scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Waldorf Hmm. I'm not surprised. That's how they get all their acts.
They chuckle.

Backstage / "United We Stand"

They push the vat backstage. Gonzo dries off with a towel.
Scooter I got some raisins!
Lew Zealand Well, bring 'em!
Kermit Oh, boy. What a disaster. What a mess. Gonzo, you're a mess. I tell ya, everything's gone wrong.
Lola Kermit β€” what are you so upset about? I mean, I thought the most important thing would be that Gonzo is back.
Kermit Oh. Y'know β€” you're right, Lola. Gonzo, it's nice to have you back.
Gonzo Aww. Well, let's face it. I wouldn't really wanna be anyplace else.
Lola That's a nice thing to say, Gonzo. In fact …
Music swells up. She sings "United We Stand" and is soon joined by the other Muppets.


Kermit Okay! Well, now that our weird little family is all back together again, I guess that wraps up another show. But before we go, let us say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Lola Falana! YAAAAYY!
Applause. The Muppets join her.
Lola Thank you, thank you, Kermit. You know, it's been just wonderful being a part of reuniting this great big wonderful family.
Muppets Aww.
Gonzo (yelps) Miss Piggy, you're standing on my foot.
Miss Piggy The wimp is back.
Scooter Hey, don't call him a wimp!
Miss Piggy He is! Lola?
Commotion ensues.
Lola Fellas, do you β€” do you remember?
Kermit Well, uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets argue as the credits roll.
Statler You know, Gonzo would have been perfect for that movie he was gonna star in.
Waldorf What movie was that?
Statler The Revenge of the Little Blue Geek.
They chuckle.