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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 412: Phyllis George.

Cold Open

Dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and enters wearing a tuxedo.
Scooter Phyllis George! Phyllis George? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Phyllis!
Phyllis Thank you, Scooter.
Scooter Say, we've got a very special show planned for you tonight. You're gonna love it!
Phyllis Are you sure about that?
Scooter Oh, I guarantee. It's exciting, suspenseful —
Phyllis Is it funny?
Scooter … the guarantee just ran out.
Phyllis laughs.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Phyllis George! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler (to audience) Why don't we all go home and read a book?!
Statler and Waldorf chuckle.
Gonzo open 412.jpg
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head.

The Muppet Awards

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And, as a very special treat, we have, as our guest star, the beautiful and talented Miss Phyllis George! That is the good news. Now for the bad news - we have a very dumb show planned for you tonight. (frowns)
Fozzie Kermit! Kermit! You can't tell the audience that tonight's show is dumb!
Statler Don't worry about it, bear.
Waldorf Yeah, we noticed years ago. (they chuckle)
Kermit Well, in any case, I am not going to stick around because I am going to turn this show over to our guest host, the wonderful Miss Phyllis George! Yaaaaay!
Phyllis enters to applause.
Phyllis Kermit. Are you sure you want me to do this?
Kermit Uh, Phyllis, the stage is all yours. I'm taking the night off. (walks away) Bye, Fozzie!
Fozzie That's okay, Phyllis, I'll help you later. (walks away)
Phyllis Okay! Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Muppet Academy of Arts and Sciences, welcome to the first annual Muppet Awards!
The curtain opens to reveal a fancy backdrop with a podium. Phyllis walks to the podium.
Phyllis What an exciting evening. The tension and excitement is unbelievable. Backstage, the Muppets are standing by, anxiously waiting to see who the winners will be.
Fozzie, Sam, Floyd, Gonzo, Piggy, Scooter and Camilla wait in the wings.
Sam the Eagle You are losers. All losers.
Phyllis So now, to get things started, let's listen to the first of the numbers nominated for Best Song of the Year. (looks at the paper, confused) How do you pronounce this? Oh — "Svrëb, de Plëbåt Bånånå"!
The back curtain opens. The Swedish Chef sings a mock-Swedish rendition of "Yes, We Have No Bananas" in a grocery store with the Singing Food.
Waldorf I didn't understand a word of that.
Statler Med brüst nü låd då frütrå!
Waldorf Huh. Well, why didn't they say that in the first place? (chuckles)


The Chef and the food come off-stage.
Scooter Hey, who taught all the food to sing in Swedish?
Cauliflower Oh, some meatball! (chuckles)
Scooter goes on-stage.
Beakie I've been nominated for Best Unexplainable Creature category!
Sam the Eagle You don't suppose they give a humanitarian award, do you? (to onion) Get out of here!
Meanwhile, Kermit reads a book in his office. Piggy shows up and embraces him.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie!! Oh! Oh, isn't this exciting?
Kermit I hate award shows.
Miss Piggy Awww…
Scooter (off-screen) They're announcing the first award!
Miss Piggy Oo!
She drops Kermit and runs off. Kermit gets up, frowning.
Kermit I really hate award shows.

The Muppet Awards

Best Sketch

Fozzie stands at the podium.
Fozzie Oh, uh - once again, your host for tonight's award show, miss Phyllis George!
Phyllis comes out to applause.
Fozzie Hello, Phyllis.
Phyllis Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie Ahem. The first Fred Award is for Best Foreign Act. Here are the nominations.
Phyllis "Fred"? You called the award a Fred?
Fozzie (sotto voice) Yeah, we had to call it something and nobody was using "Fred," so …
Phyllis May - excuse me, may I see a Fred please?
Fozzie Uh, hahaha.
He displays an old bowling trophy. Phyllis giggles.
Phyllis It's a bowling trophy!
Fozzie shrugs. Phyllis reads the trophy.
Phyllis "Poughkeepsie Barons, 1977 League Champions". Is this what you're going to —
Fozzie (takes the trophy) Well, there's the nominations. You can just read them. Hahahahaha.
Phyllis The first category is for the best foreign act. There are six nominations and they are: (drumroll) The Zucchini Brothers.
The Zucchini Brothers run on stage, hollering. They take the award and run off stage.
Fozzie You were just nominated! That's all!
Phyllis (shrugs) I guess they won!
Fozzie (sigh) Okay. Moving right along. Now the next category: Best Sketch Award.
The "Pigs in Space" theme music plays.
Fozzie Where? (Phyllis points him to the screen) Oh. There.
Announcer And now, PIGS … IN … SPACE! The first nomination for Best Sketch, for the episode entitled "Pig Alien".
Miss Piggy Pig Alien? Aww, why did they pick that one?
Link Hogthrob I thought I was kinda cute in that one.
Miss Piggy You were the pits. If we are going to win a Fred, we should do "First Mate Piggy Saves the Day."
Link Hogthrob I don't remember that one.
Miss Piggy Well of course you do! It's where you become hysterical and I have to knock you out, like this — (punches him)
Link Hogthrob OOF!
Miss Piggy And then I — I take over the controls —
The door opens, and a pirate pig appears.
Cap'n Blueboar Aharg! I be Cap'n Blueboar!
Miss Piggy Wait, you're not in this sketch.
Cap'n Blueboar Aren't we be doin' Pig Alien?
Miss Piggy No, no, no, we are doing "First Mate Piggy Saves the Day."
Cap'n Blueboar I don't remember that one.
Miss Piggy Of course you do. Link becomes hysterical, I have to knock him out —
Link Hogthrob No, wait — (she punches him again) OOF!
Miss Piggy — and take over the controls!
Cap'n Blueboar Aargh, I remember! Har har har har! (exits)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, my favorite is "Strangepork Takes Up Disco."
Disco music plays, and Strangepork starts dancing.
Link Hogthrob Um — does anybody hit me in that one?
Dr. Julius Strangepork No, Linky.
Link Hogthrob Oh, good! Then that's the one we'll do! (starts dancing)
Miss Piggy Oh, brother! I don't believe this!
Link Hogthrob Come on, Piggy!
Dr. Julius Strangepork All boogie down!
Miss Piggy Get on with the show! I'm gettin' out.
The curtain closes.

Best Song

Fozzie (sigh) Uh, moving right along, with our exciting and entertaining award show — (yells towards the wings) — the show a certain frog said couldn't be done …
Kermit Shouldn't! I say it shouldn't be done!
Fozzie Uh — here is the second nomination for Best Song, sung by miss Phyllis George!
The curtain opens. Phyllis sings "Carbon Paper" as Rowlf plays the piano.

You put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy of your love.
Each dove and pigeon'll
Know who got the original.
Darling, can't you see
What you mean to me?

Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles winks and nudges.
The love that you gave me was a duplicate with smudges.
Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a second sheet of love.

Phyllis Rowlf, it's about this song.
Rowlf Yeah? What about it?
Phyllis Well, it's a little weird.
Rowlf Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I wanted a song that was very weird, but this was the best I could find. (she giggles) Just sing, Phyllis.
Phyllis Oh, how you fooled me with those giggles winks and nudges.
Rowlf The love that he gave you was a duplicate with smudges.

Cause you put a piece of carbon paper under your heart
And gave me just a copy of…

Rowlf Gave you just a copy of…
Phyllis & Rowlf Gave me/you just a second sheet of love.
Statler (taps a sleeping Waldorf) Hey, wake up! What'd you think of that last number?
Waldorf Oh, that George Phyllis is a wonderful singer.
Statler You mean Phyllis George is a wonderful singer.
Waldorf They're both terrific.
They chuckle.

Best Inanimate Object

Scooter And now, the award for Best Performance by an Inanimate Object or a Group of Inanimate Objects. The nominees are … (fanfare) the Singing Food!
The Singing Food gathers around him.
Scooter (fanfare) … The Talking Luggage!
Alligator suitcases gather around him.
Scooter (fanfare) … And the Dancing Mountains! … (looks around) Are they here?
Suitcase If they were here, you'd know about it, kiddo!
They all giggle.
Scooter That's true. And the winner is … (drumroll) … the Dancing Mountains!
The food and luggage quickly run off stage as an earthquake begins. An instrumental of "The Sound of Music" plays.
Kermit What's going on?
Tomato The Dancing Mountains won!
Kermit Good grief! They're coming to accept! (runs to the podium) Aah! Wait! Stop! Wait a minute! Listen! Scooter! Hold it, excuse me, everybody, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! That award will not be presented! (the earthquake stops) Uh, we'll mail it out. (Scooter nods) Now what's next, Scooter?
Scooter Oh, it's the award for the funniest comedy performance by a bear.
Kermit Uh … figures. (walks away)

Comedy Performance

Fozzie Shh! Shh! They are announcing my award.
Scooter And now, the award for the funniest comedy performance by a bear. And the winner is …
Fozzie approaches the podium as a drumroll plays.
Scooter … Billy the Bear!
A fanfare plays. Fozzie reacts in confusion as Billy comes up to accept his award.
Billy Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you! Excuse me! Excuse me! Love ya! Har har, guffaw, haha! Hey, wonderful, wonderful — OOF! (bumps into Fozzie) Excuse me! I thought you was a rug! (rimshot) HA! Hey! Is that your real face, or was your plastic surgeon crosseyed? (rimshot) AHHH! Aw, listen, no hard feelings! Come on, have a cigar!
Fozzie No thank you, I -
Billy shoves a cigar in Fozzie's mouth and lights it. BANG! It explodes. Billy laughs, then hits Fozzie with a pie and exits.

UK Spot

The canteen. The Zucchini Brothers pose for pictures.
Zucchini Brothers Cheese! (flash!)
Photographer Thank you!
Louis Kazagger approaches.
Zucchini Brothers Oh Louis! Louis! Louis Kazagger!
Louis Kazagger Yes, thank you. I'm here today, talking to the Zucchinis, who have, indeed, their award right here.
Zucchini Brothers Ah, we win the award! (cheer)
Louis Kazagger Tell me, Biondo, how does it feel, now that you've finally won something after all these years in show business?
Biondo Well, I'm-a glad-a you ask-a me that-a, Louis. You see, we win-a because we are the best-a foreign act!
Zucchini Brothers Yay! We the best! Yay!
Biondo And, because it-a make us-a feel-a good!
Zucchini Brothers Yay! Feel good! That's right, that's right.
Louis Kazagger Yes, well, tell me, weren't you worried about your competition, the Nippon Flippers, the Swahili Stompers, and the Volga Shoatmen?
Biondo Oh, he say "worried"!
Zucchini Brothers (laughing) Worry, we don't worry …
Biondo No, no! We win and nobody ever gonna take-a this award away from us!
Louis Kazagger I see. Well, we—
Two stilts spring down and recline. Another athlete snatches the trophy.
Louis Kazagger It appears that the —
Biondo Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Louis Kazagger — yes, the Nippon Flippers have indeed taken the award. Biondo, how does it feel now that someone's taken the award away from you?
Biondo (sobbing) Oh, Louis! We was-a robbed! This is an outrage! We gonna report-a this to U.N.! Yeah, si.
The two stilts spring down again, and two African masked figures snatch the award.
Louis Kazagger Now it appears that the — yes, I think — oh — the Swahili Stompers have got the award, and there seems to be some confusion about this category.
Two Russian pigs run by, chased by the Zucchinis and the Flippers.
Louis Kazagger Now the Volga Shoatmen have the award! Indeed — in fact, it's developing into a lively debate.
Luncheon Counter Monster snatches the award, then eats it.
Louis Kazagger Now there's someone new on the scene here. This one appears young and hungry — and indeed is up to his appearances.
Biondo Hey, you eat-a that — oh no!
Luncheon Counter Monster It's all gone! (laughs)
Louis Kazagger And by the way, here at the theater, odds have riven a hundred to one that the peace prize will never be given.
He is punched in the face. The scene ends in chaos.

The Muppet Awards

Best Song

We now return to the podium, where Phyllis stands.
Phyllis And now, I'd like to introduce Rowlf, with another nominee for Song of the Year. I would also like to point out that the George mentioned in the song is not Phyllis. I mean, wait till you hear this one. You thought the carbon paper song was strange. (giggles)
Rowlf sits at the piano and plays.
Rowlf I'd like to sing for you, now, a little song entitled, "You and I and George". I'm sure you've never heard of this song. Matter of fact, "You and I and George" is one of the most unheard-of songs of all time. In its only recording, "You and I and George" sold two copies. I bought one, and … George bought one. Where were you?
He plays an opening vamp, then sings.

You and I and George
Were strolling … through the park one day.
And then … you held my hand.
As if to say …
"I looooooove yooooou."
We came to a brook.
And George … fell in and drowned himself …
And floated … out to sea…
Leaving you … aloooone with meeeee!


Stunt of the Year

Link enters, to a fanfare.
Link Hogthrob Uh, Miss George has asked me to announce the next category. The winner of the Stunt of the Year Award is … (drumroll) … The 500-foot group plunge, recreated for us now by the Falling Alfonzos!
Acrobats begin falling from the ceiling, mostly landing on Link. He hands the trophy to one of them.
Link Hogthrob Here is your award, sir.
Another one falls on him. Phyllis watches from the wings with Scooter and Fozzie.
Phyllis (giggling) See why I asked him to announce it?

Best Guest Star

Fozzie runs up to the podium.
Fozzie Oh, brother. Uh … (looks up) Phew! And now, to read the list of the nominees for Best Guest Star Appearance on a Muppet Show, here is Scooter!
A picture of each guest star is shown as Scooter sings to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".

There's John and Liza, Sly and Bob, and Elton J., who wasn't bad.
Raquel and Steve and Cheryl, Alice, Edgar B., he's Charlie's dad.
As well as Candice, she was great and really earned her salary.
So did Twiggy, Ethel, Kaye, and Peter, Paul and Valerie.


There's Crystal, Victor, Linda, Dudley, Helen, Roy, and Judy.
There's Milton, Phyllis, Cloris, James, Loretta, Spike, and Rudy.
There's Elke, Liberace, Lynn, and Harry, Avery, Cleo, Lou.
Teresa, Jaye P., Gilda, Rich, Don, Jean, Bruce, Pearl, and Leo too.
(takes a breath)


There's Lena, Harvey, Juliet, Dyan, and if I get a chance,
I'll try to find a place where I can also mention Mummenschanz.
Along with Roy and Dale, Petula, Andy, Phyllis, Rita, Dom, and Nance,
and Sandy, Arlo, Joel, and George.


And Florence, Dizzy, Julie, Anne, Lorene and Bob, and Peter.
And Connie, Kenny, Bernadette, Marisa, Kris and Rita.
Madeline, and Señor Wences, Lola, Charles, and Beverly.
This list is getting much too long so I'll just end it cleverly.
Leslie, Lesley Ann, and John, and Danny, he's my hero.
Roger, Ruth, Jim, Vincent, Ben, and last not least is Zero!

Phyllis Thank you very much, Scooter. And the winner is … (drumroll as she opens the envelope) … the winner is me, Phyllis George! Thank you, everyone!
Statler Of course Phyllis George won. No one else is here! (they chuckle)
Waldorf None of the others would be dumb enough to come back! (they chuckle)
Phyllis This award will certainly sit in a place of honor. (it breaks) … What do I do now?
Beauregard (appears with a push broom) Here.
Phyllis Oh, thank you. (starts sweeping) For a second there, I was overcome by the thrill of victory. (giggles)
Beauregard Next, we have the second nomination for the Best Sketch, Veterinarian's Hospital!

Best Sketch

Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf (reading from a card) I'd like to thank the members of the academy …
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob … what are you doing?
Rowlf I'm practicing my acceptance speech. Ha ha ha ha.
Miss Piggy But we haven't won yet.
Janice No, we have to do the sketch first.
Rowlf We do? Well, I might as well forget this. (crumples up the speech and chucks it)
Miss Piggy Wait - we can still win.
Janice Yeah, but we've got real tough competition.
Rowlf I was afraid of that. What's our competition?
Janice Pigs in Space.
Rowlf I'd like to thank the members of the academy …
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob! I was the star of Pigs in Space. Ahem. (poses)
Rowlf Also my producer, my director …
Miss Piggy Can it, Bob!
Janice Nurse Piggy, you're in both sketches. You can't lose.
Miss Piggy Gee. You're right. (shrugs) Eh. Not much point in going on. (nods)
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy Aw, knock it off! Let's get to the award.
They follow her off-stage.

Performer of the Year

Back to the podium, and Phyllis, giggling at the previous sketch.
Phyllis Well, there you have it. The last of the nominees for Best Sketch of the Year.
Piggy rushes to the wings, now wearing a shiny gown.
Miss Piggy (panting) Oh! Oh! Floyd, how do I look?
Floyd Um … nervous, Piggy?
Miss Piggy Of course not, Floyd. I am in both nominated sketches. There is no way for moi to lose. (sigh)
Phyllis And the winner is … (drumroll as she opens the envelope) … the judges have chosen not to award a Fred in this category.
Miss Piggy WHAT?!? (rushes to the podium) Whaddya mean, I lost? I'll cut ya in two, Phyllis George!
Phyllis Wait a minute. It's not me. I didn't decide.
Miss Piggy Wha, well, who did?
Phyllis Well, the Blue Ribbon panel of judges.
Miss Piggy Don't tell me judges! Who are they? What names shall we carve on their tombstones?
Phyllis Miss Piggy, don't you think you'd better go backstage and get ready for the next category?
Miss Piggy No! Why should I?
Phyllis Well, it's the big one. Performer of the Year, and you're nominated!
Miss Piggy (a beat)Moi? Ah, Performer of the Year, yes, of course, Phyllis my sweet! I shall go get ready. (to audience) Kissy-kissy, judges! (prances off-stage)
Phyllis (chuckles) Isn't she cute?
Piggy rushes backstage, grabbing Kermit.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Come with me, Kermie! Oh, come on! The big award is about to be given!
Kermit Yeah, bu-bu-bu-but Piggy, uh, listen, Piggy, you know, these awards don't mean anything to me.
Miss Piggy But — Kermie. But — I want you next to me when I win.
Kermit But Piggy, who's your competition?
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, you old silly! What competition?
A fanfare plays.
Phyllis Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one Fred left. And it belongs to that person our Blue Ribbon panel has voted to be … Performer of the Year. (drumroll) The nominees are … Miss Piggy!
Piggy rushes to the podium, bowing to the applause.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Kissy-kissy! Thank you all! Mwah! (giggles)
Phyllis And … Kermit the Frog!
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Oh — wow, really?
He runs to the podium, where he and Piggy writhe in anticipation as Phyllis talks.
Phyllis So at last, we come to the moment we've all been waiting for. The most important award of the evening, the winner of Performer of the Year. And that winner is … (opens the envelope) … the winner is, Kermit the Frog!
Applause. The Muppet Show Theme plays. Kermit is overjoyed, while Piggy is frozen in shock.
Kermit Wha — oh wow! Oh, really? Oh, excuse me, Piggy, pardon me! Oh, wow! Heh heh! Uh, uh, thank you! Thank you! I- I'm so surprised, I never thought I'd be up here, uh, accepting this, uh … uh, coveted Fred! Uh, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I'm really touched.
Miss Piggy Touched?!? I'll show ya touched! Hi—Y—
Kermit Wait, wait, hold, hold — uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, in this, my hour of triumph, I would especially like to thank Miss Piggy. Uh, thank you, my dear. (kisses her on the cheek)
Miss Piggy Aw, I can't even hit him.
Phyllis takes center stage as music swells up.
Phyllis And so we come to the end of our first annual Fred Award show, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.
Kermit (holding his award) It really has been an evening that proves the truth of that old song, ladies and gentlemen … (starts singing)

There's no business like show business

Kermit & Phyllis Like no business I know.
The other Muppets join them.
Cast (except Piggy)

Everything about it is appealing.
Everything that traffic will allow.
Nowhere could you get that happy feeling,
When you are stealing that extra bow.

Angle on the balcony, where Statler and Waldorf sing with enthusiasm.
Statler & Waldorf

There's no people like show people!
They smile when they are low!

Angle on the chickens and a pepper, dancing in the wings.
Cast (except Piggy)

Even with a turkey that you know will fold,
You may be stranded out in the cold.

Back to center stage.
Cast (except Piggy)

Still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold!
Let's go on with the show!



The Muppets hum as Kermit speaks.
Kermit Uh, well, this whole show turned out a lot better than I thought it would. But before we go, let us thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Phyllis George! Yaaaay!
Phyllis Well, Kermit, I can tell you one thing. I love you guys so much, and this has been the best award show ever. I mean, look, everyone got an award.
Miss Piggy (sullen) Not everyone, George.
Kermit Take it easy, Piggy. Uh, uh, the voting was done by our special panel of Blue Ribbon judges.
Miss Piggy Who are they? Who are these judges? Let's see 'em!
Kermit Uh, send in the judges!
Two rats emerge, wearing blue ribbons.
Miss Piggy RATS?!? I'm not good enough for RATS?!?
Kermit Uh — uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The credits roll as the theme plays. Piggy storms off stage, and Kermit brings her back.
Miss Piggy A rat? Rat?
Phyllis is handed several bouquets of flowers.
Kermit Here, please hold my award for me!
Miss Piggy (swats it) No! Go away!
Kermit Uh, Phyllis? It's a great show! Really wonderful!
Miss Piggy (to rats) Get away from me!
Kermit You did such a nice job! … Piggy? …
Waldorf I can't believe those rats were responsible for this show.
Statler Why not? They were also responsible for the bubonic plague!
They chuckle.