The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 412: Phyllis George.
Cold Open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Phyllis George! Yaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Statler | (to audience) Why don't we all go home and read a book?! |
Statler and Waldorf chuckle. | |
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head. |
The Muppet Awards[]
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And, as a very special treat, we have, as our guest star, the beautiful and talented Miss Phyllis George! That is the good news. Now for the bad news - we have a very dumb show planned for you tonight. (frowns) |
Fozzie | Kermit! Kermit! You can't tell the audience that tonight's show is dumb! |
Statler | Don't worry about it, bear. |
Waldorf | Yeah, we noticed years ago. (they chuckle) |
Kermit | Well, in any case, I am not going to stick around because I am going to turn this show over to our guest host, the wonderful Miss Phyllis George! Yaaaaay! |
Phyllis enters to applause. | |
Phyllis | Kermit. Are you sure you want me to do this? |
Kermit | Uh, Phyllis, the stage is all yours. I'm taking the night off. (walks away) Bye, Fozzie! |
Fozzie | That's okay, Phyllis, I'll help you later. (walks away) |
Phyllis | Okay! Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Muppet Academy of Arts and Sciences, welcome to the first annual Muppet Awards! |
The curtain opens to reveal a fancy backdrop with a podium. Phyllis walks to the podium. | |
Phyllis | What an exciting evening. The tension and excitement is unbelievable. Backstage, the Muppets are standing by, anxiously waiting to see who the winners will be. |
Fozzie, Sam, Floyd, Gonzo, Piggy, Scooter and Camilla wait in the wings. | |
Sam the Eagle | You are losers. All losers. |
Phyllis | So now, to get things started, let's listen to the first of the numbers nominated for Best Song of the Year. (looks at the paper, confused) How do you pronounce this? Oh — "Svrëb, de Plëbåt Bånånå"! |
The back curtain opens. The Swedish Chef sings a mock-Swedish rendition of "Yes, We Have No Bananas" in a grocery store with the Singing Food. | |
Waldorf | I didn't understand a word of that. |
Statler | Med brüst nü låd då frütrå! |
Waldorf | Huh. Well, why didn't they say that in the first place? (chuckles) |
Backstage[]
The Muppet Awards[]
Best Sketch[]
Best Song[]
Best Inanimate Object[]
Comedy Performance[]
UK Spot[]
The Muppet Awards[]
Best Song[]
Stunt of the Year[]
Best Guest Star[]
Fozzie runs up to the podium. | |
Fozzie | Oh, brother. Uh … (looks up) Phew! And now, to read the list of the nominees for Best Guest Star Appearance on a Muppet Show, here is Scooter! |
A picture of each guest star is shown as Scooter sings to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General". | |
Scooter |
There's John and Liza, Sly and Bob, and Elton J., who wasn't bad. |
Scooter |
There's Crystal, Victor, Linda, Dudley, Helen, Roy, and Judy. |
Scooter |
There's Lena, Harvey, Juliet, Dyan, and if I get a chance, |
Scooter |
And Florence, Dizzy, Julie, Anne, Lorene and Bob, and Peter. |
Applause. | |
Phyllis | Thank you very much, Scooter. And the winner is … (drumroll as she opens the envelope) … the winner is me, Phyllis George! Thank you, everyone! |
Statler | Of course Phyllis George won. No one else is here! (they chuckle) |
Waldorf | None of the others would be dumb enough to come back! (they chuckle) |
Phyllis | This award will certainly sit in a place of honor. (it breaks) … What do I do now? |
Beauregard | (appears with a push broom) Here. |
Phyllis | Oh, thank you. (starts sweeping) For a second there, I was overcome by the thrill of victory. (giggles) |
Beauregard | Next, we have the second nomination for the Best Sketch, Veterinarian's Hospital! |
Best Sketch[]
Performer of the Year[]
Back to the podium, and Phyllis, giggling at the previous sketch. | |
Phyllis | Well, there you have it. The last of the nominees for Best Sketch of the Year. |
Piggy rushes to the wings, now wearing a shiny gown. | |
Miss Piggy | (panting) Oh! Oh! Floyd, how do I look? |
Floyd | Um … nervous, Piggy? |
Miss Piggy | Of course not, Floyd. I am in both nominated sketches. There is no way for moi to lose. (sigh) |
Phyllis | And the winner is … (drumroll as she opens the envelope) … the judges have chosen not to award a Fred in this category. |
Miss Piggy | WHAT?!? (rushes to the podium) Whaddya mean, I lost? I'll cut ya in two, Phyllis George! |
Phyllis | Wait a minute. It's not me. I didn't decide. |
Miss Piggy | Wha, well, who did? |
Phyllis | Well, the Blue Ribbon panel of judges. |
Miss Piggy | Don't tell me judges! Who are they? What names shall we carve on their tombstones? |
Phyllis | Miss Piggy, don't you think you'd better go backstage and get ready for the next category? |
Miss Piggy | No! Why should I? |
Phyllis | Well, it's the big one. Performer of the Year, and you're nominated! |
Miss Piggy | (a beat) … Moi? Ah, Performer of the Year, yes, of course, Phyllis my sweet! I shall go get ready. (to audience) Kissy-kissy, judges! (prances off-stage) |
Phyllis | (chuckles) Isn't she cute? |
Piggy rushes backstage, grabbing Kermit. | |
Miss Piggy | Oh, Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Come with me, Kermie! Oh, come on! The big award is about to be given! |
Kermit | Yeah, bu-bu-bu-but Piggy, uh, listen, Piggy, you know, these awards don't mean anything to me. |
Miss Piggy | But — Kermie. But — I want you next to me when I win. |
Kermit | But Piggy, who's your competition? |
Miss Piggy | Oh, Kermie, you old silly! What competition? |
A fanfare plays. | |
Phyllis | Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one Fred left. And it belongs to that person our Blue Ribbon panel has voted to be … Performer of the Year. (drumroll) The nominees are … Miss Piggy! |
Piggy rushes to the podium, bowing to the applause. | |
Miss Piggy | Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Kissy-kissy! Thank you all! Mwah! (giggles) |
Phyllis | And … Kermit the Frog! |
Miss Piggy | What? |
Applause. | |
Kermit | Oh — wow, really? |
He runs to the podium, where he and Piggy writhe in anticipation as Phyllis talks. | |
Phyllis | So at last, we come to the moment we've all been waiting for. The most important award of the evening, the winner of Performer of the Year. And that winner is … (opens the envelope) … the winner is, Kermit the Frog! |
Applause. The Muppet Show Theme plays. Kermit is overjoyed, while Piggy is frozen in shock. | |
Kermit | Wha — oh wow! Oh, really? Oh, excuse me, Piggy, pardon me! Oh, wow! Heh heh! Uh, uh, thank you! Thank you! I- I'm so surprised, I never thought I'd be up here, uh, accepting this, uh … uh, coveted Fred! Uh, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I'm really touched. |
Miss Piggy | Touched?!? I'll show ya touched! Hi—Y— |
Kermit | Wait, wait, hold, hold — uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, in this, my hour of triumph, I would especially like to thank Miss Piggy. Uh, thank you, my dear. (kisses her on the cheek) |
Miss Piggy | Aw, I can't even hit him. |
Phyllis takes center stage as music swells up. | |
Phyllis | And so we come to the end of our first annual Fred Award show, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. |
Kermit | (holding his award) It really has been an evening that proves the truth of that old song, ladies and gentlemen … (starts singing)
There's no business like show business |
Kermit & Phyllis | Like no business I know. |
The other Muppets join them. | |
Cast (except Piggy) |
Everything about it is appealing. |
Angle on the balcony, where Statler and Waldorf sing with enthusiasm. | |
Statler & Waldorf |
There's no people like show people! |
Angle on the chickens and a pepper, dancing in the wings. | |
Cast (except Piggy) |
Even with a turkey that you know will fold, |
Back to center stage. | |
Cast (except Piggy) |
Still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold! |
Applause. |