Cold Open
Theme
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Phyllis George! Yaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Statler | (to audience) Why don't we all go home and read a book?! |
Statler and Waldorf chuckle. | |
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head. |
The Muppet Awards
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And as a very special treat, we have as our guest star the beautiful and talented miss Phyllis George! That is the good news. Now for the bad news - we have a very dumb show planned for you tonight. (frowns) |
Fozzie | Kermit! Kermit! You can't tell the audience that tonight's show is dumb! |
Statler | Don't worry about it, bear. |
Waldorf | Yeah, we noticed years ago. (they chuckle) |
Kermit | Well, in any case, I am not going to stick around because I am going to turn this show over to our guest host, the wonderful miss Phyllis George! Yaaaaay! |
Phyllis enters to applause. | |
Phyllis | Kermit. Are you sure you want me to do this? |
Kermit | Uh, Phyllis, the stage is all yours. I'm taking the night off. (walks away) Bye, Fozzie! |
Fozzie | That's okay, Phyllis, I'll help you later. (walks away) |
Phyllis | Okay! Well, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Muppet Academy of Arts and Sciences, welcome to the first annual Muppet Awards! |
The curtain opens to reveal a fancy backdrop with a podium. Phyllis walks to the podium. | |
Phyllis | What an exciting evening. The tension and excitement is unbelievable. Backstage, the Muppets are standing by, anxiously waiting to see who the winners will be. |
Fozzie, Sam, Floyd, Gonzo, Piggy, Scooter and Camilla wait in the wings. | |
Sam the Eagle | You are losers. All losers. |
Phyllis | So now, to get things started, let's listen to the first of the numbers nominated for Best Song of the Year. (looks at the paper, confused) How do you pronounce this? Oh — "Svrëb, de Plëbåt Bånånå"! |
The back curtain opens. The Swedish Chef sings a mock-Swedish rendition of "Yes, We Have No Bananas" in a grocery store with the Singing Food. | |
Waldorf | I didn't understand a word of that. |
Statler | Med brüst nü låd då frütrå! |
Waldorf | Huh. Well, why didn't they say that in the first place? (chuckles) |
Backstage
The Muppet Awards
Best Sketch
Best Song
Best Inanimate Object
Comedy Performance
UK Spot
The Muppet Awards
Best Song
Stunt of the Year
Best Guest Star
Fozzie runs up to the podium. | |
Fozzie | Oh, brother. Uh … (looks up) Phew! And now, to read the list of the nominees for Best Guest Star Appearance on a Muppet Show, here is Scooter! |
A picture of each guest star is shown as Scooter sings to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General". | |
Scooter |
There's John and Liza, Sly and Bob, and Elton J., who wasn't bad. |
Scooter |
There's Crystal, Victor, Linda, Dudley, Helen, Roy, and Judy. |
Scooter |
There's Lena, Harvey, Juliet, Dyan, and if I get a chance, |
Scooter |
And Florence, Dizzy, Julie, Anne, Lorene and Bob, and Peter. |
Applause. | |
Phyllis | Thank you very much, Scooter. And the winner is … (drumroll as she opens the envelope) … the winner is me, Phyllis George! Thank you, everyone! |
Statler | Of course Phyllis George won. No one else is here! (they chuckle) |
Waldorf | None of the others would be dumb enough to come back! (they chuckle) |
Phyllis | This award will certainly sit in a place of honor. (it breaks) … What do I do now? |
Beauregard | (appears with a push broom) Here. |
Phyllis | Oh, thank you. (starts sweeping) For a second there, I was overcome by the thrill of victory. (giggles) |
Beauregard | Next, we have the second nomination for the Best Sketch, Veterinarian's Hospital! |
Best Sketch
Performer of the Year
Back to the podium, and Phyllis, giggling at the previous sketch. | |
Phyllis | Well, there you have it. The last of the nominees for Best Sketch of the Year. |
Piggy rushes to the wings, now wearing a shiny gown. | |
Miss Piggy | (panting) Oh! Oh! Floyd, how do I look? |
Floyd | Um … nervous, Piggy? |
Miss Piggy | Of course not, Floyd. I am in both nominated sketches. There is no way for moi to lose. (sigh) |
Phyllis | And the winner is … (drumroll as she opens the envelope) … the judges have chosen not to award a Fred in this category. |
Miss Piggy | WHAT?!? (rushes to the podium) Whaddya mean, I lost? I'll cut ya in two, Phyllis George! |
Phyllis | Wait a minute. It's not me. I didn't decide. |
Miss Piggy | Wha, well, who did? |
Phyllis | Well, the Blue Ribbon panel of judges. |
Miss Piggy | Don't tell me judges! Who are they? What names shall we carve on their tombstones? |
Phyllis | Miss Piggy, don't you think you'd better go backstage and get ready for the next category? |
Miss Piggy | No! Why should I? |
Phyllis | Well, it's the big one. Performer of the Year, and you're nominated! |
Miss Piggy | (a beat) … Moi? Ah, Performer of the Year, yes, of course, Phyllis my sweet! I shall go get ready. (to audience) Kissy-kissy, judges! (prances off-stage) |
Phyllis | (chuckles) Isn't she cute? |
Piggy rushes backstage, grabbing Kermit. | |
Miss Piggy | Oh, Kermie! Kermie! Kermie! Come with me, Kermie! Oh, come on! The big award is about to be given! |
Kermit | Yeah, bu-bu-bu-but Piggy, uh, listen, Piggy, you know, these awards don't mean anything to me. |
Miss Piggy | But — Kermie. But — I want you next to me when I win. |
Kermit | But Piggy, who's your competition? |
Miss Piggy | Oh, Kermie, you old silly! What competition? |
A fanfare plays. | |
Phyllis | Well, ladies and gentlemen, there's only one Fred left. And it belongs to that person our Blue Ribbon panel has voted to be … Performer of the Year. (drumroll) The nominees are … Miss Piggy! |
Piggy rushes to the podium, bowing to the applause. | |
Miss Piggy | Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Kissy-kissy! Thank you all! Mwah! (giggles) |
Phyllis | And … Kermit the Frog! |
Miss Piggy | What? |
Applause. | |
Kermit | Oh — wow, really? |
He runs to the podium, where he and Piggy writhe in anticipation as Phyllis talks. | |
Phyllis | So at last, we come to the moment we've all been waiting for. The most important award of the evening, the winner of Performer of the Year. And that winner is … (opens the envelope) … the winner is, Kermit the Frog! |
Applause. The Muppet Show Theme plays. Kermit is overjoyed, while Piggy is frozen in shock. | |
Kermit | Wha — oh wow! Oh, really? Oh, excuse me, Piggy, pardon me! Oh, wow! Heh heh! Uh, uh, thank you! Thank you! I- I'm so surprised, I never thought I'd be up here, uh, accepting this, uh … uh, coveted Fred! Uh, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I'm really touched. |
Miss Piggy | Touched?!? I'll show ya touched! Hi—Y— |
Kermit | Wait, wait, hold, hold — uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, in this, my hour of triumph, I would especially like to thank Miss Piggy. Uh, thank you, my dear. (kisses her on the cheek) |
Miss Piggy | Aw, I can't even hit him. |
Phyllis takes center stage as music swells up. | |
Phyllis | And so we come to the end of our first annual Fred Award show, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. |
Kermit | (holding his award) It really has been an evening that proves the truth of that old song, ladies and gentlemen … (starts singing)
There's no business like show business |
Kermit & Phyllis | Like no business I know. |
The other Muppets join them. | |
Cast (except Piggy) |
Everything about it is appealing. |
Angle on the balcony, where Statler and Waldorf sing with enthusiasm. | |
Statler & Waldorf |
There's no people like show people! |
Angle on the chickens and a pepper, dancing in the wings. | |
Cast (except Piggy) |
Even with a turkey that you know will fold, |
Back to center stage. | |
Cast (except Piggy) |
Still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold! |
Applause. |