(shrugs) Poor Statler. He couldn't take it any more.
Gonzo plays a racing fanfare, then laughs.
Opening number[]
Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi ho and welcome to another one! Uh, we call these things "Muppet Shows," and we call tonight's Muppet Show a good one, and that's because our very special guest star is the amazing master of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Why, tonight even Statler and Waldorf will have a good time.
Waldorf
Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
Kermit
Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
Waldorf
No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
Kermit
(grimaces) Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
Waldorf
Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
Kermit
No kidding? I've always wanted to meet your wife.
Waldorf's wife, Astoria, arrives and takes her seat in the box. She bears a striking resemblance to someone...
Astoria
I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
Waldorf
(stammering) That's Kermit, dear.
Kermit
What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
Waldorf
Astoria!
Kermit
(grimacing to the camera) It figures.
Astoria
C'mon, kill the small talk! Isn't there any music on this show?
Kermit
Oh, yes indeed, Astoria! Uh, uh, in honor of Dizzy Gillespie, we present an all-jazz evening, starting with-
Astoria
Can the commentary! (to the orchestra) Hit it, boys! One, two three..
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, one of the living legends of jazz is with us tonight. Uh, there's no sense talking about it when we could be listening. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!
Dizzy sings "St. Louis Blues," backed up by the Electric Mayhem. He takes a break to play the trumpet and lead the band in some clapping.
Waldorf
Well, what did you think of that, poopsie?
Astoria
Well, not too bad.
Waldorf
Hm-hmm.
Astoria
I can understand why you keep doing it, week after week.
Waldorf
You can?
Astoria
By the way, how much do they pay you?
Waldorf
(stammers) Pay me?
Astoria
Of course! Can you imagine some poor, stupid turkey doing this for nothing? (laughs)
Waldorf
(laughs nervously) ...gobble, gobble.
Bench[]
Zoot and Floyd sit on a city sidewalk bench, playing a jazz riff. Slim Wilson happens by.
Slim
Hey, do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?
Floyd
Practice, man. Practice. (laughs with Zoot)
Zoot
The old ones are the best ones.
Slim shakes his head and leaves.
Backstage[]
Kermit places the device back on his desk. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie
Kermit? Kermit, hey I'm sorry. I-I didn't know he was a noise inspector.
Kermit
Aw, that's okay. He's perfectly safe down in the canteen.
Fozzie
That's what you think. The Chef is mashing potatoes on his anvil.
Said sound is heard in the background as Kermit sighs. Floyd and Zoot enter in the distance, as LaBrea runs through, screaming and being chased by the Swedish Chef, brandishing a frying pan.
Floyd
Man, I thought they'd never leave. (laughs)
Kermit
Yeah. Uh, uh, enough of these musician jokes. That guy's an inspector. He's recording the show.
Zoot
Hm, groovy. Maybe we'll make the charts. (exits with Floyd)
Kermit
It's not that kind of recording!
LaBrea runs back in, out of breath. The Chef is heard in the distance.
LaBrea
Oh, that guy's a maniac!
Kermit
I know, but he doesn't make much noise.
LaBrea
(sighs)
Suddenly, the Swedish Chef pops up behind him and socks LaBrea over the head with his frying pan. The inspector screams as he passes out, setting the machine off. The Chef laughs to himself, leaving Kermit distraught.
Bench[]
Back on the bench, Floyd naps as Zoot looks on. A car is heard skidding down the street, along with sirens, until it crashes. The sound wakes up Floyd. Ambulance lights flash on the wall.
Floyd
Oh. Hey, man. What was that?
Zoot
B flat.
Zoot plays the note on his saxophone and the two laugh.
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Open on the flashing, "EMERGENCY" sign above the door. Nurse Piggy walks in, yawning.
Announcer
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy approaches the table, where a male pig is laying.
Pig
Miss Piggy!
Piggy
Hm?
Pig
I'm back and you've gotta know - I love you, I love you, I love you!
Piggy
(yawns) Only three times? Last week, you loved me four times.
Pig
I've been sick! (laughs, Piggy coyly joins)
Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice enter.
Rowlf
Hey, just a minute! Are you back again? I've already taken out your appendix and your tonsils. What's the matter now?!
Pig
Dr. Bob, I love Miss Piggy!
Rowlf
I see...prepare the patient for brain surgery! (all laugh but Piggy)
Piggy
Watch it, doc. This patient has good taste.
Rowlf
Oh yeah? Then, why does he have me for a doctor?! (all laugh)
Janice
"Brain surgery?" Are you serious, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf
No, I'm "Comical Dr. Bob!" "Serious Dr. Bob" was my brother, the comedian. (all laugh)
Piggy
You have a brother who's a comedian?
Rowlf
Well, I did, until he fell into a vat of molten optical glass!
Pig
What happened?
Rowlf
He made a spectacle of himself! (all laugh) Okay! Okay, this week, we will take out the patient's snew.
Piggy
What-what's "snew?"
Rowlf
Nothin'. What-snew with you?! (all laugh but Janice)
Janice
Ewww. That's an old joke!
Rowlf
Yeah, well, it-snew to me! (all laugh)
Pig
Hey, hey, Miss Piggy. Please tell me you love me because we've gotta stop meetin' like this.
Piggy
Why?
Pig
I'm running out of vital organs! (all laugh)
Announcer
And so, we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf
It's about time!
Announcer
Tune in next time when we'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf
Prepare for surgery!
Piggy
Dr. Bob, are you really going to remove his brain?
Rowlf
No, something much more vital than that.
Piggy
You mean?
Rowlf
Yes - his wallet! (all laugh) Ah, yes! Here we go!
UK spot[]
Kermit comes onstage to applause and fanfare.
Kermit
Ta-da! Uh, thank you. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here we present Geri and the Atrics! Yaaay! (curtains open)
Dizzy, Floyd and Zoot perform "Little Bit of Dis."
Astoria
Oh, honestly, Waldorf. I don't understand you. Why do you come here and put up with this irritating, mindless, incessant nonsense when you could stay home with me?
Waldorf
Eh, no comment.
Backstage[]
Kermit inspects LaBrea's device as he enters with pad and pencil in hand.
LaBrea
Uh, Mr. Frog?
Kermit
Uh, ahem. (releases the device)
LaBrea
Mr. Frog, do you have a permit to keep livestock?
Kermit
Uh, livestock?
LaBrea
Uh, yes. When I was backstage, I noticed... (clears throat)... sixteen chickens, six horses, four goats, eight hogs...
Miss Piggy enters and makes her way between the two.
Piggy
Oh, excuse moi. (dry laugh) Uh, Kermie, may I speak with vous, uh, incognito?
Piggy walks further away from the two.
Kermit
Sure, wherever you want. E-Excuse us a second.
LaBrea
Uh, yeah.
Kermit goes next to Piggy.
Piggy
This the inspector you want me to charm?
Kermit
Yeah, but I don't think this is a particularly good time.
Piggy
Oh, Kermie, mon cherie, do not worry about a thing. Ahem.
Piggy waves and approaches LaBrea.
Piggy
Yoo-hoo! Uh, I do not believe that we have met.
LaBrea
Uh, no we haven't. I'm Inspector LaBrea.
Piggy
Ooh! Kermie, you silly. You did not tell me the inspector was such a handsome man. Uh, as you know, I am Miss Piggy.
LaBrea
Right. Add to that list, one sow.
Piggy
...what?
LaBrea
Sow. You know, rhymes with cow. Ha ha ha ha.
Kermit
(stammering) Uh, Piggy, uh...
Piggy
Oh yeah? Rhyme this! Hi-yaah!
Piggy karate chops him, sending him flying across the room. The device goes off again.
Piggy
Oh, shut up!
The device silences and Piggy storms off.
Bench[]
Animal joins Zoot and Floyd by the bench, making a drumset out of the fire hydrant and trashcans. They start jamming together.
Animal
Yeah! Yeah!
A window above opens, where an old woman (Mary Louise) appears.
Woman
Hey! Hey you, down there! Hey!
The musicians stop playing.
Woman
Do you know there's a littl' old lady sleepin' up here?!
Zoot
No, but hum a few bars and we'll fake it! (laughs with Floyd)
Animal
(singing)There's a little lady sleeping up here!
Fozzie's comedy act[]
Kermit steps out onstage to a fanfare.
Kermit
Ta-da! Uh, thank you. And now, have I got good news for you.
Astoria
That inspector is closing the show!
Kermit
No.
Astoria
Then, you don't have good news for us.
Kermit
Say, you're as bad as the two old geezers.
Waldorf
Why not? She's a geezer-ess! (laughs, until Astoria socks him) Ooo!
Kermit
Okay, so welcome if you will, the Muppet Show's own cute and clownish, cuddly king of comedy, Fozzie Bear!
The curtains open and the crowd applauds. Fozzie is seen rolling his arms around until stepping upstage.
Fozzie
Hiyah, hiyah, hiyah, hi, wocka, wocka, wocka! Ahhh! Hey, did you hear the one about the lady who went to the psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator." And the doctor says, "Well, don't worry about it." And the woman said...
Astoria
..."I have to. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake!" (laughs with Waldorf) Very funny!
Fozzie
...uh, yeah. Um, moving right along. Alright, same lady, right? Good. Goes in the psychiatrist's office, says, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a transistor radio." And the doctor says, "Well, have him come in. We'll talk about it." And the woman says...
Astoria
...""He can't talk, his batteries are dead!" (both laugh) Oh, this guys is a riot! (continues laughing)
Fozzie
I am?
Astoria
Let's hear it for Fozzie Bear!
Waldorf
Yaay!
The crowd applauds in response.
Fozzie
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've been a very funny audience, I've really enjoyed listening to you, aah! (aside) What happened? Where did I go right? (exits)
Astoria
I thought he'd never leave! (both laugh)
Bench[]
Back at the bench, Zoot and Floyd play their jazz riff, when a man comes up behind the bench.
Man
Uh, 'scuse me. Eh, cross town buses run all night?
Kermit and LaBrea, machine in hand, are at his desk.
LaBrea
Well, what's next on the show?
Kermit
(checking his rundown) Uh, just the, uh, closing musical number.
LaBrea
Uh, no trumpets, right? Because if this thing goes off one more time...
Kermit
I know, I know, you're gonna cancel the show! Uh, no, it's just a, um, well, it's, uh... it's just an encore by our, our violinist.
LaBrea
Oh yeah, yeah, good. Well, okay, I'm gonna stay here and watch him.
Kermit
(gulps) Right here?
LaBrea
Yeah, what's his name? Uh, uh, Izzy something? Uh, uh...
Kermit
(sighs) No, in actuality, it's... it's Dizzy Gillespie.
LaBrea
Dizzy Gillespie?! (Kermit nods.) That's terrific!
Kermit
It is?
LaBrea
Yeah!
Kermit
Wha-b-but, he plays trumpet.
LaBrea
He sure does. The guy's my all-time favorite!
Kermit
Huh?
LaBrea
Hey, do me a favor. Let me sit in with him. I play a little saxophone.
Kermit
Gee, well, uh, why, fine, if you-you'll forget your recorder there.
LaBrea
Uh, what recorder?
LaBrea slides the recorded off the desk. It crashes on the floor. Kermit chuckles and heads for the stage.
Closing number[]
Kermit enters the stage.
Kermit
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's jazz time again. And joining our guest star on this final session is Inspector LaBrea, the Swinging Civil Servant. Ahem. Uh, and here he is, our guest star with one of his great tunes, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!
In a Middle Eastern palace, Dizzy sings "Swing Low Sweet Cadillac" as he plays the bongos and later, the trumpet. He's joined by Animal, Janice, Floyd, Sopwith the Camel, a sultan, two harem girls and LaBrea, who plays saxophone during the instrumental portion.
Goodnights[]
Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Okay, well, we've done just about all we wanted to do except to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, one of the giants of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!
The crowd applauds as Dizzy enters, bowing.
Dizzy
Thank you, Kermit. And I want you to know how much I admire you frogs.
Kermit
You-you admire us frogs?
Dizzy
Yeah yeah.
Kermit
Why is that?
Dizzy
Because you all can do this.
Dizzy blows up his cheeks. Kermit is aghast.
Kermit
I can't do that! All I can do is say we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! How did you do that? Oh, that's wonderful!
Fozzie
(entering) Hey!
Beauregard, Scooter and various Muppets from the closing number surround Dizzy as the closing theme plays.
Waldorf and Astoria
Boo!
LaBrea's monitor begins blaring as he enters their theater box, still in costume.
LaBrea
That does it! The show is cancelled!
Waldorf and Astoria cheer as LaBrea sighs and shakes his head.