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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 413: Dizzy Gillespie.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door. Music played on a jaw harp is heard.
Scooter Dizzy Gillespie? Dizzy Gillespie, fifteen seconds to curtain, Dizzy!
Dizzy is shown playing with a marionette of a horse.
Scooter Oh, uh. Say, Diz. Kermit does have one rule for this show.
Dizzy What's that?
Scooter No puppets allowed.
Dizzy What? (tosses puppet away) Guess I have to play the trumpet then?
Dizzy picks up his trumpet as Scooter laughs.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Dizzy Gillespie! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler's seat is empty.
Waldorf (shrugs) Poor Statler. He couldn't take it any more.
Gonzo open 413.jpg
Gonzo plays a racing fanfare, then laughs.

Opening number

Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi ho and welcome to another one! Uh, we call these things "Muppet Shows," and we call tonight's Muppet Show a good one, and that's because our very special guest star is the amazing master of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie! Why, tonight even Statler and Waldorf will have a good time.
Waldorf Statler isn't here tonight, Kermit! He's sick!
Kermit Oh, that's too bad. The flu?
Waldorf No, the show! He's sick of it! (laughs)
Kermit (grimaces) Well, uh, don't get lonely up there, okay?
Waldorf Not much chance of that. My wife is using Statler's ticket. She's just powdering her nose.
Kermit No kidding? I've always wanted to meet your wife.
Waldorf's wife, Astoria, arrives and takes her seat in the box. She bears a striking resemblance to someone...
Astoria I thought the show had started! Who's the frog?
Waldorf (stammering) That's Kermit, dear.
Kermit What's your wife's name, Waldorf?
Waldorf Astoria!
Kermit (grimacing to the camera) It figures.
Astoria C'mon, kill the small talk! Isn't there any music on this show?
Kermit Oh, yes indeed, Astoria! Uh, uh, in honor of Dizzy Gillespie, we present an all-jazz evening, starting with-
Astoria Can the commentary! (to the orchestra) Hit it, boys! One, two three..
A Fish Singer sings "Blue Fish Blues," backed up the Gills Brothers.
Astoria Now, let me get this straight. This is a typical show, right, Waldorf?
Waldorf Well, I'd say so, Astoria, my dear.
Astoria Hm. First a frog talks, and then a fish sings.
Waldorf Mmm-hmmm. I wanted you to see for yourself. I bet you thought I came here to have a good time! (both laugh)


The fish walk offstage. A man approaches Kermit's desk carrying a tiny device.
Kermit Okay, nicely done, fish.
LaBrea Are you Kermit the Frog?
Kermit Uh, yeah.
LaBrea Well, I'm Inspector LaBrea, County Environmental Department?
Kermit Oh?
LaBrea sets the device down on the desk.
LaBrea I'm gonna the loudness level on your show. You see, there have been some complaints about the noise.
Kermit Too much noise on our show? Uh, wha-what kind of noise?
LaBrea Certainly not applause and laughter! (laughs)
Kermit (sarcastically) Ha-ha.
LaBrea Ya' see, music is your big problem. Let me show ya'.
Kermit What?
LaBrea pulls out and plays a loud note. The machine's alarm goes off and flashes, very loudly.
Kermit (yelling over the noise) You're concerned about noise, huh?!
LaBrea Wha?!
LaBrea turns the machine off as Kermit yells.
Kermit I say, you're concerned about noise?! Uh...
LaBrea Yeah, yeah.
Kermit (stammers) It's the music, so, huh?
LaBrea Uh, yes. Ya' see, your strings are okay. But the brass, especially the trumpet, is murder.
Fozzie (walking in) Uh...oh, terrific. Kermit, hey, it's time to introduce Dizzy Gillespie.
LaBrea Who?
Kermit (stammers) Uh, uh, Izzy Gilleskie, uh, one of the world's greatest violinists.
Fozzie "Izzy G..."-what are you talking about, violinists? You know Dizzy plays...
Kermit silences Fozzie by kicking him in the leg. He hops and screams in pain.
Fozzie Oh Ker- why did you do that?
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, why-why don't you take the noise inspector -- NOISE inspector LaBrea down to the canteen for a cup of coffee?
Fozzie ...gotcha! Got-ah-ha! Uh, let's go sir.
LaBrea Uh, yeah.
Fozzie (whispering) Gotcha.
Kermit hums to himself as he takes the inspector's device and stashes it under his desk, then heads to the stage.

"St. Louis Blues"

Kermit enters the stage to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, one of the living legends of jazz is with us tonight. Uh, there's no sense talking about it when we could be listening. Here he is ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!
Dizzy sings "St. Louis Blues," backed up by the Electric Mayhem. He takes a break to play the trumpet and lead the band in some clapping.
Waldorf Well, what did you think of that, poopsie?
Astoria Well, not too bad.
Waldorf Hm-hmm.
Astoria I can understand why you keep doing it, week after week.
Waldorf You can?
Astoria By the way, how much do they pay you?
Waldorf (stammers) Pay me?
Astoria Of course! Can you imagine some poor, stupid turkey doing this for nothing? (laughs)
Waldorf (laughs nervously) ...gobble, gobble.


Zoot and Floyd sit on a city sidewalk bench, playing a jazz riff. Slim Wilson happens by.
Slim Hey, do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall?
Floyd Practice, man. Practice. (laughs with Zoot)
Zoot The old ones are the best ones.
Slim shakes his head and leaves.


Kermit places the device back on his desk. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie Kermit? Kermit, hey I'm sorry. I-I didn't know he was a noise inspector.
Kermit Aw, that's okay. He's perfectly safe down in the canteen.
Fozzie That's what you think. The Chef is mashing potatoes on his anvil.
Said sound is heard in the background as Kermit sighs. Floyd and Zoot enter in the distance, as LaBrea runs through, screaming and being chased by the Swedish Chef, brandishing a frying pan.
Floyd Man, I thought they'd never leave. (laughs)
Kermit Yeah. Uh, uh, enough of these musician jokes. That guy's an inspector. He's recording the show.
Zoot Hm, groovy. Maybe we'll make the charts. (exits with Floyd)
Kermit It's not that kind of recording!
LaBrea runs back in, out of breath. The Chef is heard in the distance.
LaBrea Oh, that guy's a maniac!
Kermit I know, but he doesn't make much noise.
LaBrea (sighs)
Suddenly, the Swedish Chef pops up behind him and socks LaBrea over the head with his frying pan. The inspector screams as he passes out, setting the machine off. The Chef laughs to himself, leaving Kermit distraught.


Back on the bench, Floyd naps as Zoot looks on. A car is heard skidding down the street, along with sirens, until it crashes. The sound wakes up Floyd. Ambulance lights flash on the wall.
Floyd Oh. Hey, man. What was that?
Zoot B flat.
Zoot plays the note on his saxophone and the two laugh.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Open on the flashing, "EMERGENCY" sign above the door. Nurse Piggy walks in, yawning.
Announcer And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy approaches the table, where a male pig is laying.
Pig Miss Piggy!
Piggy Hm?
Pig I'm back and you've gotta know - I love you, I love you, I love you!
Piggy (yawns) Only three times? Last week, you loved me four times.
Pig I've been sick! (laughs, Piggy coyly joins)
Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice enter.
Rowlf Hey, just a minute! Are you back again? I've already taken out your appendix and your tonsils. What's the matter now?!
Pig Dr. Bob, I love Miss Piggy!
Rowlf I see...prepare the patient for brain surgery! (all laugh but Piggy)
Piggy Watch it, doc. This patient has good taste.
Rowlf Oh yeah? Then, why does he have me for a doctor?! (all laugh)
Janice "Brain surgery?" Are you serious, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf No, I'm "Comical Dr. Bob!" "Serious Dr. Bob" was my brother, the comedian. (all laugh)
Piggy You have a brother who's a comedian?
Rowlf Well, I did, until he fell into a vat of molten optical glass!
Pig What happened?
Rowlf He made a spectacle of himself! (all laugh) Okay! Okay, this week, we will take out the patient's snew.
Piggy What-what's "snew?"
Rowlf Nothin'. What-snew with you?! (all laugh but Janice)
Janice Ewww. That's an old joke!
Rowlf Yeah, well, it-snew to me! (all laugh)
Pig Hey, hey, Miss Piggy. Please tell me you love me because we've gotta stop meetin' like this.
Piggy Why?
Pig I'm running out of vital organs! (all laugh)
Announcer And so, we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf It's about time!
Announcer Tune in next time when we'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf Prepare for surgery!
Piggy Dr. Bob, are you really going to remove his brain?
Rowlf No, something much more vital than that.
Piggy You mean?
Rowlf Yes - his wallet! (all laugh) Ah, yes! Here we go!

UK spot

Kermit comes onstage to applause and fanfare.
Kermit Ta-da! Uh, thank you. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here we present Geri and the Atrics! Yaaay! (curtains open)
Pianist One, two, three, and...
Geri and the Atricts perform "Do Wah Diddy Diddy."

"Little Bit of Dis"

Dizzy, Floyd and Zoot perform "Little Bit of Dis."
Astoria Oh, honestly, Waldorf. I don't understand you. Why do you come here and put up with this irritating, mindless, incessant nonsense when you could stay home with me?
Waldorf Eh, no comment.


Kermit inspects LaBrea's device as he enters with pad and pencil in hand.
LaBrea Uh, Mr. Frog?
Kermit Uh, ahem. (releases the device)
LaBrea Mr. Frog, do you have a permit to keep livestock?
Kermit Uh, livestock?
LaBrea Uh, yes. When I was backstage, I noticed... (clears throat)... sixteen chickens, six horses, four goats, eight hogs...
Miss Piggy enters and makes her way between the two.
Piggy Oh, excuse moi. (dry laugh) Uh, Kermie, may I speak with vous, uh, incognito?
Piggy walks further away from the two.
Kermit Sure, wherever you want. E-Excuse us a second.
LaBrea Uh, yeah.
Kermit goes next to Piggy.
Piggy This the inspector you want me to charm?
Kermit Yeah, but I don't think this is a particularly good time.
Piggy Oh, Kermie, mon cherie, do not worry about a thing. Ahem.
Piggy waves and approaches LaBrea.
Piggy Yoo-hoo! Uh, I do not believe that we have met.
LaBrea Uh, no we haven't. I'm Inspector LaBrea.
Piggy Ooh! Kermie, you silly. You did not tell me the inspector was such a handsome man. Uh, as you know, I am Miss Piggy.
LaBrea Right. Add to that list, one sow.
Piggy ...what?
LaBrea Sow. You know, rhymes with cow. Ha ha ha ha.
Kermit (stammering) Uh, Piggy, uh...
Piggy Oh yeah? Rhyme this! Hi-yaah!
Piggy karate chops him, sending him flying across the room. The device goes off again.
Piggy Oh, shut up!
The device silences and Piggy storms off.


Animal joins Zoot and Floyd by the bench, making a drumset out of the fire hydrant and trashcans. They start jamming together.
Animal Yeah! Yeah!
A window above opens, where an old woman (Mary Louise) appears.
Woman Hey! Hey you, down there! Hey!
The musicians stop playing.
Woman Do you know there's a littl' old lady sleepin' up here?!
Zoot No, but hum a few bars and we'll fake it! (laughs with Floyd)
Animal (singing) There's a little lady sleeping up here!

Fozzie's comedy act

Kermit steps out onstage to a fanfare.
Kermit Ta-da! Uh, thank you. And now, have I got good news for you.
Astoria That inspector is closing the show!
Kermit No.
Astoria Then, you don't have good news for us.
Kermit Say, you're as bad as the two old geezers.
Waldorf Why not? She's a geezer-ess! (laughs, until Astoria socks him) Ooo!
Kermit Okay, so welcome if you will, the Muppet Show's own cute and clownish, cuddly king of comedy, Fozzie Bear!
The curtains open and the crowd applauds. Fozzie is seen rolling his arms around until stepping upstage.
Fozzie Hiyah, hiyah, hiyah, hi, wocka, wocka, wocka! Ahhh! Hey, did you hear the one about the lady who went to the psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a refrigerator." And the doctor says, "Well, don't worry about it." And the woman said...
Astoria ..."I have to. He sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake!" (laughs with Waldorf) Very funny!
Fozzie ...uh, yeah. Um, moving right along. Alright, same lady, right? Good. Goes in the psychiatrist's office, says, "Doctor, my husband thinks he's a transistor radio." And the doctor says, "Well, have him come in. We'll talk about it." And the woman says...
Astoria ...""He can't talk, his batteries are dead!" (both laugh) Oh, this guys is a riot! (continues laughing)
Fozzie I am?
Astoria Let's hear it for Fozzie Bear!
Waldorf Yaay!
The crowd applauds in response.
Fozzie Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've been a very funny audience, I've really enjoyed listening to you, aah! (aside) What happened? Where did I go right? (exits)
Astoria I thought he'd never leave! (both laugh)


Back at the bench, Zoot and Floyd play their jazz riff, when a man comes up behind the bench.
Man Uh, 'scuse me. Eh, cross town buses run all night?
Floyd and Zoot (a-la "Camptown Races") Doo-dah, doo-dah!


Kermit and LaBrea, machine in hand, are at his desk.
LaBrea Well, what's next on the show?
Kermit (checking his rundown) Uh, just the, uh, closing musical number.
LaBrea Uh, no trumpets, right? Because if this thing goes off one more time...
Kermit I know, I know, you're gonna cancel the show! Uh, no, it's just a, um, well, it's, uh... it's just an encore by our, our violinist.
LaBrea Oh yeah, yeah, good. Well, okay, I'm gonna stay here and watch him.
Kermit (gulps) Right here?
LaBrea Yeah, what's his name? Uh, uh, Izzy something? Uh, uh...
Kermit (sighs) No, in actuality, it's... it's Dizzy Gillespie.
LaBrea Dizzy Gillespie?! (Kermit nods.) That's terrific!
Kermit It is?
LaBrea Yeah!
Kermit Wha-b-but, he plays trumpet.
LaBrea He sure does. The guy's my all-time favorite!
Kermit Huh?
LaBrea Hey, do me a favor. Let me sit in with him. I play a little saxophone.
Kermit Gee, well, uh, why, fine, if you-you'll forget your recorder there.
LaBrea Uh, what recorder?
LaBrea slides the recorded off the desk. It crashes on the floor. Kermit chuckles and heads for the stage.

Closing number

Kermit enters the stage.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's jazz time again. And joining our guest star on this final session is Inspector LaBrea, the Swinging Civil Servant. Ahem. Uh, and here he is, our guest star with one of his great tunes, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaay!
In a Middle Eastern palace, Dizzy sings "Swing Low Sweet Cadillac" as he plays the bongos and later, the trumpet. He's joined by Animal, Janice, Floyd, Sopwith the Camel, a sultan, two harem girls and LaBrea, who plays saxophone during the instrumental portion.


Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay, well, we've done just about all we wanted to do except to say thank you to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, one of the giants of jazz, Mr. Dizzy Gillespie, yaaay!
The crowd applauds as Dizzy enters, bowing.
Dizzy Thank you, Kermit. And I want you to know how much I admire you frogs.
Kermit You-you admire us frogs?
Dizzy Yeah yeah.
Kermit Why is that?
Dizzy Because you all can do this.
Dizzy blows up his cheeks. Kermit is aghast.
Kermit I can't do that! All I can do is say we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! How did you do that? Oh, that's wonderful!
Fozzie (entering) Hey!
Beauregard, Scooter and various Muppets from the closing number surround Dizzy as the closing theme plays.
Waldorf and Astoria Boo!
LaBrea's monitor begins blaring as he enters their theater box, still in costume.
LaBrea That does it! The show is cancelled!
Waldorf and Astoria cheer as LaBrea sighs and shakes his head.