Floyd plays a guitar solo, until a gorilla crashes cymbals on his head.
Instead of blowing his trumpet, Gonzo blows the horn of a cow.
Gonzo
Another television first!
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And a terrific show we have for you tonight, because our special guest is the lovely recording star and entertainer, Miss Anne Murray! But, before we meet Miss Murray, we have a sensational opening number. Now I'm not going to tell you anything about it, because I want it to be a real surprise and — uh — just a second.
A loud motor is heard behind the curtain.
Kermit
Hey, uh — hey back there? Uh, would you turn off that, uh, that uh, ahem, chainsaw? Turn off the chainsaw.
Fozzie
Kermit — Kerm - Kermit? Kermit. That's not a chainsaw. That — that's the motorcycle for Miss Piggy's opening number.
Kermit
(sotto) I know it's a motorcycle. I was trying to keep it from the audience!
Fozzie
(covers his mouth) Oh. (taps his head and whispers) Gotcha. Gotcha. (goes behind the curtain) Uh, hey, hey guys, back there? Uh, turn off that … (glances at crowd) … chainsaw! (taps Kermit) Got it. (exits)
Kermit
I don't know why I even try. Ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, featuring Miss Piggy on a motorcycle.
Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest…
Scooter wheels by on the skateboard, carrying Piggy. They crash on the other side.
Kermit
Uh, our very special guest, with one of my very favorite songs, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray!
Open on a wintry setting. Anne emerges and sings "Snowbird" as white birds fly behind her. She sits on a tree stump and talks to a dodo.
Dodo
Hi-de-ho there! (chuckles) Hi there, pretty lady! Uh, singin' to the snowbirds, huh?
Anne
Um, yes. Who are you?
Dodo
Oh, I'm the dodo who lives around here. (chuckles)
Anne
(chuckles) Well, this is a beautiful forest.
Dodo
Oh, really? They're tearing it all down.
Anne
You're kidding?
Dodo
Nope. Gonna build apartment houses. Yep, rip out the trees, brick up the creek — (laughs) — apartments everywhere!
Anne
I didn't know birds built apartment houses.
Dodo
Oh, yeah, these are especially built for birds.
Anne
Oh?
Dodo
Yeah. They're "condor-miniums"! (laughs)
Anne
(laughs) Uh, can I get on with my song now?
Dodo
Yeah, but you'd better sing fast. The bulldozers are coming.
Anne
(with dodo) Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly … away with you.
Applause.
Waldorf
What were those little flying things?
Statler
Snowbirds.
Waldorf
Oh. S'no good, either.
Backstage[]
Anne and the birds, including the dodo, pass Kermit.
Kermit
Okay! Great number. Great — now, that was just wonderful, Anne.
Anne
Thank you.
Dodo
Hey! What about me?
Kermit
Uh, well, to be honest, I hate bird jokes.
Anne
Oh, come on, Kermit. He just did it for a lark. (giggles)
Dodo
(laughs)
Beauregard wheels a backdrop. Scooter appears in the balcony.
Kermit
(stammers) Oh, boy. Oh — oh, Scooter? Scooter, would you tell the Mexican hat dancers they're on next?
Scooter
Oh, I did.
Kermit
Uh, good. Uh, Scooter, uh, you're — you're not riding your skateboard up there, are you?
Scooter
Nope. I left it downstairs.
Kermit
Oh, good. Uh …
He slips on the skateboard and tears through the backdrop. The dancers all laugh at him.
Kermit
Uh, you think that's funny, huh?
Dancer (JN)
Si! Mucho ha-ha!
The dancers continue laughing.
Kermit
Yeah, well, well, here's another mucho ha-ha for you — you see, your set is ruined and so the Mexican hat dance number has to be canceled! (exits)
The dancers all express disappointment.
Dancer (JN)
Aww! Doña Maria!
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
And now for this Muppet newsflash. Muppet Labs announced today the invention of a new hair-trigger exploding paper. The paper was inscribed with the following message, quote, "Muppet Labs announced today the invention of a new hair-trigger exploding paper."
The paper goes up in flames, much to his astonishment.
Koozebane[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, there's been a last-minute program change. Uh, the Mexican hat dancers have graciously stepped aside —
The dancers throw their hats at him and curse.
Kermit
Uh … ahem … so that, uh, so that we may present the following piece of weirdness.
Okay, and now, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from a record-breaking two-day engagement at the Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, parrot jungle — (inhales) — Milton Miller and his Farmyard Philharmonic Trio! YAAAYYY!
The was an old man and he had an old sow, (*whacks pig*) Ow, (*whacks sheep*) ow, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-dow, Suzanne is a funnyful man. Say lassy go ring say low, Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan, Suzanne is a funnyful man.
Statler and Waldorf stare blankly and shake their heads.
Milton
Oh, this here a lovely little song and we want y'all to sing along, the whole audience. Here we go.
Now this old sow had three little pigs, (*whacks pig*) igs, (*whacks sheep*) igs, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-dig, Suzanne is a funnyful man. Say lassy go ring say low, Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan, Suzanne is a funnyful man.
The audience remains quiet and still.
Milton
Uh, now listen, some of you folks aren't singin'. I want to hear y'all now, here we go. Heh heh heh.
Now these three pigs, they made their best ham, (*whacks pig*) am, (*whacks sheep*) am, (*whacks duck*) ardl-e-darn, Suzanne is a funny old man.
The audience remains quiet and still.
Milton
Say lassy go ring say low, Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan, Suzanne is a funny old man.
Heh heh. Oh, you folks aren't singin' there now, let's hear y'all. Here we go. Last rhyme. These three little pigs, they had to be stuck, (*whacks pig*) uck, (*whacks sheep*) uck, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-duck, Suzanne is a funny old man. Say lassy go ring say low, Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan, Suzanne is a funnyful man.
The biker pigs gang up on him.
Milton
Oh — oh — what's the matter with you people? How come you don't sing?
Biker Pig (JH)
'Cause this is a dumb song.
The curtain closes.
Dressing room[]
Anne puts on lipstick. There's a knock on the door.
Anne
Come in.
Zoot
Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss, uh …
Anne
Murray.
Zoot
Yeah. (shuts the door) Miss Murray, I'm, uh … uh …
Anne
Zoot.
Zoot
Yeah. Yeah. (she giggles) Well, I just came up to your, uh …
Anne
Dressing room?
Zoot
Yeah. Because, because, I was looking for my, uh …
Anne
Saxophone. (gives it to him)
Zoot
Yeah. Anything else you wanna know?
Anne
(giggles) No, that about covers it. You know, there's just one way to keep from losing that thing.
Zoot
What's that?
Anne
Keep blowing it.
Zoot
Good thinking.
Zoot starts playing. Anne starts singing "Walk Right Back". The rest of the Electric Mayhem soon join them.
Anne
(midway through) Take it, Zoot.
Zoot plays a sax solo before she finishes. Applause.
Janice
Fer sure.
Anne
That's very nice, uh …
Zoot
Zoot.
She nods.
Backstage[]
Kermit notices Silver Beak and Purple Heap mumbling.
Kermit
Hey, are those guys still here? They finished their number along time ago. Why don't they go home?
Beauregard
They say they want transportation.
Kermit
Transportation?
Beauregard
Yeah. They say they're waiting for their chauffeur. (walks off)
Kermit
Ahem. Uh, guys, there seems to be some misunderstanding here. You see, we never, ever —
They start manhandling him.
Kermit
— absolutely never fail to provide transportation! (they let him go) Uh, your chauffeur's name is SCOOTER!
Scooter
Oh — okay, boss!
Kermit
Why don't you wait there by the door, and he'll come and pick you up. (they head for the exit) Scooter?
Scooter
(wheels by) Whoaaaa! Ready!
Kermit
Uh, your passengers are down there by the door.
Scooter
Okay!
He wheels down the stairs, and they all go crashing through the exit.
Beauregard lies in bed as a ghostly girl dances on the ceiling.
Beauregard
She dances overhead, On the ceiling near my bed. In my sight, Through the night. (scats) I try to hide in vain, Underneath my counterpane. There's my love, Up above.
He plays a harmonica solo as she dances.
Beauregard
I love my ceiling more, Since it is a dancing floor, Just for … my love.
She accidentally breaks a hole in the ceiling. An old lady peeps through the hole.
Old lady
How many times have I told you?! No dancing on the ceiling!
Muppet Sports[]
The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger
Welcome again to the wild world of Muppet Sports. Louis Kazagger here in Glasgow, Scotland, where Angus MacGregor is about to attempt to break the world record for bagpipe eating.
Angle on Angus at a table, warming up.
Louis Kazagger
And there's Angus, obviously at the peak of his form. And there's the bagpipe.
A referee fires a pistol.
Louis Kazagger
And they're off! Angus bends back for a tremendous first bite and overhand — oh, wait!
He stabs the bagpipe with a fork, and it comes to life and starts attacking him.
Louis Kazagger
Stop! Don't eat that bagpipe! It's not dead yet!
MacGregor struggles to beat the bagpipe.
Louis Kazagger
Somehow MacGregor has gotten hold of a live bagpipe, one of the deadliest creatures known to man! Wait! This is incredible. MacGregor seems to be getting the upper hand! Yes, it's true, and here it is! A genuine highland fling!
MacGregor spins it around and throws it on the ground. The crowd goes wild.
Louis Kazagger
And there you have it, folks! One of the most astounding feats ever!
The bagpipe gets up and starts firing through its pipes. Louis flees.
Uh, well, maybe next week, Scooter. Uh, we're just about to do the closing number now.
Scooter
Oh, gee. My uncle who owns this theater, and who's in the audience tonight, and who won't be here next week because he's talking to his accountant about a big rent increase …
Kermit
Yeah.
Scooter
… would be very disappointed.
Kermit
(sigh) Scooter. Shouldn't you be getting your skateboard ready for the closing number?
Scooter
Oh, thanks, chief! (runs off)
Kermit
(frowns) Some chief. Taking orders from the papoose.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen — uh, and of course, Scooter's uncle — once again, it is time for our guest star — and our skateboards — so, let's have a really big hand for Miss Anne Murray! YAAAY!
For the closing number, Anne sings "Everything Old Is New Again" while Scooter, Fozzie, Lew Zealand, pigs from the biker gang, Zoot (playing his sax), and some Whatnots skate around on skateboards.
Goodnights[]
Kermit rolls onstage.
Kermit
Heyyyy … this is easier than I thought! Whaaaa… anyway, it's time to go, but we can't until we've said goodbye to a wonderful lady and a great singer, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray! YAAAAYY — whaaaa!
Applause as she comes out.
Anne
Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's been a lot of fun. You people are just wonderful …
She pats him on the back, which sends him rolling into the orchestra pit. He gets his head stuck in a French horn; Anne pulls him up.
Anne
Kermit, are you alright?
Kermit
Uh — yeah — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Other Muppets roll by as Anne blows Kermit out of the horn.
Kermit
Uh, thanks a lot, Anne.
The credits roll.
Statler
You know, something doesn't have to be funny to be good.