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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 415: Anne Murray.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Oh Anne? Anne Murray? 15 seconds to curtain, Miss Murray.
Anne Thanks, Scooter.
Scooter wheels around the dressing room on a skateboard.
Anne Say, is skateboarding allowed in the theater?
Scooter Nope. Strictly forbidden. It's for some dumb reason, though I don't know why.
He crashes into a table with dinnerware. He gets up, dazed.
Scooter I just remembered the reason.
Anne takes to the camera.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Anne Murray! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Floyd plays a guitar solo, until a gorilla crashes cymbals on his head.
Gonzo open 415.jpg
Instead of blowing his trumpet, Gonzo blows the horn of a cow.
Gonzo Another television first!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And a terrific show we have for you tonight, because our special guest is the lovely recording star and entertainer, Miss Anne Murray! But, before we meet Miss Murray, we have a sensational opening number. Now I'm not going to tell you anything about it, because I want it to be a real surprise and β€” uh β€” just a second.
A loud motor is heard behind the curtain.
Kermit Hey, uh β€” hey back there? Uh, would you turn off that, uh, that uh, ahem, chainsaw? Turn off the chainsaw.
Fozzie Kermit β€” Kerm - Kermit? Kermit. That's not a chainsaw. That β€” that's the motorcycle for Miss Piggy's opening number.
Kermit (sotto) I know it's a motorcycle. I was trying to keep it from the audience!
Fozzie (covers his mouth) Oh. (taps his head and whispers) Gotcha. Gotcha. (goes behind the curtain) Uh, hey, hey guys, back there? Uh, turn off that … (glances at crowd) … chainsaw! (taps Kermit) Got it. (exits)
Kermit I don't know why I even try. Ladies and gentlemen, our opening number, featuring Miss Piggy on a motorcycle.
Fozzie You blew it! It's not a motorcycle! …
They bicker their way offstage.
Miss Piggy, Link Hogthrob, and the pigs perform "I Get Around" as a biker gang.
Statler What do you think of pigs on bikes?
Waldorf I never have liked road hogs.
They chuckle.
Statler "Road hogs"! (laughs)


The pigs pass by Kermit.
Pig (JN) Round, round, round, we got around that.
Kermit That's a good number, guys.
Link Hogthrob (vrooms)
Miss Piggy (to Link) Cool it, porko. The number is over.
Link Hogthrob … put-put-put-put … (exits)
Kermit Oh boy. (looks over the rundown)
Miss Piggy Kermie?
Kermit Yeah?
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie, you know, you and I should have done that number together.
Kermit Oh?
Miss Piggy You'd be very attractive in the "leather and goggle" look.
Kermit Well, I'd just need the leather. I already got the goggle look.
Miss Piggy (admires him) Yes. I just love your eyes. Ohh. They're like β€” like β€” two ping-pong balls floating in a pond of green algae. (sighs, runs off)
Kermit Must be true. Everybody says the same thing.
Scooter wheels by.
Scooter Whoa! I'm in trouble! I can't stop! WHOAAA!
Kermit Try to run into something soft and well-padded!
Scooter WHAAA β€” Miss Piggy!
She turns her head and screams. Scooter crashes into her and scoops her up.


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest…
Scooter wheels by on the skateboard, carrying Piggy. They crash on the other side.
Kermit Uh, our very special guest, with one of my very favorite songs, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray!
Open on a wintry setting. Anne emerges and sings "Snowbird" as white birds fly behind her. She sits on a tree stump and talks to a dodo.
Dodo Hi-de-ho there! (chuckles) Hi there, pretty lady! Uh, singin' to the snowbirds, huh?
Anne Um, yes. Who are you?
Dodo Oh, I'm the dodo who lives around here. (chuckles)
Anne (chuckles) Well, this is a beautiful forest.
Dodo Oh, really? They're tearing it all down.
Anne You're kidding?
Dodo Nope. Gonna build apartment houses. Yep, rip out the trees, brick up the creek β€” (laughs) β€” apartments everywhere!
Anne I didn't know birds built apartment houses.
Dodo Oh, yeah, these are especially built for birds.
Anne Oh?
Dodo Yeah. They're "condor-miniums"! (laughs)
Anne (laughs) Uh, can I get on with my song now?
Dodo Yeah, but you'd better sing fast. The bulldozers are coming.
Anne (with dodo) Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly … away with you.
Waldorf What were those little flying things?
Statler Snowbirds.
Waldorf Oh. S'no good, either.


Anne and the birds, including the dodo, pass Kermit.
Kermit Okay! Great number. Great β€” now, that was just wonderful, Anne.
Anne Thank you.
Dodo Hey! What about me?
Kermit Uh, well, to be honest, I hate bird jokes.
Anne Oh, come on, Kermit. He just did it for a lark. (giggles)
Dodo (laughs)
Beauregard wheels a backdrop. Scooter appears in the balcony.
Kermit (stammers) Oh, boy. Oh β€” oh, Scooter? Scooter, would you tell the Mexican hat dancers they're on next?
Scooter Oh, I did.
Kermit Uh, good. Uh, Scooter, uh, you're β€” you're not riding your skateboard up there, are you?
Scooter Nope. I left it downstairs.
Kermit Oh, good. Uh …
He slips on the skateboard and tears through the backdrop. The dancers all laugh at him.
Kermit Uh, you think that's funny, huh?
Dancer (JN) Si! Mucho ha-ha!
The dancers continue laughing.
Kermit Yeah, well, well, here's another mucho ha-ha for you β€” you see, your set is ruined and so the Mexican hat dance number has to be canceled! (exits)
The dancers all express disappointment.
Dancer (JN) Aww! DoΓ±a Maria!

Muppet newsflash

Newsman And now for this Muppet newsflash. Muppet Labs announced today the invention of a new hair-trigger exploding paper. The paper was inscribed with the following message, quote, "Muppet Labs announced today the invention of a new hair-trigger exploding paper."
The paper goes up in flames, much to his astonishment.


Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh, there's been a last-minute program change. Uh, the Mexican hat dancers have graciously stepped aside β€”
The dancers throw their hats at him and curse.
Kermit Uh … ahem … so that, uh, so that we may present the following piece of weirdness.
Open on Planet Koozebane. Green Heap trudges.
Green Heap

Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge.

Silver Beak (streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap (glances) …

Trudge, trudge. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, trudge.

Silver Beak (streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap

Wonder. Wonder. Wonder. Wonder.
Wonder. Wonder.

Silver Beak (streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap

Trudge. Wonder. Trudge. Wonder.
Trudge. Wonder.

Silver Beak (streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap

Wonder. Fess. Wonder. Fume.
Wonder. Fret.

Silver Beak (streaks) STREAK! STREAK!
Green Heap (picks up club)

Fuss. Fume. Fuss. Fret.
Fret. Fume. SMASH! SMASH! (whacks Silver Beak)

Silver Beak Groan. Groan.
Green Heap Chuckle. Chuckle.
Silver Beak

Moan. Whimper. Groan. Whimper.
Moan. Whimper.

Green Heap Gloat. Gloat.
Silver Beak Moan. Whimper.
Green Heap Chuckle. Gloat.
Silver Beak Groan. Whimper.
Green Heap Giggle. Gloat.
Silver Beak Moan.
Green Heap Giggle.
Silver Beak Groan.
Green Heap Chuckle. Gloat.
Silver Beak (picks up club) Whimper, SMASH! SMASH!
The counterattacks begin.
Green Heap BASH! BASH!
Silver Beak CRASH! CRASH!
Green Heap MASH! MASH!
Silver Beak SMASH!
Green Heap SMASH!
They lie down, exhausted.
Green Heap Pain.
Silver Beak Ache.
Green Heap Hurt.
Silver Beak Whimper.
Green Heap Ohhh. Ohh, ohh. Pacify. … Pacify.
Silver Beak Compromise? Compromise?
Green Heap (nods)
Silver Beak Deal?
Green Heap (nods) Deal.
They walk together.
Green Heap Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak Streak! Streak!
Green Heap Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak Streak! Streak!
Green Heap Trudge.
Silver Beak Streak-a!
Green Heap Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak Streak-a! Streak-a!
Green Heap Trudge, trudge.
Silver Beak Trudge! Streak-a! Streak-a!
Green Heap Trudge, streak-a.
Silver Beak Streak-a! Trudge!
Green Heap Trudge, streak-a.

Streak-a, trudge. Trudge, streak-a.
Streak-a, streak-a. Trudge, trudge.
Trudge, streak-a. Streak-a, trudge.
Trudge, trudge and trudge. Streak!


UK spot

Kermit Okay, and now, here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, direct from a record-breaking two-day engagement at the Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, parrot jungle β€” (inhales) β€” Milton Miller and his Farmyard Philharmonic Trio! YAAAYYY!
Milton sings "Is This The Old Sow" while whacking his animals.

The was an old man and he had an old sow,
(*whacks pig*) Ow, (*whacks sheep*) ow, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-dow,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.

Statler and Waldorf stare blankly and shake their heads.
Milton Oh, this here a lovely little song and we want y'all to sing along, the whole audience. Here we go.

Now this old sow had three little pigs,
(*whacks pig*) igs, (*whacks sheep*) igs, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-dig,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.

The audience remains quiet and still.
Milton Uh, now listen, some of you folks aren't singin'. I want to hear y'all now, here we go. Heh heh heh.

Now these three pigs, they made their best ham,
(*whacks pig*) am, (*whacks sheep*) am, (*whacks duck*) ardl-e-darn,
Suzanne is a funny old man.

The audience remains quiet and still.

Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funny old man.
Heh heh. Oh, you folks aren't singin' there now, let's hear y'all. Here we go. Last rhyme.
These three little pigs, they had to be stuck,
(*whacks pig*) uck, (*whacks sheep*) uck, (*whacks duck*) idle-e-duck,
Suzanne is a funny old man.
Say lassy go ring say low,
Suzanne is a funnyful man, (*whacks pig*) an, (*whacks sheep*) idle-e-dan,
Suzanne is a funnyful man.

The biker pigs gang up on him.
Milton Oh β€” oh β€” what's the matter with you people? How come you don't sing?
Biker Pig (JH) 'Cause this is a dumb song.
The curtain closes.

Dressing room

Anne puts on lipstick. There's a knock on the door.
Anne Come in.
Zoot Uh, excuse me, uh, Miss, uh …
Anne Murray.
Zoot Yeah. (shuts the door) Miss Murray, I'm, uh … uh …
Anne Zoot.
Zoot Yeah. Yeah. (she giggles) Well, I just came up to your, uh …
Anne Dressing room?
Zoot Yeah. Because, because, I was looking for my, uh …
Anne Saxophone. (gives it to him)
Zoot Yeah. Anything else you wanna know?
Anne (giggles) No, that about covers it. You know, there's just one way to keep from losing that thing.
Zoot What's that?
Anne Keep blowing it.
Zoot Good thinking.
Zoot starts playing. Anne starts singing "Walk Right Back". The rest of the Electric Mayhem soon join them.
Anne (midway through) Take it, Zoot.
Zoot plays a sax solo before she finishes. Applause.
Janice Fer sure.
Anne That's very nice, uh …
Zoot Zoot.
She nods.


Kermit notices Silver Beak and Purple Heap mumbling.
Kermit Hey, are those guys still here? They finished their number along time ago. Why don't they go home?
Beauregard They say they want transportation.
Kermit Transportation?
Beauregard Yeah. They say they're waiting for their chauffeur. (walks off)
Kermit Ahem. Uh, guys, there seems to be some misunderstanding here. You see, we never, ever β€”
They start manhandling him.
Kermit β€” absolutely never fail to provide transportation! (they let him go) Uh, your chauffeur's name is SCOOTER!
Scooter Oh β€” okay, boss!
Kermit Why don't you wait there by the door, and he'll come and pick you up. (they head for the exit) Scooter?
Scooter (wheels by) Whoaaaa! Ready!
Kermit Uh, your passengers are down there by the door.
Scooter Okay!
He wheels down the stairs, and they all go crashing through the exit.

"Dancing on the Ceiling"

Beauregard lies in bed as a ghostly girl dances on the ceiling.

She dances overhead,
On the ceiling near my bed.
In my sight,
Through the night. (scats)
I try to hide in vain,
Underneath my counterpane.
There's my love,
Up above.

He plays a harmonica solo as she dances.

I love my ceiling more,
Since it is a dancing floor,
Just for … my love.

She accidentally breaks a hole in the ceiling. An old lady peeps through the hole.
Old lady How many times have I told you?! No dancing on the ceiling!

Muppet Sports

The opening montage plays.
Louis Kazagger Welcome again to the wild world of Muppet Sports. Louis Kazagger here in Glasgow, Scotland, where Angus MacGregor is about to attempt to break the world record for bagpipe eating.
Angle on Angus at a table, warming up.
Louis Kazagger And there's Angus, obviously at the peak of his form. And there's the bagpipe.
A referee fires a pistol.
Louis Kazagger And they're off! Angus bends back for a tremendous first bite and overhand β€” oh, wait!
He stabs the bagpipe with a fork, and it comes to life and starts attacking him.
Louis Kazagger Stop! Don't eat that bagpipe! It's not dead yet!
MacGregor struggles to beat the bagpipe.
Louis Kazagger Somehow MacGregor has gotten hold of a live bagpipe, one of the deadliest creatures known to man! Wait! This is incredible. MacGregor seems to be getting the upper hand! Yes, it's true, and here it is! A genuine highland fling!
MacGregor spins it around and throws it on the ground. The crowd goes wild.
Louis Kazagger And there you have it, folks! One of the most astounding feats ever!
The bagpipe gets up and starts firing through its pipes. Louis flees.
Louis Kazagger Wh β€” oh no! It's that β€” oh, they're re-bagging! Oh, help!


The bagpipe chases Louis backstage, still firing.
Louis Kazagger (screams)
Scooter Sheesh. Hey, Kermit?
Kermit Uh, yeah?
Scooter Can we do some skateboard tricks onstage?
Kermit Uh, well, maybe next week, Scooter. Uh, we're just about to do the closing number now.
Scooter Oh, gee. My uncle who owns this theater, and who's in the audience tonight, and who won't be here next week because he's talking to his accountant about a big rent increase …
Kermit Yeah.
Scooter … would be very disappointed.
Kermit (sigh) Scooter. Shouldn't you be getting your skateboard ready for the closing number?
Scooter Oh, thanks, chief! (runs off)
Kermit (frowns) Some chief. Taking orders from the papoose.

"Everything Old Is New Again"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare, frowning.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen β€” uh, and of course, Scooter's uncle β€” once again, it is time for our guest star β€” and our skateboards β€” so, let's have a really big hand for Miss Anne Murray! YAAAY!
For the closing number, Anne sings "Everything Old Is New Again" while Scooter, Fozzie, Lew Zealand, pigs from the biker gang, Zoot (playing his sax), and some Whatnots skate around on skateboards.


Kermit rolls onstage.
Kermit Heyyyy … this is easier than I thought! Whaaaa… anyway, it's time to go, but we can't until we've said goodbye to a wonderful lady and a great singer, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Anne Murray! YAAAAYY β€” whaaaa!
Applause as she comes out.
Anne Thank you, Kermit. You know, it's been a lot of fun. You people are just wonderful …
She pats him on the back, which sends him rolling into the orchestra pit. He gets his head stuck in a French horn; Anne pulls him up.
Anne Kermit, are you alright?
Kermit Uh β€” yeah β€” we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Other Muppets roll by as Anne blows Kermit out of the horn.
Kermit Uh, thanks a lot, Anne.
The credits roll.
Statler You know, something doesn't have to be funny to be good.
Waldorf What'd you think of this show?
Statler It was good!
They laugh.