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Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
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Kermit
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Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. —
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Jonathan
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Please! Please. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you. (sobs) All my props are gone! I'm — I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
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Kermit
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(frets) What'll we do now?
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Fozzie
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Kermit — that was — oh, that was so sad. Can we — declare an intermission?
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Kermit
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Uh, I tried that once. The audience left and they never came back.
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Fozzie
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Uh — I know — (whispers) I'll get my props. Jonathan can use them.
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Kermit
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Oh, good. Hurry up and get 'em. Get 'em.
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Fozzie
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Yes, sir. (waves to crowd) Aaah. (exits)
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Kermit
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Uh, uh, just stay with us, ladies and gentlemen, uh, Jonathan Winters will be right out. I hope. (exits)
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Behind the curtain, Fozzie wheels a giant steamer trunk.
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Fozzie
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Here we go. Here's my prop box. (grunts) You can use it all.
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Jonathan
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(picks up a noose) Oh, dear. I was sure this would have held him.
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Kermit
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Oh, good. You're ready. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY!
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The curtain opens on Jonathan and the trunk.
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Jonathan
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Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. Bless your heart. (waves) You don't have to wave back. Oh dear. Well, what I love to do is to … open the trunk — pardon my back — it's either that or my front — (Fozzie hands him a nautical hat from the trunk) … and of course … it's just full of things that I've collected from all over the world. How dramatic.
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He puts on the hat.
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Jonathan
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Yes, let's hope that this is the front. Long time since I've been an officer. (as captain) Steady as she goes. Elias, you'll do well at the wheel. (as first mate) Thank you, sir. Thank you. I wish I could make you out in this bloody storm. (as captain) Ha ha ha. (stabs first mate) My turn. (steers) Steady as she goes. Hated to kill him, but this is my ship.
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Applause. Fozzie hands Jonathan a top hat.
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Fozzie
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Terrific. Here. Go ahead.
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Jonathan
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(British accent) Oh, what a lovely day. Margot, please, pay attention. Shooting Star, my horse … my horse is running. Could I have your glasses — not those, the other ones. Poor nearsighted devil. Oh — Lord Charles! Lord Charles — hello! Hello! (blowdart sound) Why does he do that? Those things hurt. (blow) to you!
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Applause.
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Fozzie
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That was terrific.
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Jonathan
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No it wasn't.
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Jonathan
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I'll tell you when it is.
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Fozzie
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Sorry.
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Jonathan
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(as John Wayne) Well, I don't care what you say. I'm not afraid. Sure, there's six thousand Shoshone. You, Walking Bear, come here. (switches to Native American, then back to Wayne) You got a lotta lines for an Indian.
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Applause. Fozzie hands him a feather headdress.
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Fozzie
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This is — oh, you — this is gonna be great.
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Jonathan
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Is it?
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Fozzie
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I think so.
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Jonathan
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I'll be the judge of that.
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Fozzie
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Yes, sir.
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Jonathan
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So far, I'm the judge.
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He dons the headdress and speaks mock-Native American.
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Jonathan
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(as chief) My people … and I … Chief Iron Hand … will do a dance for you. Please take pictures of us.
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He does a Native chant. The gypsy watches from the wings.
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Gypsy
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Sa-doom-boom!
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The set falls apart and the curtain comes down.
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Waldorf
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Heh, how about that? They brought the house down. (laughs)
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Statler
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That's an old joke.
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Waldorf
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Well, some things improve with age.
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Statler
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You don't. (laughs)
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Waldorf punches him.
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