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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 416: Jonathan Winters.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Jonathan Winters? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Winters.
Jonathan Please, why do they do this to me? There's no time for that. Don't you know there's an old gypsy? And she's put a curse on the performance. I just can't appear tonight. I can't appear, I tell ya.
Scooter But sir, there's no gypsy curse.
Jonathan Oh, yeah. It's always people like you that say, (mocks him) "There's no gypsy curse!" Well, there is a gypsy curse! I saw her in the alley. Frightening woman with hair clear out to here. One eye, that tells you something, a one-eyed woman. She looked like she'd been hit from the back real hard. It just β€” OOM! popped out.
Jonathan She said "There's a curse on this show!" What does it take β€” to believe me?
Scooter Um, gee, I …
The hatrack falls on Scooter.
Jonathan Huh? Well?
Scooter (gets up, dazed) That'll do fine.
Jonathan Glad you took the brunt of it.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Jonathan Winters! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
A gypsy pops up in Statler and Waldorf's box. The men shiver.
Gypsy A curse upon this Muppet Show!
Gonzo plays his trumpet as a bugle call, summoning a horse.
Horse You called? (giggles)

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And boy, do we have a treat in store, because our guest star tonight is one of your all-time terrific, never-to-miss comedians, the king of nuttiness, Mr. Jonathan Winters! What good news.
A sandbag falls behind him, startling him.
Kermit Well, uh, uh, so much for the good news.
Another sandbag falls behind him, startling him.
Kermit (shaken) I-I-I thought lightning never struck twice.
Kermit Uh, will you get these sandbags outta here?!? Up up up up up! Uh, I'm going backstage to unfrazzle. But right now, it's circus time! YAAAYY!
At the circus, some pig lion tamers tease Butch and out on to the stage while singing "Hold That Tiger". Sundance arrives, gun-toting in a mask, to rescue his friend.
Butch About time you showed up, Sundance!
Sundance Sorry I'm late, Butch, but that cross-town traffic is murder!
The pair exit the stage by way of weaving through three rings of fire.
Waldorf Oh, poor Butch and Sundance. After an escape like that, they'll have to hide out in some dismal, dark, depressing hole in the wall.
The two beasts pop up behind Statler and Waldorf.
Sundance We'll hide out here, Butch.


The pigs run backstage, frightened.
Pigs Help! Help!
Kermit Hey β€” hey, what are you guys doing here? Your act just started!
Pig (DG) Somebody stole our tiger! (runs off)
Kermit Good grief! Uh, Scooter, what's on next?
Scooter Oh, uh, Patti Saverne and her trained chair!
Kermit Oh.
Patti comes out of the dressing room with a chair.
Patti Coming!
Kermit Hmm?
Patti Yep, we're ready! (cracks whip) Hah!
She trips and falls on her chair, breaking it. She gets up
Patti Oh boy, yeah. Could you use some very talented sticks?
Kermit (frets) Forget it. Uh, let's see, uh, (through the intercom) onstage, Bernice and her half-horse half-watermelon act!
Floyd Oh, bad luck, Kermit.
Kermit Hmm?
Floyd Yeah, the horse half just came down with hoof-and-mouth disease.
Kermit (frets) Could we just use the watermelon half?
Floyd What a bizarre and disgusting thought. Yuch!
Kermit I guess so, uh, well, uh, what β€” what can we send out on stage now?
Fozzie How 'bout β€” hey, how 'bout Jonathan?
Kermit Jonathan! Jonathan Winters! Uh, Jonathan Winters on stage please!
Fozzie Yeah!
Applause as Jonathan emerges from his dressing room, still frazzled.
Kermit What is it, Jonathan?
Jonathan Kermit, Kermit, I can't go on tonight, I just can't go on tonight. I don't know about you β€” whether you've heard this or not, but there's been a curse put on by a horrible gypsy lady. A curse put on the show.
Kermit No, no, no, there is no gypsy curse on tonight's show!
Jonathan Pay attention to me! There's a curse put on the show, I tell you.
Kermit Jonathan, if you'd just get out on stage please, and do your act now?
Jonathan I'm not going to do my act, I tell you. Not with a curse on the show.
Kermit But β€”
Jonathan (as gypsy) "I don't care what you say! There's been a curse put on this show!" That's the way she talks.
Fozzie Hurry, hurry, hurry! Hurry! You're on!
Fozzie leads Jonathan onstage. The gypsy pops up.
Gypsy I don't care what you say! There's a curse been put on this show!
She ducks down as Scooter appears.
Scooter Is there an echo in here tonight? (looks around)

Prop comedy

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, it's a real honor to introduce our special guest star tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He's a comedy genius, a man of a million characters, and here he is now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. β€”
Jonathan Please! Please. The gypsy curse is upon us, I tell you. (sobs) All my props are gone! I'm β€” I'm ruined! I'm ruined.
Kermit (frets) What'll we do now?
Fozzie Kermit β€” that was β€” oh, that was so sad. Can we β€” declare an intermission?
Kermit Uh, I tried that once. The audience left and they never came back.
Fozzie Uh β€” I know β€” (whispers) I'll get my props. Jonathan can use them.
Kermit Oh, good. Hurry up and get 'em. Get 'em.
Fozzie Yes, sir. (waves to crowd) Aaah. (exits)
Kermit Uh, uh, just stay with us, ladies and gentlemen, uh, Jonathan Winters will be right out. I hope. (exits)
Behind the curtain, Fozzie wheels a giant steamer trunk.
Fozzie Here we go. Here's my prop box. (grunts) You can use it all.
Backstage winters.jpg
Jonathan (picks up a noose) Oh, dear. I was sure this would have held him.
Kermit Oh, good. You're ready. (goes onstage) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I think we're all ready back there now. Uh, here he is, uh, Mr. Jonathan Winters! YAAAYY!
The curtain opens on Jonathan and the trunk.
Jonathan Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. Bless your heart. (waves) You don't have to wave back. Oh dear. Well, what I love to do is to … open the trunk β€” pardon my back β€” it's either that or my front β€” (Fozzie hands him a nautical hat from the trunk) … and of course … it's just full of things that I've collected from all over the world. How dramatic.
He puts on the hat.
Jonathan Yes, let's hope that this is the front. Long time since I've been an officer. (as captain) Steady as she goes. Elias, you'll do well at the wheel. (as first mate) Thank you, sir. Thank you. I wish I could make you out in this bloody storm. (as captain) Ha ha ha. (stabs first mate) My turn. (steers) Steady as she goes. Hated to kill him, but this is my ship.
Applause. Fozzie hands Jonathan a top hat.
Fozzie Terrific. Here. Go ahead.
Jonathan (British accent) Oh, what a lovely day. Margot, please, pay attention. Shooting Star, my horse … my horse is running. Could I have your glasses β€” not those, the other ones. Poor nearsighted devil. Oh β€” Lord Charles! Lord Charles β€” hello! Hello! (blowdart sound) Why does he do that? Those things hurt. (blow) to you!
Fozzie That was terrific.
Jonathan No it wasn't.
Jonathan I'll tell you when it is.
Fozzie Sorry.
Jonathan (as John Wayne) Well, I don't care what you say. I'm not afraid. Sure, there's six thousand Shoshone. You, Walking Bear, come here. (switches to Native American, then back to Wayne) You got a lotta lines for an Indian.
Applause. Fozzie hands him a feather headdress.
Fozzie This is β€” oh, you β€” this is gonna be great.
Jonathan Is it?
Fozzie I think so.
Jonathan I'll be the judge of that.
Fozzie Yes, sir.
Jonathan So far, I'm the judge.
He dons the headdress and speaks mock-Native American.
Jonathan (as chief) My people … and I … Chief Iron Hand … will do a dance for you. Please take pictures of us.
He does a Native chant. The gypsy watches from the wings.
Gypsy Sa-doom-boom!
The set falls apart and the curtain comes down.
Waldorf Heh, how about that? They brought the house down. (laughs)
Statler That's an old joke.
Waldorf Well, some things improve with age.
Statler You don't. (laughs)
Waldorf punches him.


Fozzie Kermit! Kermit β€” it is murder out there. (Kermit nods) Y'know, we must really be under that old gypsy lady's curse.
Kermit Fozzie, that's ridiculous. Now, everything's pretty much as always.
Fozzie Wh β€” Kermit! How can you say that? (grabs him) We are doomed! (shakes him) Yes! What has to happen before you realize that??
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie What?
Kermit Something β€” something truly bizarre, hideous and unnatural.
Gonzo (WHOOSH!) You called?
Kermit Gonzo, you don't count. (Gonzo exits) Now, I will believe that there's a curse only if we're visited by something absolutely disastrous.
A meteor falls from the sky and lands on Kermit's flipper. Kermit yelps.
Fozzie How about a β€” a meteor falling on your flipper?
Kermit (sigh) Fozzie, listen, uh, would you β€” would you go out on stage and fill for me? I mean, you and Scooter could do that song you were practicing.
Fozzie Oh, right, gotcha. SCOOTER!
Scooter Hey, I'm ready! (follows Fozzie onstage)
Kermit Get out there! (sigh) Oh boy. I bet nothing else can happen tonight.
Two steam-blowing aliens hatch out of the meteor.
Kermit All bets are off.
Aliens Do not fear, Earth man. We come only to observe and ask questions.

"On Her Doorstep Last Night"

Main stage. Fozzie enters nervously.
Fozzie Uh, uh, Scooter! Ahhh. Alright, hit it! One, two β€”
Scooter Fozzie, don't you think we should introduce the number?
The orchestra begins playing.
Fozzie Oh yeah. It's called uh, "On Her Doorstep" with me, and him.

When a heart is young and free,
And spring is in full bloom,
The young man's fancy turns to love, we know. Ahhh. Scooter.


There's a pair I often see,
As they stand beneath the moon.
And the other night he just let himself go.

Fozzie What did he do?
Scooter He kissed her.
Fozzie Who did?
Scooter He did.
Fozzie Where?
Both On her doorstep last night.
Fozzie He hugged her.
Scooter Who did?
Fozzie He did.
Scooter Where?
Both On her doorstep last night.
Scooter He said "You are my darling, Kate" …
Fozzie Then he squeezed her fingers in the garden gate.
Scooter Then he kissed her.
Fozzie Who did?
Scooter He did.
Fozzie Where?
Both On her doorstep last night.

La la la la, la la la la, la β€”

They notice the aliens dancing. Kermit watches from the wings.
Kermit I believe it. The show is cursed.
The gypsy joins him, giggling. Scooter and Fozzie continue singing nervously with the aliens.
Scooter & Fozzie Then he kissed her.
Aliens Who did?
Scooter & Fozzie He did.
Aliens Where?
Scooter & Fozzie

On her doorstep last night.
He hugged her.

Aliens Who did?
Scooter & Fozzie He did.
Aliens Where?
Scooter & Fozzie

On her doorstep last night.
He said "You are my darling, Kate" …


Then he squeezed her fingers in the garden gate.
And we kissed her.

Scooter & Fozzie You did?
Aliens We did.
Scooter and Fozzie scream and run away as one of the aliens pulls a space-gun.
Aliens On her doorstep last night!
Applause. The aliens bow.

Dressing room

The door opens. A shark enters.
Jonathan Yes? Yes, come right in. (sees the shark) Oh, interesting, interesting.
Shark Excuse me, I'm looking for Jacques Cousteau.
Jonathan Jacques Cousteau β€” would you open please?
Shark Ahhh.
Jonathan Yes, there he is. (closes his mouth) Good luck to you.
Shark Thank you.

Bear on Patrol

The opening sequence plays.
Announcer Ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Open on Link stamping papers. Fozzie enters, teetering, with an octopus stuck to his head.
Fozzie Whooaaaaa, gotchaβ€” I gotcha. Come here.
Link Hogthrob Patrol Bear?
Fozzie Yes sir!
Link Hogthrob Listen, would you get back in uniform before I put you on report? That is not regulation headgear.
Fozzie Nope, this is my prisoner. Sir! (struggles more) I caught him picking pockets at the aquarium.
Link Hogthrob Did you catch him wet-handed? (chuckles)
Fozzie Terrific. (struggles more)
Link Hogthrob Listen, Patrol Bear, I want you to book him.
Fozzie Wha-how? How do you mean, how's that?
Link Hogthrob Well, you know, take a set of fingerprints.
Fozzie Wha β€” ah β€” where do I start?
Link Hogthrob Well, you start with the pinky.
Fozzie (struggles more) I don't think he has a pinky β€” I think they're all greenies. Whoa! Whoaaaaa!
Link Hogthrob He must have a pinky. Where would he wear his pinky ring?
Fozzie Sir, could you just get another patrol β€” AAHH! (struggles more) Please don't β€” wait, wait β€”
Fozzie tries his best to get a tentacle-print from the octopus. The phone rings. Link answers it.
Fozzie Sir, could you β€” WAUGH! (struggles more on the floor)
Link Hogthrob Hello? Yeah. What? Hmm. Is that right?
Fozzie Help! I just β€” please, could we talk about this?
Link Hogthrob Okay. (hangs up) Um … something more important has just come up, Patrol Bear. I want you to release β€” Patrol Bear … uh, would you release that prisoner, please?
The octopus pins Fozzie down again.
Link Hogthrob You see, that call was from the aquarium. I want you to go over there and check it out. Somebody stole a valuable octopus.
The octopus gets up, now wearing Fozzie's uniform.
Octopus Check, chief! (exits)
Fozzie gets up, dazed, sans clothing.
Fozzie I … y'see …
He looks down, yelps, covers himself and ducks down.
Fozzie Check, chief. (exits)

UK spot

Gypsy Let me tell you a story, my children.
The gypsy sings "Golden Earrings" in her camp which consists of pigs, including Link and Annie Sue. Link plays a violin solo.
Gypsy (swoons) Send me, Linky baby!
They do one final chorus. Applause.

Muppet Labs

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Ahem. Oh. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, I have good news for you world travelers who are always struggling with cumbersome luggage. Introducing the new Muppet Labs luggage compressor. My assistant, Beaker, will demonstrate.
Beaker enters, wearing a mini sombrero and holding a suitcase, humming "Aloha Oe."
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Okay, Beaker, I see you've dressed like a tourist to make the demonstration more realistic. Very cute. All right, put the bag on.
He puts it on the conveyor belt.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Okay.
The suitcase is moved into the unit. Loud, thumping noises are heard -- klunk-klunk-klunk. Bunsen goes to the other end, where the suitcase comes out, flat as a pancake.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh. Very good! Now, my assistant Beaker will show you, that it also works on large luggage like a steamer trunk.
Beaker struggles with the heavy trunk. He protests at first.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, come on, Beaker, give it the old college try.
The gypsy watches from the wings, giggling. Beaker struggles with the suitcase, but ends up on the conveyor belt. In he goes, into the machine, klunk-klunk-klunk … and comes out flat as a pancake.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew And that's all from Muppet Labs.
Beaker (whimpers)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Come on, Beaker. Uncle Bunny will just put you in an envelope and mail you to the hospital.
Beaker (whimpers)

Dressing room

A knock on the door.
Jonathan Yes?
An alien enters, blowing off some steam.
Alien (FO) Excuse me. I am Jonathan Winters. Who are you?
Jonathan Just a moment. I always have to check. I thought I was Jonathan Winters.
Alien (FO) (snickers) Ahhhh!
Jonathan What planet are you from?
Alien (FO) I'm from Earth.
Jonathan Are you from Earth?
Alien (FO) Yes. I'm a comedian.
Jonathan Are you a comedian?
Alien (FO) Yes. (laughs like Bert)
Jonathan Oh, Steve Martin. Gosh, you'll do anything, won't you?
Alien (FO) Bye-bye. (exits)
Jonathan Beautiful costume, though.

"You'll Never Walk Alone"

A caterpillar trudges through a storm in weather gear singing "You'll Never Walk Alone", braving the fierce wind and rain.


Gonzo tries to comfort a flock of restless chickens. Scooter approaches Kermit.
Scooter Kermit! Kermit! I've just learned a terrible thing.
Kermit What now?
Scooter I just met that old gypsy woman in the alley.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Scooter She made a dire prediction!
Gonzo A dire prediction? (two chickens faint)
Kermit So β€” so, what was the dire prediction?
Scooter Well, the old gypsy woman said that, in the final stages of the curse, everyone would turn Swedish!
Gonzo (gasp!)
Kermit I don't believe it.
Gonzo Girls, did you hear that? In the final stages of the curse, we'll all be (mock Swedish) …
Kermit Gonzo!
Scooter Oh, it's happening already. Gonzo just turned Swedish! Soon everyone'll β€” (mock Swedish) …
Kermit Oh, Scooter!
Fozzie Scooter! Kermit β€” listen to Scooter! He β€” (mock Swedish) …
Kermit Fozzie!
Fozzie and Scooter start fretting in mock Swedish.
Kermit Hey, listen to me, everybody! Uh, hey, listen, there's nothing terrible about turning Swedish! I mean, some of my best friends are (mock Swedish) …
Soon everyone backstage is exclaiming things in mock Swedish. The chaos lures the Swedish Chef to the room who gleefully plays the concertina in celebration.

"English Country Garden"

Main stage. The gypsy enters.
Gypsy Heh heh. Well, it looks like I'll have to introduce the final number. Everyone else around here has turned Swedish.
Statler Not all of us, you old bat! Some of us (mock Swedish) …
Waldorf (laughs) Now you are too, you (mock Swedish) …
Gypsy So much for that. And now, the closing number! (waves arms) Yaaaay! I always wanted to do that.
Three trolls dance to an instrumental version of "English Country Garden". Meanwhile, backstage, a tiger, an Arab and a penguin have joined the mock Swedish-speaking crowd. Jonathan approaches Kermit in the wings.
Jonathan Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Jonathan Excuse me β€” uh, is it true that uh, everyone is turning Swedish?
Kermit (mock Swedish)
Jonathan (mock Swedish)
The dancing continues onstage.
Newsman We interrupt this entertainment to bring you an important news bulletin. Not everyone on the show is turning Swedish. I, for one, have remained my normal self.
Gypsy There is one type person unaffected by the curse.
Newsman I am that type.
Gypsy The boring and stupid type person.
Newsman (scowls) Uh, well, uh, actually, I am sort of starting to feel Swedish. Smorgasbord. Uh, Stockholm. Ingmar Bergman! Meatballs! (exits)
The trolls' dance continues, as Statler and Waldorf continue speaking mock Swedish.
Waldorf … and I demand it now. (gasp) Wait a minute! I can talk! The spell is broken!
Statler We're saved! (they cheer)
Gypsy It's just that your time is up! You guys only paid me for the half-hour curse.
Statler Well, thank goodness!
Kermit Wait a second! You mean you two geezers paid for a gypsy curse to be put on our show?
Statler Yeah, but I didn't think it would include us.
Gypsy You want another hour? It's only seven bucks!
Kermit Will you get off the stage? Come on, off the stage, off the stage!
The trolls' dance continues. In the wings, Jonathan hands the gypsy a wad of bills.
Jonathan Here, the seven dollars I promised.
Gypsy Ah. So, you want the curse back? You got it.
Jonathan (mock Swedish)
The trolls' dance concludes. Applause.


Kermit (mock Swedish) … Jonathan Winters! YAAAAYY!
Applause as Jonathan emerges.
Jonathan (mock Swedish)
Kermit (mock Swedish) … de MΓΌppΓ«t ShΓΈw!
Everyone gathers onstage speaking mock Swedish as the credits roll. The show closes with the Swedish Chef conversing with Statler and Waldorf in their box.