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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 417: Star Wars.

Cold Open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Angus McGonagle! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. McGonagle!
Angus McGonagle Yes sirrree, Scooter, little buddy, I'm rrraring to go!
A whooshing noise is heard. Luke Skywaler busts through the wall, followed by C-3PO and R2-D2.
Scooter Wow, look! It's Luke Skywalker and C-3PO...and R2-D2 from Star Wars! Aw, they'd make much better guests than Mr. McGonagle. You're gonna have to leave.
Scooter begins pushing Angus out of the dressing room door.
Scooter Sorry, c'mon, let's go!
Angus McGonagle What? Now just a minute, youngster!
C-3PO Excuse me, Master Luke. But, what is this strange world we've come to?
Luke Beats me, 3PO. Seems we've landed on some sort of...comedy-variety show planet.
R2D2 (beeps)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest stars, the stars of Star Wars! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
A lamb sits in Statler's seat.
Waldrof You're looking a little sheepish!
Lamb (bleats)
A duck appears in the "O" and bites Gonzo's nose.

Opening number

Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Hi ho, hi ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show, and a very special show we have for you tonight because...until about two minutes ago, our guest was scheduled to be Angus McGonagle the Argyle Gargoyle. But, we have canceled him.
Angus appears behind Kermit.
Angus McGonagle Dadgummit, this is an outrrrage! I demand my spot!
Kermit (stammering) Well, uh, uh, listen. Uh, uh, I don't even know what an argyle gargoyle does.
Angus McGonagle I garrrgle Gerrrshwin.
Kermit (grimaces) The argyle gargoyle gargles Gershwin?
Angus McGonagle Gorrrgeously.
Kermit (whimpers) Will you get off the stage?! Off, off, off!
Angus McGonagle Oh. Arrrr!
Kermit Ooo. Uh, uh, now-now that Angus has been canceled because, believe it or not, with us tonight are none other than the stars of Star Wars featuring special guest Mark Hamill! But first, in keeping with the mood of the show, let us go where sheep may graze, shall we?
Rama lama ding dong.jpg
A shepherd sings "Rama Lama Ding Dong" to his shepherdess, backed up by their flock of sheep.
Statler and Waldorf Boo, boo!
A lamb joins them in their box.
Lamb Baa, baa!
Statler and Waldorf Humbug, humbug! (all laugh)


The shepherdess leads three lambs offstage.
Kermit Okay, nice flocking, guys. Uh, say, aren't there more of you?
Lamb Oh, we don't know.
Kermit Why not?
Lamb Well, every time we try to count ourselves, we fall asleep. (sheep all laugh)
Kermit Hahaha...yeah.
The sheep mosey on out as C-3PO and R2D2 approach Kermit's desk.
C-3PO Oh, Mr. Kermit, sir. May I say what an honor it is to make the acquaintance of such a distinguished...amphibian as yourself, who has given so much joy to the universe.
Kermit Oh, wow. Well, i-it's a real pleasure to meet both of you, uh, an-and incidentally, why are you fellas here?
C-3PO We are searching for Chewbacca.
Kermit Oh, Chewbacca the Wookie?
C-3PO Correct.
R2D2 (beeps)
C-3PO As R2 rightly says, he's been kidnapped.
Kermit (gasps) Kidnapped?! Well, w-why are you looking around here?
C-3PO We received this hyperspace telegram from him.
Kermit What? Uh, uh, (reading)

"To Luke Skywalker, C-3PO and R2D2,
Help, I'm being held prisoner by
a bunch of weird turkeys."

C-3PO It does rather sound like your show.
Kermit (grimacing) Yeah, it does.
Whoosh! Luke swings open the stage doors and rushes up the stairs.
Luke Remember Alderaan! I'll search upstairs. 3PO, you cover that exit!
Luke runs up the next flight of stairs.
C-3PO What shall I cover it in?!
Luke Down with the empire!
Luke kicks open the dressing room door and charges inside.
Kermit ...uh, uh, what was that?
C-3PO That was my master, Luke Skywalker. I'll try to calm him down, but you know how strangely excitable these humans are.
Kermit Yes, they're a strange race all right.
C-3PO and Kermit nod in agreement.

Muppet News Fash

Newsman And now, a Muppet News Flash. Here are the results of today's National Sheepdog Trials...all the sheepdogs have been found "not guilty."
Some sheep rush in and start butting the Newsman.


Scooter sits in a bedroom set, practicing playing "Six String Orchestra" on guitar.
Scooter I'm practicing for my big number in the second part of the show. I hope they love it.
Scooter sheep.jpg
A lamb appears at his window.
Lamb Baaa, baaa. Humbug, humbug.
Scooter ...everybody's a critic.
Lamb (bleats)


Luke, R2D2 and C-3PO enter from the stage.
Kermit Oh, hey! Did you guys find Chewbacca?
Luke Not yet, but he's gotta be around here somewhere.
Kermit Oh, well, ya' know, as long as the three of you are here, how 'bout you go out onstage and do a song for us?
Luke What? You must be joking!
R2D2 (beeping wildly)
Kermit Oh, look. Your little garbage can friend wants to.
C-3PO Oh, stop it, R2! (smacks him) Don't be so vulgar. You're not a song and dance Droid. Oh, come along. Our job is to find the Wookie.
The Droids leave.
Luke Listen, pal. We're on a mission. There's no way we're gonna be involved in any third-rate variety show.
Kermit ...second-rate variety show...
Fozzie enters the room and stops Luke from leaving.
Fozzie Hey, Kermit...hold it, hold it! You''re Mark Hamill!
Luke Who me?
Fozzie Yes! Huh?!
Luke, no, no...uh...he's my cousin! That's it! He's my cousin and he's right outside.
Fozzie Wel-oh! Go get him! Hurry, hurry! I want to see him! Run! Oh boy, oh boy.
Luke darts down the staircase and exits through the stage doors.
Fozzie I'm a big fan of his.
Mark Hamill comes through the doors into the backstage. The crowd applauds and Mark waves back.
Mark Hiya, Fozzie.
Fozzie Oh, wow! Hey, you know what? You could be the guest on this very show. Right, Kermit?
Kermit (entering) Oh, well, uh, maybe. Uh, what do you do, Mark?
Mark (imitating Kermit's voice) Oh, well, uh, you know. I've been known to do impressions. Yaaay! (waves his arms in the air)
Kermit Hm-mmm. Who do you do?
Fozzie Oh, well, I just love impressions. Ahhhh!
Mark (imitating Fozzie) Oh, I just love doin' 'em. Ahhhh!
Fozzie Terrific! Who do you do?
Mark (sighs) Maybe I'd just better sing.
Fozzie Oh, boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all move to the piano, as Mark begins to play "Be My Love" on piano.
Mark (in an exaggerated baritone)

Be my love for only you
can end this yearning...

Fozzie (cutting him off) Okay!
Kermit Uh...uh, we-well, Mark. Actually, we have enough singers on the show.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah.
Mark ...I know! How about a dancing comedian! Hit it, Fozzie!
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Mark grabs a hat and cane and does a brief dance as Fozzie plays a showtune on piano. Mark clicks his heals and turns to the crowd.
Mark Hey! Did'cha hear about the scientist who crossed a toad with a saxophone?! He got a froghorn!
Mark spins around to a cymbal crash and poses for Kermit. He puts his arms down as he realizes Kermit's unimpressed.
Mark look sorta green.
Kermit Well, uh, I don't know exactly how to put this, Mark, but, uh, what else do you do?
Mark ...I gargle Gershwin!
Kermit Mark, I know exactly how to put this...get out! Outta the theater! We don't need you! Thank you very much anyhow! And don't call us, we'll call you!
Mark scurries out of the theater through the stage doors.
Fozzie ...I didn't get his autograph.
Luke Skywalker charges back in.
Luke All right, nobody leave! (pointing his gun at Fozzie) Unless you wanna go through life as a rug!
Fozzie Ahhh!
Fozzie and Luke run in opposite directions. Mark comes back in through the doors, watching where Luke has gone.
Mark Oh, boy. Isn't that Luke Skywalker terrific?


Angus McGonagle steps onto the vacant stage.
Angus McGonagle Oh, the stage is empty! My chance at last! (to orchestra) Hit it, boys!
417 gargles.jpg
The band begins playing "Summertime" as Angus gargles the song. Mark Hamill enters behind him, shushes the audience and begins gargling along with him.
Kermit shakes his head, watching from the wings. Animal passes by behind.
Kermit Animal. Animal, sick 'em!
Animal AHHH! (growling)
Animal charges onstage and frightens the two away, then laughs to the crowd.

U.K. Spot

An eel sings "Three Little Fishies," acted out by a trio of fish, their mother and a shark.

"Six String Orchestra"

Kermit Uh, well, folks. Our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. Uh, he can't play very well, but he's worked very hard on this, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwin gargling, anything should sound good. But, anyhow, so, let's give a big welcome to Scooter singing "Six String Orchestra!" Yaaay! (exits)
In his bedroom, Scooter sings "Six String Orchestra." He receives some initial back-up from apparitions of Floyd, Janice, Animal and Zoot. They join in again as he envisions himself in concert, with a crowd of screaming fans.
Scooter Aw, someday I'm gonna be a star.


Scooter and the band pass through from the stage.
Kermit Okay, let's we have, uh...
Robin (rushing in) Uncle Kermit, Uncle Kermit!
Kermit Oh, just one second, Robin. One thing at a time. That's how I'm able to put on this show without falling into a panic. Next, we have, uh... (into intercom) Pigs in Space! Pigs in Space next, please! (to Robin) Uh, now what was it?
Robin Well, I was trying to tell ya' the Star Wars people have hijacked the Swinetrek.
Kermit (stammering in a panic) They've hijacked the...they've hijacked the Swinetrek?! (more stammering)
Kermit runs onstage and crashes into something.
Robin least he didn't panic.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
The bridge under the control of Luke and the Droids. The control panel is covered with snack debris.
Announcer The last time we saw the spaceship Swinetrek, we hoped it would be the last time. But, it's back.
Luke 3PO, activate the NaviComputer.
C-3PO pushes a button and recoils in disgust.
C-3PO Eugh. I'm not awfully keen on this spaceship, Master Luke. It's so messy. Cakes, half-eaten sandwiches...
Luke Oh, will you stop? You don't hear R2 complaining, do you?
R2D2 (beeps)
C-3PO Yes I do. He just said it's like a pigsty.
Link Hogthrob enters the bridge.
Link Hey, what's going on here?! I'm Captain Link Hogthrob and this is my spaceship!
C-3PO Hm. That explains everything.
Link Hm?
Luke Why don't you let me explain? I'm Luke Skywalker. My friends and I have just borrowed your spaceship so we can rescue our friend, Chewbacca the Wookie.
Link Hm?
The other set of doors open. First Mate Piggy is about to enter, when she notices who's on board.
Piggy Ooo, it's Luke Skywalker. Woo, one of the heavenly bodies! I'll, uh, change. Ah-hmm. (exits)
Luke Now, is there anything else you'd like to know?
Link Yes, I have one very important question I'd like to ask you!
Luke What's that?
Link Who's your tailor? I love that outfit.
Dr. Julius Strangepork enters the scene.
Strangepork Link! Link, what's happening?
Link I'll explain later. Right now, I'm talking to Luke.
Strangepork Luke?
Link Uh, now, perhaps if I give you my measurements...
Strangepork Hey, vait a minute. Vait a minute here! Hey! Who are you?
C-3PO I am C-3PO and that is R2D2.
R2D2 (beeps)
Strangepork I'm Dr. Strangepok.
C-3PO Oh my, and I thought our names were weird.
Strangepork (crossing the room) Hey. Oh boy, hot diggity dog, son of a gun! Oh boy! Oh, look at that! Hey, could I play vith your toy robot?
C-3PO He's not a toy robot! He's a scientifically-programmed droid and he's not to play with.
Strangepork Aw, come on. Let me just push one button.
C-3PO Don't be disgusting!
Strangepork pushes a button on R2D2, who shocks Strangepork into C-3PO's arms.
Strangepork Whoa!
C-3PO Well, I did warn you.
Link Now, you've got my jacket size.
Luke (writing in pad) Mm-hmm. Forty-four long.
Link Mm-hmmm.
Luke And your head size... forty-two thick.
Link Hm?
Piggy reappears, dressed as Princess Leia.
Piggy Luke! Oh! Luke! Luuuke! Luuuke! Ooh, it is I, the princess!
Luke Princess?
Piggy Yes, yes! I have just escaped from an evil fiend who held me prisoner.
Luke (chuckles) Well, the evil fiend must feed his prisoners well.
Piggy ...what?
Luke Well, uh, what I mean is, it looks like you've put on, uh...
Piggy Uh, hmm. Psst.
Luke leans his ear toward Piggy.
Piggy Look, Skywalker. Go along with this or I'll cut ya' in half.
Luke (coughs nervously) ...look, it's the princess!
Piggy Ah ha ha!
Link Huh?
C-3PO Doesn't look like the princess to me.
Piggy Watch it, Hardware.
R2D2 (beeps)
C-3PO Master Luke! We're about to make a landing. And look who's there!
A mysterious figure appears in the window of the Swinetrek. The sky turns red, revealing the fiend.
All (gasp) Oh no! Dirth Nader!
Luke and C-3PO ...who?
Announcer Stay tuned for part two, when the Swinetrek lands on Koozebane and we learn the true identity of this arch fiend.
Dirth Nader turns, revealing his Gonzo nose-shaped mask.
Gonzo (breathing heavily) The world will never know!

Muppet News Flash

Newsman Here's a bulletin from the Muppet Newsroom! The spaceship Swinetrek is about to make a soft landing on a distant planet. In other planetary news, Venus is about to make a hard landing on the Muppet Newsroom...that doesn't make sense.
The Venus de Milo statue topples over onto the desk.

Closing number

The scene opens on Koozebane.
Announcer When last we left our intrepid band, the spaceship Swinetrek was about to make a soft landing.
THUD! The cast hobble onto the planet.
Luke You call that a soft landing?!
C-3PO I sprained my cellenoids!
Link Uh, well, you were in the driver's chair! You forgot to push the stopy-thing!
Piggy ...that's called a "break," dummy.
C-3PO Excuse me, Master Luke. But, shouldn't we be looking for a safe refuge on this planet?
Luke Exactly right, 3PO.
R2D2 (beeps)
Link I know! We can hide in that cave over there!
Luke Ah, a good plan!
Dramatic sting. Dirth Nader appears at the cave entrance and laughs evilly.
Piggy It's, it's...Dirth Nader! Ohhh.
Luke This is Dirth Nader?
Link Yes, isn't he just icky?! (whimpers)
Luke Well, what do you want of us, Nader?
Dirth Nader slowly marches toward Luke.
Luke Well, why don't you say something?! Speak!
Gonzo ...who's your tailor? I love that outfit!
Luke Alright, Nader. Take this!
Piggy (gasps)
Luke whips out his blaster, but can't get it to fire.
Gonzo (laughs) At last, you know the awful truth. This here, my dear friend, is a Krypto-Anagon-Transmitter. It can totally neutralize any blaster.
R2D2 (beeps widly)
Luke This means we must resort to the ultimate weapon!
Piggy and C-3PO gasp.
Gonzo And hoitey-toitey, what, pray tell, might that be?
Luke Chewbacca the Wookie!
Luke points to behind the mountain, where Chewbacca emerges, beating his chest and growling. The crew cheers as Chewbacca apprehends Dirth Nader.
Gonzo Oh, help! Chewbacca has escaped! Woah!
Luke The jig is up! Nothing can stop good, old Chewie!
Link Hmm!
Gonzo One thing can!
Link (gasps)
Luke What's that?
Gonzo Angus McGonagle the Gargling Gargyle Gargoyle!
Angus enters, gargling "Summertime." Chewbacca covers his ears in pain.
Luke Terrible! Trapped by Dirth Nader, our weapons useless and now, we're being tortured by gargling Gershwin! Oh! What could possibly get us out of this?!
Kermit rushes in.
Kermit What else? A song and dance number!
"You Are My Lucky Star" begins to play as the skies brighten up. Two Koozebanians appear in the landscape as the Muppets begin to sing and dance. The Star Wars crew looks on in confusion and disgust, eventually leaving.

You are my lucky star
I saw you from afar
You opened heaven's portals
here on Earth, for us port mortals
You are my lucky star

Kermit Okay, that's the "song" part. Now, comes the dance! Take it, Chewie and R2!
Chewbacca and R2 dance around, as the band plays "When You Wish Upon a Star." The Koozebanians watch in delight and dance too.
Kermit C-3PO, you're next!
C-3PO I certainly don't dance.
Kermit Oh, but, this is our big ending!
C-3PO Oh, all right.
C-3PO does a brief, soft-shoe routine.
C-3PO Lucky I once saw a Fred Astaire film.
Kermit Okay, that was really wonderful! Okay, Luke, you're next.
Luke Not me, I'll go get my cousin.
Kermit Huh?
Luke leaves as Kermit and C-3PO take in unison. Mark slides onstage in a tuxedo and straw hat, singing "When You Wish Upon a Star."

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
The sweet fulfillment of their secret longing

The Muppets all cross arms in a line. As everyone sings the finale, Cinderella's castle rises in the background and fireworks go off.

When you wish upon a star
Makes no different who you are
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true! (all bow)


Kermit enters on the Koozebane set.
Kermit Okay, well, it's been a wonderful show, ladies and gentlemen. But, before we go, let us bring out the stars of Star Wars, and here they are, Chewbacca the Wookiee!
Chewbacca comes and takes a bow.
Kermit And R2D2!
R2D2 rolls out and whirls around.
Kermit C-3PO, ladies and gentlemen!
C-3PO comes and bows.
Kermit And of course, Luke Skywalker! Whoo!
Luke comes out and nods to the audience.
Luke Thank you, Kermit. But, uh, don't you think we oughta introduce my cousin?
Kermit Uh, sure. Uh, you want to, uh, uh, uh, go out and, uh, send him in?
Luke That won't be necessary. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Hamill.
Luke steps aside and Mark comes onstage, nodding to the applauding crowd.
Luke Thanks for having us, Kermit.
Mark That goes double.
Kermit certainly does.
Mark Say, Luke. Who's your tailor? I love that outfit!
Luke rolls his eyes and leaves.
Kermit Uh, uh. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess that, uh, wraps it up. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The cast gathers around Mark as the closing theme plays.
Waldorf You think there's life in outer space?
Statler There's certainly none in this theater! (both laugh)