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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 418: Christopher Reeve.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter Christopher Reeve? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Christopher.
Chris Oh, thanks a lot, Scooter. Hey listen, can you tell me what these rats are doing in my dressing room?
Scooter I think it's the fox trot.
Chris Gee, most starts get groupies. I get rats. (grins)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Christopher Reeve! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler You know, if this show was an airplane, it would have been grounded. (laughs with Waldorf)
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, he becomes surrounded by rats.
Gonzo Aw, rats.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, dressed in a robe.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And do we have a show for you! Well, as a matter of fact, we do. (nods) Yes, and our guest star tonight is none other than that fantastic film star, the man who plays Superman, Mr. Christopher Reeve! (audience aahs) Yes. But, right now it's opening number time, and the opening number happens to star me — which is why I'm dressed this way. So, uh, what can I say but, uh, let's hear it for me, yaay!
On a set dressed as a swamp, Kermit, dressed in a leisure suit, joins some frogs and an alligator singing "Disco Frog". Kermit hops among the lily pads in full-body shots with the help of puppeteers dressed in black.
Waldorf I liked that tune, how about you?
Statler I like New York in June, how about you?
Both (humming "How About You")


Kermit and the frogs come backstage, where there is a telephone booth.
Kermit Okay, way to go, frogs. Nice going, alligators, and not bad, me. (looks over the rundown) Nope, not too terrifically terrible.
Piggy enters through the stage door.
Miss Piggy I'm back. I'm back, everyone. Oh, Kermie. Kermie? Oh, I'm back.
Kermit Hey Piggy, where have you been? 'Cause the show has already started.
Miss Piggy Oh, Kermie. Well, I-I just stepped out to pick up a costume for my number tonight.
Kermit Oh yeah. Well, what's so special about this number?
Miss Piggy Oh, well Kermie — I am singing "Never Before".
Kermit Oh. Oh yeah, mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy Remember? In The Muppet Movie? I sang it to vous.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy It was so romantic. In the moonlight. Oh, Kermie. (embraces him) Remember? Remember? Oh. We snuggled together.
Kermit Mm-hmm. Ah. Uh, Piggy, you'll get to sing the song again right after the guest star spot.
Miss Piggy Oh, good. Well, who's the guest star?
Kermit Uh, Christopher Reeve.
She drops Kermit to the floor, then picks him up.
Miss Piggy Christopher Reeve? Christopher "Perfect Body" Reeve?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
She throws Kermit to the wall and runs off.
Miss Piggy Oh! Chrissy! Chrissy, I'm coming!
Kermit Uh, gee. She never called me "Perfect Body".

Scene from Hamlet

Main stage. Gonzo peeks from behind the curtain, with a bandaged nose.
Gonzo Kermit! Where's Kermit? Kermit!
Kermit Gonzo?! You're supposed to be doing the first act of William Shakespeare's Hamlet while hanging from your nose!
Gonzo I can't go on.
Kermit Why not?
Gonzo I sprained my nose.
Kermit Well, how did that happen?
Gonzo Rehearsing with heavy shoes.
Kermit But, uh, listen, we — we rented the scenery and the costumes and everything. Scooter!
Scooter Yeah, boss?
Kermit Do we have anybody else backstage that can play Hamlet?
Scooter Well, there's Chris Reeve. He's real good. And he's not busy until Vet's Hospital.
Kermit Good thought. Just stall for me, would you?
Scooter Stall?
Kermit Chris?
Kermit runs backstage and encounters Chris reading a comic book with the rats.
Kermit Oh, it's Christopher Reeve! Yeah!
Chris Hey, Kermit.
Kermit Uh, listen. Are you doing anything special right now, Chris?
Chris No, I'm just hanging around the phone booth in case trouble breaks out.
Kermit Uh, heh-heh, yeah. Well listen, it just did. And I was wondering if you'd like to fill in for Gonzo's Hamlet spot.
Chris Hamlet?
Kermit Mm-hmm. Wouldn't you like to play Hamlet?
Chris No.
Kermit But, every actor wants to play Hamlet.
Chris No, not really.
Kermit Well, this is your big chance then!
Chris Okay!
Kermit Yeah, but you'll have to wear tights.
Chris Hm. (aside) Well, it won't be the first time. Okay. (stands in front of the phone booth) Oh. Maybe I should change. (wink)
He enters the phone booth, ducks down, and re-emerges dressed in Shakespearean garb.
Chris I am ready. You may introduce me, my good frog.
Kermit (stammers) Uh, yes sir. Right.
Kermit runs back onstage.
Kermit Okay, thank you very much, Scooter. (shoves him away)
Scooter You're welcome.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, the soliloquy from Hamlet. And filling in for the ailing Great Gonzo, here is the equally great — if not better or possibly only a little worse than — Mr. Christopher Reeve, yaaay!
The curtain opens on a castle. Chris emerges to a fanfare. Fozzie sits inside with a reference book.
Chris To be, or not to be. That is the... um...
Fozzie "Question".
Chris Not now.
Fozzie No, no, no, that's your line.
Chris I know. Ahem. To be or not to be — that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…
He mimics removing an arrow from his chest. Beauregard enters with a skull.
Beauregard Excuse me, Mr. Hamlet. Do you want this now?
Chris Upon what grounds do you disturb my soliloquy?
Beauregard Well, it's time for my coffee break.
Chris Coffee grounds? Argh!
Beauregard Please don't be mad, Mr. Hamlet.
Chris I'm not mad. I'm acting. Let me see. (takes skull) Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Fozzie Uh, terrific.
Chris A fellow of infinite jest. Ha! And most excellent fancy. (sets down the skull)
Yorick Fancy? Ma always said I was the plain one.
Chris And, ahem, he hath borne me on his back a thousand times.
Yorick Well, if you ask me, I'm still carrying the whole scene. Why don't you guys sing?
Chris Hamlet doesn't sing.
Link Hey, I can sing.
Chris You're not Hamlet.
Link Oh, no. Well, listen. Hamlet was my nickname back when I was a little porker. (laughs)
Yorick Listen, I don't usually perform with amateurs.
Chris Amateurs, eh? Ha! I'll show you.
He takes the skull and tosses it through a basket.
Link Oh, good shot!
Fozzie picks up the skull.
Fozzie Wow! Hey, that's Hamlet: 2, audience: nothing. Hey guys, I really don't think we're ready for Shakespeare.
Yorick Yeah well, he's not ready for you either.
Link (laughs)
Fozzie Song cue!
Chris / Link / Yorick You're welcome!
They all proceed with a rendition of "Brush Up Your Shakespeare".
Waldorf You know, I'll always regret that I didn't study Shakespeare when I was a kid.
Statler When you were a kid, you could have talked to Shakespeare. (cracks up)

Dressing room

Kermit Oh, let's see. I'd better tell Piggy that her Vet's Hospital sketch is coming up next. Oh, her door is ajar.
Piggy Oh, Christopher. You great, big, beautiful hunk, you. Foo-Foo, do you have mumsie's autographed picture of Chrissy? Come, bring to mumsie. C'mon Foo-foo-kins. Yes, that's a good dog. Come to mumsie. Oh. Give to mumsie. Oh, what a goodums, doggie.
Kermit I don't believe this.
Piggy Mwah! Let's see now, where can we put his picture? Um, there's no place. Ha, what a clever little Foo-Foo. Oh, Christopher. Oh, you beautiful brute.
Kermit Gee. She never called me a beautiful brute.

Muppet Newsflash

The Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash. Police announced today that a killer lamb had escaped from the Department of Agriculture's maximum security sheep station. This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep that has been bred to hunt wolves and is extremely dangerous.
Sheep Baa-aa.
Newsman Uh, this killer lamb has been trained to attack at the sound of a bell.
phone rings
Sheep Baa-aa-aa!
Newsman Hello?
Sheep Baa-aa-aa!
Newsman Aaaah!

Veterinarian's Hospital

The Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf Hey, wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be the patient.
Piggy Today you're getting a dose of your own medicine.
Rowlf Yeah, but my medicine tastes bad.
Janice Well, bad taste never bothered you before.
Rowlf Okay, okay. Who's going to be the doctor?
Piggy Dr. Reeve! Oh, Chrissy! Chrissy.
Chris Sorry I'm late, nurse. My caddy collapsed on the seventeenth hole.
Rowlf Hey, listen. What kind of doctor are you anyway?
Chris I'm a G.P.
Piggy Yes, a Gorgeous Person.
Chris Please, Nurse Piggy, stop panting. You're fogging my mirror.
Piggy I can't help it. I love you!
Chris Thank you. Let's see now. Oh, looks bad. I'm going to operate.
Rowlf Oh, no, no.
Chris Oh, come now. This won't hurt a bit.
Rowlf It'll hurt this bit if you don't get laughs with it.
Chris Well, I'm not trying to get laughs. I don't want to set a precedent on the show.
Rowlf Touché, touché.
Chris Now, just relax. I'll have you fixed in no time.
Rowlf Please! Never say "fixed" to a dog.
Chris Well, anyway. You won't feel any pain. I'm going to put you to sleep.
Rowlf No, never say "put to sleep" to a dog.
Piggy This has gone far enough. Chrissy, let's go to the nurse's lounge and...
Chris Yes?
Piggy Lounge!
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Reeve say...
Chris Wait a minute, I'm not going to be here next week.
Piggy You mean you're leaving?
Chris Faster than a speeding bullet.
Piggy/Janice/Rowlf Oooooh!

UK spot

Sam the Eagle Ugh, this show is disgusting. Get away. Get away. I'm going to write to someone important and put a stop to it.
Floyd Pepper scatting... tune... croon... they call it "Sam's Song".
Sam Dear sir, this show is sick and weird.
Floyd Catchy as can be, the melody, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam That is not my song. I do not have a song.
Floyd/Janice Nothing on your mind, and then you find, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam There are— get off the table! There are rats here.
Floyd/Janice While it makes you grin, gets under your skin, as only a song can do. People that you meet, out on the street, are whistling Sam's Song.
Sam Don't whistle! Oh no.
Floyd/Janice Everyone you see, will seem to be, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam There is a thing whistling here.
Floyd/Janice/Bo So forget your trouble and wear a smile, you'll find you'll never go wrong.
Sam I would suggest to have someone come and fumigate...
Floyd/Janice/Bo ...a happy tune, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam There's a lump playing harmonica. Get away! There are vermin here.
Floyd/Janice/Bo So forget your troubles and wear a smile, you'll find you'll never go wrong. If you learn to croon a happy tune, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam Alright, out, out, out! Get out, all of you!
Sam humming "Sam's Song"
Kermit Hey, Sam. That's a nice song. What is that.
Sam Oh. I don't know. Something called "Fred's Song".
Kermit Hmm. That's very pretty.
Sam No, it's not.

Dressing room

Chris Okay, let's see now. Did that one. And... Oh, hey this is going to be good.
Piggy Oh, Christopher. May I have a word avec vous?
Chris Mais oui, bien ci, entrere.
Piggy What?
Chris Come in.
Piggy Oh, thanks.
Chris Listen guys, I'll see you later, okay? Thanks a lot. Bye!
Piggy Yucka. Move it! Oh, Christopher!
Chris Hi, Miss Piggy.
Piggy Yes, you were wonderful in that last sketch.
Chris Aw, c'mon.
Piggy Tell me, how did you get a job as Superman? Did someone see you lifting weights, or— wha-haa-haa!
Chris Huh? Lifting weights? No, no, no. I just auditioned for the part. You know, like a lot of other actors.
Piggy Uh-huh.
Chirs But, uh, you know, strength really had nothing to do with it.
Piggy You're certain about that? Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Chris I didn't bring it.
Piggy Oh. Pity. Oh, how exciting it is to be in the same dressing room with the world's strongest man.
Chris Miss Piggy, come on now, I mean, I tell ya, being strong had nothing to do with getting the part. I mean, I've just been lucky so far. Well, knock on wood. Whoops. Heh.
Piggy Christopher?
Chris Yeah.
Piggy Remember in the movie when you held Lois Lane?
Chris Mm-hmm.
Piggy Could you use my body as a visual demonstration?
Chris Well, I just put my arm around her.
Piggy Show me. Yes.
Chris Yeah.
Piggy And the other arm, where?
Chris Yeah, the other arm, too.
Piggy And you held her tighter...
Chris Well, I had to. Because otherwise she'd fall, right?
Piggy Tighter.
Chris Yeah. Sort of like that.
Piggy Tighter.
Kermit Uh, uh, excuse me, Chris.
Chris Hi, Kermit.
Piggy Oh, Kermie! Um. Um. Christopher here was showing me how to... he was... what were you doing?
Chris Well, I was just showing her how I held Lois Lane in the movie.
Piggy In the movie. Lois Lane. Yes. Mm-hmm.
Kermit That's the worst explanation I've ever heard.
Chris Boy. He looked kind of jealous.
Piggy Oh, he always looks jealous. That's his natural color.


"The Toreador Song"

Muppet Labs

Bunsen Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. Well, my assistant Beaker is bringing in Old Bossie here because today we're going to test Muppets Labs' latest invention: the electrically heated milking machine. Yes, cows just love sliding into a warm, cozy milking machine on these frosty mornings, don't they Beaker? Oh, Beakie-poo, that's not funny! You'll get dandruff in the milk. Why, Beaker. You're hauntingly attractive today.

Piggy's duet

Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Miss Piggy to sing "Never Before and Never Again", a song that means a lot to the two of us. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy, yaaay!
Piggy Never before....
Rowlf Ow!
Piggy Oh, Rowlfie, I hope I did not hurt your pawsie-wawsies.
Rowlf Argh.
Kermit Piggy, what happened to Rowlf?
Piggy Well, I do not know. Someone must have blown a doggie whistle.
Kermit Well, well, what do we do about a pianist?
Piggy Um, do you think possibly Christopher could play piano for me?
Kermit Why not? He does everything else. Oh, Chris?
Chris Now what?
Kermit Uh, Piggy wants you to play piano for her.
Chris Play the piano for her? What do you think, guys? Play the piano? Yeah? Yeah? Okay. I'm game for anything. Boy, I'll tell you something, this is quite a phone booth. How about that, huh?
Kermit Nice. Nice.
Chris Okay. Oh, listen. If anybody calls while I'm out, take a number, I'll call back. Super Rat? You're in charge.
Kermit Super Rat?
Piggy Oooh! Oh, oh, oh, um, ladies and gentlemen, to accompany moi on the piano — ready, Chrissy? — ahem, Mr. Christopher Reeve!
Chris Thank you, Miss Piggy. What are we doing, um, "Never Before, Never Again"?
Piggy Uh, no. I have an especiale song for us.
Chris Uh, "East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)".
Piggy Mm-hmm.
Chris I don't think I know this one.
Piggy Just, uh, play, perfect body.
Chris I'll try.
Piggy That my note? Ah, thank you.
"East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)"
Piggy Oh, Chrissy. Please, sweep me up and fly me over the towers of Metropolis, please?
Chris Now?
Piggy Yes, yes, now, please?
Chris Oh, okay Miss Piggy, but just a short trip, alright?
Piggy I'm ready. Away!
Chris Heh.
Piggy Away!
Chris Gee, I'm sorry Miss Piggy, I don't think I can manage. Maybe if you gained a few pounds.
Piggy Just shut up and sing, Reeve.
"East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)"


Kermit Okay, well we've done the beginning and the middle, so say hello to the end. Uh, and it's been wonderful, especially since our guest star has been Mr. Christopher Reeve, yaaay!
Chris Gee, thanks a lot, Kermit. Boy I'll tell ya, you guys are crazy, but I had a great time.
Kermit Oh, good. Well, listen. Uh, tell me the truth, Chris.
Chris Yeah.
Kermit You really could have lifted Miss Piggy if you tried, couldn't you?
Chris Are you kidding? Usually I have to lift locomotives and some of them are even heavier than she is.
Kermit Ohh!
Piggy I heard that Reeve, hi-ya!
Kermit He really is the Man of Steel! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Waldorf Well, this has been an evening to remember.
Statler Why?
Waldorf I forgot.