The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 419: Lynda Carter.
Cold open[]
The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and opens it. | |
Scooter | Lynda Carter? Lynda Carter? |
Lynda | I know, I know, Scoots. It's twenty seconds to curtain. |
Scooter | You can read my mind! |
Lynda | I'm not reading your mind, I'm reading my script. |
Lynda reads from her script, running her finger along the page line by line. | |
Scooter | Huh? Wha? Oh, no, no. |
Both | Kermit wouldn't allow a script on this show, everything we say on here is ad-libbed! |
Lynda laughs as Scooter frantically looks back and forth at her and the script. |
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lynda Carter! Yaaaay! |
The curtain opens and the theme begins. | |
Statler and Waldorf bob along to the music. | |
Statler | Don't start! |
Waldorf | We haven't left yet! |
They chuckle. | |
Gonzo plays and pulls out his trumpet, with his teeth stuck to the mouthpiece. | |
Gonzo | The embarrassment! |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, hello there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a fantastic show for you tonight. Because our very special guest is that lovely star of television's Wonder Woman, Miss Lynda Carter! (audience oohs and aahs) Yes! But, right now, let's get the show started w— |
Miss Piggy enters the stage. | |
Piggy | (interrupting) Kermit, Kermit, excuse moi. Kermie, uh, you forgot to mention the sketch I am in. |
Kermit | Well, I, I didn't forget, I just didn't think it was important. |
Piggy | (pause, laughs) You didn't? |
Kermit | Important, but not that important. |
Piggy | A-ha, a-ha, mm-hmm. |
Kermit | I mean, it's not like it was a matter of life and death. |
Piggy | (towers over Kermit) You're sure about that? |
Kermit | Uh, ladies and gentlemen, later on in the show, our own Miss Piggy here will be portraying a brand new character, Wonder Pig. |
Lynda standing in the wings, with Beauregard peaking behind the spotlights, glances at the camera. | |
Lynda | Wonder Pig? |
Piggy | Thank you, Kermie. |
Kermit | Uh, you're welcome. |
Piggy | Isn't it great to be alive? (leaves) |
Kermit | Uh, uh, which reminds me of our opening number, ladies and gentlemen, how long has it been since you've watched a good old fashioned human sacrifice? Too long, you say? Well, watch this. |
In a candle-lit temple, a group of pagan pigs begin their sacred ritual, with Janice as their lamb. Tied and set on a fiery grill, she taps out a beat which catches the attention of the Sacrificial Idol, who uses his many arms to add musical accompaniment. | |
Janice starts to sing "With a Little Help from My Friends." While the pigs provide backup vocals, Dr. Teeth, Floyd and Zoot sneak in to set Janice free. Animal is seen accompanying a pagan pig on drums. | |
Sacrificial Idol | I think I just lost my lunch! |
After the number ends, two lobsters are seen in the box munching on popcorn. | |
Statler | You think the lobsters would share some of their popcorn with us? |
Waldorf | No chance, they're too shellfish! |
Statler | (laughs, to the lobsters) You're too shellfish. |
Backstage[]
The pagan pigs exit from the stage. Sam the Eagle stands nearby and facepalms in disgust. | |
Kermit | Okay, way to go Pagans, nicely worshiped. |
Scooter enters holding a package, excited. | |
Scooter | It's here, it's here! My correspondence course! |
Kermit | Your correspondence course? |
Scooter | "How to Be a Superhero." (Kermit whimpers) Yeah, it comes complete with a helmet, a cape, a red shirt, and an instruction book called, "Invincibility Made Easy." |
Kermit | I don't believe that. |
Scooter | I'm doing it 'cause Wonder Woman's on our show. |
Kermit | No, no, no. Lynda Carter is on our show. She's not gonna play Wonder Woman tonight. |
Scooter | Well, that's just as well. There'll be plenty of superheroes around. |
Kermit | What do you mean, plenty? |
Scooter | Well, everybody's taking the course. |
As Scooter leaves, Fozzie enters, wearing a cheap superhero costume and reading his copy of the manual. | |
Fozzie | Uh, let's see. Lesson two. Deflecting bullets with the magic gold bracelets. Oh, hi Kermit, what'ch'ya doin'? |
Kermit | Oh, just noticing that this season has produced a bumper crop of nuts. (leaves) |
Dressing room[]
"The Rubberband Man"[]
Lynda starts to sing "The Rubberband Man" as she leaves her dressing room. Backstage, some of the Muppets join in on the chorus while Lynda gradually makes her way to the stage. She then takes off her robe and says "Take it, Sam!" before throwing it at Sam, seen on the upstairs landing. Kermit enters the main stage... | |
Kermit | And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, The Rubber Band Men! |
The curtains open to reveal an abstract, brightly-colored set populated by four Bossmen-like creatures who strum their bodies like rubber bands. Three other stretchy creatures with large lips supply backup vocals. Lynda enters the stage and continues to sing. | |
Waldorf | Mmm. What'd you think of Lynda? |
Statler | Terrific! |
Waldorf | Yeah. How about that rubber band? |
Statler | Well, make 'em into a tire and drive 'em to Pittsburgh! |
They both laugh. |
Backstage[]
Kermit compliments Lynda as she heads back to her dressing room. Several of the Muppets are now dressed in superhero costumes. They stop to notice Lynda before going back to reading over their manuals. | |
Kermit | Okay, hey that was wonderful Lynda! |
Lynda | Thank you very much. |
Kermit | (noticing Fozzie) Oh, look at this. The apprentice superheroes are still at it. Boy, this "Invincibility Made Easy" is some kind of crazy book. |
Scooter | Chapter four. Vanishing. To vanish, it requires several minutes of hard work to achieve. |
Gonzo | Shazam! |
Link Hogthrob | Bending steel bars is simple if you have a pure heart and clean thoughts. |
Fozzie | Uh, let's see. Swinging from building to building on a rope should be practiced, uh, perhaps by starting swinging across the room. (looks around, notices something) Aah, right! |
Kermit | Then, of course, there's Lew Zealand. He's practicing x-ray vision. |
Lew | Pick a closed door. Yeah. Uh, stare at it for several seconds, and suddenly the door will seem to vanish and you'll see inside the room. Oh, gotcha. |
Lew proceeds to stare at a dressing room door. | |
The other Muppets look on as Fozzie is heard screaming. He appears swinging on a rope from across the room and breaks down the aforementioned door. | |
Lew | I can see the room! I have x-ray vision! |
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman | Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline, Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than five thousand years old in the Nile Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god Rezal-evad-gib — that's Rezal-evad-gib — would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud. That's a ridiculous story, I don't kno— (screams) |
A large crocodile appears from behind the desk and eats the Newsman. |
Dressing room[]
"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"[]
In a nighttime city setting, Floyd performs "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" on his guitar, seated on a fire escape staircase. Silhouetted Muppets are shown doing various tasks in the lit windows of two nearby apartment buildings. Floyd ends with a soft guitar solo. | |
Floyd | Oh, there there, baby. Now, don't cry. Yeah, Floyd's gonna take care of you. Mmmm. |
UK spot[]
Backstage, Kermit reviews items on his desk, while Sam is seen behind him writing on a clipboard. Gaffer passes by and meows. | |
Sam | Disgusting. Get away. |
Kermit | Sam? Hey, Sam. |
Sam | What? |
Kermit | What are you doing? |
Sam | I am censoring this show. |
Kermit | Well, what are you writing down there? |
Sam | Already, I have fourteen disgusting items that have occurred on this show. |
Kermit | Well, like what? |
Sam | Well, first of all, there's one here... a possible romantic liaison between a frog and a pig. |
Kermit | Well, I guess I'm not very happy about that one myself. But, but what do you do with this? |
Sam | I send it to a very important person. |
Kermit | Who? |
Sam | None of your business. |
A chicken passes by, bawking, followed soon after by a penguin. | |
Sam | That's what I mean. Look at that. What is that? That was a chicken? |
Kermit | That's a chicken. |
Sam | And a penguin. And whoa, stop! (grabs hold of a well-clad rat) What is this, what-what-what is this? |
Kermit | Well, uh, that's a rat. |
Sam | A rat. What is a rat doing in the legitimate theatre? |
Kermit | Well, uh, I, I send him out to, uh, buy me a chocolate milkshake, actually. |
Sam drops the rat. | |
Sam | You let a rat touch your food? |
Kermit | Well, sure Sam. That's the kind of place it is. You know, the, uh, the chickens dance, the, uh, pig sings, and the, uh, rat goes out and gets me some food. |
Sam | Alright, alright, alright, alright! That's it! I want this rat out of the theatre— Wait, I'll do it. Rat! Rat! I'm talking to you. I'm making a citizen's rat arrest. Out! |
The rat exits, stage right. | |
Kermit | Yeah, but. Sam... |
Sam | All it needed was a command decision. |
Kermit | But, but, Sam, you can't just send those rats out. I mean, they perform a very useful function. They gather all the trash and garbage around the theatre and take it out in the alley and dump it. |
Sam | (not listening) Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. |
Rizzo | (offscreen) Okay guys, do it! |
Sam is carried off by a group of rats. | |
Sam | What? Wha—whoa! Wait, wait! Wait, whoa! Put me down! |
Kermit | Listen, be gentle with him! Hey, bring back the clipboard! |
Wonder Pig[]
A fanfare sounds as Kermit enters the stage. | |
Kermit | Now, there's been a lot of talk about superheroes on tonight's show. So, here is a story of sheer terror. When civilization is threatened by one of the most frightening creatures ever to roam the Earth. Who can save us? Ladies and gentlemen, our own Miss Piggy, starring as Wonder Pig. |
In the wings, Lynda looks at the camera as Super Rat (Rizzo) shakes his head. | |
Lynda | (laughing) Wonder Pig? |
Kermit | A word of caution. There are scenes in this story which may not be suitable for adults. |
At a Southern ranch, a couple, played by Piggy and Link Hogthrob, try to break a bedridden Annie Sue from a trance-like state. | |
Piggy | Oh. Oh, dear, dear. Oh, oh, wake up. Wake up! It is I, your beautiful sister. Oh. |
Knocks on the door are heard. | |
Piggy and Link | Come in. |
The doctor enters. Dr. Strangepork, that is. | |
Link | Oh, doctor. At last you've come. |
Strangepork | Yes, what seems to be the problem? |
Piggy | Oh! Doctor, doctor. My husband and I... |
Link | Yes, dear. |
Piggy | We, we came home and found my sister in a trance-like state. And, and all she does is make strange sounds like, like... |
Annie Sue | (clucking noises, then faints) |
Strangepork | It's almost as if she's in a state of shock. As if she'd been frightened, by a chicken. |
Link | A chicken? |
Unbeknownst to the pigs, a gigantic live chicken flies into view outside the window. | |
Strangepork | But, that's ridiculous. |
Piggy | How can that be? |
Strangepork | Well, I don't know. Do you keep any chickens on the ranch? |
Link notices the giant chicken and starts panicking. | |
Piggy | No, I don't. Well, my husband and I have no chickens. |
Strangepork | Has she had any cacciatore? |
Link | (clucking noises) |
Strangepork | He has it, too! |
Piggy | Oh, no! Husband! |
Strangepork | I don't know if it's contagious, or if it's something he sa— (notices the chicken) |
Piggy | Oh, no. What is it, husband? |
Strangepork | (clucking noises) |
Piggy | Oh, no! What? Is it something you saw? |
Chaos ensues as the house begins to shake. | |
Piggy | Oh, no. An earthquake! Oh, no! Oh, oh! |
The chicken is shown pecking at the roof of the ranch. | |
Piggy | Oh, what is this dreaded, terrible thing? |
The chicken comes into view again. Everyone but Piggy faints. Piggy finally catches sight of the chicken. | |
Piggy | (screams) Holy guacamole! This is a job for Wonder Pig! |
Piggy spins around and transforms into Wonder Pig. She then grows in size and breaks through the roof, displacing the chicken. | |
Piggy | Beat it, ya dumb cluck! Eat your heart out, Lynda Carter. |
Lynda and Super Rat applaud from the wings. | |
Lynda | Bravo! |
Statler | How come chickens are getting so big on this show? |
Waldorf | Well, chickens thrive on corn. |
They laugh and start clucking. |
Backstage[]
"The Whiffenpoof Song"[]
Kermit | Okay, well, that last sketch must have pleased you poultry lovers. So, here's something for the sheep fanciers! |
A flock of sheep sing "The Whiffenpoof Song" a capella, with a ram singing bass. A literal wolf in sheep's clothing pops into frame and takes them down, one by one. | |
The ram remains and when confronted by the wolf, he says in an authoritative voice... | |
Super Sheep | This looks like a job for Super Sheep! |
The ram spins around and transforms into his own superhero persona. He takes out a raygun and shoots down the wolf. | |
The other sheep regather and rejoice. |
Backstage[]
"Orange Colored Sky"[]
Kermit | Okay, here once again is our special guest star who will be joined in song and silliness by our own super goofs. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lynda Carter, yay! |
Lynda walks along a run-down city street and sings "Orange Colored Sky." As explosions and destruction follow her on cue, so do her fellow superheroes; as she is gradually joined by Scooter, Lew Zealand, Fozzie, Gonzo, Link Hogthrob and Super Rat. | |
With one last huge explosion, Lynda says over applause... | |
Lynda | That one almost got me! |