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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 419: Lynda Carter.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and opens it.
Scooter Lynda Carter? Lynda Carter?
Lynda I know, I know, Scoots. It's twenty seconds to curtain.
Scooter You can read my mind!
Lynda I'm not reading your mind, I'm reading my script.
419-1.jpg
Lynda reads from her script, running her finger along the page line by line.
Scooter Huh? Wha? Oh, no, no.
Both Kermit wouldn't allow a script on this show, everything we say on here is ad-libbed!
Lynda laughs as Scooter frantically looks back and forth at her and the script.

Theme

Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Lynda Carter! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Statler and Waldorf bob along to the music.
Statler Don't start!
Waldorf We haven't left yet!
They chuckle.
419-2.jpg
Gonzo plays and pulls out his trumpet, with his teeth stuck to the mouthpiece.
Gonzo The embarrassment!

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, hello there, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a fantastic show for you tonight. Because our very special guest is that lovely star of television's Wonder Woman, Miss Lynda Carter! (audience oohs and aahs) Yes! But, right now, let's get the show started wβ€”
Miss Piggy enters the stage.
Piggy (interrupting) Kermit, Kermit, excuse moi. Kermie, uh, you forgot to mention the sketch I am in.
Kermit Well, I, I didn't forget, I just didn't think it was important.
Piggy (pause, laughs) You didn't?
Kermit Important, but not that important.
Piggy A-ha, a-ha, mm-hmm.
Kermit I mean, it's not like it was a matter of life and death.
Piggy (towers over Kermit) You're sure about that?
419-3.jpg
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, later on in the show, our own Miss Piggy here will be portraying a brand new character, Wonder Pig.
Lynda standing in the wings, with Beauregard peaking behind the spotlights, glances at the camera.
Lynda Wonder Pig?
Piggy Thank you, Kermie.
Kermit Uh, you're welcome.
Piggy Isn't it great to be alive? (leaves)
Kermit Uh, uh, which reminds me of our opening number, ladies and gentlemen, how long has it been since you've watched a good old fashioned human sacrifice? Too long, you say? Well, watch this.
Song.paganhelp.jpg
In a candle-lit temple, a group of pagan pigs begin their sacred ritual, with Janice as their lamb. Tied and set on a fiery grill, she taps out a beat which catches the attention of the Sacrificial Idol, who uses his many arms to add musical accompaniment.
Sacrifice.jpg
Janice starts to sing "With a Little Help from My Friends." While the pigs provide backup vocals, Dr. Teeth, Floyd and Zoot sneak in to set Janice free. Animal is seen accompanying a pagan pig on drums.
Sacrificial Idol I think I just lost my lunch!
After the number ends, two lobsters are seen in the box munching on popcorn.
Statler You think the lobsters would share some of their popcorn with us?
Waldorf No chance, they're too shellfish!
Statler (laughs, to the lobsters) You're too shellfish.

Backstage

The pagan pigs exit from the stage. Sam the Eagle stands nearby and facepalms in disgust.
Kermit Okay, way to go Pagans, nicely worshiped.
Scooter enters holding a package, excited.
Scooter It's here, it's here! My correspondence course!
Kermit Your correspondence course?
Scooter "How to Be a Superhero." (Kermit whimpers) Yeah, it comes complete with a helmet, a cape, a red shirt, and an instruction book called, "Invincibility Made Easy."
419-4.jpg
Kermit I don't believe that.
Scooter I'm doing it 'cause Wonder Woman's on our show.
Kermit No, no, no. Lynda Carter is on our show. She's not gonna play Wonder Woman tonight.
Scooter Well, that's just as well. There'll be plenty of superheroes around.
Kermit What do you mean, plenty?
Scooter Well, everybody's taking the course.
As Scooter leaves, Fozzie enters, wearing a cheap superhero costume and reading his copy of the manual.
419-5.jpg
Fozzie Uh, let's see. Lesson two. Deflecting bullets with the magic gold bracelets. Oh, hi Kermit, what'ch'ya doin'?
Kermit Oh, just noticing that this season has produced a bumper crop of nuts. (leaves)

Dressing room

Lynda Sam, you know, uh, that human sacrifice number at the top of the show?
Sam Ugh, yes.
Lynda Well, is that kind of thing gonna be going on throughout this entire show?
Sam Ugh, Miss Carter, I'm afraid so.
Lynda Good, because I loved it.
Kermit (offscreen) Uh, Lynda, your number is next!
Lynda Thanks, Kermit!
419-6.jpg
Sam Congratulations.
Lynda For what?
Sam You are the next human to be sacrificed. (leaves)
Kermit (enters) Uh, uh, listen, uh, Lynda, you know about this number you're about to do...
Lynda Mm-hmm
Kermit Well, none of our band has rehearsed this number.
Lynda Oh, that's okay, I brought my own band.
Kermit "Oh?", says the frog feeling control slipping through his fingers.
Lynda Don't worry about it, Kermit. This is one terrific band.
Kermit Oh, what kind of band is it?
Lynda Oh, it's a "rubber" band.

"The Rubberband Man"

Lynda starts to sing "The Rubberband Man" as she leaves her dressing room. Backstage, some of the Muppets join in on the chorus while Lynda gradually makes her way to the stage. She then takes off her robe and says "Take it, Sam!" before throwing it at Sam, seen on the upstairs landing. Kermit enters the main stage...
Kermit And here they are, ladies and gentlemen, The Rubber Band Men!
Character.rubberbandman.jpg
The curtains open to reveal an abstract, brightly-colored set populated by four Bossmen-like creatures who strum their bodies like rubber bands. Three other stretchy creatures with large lips supply backup vocals. Lynda enters the stage and continues to sing.
419-7.jpg
Waldorf Mmm. What'd you think of Lynda?
Statler Terrific!
Waldorf Yeah. How about that rubber band?
Statler Well, make 'em into a tire and drive 'em to Pittsburgh!
They both laugh.

Backstage

Kermit compliments Lynda as she heads back to her dressing room. Several of the Muppets are now dressed in superhero costumes. They stop to notice Lynda before going back to reading over their manuals.
Kermit Okay, hey that was wonderful Lynda!
Lynda Thank you very much.
Kermit (noticing Fozzie) Oh, look at this. The apprentice superheroes are still at it. Boy, this "Invincibility Made Easy" is some kind of crazy book.
Scooter Chapter four. Vanishing. To vanish, it requires several minutes of hard work to achieve.
Gonzo Shazam!
Superlink.jpg
Link Hogthrob Bending steel bars is simple if you have a pure heart and clean thoughts.
Fozzie Uh, let's see. Swinging from building to building on a rope should be practiced, uh, perhaps by starting swinging across the room. (looks around, notices something) Aah, right!
Kermit Then, of course, there's Lew Zealand. He's practicing x-ray vision.
Superlew.jpg
Lew Pick a closed door. Yeah. Uh, stare at it for several seconds, and suddenly the door will seem to vanish and you'll see inside the room. Oh, gotcha.
Lew proceeds to stare at a dressing room door.
419-8.jpg
The other Muppets look on as Fozzie is heard screaming. He appears swinging on a rope from across the room and breaks down the aforementioned door.
Lew I can see the room! I have x-ray vision!

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet News Flash. Dateline, Egypt. Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than five thousand years old in the Nile Valley. An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god Rezal-evad-gib β€” that's Rezal-evad-gib β€” would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud. That's a ridiculous story, I don't knoβ€” (screams)
419-9.jpg
A large crocodile appears from behind the desk and eats the Newsman.

Dressing room

Someone knocks at the door.
Lynda Come in.
Beauregard Oh, Wonder Lynda, I have to warn you about something!
Lynda Oh, hi there Beau, how are you?
Beauregard No, no time for the nicey-nicies. Aah, something terrible just happened to The Newsman downstairs.
Lynda You're kidding, what?
Beauregard Well, they sent me up here to tell you not to say this very dangerous word.
Lynda Oh, okay. What's the word?
Beauregard Well, it's uh... Oh, no. I forgot it! But, whatever you do, don't say it.
Lynda Now, how can I not say a word if you don't know what it is and you can't remember it, huh? I mean, it could be anything. It could be pencil.
Beauregard (gasps, then looks around) Nope, I guess that wasn't it.
Lynda Well, it could be, uh, shoehorn. Hairbrush. Powderpuff. Just about anything. I meanβ€”
Beauregard Be careful! Stop it! You might say it by accident!
Lynda Oh. Okay, now listen, Beau.
Beauregard Yes?
Lynda Why don't you try to remember. Try very, very, very hard, okay?
Beauregard You mean, think?
Lynda Yβ€” think, right.
Beauregard Oh, that's hard. Okay.
Lynda Okay. C'mon.
Beauregard (struggling) It's no use. It's right on the tip of my tongue.
Lynda It is. Right on the tip of your tongue. It says...
Beauregard (mouth open) Yeah!
Lynda Wait, wait. Hold still. (holds Beau's mouth) "Re. Zal. E. Vaβ€”"
Beauregard covers his mouth. Suddenly, the Newsman rushes in.
419-10.jpg
Newsman I bet you thought they were gonna say Rezal-evad-gib, didn't you?
Beauregard Oh no!
Newsman Well, after what I went through, I'd have to beβ€”
Rezalevadgib.jpg
The Newsman gets snatched up again. Lynda and Beau look down to see the crocodile swallowing him up.
Beauregard Yuck.
Lynda Blech.
Beauregard That could have been you.

"While My Guitar Gently Weeps"

Song.guitarweeps.jpg
In a nighttime city setting, Floyd performs "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" on his guitar, seated on a fire escape staircase. Silhouetted Muppets are shown doing various tasks in the lit windows of two nearby apartment buildings. Floyd ends with a soft guitar solo.
Floyd Oh, there there, baby. Now, don't cry. Yeah, Floyd's gonna take care of you. Mmmm.
419-11.jpg

UK spot

Backstage, Kermit reviews items on his desk, while Sam is seen behind him writing on a clipboard. Gaffer passes by and meows.
Sam Disgusting. Get away.
Kermit Sam? Hey, Sam.
Sam What?
Kermit What are you doing?
Sam I am censoring this show.
Kermit Well, what are you writing down there?
Sam Already, I have fourteen disgusting items that have occurred on this show.
Kermit Well, like what?
Sam Well, first of all, there's one here... a possible romantic liaison between a frog and a pig.
Kermit Well, I guess I'm not very happy about that one myself. But, but what do you do with this?
Sam I send it to a very important person.
Kermit Who?
Sam None of your business.
A chicken passes by, bawking, followed soon after by a penguin.
Sam That's what I mean. Look at that. What is that? That was a chicken?
Kermit That's a chicken.
Sam And a penguin. And whoa, stop! (grabs hold of a well-clad rat) What is this, what-what-what is this?
Kermit Well, uh, that's a rat.
419-12.jpg
Sam A rat. What is a rat doing in the legitimate theatre?
Kermit Well, uh, I, I send him out to, uh, buy me a chocolate milkshake, actually.
Sam drops the rat.
Sam You let a rat touch your food?
Kermit Well, sure Sam. That's the kind of place it is. You know, the, uh, the chickens dance, the, uh, pig sings, and the, uh, rat goes out and gets me some food.
Sam Alright, alright, alright, alright! That's it! I want this rat out of the theatreβ€” Wait, I'll do it. Rat! Rat! I'm talking to you. I'm making a citizen's rat arrest. Out!
The rat exits, stage right.
Kermit Yeah, but. Sam...
Sam All it needed was a command decision.
Kermit But, but, Sam, you can't just send those rats out. I mean, they perform a very useful function. They gather all the trash and garbage around the theatre and take it out in the alley and dump it.
Sam (not listening) Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Rizzo (offscreen) Okay guys, do it!
Sam is carried off by a group of rats.
Sam What? Whaβ€”whoa! Wait, wait! Wait, whoa! Put me down!
Kermit Listen, be gentle with him! Hey, bring back the clipboard!

Wonder Pig

A fanfare sounds as Kermit enters the stage.
Kermit Now, there's been a lot of talk about superheroes on tonight's show. So, here is a story of sheer terror. When civilization is threatened by one of the most frightening creatures ever to roam the Earth. Who can save us? Ladies and gentlemen, our own Miss Piggy, starring as Wonder Pig.
In the wings, Lynda looks at the camera as Super Rat (Rizzo) shakes his head.
Lynda (laughing) Wonder Pig?
Kermit A word of caution. There are scenes in this story which may not be suitable for adults.
At a Southern ranch, a couple, played by Piggy and Link Hogthrob, try to break a bedridden Annie Sue from a trance-like state.
Piggy Oh. Oh, dear, dear. Oh, oh, wake up. Wake up! It is I, your beautiful sister. Oh.
Knocks on the door are heard.
Piggy and Link Come in.
The doctor enters. Dr. Strangepork, that is.
Link Oh, doctor. At last you've come.
Strangepork Yes, what seems to be the problem?
Piggy Oh! Doctor, doctor. My husband and I...
Link Yes, dear.
Piggy We, we came home and found my sister in a trance-like state. And, and all she does is make strange sounds like, like...
Annie Sue (clucking noises, then faints)
Strangepork It's almost as if she's in a state of shock. As if she'd been frightened, by a chicken.
Link A chicken?
Unbeknownst to the pigs, a gigantic live chicken flies into view outside the window.
Strangepork But, that's ridiculous.
Piggy How can that be?
Strangepork Well, I don't know. Do you keep any chickens on the ranch?
Link notices the giant chicken and starts panicking.
Piggy No, I don't. Well, my husband and I have no chickens.
Strangepork Has she had any cacciatore?
Link (clucking noises)
Strangepork He has it, too!
Piggy Oh, no! Husband!
Strangepork I don't know if it's contagious, or if it's something he saβ€” (notices the chicken)
Piggy Oh, no. What is it, husband?
Strangepork (clucking noises)
Piggy Oh, no! What? Is it something you saw?
Chaos ensues as the house begins to shake.
Piggy Oh, no. An earthquake! Oh, no! Oh, oh!
The chicken is shown pecking at the roof of the ranch.
419-13.jpg
Piggy Oh, what is this dreaded, terrible thing?
The chicken comes into view again. Everyone but Piggy faints. Piggy finally catches sight of the chicken.
Piggy (screams) Holy guacamole! This is a job for Wonder Pig!
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Piggy spins around and transforms into Wonder Pig. She then grows in size and breaks through the roof, displacing the chicken.
Piggy Beat it, ya dumb cluck! Eat your heart out, Lynda Carter.
Lynda and Super Rat applaud from the wings.
Lynda Bravo!
Statler How come chickens are getting so big on this show?
Waldorf Well, chickens thrive on corn.
They laugh and start clucking.

Backstage

Piggy directs the large live chicken offstage.
Piggy Shoo, shoo, shoo! Go on, go on. Shoo, shoo, shoo!
Onlookers Gonzo, Scooter, and Lew cheer.
Scooter All right, yay!
Piggy Yes. That's the way it's done, boys. Heh-heh. Oh, Lynda!
Lynda Miss Piggy! Hi, I just want you to know that you look absolutely wonderful in that costume.
419-15.jpg
Piggy Ah-ha, merci. Hah-hah. Aren't you sorry that, uh, you didn't bring your suit?
Lynda Well, uh... no.
Piggy frowns as Kermit rushes in to call into the intercom by his desk.
Kermit Okay, next number. The next number is next!
Kermit heads to the stage. Piggy sarcastically laughs to Lynda and walks away.

"The Whiffenpoof Song"

Kermit Okay, well, that last sketch must have pleased you poultry lovers. So, here's something for the sheep fanciers!
A flock of sheep sing "The Whiffenpoof Song" a capella, with a ram supplying bass. A literal wolf in sheep's clothing pops into frame and takes them down, one by one.
Song.whiffenpoof.jpg
The ram remains and when confronted by the wolf, he says in an authoritative voice...
Super Sheep This looks like a job for Super Sheep!
Supersheep.jpg
The ram spins around and transforms into his own superhero persona. He takes out a raygun and shoots down the wolf.
Dissolvatron gun.jpg
The other sheep regather and rejoice.

Backstage

Kermit notices Scooter looking up at a ladder that extends offscreen.
Scooter Okay, here we go!
Kermit Oh, they're still at it.
Scooter You superheroes ready up there?
Fozzie Yep, all set.
Gonzo You betcha.
Lew Ready to go, boy!
Link Stop pushing.
Scooter Okay. Chapter ten. How to Fly.
Kermit Eek, I can't watch this. (leaves)
Scooter Flying is a simple matter of belief. Anyone can fly as long as he believes that he can. Stand at the very top of a tall ladder...
419-17.jpg
Scooter ...and say to yourself, "I was born to fly."
Gonzo/Fozzie/Lew/Link I was born to fly.
Scooter "The air is my home."
Gonzo/Fozzie/Lew/Link The air is my home.
Scooter Now that you believe that, step off the ladder and float to the ceiling.
They all scream and come crashing down.
Scooter Fortunately, superheroes never feel pain.
They all rise from the floor and groan in pain. Link socks Scooter in the face.
Lew Oh, my achin' fish.
Link Oh, Mommy!

"Orange Colored Sky"

Kermit Okay, here once again is our special guest star who will be joined in song and silliness by our own super goofs. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lynda Carter, yay!
Lynda walks along a run-down city street and sings "Orange Colored Sky." As explosions and destruction follow her on cue, so do her fellow superheroes; as she is gradually joined by Scooter, Lew Zealand, Fozzie, Gonzo, Link Hogthrob and Super Rat.
Song.orangecolored.jpg
With one last huge explosion, Lynda says over applause...
Lynda That one almost got me!

Goodnights

Kermit Okay, well, we seem to have survived another one, largely due to our really terrific guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Lynda Carter, yay!
Lynda You know, I just want to thank you very much because this has definitely been one of the worst experiences I have...
Kermit, in horror, audibly whimpers.
Lynda No, I'm just kidding you. I have had a fabulous time! Great. As a matter of fact, I think that we came through this with flying colors, don't you?
Scooter Oh, more than that. We got through it with flying Muppets!
Everyone flies in on stage.
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Kermit Will you stop that dumb superhero business?!
Lynda You guys are all crazy!
Scooter Yeah, isn't it great?
Kermit Well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around Lynda as the credits roll. In the box, Waldorf notices Statler, now dressed in a flashy superhero outfit.
419-19.jpg
Waldorf Good grief! You've turned into...
Statler Money Man!
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